PEN Vol 4 Ch. 17

At Sejin’s quiet question, another sharp pain shot through Sejoo’s head as if it were being stabbed with a knife.

He found out. So that’s why Sejin didn’t return to the hospital room.

With this belated realization, Cheon Sejoo closed his eyes tightly and then opened them, lifting his gaze. He saw the redness around Sejin’s eyes. Sejin stared at Cheon Sejoo with a desolate gaze and asked again.

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“Was it that day? The day you went to Ehwagak alone.”

“…….”

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He was speechless. He couldn’t answer. That day, Cheon Sejoo had lied to Sejin, telling him that he and Kim Hyunkyung had discussed Sejin’s grades.

Sejin had initially doubted him, but it was Cheon Sejoo who, by chipping away at his pride, made him believe the lie.

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When Cheon Sejoo remained silent, Sejin bit his lip and narrowed his eyes. His clenched fists turned white, and soon, with a face seemingly holding back tears, he opened his mouth.

“Why didn’t you tell me? You could have let me know…!”

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Kwon Sejin now hates me.

At that moment, a deep desire to confess everything surged within him. 

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It wasn’t intentional. I wanted to tell you, but your mother asked me not to say anything.

He wanted to say those words. He wanted to redirect Sejin’s resentment towards Kim Hyunkyung.

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But how could he?

How could he, driven by his own fear of being hated, inflict pain on Sejin in her place? What right did he have to make Kwon Sejin resent his own mother…?

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Cheon Sejoo watched Sejin, his lips sealed. He simply wished Sejin wouldn’t cry. He wished Sejin wouldn’t dwell on that day with regret. To achieve that, he needed something to cover up the regret.

“Why should I have told you?”

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“…What?”

Sejin’s eyes widened at Cheon Sejoo’s cold question. Looking at him, Cheon Sejoo pressed firmly on one side of his forehead, which was throbbing with a headache. Kim Hyunkyung’s request to him not to tell Sejin about “that day’s incident” during their earlier conversation had been conveniently left unsaid.

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She had simply thanked Cheon Sejoo for not telling him, so the agitated Sejin wouldn’t have thought that far. He forced an indifferent tone in his voice.

“It’s true that your mother collapsed that day. But it was a trivial matter then, and it wasn’t something important to me.”

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Lying wasn’t difficult. There was something more important right in front of him.

“Trivial…?”

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“It’s nothing serious. People collapse from working in the summer heat.”

Yes. I’d rather you hate me instead. Don’t resent her…

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“How… how can you say something like that?”

And just as Cheon Sejoo had wished, Sejin’s trembling gaze turned towards him. With tears welling in his eyes, Sejin clenched his fists and glared at Cheon Sejoo.

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His expression showed disbelief as if he couldn’t believe Cheon Sejoo was saying these things to him. That belief was both comforting and burdensome. Cheon Sejoo, with a cold expression, drove the wedge further.

“Why blame me for something like this? I didn’t know it would turn out this way. It’s in the past, just let it go.”

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“How… how can you…”

Sejin couldn’t finish his sentence and closed his mouth. Tears, a chaotic mix of anger and betrayal, streamed down his cheeks. His face turned pale.

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The moment Sejoo saw this, the urge to tell him the truth surged again. But Cheon Sejoo gritted his teeth and held back.

If he confessed the truth, the weight of Sejin’s resentment towards him would lighten somewhat. But resentment was an emotion that never truly disappeared. Sejin would inevitably resent Kim Hyunkyung to the same degree that he forgave Cheon Sejoo. He would resent her for not telling him sooner, for not giving him the chance to protect her.

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But Kim Hyunkyung was dying. Cheon Sejoo wished that when she passed, Sejin wouldn’t harbor any resentment towards her. Those negative feelings would gnaw at Sejin, who would be left alone, for a very long time. Cheon Sejoo didn’t want Sejin to experience what he had gone through.

