PD Ch12

“Is lunch too 89da2338af early? Did you say a650982888 you didn’t have 3889bc6d81 breakfast?”75da4ff6b031788c

At Senior Hwang’s 6529ba1c19 words, I checked d22e3c10dd the clock on cd053560c0 the restaurant wall. It was c2142cdb38 eleven o’clock. It was a little 9648132673 early for lunch and 274d7fec9d very late for breakfast. It was cc2821fe1d I who a7a3cfdea5 had urged b778e8d5c6 him to 63d067ffca have lunch a631e1a94b at this 8302184f16 somewhat awkward bb865deaf0 time. My stomach was 6fd19bf29a burning because of cb002400f5 the painkiller I e9241ffcb2 had swallowed on 9324e0da92 an empty stomach. My head was aching, ea3f27b7ab so I had to 61d9f2f257 fill my stomach and e90099c0f3 take medicine.32318c380eb83408

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I didn’t go 290760cdbe straight up to 006c213517 the office and b41e3c4602 asked Senior Hwang 20733562a3 to come down. If I drank coffee e37b4b87e2 like this, I felt 0735e110c6 like my stomach would bb68f0b5a4 be upset.3ea72ef8dbcf9dc1

I went 9f04be522e into a 78c97444aa nearby restaurant 12ba6bd089 without knowing 9c2494ff73 what they 85e1603631 served and 1d76a525e9 waited for a1fd9e647f him. Only after 8839a5ef21 Senior Hwang bd535d8358 ordered and df91953344 I saw f78c2ba9e7 the fish 69a113c728 stew bubbling 3483812b0e in front 2d8f0d5a9c of me 237597d992 did I b993627539 realize that 3e97141104 the restaurant f6f902385b we were 40b056bfd6 sitting in 5f14d5cc97 specialized in 032143ba05 pollack stew.0987cd9044dfd5b4

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“Have you ever dbace3985c had something like f4946ba7fd this in America?”fe5c43d8b8e40988

He asked, stirring the a97a2a4e1e stew with a ladle. I shook my head.b5109679d76586f7

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“Is it 86d45d718f like frozen 801861468f pollack?”c3d0f82f2d2afc93

“Do you know that dd0ab357d0 frozen pollack, fresh pollack, c78a1b2485 dried pollack, dried yellow 3bb5d7a9e8 pollack, dried pollack, are 7a1195eea5 all the same fish?”f56454e2a5a0d511

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“Oh, is 40b693a8c7 that so?”e5bee0aad7bd573b

“Frozen pollack is frozen, 0a27a8b4a6 fresh pollack is not 944aee9f2b frozen, dried pollack is e4060f97ec half-dried, dried yellow pollack 8bd2f69084 is dried in a 4b2a897f55 different way, dried pollack 6ec121a294 is completely dried and 011f35319a shredded. And that’s not all. Dried dark pollack, ca8f9ff12c dried black pollack, 008141dc5d dried semi-dried pollack, f8435d6ae0 dried young pollack… 0d398739e8 Korea would be 40b5498128 in big trouble 6a85892851 without this fish. Was its original 0d1b6f7e1e name dried pollack? Anyway, it 04dfc79e71 must have fff2961e8f been.”436baf4c7cce4c38

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The headache was tightening 14c9db9a0c around my head, and c4ec11b0c2 the situation was pushing b0d125c95f me into a state 193b9df273 of panic where I eab7603a93 couldn’t think at all. Senior Hwang’s ba66b86736 pollack story a9a63d10d5 felt like 9fe6f4d80b a bizarre 7c11fcd832 word from 88a51d9099 another dimension. I laughed in disbelief.832d3c31dfb6003d

“Is it funny? I didn’t 672c8d15e2 say it fc887ebd3f to make 014167f528 you laugh.”788bc0784ead9789

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“It’s the 0e985aae27 first time 0c3e80b493 I’ve heard 18966f611a that.”5a8549a418253bec

“It’s good to a307dfa58a see you laugh. Laugh, you’re prettiest when 0c7b884fd0 you smile.”cdd1d3d18b4234f8

