TEITF Ch 1
by AmeliaGetting that terminal diagnosis didn’t make the sky fall, nor did it make tears stream down my face. The moment I walked out of the doctor’s office, reality somehow felt… thinner. Eunsong parked her car in the apartment lot and just sat there for ages. Nothing came to mind. Then, around 8:58 PM, she headed home.014ded2826b288f0
Even at twenty-nine today, Eunsong’s curfew was 9 PM. But she’d already told her mom she was going to the hospital for extra test results, so even though she was late, there was no nagging. Not that they asked about the test results or if she’d eaten dinner anyway. Eunsong quietly went to her room and just sat there again, still. Before midnight, she showered and went to bed. So, yeah, it was pretty much exactly like any other day.85dc9de167402db4
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When she woke up early and sat at the dining table, she almost wondered if that terminal diagnosis from last night had been a dream. Eunsong spooned some rice into her mouth and subtly glanced at her mom. Her mom, with her slender frame and rigid expression, twitched her eyebrows ever so slightly when her eyes met her daughter’s, who’d paused while eating.a8e6bd2f532e18a9
“Got something to say?”787d3de1b0431d34
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“…Nah, it’s nothing.”6e2c59c6d4467fdc
“Just say it if you have something to say. Don’t go trying to read people. You make it seem like I’m tormenting you.”b2d70295b30b2268
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Eunsong dropped her gaze, 816cc60027 unable to meet the cec81cb175 eyes that clearly showed ab31f3c4e2 disapproval. Her mom, who seemed to 99ded655dd be scrutinizing Eunsong for flaws, 383ab96568 then spoke.956374ba7051d840
“You really gonna go to work dressed like that?”0fa4d43e3db11fb5
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Eunsong put down her spoon and checked her outfit: a light blue blouse, a knit top, and wide-legged cotton pants. It was a neat and plain outfit, nothing particularly off about it. Eunsong looked at her mom quizzically, unable to find an issue, and her mom tapped her neck with her fingertip. The problem was that she hadn’t buttoned it all the way up.e19dbe25366376e2
“I’ll button it before I leave.”4a71bfb5d4ec6aaa
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“Good, do that. Always be tidy.”42a29fd22ace6d60
Her mom’s voice, which Eunsong had heard for twenty-nine years, felt especially stifling. It wasn’t like her mom caring too much about what people thought was anything new.992091983078a250
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Eunsong’s mom was known in the neighborhood as a devout Christian. She went to church every day and enthusiastically participated in events. Going anywhere other than church on Sunday was something she couldn’t even imagine in her entire life. To Eunsong, her mom was more of a “Deaconess Yang” than “Mom.” Everyone called her mom “Deaconess Yang,” and each time, her mom would be incredibly happy and pleased.ae85f6a90786acb1
Her faith was practically 7107ff03dc her life. As a deaconess 143f06d713 at the biggest b2f8191ad7 church in the 4983aa296e neighborhood, she knew 8ce390227f a lot of b70e231ff0 people and was 7028d0d40b obsessed with not e343d0cd81 only herself but d1c06acfc0 also her children 6836831b16 always being perfect. They had to be c476e35f47 presentable to others, not 521ecf91a2 embarrassing, always proper and 3b82d77f8c tidy wherever they were, cb79b4f510 and always careful not 36d06e1d3f to bring shame to 304d866991 her dad, who was 42d0800abc a teacher.949ee314ef8da39a
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Eunsong was an obedient kid. She was always a model student at school and had never even rebelled a little. Yet, she’d never received a single compliment from her parents. To them, Eunsong was always slow and lacking. No matter how hard she tried, she could never be the child that would please them.7d39630a76925709
“Didn’t you say you went to the hospital yesterday?”2bfa358c6fa579b1
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“…Uh, yeah…”f6739ef1a04ece9b
“And you were that late just to hear test results?”7b190686b3fce600
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The intention behind the probing question was obvious: was she seeing a guy? The suspicion in her mom’s eyes was almost like cold contempt. It was clear she was ready to unleash a merciless torrent of criticism if Eunsong had been “messing around.” Her mom was always wary that Eunsong might embarrass her.4f4b25b0222bac22
It didn’t matter that Eunsong had never rebelled. Her mom firmly believed that her daughter couldn’t be an exception to all the “shameful” stories she heard through church members.8b35a2ec42255aea
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Eunsong feared quiet contempt more than sharp scolding. She was scared of parents who were always ready to criticize. Rather than defying her parents, it was better not to date at all. Besides, with them monitoring her every move, how could she even meet anyone? You’d at least have to make eye contact to exchange even a slight interest. Because of that, people around Eunsong thought she was afraid of guys.60503ff1817be132
She couldn’t eat with those suspicious eyes on her. In the end, Eunsong couldn’t finish her bowl of rice and got up. Her mom’s displeased gaze followed her, but Eunsong mumbled, “Sorry,” and grabbed her coat, practically running out.2f72b941fcbf006e
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“Jang Eunsong!” She heard her mom’s voice behind her but pretended not to and didn’t stop. It was the closest thing to rebellion she’d ever done.99501ceaba8044fb
