PEN Vol 5 Ch. 1

Reflection 4 Part 2 A week ago, when Sejin 7433fdda09 woke up, the space beside him was empty. He sat up, searching for Cheon Sejoo’s 0bc2f15475 warmth, and quietly searched the apartment.74d40f0334e9aa64a334

“Cheon Sejoo, ff07774dbf where are b5367f2f7a you?”b832e6a36f51b48eb188

His weak voice fafcec2685 echoed through the f1fa30516c apartment. Walking through the vast, almost cavernous space, Sejin searched for 01587b58ba Cheon Sejoo, but he was nowhere to be found. Finally, after searching the bathroom, Sejin realized that Cheon Sejoo 298e237e62 wasn’t anywhere in the apartment, and his expression hardened.1eaf339501a8500da7d1

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His downcast gaze swept 8f6e20068c over his surroundings. The bathroom floor was dry; 7fc7415f96 it meant Cheon Sejoo had f16453a0d7 left without showering. He had left 2743ea0319 in a hurry, 2e62b0789b or perhaps casually. Then Sejin remembered the empty refrigerator and 6379d20c3a assumed he had gone grocery shopping. A sigh 68e8e22b06 of relief 35d4a78048 escaped his 40b03aeb11 lips.5a45c7e7e9e851db6eed

Trudging out of the bathroom listlessly, 0513d0c0ad Sejin curled up on the sofa. Even though quite some c0c9e1cd83 time had passed since be1035a8e9 his last meal, he 1024ce0d8a wasn’t hungry. He only 48a919dbb0 felt numb. He buried his face a1bf39b47b in his knees, then eea39ba882 suddenly looked up.8b9e6bf67361b21c055e

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The empty sofa 52dbabadef caught his eye. Cheon Sejoo’s bdc95ae46b favorite sofa 0c0de941c2 looked unusually e468eb65fd desolate today. Sejin stared at it 7b24db018f for a moment, then b675df60df stood up. He carefully climbed onto the sofa and lay down 21ba6d47be in the exact position as Cheon Sejoo usually did.47b1a1796d93c081310c

He closed his eyes, then with 84829e0eab some effort, opened them again. He could see the fd1ef3bc6e TV, the hallway, and 389b6a296b part of the window 6cef1a3d5c all at once. He understood why 8164c5fa07 Cheon Sejoo always fe5f910def lay here. The wide 7438185f29 view didn’t 30e8f702f1 feel constricting 8933bd1b1b at all.aefbe772e38bad232874

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The only downside was that 3d324a4937 he couldn’t see his own 0fde1d58a2 usual spot from here. The chair beside the table where Sejin always cb9c96d234 sat, before he had a study room, was 3ec8198ba8 only visible from the sofa if he lifted 77d9f257e0 his head and looked down.6608a2d13fb0eef9091e

He wasn’t sure if he should be relieved that Cheon Sejoo e2e0c3d862 hadn’t noticed him peeking at him all those times while he 3beace3203 sat at the table studying, or if he should be upset b0636531c2 that he wasn’t within Cheon Sejoo’s line of sight. Suddenly feeling drained, Sejin silently gazed at the view c0fb5f509e Cheon Sejoo always looked at, then closed his eyes.c73c071017bbce9904e0

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Cheon Sejoo will be 9c4f6c5c2e back soon, the supermarket c682eaa907 is close… db933c408f9d7902a0e8

But as he thought this, he e2a0ebf091 drifted off to sleep, and when 90c9997ea3 he woke up again, it was 26484101c6 late at night. The sky outside 7eef644391 the window was d8df6778d7 dark. The TV, turned 5e67fb2bf8 off, displayed a 02941fc16a black screen. Silence surrounded him. Sejin sat 0516b08a44 up abruptly.b03bab027e6c98d6d323

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“Cheon Sejoo.”a8775de75845822a1453

Sejin called out his name 6fc043680a in a hoarse voice, but c067b76f68 again, there was no answer. It seemed he hadn’t b7d6c05ee5 gone to the supermarket 11325e6207 but was away on a11704dbfd business.b3a2b374aa062def082d

