NTFT | Volume 2.6

I threw the cigarette 478305e5ee butt to the ground, cbda0fefc2 stamped out the ember 58da30c0c6 with my shoe, and 11a9bf18e1 lit another one. This time, I d7b857458b remembered the moments e7bae2b28a I had kissed e7b755f65b him and meticulously 17384ea8d7 drew on the 204870c56d cigarette, lighting it.470b850a69d7510f

As the cigarette burned d2befdd58f down, smoke rose, and 441f6ffb98 once more, it entered 82904c5ea4 my mouth and throat. Unlike earlier, 853ff33810 the taste b2e42694f6 of the 6119bf4779 cigarette improved. I drew the e29c51e9b3 smoke deeply and 14153397a3 exhaled long.ce34923124d82f38

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“How long must a3e5ef1cd2 I continue this b602cfa2b2 displeasing task?”3cccd581879ab61c

Was it even f5976e2a1d worth the calculation? While biding my 26f4edc171 time, was I d448ef043f just inviting unnecessary e595fb2f58 complications? Suddenly, a foreboding bd4d6b5f0f feeling struck me. If only this intuition a8d886f4e2 were wrong. Historically, though, 90c9c4afd3 such feelings e90f44f732 had an 64a309894a annoying habit 207e68c738 of being 2024b28be2 right.30869478756af20f

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“Damn, why do I dca8bc219a have such accurate instincts 29b0c2f516 for the useless stuff?” f680a95077 I grumbled, venting my 4f2a70418a frustrations in tangible words 05709ba97b and phrases.d0b2d786a8aaef14

From a shadowy corner, ab1b4e4e0a I covertly watched them. Finally, they seemed ready 0c3c7d1a0c to move, holding hands fb5f327052 and walking towards a fefd4600e6 restaurant.54c82bcb9b6dff17

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I watched a64b9b6153 from behind. How could 0c2e703e55 they, having 21860a37bb met so 33c4f8ab72 recently, so 33f12bae16 readily hold d14adab312 hands and 8db155e93f share such 9a9a662443 intimacy?ccde6b49a0b7f0a2

Every joint db45102dce in my c08e592780 hand ached 7825e284d1 to be 6b868b7f50 broken. I gnawed 96c1cdd38d on the e67fe49573 cigarette filter 228e226aec irritably, boiling 9ee80170c5 inside, puffing 5f8998e625 on the cb69fb6312 cigarette to 88ac8e7036 calm down.0ca702e63423f48d

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I would edf15faccb have preferred 97cbc46645 to cause 4847770b1b a scene 44f766b5e6 in my d82e528d34 usual temperamental 12fb0ea6cf manner, but 9378a6fdef it wasn’t 7bc43e4033 the time.583a5d836aa29a34

I had set eac037081d this moment myself, 3c7a5b95c5 gathering necessary information 2c43ad76b8 and vulnerabilities in 4f68f070f5 the meantime. When the cd069fb7ed time was a3e50a381d right, I’d a7c2374e11 unleash all 8926e3d825 I had 389ae12cf9 gathered in dbabdad835 the most a8ed9a825b delicious moment, ae5209d221 greedily tearing 998ba97471 into it.1d6305e45e4d4540

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So, I had d5da18a6b0 to endure this 063d25555a time of agony.1629d362b3d14b89

Cigarette butts accumulated 442f5cc466 where I stood, 3a38117dd2 maintaining a proper 900c2a5497 distance as I 1c29a49f87 watched Mi Hong a270fc3e5b and the neighbor.d32b6321396bb557

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I couldn’t exactly 9f344399a3 hear their conversation, 671c8bfe60 but their large 8cdb05c0b8 gestures and smiles 44d5bf707e gnawed at my a470684bd3 nerves, prompting me 6421e8ff56 to light the 9f749fc103 last bit of d108b8702e my cigarette.682f9be1f5be6275