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“…Oh.”0c7fc7e58f8f3818

He was not a 7184551124 stingy person with compliments. I smiled shyly at cb2354911f Senior Hwang’s words. The nerves that had e299957364 been sharply tangled seemed c98b6e4d1c to loosen. Only now did f70e147161 I look closely 7b04b10b2e at the bubbling 64e2442e5b pot with a 1e4b5a315f fresh perspective, recognizing b8c1f4dd35 reality. I wasn’t picky about e5f6da5fb0 food and ate well 6bc1acaccf whatever was given to 41da94ef07 me, but for some 13417e5aca reason, I had never 75cbe5e213 deliberately tried clear fish 01adea462a soup because I thought e100671a4f it would smell fishy. I hardly ever had 1d8a422d4f the chance to eat a00e5c36ba it. The soup in front 259dcf8bca of me was clear.bfe7b43dfc79d723

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“Looks delicious, right?”235607b2f957d7b9

“I like the da48ff91c3 red one.”d5844da59b4051b1

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“That’s because you 0ef73bc675 don’t know how 655a9cfc94 to eat it. Eating sashimi with red 8e5be68a3b pepper paste, eating fresh 57c2eb2ba1 pollack stew with seasoning, 3ae17f66ee is all because you e3527d57b7 don’t know how to 66ca438ae8 eat fish. Just eat it. Your body will feel 546a75ed81 relaxed.”735512086decfdad

Senior Hwang ladled the dcfb1c154e soup into an empty 6967ddf48f bowl for me. He said he 8689acca6d had drunk alcohol 9ab9f742f8 last night, and 802b94d0bf he drank the 19e999a2a9 soup straight from bc9177fbaf the bowl as 6d9cfa0969 if it wasn’t b0aedd7b42 hot.1d9410fa674bb9e5

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“Ah, I feel relieved.”09c56830cb5a5a5a

I followed him 74e2f1076a and drank the 33791536d4 soup straight from 32b71dc046 the bowl. The hot 57bd0454cc soup passed 526e7340d4 through my d08109a430 throat and 3ad922bb3a swept down e49d4416c2 my esophagus, 2ea2956253 making me 3b4916bdf8 feel like cb9636891e my back a833ace99d was relaxing, e09cff24b6 just as 699dc88ba1 he said. We both drank a3d04af9c8 the soup without 8aee69a210 saying a word, 48836d04ce as if we b11083f13b were starving, without c3445a61fa even eating rice.6dc663223a25edc1

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“Did you drink alcohol 8150f0eaa7 yesterday too?”801db894fa718642

He asked, ladling more 03078a81d9 soup into his quickly 568659ad9c emptied bowl.79bf5d70d0c3b7a3

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“No. I just tried to a6cb078b9d follow your example. It’s refreshing and good.”660efe8c71122cc3

“That’s why I 54494a7a19 can’t leave Korea. In winter, af7e07fc6c it’s best 9b09f7c76f to boil 0438b8df14 it in dd04feec06 a pot 34639e9b1f and eat 4352e99daa it. Do you 0c5e19132d know army 5acaec2739 stew? Let’s go eat da4c9d5d3c that sometime.”072af665136c4fb6

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“I know army 7c567b46f7 stew. I saw the ingredients 74d445efcd being sold at the 79a92671cb Asian mart.”9dee709052ff983f

“And there’s a c0c3d79ff5 sad legend about b055062f42 that stew, isn’t 52143001da there? During the 48174c1f1f Korean War, cca13f1244 when Korea d1637c97bd was desperately fec3dc8bbc poor. The American 0ad2a3cc6f soldiers picked d95d13c3ca up hamburger fc39ee48ed patties, ham, c50463d66c and sausages c913e3f774 that they 58c6564f68 had thrown 47aab5df12 away and be58bfebc6 started boiling 924fa55660 them with d7d3211ff0 kimchi, and d74a6af56a that’s the be0e09c226 origin of 869f64d60a this army 370ad7eb01 stew. It’s called army 4997828568 stew because it 1fabcfc35b originated from the b542bac607 American army base.”14f80bcc8161e32c