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Sejin wasn’t surprised. Cheon Sejoo c3deaa9d00 often left e79549a4c5 without notice. However, just like every other time when ed491fee00 Cheon Sejoo disappeared suddenly, Sejin had a f6de8bf8e2 feeling he wouldn’t be coming home tonight. He moved fef4696409 to Cheon 327fbf9f99 Sejoo’s room.7aa87531de04195b05c4

The bed 1771c5d6d3 was still 07ab44a3a8 unmade. Sejin climbed onto the spot where Cheon 37bb511264 Sejoo had lain, buried his face in f321aeffd0 his pillow, and hugged the blanket. It seemed to e262925221 retain Cheon Sejoo’s a0cba12579 faint scent. A sweet, 9649273062 yet cool 7ad6742c2a fragrance…fc2dc99083cfb1ac3ef2

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And so, 1316aede46 Sejin fell 387ed2664b asleep again.d6456f229365742296b8

When he woke up 445e59f552 again, it was dawn. He couldn’t sleep 7e15f1cd93 deeply, perhaps because 64a4e86f40 his stomach was 1c8e745dce empty. He got out of efeebfae33 bed listlessly and looked 32afed01e8 down at his stomach 3d084c941a with gloomy eyes.15a6988afdb0f710f97c

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The moment he registered his hunger along with the rumbling 2c8989a7a3 of his stomach, a wave of self-disgust washed over him.ed096d699bb6bf271681

Mom is dead.76fdcd10f3b8f3dbc503

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It felt strange to 696e888592 want to eat when 12530848e1 his mother could no ea72ffaf73 longer eat anything. He felt like a bad person, incapable of 1ff21b0ede even feeling proper grief over her death. This intense self-loathing afff9d861d was a new 6e1df7f8f2 feeling for Sejin. He felt a pang 63d5c74ba0 somewhere deep inside. He felt 720cd8d752 utterly miserable beac8d1b8c and sad.e832d80cecd617254de7

Despite feeling depressed, Sejin forced himself to get up, a6d6f2b980 remembering Cheon Sejoo’s voice ringing in his ears. 46e42d912b21cd4c4159

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I have c946ff0c2b to live. 2a1d1729a4e2cfd3d75d

The words Cheon Sejoo had spoken at bf5888c492 the funeral home kept him going. Nothing good 68b254c099 would come 58fb7deed4 from starving 5038f9e87d himself. aba2b711f29507b62590

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Mom would be angry if ecbb09e812 she knew, and Cheon Sejoo c5d0c508bc would be upset too. 2415f0e27fdbcbfd120b

Thinking this, bc4199b044 Sejin headed eaf77cface to the 22ae784ed9 kitchen.bad39b6a9808f11e6123

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He placed his dead phone on the charger and 0f59b69571 opened the refrigerator to prepare a simple meal. He was about to take out some preserved c2c202dee9 side dishes that should still be edible when 5289ff6e90 he noticed the marinated ribs he had prepared 19027ffe59 for his mother and stopped.f19bb029249511fa1d58

He had marinated them in a sauce with plenty of kiwis b439524cfd to tenderize the meat because Kim Hyunkyung had trouble digesting food. Having missed the optimal time to cook them, the a1ff9dae52 meat would have probably become mushy by now. Or it 1a1532e217 might have 5d252ec0a1 already spoiled.9a39f462ed90348c93c2

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“…….”610015071f10d91c9cfd

But Sejin didn’t c319722ff5 want to throw 5a30e19c0b the ribs away. Discarding something he had 6af11b4cb4 prepared for her felt 193c2eb49c like erasing a trace 0e8d5f0f1d of his mother. He wasn’t ready 819d9de995 for that yet.df94a6943812c61c0818

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Feeling a lump in his throat, Sejin placed the 460aa4745f container of ribs deep inside the freezer and took 987504bdc7 out a few preserved side dishes that were still e75438ebaf edible and placed them on the table.13e56e0a0ceecbfb2480