And what was he? Just someone who had briefly stayed by Sejin’s side, a temporary guardian in his life, with a predetermined end. Even if Sejin were hurt by today’s events, it would be only a fleeting pain. If Sejin had to resent one of them, him or Kim Hyunkyung, it had to be him.

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Cheon Sejoo clenched his fists to resist the urge to wipe away Sejin’s tears. 

Glaring at Sejoo, his face pale, Sejin grabbed the hem of Cheon Sejoo’s jacket he was wearing. With trembling hands, he pulled it off and tossed it back at Cheon Sejoo as if throwing it away.

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“I don’t… need this…crap…”

His fragile voice crumbled. Sejin turned his back on Cheon Sejoo, refusing to look at him. 

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Cheon Sejoo clutched the jacket, which still held a faint trace of Sejin’s warmth. He watched Sejin’s retreating back as he walked away, rooted to the spot as if lifeless.

Everything felt burdensome. Kim Hyunkyung dying, Sejin’s pain, his resentment… It was to the point where he wanted to let everything go. But he couldn’t.

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He knew this resentment was temporary. In the end, the only person Kwon Sejin could lean on was him, and Sejin was bound to return to his arms before long.

To embrace Sejin then, he had to endure until the end. He had to stand firm, ensuring no one saw him waver.

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Cheon Sejoo moved his feet with difficulty. The cold winter wind seemed to have frozen his entire body, but driven by the thought of returning to Sejin, he closed the rooftop door and went back inside. He was about to head back to Kim Hyunkyung’s hospital room when…

“Cheon Sejoo!”

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A figure appearing seemingly out of nowhere grabbed Cheon Sejoo by the collar. 

Thud. 

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With no resistance, his back slammed against the wall, and he stared ahead with an empty gaze.

A man, somehow familiar yet unfamiliar, stood before him. Cheon Sejoo blinked, unable to recognize him immediately.

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“How dare you show your face here, you criminal scum!”

The sudden accusation brought him back to his senses. Only then, with a slightly clearer gaze, did Cheon Sejoo focus on the man in front of him.

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“Don’t you have any conscience? Aren’t you ashamed to face your colleagues?!”

A white doctor’s coat was draped over the hand gripping his collar. 

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Lee Jung-oh. 

Upon seeing the name embroidered on it, Cheon Sejoo finally remembered exactly who he was.

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He was someone who lingered in his memory. A colleague he wasn’t particularly close to. And the guy who had visited him in jail, spewing harsh words about never returning to the hospital before leaving.

“You piece of trash who tried to kill someone, aren’t you embarrassed? Why are you here?!”

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His former colleague was extremely agitated. The sharp accusations he hurled pierced Cheon Sejoo’s chest. His voice, filled with hostility, echoed loudly through the stairwell. Cheon Sejoo’s head felt like it was splitting. Yet, he couldn’t even bring himself to push the man away; he just laughed weakly.

“You should’ve gone to a different hospital! Even if you were dying, you should’ve gone somewhere else! Do you know what we had to listen to after you left?! What the patients said?! How dare you come here?!”

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Lee Jung-oh had always harbored an inferiority complex towards him. He had been subjected to his attacks more than once, so such accusations weren’t unfamiliar, yet they felt utterly hollow.

He had told Ha Yereum, who was worried about him, that he was fine, but it was ironically amusing that at this very moment, someone appeared to remind him of who he was.

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I know. I know that… 

Cheon Sejoo didn’t want to come here either. If it had been him, not Kim Hyunkyung, who was sick, he would never have set foot in this place.

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But what choice did he have? With Sejin looking like that, Cheon Sejoo could only think of taking his mother to the best medical professionals he knew.

He had no regrets now. He had always thought something like this would happen eventually. But did it have to be now? He had been in and out of the hospital for months, so why did it have to be now…?

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Cheon Sejoo closed his eyes tightly and covered his ears. The accusations directed at him poured down on him. Words that normally wouldn’t have bothered him felt heavy today. He felt like he was suffocating…

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