PEN Vol 5 Ch. 6

“Manager.”

Just as a splitting headache hit him, Baek Sunghwan’s men approached. He turned and saw them holding a body bag, there to clean up the mess.

Cheon Sejoo stared at the black bag that would become Han Jonghyun’s coffin, then silently walked away. With each step he took further from death, red footprints followed him.

Reaching a bathroom deep within the hospital, away from the auditorium, Cheon Sejoo finally saw his reflection in the mirror and chuckled humorlessly. His hands were covered in blood.

Dried blood stained his shoes, and droplets clung to the back of his left hand, the hand that had gripped Han Jonghyun’s hair.

He looked like a murderer.

“…….”

Staring at his reflection, he closed his eyes, then opened them again.

‘Does your guilt stem from the fact that you killed a man? Or from the fact that you failed to become the doctor your beloved sister wished for, instead becoming a butcher who slaughters people?’

Shin Gyoyeon’s words echoed painfully in his mind. Cheon Sejoo finally recognized the change within himself and silently clenched his fists.

In the beginning, it had definitely been the former. He had felt revulsion and pain at taking a life. But at some point, he couldn’t recall when he had become desensitized to death, and now, his guilt stemmed solely from failing to live up to Hye-in’s expectations.

When was the last time he felt guilty for violating the sanctity of human life? 

When did I become so indifferent to killing?

But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t pinpoint the moment it began. He had just killed Han Jonghyung, someone he had spoken with several times, someone he’d even felt a flicker of sympathy for, yet he felt no remorse for the act itself. What tormented him was the change within himself. Over the past six years, he had become a ruthless killer. That was the only change he registered.

Cheon Sejoo, the man in the mirror, was a pathetic man who had become someone no one wanted him to be. He felt no guilt, no remorse. All that remained was a deep, self-loathing that choked him.

From the moment he recognized this change, he had become too exhausted to even think straight.

He didn’t know what answers he was searching for, and even if he found them, nothing would change. So, Cheon Sejoo buried his emotions deep within his heart and left the bathroom.

Ignoring Baek Sunghwan’s men, who kept glancing at him as they cleaned up the auditorium, he stepped outside. The sky was completely dark. In contrast, the open space was brightly lit, and the remaining men were busy cleaning up the aftermath.

Cheon Sejoo avoided them and walked towards his car. He opened the trunk, took off his bloodstained shoes and jacket, stuffed them into a black garbage bag, and put on a new clean pair of shoes. He would give the bloodstained clothes to Sunhyuk, who would take care of them.

A message from Chae Beomjun was waiting on his phone, which he had left in the car.

-You have no scheduled appointments for the next few days, so get some rest. And don’t overthink things.

He got into the driver’s seat, read the message, and started the car.

Even self-loathing seemed to require energy; his exhaustion left no room for such thoughts. Cheon Sejoo simply wanted to rest in the place where he felt most comfortable, so he drove home, forcing himself forward.

Arriving at the parking lot, he stepped out on the 41st floor, clutching his throbbing forehead, and only then, as he stood before his door, did he remember that he had run away from Sejin the day before.

The worries he had pushed aside came flooding back, followed by the belated realization that he couldn’t give Sejin any answers right now.

He couldn’t accept Sejin’s feelings for him. Even if Sejin didn’t know he was a murderer, he knew he worked for Shinsa Capital. Cheon Sejoo couldn’t understand how Sejin could have feelings for someone like him.

Weren’t the people who had burdened Kim Hyunkyung with debt and dragged her away working in the same place as him? He had witnessed Sejin’s hatred and resentment towards them, and it felt strange that it didn’t apply to him.

If Sejin were truly his younger brother, he would have confronted him directly and scolded him. Are you crazy? he would have yelled. Why would you like such a person? He would have reprimanded him, punished him. However, Kwon Sejin wasn’t his real brother, and the despicable person Sejin had feelings for was him.

Exhausted, Cheon Sejoo leaned against the wall next to his door and sighed. Home was just a step away, but unlike Sejin, who approached him without hesitation, Cheon Sejoo couldn’t bring himself to go inside and face him.

If Sejin confessed his feelings, he wouldn’t be able to bear it. He would want to separate Sejin away from that “trash,” from himself. He was afraid of that inevitable disaster.