The rice left 971fbe3a21 in the rice 73d19016f1 cooker had long 2b9c1fea03 since dried out. Since they’d ordered takeout on ec57ddf0c9 the 31st and New Year’s 1b68c83dbe Day when Cheon Sejoo was e2682d4fda home, Sejin hadn’t realized.60b94ed9f49de12349e1

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He heated up the last pack of instant rice he could 2d31a6ccc4 find in the cupboard and placed it on the table. He ate it with the 4815d36239 slightly stale stir-fried anchovies and cafc1dab31 nuts, and dried squid strips. The sweet and 120fac83c7 salty flavors made 074ef1f938 his mouth water. Sejin chuckled humorlessly at the 4035775d6e absurdity and finished his meal.e86f77121d8cfdd40192

Then, he sent a 6b616e5b1e message to Cheon Sejoo.44529829795ba67e9e81

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6:21 When are 0019eae663 you coming 84f6203cf2 home?8dda038b8f343731bb8c

There was 44e656a4bf no reply. Instead of waiting for 6d7c627348 his message, Sejin did ff7471c1d0 the dishes and tidied 00e81e4f9a up the apartment.63ba7add44f73796dcda

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Even though no one had been 2a67be64e3 there, the apartment was surprisingly dusty 5ee6f00a39 after just a few days. He used almost half a roll of disposable cleaning b424b76c16 cloths for the wet mop before he finished cleaning.ff167afc00ad1e86f8fc

By the time he was 0f63566e7b done, he checked the time 14e07b2e13 and it was past noon. It took that long because he b331f8e7c5 hadn’t cleaned thoroughly in a while, 6f67c4f4f7 and the apartment was large. It was tiring, but Sejin worked hard, driven by the thought a0a00b6310 that he couldn’t leave Cheon Sejoo’s home covered in dust. And after 0ef88aab90 all that, d77d89eeb9 he was a9f3b29a64 hungry again.ef351a2c3498833aa7d1

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This time, it wasn’t just a acc483f025 passing hunger that could be satisfied 56b1690518 with a simple snack. Thus Sejin went 411719d8f1 to the kitchen f39ec8dd3f and started preparing 9602a61098 a proper meal. c456da6378f066f99436

He rinsed the rice and started a new batch, then took out the frozen shrimp 259f5c6a45 and seafood mix from the freezer and stir-fried them with kimchi and napa cabbage. Then, remembering something, he 5a9ab37e52 soaked some dried seaweed f2bad902eb to make seaweed soup a7fcc5d197 with perilla powder.70ab1e77f64efaf7a6b2

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Cheon Sejoo’s birthday a35811f88a was January 1st. Last year, he hadn’t remembered in time, but 9ad48c4efb this year… he’d missed it while sleeping.7e85aa26085e9eb2e3a6

He felt not 2174a4f98b only sorry but b6be47cf18 also guilty towards 7174daeef2 Cheon Sejoo. Blaming himself for being foolish, he carefully placed the 24ca0edef3 entire pot of seaweed soup in the refrigerator. He would eat it with cfe2887851 Cheon Sejoo when he returned.9e0037d0bc469a41504f

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I should go out 9a9f45b9fd later and buy a deb73a4ae8 cake too.d27d506c264e47ad26a4

Even though it’s late, I af86de70ae should at least let him f00e4efde0 blow out the candles. dc5b87672e746c122dce

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He felt bad that he couldn’t do more for Cheon Sejoo, who had done so much for him, so he 6f585e2262 also planned to go to the department store with him once he got back and buy him a present. He thought it would c9cb95b8fb be nice if Cheon e249afb639 Sejoo happily received it.0045b76e5c32d4ca8864

After finishing lunch, Sejin sat in the revitalized b74cd06c54 apartment, staring blankly at the flowing Han River. This was the first time he’d been truly 53d1cb2dad alone since the funeral, and the worries he’d 0e57e86dbb been putting off came flooding back.a7677bb9f565be4b5f2a

