SSEI | Chapter 3.11

“If you’re really upset, why don’t you try something? Maybe your skill could affect me too.”

He hoped it wouldn’t affect him. Then he might die cleanly without arousing suspicion from that man! Yuan glared at the man, overwhelmed with sorrow.

Maybe he was wrong to think this way. He didn’t trust that person just because he helped him regain some memories. He’s a really nasty guy. Why did he even try to trust someone who pointed a blade at his head three times? Maybe the Blue Dot was deceived in a similar way?

Yuan felt his brain melting from the excitement and anger boiling inside his head. The heat burning outside was too intense, but more than that, it felt like an abnormal amount of emotion was bubbling like lava inside his skull.

Even amidst all this, his chest and insides felt strangely cold. It was as if all the heat from outside had been taken away.

‘I decided to side with you, but you won’t side with me? How could you do that?’

Even though he knew he shouldn’t have expected anything from the start, he felt disappointed and sullen. An extreme emptiness filled his chest, as if he was all alone. It was so cold and empty inside that he needed warmth, but his brain, already hot enough to burn, was taking all the heat away. This bizarre contradiction was completely wrecking his consciousness.

‘I’m lonely.’

Emotions that completely contradicted reason were eating away at Yuan’s insides. He was so tormented by loneliness that he had no reason to feel right now, it was bone-chilling. He wanted to just sit down and cry, or maybe cling and beg not to be like this.

‘Why am I like this?’

This isn’t a normal emotion. Even if he was betrayed (?), a person’s emotions shouldn’t swing to such extremes, a small piece of surviving reason whispered to Yuan amidst the chaos of his emotions.

At that moment, a faint realisation hit him. Could this be, is this your aftereffect?

“What is it? Why are you looking at me like that… Wait, you.”

The other person seemed to realize something was off too. The man who had put Yuan down on the ground hesitated and touched his cheek. The heat from the surroundings was so intense that he couldn’t feel the warmth of his cheek, but the scar on Yuan’s cheek was burning hot enough to sting.

Even though he realized that this emotion was the result of absorbing the other’s aftereffects, his heart showed no sign of calming down. No, it was rather stirring more violently, triggering impulses deep in his stomach.

So it’s all your fault. It’s because of you that I feel so lonely. It was a correct statement, but there was something irrational about the conclusion that forcibly inflated and spread Yuan’s emotions.

Maybe that’s why Yuan found the man’s hand touching his cheek unbearably annoying.

“You… Your aftereffect, it’s really funny.”

Yuan grabbed that hand with all his strength. He felt an overwhelming resentment towards the man, yet the lukewarm warmth he felt from his fingertips stirred his heart. It felt more persistent and stimulating than the heat surrounding him.

“What?”

“It’s an aftereffect that makes you feel extremely lonely and sad. I thought it would be something like paralysis or a painful and agonizing poison like the Blue Dot. But it’s just making me want to whine to the person in front of me. It’s all your fault, what I’m feeling right now.”

“How is it my fault that you want to whine by yourself? In the first place, my aftereffect isn’t that kind of…”

“Don’t try to fool me, you liar! Now I know why you try to live alone without a partner. Every time you use the disaster, you cry and whine about being sad, so everyone gets fed up and runs away, right? So at some point, you got embarrassed and started killing from the beginning, didn’t you?”

“That’s never happened… No, before that. Could it be your skill is…”

Oops, Yuan realized what he had said only after the fact. If he had kept his mouth shut, it wouldn’t have been discovered. A voice in a corner of his consciousness was reflecting on his mistake, but his heart, already dominated by overflowing emotions, couldn’t care about such trivial things.

‘So, now that you’ve figured out what my skill is, are you going to abandon me? Is all that’s left for me to burn to death?’

His brain, completely lost to the aftereffects, was still throwing a nonsensical tantrum. Just like with Lork, you’re going to burn me to death. You’re going to sweep through my mind so I can’t remember anything and then leave me without a care. Only that fear filled his heart, preventing him from thinking straight.

How could you just abandon someone like that? You might see me as just another wanderer among many, but from my perspective, you’re the person I’ve had the deepest connection with since I lost my memory and fell into this world. Even if I was killed by you every time.

I really hate someone like you. But don’t leave me alone. I’m scared of you chasing me, but I’m even more scared if you’re not there. Even while struggling with the contradictory emotions brought by the aftereffects, Yuan curled up in fear of the pain of burning to death. And the emptiness of the ashes that would be left behind.