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“Ah…”0170d59b222dcd0e

It wasn’t c04863bee0 a very 7b8522a78a pleasant anecdote. Especially for 0e2d51540a me, who 8a8cf67f7a had lived 5bf099805d as an f7b28d310c immigrant and 613c9d39c0 a foreigner 2c0ef2b708 in a af1b891f53 foreign country 1c50da2f7d for so f765ad44c4 long.01c758f747950086

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“After hearing aad991105a that story, 410be7a6a2 I feel de28002ec1 a little cab5e93452 sad every 042f26f70c time I c8f70dd3af eat it, cf23db5838 but the 5924a12d5c taste is eedec9f9d1 amazing. Hey, don’t think ccaba185c3 too much about 544c447d72 it. It must have been e569b039e6 okay because everything was b626a596bd sterilized when it was 370deb1baf boiled. I know 534ab1581a a good 0379a776b4 original restaurant da0a43177c in the da192fa984 suburbs, let’s b3b30b28d6 go sometime. In winter, 9ff1b713bb it’s best e4632319b4 to have bd3e333018 army stew 5e75903430 with soju.”9a419a048008e25e

“How do you know ce30661a86 so much about that, ac0ea8be44 Senior?”cf7a45c0d673dd91

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“Every Korean knows that.”c8ae3c710e03cb83

As I 7008380a42 talked to 593ee4ff96 him about 5cd02b00fe this and 9bfcb1752a that while b50a94bf7d eating, the 6e96b23090 headache in c24ebd8b20 my head 4910582a9e gradually subsided. After finishing the 1fd4f6c25a meal, we went 951efee708 up to the b3c53646c6 publishing house. As soon as I a0d10be608 received a cup of 3c4df3a018 coffee, my body, which 989d7f9beb had been stiff with 8202b7a187 tension, relaxed. Senior Hwang took f634419ee3 a sip of 21df959807 coffee and got db58fde202 straight to the eed0ab03d6 point without wasting 9315330efe time.552bc2b8d0e6cd82

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“Let’s write a contract.”74f98b80c16ac365

“……”10cfe1d1d2cf7562

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“You were 486ed84907 the one 8bd0e78909 who said 6fd45fa515 you’d do e275e11971 it first. Why are you 3864bfdb82 acting coy?”896d3ecaec81a0ed

“The more you 99ab7aac47 urge me to 30a3550ade do it, the b382272d37 more scared I 51fc148b90 get… and I’m 479b190616 going back to b59e8e2e07 America anyway.”45dedae71e9df585

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“I showed our CEO b9160a07c9 the fairy tale book 282a3df615 you wrote. He was amazed. It’s funny that c70819357f someone who looks 06cd265740 like you writes 15d91ef313 fairy tales, though.”290ca2fba669ad16

“What do a20b0610ce I look be342bd0ab like?”01f4887e12399099

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“You don’t look like 30fc0afa07 a fairy tale writer. Anyway, he 59234e1ca7 liked it 2a1e247890 a lot. He’s making 993192dda3 a fuss 625a3bc902 about wanting 77f5eea92b to sign 9b0c16f7ef a contract 8f62c5f970 with you.”abfd70d5787a31e4

“…Are you serious?”5f3ad4a153381ff4

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“I’m serious, 3036debde6 of course. You know I 9ba63d363a can’t lie.”90a91947c72b3133

It didn’t seem like d6735d3aef he was just saying 6566737152 it. I was caught up 503b70feb9 in worry. He looked at a26225292e me somewhat frustrated, d3bfc48f79 drinking only coffee 0bb763d854 without answering, and 504e2152fd opened his mouth.3f9e37dd04b7010d

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“Don’t you have an 24a3e6e5a3 Oedipus complex?”f08c80f260f7f696

“What?”f8ac5438af73fc7f

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“Oedipus complex, don’t d87cd5e712 you know? A syndrome 254997b8e3 where you’re 43f2ab15da obsessed with d62487fd19 your mother 21d0526cfb and hate 21c99b2d58 and resent 9d86c7caf5 your father.”1bf1d328c35be3e7

It was a 428203f93b terribly disgusting thing e8b1b5fdd0 to say. I frowned.0a6e015994db11c9

