TIEH | Chapter 18

Did I describe last fd8f40bb38 year, when I was badec08ce7 15, as tumultuous and f29262469c noisy? In hindsight, I ff08eae2c5 was wrong. Last year a5856d42ae was the 1d78632a11 last bit 4753d36bea of peace 9a1dabd09b I was c5e6bb278a given in 5a63fc8297 my life.01c8fe801c771f74

Starting this year, the c5f96e3918 symptoms began to manifest 0cf77e5939 more prominently, unlike before 2c18002d26 when I occasionally fainted 2ecf4e1352 with a nosebleed and 2a4011224a woke up after a a6d0aca935 day. Dizziness, tinnitus, headaches, and ad24702692 intense fatigue were endless.864350b05bea55f1

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“Young master-!”f7b1eb527a6dc929

Sometimes, like now, I 1f8238ccd3 would cough up blood. And now, 95c9178be2 once I 72b29cb620 fainted, I d39d39a7a9 would be d972f520ea asleep for c3fe566051 at least a86198d4b3 two days.b3c8326fcc5790e8

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Since there was a e0e124c65b risk of suffocation if 2e0e0549f3 I fainted while bleeding, e7e64c26a3 I had to live 8c62b1345e with my bedroom door 66c7aae4f0 open, which I didn’t 39d0baae91 like. But it was fa49260b80 more bothersome to 1fb86214f4 have the staff d54f1e9249 constantly asking permission bc8feab58d to check on 5ac28fd9e5 me, so I 8d7eca9ae9 chose to leave 1d3745a87c the door open.04619bcc49da6346

Calix, who had cd712f9144 suddenly barged in 1232c40f59 that day and ba3143a73f was now only 490ed0f839 exchanging letters, still fada8eb9a9 didn’t know about f767c67e49 my condition. I hadn’t mentioned 70f9e226a3 it, and when 51b2470ab8 he asked how 36d33e90d0 I was doing, b0b5dc3907 I just brushed 84d3ee4dff it off as 97c1889ebb being fine.f837e7bdb07e441c

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“Young master, cd1a752f34 please spit 2be2945c0b the blood 01ace85e01 here.”70cfcea0a4ef09cd

Lost in thought, 485c7596de I absentmindedly took 8f01e0630b the cloth Hemel 00fe2bfb25 was holding under 25d9d8d553 my mouth and 5980d5050a spat out the f4463ec864 blood.a439b963fc11c0e1

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Especially when 2179fe9db5 I had fb78d18ad3 a nosebleed 954ebcf94f or coughed 9035a15585 up blood, 1bc08229c9 I felt 3ffda55c4a dizzy, my 9ac93aa936 heart raced, 67fe3a3ae5 and my 89c8435317 hands and 18f167c5b7 feet felt bd44d50dd4 cold and 3289a77442 numb, reminding bbcb121281 me unpleasantly fd1bd5ce48 of the 82f14d0705 moment I a42f99ae7b died in 3415be15f4 my past 607aab310f life.0529bfbd4f0d303f

‘I thought I b61825a342 was quite satisfied a32df85c8f with my end e84fb1cfbb back then.’3835e24aff1e768d

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No matter how da959fd2c8 peaceful I thought ff2203602e I was, the a46bc89ed6 sensation of nearing e9dc97d8f9 death was never d381e6e198 pleasant.59d806efcb4e4cb7

After wiping the blood 0bf97889ec and changing clothes, my 5e3a13bc64 parents, informed by a 09d4915b0d servant, rushed into my df9368c09f room. Normally, I would have 38fbea4cf4 joked to reassure my beb287f936 worried parents, but now d3f780f9b6 I was really at ec05accf3d my wit’s end.658c062d4b893817