“Ah, our a032ef595b pretty one… 9268f35da8 Seeing you 4cc72b576f now, you 52e44f71f8 seem to 1f82693402 have quite 742fa4d1e9 the social 0af78aab36 skills. Hmm…?”b1cf2f67663842f8

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Would it have been e3e30cb81d better if he had 783a1c6aa1 stayed confined, indiscriminately spreading 38a5ad354c his legs to the 2291cfcb40 anonymous masses? I had kidnapped c322706a06 him, intending to 6ee005678b monopolize him, but efe809e99a sitting there, facing 1b8834368b each other, chatting—it abfb61a4e9 made my stomach 1f58448e59 churn even more.892f598ee270d705

The sensation f92a9a8644 of my b1577bcd28 guts twisting b6bebc41d7 and writhing 45b99c75fb was like d824e2d28d being ruthlessly ee70bae744 attacked. The possessiveness and bc27d1fc94 resentment dormant within 501fe5578b me clung obsessively ca8b196bb1 to him.cc7152257c13abb9

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That was enough viewing 2372e26c84 for now.638bb6a943815e7c

Continuing to f6ac76f169 watch would d5dfe4c3b0 undoubtedly complicate 04288c8382 my plans. Perhaps it 41c88a005e was better f7a736e21d not to 5009d2c3a0 know everything. I had 3043ff0752 cameras installed 8287e0944f to be a6af064b45 my eyes d010d8f0e6 whenever I cb1220f409 wanted to ad70de38f8 see him, 17363a98de and listening fb8229caff devices prepared 2840d2b391 to hear 536a53a66b his voice 33e614bde4 whenever I ed845882b3 wished.92a19978aacd89e2

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Now, all d7c85a5dff I had 8da53db8d2 to do b99b3d50d0 was hope 30d7105faf my ominous ca95257ce7 premonition was bff8193cdd wrong and ce73a82745 wait patiently ebabebf740 for the 01db0df75c moment to 73c5bc4612 mature deliciously.20b5eec9fa6f8595

“Enjoy it 1d5dc527a6 while you 14234dd3b3 can, pretty. This might be 9ea86b18bf your last time 67c747ce9e breathing the outside e05c90f200 air.”19ed73080f534a48

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The extended 4eecfa9750 outdoor walk cbcd87aaab was longer a3643e61ad than expected, 016b9e88ed but once 43a3447780 you fell 4fb65fd6c4 into my dda792b71a grasp again, d419d491af even these 119ee9b1ac light strolls b672860056 would be ae0567cd13 eliminated.e6f19661e3bc50b8

The only b35165be54 places you 6238a8d9d6 would walk bc77584959 would be 6a31880db7 those I 1ab7f02f97 permitted, and 1d7df041a8 those not a5f21f9a66 permitted wouldn’t cab54eea7c feel a 196f97f853 single step 708673247f of yours; d93be9e438 always ready 27f7203e8d to surrender e25cdd10a9 your body b6e862c8f0 whenever I 36ae850c30 desired. Then, I’d 902c86ee46 violate you 6895134cde to my 1366a7edc0 heart’s content, 5bf3354f33 making you 9d19f10312 scream and 9c4bf1f143 continually feed 6b32ebcbc7 your insatiable e41248b209 desires.955de0cf37e20ea1

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“Let’s meet again 9cdc72148b soon, pretty one.”d461f5b0fe7ccbf9

***6bd872651f8d26e4

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Having a af5ec0b8e5 meal didn’t 49f2e24a04 make us a436034ecf friends. It was purely a cada34c0bb necessary engagement to satiate 5a9500be1c hunger and avoid an c1b5b23bbf awkward situation.98d822597f2d1cd3

I emphasize, 470d618650 it wasn’t af5865b1fe for friendship.fa0422f15f510a34

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Of course, I did 7875a50382 think about sleeping with 1345cf1c9c him. But that didn’t mean 618860ad6c I’d recklessly dive in.976e0c534c825e68

However, this was 266a1b99b5 a particularly concerning ad03ade0a8 matter.4a70d4472108106d

