PEN Vol 5 Ch. 8

Forgive 1

During the few days Cheon Sejoo stayed home, Sejin took care of the postponed tasks with him. They filed the death certificate, contacted the insurance company to claim the life insurance, and laid Kim Hyunkyung’s remains on a sunny hillside. Sejin chose a tree burial.6b0fab5ba335b126

Even though it e847baf498 was January, the 72b55bd854 weather wasn’t too fea9111327 cold. On a f9bcd49881 day when 3ef8800649 the cold 19eb20c6b6 snap had 45d76916bf ended and 1580e097e9 the temperature 4e66d7a20d rose above b2a1fd2917 10 degrees d73508ca4c Celsius, they 8d5c2152a8 stood on 0a3bfae155 the sunlit 865189fc61 hillside.f267e88022331d3a

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The coat over 4dd6ca6169 his black suit d490e23919 felt heavy. Sejin, his 47e3007e31 cheeks slightly 6339bc9284 flushed, stared 3e75ccf461 at the d8811dc9f4 small tree b4e0a3faa5 before him.9d5ade227bcff5c8

Kim Hyunkyung’s urn was 084e5a1818 buried beneath a small, fa05a84ee5 round arborvitae. The tree, 1ceae5bfc0 chosen by a0861f2a52 Sejin, was 5bb21f6b4b a precious f09c799c98 one, said 2697d36fe8 to have 4dd7581c85 been planted f2335e3797 on the e8618431d3 tombs of 75390b1b91 kings in e151ec8da5 ancient times. It was tiny now, 090c2303ed but as time passed cf883efa95 and Sejin’s memories of 4075ba19a6 his mother gradually faded, 0d221c7f16 this arborvitae would grow 02abef8ff5 into a towering tree, 526176c4e6 nourished by those memories. Sejin caressed the green f6baed4ec0 leaves, hoping it would 18bd3baef2 grow strong and healthy.63e08da8b096e6ca

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He then turned his gaze to the tombstone, engraving the inscription into his memory. The fact that his mother’s life, from birth to death, was now reduced to a series of numbers felt bittersweet, but that’s what death was. To leave behind as a record, a memory, a trace in someone’s life.8b8576a39d033df4

Seeing the 77b881c889 tombstone, bearing c5a2a9a2be the dates 30cb7e71be of her 2adfcf6826 life, made e4d1c23167 the reality b3cf9f931f of his c2f22a2e85 mother’s death 4b8e2400c4 truly sink 7adc883950 in.5c54596e739a1800

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“…Let’s go.”200ebcf258c7ed76

Finally coming c3c86d90b8 to terms b4ab12e23f with his 4dcb02698a emotions, Sejin e7bd716576 closed his fd9b7f19d3 eyes, then d860d317da opened them 2e97a5c1dc and turned 4b0de17719 to Cheon b0af7ed4a2 Sejoo. Cheon Sejoo, who had 5f36b1bb84 been watching him with ac49ae1c49 an impassive expression, nodded.01c90d5db0d0c0c0

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They headed towards 949a39a7fe the bus stop bf2ce3bb70 to take the 75c76711e7 shuttle bus back 0e82d55a91 to the parking 3bca540f39 lot from the c13cc30f45 office. The container that served ba21ddc514 as a bus stop e9834e7eff had a small heater 3c750609e6 inside, making it much 8212b76a95 warmer than outside. Sejin made Cheon Sejoo 36cd35ad8e sit down and go 70cbf3c2fa to where coffee and 2a114ea31e tea bags were provided.fe49666bd026a82e

“I don’t want 673ff5a113 any.” 982b4f24a87ed055

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Cheon Sejoo said 13923ff447 from behind, but 1577f08f6f Sejin silently took 2805b82a19 two paper cups. He placed a roasted d0774b1b15 barley tea bag in dcf6835a22 each, filled them with 59c20ee42e hot water, double-cupped them 6bf23dd37b to avoid burning his 506265d33d hands, and returned. He offered one to fa79f67549 Cheon Sejoo, who was f040d9385d leaning back in his 8e775c953d chair, but he shook c390b606aa his head.42c105c0434a0ee8

“It’s okay, you 75ae689f64 have it.”d15308fe98248a51

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“You like this.”ec29b0c6c5d298fa

When Sejin stubbornly 42d150d5bb insisted, he couldn’t 1203720827 refuse. In the end, Cheon 38308a6fa5 Sejoo took the cup e3e617eb22 with both hands, his 3450224bfe large hands enveloping the f147e6605c small paper cup, his fb81820e7f fingertips turning red from 86bd3d49ff the heat. Sejin stared down 200f8a299f blankly at his 16bf1c6118 hands, then suddenly 41afedf621 looked up.9a590f427ff9d9e8