Just as he was about to give up and return to the workshop, the door suddenly swung open, and Sejin peeked out. Wearing an apron, Sejin stared at Cheon Sejoo with calm eyes. His expression was indifferent, the desperate yearning from yesterday was gone.

Cheon Sejoo met his gaze, his body tensing without him realizing it. And Sejin, as if nothing had happened, opened the door wide, welcoming him.

“Come in. Dinner’s ready.”

Sejin would never know how much that calm voice reassured Sejoo. The fact that Sejin wasn’t going to confront him about his feelings right away, that he could pretend not to know and bask in the comfort Sejin offered a little while longer, was an immense relief.

“…Okay.”

As he nodded and replied, Sejin silently turned and went back inside. Cheon Sejoo watched him go, then took off his shoes and entered the apartment.

The atmosphere was different from yesterday. Instead of the deathly silence, the apartment felt lived-in, as if Cheon Sejoo had only been away for a short while. The cartoon he usually watched was playing on TV, and Sejin was bustling around in the kitchen.

The side dishes on the table were enough for two, and there were exactly two rice bowls set by the rice cooker. Sejin, alerted by the car’s arrival notification, had prepared dinner.

“Have a seat. Or do you want to wash up first?”

The air was filled with the aroma of delicious food, and unlike the icy wind outside, the apartment was warm and cozy. A casual invitation from Kwon Sejin, wearing an apron.

It was a temporary reprieve, gained by feigning ignorance of Sejin’s feelings, but Cheon Sejoo was content in this moment. If he could, he would ignore the feelings he’d become aware of forever.

It was a cowardly act, but he couldn’t help it.

After seeing Sejin clinging to him yesterday, his dreams had been haunted by the image of an empty, desolate apartment. He had wandered through the vacant rooms, alone, having pushed Sejin away, unable to accept his love. In those dreams, he was always lonely. However, if they both pretended not to know, he could protect this peaceful everyday life.

“…I’ll wash up first.”

Cheon Sejoo went to the dressing room to get some clothes. As he came out, he noticed his bed was neatly made. The sight of Sejin sleeping on his T-shirt, lips pressed against the fabric, seemed like a dream. The mattress was perfectly smooth as if it wasn’t used.

The same was true when he returned to the living room. Sejin was bustling around, preparing dinner, just like always. The scene he’d witnessed yesterday really felt like a dream.

He showered, letting the hot water scald his skin. He lathered and scrubbed himself repeatedly, as if trying to wash away the lingering scent of blood. Then, to soothe his flushed skin, he rinsed himself with ice-cold water before stepping out of the bathroom, still dripping.

He went to the kitchen, still damp and barely dressed, and Sejin, hearing the door open, was serving rice into bowls. As always, Cheon Sejoo went to the refrigerator, took out a bottle of water, and placed it on the table. Then, he sat down across from Sejin.

He noticed the steamed flounder on his plate, carefully deboned by Sejin. Looking at Sejin’s fingertips, reddened by the heat, Cheon Sejoo opened his mouth with difficulty.

“Thanks for the food.”

“Eat up.”

Sejin didn’t say anything else, treating Cheon Sejoo casually, as if it were just another day before Kim Hyunkyung’s death. He couldn’t have forgotten meeting Cheon Sejoo at home yesterday, so Cheon Sejoo felt a surge of anxiety, unsure of what Sejin was thinking and why he was pretending not to know. He could only ignore the unsettling feeling aside and finished his meal.

Afterwards, he went to the living room and sat down on the sofa, leaning back with his chin resting on one armrest, staring at the TV absentmindedly. His mind was empty. It was as if his exhausted body was rejecting all thoughts as nothing came to his mind. Cheon Sejoo simply stared at the little bear in the cartoon rolling around on the floor. He then felt like he could finally breathe.

As he slowly regained his energy—

“Cheon Sejoo.”

He looked up at the sudden sound of his name and saw Sejin standing before him. He had climbed onto the sofa beside him and was sitting with his knees drawn up to his chest. Even though Sejin had been taller and broader than him for months, in that position, he looked like a child, his head barely reaching his shoulders. 

Cheon Sejoo sat up straighter and looked at him. “Yes?” he replied, and Sejin quietly asked,

“What should I do now?”

His clear eyes were dry, devoid of tears. Cheon Sejoo realized that Sejin had finally accepted his mother’s death.

Cheon Sejoo gazed at Sejin intently.

“…What do you want to do?”