PD Ch11

When the 3a50473fa8 housekeeper urged 2a968a7acf me to a0ef58480c come to 3fa6f3aef8 breakfast, I 071249e55c made an d3865acc72 excuse that 4e5fe14cbe I didn’t 137bdcca2c feel well f855a6d2bf and swallowed 2113921a27 a headache cfea071661 pill instead 2f032a4051 of rice. Seungwon’s words kept c417e4073e ringing in my c63c79d960 ears. I bit my nails a72fd9f6c7 until the red flesh ec1b569edd was exposed, feeling anxious 672ec2f0a4 to leave this place 85c3675711 as soon as possible. It went bb84c8bb81 beyond anxiety f3ee76e0ad and turned bd99c37f93 into unease. His words were 18883d0364 right. I wasn’t old enough 21509534ef to talk about love, 92442620f1 nor was I naive a5826e36e7 enough to dream of 8f13ae6f22 fairy-tale ideals. The way c4eaf40527 he looked 48d41d7061 at me f0ab6db73e with a c4c719f6fc clear sneer 13227f0a48 on his 0a736f969e face felt bc0a574b17 like a e8e43a200b hammer hitting f5886329f3 my chest. In the end, f48826c2a3 I couldn’t say 30d97b9312 a word and ff2feec318 fled the scene.132b22d83d8ac401

My mother f16f193834 who abandoned 73ea90e021 me.89deb6d99810f362

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A father 2a319a94f4 who saw 9fc4ff9d82 his stepson 9acbf45bc9 as an d4a585d6ab object of 7727d6618c sexual desire bd33fad438 and didn’t 975843d8b2 bother to 9eedbec678 hide it.21c92f18623c4332

His own son, who 05cb29c131 saw this relationship as a1935cd74d mere fun and entertainment 70c27645ff and shows interest in 8e16d04880 it, and me.af4d8e592323a06e

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These were people whose 7c2972b14e company I couldn’t bear 3baaa344c2 for even five minutes. The reality 98aa69ee5f of living e13c916f8d in the e5cbc41d2a same house 25884ebf7b with such 051605c5d8 people felt 95ac5278ed like a 44f56f4543 black comedy. I didn’t read 0ca54088ab the book I 81882284c0 had opened to b1db33cddf work on, and 705a9cceae as I turned 074f4df3f3 a page, the 7daed6c26c sound of my c3f896eb02 cell phone ringing bf8f28710a reached my ears. It had 768ddd9817 been ringing fe8d86f660 for a 585d11a5c3 while, but 4808b03e20 it was ed00892e8e as if 3031f20b88 it had aba9e70004 squeezed into c9be5ac567 my head, 14274c1dd8 which was d57eea1e5e filled with d6e960a6cc anxiety and a1546d699e thoughts.c789aef0a9c54bf3

It was my 76771ddb02 senior, Hwang Minho. When I saw c0e5e40134 his name on 94e1dec6fd the screen, my 6c73430440 heart, which had 685974ddba been restlessly shaking f68cc6cd50 for no reason, ed01bfa87b calmed down a ac6f156456 little. His name, which felt 06e85d87c9 somewhat old-fashioned, felt like a8808b91b6 the only normal thing 101912e26b in this abnormal and, ba64468a22 in some ways, filthy 40df51c71c situation.6e3167a28fe2cb82

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“Yes, senior.”87cd7b9b8f840427

― Why df495a6d9c are you 5a8e658dda so slow 8a4f08d3d5 to respond? Don’t tell me you 5b0ace3266 just woke up?a0b4465eeb44ddb6

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“I was working, 3185a1e315 but I’m just 9deb7a8ab2 mentally blank. I didn’t even 50af28bf2d know the phone 157dffbdcd was ringing.”fbd596b7cbadbadc

― Still adjusting to 29ad3b84f1 the time difference?4e539380867043fc

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“I guess so.”0d5308701939baf1