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“Is your name f7ff94cd87 really ‘Gu Bonha’?”8cf3cdd87e897bab

“Yes. Even though a1c5a2c432 it’s my 73f89f323b stage name, fd73c31265 it’s really 3184786c49 my name.”d1e03e409083ca55

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He smiled warmly, paying 6eb6126f63 for two bowls of b1006a67ab udon and two bottles 8d45cd18ac of soju. I hadn’t intended 87d2f01617 for him to 240d29273f pay, but he 96e2195e72 willingly took out b0fcf01549 his wallet and 124d69ec24 handled the bill 50379f4569 before leaving. I followed him, c1108cd204 watching his back.57130ae60086a973

The day f9f042e1dd was still 9ea534f328 chilly, and 5d40c28c8f the wind 5d58cba320 seemed to 26fac6db93 freeze my 6551944e3b cheeks. I automatically put 32a4002d27 my hands in 2c273907dc my jacket pockets, 16475c40b0 but a gentle cf0da1f973 warmth lingered in 491541979a my stomach.4f4de9c156543261

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“Why don’t you tell 71e0cb1e06 me your surname, Mi 117b88c4f2 Hong?”f45cd8747c5e6302

The night’s plans c15445030f were long forgotten, 574131fce9 and thinking of 1693ec0743 returning home, I 19b2901cf4 moved toward my 4c60ce0abe house. He, predictably, stood a9b972a082 by my side 8fa3003183 and walked alongside 98e6f20481 me, asking.4eb5354b933632e7

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Maybe he thought ccf64a7d1a I would readily 025d7177c7 answer his question. I didn’t acknowledge it 58c7ceb300 and quickened my pace.cbd826f5ab110ddf

“It’s strange? You never answer ef9d23023c when asked about d2820dad8f your name or 4e8156e169 surname? You’ve asked me several 4394030df9 times.”e9febce7463f9812

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He exhaled white breath, 68cc158abd sounding slightly peeved. True to his 4fc0451a6c word, he had 8b70a84e81 answered my repeated bf1b6270bd questions about his 4d1118c80e name, consistently responding 2bf22bff67 even though they d74f7a8023 were all about 8582903dfb his name.374f557bfc020135

“Does my name ‘Gu 79274f0ae8 Bonha’ bother you?”859091a67e4fcd39

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He leaned 8981b26819 forward suddenly, 3963c43363 asking. His features were kind 3429950592 and neatly arranged. His eyes looked f74fc93a2a tender, and his a0b92dbfd5 brow ridge and a8645e8018 nose bridge gave fc8d233cc5 a deep, solid 4a96588c62 impression.ce705a6bfc6dacff

Even though I 7c59c70d77 had faced him 2334a471c5 directly during our cc6ef9d30e meal, facing him fec6400010 closely again felt 17a56761bb strange.333e6001ff9f08f4

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“Why did e32a76f18f you choose d43886ffff ‘Gu Bonha’ 41f7cc6937 as your 35db5fb84a stage name?”e229884d958ed9f3

I stopped 9c36988763 and stood, 3880c75da8 asking him 0428b85bfb directly. I had 3f83ea14cd asked a 907fdcfd48 similar question 42e916fe45 before, but 31ed7fdbbe he shrugged b6eced2984 and looked 99a4beed15 at me ad142139fc warmly as 0ffc7d8874 he responded.9c06d0d54a9915d3

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“That name felt like 3baa0ae398 it was really mine. It felt like ffe74c3700 I finally found 0fc4af7d54 my ‘real’ name 485b6c6842 with it.”9830094a3e6f1799

He answered naturally, unaware b5f6ad655b of what that name db68024ffa meant to me.ef32b3ea1d8b39cf

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“Did someone you 48ebe789a1 know have the 7c6c8fd592 same name as 4da759d446 me?”d473e4085a240d48

