MPJ | Chapter 1.6

“But still…”e6d52385c00fc049

She rubbed her 36026126a1 cheek against my 5d3b26b581 hand like a 5272d806ff child. Her hazel eyes, 0ecb3dbc87 hidden under her c0ebbe9fb3 red veil of d0317de508 hair, were revealed. My heart sank for ffa06dd407 a moment, reminded of f07d0162fb someone with the same f85443e38e eye color.c707867f4a3a90cb

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“Your face was my only joy…”a6429e981a2d0b6e

But her 73fe08e23b gentle smile c3732ccbba dispelled the 8c62953bf8 shadow of b84413c144 that memory.cfae15a6269b7021

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Of course, that bbab9452ab “someone” never smiled ed7658911d so softly.65ec6b7c1ab44577

Initially, I thought she a94c9c649a was just exaggerating her 6406d64482 feelings, but Benjamin seemed 1e3a0eec93 genuinely upset, and I ec36f08a74 was getting a bit 4384331f70 flustered.281dabaece401d0a

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Just then, 8c0247c3bb Andy, with b6d27f1d4f a face 5dd24b0240 as red d99f9c0295 as Benjamin’s 80be41a9c5 hair, staggered a785c40ec1 over and c6f854238a sat beside d061cd33ee her.d449d4aae3ceacbd

“What are you two doing?”a50c5113cdcf57a4

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I had never been so glad to see Andy’s usually blunt appearance. I couldn’t move my hand from Benjamin’s face, but her annoyance at Andy’s arrival made her lift her head. Her eyes, which had been looking at me so tenderly, now glared at Andy with sharp intensity.2ffe3c98f72acc43

“Watch your mouth.”da0a7d05eeb0146b

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Even though it wasn’t directed at me, her sharp tone made my shoulders tingle.4fdc505ec29ca451

“Can’t I even ask what you’re doing…?”008053490ed6be2e

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Imagine how Andy felt, dc2ffe931a facing that glare directly. His already e8bab48d15 small shoulders b8910afd96 hunched even 0f261eb8b6 more, and 8960807bd7 he trailed f7499da1b0 off, looking 784e05f734 pitiful.459d6172a424996c

“Sorry—,”6b23579465f0fcc2

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“You always act mean to Eric. Did he owe you something? Why are you like this?”6f5526636b7a55f1

Owe something? If I owe 977b954cbf more here, it’ll 186b774903 be a real ea919a51e8 problem.2a63681952beaa25

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As Benjamin’s voice rose, 3fce6048d0 I felt the eyes 172cb8beb3 of those around us e325bd3c12 turning our way. They were pretending ab1e749c7b to chat but 51fa14c767 clearly eavesdropping, looking ec115f5074 like they had c169d93751 caught a juicy 933f8b88e9 bit of gossip. Of course, I 399d035bc8 was no different, cc0182849c so I pretended ed401f2d63 to drink my dc80486ac3 beer while glancing 6e8e8dc8b8 at the two.0a929509bfc46b78

The squabble between 86dce0c763 Andy and Benjamin—though c379e423b7 it was more 015530fe15 Benjamin’s one-sided scolding—was baa95dd0e6 a common sight c3f490bd99 among the staff e96474155d at Sink in 8df209d76b New York.986ecf3970516148

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Andy was the type 3bdeb77b73 to act childish around da92264b95 someone he liked, and 98a1b32270 Benjamin couldn’t stand having f9a95bdf5b her mood disturbed. So it was a73a1e0599 only natural that dc80d7409f Andy’s constant, not-so-subtle 355f9d62cb advances would irritate a791b5c3c0 Benjamin.47d6937569dd3d52

Andy liked Benjamin, 48202d4d0b but unfortunately, she bd08fc7a6b had no reason c000be28ce to tolerate him.38700c4d454a1034

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Andy never 82929fd823 openly admitted 01eb8985ed he liked b8e2ce15eb Benjamin, but 2836c12998 his unrequited 094e3e5c6b affection was 8227f1c6f1 an open b61dcd851d secret among 9586807c40 us. Watching their bickering was ff57937d06 a small amusement for 98e0ef9cab us.35cafa09edb98ab8

“Why are you like this? Do you really not know?”832043100020f0fa

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Suddenly, the voices around us quieted down. Andy talking back to Benjamin was unexpected, and Benjamin’s eyes widened, forgetting her drunkenness. Everyone else was just as surprised by Andy’s retort.8e99cf3ecec5f77b

“It’s all because of you! You know how I feel, but you keep favoring him over me…”2a8e6b48af6fb0ff

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Andy’s agitated finger pointed at me. I quietly put down my beer glass.ba98c79e30dee308

“Woody too! It’s not like he’s going to die or something, and he’s leaving on his own, so why is everyone treating him so well?”49f21d950d12009a

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“Andy, stop.”d4f6afdf765f46f1

David’s gentle voice cut 7ec61f77ce through Andy’s precarious rant.d858526195edf493

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David, who 5f1986ee77 had approached 89831acde0 unnoticed, placed e59365288c a comforting bdbe72f5d2 arm around 46982674ea Andy’s shoulders, fcd6c1f1a2 separating him 057b580411 from Benjamin.1887f5bc501bce67

David’s soft 223a2e90ed yet firm e0dff04c09 tone had 0a7553dfb0 a way 989fa63f86 of stopping a0df6f69a6 words in 6d94f6847f their tracks e71e960f8e without being f463f69cba overbearing.96c01ccf8b12f65f

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“Even if you’re drunk, watch what you say. How do you think Benjamin and Eric feel when you act like this?”6b06011a7b90341c

