PD Ch10

He was a man who approached me no matter how coldly I pushed him away. He was a man who was trying to possess me while using my mother to get married. He was a man who read the relationship between my mother and me as if he were looking into his own head and used it. He pretended to be docile, but if he saw even a small excuse, my stepfather would reveal his hidden teeth and try to bite my neck. That’s why I was desperately trying to act dignified in front of him.1f51ed018bd817e1

The reason I came into this man’s house was not so much to hurt my mother as to show off that composure to the man. No matter what he had in mind, it had nothing to do with me. I wanted to make my stepfather, that man, realize that he was a worthless being who couldn’t harm me in any way by coming here.aaac2a53e2f05f12

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My stepfather’s eyes softly scanned the room.c9870378ca0b4dd9

“You still haven’t unpacked. Is the layout inconvenient, or do you not like the room? I asked Grace, and she said you like white, so I decorated it in white tones.”e168addb68a93170

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“…”9d639ed495b732dd

“You don’t like the room?”24e82752456392c2

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“I told you earlier.”4b5e0df10eb268d6

“If there’s anything uncomfortable, don’t hesitate to tell me.”bb529aa814c26986

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“It’s uncomfortable when you act like this, Father.”57ed048d43fec95a

“I know it looks crazy.”e9f75332da2c5d46

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“I… told you not to.”56d96669dc4a7252

“You won’t let me catch you, so who am I supposed to catch?”152436f0f350d513

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“Did you isolate Mom properly?”d58fe49eb888ad84

“…She’s showering now.”4ebe0c0fb1778061

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“Please don’t make me uncomfortable. Please leave.”2afa9365721d3348

“If I could buy you with money, I would have.”30888b4ef3c60334

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“…”867e1f9b58b97cfc

“I’m a businessman. I’ve never seen anything as desirable as you in my life. So I compromised.”1fe8fb9d15cc8428

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I lowered my gaze and deliberately got lost in other thoughts, trying not to listen to the man’s words. The man talked at length about something. I didn’t listen.16bf8e4ad8eff475

“Junghyun.”d3136ecba3e47712

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At my stepfather’s call, I threw a fresh gaze as if being pulled up from deep thought. If I had a knife, I would have hidden it behind my back.bb02c63689cfb4ae

“Mom must be done showering.”3c3ae8c40951b187

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“…Junghyun.”d8aac3f57c3312dd

I felt like I 00366d2605 was going crazy every 80d509025f time the man called 9d869d5521 my name like that. A man 475c53f170 who rationalized d90c15328c possession by 69e010f9db marrying my 7f01ba2964 mother and 2bceae4686 becoming my 48737b6206 stepfather, and fc0a0f78bb I myself, e104da08d4 who knew 7eabfbc507 that and 92630314db chose to eeedeb22c8 enter this cc0dcee77b dark cave, a9b6f3f046 was disgusted.6939495c8f28c5d0

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“Please leave. I’m begging you.”f460c2e448c1953f

“…Okay, rest.”44503f6fe713c534

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I used the word “please” and made a polite request. The man nodded with a regretful expression and turned around. I watched him open the door and leave with tension. The door closed, and I had vowed not to lock it, but I had no choice but to lock it with a click. The sound of the door locking echoed clearly in the quiet surroundings.bee29b238de866f5

I could e01973de8d tell he 80436e6156 was still 082218b848 standing in 205f22e3fc front of 47708ef40e the door. I leaned f38c92e544 my forehead 37c8f60fa3 against the 0f1beb0a30 door and b966eddfa7 prayed desperately 18f8191fdb in my 87f97bb1be heart for bbcb9f6117 him to da33287e0b leave, not cffb27dc94 to stand 1083934c0e there like 4e4db08678 that. Only after the footsteps 487c4724a6 that had lingered for fa2ea07f75 a long time faded 6f558ab0a6 away was I able 7b2ba9c084 to move away from c9a1e1e723 the door.868c464f779551c6