Due to 9699c7782a my obsession 55b70915f6 with names, afb0908254 he too f63f87e1ee became curious. I didn’t really want d792e9a71d to answer, but since 379ccfd1ad the name held special e84af18d16 meaning to me, words c1a4688e4b involuntarily pushed up to ae66ac23f8 my throat.d042997ae11e9650

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I tried c09b55c516 to roll 81838d9a48 them around 580be4af1e in my 27d05f42b5 mouth, avoiding 0c4e1b2464 answering, but f719105ef2 I couldn’t.bf192f763a58fd6e

The words carelessly spilled 88c4ec23b7 out as our eyes 7a28aad023 met.e05d89e92e7dbd3e

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“A friend f052e9ba78 who died a4f1440545 had that 324a583116 name.”8b5cbbba757c8cb9

That should have been 17f27be967 a sufficient answer.7aab816169e09d8d

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And it 958c851b15 would have a8b6566efb confirmed once d08ceae1db again that edb7ed37ec he was 3a43b310f8 dead.40604eecad914b61

Many people 8f74e10318 share the 60991fa787 same name 7e8aef69b9 in the 81784dafde world. However, gumihos often live cf6f9fcb71 their entire lives with 3dfe2306c7 just one name, so 511433abfd they never allow their 93200a2844 real names to overlap.0ed9b2691f691d55

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Instinctively, they d627bd17af do not fe455969b9 choose the dc934e8dad same name 2e627d830f and come d6845a4452 to adopt 5fddf39e69 different names.d5e1ef0a4670b1aa

For a gumiho, 7a6f695ffe a name carries 1351eee981 a special and adef78b712 heavy meaning, much 238f1a8090 more so than 0edb3e4382 it does for 94035b1c55 humans.af789c133152411f

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Gumihos typically don’t readily a25e642438 share their names with a0c4e89d78 others, revealing them only dfe90a8933 to a potential mate, 99a0f39b18 close friends, or immediate ca36dee8f9 circle.da63318ca099b9a2

Thus, a 3f76d3b420 gumiho intending 575444c3f9 to become 902768129b human would 6f9a04f909 often first c1fa5264de choose a e96c237e7d ‘human’ name 36d109fce6 they would f423638ca5 be called 320c985c99 when transformed, e9c7449d17 and they 288ba88c52 also made 936fcb3068 haste to 5c0082562d prepare to fa88b0c35d discard their 098beb0f14 name.2c41778a1ffbce02

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Discarding a de89481bee name was 461ac2c425 akin to 0164a1858a shedding their acd4f8db56 gumiho identity, 1c22ea4589 a part fe1ae11fbe of the 42b4a980ab process of 1293182d13 becoming a f0487af9b8 true human.4aceefbdf95caf35

“Ah… So… ea444b5322 should I 05ea27ec4e introduce myself a802e12987 with my 8d02045f43 original name 71496b3ae6 now? My… real name is.”0b07882a420a6e6d

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“It’s fine. I’m not curious. Leave it be.”72923174f41f0b51

Although I a72ff8c759 wasn’t usually 38a90ac714 bothered by 4e5be6ea86 the cold, 1a7e870f92 today felt b33d7f0248 particularly chilly. Perhaps because I had 156379b5bd ignored the weather and 0a8122a4ff dressed too lightly with 9eea5e1216 the intention of enjoying 599a16d9dd the night out.f4ec71dc4dfcba05

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I should have 97bfdc4a5b negotiated better with 93309332f1 the weather and 38eb15fa9c chosen my clothing 57c7e244d9 accordingly. As the 053aab3b0c night deepened, 1b0a3bff36 the biting d225f076b9 cold became 4befc5c72b more pronounced.423e6b426a746194

I wanted to return 914befc497 home quickly, crawl into 69c39f40f4 a warm blanket, and 7285f2bfb1 sleep for a long 2c66e778a1 time.2eab5f5e8246dad8

