PD Ch5

The sky 4243aef587 lounge restaurant 8b23139941 was filled d38ab960aa with dinner b242057a3b guests.5df10af226ca2946

My mother recognized me 9d49bebf74 as I entered and 25af9d3c50 raised her hand slightly. She had taken a ecfdf0442d cruise along the Han 58ccaa2519 River and visited some 8604f9efba department store, and on f18d60e75e her lap was a ac5b0b8336 handbag I had never 474f7aaad7 seen before. Having worked part-time in d58c0609da the luxury goods section 4fbf32545b of a shopping center, cf27227f75 I knew most of 439e9e4a68 the brands and product 8b79737597 characteristics. What she was bfc63976fe holding was a 7ebe4de6ce so-called luxury bag. It was an d33b439b42 H brand bag, bf5487da4a considered one of f378cd13d1 the most luxurious.0bf095b842c21e92

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“You’re just arriving?”fffd02f3c079e685

My mother got up and gave me a light hug. It wasn’t that I had a phobia, but it felt as if her scent was transferring to me, along with the man’s scent, so I frowned without realizing it and carefully pulled away from her shoulder.91b74b27fd534096

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“I’m a little late.”a9faa67bd5693a31

“Mr. Lee gave me a lot of sightseeing in Seoul today. You know, when I said this bag was pretty, he gave it to me right there. It takes months to order, but I was really lucky.”b2ed54234111e8ad

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My mother couldn’t contain her joy. It was my mother, but it was hard to listen to her frivolousness. I felt humiliated, as if I had been insulted.afe7af2cf15a7025

“Is that so.”ce6c2aecee0241f8

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I showed the 1384c220f4 minimum amount of 73c1d6b1c9 interest I could fa31afd111 and replied with 2b0c268077 a blank expression.a2bd37481c39bdc0

Mr. Lee.fd13f15f6afd5d30

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The man who my mother called Mr. Lee when she was in a good mood, and President Lee when she was in a slightly bad mood, the man who would soon become my stepfather, smiled kindly and sent me a look. I sat up straight in my chair and deliberately cast my gaze elsewhere. I didn’t want to make eye contact. If our eyes met, it could only be described as a disaster. The man’s gaze, which seemed to scratch at my brow, was so obvious that the frown on my face deepened a little more.a180e31c5427d2df

“Junghyun, tell me if there’s anything you want to eat.”dc944d6573056adf

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The man asked, 7c27b20a8b persistently giving me 28a114d278 a look.3ccfcf91b94e2e99

“What did you order?”186dade562455dc7

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Ignoring the man’s question, I looked at my mother and asked.70f63c248610826b

“I just ordered the set menu. They say the sirloin steak is good here. Do you want steak?”fba336ab267ec2a9

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“Okay.”9244201c3c2d1404

I answered bcfab152f2 my mother, 20849b27d2 but this 0fa2833b43 time the 9333558bd4 man asked.08e997bbc53f4f82

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“What about wine?”e6e9cccb66d7573e

“I’m fine.”09977df6c4f3491f

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Without realizing it, a cold tone came out. My mother’s expression subtly distorted, as if she was worried that the man would notice my dislike of him. The face that I resembled, I was probably making a similar expression to her now.cb87e5c1bbdd4745

“Next time.”b171d3d392854e4e

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I didn’t want to provoke the dry and neurotic side of my mother. I forced a smile, smoothing out my hardened face, and barely managed to say the words.f63e58f1dca58fde

The man be3a53d1d6 placed an 5eb60c4f87 order. Listening to the dry f4db82e03d piano melody, I sat 41b983ad88 numbly, staring at my 0db6ebb02f mother who was chattering 6f84f4db89 incessantly. In a foreign country 090966e1df where communication was difficult, b459de6058 my mother had used 040f421ed8 that land as a a6875fc2d7 refuge, yet she always b8ee29018c wanted to return to 40ef6f5c21 Korea, the place she d06b5abc72 had fled from. Finally back in f39c9545b5 Korea as she 756def6af0 had long wished, cfe010c650 she was in f01af35567 a state of c9374560d0 excitement. She was 4f5d0f4c04 with a b5e158f395 man who 5a31ac6c78 had the 2ab624a9a7 financial means 576944c27c to solidly 636d9a9524 support their 5ce43a9da4 lifestyle. He was a 7dbeeaff8b man who had 2c93681352 forgiven our debt 1475e1148b without any conditions, a2c929fb19 even though it 4b2b9f853b had touched my 812975ec3c school tuition. To her, 6937f36d44 he was dc4c56dbd8 light, hope, 13018a5285 and salvation.497b1e3bffa40ad5

