TGM | Chapter 1

To My Misreading877e13793d6d7037

Teacher, sometimes at dawn, I find myself vomiting dark things. I can’t quite remember when it started. Was it from birth, or after I met you? It’s all too blurry now.1751ef063bc3e257

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But the reason I picked up a pen to write this letter, even though I’m not good at it, is clear. I want to confess. Words I’ve swallowed for 10 years. ─ Though they might mean nothing to you, teacher. ─586f24b6de612c88

You asked me once, aad82d5e1c remember?cbe180050e5bd919

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Why don’t you draw me?96e4186994e1779d

You approached me, efb0cb4c43 holding a dry 7494719765 brush, and asked 631b2c57ba just once.8d8fb7f4ac072731

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I was 124c10a793 so flustered dacb9f9c72 that I 98aaa6bc1a couldn’t say 80a6d87e85 anything, just 48f34e5a3e opened and 2162342be6 closed my 5c78314827 lips like aab5a7ce41 a fool. It’s natural, really. Since I make a79486b5f4 a living drawing 93807d28da people, it must fe392e2328 have seemed strange 67dea89dc5 not to capture 8c48744e8a the person closest fcc979cf17 to me on ecd6fe69c8 canvas.658b634fd385c393

In the end, I dc5aca446c said nothing, and after 54e35d4bcd that day, you never d915c40ad4 asked again.e0d9de8baf5b3d4f

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What did you 250cd60363 think? You probably 1ae7159ce0 thought I eb1da53158 was pathetic afbc4ebbe8 for not c36723e626 answering such b88ad8388c a simple bfc5912457 question, but b8805119e0 embarrassingly, I 2f2e0226d6 hoped for b60b9fd38e something else.428f21348572b408

I wished you felt ea941dff3b a bit disappointed.9967144206ec45e6

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Maybe curious, 06b80ebe9f or intrigued. Those feelings that naturally 38bd049c0f arise when you’re interested d04a014556 in someone.65ccbeefb2e0b7c7

Of course, I dbfd1268f5 know that’s not 678cd7b2e0 possible. Not jumping to conclusions 0abeb07a1a is my only strength. You probably forgot you a87ec1ea1e even asked. It was years ago, bc8b3a86f5 so don’t worry about 8dc65efcfe it. It’s strange that 1bf1157d34 I’ve been dwelling f53a582ed3 on that memory, 294908aed6 that moment, all 5ca5492dfe this time.15ba85d0d323b7d2

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Honestly, even if you fa7e2ef37e asked again, I wouldn’t 19ca146921 have been able to e941ff86ac answer properly.4326d50c9464d56e

Right?b560e39f9abcf058

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How could cfb47a9090 I draw 149fe8e259 you? A painting 9b7e13686c is ultimately bc9073547c the perspective e90f68e72a of the 69f1fbf7a4 artist.52d2466670467b72

The face I f83dae11b1 see, your serene 159f9f1b05 gaze, the eyelids 2dd180c52a that close a 0b593f5feb beat slowly, the 6cf08ac061 light subtly hidden 2a14fec65d at the corners d9d1161283 of your eyes. If I poured all c1d56815ef the emotions I wanted 23261fb9a3 to worship, that sometimes f162c7e0b3 resembled admiration, onto the b6bc0b98f4 canvas and painted over ff4614e954 them…, your expression would c1ab96ce3e be so obvious.d314d83d9e3613a0

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That’s why I couldn’t 91d2fe66af pick up the brush.c22e12df344c1df0

Even though that’s all 7359bf50b3 I could do, I 61efb718e3 couldn’t.802c447aa437ee55

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That day, 7be42b5938 breathing more e8a89a265d quietly than a690666e4c you as 2a4a315b27 you turned b0e617b428 away, clutching dda5855bb9 the brush, 6f92947e58 I realized bbbebd6e12 I might 4e122af0e0 never be b0c2819496 able to fab74fa9dc draw you.57066d570b78c948

Now you know.123e43f6f695ebbb

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What I want b93f986bc8 to confess.6b2c447abdb9175a

Why I 8548024fde picked up fd1d907f6a the pen.b8396d31924e2f9f

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The fact that I dfb34ae4eb had to commit so 00fd8f1dd0 many sins over the 18485c37dd ten years by your fefeec63ef side. The things I swallowed 22cb29b610 back with my tongue, 4ca05807b5 fearing punishment if spoken. Those feelings that made bba3462366 me both miserable and 21b38722c3 radiant. So now, 07aaa2d541 confessing all 5046dc7f20 my flaws 4f54bffcb6 that ended 04cfd464ec up holding 50b6ad1878 onto your 41052bcd32 ankles, teacher.1d285b7e60cd6685

Me, like this.98f5125b6fc05e57

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Please pity me.389be8a63df56ee7

Look at me as if I’m pitiful, wretched, and lacking.ad535ee709dbf157

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Have some sympathy for the time I couldn’t help but love,929a3dca89217f8b

For all the things I couldn’t endure without falling in love.3268d268949bef20

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I’ve always been like this. Even after showing all my depths, I felt no shame. I begged for a lifetime, relying on your compassion, pretending not to know the things you missed because of it.5ce76f7bc1936073

That’s all I knew how to do. Ironically, I ended up resembling the person I least wanted to. I guess innate nature shows itself in moments like these. The things I marked in black, promising not to do, are coming back as punishment. It’s okay, though. They’re all things I chose.54877d13e11284dc

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But, teacher.4c2628dc3d06ba27

It’s strange.5986e89d2102365e

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I’m holding onto things beyond my means, maybe close to happiness. Why do I feel like I’m wandering my whole life?c38e28055bad4d87

Even though I’m by your side, I feel lost, always longing even when we’re together. I don’t know how to describe this feeling.bc973c890705beb8

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Some days, I wished a3952a0da8 you were as shabby 0bdce267ff as me, having nothing, 01d7f0b5b3 not being as splendid e6b67fa54d as others desire, so ea928ab88d only I could see 93c6275055 you.12696c1b463f5778

I thought it would fcf649bf24 be nice, but then 121d00035b some days, I cried 9e31e93bf1 and begged for it 4d3e81ce5b not to be so.ed202fb85d34bc01

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Hoping that the layers of misery, like old dust in every corner of my body, and the days I wished tomorrow wouldn’t come, wouldn’t become your reality.c5fddea73734837f

……999eadb1d5db886e

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I’m already writing my thirty-eighth letter. Muttering on paper like a sick person, under the pretext of wanting to vomit what I’ve swallowed. But I don’t think I’ll be able to deliver it this time either. Like the thirty-seven crumpled sheets, it’ll never reach you.314e1b882f9e8681

Because you are…….ee43a6e16738762f

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