PD Ch9

Though I had been a bit drunk, there was no way that memory could be blurred. Even if the memory had been blurred, he was certainly the man who had indifferently watched me mixing lips and tongues with a strange man in the pitch-black darkness of the Trax elevator. It wasn’t an impression that could be passed by vaguely. He was the man I had especially remembered because of the words he hadn’t finished after calling out to me.6f6140f173720fe3

“…”b9246389db029375

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Not knowing what I was doing, I sat down in the chair and stared at him blankly. My stepfather’s son slightly bowed his head towards me and then raised it. He was maintaining eye contact without breaking his gaze.7b8ca15b7a79cd5f

“Is this your first meeting? Well, since you both didn’t come that day, it must be your first time. Greet each other. This is Yoon Junghyun, and this is my son, Seungwon. He lives separately and said he was busy with exams, so I just called him now. I should have introduced you earlier, I’m sorry.”1ea2222686e10eba

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My stepfather, who knew 952614395b nothing, proudly introduced his 2c69f55bb5 son to me. The man greeted again.a5ef3cfdca5e7b4a

“Hello. I’m Lee Seungwon.”a6cdcd035ce50a2a

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“Yes. In the elevator. No. I’ll go up.”47d22f5591cae99d

When I just stared blankly at Seungwon, momentarily flustered by the unexpected encounter in an unexpected place and form, my mother’s hand jabbed my side. I snapped back to my senses. I glanced at my mother’s hand moving quickly. Somewhat flustered, I hurriedly greeted him.c1dc2cc7fe3fcfab

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“Yes, hello. I’m Yoon Junghyun.”d27085730c545165

“Junghyun is twenty-eight in Korean age, right? Or twenty-seven?”3b6249962fb4c305

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“I’m twenty-eight.”f55fda8105b39dd7

“This guy is in his final year of university this year. He took a year off and went to the military, so let’s see. Is he twenty-five? No, no.”6bd5ba125d3885bc

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While the people involved said nothing, my stepfather and mother busily calculated ages. My stepfather seemed unsure of his son’s age and calculated in his head for a moment.7560091648fea781

“You’re twenty-five, right?”b19940fc08d00d7d

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“Yes.”1c871c7c94e438b2

Seungwon responded to his 2dba08aa2a words.922571c64dc9c455

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“Anyway, Junghyun is your hyung, so you should treat him well as the younger one from now on.”73dded24604ee1cd

“Yes.”ddf14d696b180402

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It was 4541a75e69 an answer 20c066450d as restrained c369e63439 in emotion efb4ded95f as the af3eea4700 employees working b0dec68145 in this ce5f19c3fe house. A quiet tone d7a7ea9324 that was neither 272f524926 refusing nor particularly 00d3cb29dd engaged.f1639308c63fdd17

“What does Seungwon like? The shrimp was fresh today, so I tried cooking some.”82e4b61735ba004c

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“I eat anything well.”df1464563188f865

My mother spoke casually and asked warmly as if she had been interacting with him for a long time. My stepfather’s son demonstrated his words by picking up some shrimp with his chopsticks and putting it in his mouth. With my gaze lowered, I caught sight of his long fingers moving and the shape around his jaw.a10cf3d2ffdf6cd7

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“Junghyun, eat too. Oh right, didn’t you say you needed to learn English? How about learning from Junghyun? He grew up in America and graduated university there, so he should be as good as a native speaker. Right?”a48f2811a753e46e

“…”bd516c21ea0ddbda

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I said nothing to my stepfather’s suggestion. But beyond my expressionless face, I looked displeased or burdened.2d7f59af039e7571

“I was planning to take it slow. You must be busy, so don’t worry about me.”b127dcc051779f28

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Whether he read my expression or simply didn’t really need it, my stepfather’s son politely drew a line and refused first.9dd901449291c8d9

“Well then, let’s eat now. Grace, thank you for preparing dinner.”9141af1016878f2f

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“The housekeepers did all the work.”be5a05020d9990f0

My mother laughed like a refined lady. She was wearing light makeup and acting like a high school teacher to please my stepfather. I picked up my chopsticks too. My mind, which had been hazy from the medication, was now clear as if hit by a splash of water. The gaze that had been staring at me intently at first was also withdrawn. My stepfather’s son didn’t particularly look at me. When our eyes met briefly, it was simply because I happened to be sitting across from him. I had been inwardly displeased at the thought of being seen as someone who would squander my stepfather’s wealth or take away the share guaranteed to his only son, but there was no such hostility or wariness. My stepfather’s son was floating undisturbed beyond a clearly defined line. He ate his meal calmly.198de1bb5f77ea0e