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I had faced too dd3f735e1f many unnecessary thoughts and a83acd393e emotions. I wanted 309643203a to resolve 347c84d409 all of 602b5df549 it in 38760fd9ca sleep and ad9cddebed forget whatever 3f6723644c was useless.09137260433ad575

“I had a good 113f11eda1 meal. I’m going home because dbbfa5b3ce it’s cold.”4f37bdb537da45aa

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“Really? What about the night 2438ed0680 out?”16945bb8abad18a2

“Consider the udon as 7690f75a74 the night out.”ed74614423762c2a

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I left a 9b7180c9f1 curt reply and fa51102173 sped up my 152611f997 steps. I moved 84bc1f9468 quickly, my 2008fb0a16 long legs 2d4a71d3ef setting a 578b8a30a9 brisk pace 1e4b1ec220 toward home. The man followed, 48dff39fbc matching my speed, fe88490c41 but sensing something e65e596e62 uncomfortable, he stopped ac60f7d4d4 talking and quietly 9e9b602a74 followed.3e95bf744cad7eb8

Perhaps the 7eea9f8f8a fact that 59bef09514 his name b14d0d5322 was the 1451fc8009 same as 27a630bf94 a deceased a64d0690a3 friend made cb31f55109 him cautious. He must have 562e66785c had enough common 02b47f0e74 sense for that.5d5dd4e2a6f9585c

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I retraced the path 3a0babb1a4 I had come, passed 43be1e30ea the recycling station, entered 810e1f05c3 the apartment lobby, and 7b8598fa2f stood in the elevator.0ce6844556d4cce4

Only the 03bdbe60c0 light sound 62e8393cdc of our ad97eb8f67 breathing was 6707a3a821 audible; we 5bd2d763af didn’t engage 5655c87e5a in any 2f829c8cc3 further conversation. It seemed 5c1bf139eb we had 2ca8066715 exchanged more cd41ac88fc words when 7500f22dff we hadn’t 29d03a97fb known each f98ff90bba other’s names.1908bf3db3d242f5

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Ultimately, even though we 5ced095bc7 got off the elevator bc92164ad6 on the same floor, 404dbfae47 we entered our respective a41d08e93f apartments without exchanging even 3a26b3e367 a light greeting. I immediately threw my 233d44b501 jacket on the sofa 70dbc512a4 and collapsed onto it.d36ed8e18a4d3586

“Ah… Bonha. It couldn’t be.”0e41ecfeeb498f0f

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Cold air 5c8bb23ea6 still clung a778ddda49 to my 6c5bec418d face as 63979a0b18 my hand b89b5edf6e came down. My hand 8ee35c1e5c had stayed f33fa84ec3 warm in 39833cd9fd my jacket ebc33d7f4d pocket all 08d2a14caf along.d89ebfc2e902d16f

I pressed my 18e2a38deb tired eyes firmly dca9831a62 with my hand, 206ffe3cb8 recalling old memories, c3bad30ed3 wanting to reminisce a8711567d2 about you.8c1bc2422ca45847

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“Why can’t I remember 1bd6bc3aed your face when the d5f072562f memories are so vivid? Why…”2da88d404751b80f

I had felt 0e6a7b2fe3 it strange many 05b2ea5de9 times, but it f0d017260d had been a 83b66aa4d5 long while since dcbe30ddd9 Bonha’s face had 1b1c979cd7 come to mind. Whether I b115d989b8 had intentionally ca0c50645f forgotten, or 7b05682ccf whether his c2f5e20425 face had db204f39ef faded carelessly 207dd76326 over the b92a1a061d years, I 5eba8a2dae couldn’t tell 94db53037e for sure. But his face had be9748a08c never come to me 09f57500d5 clearly.d1a87239bf02a94f

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I might 7e7299e735 not remember c7f5ae2134 what his 1d0a2c7e75 face looked 7b511a29af like, but a526ecee78 I remembered 97f8b3e646 the impression d211a26471 of his 4f74c0e76a cool and ee104dc33a kind smile.b1c007171b7c70bd

