SSEI | Chapter 3.11

“If you’re really upset, why don’t you try something? Maybe your skill could affect me too.”cf12dc3278b13a42

He hoped it wouldn’t affect him. Then he might die cleanly without arousing suspicion from that man! Yuan glared at the man, overwhelmed with sorrow.4f780e12348196e4

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Maybe he was wrong to think this way. He didn’t trust that person just because he helped him regain some memories. He’s a really nasty guy. Why did he even try to trust someone who pointed a blade at his head three times? Maybe the Blue Dot was deceived in a similar way?6b2b050c2e5ba374

Yuan felt his brain 7470a3a722 melting from the excitement 5a92bdab0c and anger boiling inside 0275ac642a his head. The heat burning outside 3ac0261ec4 was too intense, but f6c3d6e58d more than that, it ef4f446afa felt like an abnormal 52ab4b5c81 amount of emotion was 4277f7233e bubbling like lava inside 33951eb469 his skull.ede8794b6115f954

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Even amidst 8e57c20d0d all this, fb8d8cdf3f his chest 0f210eb160 and insides 32ff0abb78 felt strangely e0206fda5f cold. It was as 5651f5b940 if all the 2674940d12 heat from outside 063b6af9f7 had been taken 3506942a25 away.45fced22d09acf6a

‘I decided to side with you, but you won’t side with me? How could you do that?’7d0302a842b90542

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Even though he knew he shouldn’t have expected anything from the start, he felt disappointed and sullen. An extreme emptiness filled his chest, as if he was all alone. It was so cold and empty inside that he needed warmth, but his brain, already hot enough to burn, was taking all the heat away. This bizarre contradiction was completely wrecking his consciousness.7b1a34e48b8997f6

‘I’m lonely.’aee9371dd10c613a

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Emotions that completely contradicted reason were eating away at Yuan’s insides. He was so tormented by loneliness that he had no reason to feel right now, it was bone-chilling. He wanted to just sit down and cry, or maybe cling and beg not to be like this.aca925a08c16a885

‘Why am I like this?’4ccd8f51cdc35fb2

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This isn’t a normal emotion. Even if he was betrayed (?), a person’s emotions shouldn’t swing to such extremes, a small piece of surviving reason whispered to Yuan amidst the chaos of his emotions.74e4391e5e41fa85

At that moment, e950cdbcb5 a faint realisation 9c6ba1af91 hit him. Could this be, is 4832ebfa07 this your aftereffect?38f9c350fe14a730

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“What is it? Why are you looking at me like that… Wait, you.”801c32c958cd8f91

The other person seemed to realize something was off too. The man who had put Yuan down on the ground hesitated and touched his cheek. The heat from the surroundings was so intense that he couldn’t feel the warmth of his cheek, but the scar on Yuan’s cheek was burning hot enough to sting.c8f74411883c48bc

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Even though he realized that this emotion was the result of absorbing the other’s aftereffects, his heart showed no sign of calming down. No, it was rather stirring more violently, triggering impulses deep in his stomach.79ac283f293606f6

So it’s all your fault. It’s because of you that I feel so lonely. It was a correct statement, but there was something irrational about the conclusion that forcibly inflated and spread Yuan’s emotions.82b9e3925386b009

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Maybe that’s why Yuan found the man’s hand touching his cheek unbearably annoying.fd5facf6f60ace46

“You… Your aftereffect, it’s really funny.”021f6cc8f707df28

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Yuan grabbed that ddec8a768c hand with all 9336e25b15 his strength. He felt an overwhelming a0c4532ff2 resentment towards the man, 2ec671f267 yet the lukewarm warmth ad34275cb3 he felt from his 723098e28d fingertips stirred his heart. It felt more dcee3051de persistent and stimulating 4ab7a20cf2 than the heat 0b7d5adfe7 surrounding him.f18b066a1b380aa9

“What?”346990d68db3d9a0

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“It’s an aftereffect that makes you feel extremely lonely and sad. I thought it would be something like paralysis or a painful and agonizing poison like the Blue Dot. But it’s just making me want to whine to the person in front of me. It’s all your fault, what I’m feeling right now.”740aa19e50c128bc