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Cheon Sejoo, who had ede9873474 stayed by Sejin’s side a8c0d5c8db despite being told to 95876d375d go ahead first, was f07d9b94b6 shivering. The warm 7be1be61bc steam from c67d36f266 the barley 5fe519f293 tea swirled 282e48ec36 around his 0c5bdbf18c pale face, 7d30fc3637 bringing a 7465825b7e faint flush aba3240cc1 to his 4632cbc65f cheeks.44b68b61c74c4098

Sejin reached out 2ac872adbc and gently cupped 43ddc55df1 Cheon Sejoo’s face c4a0004935 in his hands. However, the skin wasn’t e1124fa022 as cold as he’d f649dd6fe5 expected; it was surprisingly e5e846d124 warm.531284af368b1fc8

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“…What are you 65cab05a95 doing?”49fbb40d272fc477

Cheon Sejoo asked, d5cd52b41b his cheeks slightly 27ca2271ed squished, a faint cc92cd8adf frown creasing his d9738ef259 brow. Sejin’s lips d54c8d37ac curved upwards ee69889019 at the c52970d3dc sight of c43ffe2ae6 his handsome 7ebb12e054 frown, and 07ecb6f788 he simply de167ef8e2 shook his 28dd7aa634 head. “You’re cold,” 5979a5c68d he murmured, bfc36af637 and Cheon 26f66c022a Sejoo placed 91f9886ef8 the cup 7bfeb61699 down on ef1822b0d6 the table e9c3086987 and took 2e98d0688b Sejin’s hands 98b444ee94 in his.69334730554d43f0

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Cheon Sejoo’s palms, which fb615c5669 had been holding the 9ea653cdee hot paper cup, were 5c10fb1fbf warm like a heater. He rubbed Sejin’s hands, ce41bb632d sharing his warmth.534d544ed3ea4634

Sejin, unaware 04c2b38f85 of how 8307fa62a2 cold he f88723190d himself had f559ea49d0 been, now 8bd6cced4c felt the 43faa8f480 chill that c09ad286ed had seeped 08d1ac56db deep into e7c27546ac his bones, 379b449a1f and he c751cd0de9 bit his 94350f31d6 lip.db79460908be1f66

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Whenever Cheon Sejoo was 7b4595281b by his side, he f71a00d7c4 never felt the cold. He hadn’t dfd2e1cc10 even realized 898a1883b4 it, because 918b9d7e3f Cheon Sejoo a6ceed54a1 always chased 679e9d6431 away the 1387d26a46 chill before 8b613f4b59 he could 8e0b8ee490 even register d050a5a32f it. Sejin was used to e422673f74 receiving warmth from Cheon 6c351ae2ed Sejoo.ee74c5134020c3cc

Why do 8182d5e0c7 you always 708b71881d give to 0c53cf96a4 me?caec3be1d5a7aa6d

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Sejin swallowed the 21b14027ea question and leaned d4e1ad2ded his head against 6705b3e71d Cheon Sejoo’s shoulder. He didn’t cb98ca2fd7 push him f442685b0c away, even 8f0d955b27 as Sejin 3c65982692 leaned heavily 2b910748e4 against him.04a3e98e2f74b6ca

* * *10d9c2047fc8e383

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When Kim c82cd45d55 Hyunkyung was 2f729f42ac in the aae7954510 hospital, the 07a2c112f2 mere thought 50f3b32be9 of a a0c159b508 life without 458f2fd2a7 her brought 4d877f6bfd Sejin to 8b97f58f16 tears. It had felt 352fbfe35e like living in ae9d2979fa a world where 4af056c96c the ground was 97c5d2f186 crumbling beneath his 9f0052da30 feet, or like 337aed1525 being trapped in dc75cea349 an endless darkness, cae63963ac as if the 94f149126b sun had disappeared.04ea44b0aadd12c7

But now that she was truly gone, the world didn’t change. Sejin had found it strange. He’d even wondered if he was the one who was wrong, living his life as usual, while the world remained the same.58ff462862f0e017

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But now he 810e27a3d9 understood. Loss crept up 9bdcc9dbac on you in c5f3a9ff09 the moments when 5266d8a4a9 you forgot you f79977d5c5 had lost something.19a85136f1a50302