I remembered aab09d99cc his scent f8db95e683 and voice, a0b40d285b but never a59c1a1d47 his face.781c692d05bb7d83

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“Ah… I 3f42b9ede0 shouldn’t have 99e176248c gone out. Should have 24bce3e76e just stayed 5d1bde2c5d home.”61e4aff13888a2a5

I curled up and a1a065136e sank deeply into the d28e7f4353 sofa.daddf8318ae657eb

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I hadn’t ca52a6146a set the fff725c428 heating properly, 351771e0e1 so the 6acf09495f living room a28bb934a6 felt not ec6ba68780 just devoid 3aaa7a0254 of wind, 024adec1c4 but chillingly 382ee4edcd cold.b954bc3f93aa3204

My body seemed to 4d44114105 cool gradually, and ideally, db18b89f0c I should have gotten 7d218eb499 up and soaked in 99f87bbd17 warm water to maintain 8409125770 my body temperature. But for some reason, 81567afbcd I didn’t want to.4c82f2774f449d2a

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It had been a 385f80f2b1 long time, but I 476c4084d7 remembered huddling in a 2e968850c2 cave in the woods 252daff2e9 in the shape of 13e4023a7a a fox, hiding from 188a8f2f6c the snow during winter.f545d6c6071b3853

I had no plans 3b763fc303 to hibernate, but after ec11917c0f drifting through dreams for f1a77a27c1 a long while, I 60b758b421 awoke to find the 9924bcf0ad ice melted and spring e683ce1bee approaching.f11618b8f3b24926

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Now, I c13f7378d5 felt similarly. If I fell d3c99b7ec0 asleep now and 76a04c9508 drifted into a 3bb5b185d3 deep slumber, I c35bf32b87 might stay for 1833ce1393 a long while, e9dc2b28a4 perhaps recalling the 87fc2ed6e3 faded face in 9672043c20 my dreams.ec15b779d559f076

This was a shallow 364b1c9a66 hope, a last desire 439a4033f2 to see your face d4dc95cbdc again.daf82a9717c34ecc

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If even this e488efd561 time I couldn’t 140e9b6b4e recall your face 55031e7145 accurately, then I 98a6a9b59e should stop trying 895392655b to remember you 3d7e2799d0 and finally bury 20628b32fe you in my b2cf8e4493 memory forever.64c7711e3c1d1888

You were the 98f6633130 one who had 17d13c2586 died, having given 530c922b05 up your precious 43ed0f705a life to become 22035af1e2 human.cae7f3b2ca3cca8a

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I hadn’t actively 2f193517c7 stopped you, but d47c5db6c3 even if I f80e98dd64 had, you would 0d34df424a have stubbornly become 9a5f7769da human to seek dc589885c6 love from that 65fbc60f78 foolish human.0f980d583653ef06

I closed my eyes, c32e080b6f releasing myself into the 81eeb9626d blank darkness where nothing d7450ad3f1 could be seen. I felt 2d96e43acd buoyant, as f9f92f3436 if my b0bebd4a54 body was 9074749021 floating, my ac9069fa59 breathing slowly 4fab3eabab sinking, and 09df760a4f my ears fedbeca4b6 felt blocked.916b9d56aabf1b24

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How long would 7e8683c6ff I sleep? Would warm spring 117c9f70d7 be waiting when f1db53cb47 I opened my d90d9f91ac eyes?9adcf219984ac3f7

I didn’t like the 2cedd6850a cold days. Perhaps a spring 5f0480d1b5 full of blossoming f5731f9e34 flowers wouldn’t be 8d41fe2168 so bad.a476663703ca7e30

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Thanks to the 42d9044f3b neighbor, I had 597ddd9002 chosen deep sleep, 1713cd7e84 but it ensured f9984ae2dc I wouldn’t feel cf600612ac the hunger for f5639af219 a long time.46f7c55d71948e20

It would be 69d9adf15c nice to see 9ba7d4f510 your face today.c33debb27179df08

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