PEN Vol 5 Ch. 10

Since there was no reason for Cheon Sejoo to dislike him, Sejin assumed there must be another reason for rejecting his confession. It was an impressive display of confidence, to say the least.

Unlike Sejin, who was constantly, albeit unintentionally, revealing his feelings, Cheon Sejoo was a master of self-control. Sejin couldn’t fathom his thoughts or intentions.

“Cheon Sejoo.”

“What.”

Cheon Sejoo, seemingly exhausted by Sejin’s not-so-playful antics, was cleaning up the mats, signaling the end of their training session. Sejin snatched the cleaning cloth from his hand, knelt down, and started wiping the mat himself, asking,

“I have a question.”

“What. If it’s nonsense, just keep quiet.”

Cheon Sejoo’s voice was cold. Undeterred, Sejin glanced up at him. He had opened the window and was lighting a cigarette, his gaze distant.

The only way to learn about Cheon Sejoo was to ask him directly. But Sejin wasn’t good at subtle conversations. Without even attempting to be indirect, he instantly asked,

“What’s your ideal type?”

He asked, partly out of curiosity, partly to rule out the very slim possibility that Cheon Sejoo genuinely found him repulsive. As expected, Cheon Sejoo didn’t react well. He narrowed his eyes and looked down at Sejin, who was squatting on the floor and wiping the mats. His voice was very cold.

“Why would you want to know that?”

Sejin’s feelings wouldn’t disappear just because Cheon Sejoo didn’t acknowledge them. On the contrary, every time Cheon Sejoo turned away, pretending not to notice the feelings Sejin had accidentally revealed, Sejin felt a stronger urge to confess everything. But it was precisely because Cheon Sejoo was avoiding his feelings that he could ask such a question so casually.

“We live together, it’s a normal question to ask. For your information, my ideal type is similar to you.”

“…….”

It was a blatant attempt to get a reaction, but Sejin knew that unless he confessed outright, Cheon Sejoo would remain silent. He was a stubborn man, who still hadn’t mentioned the debt he’d paid off, the medical and hospital bills he’d covered.

And that silence was proof of how much Cheon Sejoo cared for him. Cheon Sejoo was avoiding him to avoid running away from him. It was a profound contradiction, but Sejin couldn’t deny the affection underlying it, and that’s why he could tolerate this ridiculous charade.

“So, what’s your ideal type?”

Even with this blatant prodding, Cheon Sejoo would pretend not to know. But it would bother him. It would feel like Sejin was teasing him, toying with the line. The moment Cheon Sejoo snapped, the moment he opened his mouth, would be Sejin’s opportunity. A chance to learn the truth he was hiding.

At his blatant question and persistent stare, Cheon Sejoo scoffed, then stubbed out his cigarette in the ashtray on the windowsill and replied.

“Pretty, small, and submissive younger men.”

“…….”

Sejin’s eyebrow twitched. It was an ideal type far removed from himself. 

Is he doing this on purpose? 

The question rose to the tip of his tongue, but Cheon Sejoo’s face was serious. His eyes conveyed that he wasn’t lying, not even a little.

Sejin eventually composed himself and thought. 

Pretty… He was handsome, but being called “pretty” wasn’t entirely inaccurate. One condition was met.

Next, small… Small in what way?

Sejin thought about it hard, then nodded. Come to think of it, that Kang Doyoon guy was short and his face was small. Sejin had a small face, so that condition could also be considered met. It felt like a stretch, but he decided to let it slide. And finally, the last one…. He mulled over the last condition, then asked, confused,

“What do you mean by ‘submissive’?”

Cheon Sejoo stared at Sejin, then answered in a flat voice.

“Someone who obediently says ‘yes’ when I tell them to do something. Someone who doesn’t talk back, doesn’t defy me, is docile. Someone who isn’t a pain in the ass.”

That last part was definitely aimed at him. It felt like he was intentionally listing everything Sejin wasn’t. Sejin, feeling his mood sour as he listened, glared sullenly at him.

“What kind of taste is that? It’s perverted. Do you like doing weird stuffs? What are you doing that requires someone to only just say ‘yes, yes’?”

Cheon Sejoo’s blood pressure rose at his accusatory tone. He felt a throbbing in his temples as Sejin’s recent actions flashed before his eyes.

He could overlook Sejin’s unintentional slips, almost-but-not-quite crossings of the line. He had felt Sejin’s flustered reaction when he was tying his robe, and had seen him pull back his hand just as he was about to touch his face. He knew Sejin wasn’t doing it intentionally.

But this blatant teasing, this deliberate pushing of boundaries, was unbearable.

What’s wrong with my preferences?

Sejin seemed to be sulking because his description didn’t fit him, but the strange one was Kwon Sejin. Cheon Sejoo glared at him and retorted sharply,

“Do you think your taste is any better?”

“What?”

No matter how many days he thought about it, he couldn’t understand. What did Sejin even know about him? In Sejin’s eyes, he was nothing more than a loan shark, a gangster, a thug, someone with a flawed personality who looked down on and belittled Sejin for being less educated.