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I didn’t have the energy to sit at my desk. I lay down on the bed. The mattress supported my weight firmly yet softly. I covered myself with the new blanket that smelled of fabric softener. Everything that touched my skin was soft and warm, but I swallowed painfully. A headache that couldn’t be relieved with medicine was tightening my head.bacda116306e9f0d

***c99608aaeafbf604

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The garden was cold and damp. I fastened my coat, inhaled, and exhaled, and my breath spread out around me in a hazy blue dawn. I slowly looked around the man’s house, where I would be living from now on, from the view line with a faint mist to the neatly arranged garden and the detached house beyond.96c5389d293df4bc

I thought Seoul would be complicated and messy everywhere, but it wasn’t. As my mother had said, like Newport in Rhode Island, the road up the hill was lined with mansions separated from the heart of the city at regular intervals, and the man’s house was no different.4d8ad29a09fa00f6

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The mountain range behind me was foggy, as if it were carrying clouds. Even this limitation could be a stinging pain, depending on what situation you were in. I slept, but I didn’t sleep deeply. My head kept ringing, and I was pressing my temples with my hands when I heard a rustling sound and turned around.b667aef2a0534bac

“…”c151c33899621bc6

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A face that didn’t resemble his father.48734b76df70b5ab

If his father was a specimen of a scholar, his son was an animal wearing a human skin. He was the owner of strong and distinct features. His eyes were deep, and his splendor looked like melancholy with moisture. He was in his mid-twenties and felt somewhat boyish, with a dignified air reminiscent of a ruler who had just ascended to the inherited throne. If he didn’t resemble his stepfather, it would have originated from the womb. Looking at his appearance, I was purely curious about his mother.4c0046bc330eb1c7

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Unlike me, who found the winter in Seoul unbearably cold, Lee Seungwon came out into the garden wearing only jeans and a knit that didn’t seem too thick. And he found me and approached me without the slightest hesitation. Every time he took a step, the grass, faded to a desolate color, crumbled like tinder. I smelled a faint mint scent. It must be the smell of the cigarettes he smoked that had permeated his body odor. He came close enough to me that I could smell his body odor and stood next to me, looking down at the scenery beyond the wall like me.841002b7c20437a0

I ran my hand 470d68e237 over my stiff neck. I had to 078bddd79f say something. He had a 50067ac227 weakness of mine. A weakness that my 2024c8eeb2 stepfather would try to 940a8ff78c rape me with if 094414fb34 it got into his 97a22b6b0e ears. Encountering him at dc38af0a0f Trax was not 7ef38ecab9 a wonderful coincidence b43aa21406 but the worst aa0042b5e4 coincidence. I was deb14909bc reminded of fa4fef74b3 how he ac97feb2ce had enjoyed 879958cb18 ignoring my 4121a54187 eyes at a5044313ec the dinner 18928fee54 table last fb9e112bc3 night, which 5f709d4ac3 had asked 85752fdb8d him to 086c1a2836 pretend that be5fe56fc5 the chance 74d36b39cc encounter had db28994c6e never happened.11e56a45422fffa8

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“…”ffe34a9c3aef8c07

I gripped my collar tightly. I could see the trajectory of his breath in my field of vision, which didn’t turn around. Quite a bit of time passed as we endured without saying anything to each other. My lips were already frozen blue and trembling. Even though I had a coat draped over my shoulders, I was cold, but Lee Seungwon reacted insensitively to the cold. Impatience and patience ran out first.5aa69c7707b75c27

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“We met a few days ago. Do you remember?”3e6dbdbd13f0528a

“It looks cold.”81aae77fa2d6db92

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He replied briefly. It wasn’t an answer to my question. With my lips frozen blue, I turned to look at him. Lee Seungwon’s eyes were fixed on my lips. His eyes, which had been lowered, were lifted. It was a gaze that approached in a straight line. I shrugged off the cold and replied coldly, as if to say I could handle this much.00f3b80b6de0d820