But that childish imagination was quickly extinguished like cold water being poured over it. Something happened that was beyond the realm of what he could have imagined, something he couldn’t have dealt with even if he had held onto his reason properly.

“…You.”

No fierce flames or the Red Blade slicing through his neck came at him. Instead, the man’s two hands firmly grabbed Yuan’s head and pulled him close to his face.

Their noses were almost touching. Their faces didn’t fully meet, but the faint breath of the other tickled Yuan’s skin. Yet, to Yuan, that breath felt hotter and more suffocating than the flames surrounding them.

“Huh, huh?”

“I finally found you. That’s why I was drawn to you. How long have I been searching for this…!”

Yuan met the man’s eyes directly. In his expression, in those eyes, there was a longing and excitement he had never seen before. It was the first time a turbulent emotion appeared on a face that was always calm and indifferent like a lakeside.

“No doubt about it. It’s you, right? Yeah, it must be. I finally found you.”

“What, what are you going to do now that you’ve found me? Are you going to use me like some kind of totem to absorb your aftereffects again?”

“So you were absorbing my aftereffects, huh? The form might be a bit different, but the way of interpreting aftereffects varies from person to person anyway!”

The voice was so filled with emotion that it was hard to tell who was crazy from the aftereffects and who was sane. It sounded more like a beast’s howl than a human voice. Yuan felt a chill down his spine. Maybe it was an unfounded fear that he might be devoured by this man at any moment…

At the same time, the realization that this man needed him hit him. The little reason he had left was shouting fear, while the still rampant aftereffects were screaming relief and excitement.

“Y-yeah, this is all because of you. It’s because of you that I ended up like this. And don’t make lame excuses. You’re just trying to escape with talk of interpretation or whatever!”

Different ways of interpreting, huh? Is he saying he criticizes with sophisticated vocabulary instead of whining? Yuan, feeling indignant, raised his hands to mimic the man and grabbed his face.

He wanted to shut that annoying mouth, to stop the nonsense and the tickling warmth of his breath. No, he was actually confused if he really wanted to shut his mouth. He just wanted to touch the other person.

Yes, Yuan actually wanted to touch the man. The baseless loneliness and sorrow, the desire to shut his mouth, might fundamentally have been just an excuse to touch him.

He didn’t know where he wanted to touch or what exactly he wanted to do. He just thought that if he touched the other person, he could somehow fill the empty feeling inside. Compared to the surrounding heat, it was lukewarm at best, but he needed that ambiguous yet intense warmth that only a living person could give.

“I don’t know. I-I don’t know anything. Anyway, this is all your fault. You have to take responsibility. Don’t kill me again, don’t leave me alone…”

The scar on his cheek burned hotter and hotter, as if his brain was melting. His brain, unable to form proper language, could only spit out a string of words that barely qualified as sentences.

He grabbed the man’s collar and struggled to press their skin together. He knew, unconsciously, that it was an act of taking something from the other, an act that might be harmless to him but extremely dangerous to the other.

“Fine, you can say it’s all my fault. If you really have what I want, then it’s okay to say it’s all my fault…!”

“Shut up. It’s not just saying it’s your fault, it really is all your fault. Don’t pretend to be generous. Shut your mouth. I hate this mouth. Nasty mouth. Nasty human.”

Surely, in terms of strength alone, Yuan couldn’t possibly overpower the man, but the man seemed to be losing strength, staggering and then collapsing. Yuan instinctively knew he was absorbing something from the man. Something that temporarily filled his cold, empty inside, the fuel needed to emit a light that could burn anything.

‘More, just a little more.’

Yuan pinned the man down and climbed on top of him. Thinking he could absorb more fuel by touching skin, he tried to take off the man’s clothes, but the structure of these clothes was so complicated that they wouldn’t come off easily.

At this point, it wasn’t just about taking off clothes; it was more like pressing hands firmly against the chest. The fact that his chest muscles were quite thick and unnecessarily pleasant to the touch only added to the annoyance.

“Your actions are quite clumsy. I thought you’d know the basics since you said you had a lover.”

This guy, despite being unable to use his strength and lying down, was mocking Yuan. Feeling bad about it, Yuan struggled with the clothes, and the man, using his last bit of strength, reached out and pulled Yuan’s face closer.

“Learn the method. I’ll teach you.”

“…!”

“I feel sorry for the one you call your lover, but if that’s really your specialty… you’ll be doing it often from now on.”

As soon as he finished speaking, the man lifted his head and kissed Yuan. At that moment, Yuan felt an intense heat flowing down his throat.