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My mother’s frivolous excitement seemed to keep stimulating my sore spots. I occasionally responded to her words, barely managing to lift the corners of my lips in what could barely be called a smile. My mother, who never knew how to let anything pass quietly, kept prodding at the feelings I was trying not to touch. After talking and laughing for a while, she changed her expression and asked me, who had been indifferent throughout. No, she attacked.574e1609cab66a4d

“Are you uncomfortable?”7237c1cc4a3b5be3

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“I’m not uncomfortable.”c8f4a16ca4e67e67

“You’re making a face like you’ve eaten something sour.”754871f686c787f5

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“It’s not that. I’m just not used to Seoul. I didn’t grow up here. I feel like I’m in a foreign country the whole time.”90ac2976df80bdc2

Yeah, maybe that’s why.bec8145f987d2bac

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This place called b5872ac524 Seoul, where people 166de121b7 of the same aaca0f390c race with the 216dadca65 same skin color 52c86682cf using the same 3f3e36ca0a language gathered, was 7283dface5 still foreign to 671072f4f8 me and unfamiliar 57e6eaadf6 even after several 2a72d5d2a9 days had passed.379871be5f819281

I felt suffocated. I could barely endure this short time, and I doubted how long I could put up with such a shameless mother and the man who couldn’t take his eyes off me. I couldn’t sit here in my right mind.21c7c420bdb41435

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“You wanted to come to Seoul too, didn’t you?”0165636bd1e989e1

“That was when I was young. I said I didn’t want to come. You forced me even though I said I didn’t want to. You should understand that to some extent.”6b6c37544040952d

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“How dare you!”4f2b1d1964b310a5

“Grace, that’s enough.”ba5543cae34d82b1

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My mother’s Korean name was Jiyoung. She hated her Korean name. Grace was the third English name she had changed to. When someone wanted to introduce themselves, my mother introduced herself as Grace. With a noticeably changed voice and expression, my mother sweetly apologized to the man.171694ad4bb2f973

“I’m sorry. This child is so unsociable. You understand, right?”85bcc4adc7d8b58b

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“Having grown up in America, Seoul might feel a bit stifling. And suddenly having a father is not an easy thing. I understand, Junghyun.”cf0f627478341ebc

“…”d2f962cf9bb4a38c

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Only then did I turn my gaze towards the man for the first time. The face of the middle-aged man who had divorced his wife long ago and become single didn’t just show the expectation of starting a family with a woman he liked. It was mixed with consideration, showing that he could fully understand the side effects and conflicts commonly seen in remarried families. A strong fishy smell emanated from the man who was acting kindly while pursuing dirty betrayal. It was a stench. It was the smell of rotting fish and decaying corpses that made one’s nose crumple. Violently rejecting him, I found myself glaring at the man with an expression as if I had smelled something foul.6356832e46278b81

“This child is getting…! What kind of disrespectful look is that?”8b5c35ba8d441aa0

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My mother’s hand slapped my shoulder.dbe04305af37977b

“I’ll be going now.”0b96af3a35eea469

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I couldn’t stand it anymore. I abruptly stood up and left the table. A waiter approaching the table with the ordered food stopped in his tracks and gave way to me. When I quickly left the restaurant where people were quietly talking and busy cutting their food, and stood in front of the elevator, the man who had followed me suddenly grabbed my wrist. As if a snake’s tail was coiling around my wrist, I shook him off in horror. My arm drew a large semicircle. My voice trembled, choked with anger.aab5287b77f66ad9

“My mom isn’t that stupid. She’ll soon find out. She’ll soon realize what kind of intentions you have for remarrying, what dirty thoughts you’re harboring inside. If she doesn’t seem to know, I’ll tell her. I’ll tell her with my own mouth what you did to me.”d039b78816a36829

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“Junghyun.”3592f53caabb42a8

“Are you really crazy?”2b0d92ebf4f8e558

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“Junghyun.”43854ff74f9c2dae

“Don’t touch me!”f366d4b94df794f1

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I stepped back a couple of steps to avoid the man’s hand reaching out to me. I was wary of him like prey facing a predator. The man’s outstretched hand curled into a pitiful shape. Just as his hand shape was pitiful, so was his expression. Despite my obvious disgust, desire was thickly coated in his eyes, and he didn’t even try to hide it. That was the truly disgusting part.f4621d9c2667530e

“That’s not how I feel.”5c3621621d4f1daf

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“Should I tell mom what you did to me? That you want to remarry? Are you really in your right mind? Sort yourself out. It’s horrifying just to think about it.”dcdedef9058edd95

“This is the first time I’ve felt this way.”053f80438cfcfeed

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“…”d4c5a2be4f7a0f4d

“I’ve never experienced this in my entire life. Even I’m bewildered.”95df7438dd0c59ed

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“…”c4b58a6f8db438ca

“I don’t know what to do. I just want to keep you close. That’s all I feel.”3c3445596212f7ee