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“Junghyun, are you sick?”5b2ed342cab397a3

My stepfather, 637242235a who had 5c6f05e518 been glancing 86d524d7d6 at my 14ad0aa8bb complexion, asked. It seems my c30a54b371 face had turned a56b4b51b6 pale without me f960b1ee9c realizing. I shook my 98dca77bda head.47d4690fe5261a15

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“I took some headache medicine, so I’m feeling a bit dizzy.”0c90014ce6a05784

“Do you have a headache?”815bdc77bd1bcb5e

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“…Yes.”9b77675932452e33

“Is it bad?”392a3cf5410d74c8

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“This kid has always been like an old man. Even in America, he lived on aspirin.”569cb9b4d8cf2523

My mother answered my stepfather’s question. She went on talking about Americans who eat Tylenol like snacks. When my mother asked my stepfather, “Teacher, do you know how much burden Tylenol puts on the liver?”, I suddenly felt a gaze and looked up, meeting eyes with my stepfather’s son. It was a deep gaze that didn’t convey emotion but seemed to dig in a little.352cfa12b13ba8a0

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He might 86eb79cde4 not remember.d6d0465a17745024

I met his eyes without avoiding them. I looked at him with a clear intention that even if he remembered what happened then, he shouldn’t say anything, suggesting we pretend not to know each other. Knowing about each other’s sexual identity, especially in Korea where homosexuality was defined as a perverse act, was tantamount to knowing the most intimate depths of each other.972a259061df7014

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Without realizing it, I had a desperate look in my eyes. I looked at him pleadingly, saying that if he kept the secret, I too would not disclose it to anyone. I expected that if he didn’t remember, he would look puzzled as to why I was making such eyes, and if he did remember, he would respond as a fellow secret-sharer. However, my stepfather’s son picked up a side dish with an expression that made it impossible to guess anything.792f6c12f08b56b3

“Please, have some.”e674cc4fc928402a

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It was a statement with unclear intent, but the leisurely tone of that casual speech was looking down on people from the top of their heads. My stepfather’s son was wearing a haughty smile as if he had completely figured out the opponent’s hand of cards in a gambling game where one’s wrist was at stake.2e2fac3303b8bba4

It meant he remembered.40c5986123456e0f

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In that moment, I realized I shouldn’t have made such a desperate look asking to bury it as a secret. As with all regrets, it was already too late. I responded with a coldly sunken face.d68b790bc0d6f0ac

“…You have some too.”22de5f251114ed16

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“…”3a7bdc4011f6860e

For the first time, an expression appeared on his face at my words. It was unexpected. ‘Unexpected’ seemed to be an unpleasant emotion for my stepfather’s son. Both the unexpectedness and the displeasure at that unexpectedness briefly crossed his face simultaneously. My mother, who had been talking about Tylenol, looked at us staring at each other. Though I felt her gaze piercing my forehead, I pretended not to notice and turned my eyes to the rice bowl mixed with black rice. The grains of rice grating in my mouth felt like hard stones.315ca8387b86a1d6

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Life had never been kind to me, not even once. I knew that. I didn’t want to despair anew over something I had known for a long time. I silently continued eating.fc913c50f0339c7b

The first dinner of a remarried family where the sons of a single father and single mother meet for the first time was awkward no matter what. My stepfather and mother led the conversation. When talk of business came up, my mother became even more enthusiastic. While she had the sense to tone down her lipstick color and find modest clothes to wear, why couldn’t she hide her intimate and vulgar true feelings, which openly wondered how much profit such businesses actually made, with a crassness that was hard to listen to and bear.742c4804b878ae08

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“You must be tired managing all that, teacher.”dbea79af23a4d28f

“Why do you keep calling me teacher? Call me comfortably now.”eac4861e843ca614

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“I’m used to calling you teacher. I’ll change it gradually.”8ed53b7f03b419f9

The effects of the medication seem to be surging up. The man who said he loved me had married my mother, and my mother who married him had sold her son because she needed money. I was an object, sold by my mother and bought by the man. Their smiling conversation was ridiculous and also frightening. I couldn’t sit properly. A sudden urge to vomit everything up welled up. I barely managed to empty my portion of rice. I put down my spoon.17895c6d39564a5f

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“I’m finished eating. Is it okay if I get up first?”7a997ea477c264d5