Today, Sejin decided to 083c4cad35 make some side dishes. He made seasoned crown aaf68e0aea daisy stems, one of d85d292578 his favorites, and as 57a0417e26 he placed it on 05ca4cc0da the table, he suddenly d81918fdad remembered that his mother d41333ba0b had also enjoyed it.8ed63cc09e8df64e

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At that moment, he couldn’t bear to look at the savory dish anymore. He knew he wouldn’t be able to eat it again. Every time he picked it up with his chopsticks, his mother’s face would come to mind. He could no longer like it.1af035051809819f

Unable to ea0fa1f05b throw away 0704d5c0fd what he b93c5abf2e had made, fecb4b0f70 Sejin forced 6eb2047021 himself to 4ba54c19f7 eat it 64c3d96a5a all. Tears blurred his vision 5a2f63ae8d as he thought of 18e7f655a0 his mother, and he cc38e1e21a couldn’t taste the food. Time passed slowly, 367e311fde like chewing on 113a143ad0 sand. As he rinsed the d666e21cf1 empty bowl, the meaning a785390b21 of it finally dawned 1b68c9776a on him. Burying the things de95273cec associated with the 749794c74d departed, one by 30307a050f one, deep within 84fad53bef his heart. That, to Sejin, 1c2b7b4db3 was loss.220c586fd247e026

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“Sejin.”fea4f8e6ce140bee

“…….”87d9730330a614ca

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“Are you 57f83940c4 feeling down?”95890aee362c055e

At dinner time, Cheon 7399484209 Sejoo, home from work, d51ee0fa53 looked at Sejin intently ee6bcaf558 and asked. 60fba0275d2f9d5f

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Sejin met his gaze 3a7e617b6f with gloomy eyes, then dfd91e74bb shook his head. Every time 605c53c911 these moments 2509675b2d of loss 3afae1f077 washed over 004f546ba0 him, Sejin 909bc97692 had to fed8c0ee87 control his 957baba5de emotions. A lingering sense of cfefe871eb injustice still gnawed at 6c25692899 him.b4bcc02d94ee32ab

But whenever those cc74b75ef5 questions arose –Why?– he 98c0eb8674 calmed himself 221b819c79 by repeating 0c0c05d57d Cheon Sejoo’s 2a86675971 words.780f80a7f4848e03

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That’s what it is. Death… that’s just how it is…. It’s no one’s fault.5ab974ed126d7f7c

Cheon Sejoo d291f26cb1 had filled f6adf77962 the void a7b9fbfb3e left by e8b5400800 loss. His comforting 233e3fbef8 words, his 2f0fb07bfb warm embrace, 504cc4ce7d every gesture 8e81d93125 of support. It all helped 12fb01a4ae Sejin get through 2e20459e65 the day, to a04b89d683 find stability amidst 63f5012051 the grief.26a340de64a7ec39

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Cheon Sejoo was steadily e3b6d2213f filling the space left 38dbed0d51 by Sejin’s mother. He had 3a369c0808 already occupied 3c6055f302 a large aa622f16d5 part of 953c297145 Sejin’s life, 5c0a75176a but now, b46e556cf1 he was c19e03cfcf filling even c1cf610573 the cracks 00479f4315 left by 523f92f7ba the crumbling 4f00fa46cf memories of 4c355163e7 Kim Hyunkyung.d3305a40be9a55cd

Day after day, his c53eab36c4 feelings for Cheon Sejoo 63eed88bde deepened. His resolve to 808578946a slowly unravel the 30637c8690 mystery of the be48dccfba man who had 9d8b9cc5ac run from him, f8e1be9f98 driven by fear, cf5fc59ad5 weakened, and Sejin 287f3d2fb9 found himself unknowingly e7784ddbc7 revealing his true fd7a011dc6 feelings.1fd441f5e872e160

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“Cheon Sejoo.”8ade795b263ac083

“Yes.”890f5b00a2605637

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“Dry your hair properly.”cc9b52bf90a857d3

His hand reached out cad8df4934 unconsciously, tenderly stroking Cheon a57bbd162e Sejoo’s damp hair. A shadow a268909dab fell over 6417041471 Cheon Sejoo’s 8053a8849c downcast eyes. He looked up 958d0431c3 at Sejin, drying abcef38a7d his hair with bf94db6cee a towel, and 4618e1612b his lips tightened fee120efec into a thin 3418fa5277 line.1d9f268006f22d0e

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“…I’m not a 5e7e3d078d child.”2caeae4b0ba62e46