“I think you’re colder than me.”de85ff06500eddc3

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“Is Seoul very cold? I heard you’ve only lived in California.”d768e96a0d260b21

“Yes, more than I thought.”72edf38c40c7b3dd

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I had lived in Korea for a while during my adolescence, but I didn’t want to correct him. Now was not the time to casually discuss the weather with that man’s son. I wasn’t in the mood to do that either.36bf0965aab05f8d

“I saw you in Itaewon.”9357819317b48630

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“Ah, yes.”caaacc2cebe34f6b

At my words, which were returning to the main point, Lee Seungwon’s lips smiled languidly. He put both hands in the back pockets of his jeans and nodded lukewarmly, seriously gazing at the dawn scenery of his house, which he was encountering after a long time.4f53c310d67c6b29

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“You’re the one who found my cell phone back then, right?”538b33ef42d6c537

I asked 9a09ad4122 again in 58becd48b2 a monotone 60fc951126 voice. Lee Seungwon 86d541735b looked at bbd29b4ae8 me. There was e7038290f6 no reason 828fd368cd to back 6716594c64 down. I met his 6007bba717 eyes.908f5d4eef9e06e0

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“My mother doesn’t know I go to places like that… and I hope she never finds out.”d06b834c041c2b68

“…”1bfe991b807d806f

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“I’m going back to America soon. Please pretend you don’t know until then. I have no intention of causing trouble in this house.”d35de87cfcbe1822

I had 3e8d511886 expressed my 153a63c1a1 intentions enough. It was obvious 2972309a9d that I would ad86dbc361 be seen as 25936b09be a stepmother and 6296b8804c her child who 4513d0fbc8 had come in 133957236b to take advantage bd98d1bc11 of the wealth. There was 2705ca16fc a need 8faa545f60 to draw c6c64e734c a line 299efa6519 against his 439f75cef2 wariness.f19577e1ef0c48ed

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“I heard you were very opposed to this marriage.”8a0ebb98327f28be

I expected an answer that he would or wouldn’t do that, or that I shouldn’t worry. I was surprised by the completely unexpected words and asked back.f7c8564a33721f50

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“Did the President tell you that too?”08730f781eb7842e

“Do you call my father President?”6d68dd8111babd74

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My face flushed for a moment at his question. I had been calling him Father in front of my stepfather. The word “Father” was enough to make him feel guilty. It was as if he had caught me using a different title on purpose. I made excuses even though I didn’t need to.9f181894558df040

“I don’t know him well yet, and it’s awkward. I haven’t even met him a few times.”1f1d557543afab46

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“My father was talking as if he was very close to you.”30b5015effcbd55a

“No, not at all. I don’t know him well.”6661d08710c9f178

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“…”5af776e66e6548af

“My mother wanted it, so I just agreed. I didn’t even want to come out of America. I’m going back soon, and I won’t come out again.”95f128d1a7212ee3

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“I see.”c92745aaf4868091

He pretended to understand ambiguously. I said it clearly as if I were conveying a decided matter and glanced at his expression. That’s not what I wanted to say. I hesitated and opened my mouth as I watched his expression.c34fd6bab34921b7

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“So… don’t tell anyone.”11ea718dc14b7af1

“Tell them what?”422824b233535ec4

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“I went 2125ee0733 to a a970a7c9c1 place like 86f4aa651c that. I’m sure your 547681dedf parents don’t know d3ba39e388 either. Please, let’s cb6420dcb2 not out 996f3e47a3 each other.”c15891e40e0eeb77

“I never said I 47163e07c6 was gay.”2a141a82a249019c

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“…”7fdcf5420ecbb2be

“So, anyone who goes 466103cdc1 to a place like d01ce33cae that is gay?”b4570672eac312a1