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The CSAT 0a4c2c59cf was long 883d9ff48f over.f7c2a72205060abfb7b8

I should have studied 25b4f8d3ef less if I wasn’t c9660e6de0 even going to take 9ea869013e the exam anyway. 78516aa22a43824251c3

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Sejin regretted it. He should have spent that ac044c5a6c time visiting his mother instead. 9b5d259a863217530d4e

I should have told 670fccca10 Mom I loved her 275575d702 more often. 45c41aa4dfb5b6bff243

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Did I bc5b65143f ever apologize 5407e703f0 for snapping 5745aa05ce at her?31efbb6eaac9d030c64d

Sejin followed that train of thought for a moment, ee215466f7 then shook his head, feeling his mood sinking. He didn’t want to 441d5b764a think about his mother 86993cb42a when he was alone. Dwelling on it was bdb44b5047 too much to bear 57a0a9ac24 without Cheon Sejoo.66301b2e1072afc3e3bc

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What about the fd4e81aec1 apartment now? b7d69f8b8a624981c002

That was 1a3e1961bf his next ae0929ac1c worry. His original plan was e446b28eec to enlist in the 805a491728 military as soon as 2b6bc5d49f he turned twenty. He would save his military salary, build up a lump sum, and 15411578c3 then, after his discharge, find a place to live with Kim Hyunkyung, f302bf5579 who would have finished her time at Ehwagak, and start anew.a5b4ad8119cc7fff7f38

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But those plans had c1b3802ad0 become hazy after he e2f14215d4 started studying with Cheon 0af2084c9c Sejoo.d37552f5f452a1f08b10

What if 803d4b8cb8 I get 103403988a accepted into e70a245417 college?0f1470f7330fe7197cd2

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That question had kept intruding, 9079650565 constantly altering his imagined future. Each time that happened, he had told himself he would think 03119bd5b8 about it after the CSAT, postponing any revisions to his plans. However, since he hadn’t taken CSAT, there 433056bea9 was no reason not to proceed with bfcb8ae53b his original plan, yet he hesitated.8d36833b470b3bc23334

He didn’t 1d298b62c6 want to 53c3036543 leave Cheon 161ced628b Sejoo’s side.26dae4115e7fe21005db

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The thought of Cheon Sejoo being left alone in this apartment 7da3b23b57 if he enlisted in the military right away worried him. It was strange. Sejin was the one who had lost f2571d783e his family, yet he was more worried 3fe1841b1d about Cheon Sejoo than himself.17fcc1e03ce4fcf5b069

‘That’s what 30deb6dd3c it is. Death… that’s 3f1be41ef3 how it 7da61bdd5d is….’02802fc844f96a5ba10d

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He suddenly recalled Cheon e2b2ee3e90 Sejoo’s words to him b70e99b9a7 when he was consumed 92eb087410 by resentment. It had only been a few days ago, 519d262eef but back then, he resented Cheon Sejoo. He hated that Cheon Sejoo, of all 6f0edc885d people, would say such things to him. But there was d689b56404 nothing wrong with 607fc1f690 what he had f387c8be2b said.b0c2d4152df82030e7dc

Of course, that didn’t mean his resentment 180aecafd5 towards the others had completely vanished. Sejin still hated the loan sharks who took his mother away, 3278c9678e and he loathed Kwon Yongbeom, the source of all their misfortune. Yet, he no longer felt the same surge of faeac2554d anger and grief he felt at the funeral.3172d9a8012f7b4bfcdf

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As Cheon Sejoo had a34aab2b0b said, Sejin didn’t want dbf46bc7c5 to be chained to a65c0349b4 the past. He didn’t want to waste his 8c105ade1f life hating and resenting everything that 1f36a3529f had led to his mother’s death. That’s what 7c93566aa4 Kim Hyunkyung 44df169b38 would have 51b8b934d5 wanted.0128592e636d0123f30a