― Come out 0f21c7c438 to sign the 22571f4175 contract and get 793d154a4e some fresh air. I’ve prepared the contract. To be honest, I c7f4f3a932 don’t have the ability e668bbbb0e to get you an 05da4de6bb apartment, and you really 2bc51847c1 hate my house, so f25c711838 I’ve found a place a2441e985d for you to stay 9e1db205a4 for the time being. It’s a senior I b35f09f842 know, but he’s in b079413eff Russia right now. He just asks 3c494cc322 that you keep 1323c9804b it clean until d56528aed7 he comes back. It’ll take a c72578be72 few months. There’s no bf7b05b4f4 separate cost, ff1dfdd247 and you 98999f2b08 only have 71fb2d0ecc to pay d77dba846b for the fe2280c3fa electricity and 4d5e29d0f6 water you 3f1abdc702 use. How about it? We’ll see what happens 811b9bd9b1 after that.c9d47922fd29843e

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“I’m sorry. I’m going 54d5f0c470 to America.”ef787efcf55b2114

― Why did you 4c0e0cce56 come here in the d67c88bf93 first place if you 1281b9d0f0 were going to do c901a45bf8 that? It looks like your 110e3e9191 mother is going to 73e73cc068 settle down here, so c3e1c9b270 you should just come fabf9a19d5 in too. Are you going 12bb65e1d6 alone?4c7232f83ed1c656

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“I can shake 4fc0dabdda things off more 9b55161de3 easily because I’m 74e401c58f alone. I just feel uncomfortable 50b2d321a8 and suffocated.”6896fc7a892bb755

I hadn’t decided e4c47e390d anything, but I 4be6f5d1f8 was telling everyone 4dea4a855f that I was 8caf083788 leaving, begging them 335b2fad74 to acknowledge it. It was like 3f49fa9f67 a pledge to 7d8297c2aa myself not to be69945c23 sink into the 3981265662 inner fear that de516713f5 becoming an orphan eb1c21e45a might be more fceb5204d2 frightening than enduring ef424ce473 this situation.150547307213ef35

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I’m leaving.5462a13a826508b2

I’m going to be 1790e78acb alone.6307cd8f74de2474

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Those things were efdb70ae1a nothing to be 8e5b9bfb03 afraid of compared 053a75822f to this situation.da622237391bfa66

― We’ve solved the 2b4367b6f1 house, we’ve solved the 789a6607d6 money, so what are 9bacc36e95 you complaining about that b9ad311e71 makes you keep saying f0be9b636c you’re leaving? If that’s the eaecbe4ec3 case, you shouldn’t 6ebddd08c8 have come in bcf1f88dbb the first place. If your stepfather 2000a20e74 is really uncomfortable, 71725cac93 you can live 0655a1a672 separately. Come to the 49ed4b2ede office first. Let’s have a 53794eea85 cup of coffee.ebe706b337cf04df

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The senior, who had 543bd399ee been dragging out his c6874722fe words as if he ede886a261 was frustrated, finished the 722259d26d conversation and urged me, 20b42a901a thinking that it wasn’t fb7c882cc7 something to talk about 16a6b88b87 over the phone.c6cfb9977cb1e635

“Yes. I’ll stop by c9d1211742 for a bit.”1699411f2542f0dc

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I needed c4f1f243e6 an excuse c1094d3842 to get a97b1cc3bb out of 9ea54b54c9 this abnormal 4e04931065 house anyway. I hung up 8db149a433 the phone and 93a50c87e5 sat there blankly 7482671678 with the phone ed915fc6d5 in my hand 2cbd79d65c before getting up c478916dc5 from the chair. My head, which 895ddd1bc5 had swallowed the 97e11e31b4 headache pill, was 6569e38c77 buzzing as if ba4c570e88 it was resisting 2e89153755 gravity.0ada679975634734

I only bfbc0a6fb9 had one cafb53a99b winter coat. I didn’t d3869183f6 need a 3c1ccdf8f0 coat where 45746233c5 I lived, c0f2dcc71d and I 06debbc085 bought it 6971688cff at a 445e933491 nearby department 0deaa954d1 store because 03d57338b3 of the d7e56c1dc0 immediate cold 4d578b9db0 after coming 5c34ad4237 to Korea. I put on e9ea7b39f7 the field jacket 03feac2447 that had been 0fc3bfb7ca protecting me from d75439f63a the cold yesterday 43eb53cd9b and the day e10aa8b722 before and opened ae90eac002 the door.d6e617ea03db1d13