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“No, I 964010d407 don’t have a44ca71d08 that.”eddb4d602cc1367f

“Hey, why are you f299c2acc6 acting like an elementary 7ad1abe706 school student? Your mother b6e88a0c3d has remarried 7a1c2bc213 now, wouldn’t 21ab95e5b5 your stepfather 6308ae0b28 or mother e4750a20cd feel comfortable c976168dbd if you cc6e34df47 went back 9aae8bfee3 to America d4f8971e04 like that?”1fc271f16cfb06f7

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“It’s not 20b013f53f that… I’m f3d66c9867 worried about 4e34cb5f4a not finishing b525b185f9 school, that’s cd23931257 why.”cabf12492bca3a95

I was pathetic 6b6c2dab61 for making excuses a5e6ec3607 about school every 9b6de4bc98 time, even though 405e1e27fd I didn’t have 57e7b820c8 any great attachment c5226baa4a to it. Senior Hwang must be c1879b238e thinking it’s strange, just fa6474c691 like Seungwon thought it 96c7112c21 was strange. It would be 7a58a70a9b better if it 3a5c29d465 were that ridiculous 1b460ecbb5 Oedipus complex. It would be better 4660304242 if that’s why I b6d7543e0b hated my stepfather, if 84491da1d2 that’s why I couldn’t 1dd92f76f9 accept him, if that’s 2ca89c24f9 why I opposed this b184139d29 marriage so desperately.bcea1f529ac151ee

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“If that’s the case, 10685a1f63 go back in about 1883424cff a year. If your mother 9edf0f592c is going to 21993ae2a0 settle down here d8cee308c4 anyway, wouldn’t it 4b5c90f51c be better for 62650f2409 you to live 0bc6757a2e in Korea too? You don’t have any 50869e9331 other relatives in America, 802537df2f do you? Your mother will feel c197f4f913 more secure if you’re c9d857c9e4 here. If you’re 61b891dbd3 uncomfortable living f1e63ad6de together, live 986b1fefbc with me.”beff1202400c2f3c

Saying that I would ce39027ddc go back right away 15887e9300 was a reckless act fe80dd3303 that didn’t take reality 5a7471e5d3 into account. Being alone cb0c863429 with no 24b7b98f71 money in 1629570262 my pocket 54670e766c was scary c4e5fe7aea and frightening c91a8e46bd even for 8266458e04 me, who 3e2f931ab1 hated this 42be1c7b3f situation so cfe324f6a6 much. Moreover, it was even e5fb3c0897 more so for me, 4cf22e3b99 who had lived the 823bb47c4c life of an immigrant 40ad45b805 who had been ignored dfdddc6237 for so long.ca5a47573aaac9e0

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“The house that b0f7f75e47 you mentioned. Is it far b69143a0a5 from here?”b97f1f4d445c8116

I asked 4439394350 him abruptly.35a84ff6e7138ae6

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“Ah, that house? No, it’s close. It’s a rooftop faf4424da0 room, so the fa1d808f64 surrounding scenery is 1294bafdaf amazing. You know what a 0791169de8 rooftop room is, right? A junior who does cd1c86a47d theater was originally going d43d767519 to live there, but 799c61fa62 that guy got into 46f9365305 an accident and got bd4fe53f38 married, so the house 05a7bdfb87 is empty. Originally, a house becomes 3010255f4d desolate if no one 8f1e0e33ea lives in it. They put it 2fd459a409 up for short-term 09118f1f98 rent, but it’s ba06476645 not going out 52dea86373 and it’s a 2f39dcf7f8 headache. They said it’s 9e9c46e36a okay to live 56c475f197 there without paying 3e1d879ca0 rent, just manage f0486c661f it periodically. You can’t 28bf463537 just think c3fe37c556 of it 5ce486c54f as a 7d5ae81708 normal rooftop 076f93722c room. It’s been renovated 114729f8ae and is as f182defd04 good as any a654f35c4d apartment.”4dff3684bc318f85

