PD Ch3

‘This kiddo doesn’t even have a girlfriend yet.f86bfaf318fa2431

He’s definitely going to get teased a lot if he goes to Korea.0a1b82dd47286b80

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It’s even stranger here.2c493c32656346b3

Don’t you perhaps dislike women?’59105031e8b83ef2

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There was no way a man who ran a large business in both Korea and the United States would lack such perception. He looked neater than my mother had described, and he wasn’t the typical worn-out businessman type. He had an intellectual air, reminiscent of a university professor who would hole himself up in his lab for a week trying to solve a single problem. He had simply smiled and glanced at me when my mother said such nonsense.ed42050a2f8121bd

With the help 3defc3d19c of the driver, 749c57472d I put the 4f732ee2ac man in the 753cff5400 back seat of 7b51d5d461 the car and 588db5e07f sent him away, 894c663d15 wiping the damp 34f9de970b saliva that remained 7c1b88498b on my earlobe 200b28c85c with my sleeve. I hoped this was 54e1d43fef just a simple mistake 66751f357d or a bad joke. A man who loved dd9016ecf2 my mother and could 61a1d8e6c7 be financially supportive was 1a5b31a006 as desperate for me f2c7061511 as he was for cd6ec70ade her. Her desire to 54c15b45d8 be a woman, 4dd073027f not just a 899c79d48e mother to her 4c3ddc3368 child, and her 7fbe4d97c2 penchant for luxury 1f1574bc32 were like an 4263dd41bf unbearable debt to 5126c1c072 me. I was 94fc3b90d7 the one d593fec445 who most ba88b672d7 desperately wished 44d6949b16 for my e1ba31a522 mother and d63a12e778 the man b9df122f20 to work d00a0c529b out in c93f9eb334 some way.e9a7e8cdd7a7bbc8

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A few 3f6737f251 days later, 5d7af5d5b9 when my fc029276a3 mother went c37f1f103d out to 3bb32a2c8c a meeting 3f120ae049 and the 48c627cc7a man, who d1d0e06a7c was supposed 0adfa9c6fb to be 05d6829b33 returning home 9c0e7b0cf2 soon, suddenly 6c22250b58 came to 635ed20d46 the trailer 943d1e7cca where I 85f60546d1 was alone 6753b6caef and confessed 3b15472640 his feelings, 2c240d52f8 I felt e53a5aad31 like I eb45a6b1ce had hot 487fcb287b water poured 594d09aeb4 over my ce289a11e6 head. In the end, 223094f011 I coldly told dfc0f4f972 the man who d887817656 had blindsided me,9631384441e59991

“You must have misunderstood something. I’m not gay.”ba96c7b3b71ce0db

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I swallowed my beer 43b3eda689 and chewed on the 3dc8383241 peanuts that came as 4362bb30c5 a service. They tasted of bdd786fbc4 nothing, just fishy, 8d0e7c4693 perhaps because they 24aca8c694 were undercooked. I was running my c94da5146b finger down the surface e65630b7ed of the bottle, which 0664aa805a was covered in moisture, 7dcd87c8d6 and recalling what had 09c9b749fd happened back then.e4e41946de83507f

Where did it all go wrong…?a8f30f9dd39ab517

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“Are you waiting for someone?”2d382b4ba3489e38

I looked up. It was 17c9e23f36 the man ae965cd9aa I had fc3ac85ab8 made eye bfafc0dca6 contact with 31064c476f a little 5fa932d4f3 while ago. A black 091e73827c suit that 1f9e3b9dd6 hugged his 14bdf7d7aa body neatly, c2d2745fcc and on 57ac8ffcdb the end 7f6e2ff607 of his 73a0ef1f56 arm leaning a3b72fa781 against the 2b0dbed04a bar was 7648198a48 a four-thousand-dollar d3599ce693 Hamilton watch a66cb948f2 that I 2fbcdfe63c had seen 73c65d9085 in the c1de5d3f23 duty-free pamphlet 5bf0819a69 on the 7dd57028f7 plane. A handsome face and 6d8234c672 a sense of style c99833ce8d that matched his tie, 744905f69a shoes, and watch with 59eefe1b0a brands of similar name 30fa2dc0a6 value. An ego that 1379b79d4c believed investing in 5d115b5833 himself was the 2d2606a385 highest value.29f1fe52690b7a56