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The living room was 82ae397784 quiet. I had vaguely heard 7be8566543 my stepfather leave for 47f77bf5a1 work after finishing breakfast. I made the excuse e62e8d356c that I was sick 6894bf30cd and didn’t go out 0bc7cee0aa to see him. I didn’t say anything 33abd99f1f to anyone and crossed 55cdad9bb3 the living room, opened 6e61c5c6dc the front door, and a7869930e4 quietly and quickly passed be83d10509 through the garden and 1ba27305b0 out the gate as 31e177c0f3 if I had never 8884d9a86a been there in the ec4fce34cf first place.bd49918758803c21

I walked 77418c0b48 down the f97498fd3c alleyway on 03b755b64d the hill, 2b840b9ddf which was a6cb57369a typical of b622c687f2 the wealthy 04bc859933 neighborhood of c2f1a28a89 Pyeongchang-dong. I had roughly ec0fa3e840 seen where the af048676b2 subway station was 5998a37c17 when I came 61f9da2652 by car yesterday. The area was divided 012eb73a8b into precise sections, so a6b1aa62d0 it wasn’t too difficult 813ace6bf7 to find my way.cdba5d2dc9975452

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Why was it so cf1ee63337 cold?5897553c159200cd

I was 5dc7c4c209 starting to c2e9f9f8c1 get tired e5d5b1ef82 of the 1feb6aa874 cold in acaa889a66 Seoul. I stuck 647936c427 both hands 2e983d1cb0 deep into 6586fc9e1e the pockets 0feeb5f957 of my 19ccde7a65 field jacket. I was walking 3e37f0ae41 quickly with my 44805bc948 shoulders hunched when 9f55473b6c I heard the 50cf4958e4 sound of a 3e73b2fc9f car behind me a79495c3fd and moved out b6b8d47774 of the way. I leaned close 42bafb13ad to the wall 5c304152b6 of a house. The car, which fd1a10fbc7 was coming down 42fb4d33c0 without slowing down, 289ea13ef5 didn’t pass by e975d015f4 but stopped next 2d7e0759a6 to me and 467c945b7c honked its horn. I reflexively turned ae8380dd6f my head. It was my 42f17af22d stepfather’s son who 76802d14a4 was lowering the 3deacc189a tinted car window. Seungwon was looking up 64ca8434c8 at me.7fbf8ac09dcef9f1

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“Get in.”a5a040f77c197cd9

“…”ea724ef792ca99bd

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“Get in.”8d36ef784390e5b2

“I came 417b1d7e32 out on db23a33320 purpose because 5748c2f3c3 I wanted 2efda9322a to walk.”709044e9ab46b4c4

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He was as unlikeable 4d2c144d22 as my stepfather. I didn’t need 669495bf28 to look naive ea9a7b5d2b to a guy 34a5216dd4 like him, but f219db6aed maybe it was 508291f54e because I had b40ed61b6a heard that I 74aa8c7f4a didn’t look openly 3ea86535b6 naive, but the 258d086d73 unpleasantness was even 6244f15098 greater. I wanted to 68d329a2cf tell him to 4e32be4c1c stop thinking about 7901b045df me in that 2ccb41430b way right now.150456eab4fcb8ab

“I’m going out anyway, 0e170b6ff2 so get a ride.”61a59864302e4d40

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“No thanks.”6464cbdc4729dee6

“You’re stubborn.”e8c42610f63fd5ff

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“…?”bb4a67d334b8147a

I didn’t 2f640d58fa register the 010675e14a words he eb3bdb2bc6 muttered to 1f1ece7c76 himself.90a96a72d9fb2a1f

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What?9a59365de88e5a30

I glared at him d621ea0d1f with eyes that were a3f0945ca7 tinged with displeasure. I opened my e481a86d68 mouth to refuse 5d3cdb1fb8 again. At that c29d232355 moment, another 3eee762b05 car came 284af91223 up behind 1e728aee55 Seungwon’s white a45963da40 Jaguar and af316e17ac was waiting 9408871aaa to enter. The driver d4d4d230ca in the acd167ac16 car was bac5870c92 looking at d7ca16382c me. It was a 149f45132d look of urging.2c4ca3ce16f94e36

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“I’m going d9d5c2e7c8 to walk, 4972ae4329 so mind 41d9696a8b your own 32245bf250 business.”ed530cd3905a51bb