Only after rushing out of the house did she realize how suffocated she’d been all this time. The moment she got into the elevator, Eunsong buried her face in her hands. She still didn’t quite grasp the reality of her sick body, but the doctor’s sympathy when he gave her the terminal diagnosis felt incredibly vivid. The pronouncement that she didn’t have much time left made everything she’d taken for granted unbearable.16c119383aa52309
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Only half a year left, and she didn’t know when she’d die. Should she spend her remaining time on just that? Waking up at the same time every day, going to work, working without a word, coming home, and going to sleep without anything interesting happening? Spending her days like a hamster on a wheel, always tense and self-conscious of what people thought, just to be a daughter her parents wouldn’t be ashamed of… like yesterday, like today.4e7ab427361331bd
She lifted her face from her hands. The woman reflected in the elevator mirror had a stifled look. Like her mom, she had a slender face, a long neck, black hair that had never been dyed, and a gloomy, sunken gaze. Even someone meeting her for the first time would know Eunsong was obedient and couldn’t say no. That she was timid, boring, and shy.e9f1f461276768e4
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Eunsong opened her phone and checked her banking app. Unlike her regular savings, she checked the amount in her deposit account, which she’d saved because she had nowhere to spend it. It was enough money to live for at least half a year without returning home. Looking at the amount on the app, the woman’s face in the elevator mirror, and the unbuttoned collar, the end that hadn’t felt real all night finally seemed to be within reach.3be1ca7ba873c597
But she still went to work. Eunsong was a little sick of herself for not being able to just skip work, even after getting a terminal diagnosis. If she had the resolve to act on her decisions right away, Eunsong wouldn’t have thought of herself as pathetic and stifled. Her parents suffocated her, but she wasn’t so different.1f00999f2ab264b0
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Eunsong worked as 8af845abbe a librarian at 036c4cd5b1 the municipal library. As soon as she got 242f738919 to work and took off 9ea1159fcf her coat, she tidied up c7cb93eaf0 her desk area. As she cleaned her desk 350c693f5a humidifier and filled it with f5aba28b3d water, colleagues started arriving one bc706fade2 by one.c607ef51f6998031
“Hey, you’re early.”0f72f35dd3687c46
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“Yeah, just kinda happened.”dd7e9fa131a3af99
“It’s so cold! Ugh, why is it so cold today? When’s it gonna warm up?!”49f68d40b3612982
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Mijoo, her colleague sitting 80f6b73811 next to her, plopped dc45a1dc0e down in her chair 54106f606a and grumbled. A chilly winter 6925f1fd32 wind blew sharply dbf7046bf6 against her nose. Mijoo was especially sensitive to 4caba88d31 the cold and hated winter. Eunsong picked up a 883d4485d0 mug and asked if 44f189f093 she wanted some warm b6b9cf5218 coffee, but Mijoo smiled 0c0a2cbf87 sweetly and showed her db5b92639d the tumbler in her 658b6a0bc5 hand.bece793d7b80e690
Mijoo, who loved coffee so much she was practically addicted, had quit it cold turkey a month ago because she was trying to get pregnant. But she seemed tempted by the fragrant smell, looking longingly at Eunsong’s mug.8c858e342a8b7b03
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“Just one sip?”e8f24794cefe65e5
“No way. You’ve been doing so well keeping off it.”28ad4eee7b71eb64
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“Yeah, true, it’s a shame…”831cbe5d16f56a19
Mijoo groaned.9b90d452ad809373
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“Did you go to the hospital okay yesterday? You said you were going for additional test results.”8ffdd61bd711f3c6
“Oh, yeah. I went.”aa99607a58f82cbf
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“Nothing else?”66f6b6ed5ff7df91
Eunsong just smiled faintly instead of answering. She didn’t feel like lying, but it also didn’t feel right to tell a coworker something she hadn’t even told her parents yet. It also felt like something bad would happen if she said it out loud herself. Mijoo stared at Eunsong’s smiling face for a moment, then shrugged, looking unimpressed, and said,9bdfa26e61cd7452
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“Take it easy today. You work too hard. Look at your complexion.”3d89bd2df1174109
“Okay, thanks.”8f1ee44a66204eda
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“No prob.”ec74ab5d8aea869d
It sounded like she was offering to help, but Mijoo wouldn’t help Eunsong. As always, Mijoo would clearly dump her share of the work on Eunsong. “Sorry, Eunsong-ssi. I have an unavoidable situation. You’ll help, right? Thanks a bunch.” With a cup of coffee and a few words, Mijoo easily used Eunsong.5b319454f2e55105
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Of course, it wasn’t just Mijoo. Eunsong didn’t really mind doing other people’s work. She often had to work on holidays, but for Eunsong, who hated going to church, it was actually a welcome thing.6b1fbdb5bcab55de
Eunsong offered Mijoo an awkward smile and turned her attention to the computer screen. She’d already finished organizing the new book list and had more or less wrapped up event preparations. She rested her hands on the keyboard and stared blankly at the screen, muttering to herself,9fe4e27937a1d1be
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‘Things to do before I die. Before I die…’40f3edb1ca129bc0