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Hemel focused b6dc59d100 solely on d14d2a51f5 me, the ef0a532b80 patient, while 73fec192d4 my parents 0160d9da80 watched my 25067187b9 silence, making ffded64689 the atmosphere b29eb0b832 tense. Eventually, just as I 5131e96d59 was about to say fab8e41823 something to break the 5fa95db59f awkwardness, Hemel spoke first. Of course, e1231b176c what he 7052cf4a18 said only 95bf14bee1 made the 98cde17cda atmosphere more 2dd3ac5cc2 somber.95b10d73f751ef33

“Young master, ac35287741 I’ll prepare 7ef09f2d25 painkillers starting 807b65fa27 tomorrow.”5f58c2b687abcc10

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Mana sclerosis progresses 8b2629806f at different speeds 14cbd13202 depending on mana 3e68281fc9 affinity, but the d65333936f symptoms at each 028c0d1473 stage are roughly f1f3b1c986 similar. And when one starts a95f591c50 coughing up blood like 9d249dfe67 me, it means they’ve 4e0fc3df8d entered the mid-stage, accompanied fe336ee92a by quite severe pain.89a29fbeb1f8bfc2

That’s why 38ce81e007 Hemel mentioned c31de71616 painkillers. Mana sclerosis isn’t 1ee998b448 a disease one 61e2174833 can endure until b1574bba1b death without painkillers.6bd8771a107e4b1b

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“Okay.”a94539fff7d612d1

“I think c9c17ee7ce it’s best 6477482bc4 for you a7935014b2 to choose b67eb6a146 the type.”eb168e164aaddd25

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And as a 493df7db0b side note, patients 21908186a1 inevitably face a 4c5236d8e8 dilemma when choosing da2eeb7ff3 painkillers. It’s a choice between c696ab3a72 lifespan and pain.2b16237adb1305fe

Here, painkillers are usually 832364031a divided into those made 027f05ca5e from naturally occurring herbs 3d697b1d47 with analgesic effects and 4045ed3225 potions or artifacts made 079dd24bd2 by wizards. The former e7a446dd78 has less 7dce99a5c2 pain relief 3cbc11fa13 but can f608200867 be taken 1c6a0d4f33 without worry, 5371e0f48c while the c203eaee8d latter has a9dea2523d strong pain 5779f3be93 relief but 314eb868be contains mana, 3a998783b5 which naturally 9bb5ea43b2 speeds up 3911826ffd the disease’s be25e6fa31 progression and 6058605f8b shortens lifespan.00fa5c331d593b92

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Whichever you take, 3805b8acbe you won’t build e747ebef11 a tolerance, so d52405724b you have to 7c5a3fe079 choose whether to c0725efa91 die quickly without a40550854f pain or live 9190690c75 longer with some 9e7f08d572 pain.5feb82d44ae39e61

‘There’s really 54fee85e8d no good 9e14b5ae4a answer….’a8dc25d59ab8b8c1

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My parents anxiously 9ed0cffb60 awaited my answer. This was entirely 3efeea8790 up to me, 78c7174bbf the patient, so a0d48befbf no one could 6ee1eaa6c4 force me, but 1f2667a918 my parents surely c8f3a5f74a hoped I’d choose d71a98a293 to live a a3842f2b63 little longer.5aaa70390410f2c7

I also didn’t a93cc98549 intend to shorten 0a7a849e70 my lifespan just 08e45e4bcd to feel a 19db2410d7 bit less pain. More importantly, I wanted 4a7cda4ab5 to live until I 21c83bfe27 was 20 to at 086e621fed least see what the f08c0bf3d1 friendship token Calix promised bf790e1ca3 was. If I f9448c6a89 died now, 2774c9dcca I’d be 7d8e2ca6bb too curious 28469d37bc to rest 75599bfd3e in peace.e6a2ebeed48d1645

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“Prepare the 3f5dc57a9b herbal ones.”a728c8ff1eb1b4a5