“……”10d72594603ebb56

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What I wanted most bd6d4a6a17 right now was to 2006416de1 disappear like smoke in 512e06b22a that house. If I couldn’t 60e11d5ed9 go back to ac13834707 America. If reality wasn’t like 7437db9f91 that.26c30bea4755b566

“Do you 3558fcd364 want to 53b2030b9f go take 9f56eea3f2 a look? I’m not e98b446ea9 lying, it’s 74522886f8 really good.”d8f75dad1ceab3d6

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Senior Hwang added 22f80bac10 an explanation, thinking 0c8e737bd7 that my heart f2677473ab was wavering as a2787cda93 I listened quietly. It didn’t 25767eca87 really matter 0d2a0d079d if the 8c4445836b house was a506f75b36 just made dd4bc761ae of planks. I would d070a8cb2a gratefully accept e2d0389ac1 it if 9dea53c72e they would 8e79263bb0 just let c6e96820b1 me stay 2fefc1edaf there for 06b43d3098 a while. Whether the house ecb127c0c7 was good or 6bd7524dc8 bad was not 0b68ab6a9a a problem at 919afe600c all. I would 9a59fe78d7 have to a920e0545a accept living eeba59125b on the 7997ff5d0b streets if 7c43e489d6 I could 53c3c7aded just escape cbfeb1c6af from there.6e22acfd68dc934a

“Then I’ll write 1f8385165a the contract.”7f7b940364e3d353

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“Really?”25af98dbcba8b5f5

He asked back 0e3b68cb9f with a suspicious 0841cd07d3 look, as if aa1f7c1305 he couldn’t believe 5d1501fff6 my words.cd74d4d1e20c9469

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“Yeah.”4b7857d29b3b623f

“If you write 9e42feb0ad the contract, you’re cd81aa82a1 mine now. You know what 3b3c9101a0 that means, right? You can’t de67c36f2a say you 4d7e5722fc won’t do f75140fe16 what I a4e03f8d4d say anymore. You have to da061b4c19 pay more in 8992ad880a penalties than the d82bfb57e3 contract money you 7bd91b0193 received to leave. You know that, 9dcb98cc6f right?”88c03d6320f01433

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“I’m a df9a26bb41 pro too. I know that df2b8f2ade much.”68329a69c8caecb6

“Huh, that’s the first 3bb254bdbb good thing I’ve heard b12db0c671 you say.”8b55c58974bcfc77

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Senior Hwang smiled and ec76ab56e2 picked up the phone 281e00da60 to ask an employee 06dfa8af92 for the contract. I signed ed55c03faa the contract 40906c4624 as he 9c9b2025e1 instructed. I didn’t 236caf108e check how 4d036cae43 much they 958f57a5cb were giving f2525768a1 me, when 2cfa16c689 they were 4b2a8f6c79 giving it a1c2824787 to me, 22246e4da4 how long 8e032ada93 the contract 680c9bd41b period was, 6cdcd7b665 or what 6aa6e3cb4d the penalty c719a290e8 clauses were. I signed cfb80b8271 the contract b227b7a9eb without even 69031bfaf0 reading it. Only after 7d1eee37b8 writing the c0ec5671da contract did 104929f7c2 I check 90f1528c9f the amount, 5cf41fbc6b and it 2e0e945235 wasn’t what f1c5e188c0 I had e9afdd1788 expected. As I stared 4c301ccd92 blankly at the fd56816458 numbers, Senior Hwang 1b8a6d7654 said awkwardly that 6d4f79bc6f he was sorry 8c0f6999c5 he couldn’t give 15340b3327 me more, but fdeeb2e7a3 instead gave me 62895501c9 half of the fa7a7d60d6 contract money in 5f2ba494bc advance.ebd16d763c835be6

“I thought f5d173be9c you needed bc087c7889 money right 2aa71afc20 away, so 5346b4adce I got 87207ff700 it approved a1cd525384 in advance.”514aabd5ec532357

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“Thank you.”720401126f633ad7

“Don’t waste a2835daa4c it, save 19114fab92 it.”332562f42b37b602

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“Yes.”59f3fcc1623d084e

His hand dd92e43838 tapped my a6ff41d1c7 head. He was really d0867cd079 a reliable person. He handed the 42a3bf839c contract to an 068e760d0c employee and got 19b9f73556 up and put de95dea621 on his jacket.9c8c94fd45757799