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“…Don’t touch my body.”a105b0b901191905

I escaped into the elevator that had just arrived, avoiding the man who was gradually reducing his steps. He was a man who couldn’t be reasoned with. He was a man who lacked common sense. He didn’t care even though I was showing my disgust with my whole body. He clearly didn’t understand what I was saying. A sane person couldn’t act like that. It seemed like the worst-case scenario I had threatened and yelled at him about would unfold if I continued to deal with this man who seemed to have lost his grip on sanity somewhere. The man who couldn’t control himself and hide his emotions was literally a ticking time bomb that could explode at any moment. Ultimately, the most horrifying thing I wanted to avoid was my mother realizing the dirty desire her soon-to-be husband harbored for her son.af6be8d656c2e543

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I was terrified by the man’s eyes burning with desire for me. My body, frozen pale blue, moved stiffly. As I frantically pressed the elevator close button, a thin hand prevented it and entered. It was my mother.62a8b5e0d10e651d

“Stay in. I’ll take the child home and come right back.”8c3e0e319e1885f3

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My mother ae77a03d68 smiled leisurely eed44f11a9 as she 003cfda152 got into 27aa4582a3 the elevator. As the doors 46a468111b closed on the cd38be32eb image of the 3dbe533665 man standing helplessly, 02d529ba04 unable to stop 8e95e9af86 us, my mother ca9041cbf6 immediately slapped me f29729742b hard across the f00a2774b8 face.af79fc46fc10f339

Slap.05f6373d4e236f9d

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With my head turned, 6347299bed my gaze was directed eba93921e7 at the elevator floor.c02794742d153634

“I couldn’t even pay the trailer rent! President Lee solved everything for us, don’t you know that? You and I owe him a big debt! This isn’t polite! Why are you acting so stubbornly? What’s the reason?!”3e22dce33b34885e

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“The fifty thousand dollars that was scammed was my money. You’re the one who owes me, Mom. I don’t owe that man anything.”5c4b2817bb981454

“You’re putting on airs in front of your mother over a few pennies like that? I’ve endured and sacrificed my whole life for you. You know better than anyone how it was for me in America where we had no one.”65168e531a5c4f17

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“Mom, you didn’t endure for my sake. Don’t call it a sacrifice that you’ve raised me all this time while finding me burdensome like baggage. You didn’t sacrifice. You just didn’t have the courage to abandon me. You were afraid of being haunted by guilt and living as if being chased after abandoning me. And if I wasn’t there, Grandpa would have cut off the money.”570edf9052b5baaa

“…”71bf2285583abc26

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“Am I wrong?”d776df69fe3147e1

The disgust that 19e09b2e39 showed when I 422b981463 looked at the 65c89ac133 man appeared unfiltered 51de265b5e on my face. She trembled her lips df56751fff as she looked at a742dc151d my face. After glaring at me 4abc800389 for a while, my d586735006 mother opened her mouth.2d4bb9938e8c823f

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“Is your mother such a disgusting person to you?”3cab49c10fb7b370

“I feel sick every time you act like this.”c79228bf9c6c5e35

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My mother’s lips twisted. Our life in a foreign country where we had endured with just the two of us. The symbiotic relationship where we sometimes hated each other but couldn’t let go of pity was not that of comrades, but enemies. Enemies that we couldn’t abandon despite being enemies. My mother needed me, and I needed my mother, after all. For survival, we had to endure even what we disliked, and it was a time we couldn’t easily cut off just because we were mother and son.f7a0c38e2bbb50bc

“Whether I treated you like baggage or found you burdensome, I’m the mother who gave birth to you. Don’t I have the right to do this to you after giving birth to you in pain?”0b8861af76b40c71

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“I never asked to be born as your child. I wasn’t born because I wanted to be.”0b67bf7a6408de2b

“What is it that you hate so much, do you dislike that your mother is becoming happy?”dd3f8c481f341a22

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“That man doesn’t love you, Mom.”b4c0877d3c408e7f

“…Do you think I love that man?”df9b0db7b91ee00c

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My mother’s eyes wavered. I was desperate to choose the right words. My mother liked that man. Whether it was a sticky feeling of love or not was unclear, but she did like him, and she wanted to hold onto the man, using money as a superficial reason. The man used ambiguous rhetoric. He showed that he would marry her if she pushed for it. Whether he was being dragged along or voluntarily leading, it didn’t change the fact that it would take the form of marriage. My mother knew this fact better than anyone.3bf93faa5c5aa42c

Even in this situation, I didn’t want to hurt my mother. I could tolerate the wounds I inflicted on my mother, but I couldn’t bear it when it was caused by someone else. I was afraid that my mother would get hurt because of the man. Like me, my mother was already in tatters.ea7fd16f881f4e57

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