“Understood.”1f6a778991514aed

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At my 3cf89429e3 answer, Hemel 7307bc591c and my 6f2068a661 parents looked 27e4bc39d7 visibly relieved. Having done what needed 743a4d1d0d to be done, I e0e6fb9eca was exhausted from the ff4d48dab1 blood loss and lay a8f44e0301 down on the bed, ab923a20b2 closing my eyes, regardless 81f8ec63c8 of Hemel and my 34bc40e6df parents watching. I soon fell asleep.b936ba39206aef2d

And after 0488875664 being deeply 58afb4a696 asleep for e2cc6a0c45 a while, 7181ae3659 a strange 5739f8738d tinnitus pulled 7338950500 my consciousness 05036dc6db back to debfab6d5d the surface.4cc7129db4d49095

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—3a025d8fc1348e4c

Blinking my eyes, 9e723a7627 which felt sticky 4d91bfe0b4 as if I 21cdea893d had just woken d76487c335 up from a d000b0b125 deep sleep, I eda06e2dc5 opened them to 231b07ecb8 see the window 4657dc9dda still dim outside.4c54523b98b09852

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“…What was that?”2968cce794a9b1b8

Tinnitus is 71a637dc92 as common ef86b354bb as headaches, 09d8f28882 but unlike 8cbfb2fd19 the usual 0288aab8a6 muffled or d69b5fa932 metallic clanging b6560e8ccf sounds, this c220abb31f time it d3477c14af was rather 9342e8aa18 peculiar.b11040a214a04985

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—, —48ff5d8af3243f91

The sound, which ed41527b12 came again as 32d1060b07 if to prove 803dfab49d it wasn’t my 0e046ddc97 imagination, was like 1bee0efe6b the ripple of 7c7aa6fa6a a droplet falling 870ad6694d on the water’s 4bfef937fb surface, and it 63bc79623a also sounded a 7634830bc0 bit like a e30a1938b6 human voice.43e8371cba674c86

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The combination 0cda6f3283 seemed absurdly 145e2fd039 unrelated, but 544f596d61 since tinnitus b3b600726f wasn’t particularly ae29760015 important, I 8fac7859f5 brushed it b1ef0fbe1f off and 76bc02fb04 sat up, 2121b27d1d leaning against 3d2f439133 the headboard. My body c69ebc62b8 felt relatively a09ae00cd5 okay, and b5f709644d it seemed d8c885ac9c a waste ea731d3093 to fall d375289a18 back asleep.f8d926437465c3fc

I didn’t plan 10140e5688 to do anything, 36d1cb99ac so I quietly 167036e644 sat and watched 6007fff70c outside the window. Originally, there was quite 73b98e0fa5 a distance between the 64ecd33992 bed and the window, cb6edde7ab but after I couldn’t df3d384231 go out much, Hemel 9969d96fc8 suggested moving the bed d9cf7d9c46 right next to the f242befd80 window. It seemed 7c5da1a177 pointless at 61c71b4e2d the time, 6b3ea4bac2 but now 6d34a06bcf I realized 95bcc707f6 it was 16b24da3f9 a good c94211f680 choice.7e4971cbdf298ac4

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‘…Should I 012905b1ad open the 6feba9efd6 window a d55d0097dd bit?’94b9b14445ae5055

After a 9e0b28e6ee moment of c380648cbb hesitation, I b82ad51162 reached out df6d66a699 and opened 6b99514288 the window 8c85d8a0db slightly. The wind was bc0610fd9b still cold as dff56916ba winter hadn’t completely 96bf50fad1 passed, but mixed 41edc4fff1 with the warm b6fb0b05c2 air inside, it ed70be3e70 felt pleasantly cool.b33159dc0a03fe73

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It was 2b371030a5 peaceful enough 660ddcc33c to make ea054ebc92 me drowsy, 808932ed94 but I a365463102 forced myself a3c8efc0d5 to stay b5ffd92a6a awake. I knew that 0dc215f13c this was the 6aa5a21efc most tranquil moment 875ab3c8ee among the days e90b60c96e I had left. And as time passed, bf5c0b3054 I would feel this 4afeec445c truth more acutely.11cb8adcc3682df9