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In an instant, I read him. His sophistication was irritating. I didn’t particularly like the style of openly promoting himself. I preferred men who naturally exuded intelligence. Although I had never met such a man.9e9a324f61bcb6c1

I averted c982a7e977 my gaze 1bed61832e with a be1e3a0293 disinterested expression.0db85b27abdc4097

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“Not really.”a39ecd37b0357514

“Does that mean I can sit here?”d319fa8af3f3fad2

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“…”5b8dc8ad675b7df9

That wasn’t why I came here. I didn’t want to care whether he did or not, so I didn’t answer and turned my head forward. The black suited man smiled slightly and sat on the stool right next to me, ordering the same beer as me.3b81479e2932e047

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“Looks like you’ve been here for a while. Did you drink all this by yourself?”68be58dec2c87957

“Yes.”397ed8235c92d473

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“Are you a student?”9f34c770f46629ef

The black 4d89638d7b suited man 40f73c6372 took a 5f823e65d3 sip of e64200329a his beer 280036e387 and asked.5ec22702710a0adf

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“Yes.”831a75fd1fffd81b

I didn’t have the naivety to reveal my personal information in a place like this. I hated revealing my identity, so I deliberately went to another town far from where I lived. After mingling with a man I would never contact again and returning home in a car, feeling the hazy dawn air, I resolved never to do this again, and I would endure until masturbation was no longer enough, and when my mother fell asleep, I would quietly leave the trailer in the old Camry we shared. Desire would habitually come and mess me up.60c772e1e2e268e2

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“I’m a regular here, so I know, is this your first time here?”991282af8d92e762

“Yeah, whatever.”8a06840f52f567ea

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He seemed to think that my reluctant monosyllables were due to fear and naivety, wary of unfamiliar places and unfamiliar people. The black suit persistently threw questions at me without showing any displeasure. Yes, no. Yes, no. The conversation couldn’t continue like this. He stopped talking. An awkward silence flowed for a moment. The words that came out after that were completely unexpected.2dbd3051e8971032

“Want to get out of here?”a21bf4d90b15a5b8

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“…?”7998a93dd3b59382

Only then 8f91dfae7c did I 8585d5fef5 give the 814573c93d black suited ca814f5f2c man a 1e69da95dc proper look. He seemed embarrassed, as 92bd29c36e if my staring eyes 20ff8ef76b were asking what kind 74d801f5f5 of trick he was f9b8efe459 playing.0c163c3b844681c2

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“No, not in that sense, I mean let’s go somewhere quiet.”80689a38955617a2

“I’m not really interested.”001fd901da733edc

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“Not fond of me?”7f7cbadb3b2c2c71

“It’s not that, I just came out because I didn’t want to be alone.”56f05e4ed5ff2817

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“So I’ll be with you.”e17bf756e0a7bfd7

“…”b5fdfafb25c788fe

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“I’ll pay. Let’s go.”fe98b6c425f3812d

“…”8c8c5fd7e1181d8c

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I scolded myself for blurting out that I didn’t want to be alone after drinking a little, grabbed the field jacket I had placed on the stool next to me, and stood up.5f4b3ffec95f75ff

He paid. As I pushed open the glass door, the music faded heavily into the distance. The man, who had grabbed my wrist to stop me from heading to the stairs, gestured towards the elevator. I saw the elevator door painted in matte black. The walls were also painted in matte paint, so I didn’t even know there was an elevator.862517303529f076

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“People who come here for the first time get confused.”b1ab1de7c0e0148a

“…”5098fcababed37ef

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“What’s your name?”f5d8211cf8a25b03

“Why do you want to know my name?”bac4ad88434c747e

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He raised his eyebrows as if he didn’t quite understand what I was saying.cb3c6764108633fc

“What’s the point of knowing a name that you won’t even remember tomorrow morning? Let’s not ask each other about that kind of thing.”ed4b8c9bbe1e7349

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“…Ha.”411b98ad96ffb9d7

Rather than being funny, a slightly unpleasant look of hurt pride flashed across his face. The man didn’t ask any more about names. He didn’t say anything else and turned towards the elevator with his hands in his pockets.0252816b7f36a43b