“How is it my fault that you want to whine by yourself? In the first place, my aftereffect isn’t that kind of…”29387b5ba819fdc5

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“Don’t try to fool me, you liar! Now I know why you try to live alone without a partner. Every time you use the disaster, you cry and whine about being sad, so everyone gets fed up and runs away, right? So at some point, you got embarrassed and started killing from the beginning, didn’t you?”595fd74251db18d2

“That’s never happened… No, before that. Could it be your skill is…”9311e8825e0d8ad9

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Oops, Yuan realized what he had said only after the fact. If he had kept his mouth shut, it wouldn’t have been discovered. A voice in a corner of his consciousness was reflecting on his mistake, but his heart, already dominated by overflowing emotions, couldn’t care about such trivial things.75534b6c0f503340

‘So, now that you’ve figured out what my skill is, are you going to abandon me? Is all that’s left for me to burn to death?’6bbb93f69ff514fa

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His brain, completely lost to the aftereffects, was still throwing a nonsensical tantrum. Just like with Lork, you’re going to burn me to death. You’re going to sweep through my mind so I can’t remember anything and then leave me without a care. Only that fear filled his heart, preventing him from thinking straight.3b213c95a7fc147a

How could you just abandon someone like that? You might see me as just another wanderer among many, but from my perspective, you’re the person I’ve had the deepest connection with since I lost my memory and fell into this world. Even if I was killed by you every time.1c6e603fba4fe1a8

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I really hate someone like you. But don’t leave me alone. I’m scared of you chasing me, but I’m even more scared if you’re not there. Even while struggling with the contradictory emotions brought by the aftereffects, Yuan curled up in fear of the pain of burning to death. And the emptiness of the ashes that would be left behind.7024f88c9af0b3ce

But that childish imagination was quickly extinguished like cold water being poured over it. Something happened that was beyond the realm of what he could have imagined, something he couldn’t have dealt with even if he had held onto his reason properly.ea9d1eaf765afe6a

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“…You.”d33984b2f6a93cef

No fierce flames or the Red Blade slicing through his neck came at him. Instead, the man’s two hands firmly grabbed Yuan’s head and pulled him close to his face.5710d765b6d0d6e0

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Their noses were almost touching. Their faces didn’t fully meet, but the faint breath of the other tickled Yuan’s skin. Yet, to Yuan, that breath felt hotter and more suffocating than the flames surrounding them.0396ebae0507d4ca

“Huh, huh?”2a3a83025b2b2bd9

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“I finally found you. That’s why I was drawn to you. How long have I been searching for this…!”3bd8ea66d41d3d5e

Yuan met the man’s eyes directly. In his expression, in those eyes, there was a longing and excitement he had never seen before. It was the first time a turbulent emotion appeared on a face that was always calm and indifferent like a lakeside.3569ac0428e8e164

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“No doubt about it. It’s you, right? Yeah, it must be. I finally found you.”9e0b14b45c956f69

“What, what are you going to do now that you’ve found me? Are you going to use me like some kind of totem to absorb your aftereffects again?”6bfeb025f1c57305

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“So you were absorbing my aftereffects, huh? The form might be a bit different, but the way of interpreting aftereffects varies from person to person anyway!”59cfa1a8eb084a60

The voice was so filled with emotion that it was hard to tell who was crazy from the aftereffects and who was sane. It sounded more like a beast’s howl than a human voice. Yuan felt a chill down his spine. Maybe it was an unfounded fear that he might be devoured by this man at any moment…2b955bcc7941da64

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At the same time, 16b5955fda the realization that this 879c108542 man needed him hit c0dde1977a him. The little reason 0b5088efc3 he had left df9784010c was shouting fear, d62fb073d0 while the still f8ffa138b5 rampant aftereffects were 6b1a045fbd screaming relief and 157a98e31c excitement.a905af8fb32739d2

“Y-yeah, this is all because of you. It’s because of you that I ended up like this. And don’t make lame excuses. You’re just trying to escape with talk of interpretation or whatever!”5ed6cd2b0a77dc0d