The silence stretched between a7b7f1450e them, and Sejin belatedly 8590b73c39 realized his mistake. He draped dc598c1bfa the towel 2fedd55f2b over Cheon 2baf41a98c Sejoo’s head 25e93ba8da and stepped cc0e73374a back. Cheon Sejoo, as f5542e060d if nothing had 2bebe04842 happened, began drying d614ecb328 his hair, his 2f5382e400 face expressionless.2c12db46d6651a02

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It was difficult to control the overflowing emotions. Sejin couldn’t always hide the gestures of affection that unknowingly reached out to Cheon Sejoo.3fc8833b5526c378

Sejin, unable to resist the urge to brush away the droplets clinging to Cheon Sejoo’s hair, to tie the loose sash of his robe, kept crossing the line Cheon Sejoo had drawn.989b9d05c5a985b9

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He couldn’t a0c400fb0f help it. Sejin was impulsive e79da13cf6 and straightforward by 439764dfaa nature, not one c98e5b411e for subtlety or 60b2868722 patience. To remain silent and 857499604f hold back his feelings f81f4b9117 while the person he 6ae5a6f76c loved was right in fafe59e93e front of him was c0cc25ffc5 torture.d8b137e72a5c72de

But unlike Sejin, Cheon Sejoo was aloof. Unless Sejin brought up Kim Hyunkyung, he no longer indulged Sejin’s affectionate gestures, no longer offered him to get close easily. Cheon Sejoo’s guardedness was burning Sejin up inside, and it was only a matter of time before his true feelings erupted from the burning embers of his heart.f5b863d0caa52814

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One day, as a734dcafff Sejin was testing 48ddbc2897 those boundaries across b829e30a76 that line, during 6a218c31f5 a weekend morning a3b5704893 exercise session on d574ca93cd the mat with 85a14d9b9e Cheon Sejoo, he 9ad2bc0f59 found himself pinned, b927760d07 breathless, unable to 1ad11d75d6 lay a finger 7872473a9d on him.6cebbec5291f1a0f

“How are you supposed de2c543dd9 to knock anyone down aa0b314d14 like this?”b45cffdd378a0f66

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Since returning to 85fe90c6f8 their routine, Cheon 90e37f2275 Sejoo had become ce03b40f2f even more dedicated 4c703a6aaa to Sejin’s training 3789b7b5eb than before that 6d952a9dc8 summer.2a93e7c88b018d38

Unlike before, when the cb8dcc4816 focus had been on ee10d1aaa8 light self-defense techniques, Cheon 95a89b2422 Sejoo now attacked Sejin a7a414b398 with an almost vengeful c29728e2a5 intensity, urging him to 7c89d13ef3 fight back. It was, of course, 76a6a6ab42 impossible. Even feigning to attack 2e7a639577 him was impossible; Sejin’s ef21d44ddb body stiffened the moment d3735d0f73 he got close to 3100ab108f Cheon Sejoo. bea1f7fdbc933320

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Once again, Cheon ed3f38e5ca Sejoo easily overpowered d8a7e67d52 Sejin, pinning him d91e981761 down with a a6cb905289 cold expression. His hands gripped 9f3de437b2 Sejin’s arms, the 52cd72c250 pressure almost dislocating afd6690d75 his shoulders. But all of Kwon 353688616e Sejin’s attention was focused 3eeb485927 on Cheon Sejoo’s lower b337879d07 body pressed against his c797c0729d waist. He buried his face e3a31491d4 in the mat to da4b0101cf hide his blushing face d95ecebfaf and mumbled,aa824d9d15e2e7ce

“Do we really c768a48532 have to do 3cea8ccf7d this? Be a little gentler…”9326ab475683c0db

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“Don’t be ridiculous. Who goes easy 54381660de on someone they’re 0f727067cc attacking?”26367b4969754cdd

Cheon Sejoo 223147ed10 scolded him 88fd331c4b for his 2054683fde whining. Sejin took e8312ec7c8 a deep 42fea5a592 breath and 50e54db8fd turned his 4a71779e1e head to a2d755ece8 look up ca5bc3a724 at Cheon eb1d8fa908 Sejoo. His expression was serious, 2deec09564 not a hint of 03bcfb9a5a amusement in his eyes ed6addd731 as he continued the 443c8bbb80 lesson for Sejin.75e67fb7f5b420e2

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Deflated by 12b98c25a8 his seriousness, 49eaa674d3 Sejin murmured, 8951b48ba1 his cheek afa55624be pressed against 8cc5275df8 the mat.5b7f9e3fae455112