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The door opened and 9e7b1a2399 spat out a few b1d6bba4d3 people. As they got c3da2fbbaa off and disappeared 719b7df676 towards the glass 70d8e6e7cf door, I got 8dbadfc203 on the elevator e5d4c8eaf0 with him. It was a cramped 302cbe9269 elevator that could barely d56fd9dbc9 fit four or five aeb02013d2 people. As I stood 4623e1ac97 with my back 70ccac1332 against the wall, 0ee2b01637 my shoulder bumped 04f5f1a4d4 against the black ea6358b414 suit.9958fe999a0b96d2

As soon as the elevator doors closed, something hot suddenly pressed down on my lips. I frowned. Hot, flushed lips forced mine open and aggressively pushed a tongue inside. As my lips parted, something slimy rushed in. The black suited man’s hand was painfully twisting my shoulder.afde82c882fb531c

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“Ugh…”6cd83504e0454dc6

My breathing became fae0a9ebb7 erratic. As soon as his d790ea69c7 lips left mine, I 4d12597364 twisted my body and 8679cf837d pushed his hand away.f635a5e2f0932856

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“What are you doing?”49dbf4a67fcb06a5

“Haa, do you know how fucking hot you look?”0840b29a21026d8d

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“Get your hands off me.”2a80d595edeb66c2

The hand gripping my shoulder didn’t let go. I struggled once. The man came at my lips again. I twisted my shoulder but didn’t turn my head. I left it as if abandoning myself to the lips that were painfully chewing and the tongue of a stranger that was poking around inside me. Our bodies bumped against each other in the narrow square box. When the elevator doors opened, the man fell away. I unpleasantly wiped my wet lips with the back of my hand, looked ahead, and flinched.6078446da6b9e3bc

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Someone was standing there.87073a40f64e27be

A tall, lanky man was looking inside with a blank expression. Our eyes met. I quickly averted my gaze in shame at having been caught showing something I didn’t want to show. After all, this was a place where only people who came with such thoughts entered. There was nothing to be ashamed of. I knew that, but my face flushed at the sight of the piercing gaze that stabbed me so clearly.9472836c3c317140

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“Let’s get off.”0b9f131f1587ad65

He grabbed my wrist da1e1cd801 and pulled me out. As we dd1d7e9950 got off, d1a2d9ebf3 the tall 87e1b59f0d man got 9d9cbd3f22 on the 018cfc4fb4 elevator and 8c7b400c9f disappeared.11b267a5eb821f04

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We came 955834d2a3 out of d72e7c9581 the building. The vibrant night 27d6b9a6d8 view of Itaewon cc9fa51f7b unfolded. It was more 2d970b6061 dazzling and complicated 5ce19ed0a7 than I had fd6dcaa10c expected. Cars were ea1eb1554c parked haphazardly, 839507ac36 and people 82560a51d8 were standing e9f9f5bda4 around in c36781beb5 groups of b2e7671b48 three or 5935328fa2 five. Black and white dc7820a8fc people were laughing 60c55f0d7d with beers in ab8b44bb3f their hands. They were flirting 00c9298dbf with women who 088e02ebac had their legs 0814cf5657 exposed in short 037440a4b4 bottoms, exhaling long, 49782b4205 white breaths. I scanned c9510512a3 the chaotic 2c515341f4 scenery of 3bfcd76813 the street.9940a3594a942d1f

“Want to go to my apartment?”2cfaeeaac1b213e0

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The man asked. As I straightened my disheveled clothes, I realized that my phone wasn’t in my pocket, so I twisted the wrist that the man was holding to free myself.30c2409fe69a0c80

“What’s wrong?”3227b38d3b5a05da

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“My phone is gone.”9343645f355fca77

“Did you leave it at the bar?”bc932f92c189b9c6

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“Lend me your phone.”4ab4897da1ff6574

He readily unlocked his 0fed5da6f6 phone and handed it b729b56561 over. My heart suddenly became c929f3ced9 anxious.7838eb0ae258bffb

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Imagining my 9db58bb79c stepfather or ac1bbed672 mother calling 8a6d1a5399 the lost db6be58b01 phone made a2d504b900 everything terrible. The name of the dc8d3b139c gay bar in Itaewon e48353ef15 might come out of 1488023b36 the mouth of the 488417e740 person who answered the 46343a3fee phone, and if that 9a2dd7fba7 became an excuse and 9ba53f3410 my stepfather found out 328d84742e that I was gay, 6340473df6 it would be like f91834004f setting fire to flammable 21837cab93 material.7e87f3173250f55f