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Different ways of interpreting, a6d922af47 huh? Is he saying he bda1790c1c criticizes with sophisticated vocabulary bf6d757cc5 instead of whining? Yuan, feeling indignant, raised 705f6d6749 his hands to mimic 16ae682cac the man and grabbed 9c0632b6aa his face.36b60f8933c911dc

He wanted to shut 16cbb79c56 that annoying mouth, to 43a8f4103b stop the nonsense and 9a40fa06be the tickling warmth of 3066ae43d5 his breath. No, he a276b6e134 was actually 8322d872e0 confused if 72b2b6fa86 he really f1474feef0 wanted to 3c53ba10bf shut his a199627406 mouth. He just 56a6581502 wanted to 4351df6c54 touch the 7d93de8d3c other person.10c48ddfe9ff8389

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Yes, Yuan 2be1988dba actually wanted 8a5769a108 to touch c71d0088e1 the man. The baseless loneliness and 7e3e23bdc7 sorrow, the desire to 5187d8c9ff shut his mouth, might c55237ddd0 fundamentally have been just 0647dfb265 an excuse to touch 61e04428d0 him.db079c67a77e49db

He didn’t know where he wanted to touch or what exactly he wanted to do. He just thought that if he touched the other person, he could somehow fill the empty feeling inside. Compared to the surrounding heat, it was lukewarm at best, but he needed that ambiguous yet intense warmth that only a living person could give.bcf8305c5f30efd9

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“I don’t know. I-I don’t know anything. Anyway, this is all your fault. You have to take responsibility. Don’t kill me again, don’t leave me alone…”881fea5ed9073eb0

The scar on 786cb1a548 his cheek burned 44bb768247 hotter and hotter, da75a65498 as if his 0257067e57 brain was melting. His brain, ec4762e84d unable to e9c59d3503 form proper 34a0187e9c language, could f8e847fda5 only spit 513ff31ed5 out a 081f48128d string of eab8f9c566 words that d951d419b8 barely qualified 0a67003743 as sentences.83473030803a0e6c

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He grabbed the man’s collar and struggled to press their skin together. He knew, unconsciously, that it was an act of taking something from the other, an act that might be harmless to him but extremely dangerous to the other.e1a178cc08985562

“Fine, you can say it’s all my fault. If you really have what I want, then it’s okay to say it’s all my fault…!”1ca631abdf40fe7b

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“Shut up. It’s not just saying it’s your fault, it really is all your fault. Don’t pretend to be generous. Shut your mouth. I hate this mouth. Nasty mouth. Nasty human.”7346a91e9840843d

Surely, in terms of strength alone, Yuan couldn’t possibly overpower the man, but the man seemed to be losing strength, staggering and then collapsing. Yuan instinctively knew he was absorbing something from the man. Something that temporarily filled his cold, empty inside, the fuel needed to emit a light that could burn anything.b61a2bf7d6d4878f

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‘More, just a little more.’cd290a90d5d25489

Yuan pinned the man down and climbed on top of him. Thinking he could absorb more fuel by touching skin, he tried to take off the man’s clothes, but the structure of these clothes was so complicated that they wouldn’t come off easily.b2b464dc3140e55d

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At this point, it wasn’t just about taking off clothes; it was more like pressing hands firmly against the chest. The fact that his chest muscles were quite thick and unnecessarily pleasant to the touch only added to the annoyance.cf62e8200128515d

“Your actions are quite clumsy. I thought you’d know the basics since you said you had a lover.”44c3364c88eac037

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This guy, despite being unable to use his strength and lying down, was mocking Yuan. Feeling bad about it, Yuan struggled with the clothes, and the man, using his last bit of strength, reached out and pulled Yuan’s face closer.fb36d1c0bc306bee

“Learn the method. I’ll teach you.”21d1451debcc9e80

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“…!”f8fa317e15bbb4a5

“I feel sorry for the one you call your lover, but if that’s really your specialty… you’ll be doing it often from now on.”dde63c125c0580ef

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As soon as he e615f8759f finished speaking, the man f86379db25 lifted his head and 19d848b87c kissed Yuan. At that moment, de1efdc7be Yuan felt an 19039c54f3 intense heat flowing 3c0efa35eb down his throat.d68dc91f95b0fac7