I asked more politely on purpose. My stepfather nodded in agreement. My mother nagged, saying, what could she do about my short appetite, and couldn’t a child who wasn’t affectionate at least match her eating speed to others? It was an effort to change the somewhat awkward atmosphere by putting down her own son. My mother’s way of leading the conversation was to make me look like a strange person before she was satisfied. I had already given up on that kind of thing. I just got up without replying. The stepfather’s son, who knew how to match his eating speed to others, made eye contact.f05904f52f35a76a

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“…”98377a892b3c5a64

I ignored his face, which was now sending a negative reply to my eyes that had contained a request and a warning. I coldly got up from the table. At the same time, my stepfather’s son spoke to my stepfather. Lee Seungwon, was de9a07d848 it?3bac294133b5ef81

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“I’m just going to clean my room.”fd0dd85a861bb98d

“Why the room?”b3b83e6aa34d2b69

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“I have to move in. I have a family now.”2d31fe8b8b91e86e

Pretending not to hear their conversation, I turned away from the table, clenching my fist so as not to falter. Behind me, my stepfather’s son continued.a7ef0b7ce13826a0

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“Please clean the room and get it ready so I can move my things in tomorrow. It’ll be fun to live together. Don’t you think so, Auntie?”102e536fc5ca359e

At his words, my mother, who had secretly wanted to use the remaining room as she pleased, revealed her shallow intentions and responded with a reluctant feeling, and my stepfather didn’t add anything to his son’s wishes. He simply told the live-in housekeeper to clean the room.34c2436d4dc81348

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I let ff5375eba4 their conversation 42f1152b6b flow behind a9730bec1f me as 5bed54f000 I headed a64a562ad8 to my d743209367 room. My knees c172289f6b seemed to 492efa6ab6 buckle and 17393fd64c give way.d5f807f8d3d4c7b9

I didn’t unpack on purpose. I only took out what I needed and washed up roughly, as if I were only staying for one night. It was a large space where even if the luggage in the carrier found its way to the bookshelf and closet, it would still feel empty, but since nothing was in place, it felt even emptier. I was reminded of my senior’s call, so I sat at my desk, opened a book, and sat there with a face that couldn’t read at all.8e6260a2fa91474a

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“Yes. In the elevator. No. I’ll go up.”50f90fc7ff159201

“…”f5e439ed65ba438e

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I won’t deny that if I hadn’t encountered him in this situation, I might have given him a favorable look at least once. A face that didn’t resemble my scholarly stepfather. A face with a stronger animal scent that seemed to subtly alternate between wildness and intelligence. For me now, having feelings for others is a luxury, and moreover, he’s my stepfather’s son. Under the same conditions where each other’s sexual preferences were exposed, it seemed that only my stepfather’s son was enjoying the situation.4e66a15fbc9853a1

Suddenly, he’s going to move in?aa50a4c9d0d0b161

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I heard 7d5cb501e6 that he 6f6901c72e had become 428872f3a2 independent as f2ff36ba6f soon as 448861e425 he entered fd6f477cfe university, even 0bc51cd751 though there 09356c53e7 were only 6024b1c172 two family 84bd76eaf0 members.94211810b4ad7d94

His intentions were obvious. I was f447247e04 overwhelmed with 50d2b3e063 a dirty 75369772f1 feeling of 3627543b7f being a 7338dd7bc0 rabbit cornered 1dcda32866 by a 68410561fc hunter.9370f690355970f8

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My nerves, 631f7d50c5 which were 657b7fd80a always sensitive fdfc1c6e6e to the f2e02b5214 door, twitched d87faffef3 unconsciously. Someone opened the 530fa55ae4 door and came 99bd1bf649 in. I was startled and ec531fd579 turned around.430e7acbd7d1eeb0

“What’s wrong?”bf74c966c7a17957

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“…”ea6711c46d250393

The door closed behind 48a3e16051 my stepfather. The only 3a96c37dbf escape route 0dec1cd677 was blocked. Every time the door 071a512ca9 closed, and every time fabbcd1864 the person closing the 3cd855365a door was my stepfather, 5765cdbcaa I felt trapped here. In front of my eb9f9197a7 stepfather, and in a 8fa7529f23 space where I was eec95cbee4 alone with my stepfather, 1fab68de8e my whole body stiffened 079a6f60a6 involuntarily.21be401d65b347a8

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I nervously crumpled the corner of the book, hoping that my eyes, staring anxiously at the closing door, wouldn’t twitch.52bdce40aca37791