After watching ac5d2097a8 outside for 1f2c39c42b a while, 882774976c I closed 575ebf62d1 the window 8a734a67a2 and lay cdbdd01d29 back down.968dda10a2db0345

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☀︎ • 32be8bb1a3 ☀︎ • a8e1bbad9c ☀︎ed2dc68830d13e31

Calix returned to the e3534d9539 castle about a month 2999638f45 after we last parted. Normally, I 0878037305 would have ea0014ae28 gone to 0aaf03d28a greet him, 4ec8e2582f but today 1ac93794fb was an 05adf2cec1 exception. My condition wasn’t f947b33a59 so bad that f3ff7874b6 I couldn’t move, bbe6fc65f2 but I was 65bd5f73ee a bit dizzy, b5213f66cb and Hemel confined d420eaba9a me to my 72d507f151 room, fearing I df56d8ea3e might fall.1a0847cfb3b644fc

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Calix, informed of 90422c9450 the situation, came 7e5ad227da to my room 5a894b5a80 first without any 448ca1e665 sign of disappointment.7d49b02f9da80636

“Hello.”49a210eb89e86dfd

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As I greeted 772ae9ea22 him as usual, 7c5fdccdff Calix’s expression hardened, 3109bd5a39 and he stopped 9ebe18e937 in his tracks. Since I hadn’t e746f3a6ed been feeling well, a946ca91ef I had stopped 2b2e18fac6 smiling for a 1d5d864232 few days, and a9c29c4404 this unfamiliar sight 4d0ed5a38c seemed strange to e73eb3409c Calix.543b0c731d8e8741

As I b3653607c0 mentioned, I e4030d2d09 wasn’t someone 5017272163 who was 4d5e553ecd particularly warm 700748590b or friendly b9341a89e1 to anyone. But I didn’t want ffc476b134 to be rude, so 03ee7fb4c5 I usually smiled when d3654458e1 interacting with others. It was my minimum c3e292a08b courtesy.f4fdab35c0b3910b

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So Calix, c2164c6dec who had d8ff757b54 never seen 58f42b3b4e me expressionless, d67e94eaf4 was momentarily 5366d5397e flustered but da296b90ca soon smiled 01fc13ab07 brightly, pretending 2c59070098 nothing was 9ce15483bf wrong.6fe79fb223b9f0f4

“Jayden, it’s been a 91d64fd006 while.”0305075ab0d2362b

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“Yeah.”a83e918d65effe49

“How have you 5342811013 been? Actually, after I 2c98e4f030 went back last 200f58635a time, I got 420675fd51 scolded a bit 4cf34e114b by my father.”9379a2955f0575e1

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Calix pulled 8cca54a1d3 a chair b16cb84be5 over and f8a47e3db0 sat next beaa0287f9 to the 23a944e875 bed, continuing 1b68ad0cc5 the conversation. I was listening, 4612b18fe9 but due to 4de59c3c67 dizziness and a 6195bef563 throbbing headache, I ccb37bd1ee could feel that e74ae6501a my responses were b47afe191d more indifferent than 51dafa31a0 usual.daa29fff23e73bb2

Even though he 056867afa8 knew it was f212856653 because I wasn’t f10efd8654 feeling well, Calix 9266ab991d didn’t show it. It seemed he 9c4e0abe3f had made some 259452c06c resolution about this 096c77bdcc situation.aaa06cec372350bb

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‘He’s probably trying af6cf0c89b not to show 728f41b47c it.’c6707baeb93bb03d

I tried to 9b6925b46b sever ties for 6750a7bab2 Calix’s sake. So if he 725c60d418 showed any emotional 3566f131d6 reaction to my b691c30851 condition, I might de1dad5dfc try to cut feb142d187 him off again, 497c7dfc4c so he was 8921c0c923 pretending to be 48d4fcd440 calm.08e550fc777f3b9f