“Get in, don’t 050ffda745 be like that.”9d47adb8da401666

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He wasn’t the d2d87ed103 type to give 26907702cf up and turn 26a3ed06e9 around when I 3bced48812 refused. I looked at Seungwon, 40128999dc who was staring up b49042e4f7 at me, troubled, and 5577884e08 didn’t react at all 40bc31a7b2 to the movement of 0805972d9d the car behind him. Unlike my 4866802c48 stepfather, his 376b0033a3 son had 986c27248b an arrogant 9eed21237c side that 091a5fe483 generalized his cfe9f1d0fe own stubbornness dde8b14cbc and opinions. That arrogance 100fa38ead was hidden 668fab0c6a within a 869ec602f3 solid and a7040de465 quiet exterior, c643d834d0 not easily dbb2f9450f revealing itself. When I didn’t get d16713ea08 in and resisted, the 53bd01c33f car behind, which couldn’t c4e8d8540c stand even a short 29cddaba18 wait, honked its horn 2b98647608 nervously.d5dfd4a76f013149

I gave Seungwon, who 94cb86f515 was just looking at eb42e1df23 me without urging me, 18d528cc99 a resentful look and 504da5a80c reluctantly got into his e007ea4256 car. A subtle and fc0bafb8d8 soft scent was c88eb3d86b spreading inside the d406a77f1a car. The car glided smoothly ba850403ca as I got in.9fd41fa1607eee62

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Was he twenty-five?c0a98bf51761a255

The car itself 98ac635df4 was a Jaguar, 8ebe70fa6b but it was 8ecd622eb0 a mid-size car c469ae6fc3 and not the a966fdee99 style that a 0bf458a578 college student of 1154075215 that age would 08bac503bd like. I slowly aa09ec6ec5 scanned the 7001290dc1 interior of e6503067a6 the car 95db8bb6fe as if d3cde1e2a2 trying to f444b983ba gauge him. I smelled the coveted 26828ef462 scent of wealth. I felt 19dcdce7d8 somehow bitter 2240df4895 and averted e56e0748af my gaze 15b1d320a6 and said.e68b1fb20e2106cd

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“Stop at 25ff399044 the nearest c799d35e05 station.”707399acbf668ea1

“…”e9d9016bb69fc4f5

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I didn’t hear 0c749f1610 an answer, but eb7ff9dcae I assumed that efa806329c my words had cd5f105079 been registered. The car, a2a33d3059 which had c3b46b8faa come out e54fe6a001 of the 5f7f798f00 alley and 59da989227 onto the 900e4d6d8c road, passed d55e168488 the nearest b21c9ec79e subway station c2eef5e5a1 without any d49dfda21e warning, contrary f40f8628c3 to my 3b1226b46d expectations. My posture slumped 0e77d622b1 for a moment 8f5acf0e42 as the subway 1442f3699e exit moved away 277bb9f527 to the side 9cc6ac132c of the road. I turned a9a54a380b to him 2406218ada and scolded 7ab9d97056 him as 1865f136fa if I 78cc8358aa were a 2a473e16ab passenger who 8c13b9d4bd had missed 4033d9d6b2 the station e5d0db1ec3 and was 3b4c824a11 scolding the 0f1f7e18fa driver.1728b8f8a8b2bdcb

“Stop here.”7f6e09ddfe2a48c1

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“I was 5aac93cc88 a little 27ee185fc0 harsh this 156ffd2063 morning.”bcb05c52c995d513

“It’s okay, just stop f9bc3ce467 here.”aa88b3379f08a044

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“Where are you going?”5b83415b8c1846a4

No matter 43a1e14a3d what I e4962ace54 said, I d3c34144bc couldn’t get f2713e64e5 the answer 9f67ba0818 or action 2af3cc9b30 I wanted. Seungwon, who 535cc43844 lightly ignored 589d320cd1 my words, 1a64de2384 asked as b1ad7a0a9c if he 16cb27d000 hadn’t heard 46be65cef0 anything.0229b1a1f28d262e

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“Stop here.”0a9d0d64fb5e861c