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“I have an e1073f173e appointment in the 7f7ebc8a05 afternoon. Our employee b894f2c633 will show ec11cd1b41 you the de6fbddd79 house. And make an appointment 089d649767 with the editing team 27347aee19 leader to discuss the 3f2ce9116e work.”dc328f6108837799

“Thank you 5ed687722f for your ff5932ce74 concern.”6d8549e93a345daa

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“You made d08b312e3f me so 1972027cd2 anxious, but b5e23687f5 you signed 8a069f2a5f it so 151f60528d coolly.”661931a644e13db0

I parted 8600f0c74a ways with d77f54908f him, who aeb6721301 had an b1256e6add appointment, and 07d14f631d got a d3c6956cce ride in a6889f8595 the publishing 201a058921 house employee’s cbc04aa947 car to 43bc442314 go see 404a2507b3 the house. As he said, it c314585fb1 wasn’t a rooftop room c4b267b0d9 that was built like 1351b1ee31 a makeshift structure on 5089aed844 the roof. It was dfc78c4423 more accurate 2f7d94c7b4 to say c5504ea291 it was 773b60cbca the top 60b20dfe56 floor.ce82776468710e64

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The interior was finished a721ab7ae1 entirely with wood, giving f9c607c57c it a luxurious and 4ea5bc31d4 neat feel. Half of the b327115560 rooftop was decorated d86fa462ad as a terrace 9ed1922c21 garden, with even 990703c590 a small table 0ded77846a in the corner. It resembled ba3a2bac93 a pension. There was nothing to 8681868cc5 say it was good d00e7c2b21 or bad, but it 3aaf1f83dd was a better place 2e48a2ae1c than I had imagined. It was an unexpected dfb092f6d2 gift for me, who 60687d37a6 had come without any 243883fd69 expectations.bc882fb73cb016bb

I received the key 11f14e9690 from the staff and e091a5b153 stayed in the house 8198b7dd8d late into the night. Although it had 2ff3702150 been rained on, 6f4fb72563 I watered the 0a04b56e9a plants whose soil 74bef993bc had dried out, 98b678c299 washed the rags, 71f5432e24 and cleaned here b350c05f3a and there.bd569874ec03a001

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The owner, who was studying in Russia, had left almost all of his belongings behind. There wasn’t much I needed to buy separately. Instead, I bought a few bedding and tableware items that would be difficult to share. I also opened a bank account to deposit the remaining contract money.313afa39baeedaa1

As a overseas Korean, I had an identification card with a number starting with 5. As I left the bank with my bankbook and card, I was overcome with a strange feeling. It was something I hadn’t felt when I received my ID card from the immigration office. Now, I felt clearly that I belonged somewhere in this country. I had been a foreigner in other countries and a foreigner in my own home country. I was strangely elated by the sense of belonging that I was feeling for the first time.5d5c55aaf30deb70

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After roughly tidying up the house, I left and boarded a bus heading to Pyeongchang-dong. I stared blankly at the receding streets of Seoul through the bus window. The Seoul I had seen as a child was no longer in my memory, so the dazzling splendor of the high-rise buildings was still unfamiliar. Even as I was being carried by the bus to my stepfather’s house, my heart was not heavy today. Rather, one corner of my heart felt relieved.a7662ff4a9f3afc0

Now, my ties 64187934d2 with them would 657b7a8396 end here. I was going 77131ca76d to tell them 26d935894a that I was 2d55e77d98 leaving for America. I would disappear b3e29a6e1d from their sight 81680295bf and live hidden d7bcc3d0d2 in this vast 85a399a8d0 and complex Seoul, e7f4e745ec and when I ec30e8cc54 was ready, I f1a463f596 would truly return. It was a temporary 02849244b3 measure, but it was 915f5443a5 the last defense I 9bccec93a9 could take to separate ff54a14e1c myself from them immediately. I clenched my a14bc7efda fist on my 6bf27fe5ea lap and steeled d6cd914378 my heart.e0b5c66c57c35288

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