Her last words to 1f0f133043 Sejin, the day before efce3a1c0a she died, had been a6c8915a7e just that. Before losing consciousness from the excruciating pain, she had 0919d03cda whispered, not recognizing Sejin holding her hand beside her,410930e7172059a787a8

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‘Please tell Sejin, my son, that my fb89c6292a wish was to die before I turned d8b8884072 50, so I have no regrets. Tell him not to cry for me, feeling sorry for me, but to live happily, enjoying the things he 4393c5f970 wants to do, the things he wants to eat, the things he wants to have, the things he loves.’19e6eef8b23f76bfe791

After Kim Hyunkyung’s death, Sejin 1c264bf433 was consumed by undirected anger. But after hearing Cheon Sejoo’s be1ca90ed2 words, the knot in his 31e0f4a8fa heart loosened, and he remembered b4627db462 his mother’s words.c15871e9d0cc191a0e1c

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As Cheon Sejoo had said, if he lived 7b029a8d16 clinging to resentment for things he’d missed, he 7f08f1bbdc couldn’t live happily as his mother wished. He had realized this 74a5f86710 early on, thanks to bc61c0a5cd Cheon Sejoo. That’s why, even while feeling disgusted e9ae4bc92e with himself for feeling hungry in af38b87aed this situation, he could still diligently 83ba9852d7 prepare and eat his meals.ae9a3201f8f722cb74ee

He wanted to live enjoying the things a28680e4ac he loved, as she had said. He wanted to live better aae4b0775d than anyone, so that she e9cec039ce wouldn’t regret leaving her young dd41c75d76 son behind, watching from above.b53dbc60cb9d319ddfde

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And for 6f93a27d31 that, he a5e59fefa1 needed Cheon 63697ff8a5 Sejoo. Sejin wanted to be with Cheon Sejoo, ff7d3bb15b to share delicious food with him, and b557e30342 to become someone he needed. He wanted to have 5787cb336e Cheon Sejoo, to love 818405c394 him completely. So Sejin waited patiently ff99f8982d for his return.b947a09bd00c90cf5bd1

But he didn’t f33e19c76a come home for aba69e5fa1 a week.6c514abfd65a281c2e84

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After that message, I won’t 0553e5071a be able to come home de3dc0ed3e for a while, Cheon Sejoo 59d2e80c6d hadn’t contacted him. He was usually someone who at 73c7b81aa5 least checked his messages, no matter 2ebacf8ba5 how busy he was, so at 607acceb1e first, Sejin was terrified. He feared 4fce74eb7d something might fe8a299f42 have happened cc8c675eea to him.b6fcf0947833a58bd085

Three days, c26168ab9d four days, 8edb9d9d01 and finally c302f7df97 a week. As the days without ef10effa31 Cheon Sejoo stretched on, b9a710d690 Sejin’s mood plummeted.7029e1a726e567b16a4a

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His unstable emotional state 5b251697a2 after Kim Hyunkyung’s death 855204de0a trapped him in a ddd84791bd state of immense anxiety. It made 81b698f163 him feel 4236be711a abandoned. Old memories, lingering ad6a6de67e like trauma, resurfaced. 12b3a1e6552f30e98317

Like Kwon Yongbeom, who had hit him and his mother and left home, ee2e5c6496 never to return, would Cheon Sejoo also leave him and never come back? 00e3f57d9489f8e10048

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Sejin was consumed 36551c0992 by endless anxiety.59e741c06ebaa41b73df

He knew what kind of person Cheon Sejoo was and that c23717cb6d he wouldn’t act so irresponsibly, but he couldn’t help it. Having been abandoned by his father, his uncle, b5edb7bb13 his homeroom teacher, by countless irresponsible men, it 11b4370f91 was a scenario he couldn’t help but imagine.6829d6cf230864e33a35

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You brought 9cb83abc67 me here. ad954aad22eea75d9759

You can’t do this 279c19e86c to me now. 19ddf0e084e3cf03ecca

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You can’t b7923c0510 abandon me f73081d41f so irresponsibly. 150c192e8c9c73d99e35

You can’t…a4caf47c5ccdb1719a0a

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