My stepfather, who might be masturbating while thinking of my naked body, couldn’t bring himself to reveal such shameful lust. Both he and I knew that the fact that a man desired a man meant that there was a fundamental revulsion that ordinary people could not understand. I had to find it before my stepfather or mother called.5b9328134ee373f6

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I hurriedly dialed my phone number. It was a number I had opened after arriving in Korea, so it didn’t come to mind easily. I pressed and deleted the numbers, hesitating for a moment. The man with the Hamilton watch was watching me silently, waiting without urging me.43c85e1e4ed3898c

“Hello, yes, did you pick up a phone? I’m the owner of the phone. Where are you now? I’ll come pick it up.”15d98a2bcc5def6d

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The person who ec3b9a24f2 answered the phone 3ea9528813 was a man. The jazz I had 0172da3044 heard in the Trax 2c27ae8841 could be heard beyond 8369ec3460 his voice. I became anxious.647c84d79c562f09

“I’ll go down now. Yes. Would you do that? Thank you. Yes.”bcc312c73df345de

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It was a relief. The man who 88bda166a8 picked up the 409de4bcc5 phone said he 7cf704a837 would come out 3ed6d327e4 to the entrance. I returned the f582eeea5a phone to Hamilton.37f3d2974aa0acd2

“Since we’re people who won’t even remember each other’s names tomorrow morning anyway, is it okay if I leave my number?”36370eaf804bee64

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He asked as he dec2d4e12e took back his phone. I had 2538d3af8b just used e107096270 his phone 752a957581 to call 27843a9a3c my own. The number e1b5d5792f would be cc6e501182 left intact. I raised 4e9eb45e03 my eyes dc67a1893b to him.2078c8bcdac01769

“Find my phone and I’ll wait for you in the car.”2a73bfa8c3549f37

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He, who had been cleverly walking the line between sarcasm and playfulness, took out the car keys from his pocket and walked towards the parking lot. I went back inside the building. I waited for the elevator to come up. The door painted in black paint didn’t even have a button to indicate the number or a light to indicate up or down. I could tell that the elevator was moving by the sound of the rails turning. Soon, the door opened.8732f0639e00d25c

“…”0a9d25cbc73ce521

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This was a disaster. It was the man I had met in front of the elevator a little while ago. The tall man looked surprised to see me. He took out his phone from his pocket and handed it over silently. His meaningful eyes stared intently at my face. I didn’t know where to look, so I couldn’t bring myself to look at him and lowered my gaze as I took back my phone.961375ebf62e4f05

“…Thank you.”3c1c010e243108b1

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I barely managed 8da479f5fb to say hello, dae7371e5b and when I c69a6f442f looked up, the df47dad4eb man, who had cd46eba3ab been hesitating about 394deed8fc something, opened his 9b6b25e08b mouth.ce932cc45933b47c

“Excuse me.”e5e3dc1e6c45cc30

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“…Yes?”15ff90470f43a039

Before he could say d311932592 anything, the elevator doors e5af49abe9 closed. Ah, we both 316185dde5 paused, but the 0b6e2c71b1 elevator completely closed 457486c64c its doors and 3a3c731295 descended. I held 0b873494b6 the phone 93f6ed26c6 he had ec3f504b01 handed me c4de701871 in my 0f260e0dc7 hand and 1f2a14b1af looked down f32531feb9 at it 3440c7da20 silently.36c34c7123882e35

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“Yes. In the elevator. No. I’ll go up.”bb523ab6693a2d7d

A low eaaf75b8d3 voice that 4436d0d277 made one fb26f3b5b3 side of df9653c459 my chest 1c34603a78 sink.812aea319c888a98

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I didn’t know if it was because of the voice or if my heart was pounding because I was simply recalling the voice of the man who had witnessed my shame. The voice with a tone that was low enough to be confusing and the man’s expression remained vividly in my mind.6a0544bf74102212

What was he 4dc51bbb10 trying to say?431050a8fad55281

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“…”b0660c94cb72024a

He was someone I would never meet again anyway. Moreover, I didn’t have the mental space to meet a man right now.16fa758a46e4e40c

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