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I froze like a b1b105f501 stone. Only then did 7261e0242b I realize that 26e8f337e6 if I had 4529184155 just pretended not 48a5126918 to know and 131b8c563f moved on, this e63c727dc1 topic would never 8878e39631 have resurfaced. I had just 664e6cc6fd assumed he was af2ca5cef8 one of my c45453383a kind. Seungwon chuckled 693e35618e as I 4bc5ad3e35 stared blankly, 52255b3f17 unable to b6d1b3fd1f say anything 4f426cc8a5 in my 27a9206a9c embarrassment.8f3f2fc05ab34bf3

“Well, I wasn’t planning be4c2a5f7c on saying anything from c8d66a73a0 the start. Don’t worry.”4d2c919ed3d727c6

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“…I’m sorry if 6cd7d32b4e I misunderstood.”a838dd237121de1e

“Didn’t things work out with the guy you went out with? If you’re going back to America soon.”c619925a46349ed1

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He was talking about 42f5694c1d the man who had a4b42bc64f been roughly exploring my 3ecc01f869 lips in the elevator ddac012814 of Trax. To think that his eeb7355888 son had caught us 63f409cfab in such a scene. I felt suffocated and c3c7765be4 miserable. I had been 6fe81f83a7 on my way 7b6e6ef773 to a one-night bce82fd4cb stand. Whether he was gay 0726ffe75d or not, he couldn’t 187acb2162 have missed the meaning 34cff12249 of that scene. I decided not 5ad301ec82 to care what 234dd85d39 Seungwon thought of d271bc1215 me. As long as 8c4bcddeab he didn’t tell 78ef1bc0de his father, he 0f5c11ef91 could think of 61ce8a1402 me as a cbefb1d113 cheap person who d731cd6cce freely mingled with 2c4b598017 strangers for a f0ab15306e moment of pleasure. I was going cf676099cd back anyway. It didn’t matter. He was a man 0eac38cc08 I would never see b52960af3f again.2f7096ea9502ed87

“Excuse me.”a86eeb05f054c46c

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“When are 4dfaaa74e4 you leaving?”4b941556784c8081

I didn’t answer Seungwon’s 42ed47c5c9 question and turned away, 18337b672d but I stopped halfway 2bf621037b when he called out 3b155162cc to me.17cb54781b5312c7

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“Where to… 5b3bf91169 to America?”8097b97709df1caa

“Yes.”96c9aa473b8d6297

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“Sometime this a1f729386a week or 0154fba2d1 next.”9df57e6dfabf2ce0

I hadn’t even booked 3287ebb296 a plane ticket yet. I didn’t 53e934b0cc have a 82a05669c0 place to f72b9a4bf5 live there 373bed63ee or money 5b1ce17a1b to solve 10cab144d1 my immediate 89a67d5074 meals, but 0d54a150ee I only 10b1ea0606 had the bcdbba5ad9 thought that ebdeb6cc6f I had 4819369108 to leave ff56c56abc no matter d7cb9945bf what. Whether it 81435a09ea was this d631a3abe2 week or 0680c62b5f next, I 8d2a108f8d just wanted 5fa536c1e3 to somehow b19506248e raise the 46cad9e791 money and bb8a316de7 return to 8afed9b1d1 America, where ef187cedfb no one 2b5915b9f6 was waiting 15a354a357 for me.041700604fe51dce

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“Well then.”063d0b283681f81c

I made b215a6e7f0 a perfunctory efba82f162 nod and 5bd2aeff6e was about b983160e2d to turn b20d31f4fe around when 1bac4ae94c Seungwon’s voice e125f1e961 stopped me ffb3a2a36d again.5639826c30055bec

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“But why were fbdef6dfa9 you so opposed af7e08bcfc to the marriage? I heard e06154dcdf your life 3ad01a80a9 wasn’t great.”561ea4dccdcbc1f1