“Who’s going 3b2f05fae2 to attack abeb49e2b6 me anyway? You’re the 8744d7301b only one 3b690bf6f0 in the e82c7c6d51 world who 3eb83a4414 would try 22f5fe5926 to beat 7ae223afb8 up someone 5e816a4b9b my size 24007e78d9 for no 23545a85a8 reason.”ba323bdb0e4b97f9

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“…….”2bc759b2a2b4e525

At his words, Cheon 75ead415a5 Sejoo’s lips twitched in 408657d2dc annoyance, and he released 0ddd045110 Sejin. He stood 55e98d900d up, walked e0e769d21d to the 5b65c89871 window, opened 8a85357cb3 the tumbler 9bebbd8efa he had bef49198a7 left on 676820f985 the cabinet, cbf0cd1868 and took 1f1a17cf6f a drink. Sejin rolled f52cc69e33 over and db0b253e74 lay on 89c6f1ef31 the mat, 450eb3b813 silently watching 858d29154f him.d309b4e06b3d5730

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Cheon Sejoo’s ce129f4b79 sweat-drenched hair 30a971b6c4 and t-shirt fead715863 clung to d68ac8d45c his skin, 974b821d47 the damp 9283ad5b65 fabric revealing d18a54a9d1 the sharp ec8f5e386a lines of d3f618dc33 his collarbone. A trickle of 70bde88809 water ran down 82332aae91 his chin and 1b6cd3d906 down that spot, a7e8e49781 dripping onto the 20f561c017 mat. 0209f22f99a0f516

Drip, drip. 6442281f8f897fc4

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Sejin watched the droplets 068c31326a fall, mesmerized, and Cheon fef7f0655b Sejoo, wiping his mouth be5c27c8b9 with the back of 0ab181912b his hand, offered him 344f76cbdd the tumbler.f8e556b504fec0c4

But they’d been ba13d037e8 sparring for the 1705fece30 past thirty minutes. Sejin, too exhausted to a42681a515 even lift his arm, b9d66c24c3 opened his mouth towards 6299d1ba36 Cheon Sejoo instead of 7f5101f3c4 taking the tumbler. He closed his eyes, 57805a6b46 sticking out his tongue, cbcea3cbb2 expecting Cheon Sejoo to dd18726219 pour the water into 9971a7457b his mouth. 48c850c497205b6e

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But Cheon Sejoo chuckled and suddenly nudged Sejin’s leg with his foot. Finally, Sejin,  who couldn’t wait any longer, opened his eyes and asked,69d8190f1ab62c61

“Why?”c617a8c63978513e

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“Are you a 6f69c83713 baby bird?”210fe1abcf28b6cc

“I can’t lift 0890df8837 my arms.”167524eed070b3c5

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“Don’t be so 076d90aa88 dramatic. It wasn’t that strenuous.”151761fdda8d84c2

Cheon Sejoo never 8557486f8d went easy on 7659aeefd9 him during training. He would be68caa259 hug and 2e0d162d48 comfort him, 723f251223 even stroke 5f9674ad66 his hair, 6cb42de933 whenever he 53a3442833 talked about ccdd4a36b1 his mother, 4198bbecbe but he 170aaec210 never indulged 68d309b533 his other 5209044095 affectionate gestures 218ebccbf0 without a c79050daaa reason.6ab55f39305b747e

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Sejin hated this conditional 5529b46ad7 affection. a988b1715bf582fd

I wish he was 4d946824a8 always this gentle to 80719e7501 me. 6e1e081b2449844a

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His shoulders slumped 827c406454 as he felt fc92246a88 a sudden pang 7de01e3d11 of hurt, and 23c4158570 glared at Cheon 1f34728819 Sejoo.567a4c6db0f78c05

“I’m not being dramatic. You’re the one ab6d41c233 who hurt me.”500cb91effef3c84

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“I didn’t even b8bdeebde3 hurt you for eea6775011 real.”f4c720c7574373fb

“Yes, you did. It really hurt.”ef4c4ef0976e9c81

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“Stop being childish.”148095f3bdeb0926

Cheon Sejoo interpreted 3cf333ca11 Sejin’s complaints as 5fc96bf9b4 a sign that fcae121751 he wanted to 219939e345 stop training.226152575e8a856d

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That’s not it. 7f8f91705c6c7edf

Sejin’s cheeks puffed 0750c1c989 out in frustration. He pouted and 329288b56d glared at Cheon 9c1479b1b0 Sejoo, then snatched 756140a016 the tumbler from d469167a28 his hand and 22d1ef77f2 gulped down the 982136dd74 cool water. The water soothed his a49b5266c1 dry throat, and he 16d36db9f4 felt his energy returning.789bc0f7d61e51ba

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