PEN Vol 4 Ch. 19

Sejin had planned to join a factory after graduating high school and completing his military service, working 18 hours a day to give his mother a comfortable life. But she passed away two days before he became an adult. His mother had never enjoyed anything good in her life, trapped in the mountains and working endlessly because of the debts Kwon Yongbeom had left behind….

Sejin felt like he was going crazy with pity for his mother’s life. She had given birth to him at a young age and raised him so well without giving up, yet she left without ever receiving anything in return. He felt a suffocating sense of injustice.

But who could he blame? He didn’t know where Kwon Yongbeom was, and the only person left by his side was this man who had shown him unfamiliar affection. Unable to shake off the resentment filling his heart, Sejin could only burst into tears.

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Cheon Sejoo was his only solace. He was the only one who reached out a hand to Sejin, who was standing at the edge of a cliff…. In that solemnity, the lingering feelings of betrayal and resentment towards him melted away like snow. Sejin leaned on the warmth Cheon Sejoo offered, filling the void within him with his kindness.

His calloused hands soothed Sejin. One, two, matching his breaths with Sejoo’s, Sejin gradually calmed down. Finally, his sobs subsided, and Sejin, his face pale, pulled away from Cheon Sejoo. Then, as if reluctant to let go of the fading scent, he wrapped his arms around Cheon Sejoo’s waist again and rested his cheek against his shoulder. Cheon Sejoo’s white nape and two small moles came into view. 

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Sejin stared blankly at them and spoke in a hoarse voice.

“I don’t know what to do….”

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“…….”

He sounded like a lost child. Holding Sejin tightly, Cheon Sejoo turned his head, buried his lips in his hair, and explained in a gentle voice,

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“Contact everyone your mother knew and sit in the head mourner’s seat to receive the guests. Do you know their contact information?”

“…I don’t know. Mom doesn’t have her phone….”

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Sejin rubbed his cheek against Sejoo’s shoulder like a child. Cheon Sejoo thought for a moment and remembered that Kim Hyunkyung’s phone had been taken away when she entered Ehwagak. 

Since she had been hospitalized, Sejin had stayed with her for a while, and after that, the caregiver had been there, so no one had looked for the phone and its existence had been forgotten. It was probably kept at Sinsa Capital. He needed to call Kim Donggil and tell him to bring it.

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“I’ll have someone bring the phone. You go out and sit down.”

“…What about you? Where will you be…?”

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As he pulled away from Sejin to speak, Sejin looked up and asked. His clear, glass-like eyes gazed intently at Cheon Sejoo so close. Sejin met his gaze, held his wrist, and pleaded in a trembling voice,

“Can’t you… stay by my side…?”

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“Your seat is only for the head mourner….”

“I don’t want to be alone….”

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Sejin’s state was unstable. Unable to do anything about Sejin, who was trembling as if he would start crying again, Cheon Sejoo couldn’t refuse and finally nodded. It would be better for someone to stay by the side of a young child with no relatives, sitting alone in the head mourner’s seat. He patted Sejin’s shoulder.

“Alright. Then change into these clothes and go out there. I’ll make some calls and come in.”

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Cheon Sejoo opened the suitcase he had placed on the floor and took out a new suit jacket for Sejin. Thanks to his weight loss, Cheon Sejoo’s suit jacket fit him perfectly. It was fortunate that it was a classic design. He handed Sejin the pants as well and left the room. He went straight out of the funeral hall and headed towards the outdoor smoking area, calling Kim Donggil as he went.

As always, Kim Donggil answered before the phone could even ring properly.

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-Yes, boss! How have you been? What’s up?

“Hey, who has the debtors’ cell phones?”

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-Cell phones? Debtors? Ahhh, you mean the debtor’s phones?

At Cheon Sejoo’s abrupt question, Kim Donggil cleared his throat. He seemed to think for a moment, then groaned and called out to Cheon Sejoo.

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-Boss, I think they’re around here somewhere. Uh, uh, you’re looking for Ms. Kim Hyunjung’s, right?

“Kim Hyunkyung.”

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-Ah, yes. Right. Usually, uh, when a debtor pays off their debt, we give them a certificate of repayment along with their phone. But last time, boss, you called and sent the money, so Ms. Kim Hyunkyung’s file is still at the office. Should I bring that too?”

A certificate of repayment. It wasn’t something he wanted to show Sejin. However, Cheon Sejoo needed to check it at least once, so he let out a short sigh and replied.

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“Do whatever you want, just bring the phone quickly. And if there’s a charger, bring that too.”

-Yes, where should I go? I’ll leave right away.