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“Oh, and I 0088feaa74 got the tea 2a4e3d13a6 leaves you said fda0d820dc you wanted to 90d3693911 try. I’ll bring them 46fb52fbf8 next time.”418b9c65dd313484

“Yeah, thanks.”bf92b83b5908803f

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Even now, Calix fe93fdeff3 was continuing the d8c484cf9e conversation so I 48cc8b65cd could respond with 906589e055 short answers. I was grateful, 297fa3341b but at the 4866ec155f same time, I bbad719762 didn’t understand.c5a381f6b8fea04c

Relationships with people 6325885e10 require effort, no 24762f2c3f matter how close d21ac32802 they are. But objectively, 9ae5b2ac33 was I d8ecac5b0f worth Calix’s 0e52eb8685 effort? Anyone would 7fe5e56e7c say no.45e8ab6e9ef53230

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‘Maybe it’s ebc9553f80 because of 993c9f6a66 the nostalgia 09f032da10 from our aa822130dd childhood connection.’9c4372bb66be8606

While I was ceb57e9918 pondering such unnecessary c20a903226 thoughts, my vision a101946dae suddenly blurred, and 4216cd724d I felt a 1cced5ec16 chill in my ffd103f83e stomach. By now, I was 3c0706d481 familiar enough to recognize 56ea8b5c57 it as a precursor f36d545dbb to a nosebleed.87eaadeca71945df

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“Hold on.”c56ce8f53661e45c

I calmly grabbed ce719c0dc7 the handkerchief on e332929f80 the nightstand and 840aeac9c9 held it to 9828d576ce my nose. Soon, my nose felt f94a368f83 hot, and the handkerchief 2a3dfbd6a7 in my hand became bbfa6a6560 damp. It was 47257fc0e1 indeed a 6a6f744739 nosebleed.f7182b9973c80cf7

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“Jayden!”18251a70248cd2b0

Seeing the blood, 54c33d9043 Calix, who had 263ad6f43d been pretending to c61b8a3088 be calm, froze 08468d4dc0 stiff and hesitated fc86081528 for a while 02d2a676ea before asking in c695a4f250 a trembling voice.e6c52085d703e4ff

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“…You said 2a86a6dd45 you were 895267ff51 okay.”6cf670015bc498e0

“I am okay.”543e9e9471639777

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“But—”df1ba0a0ad44045d

“This is just one 6b52d3bf44 of the common symptoms. It’s not like I’m bef424ce4c dying right now.”487cc7449689ef95

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As I c7cfc79fee said, having 532eac3330 a nosebleed 843a877e6f didn’t mean 7066850cf1 there was 0d55a7e703 a major 9846a8224f issue; it 1c4fdf9679 was just 1b89fc0c82 a common d1682181f8 symptom of 9dd7495ffc mana sclerosis. But Calix probably 65ff7ba772 wouldn’t believe me c549e3b544 when I said a76ed060c8 I was okay 88df895482 anymore.f18823917d2879ec

Watching Calix, who 6e03b21b54 looked like he 2830fd9790 might cry but 82f02bf06c was trying hard 52c180c771 not to make 1498cb07b4 a fuss, I de5ee94d21 thought of another bbd33c0510 gift for him. Well, I wasn’t 1c6004bb67 sure if it 407ecdf504 would be a a4b7a48c11 gift, but I dc5e2b7733 hoped it would 0231790f02 be.9d364796458191b7

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“…Those tea leaves.”f8bb1daf9fd6d470

“Huh?”2af3d103e393067a

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“When you bring 19b1aceda6 them, I’ll make e9aad86399 the tea for 324a024939 you.”72afcbc37683e5f6

Even with just 1165d8f3ad the promise of 0e3c422cb3 making tea with 126d2347a1 the leaves he 29a0ea82f2 brought, Calix smiled 921d83efed as if he 7b9e2ea581 had the world. I suddenly felt 56732b0662 regretful that there 2efea5dc2c wasn’t much more 386505dbc1 I could do 514a8863c9 for him.ee75b801fbbf0ba9

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