I reacted sharply. Everything was a a917f0a06c mess. The son was just 16516e4c59 as self-willed as his 848d524adc father. To be 2863e17052 family with c22535cc4b such abnormal a88e98084d people, to 2ef4e2d649 be related f0fc3f78e8 by blood, 33d7becfea was as 6c2b1f94bb disgusting as 01ce4b1d4c having creepy 4a7569d94a bugs crawling 0bc2eeebaa on my 1da7d9e246 skin. My mother, my stepfather, a3b877b9ac and his son, who 96b94f4e3c was now sitting next 0c4e4f8d26 to me, offering thinly 46e885efe5 veiled threats disguised as 0dd3d9b332 kindness, were all disgusting. I wanted to do 7efe43c7e8 anything to make them 4781926cab disappear from my sight, 65e5909bfc whether they sank into ab4747be9d the ground or soared 724470913d into the sky. I sat ada1f644d3 uncomfortably, trying 0378928d12 to soothe d4d297fa16 my queasy 797e0f08bb stomach. I tried 0406d4a083 to look d99925fea6 detached, maintaining 098e5cdaad a cold 8df5c89802 expression, and f31c3e7356 spoke again.cc2f17a51311757b

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“Didn’t you hear e921e4f724 me tell you 19d47ddf10 to stop here?”e163ffdf3e2a83eb

My voice was a 3a77641087 little louder. My tone contained both c86541f785 anger at being so 318966df4c easily ignored by him, 8709dbf846 who was younger than fdea13e6e0 me, whether the age 7aec72c2b5 difference was small or 98162dca0a large, and displeasure towards caa6cf6443 his father. I was about cbdab1dfac to say a 02b5b090fe few more words, 354ecb51ad but Seung-won stopped ff629fb2da the car right 86aa3067ff away, like a 953cc2e39f well-behaved child. As soon as we 6af196306f stopped, I tried to ca385c93e5 unbuckle my seatbelt and 724ba5a956 get out of the 53425705de car. The door 67e1e0eff0 wouldn’t open a986438f45 because it 74db26eaab wasn’t unlocked. I grabbed the handle, 537fc91974 ratting it.77762bbd22565d0a

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“…!”f767093d26ca8bb3

A hand slowly reached 1c728a0078 out, barely visible at 7bbf746905 the edge of my 5642dcb811 vision. I flinched, my shoulders 45aadc5ed5 twitching, my whole body 9c2db03f76 was shrinking back. Seungwon’s arm cruelly mocked 6f01ac60eb my sensitive reaction, passing 26e81a50e6 right by me to 760f3ebfba unlock the door trim. Click, the 0500da361a door lock d95d4a3cf9 released. My face flushed red ba03f1da88 in an instant. As if f542d61bf3 representing my a23866c343 embarrassment, I 712f724d3c pulled the 764aea6b8f handle roughly, 16438f1311 and the 0e2ed269e0 door opened b11f5869ff with ridiculous 606056dcad ease. I got c7dcf2fe63 out of 54694e533c the car 868f8cd504 in a e2f589556c hurry and e5b2f4dd43 walked away 6cd6459020 as if d093f1e3ea fleeing towards 76cc1f23af the subway ce7aca5ad3 station that 866338a880 was already 75aa31892e far away.66896c6a475085b8

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My face dd71e1752e was hot. He had done it 0f0bfb0248 on purpose to see 12cf5c92b2 my reaction. It would have been cbff01912d much easier to operate 69765fe0ba the button on the ce2ad08b44 door trim next to 3fe88630f3 the driver’s seat where 97b309faca he was sitting, but d86a18c68c he deliberately reached out 67a6bf9fd9 his hand. I had been trying 8980c7e882 to ignore him, pretending 5b8cf01052 not to be aware 7eb275082c of him, but I 4b6f68998e had flinched the moment 8af854e7de his hand reached out. It was as a465b588cf if I had 3c171bda84 put on a c1c9861254 show, demonstrating that 09ca489b35 I was wary 971e97b300 of him with 1e20810fa2 my whole body, 4f134e8b48 like a sensitive 6902ba65de beast with its 6c5690d37b antennae raised. I thought 3aeeb0f04c he was 149b999fa1 going to 2328fcd3b0 hug me.a8a55328be0f57ea

My steps, 4e0352966a which had 930e6c8cb8 been hurrying 1980b76fc3 down the 398137d709 subway stairs, 68269986d1 slowed. I stopped d35d9f7e9e halfway down e594c0fbc4 the stairs. I grabbed my hair 5b6ba5774a tightly, as if tearing 5fd188148b it out. A sigh of 007cd22d35 self-reproach escaped my 51cb1638c5 lips.98b61396beb57a77

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“Damn it…!”e7fd3afe66fe0b37