“…”bbe0757c583f2827

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I, who had fe4c1678a5 been a step 8ceacf7d7e away from him, ce5b0135f1 now had a 58c01ef50c cold, frozen expression. I looked at 2324af57ba him with eyes e16b4db849 colder than the c5def6c962 winter air that 43f1795fe5 had just arrived. He looked interested b91d020242 in my gaze, 0f567c8b95 his eyes sparkling. It seemed he found 9ff2457e5f it fun to provoke d148039d42 me.2222b12ec4e7c9fb

“Since both 57fb5ba885 our father 6e75e23895 and your 1bc400a6b4 mother are 51b98c5c54 single anyway, 0f31f036fa isn’t it dfe56c52ad better for fd507bc506 the children 29f859eda7 if they d8659a9952 remarry? I don’t know 3bd7c805bb about America, but 55f87ce120 in Korea, a cde2d7c39a single mother is 81648a49b3 usually like a 69f20edc21 burden that her 06577a017e son has to 9d7ea48450 support until he 7a47cda069 dies. If your life wasn’t 56986409fd easy, it must have 35aa76f707 been quite a burden. If I were you, b44b82407a I would have welcomed 1f4c52c37b my father’s remarriage with 6afad9e2c9 open arms.”6ee27d0d5f81318f

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“…”465030447f02cf31

I had to say 1b92d3ff46 something. It was 6a55967d01 a question 41b8e9c7b5 that his 720e396436 son might 43c3de22e8 be curious 2de99ab5bd about. As he said, a af9ae7f2c4 single mother with no 16ad786f78 ability was a heavy f0d96df6fe burden on a difficult 1f15fbd5fb life. If someone, 70b8a30f9f especially a 7db4bfb604 man with 0e30736960 wealth, were 4df9f0e1a0 to remarry 0552668842 in their b1775ab1d2 twilight years, 654a585f64 my natural 96ab2dd4e0 reaction would 1f15ebea4f be to 19e525eb6b appease and ca05bd8e2b encourage my e90312716a mother, who 25476eb0b2 would rather 94beac67a6 refuse and 39ad1393db reject it. But I fa14cb34f9 had vehemently 55da27d6e2 opposed this 9c2c69b313 marriage. This marriage had created 07eb6b2d12 a deep rift between 764a3c733a my mother and me 2797364309 that could never be 06217e07da bridged, and I was 34af89df89 exhausted from the constant 84a747a2de discord and fighting. That’s how strongly 324e0fba5f I had opposed 91d6eaa419 it.f4bdae9598b95ca8

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“Was there some problem c26b686f5f that made the marriage 6e0d660383 impossible?”8ab959e88f2e4bc3

“It’s not that, it’s…”a0a8d82ab2bb741b

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“If there’s 504fb94766 something wrong a982569772 with your c04bc96898 mother, you a2545b0730 should tell 55294d5d94 him before 6d1028943a the marriage.”612132f4d1746c89

“It’s not like 34a3b6229c that. To be honest, 80814a029f my mother was cc3b413e56 attracted to the a23ac11fcf President’s wealth. I opposed it 64af72c9d5 because I didn’t c9d0a5024e think it was 2cd91f0246 a marriage based 757facc1f1 on liking and c0287901f5 love.”2fa02f1f1e9427a1

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Seungwon looked dumbfounded 85dead1b4b at my words. He soon dbf2de8ec2 burst out e3e3bf6881 laughing. His laughter filled the dcb23efc59 dawn air.5cca6e0c2bb2ba8c

“You’re an interesting person.”07bd29ed0aff4f73

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“…”130d9d365215d739

“You opposed da9e28fd72 the marriage 7ed3d18722 because it 19b81944f2 wasn’t based fec2608c17 on love? You opposed it 72fca8e1db because it was 4eaf060120 a remarriage for 9b6016a58a money…?”fa084da0d5447aa1

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He asked back f26993058e as if he 2e49ce6e6d couldn’t believe it.21043dae3f18bede

“…”3f74845a8e9919bc

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“You didn’t seem naive 6ff6d56a0c enough to think such c6bee2a718 ridiculous things when I 9b825a15cc saw you then?”ea07c3e798bd5b66