The fact that Sejin had fallen for the few acts of kindness he’d shown frustrated Cheon Sejoo.

“You have terrible taste in people, seriously.”

“…….”

And with Cheon Sejoo’s retort, Sejin understood the meaning of “giving a blow and receiving a thrashing in return.” A tremendous shock struck him.

What’s that supposed to mean?

He swallowed the words that rose to his lips, barely managing to keep his mouth shut. Cheon Sejoo looked down at him silently for a moment, then turned and left the room. Sejin watched his retreating figure walk down the hallway, then belatedly followed.

He couldn’t believe what he had just heard. He couldn’t believe Cheon Sejoo, of all people, would say such a thing. The rising frustration made him follow Cheon Sejoo into the dressing room.

“I have good taste in people.”

“…….”

Sejin spoke, more of a defense to Cheon Sejoo than a statement. It was disconcerting to hear Cheon Sejoo belittle himself. He was always so confident, a man who knew he was intelligent and attractive. But for him to say Sejin had a bad taste in people, knowing he had feelings for him, was like Cheon Sejoo shattering the image Sejin had built of him.

His words were laced with self-loathing. It was both shocking and heartbreaking. If this was the hidden side of Cheon Sejoo, the one he didn’t know, he couldn’t bear it.

Sejin remembered vividly the moment he felt disgusted with himself for feeling hungry after his mother’s death. It had been a brief moment, but he had felt utterly miserable, the self-hatred almost unbearable. The thought of Cheon Sejoo constantly carrying that feeling inside, unseen by him, made his heart ache. He clung to Cheon Sejoo, chattering,

“My ideal type is someone really amazing. Why are you dismissing it? I have really high standards. I don’t just like anyone.”

“Be quiet.”

Unfazed by Cheon Sejoo’s warning, he continued. He couldn’t let him wallow in self-loathing.

“Really. My ideal type is someone kind, affectionate, someone with a great personality.”

“Kwon Sejin!”

Cheon Sejoo finally snapped, unable to listen to his rambling any longer. He glared at Sejin, his face rigid. Sejin closed his mouth and observed his expression.

Cheon Sejoo looked angry. Frustrated.

“You… don’t know anything,” 

His words laced with exhaustion, made Sejin clench his fists. 

Then tell me. Just like I did for you, give me a chance to understand you.

But he couldn’t say the words, because Cheon Sejoo’s eyes were filled with the same fear he’d seen before. Meeting his gaze, Sejin suddenly understood what he meant.

“…You can say that because you don’t know anything.”

Are you refusing to give me a chance because you’re afraid of me understanding you?

Sejin swallowed the question and met Cheon Sejoo’s gaze, hoping for another hint. But that was all. Cheon Sejoo, his patience clearly at an end, ran a hand through his hair in frustration and warned Sejin,

“Stop it. Unless you want to get kicked out.”

“…….”

It was a clear warning to stay within the line. Sejin, feeling a little scared, nodded his head obediently. He decided to retreat. One more step, and Cheon Sejoo would either run away or kick him out. 

In any case, there had been some progress, and that was enough for now.

* * *

“Haah…”

A frustrated sigh escaped his lips. Cheon Sejoo, his face hardened with displeasure, tapped his fingers restlessly against the armrest of the sofa. The rhythmic sound echoed in the silent office.

His brow was furrowed, his lips pressed into a thin line. He had been like this since yesterday. The reason was Kwon Sejin. His behavior was making Cheon Sejoo uneasy.

Since that day, Sejin hadn’t mentioned the incident where Cheon Sejoo ran away. Even when Cheon Sejoo drew a line between them with the word “housekeeper,” Sejin demanded his role as a guardian, presenting himself as someone under Cheon Sejoo’s protection. Thus, Cheon Sejoo had assumed Sejin agreed to the terms of their cohabitation.

But that silent agreement seemed to have been his misconception. Kwon Sejin didn’t seem to care about those rules at all. Yesterday had been the limit. He couldn’t tolerate Sejin praising him as if he were some virtuous person when he knew nothing about him.

If I told you I killed people for our safety, would you still be able to look at me with that calm expression?

He couldn’t bring himself to ask the question burning in his throat, only managing a weak, “You don’t know anything.”

And what had Sejin’s expression been when he heard those words? The blatant challenge in his eyes, as if saying, Then tell me, had rendered Cheon Sejoo speechless. The moment their eyes met, he’d almost told him everything, a ridiculous impulse he’d barely suppressed.

Come to think of it, it was always like this when he was with Sejin. No matter how bad his mood, how unpleasant the day, all his worries disappeared when he was with him. He just wanted to tease Sejin, to see him get annoyed and snap back at him. 

The ugliness of his reality transformed into something insignificant beside Sejin. During the year and a half they’d spent together, Cheon Sejoo had simply laughed carelessly, like an immature older brother, beside Sejin.

That’s why he was now afraid of being near him. He was afraid that, looking into Sejin’s innocent eyes, he would unknowingly confess his entire past.