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“Here…”

Cheon Sejoo, who had been speaking with a cigarette in his mouth, suddenly closed his lips. He looked around with a calm gaze and then answered in a low voice.

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“Korea University Hospital funeral home.”

-Oh, I guess someone died. Alright, I’ll be right there.

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Kim Donggil’s voice disappeared, and the lukewarm screen of his phone went dark. Cheon Sejoo stood there still, looking down at the bare floor. He then opened the screen again and opened his message inbox.

He informed Han Jiwon of Kim Hyunkyung’s death. Han Jiwon had visited Kim Hyunkyung a few times on her days off, so she immediately called Cheon Sejoo and burst into tears.

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-Perhaps, back then… even when she said she was dieting… maybe she was already sick then…

Cheon Sejoo wasn’t the only one feeling guilty about Kim Hyunkyung’s death. Han Jiwon had also overlooked her collapse, knowing about it. Cheon Sejoo swallowed a bitter laugh and denied her words.

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“No, Manager Han, you know how fast pancreatic cancer spreads. She would’ve been fine back then. And it’s a cancer that’s hard to detect early anyway. Even if you thought something was strange and went to the hospital back then, they wouldn’t have found it. Don’t worry about it. Ms. Kim Hyunkyung told you not to think like that, so just forget about it. It’s not your fault, Manager.”

-Is that so…?

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Han Jiwon’s voice was gloomy. Cheon Sejoo realized that she wouldn’t be able to completely erase her regrets and lingering feelings, just like him. But there was nothing more he could do. Those left behind after the death of a loved one had to swallow and digest the regrets thrown their way.

Han Jiwon soon hung up, saying that she would come with the staff after closing Ehwagak. Standing there, Cheon Sejoo slowly smoked his cigarette, reflecting on the past.

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He didn’t remember much about Hye-in’s funeral, but he remembered helping out when a friend’s father passed away during his college days, so he knew all the procedures. The casket to hold the deceased, the shroud.

Everything cost money. Cheon Sejoo didn’t want Sejin to worry about money while sending Kim Hyunkyung off, so he stopped by the funeral home office before returning to the funeral hall. There, he pre-ordered everything necessary so Sejin wouldn’t have to worry.

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When he returned to the funeral hall, Sejin, dressed in the suit he had brought, was sitting alone in the head mourner’s seat.

Sejin’s appearance was pitiful as he sat looking down at the floor with a face that, though devoid of tears, still held traces of sorrow. Cheon Sejoo approached Sejin and helped him up.

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“Have you eaten?”

“I don’t have an appetite…”

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“You still have to eat. Come here.”

Sejin rose weakly, as if he didn’t even have the energy to argue. He was led by Cheon Sejoo’s hand to the dining area where Kim Sunhee and the women who had come to help were quietly chatting. Kim Sunhee, spotting them, stood up and led Sejin to a table inside.

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“That’s right, you have to eat. That’s so your mom won’t worry. Mr/ Cheon, please join us too. I’ll bring the food.”

Kim Sunhee patted Sejin’s shoulder and went straight to the kitchen. She returned with a heaping serving of warm yukgaejang (spicy beef soup), rice, and various jeon (Korean pancakes). She set the meal on the table, and Cheon Sejoo placed a spoon in Sejin’s unmoving hand.

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“Eat.”

“…….”

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Sejin nodded absentmindedly and scooped up some rice. Then, as soon as he put a mouthful of rice in his mouth, he stopped moving. With his cheeks puffed out, Sejin lowered his head and tears began to fall. Cheon Sejoo could guess what he was thinking.

My mom is dead, but is it okay for me to be like this? Is it okay for me to be eating, acting like nothing happened? 

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He must be thinking those things.

It was a natural thought to have when someone very close to you died. Those left behind felt immense grief at the fact that the world kept turning as if nothing had happened, even though someone who was a part of their lives was now gone. Eventually, they felt as if they were the ones in the wrong, being a part of the world that continues on indifferently, and they sank into an uncontrollable melancholy.

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Cheon Sejoo had experienced the same thing. He couldn’t understand that Hye-in was dead, but he was still alive and well. It felt like the world was out of sync. …But all of that was just a fleeting emotion.

“You have to eat. That’s how you live.”

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Cheon Sejoo spoke calmly and placed some side dishes on his rice bowl. He had to live. Because he was alive, he had to keep going. That was life.

“Yeah, you too…”

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Sejin wiped away his tears after a while and said so. With his face swollen from crying, he picked up his chopsticks to put some side dishes in Cheon Sejoo’s rice bowl. 

Cheon Sejoo accepted it without a word. The food felt like grains of sand in his mouth, but he didn’t show it.

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