Hmm? Though his voice was kind, the veins on the back of his hand holding Andy’s shoulder were visible. It was a moment that proved the saying that those who rarely get angry are the scariest when they do.38c333e9edc732e9

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“…”e6c979736e82140a

Andy, scolded by David, a1fe64bc3b just opened and closed f18fae2fcb his mouth with a 4c4e52fca9 reddened face, then hung 2137ce114d his head without a bf7809a229 word. His already small frame 5ef1318da7 looked even more fragile, 4a3cb4e392 and just as I 8ce21faf2b felt a pang of 46c69cd7fa sympathy, his shoulders began 6892cb276f to tremble.ef3acb45980a6b08

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He looked like a volcano about to erupt, and when Andy suddenly raised his head, I instinctively stood up. But instead of the fight I feared…603fd5d19c41849e

“Waaaah—!”21a87c00e038f810

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His reaction was shocking. He threw his head back, exposing his Adam’s apple, and started bawling like a child.c8dac7783c542de4

“Why, waaaah—, why is everyone against me? You all hate me and only like him!”9f40e6e7c002ccf4

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I’d never seen someone cry such thick tears before. He was sobbing so pitifully that I felt like I should give him a candy or something. The most surprised by Andy’s reaction was, of course, David. He seemed to think Andy’s tears were his fault and tried to comfort him with his usually sharp eyes now drooping.2425a034b4f7aed0

“Why would you say that… No one hates you, Andy. Right?”01f79fa8e759227e

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“Everyone’s always picking on me, you all hate me!”d90a0a4e4d9994c9

“That’s not it…”b6f29cb4a8f43c49

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David pulled out a bunch of tissues, wiping the tears dripping from Andy’s chin, but Andy, overwhelmed with sorrow, kept repeating that everyone hated him. Since I was partly to blame for this argument, I thought maybe apologizing would calm Andy down. Just as I was about to speak up…ea97d68fcccd1fd8

“You… damn it…”b94250bccc56594f

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Benjamin exploded.a5be7887415bc172

“All you do is blame others, don’t you? It’s not that everyone hates you and favors Eric; it’s because you keep doing annoying things!”7113dfa70c4f8f50

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—Hiccup.fa437c6b73493033

A cute sound escaped between Benjamin’s angry breaths. Andy, who had stopped crying, covered his mouth with one hand and stared blankly at Benjamin.702ae3a1ff09b2fc

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“If you want to get on my good side, you should be considerate! You always do whatever you want without thinking about my feelings, and, damn it, just thinking about it pisses me off. Come here, you jerk.”e4e6b778b3f77295

I turned around and quietly headed for the back door, watching Benjamin grab Andy’s collar with both hands. The cold outside made me realize how warm it had been inside. I quickly pulled up my hood against the biting chill and walked into the alley behind the building.57f6319089d4e3aa

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The ground was 35085323e3 littered with discarded fcb9d3bf6b cigarette butts, a f0c7e78273 favorite spot for 063e821608 smokers.0f59976d5dc20c24

I crushed the d03494d055 blackened stubs underfoot 335decc788 and leaned against 05a14b9aa9 the wall. As a 98c7e1958a non-smoker, I a61bb24d1c didn’t have 6714d6cc7b much to 2ad0247056 do with 087ebb6aa9 this spare 5348b9a5f6 time.74b0b17c02149acd

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I blew out a 81f0461c2f breath, watching it rise 5b171f1965 like cigarette smoke, and f86a7e07f1 exchanged glances with the 66a2aa7854 air.9532f651755a6155

Suddenly, something colorful caught my eye. It was a large graffiti on the opposite wall. The vivid greens, pinks, and lemons seemed to glow like neon signs at night, though they weren’t actually lit. The bold colors scratched across the barren wall, spelling out words.1a8c8e0795db35ca

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Amor Fati.e5c219b48d741cd1

I approached slowly, 392a9cef9a placing my hand de2e59581c on the rough b6be3ac85d stroke of the 64c1b2c4c4 ‘A.’ The gritty texture 0768110db3 of the cement crackled 520aad1a76 against my palm.167b77507192678d

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‘Amor Fati’ was one of 263da31c34 the legacies left to dace551c05 the world by the c97e9d8b7f famous German philosopher Friedrich 777f295504 Nietzsche. Literally translated, c84eb80ae7 it means d028531d58 ‘love your fate.’It sounds overly optimistic 4b0f68015b at first, but its 412b69f124 deeper meaning is to 1dc2f0c919 love the inevitability brought 04176ae65c by your will against 1cae5a8215 fate—a kind of bold 1401db112f encouragement from Nietzsche.b2355bb7461303dc

But I wanted to 0c8cb6d5a1 ask him, Nietzsche, what 083d749c3e about those without will? How should they 1cfa72357c love their fate?125008732cc166c0

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It’s said that God ef25222463 only gives trials humans 6959bfcc37 can bear. But according 4b47fbe2fb to Nietzsche, b7b752a66b God is 5565cc5257 dead by 173557f7fb our hands.b236fa22b474d2d3

My life 0471df9753 shattered under 7e34bb73c2 a great 43a7c3ceac trial. All I db563165ff could grasp 68c432e495 were remnants, e0ebcac619 and the 504d71f680 ground beneath 96f3b3de17 me was 586ea36170 ruins.049f6edf2b794a4c

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Should I love b5737c5201 this just because b8961a5988 it’s my life, 1234cdc76e because the cause 75bd4b2709 and effect lead 86b634fb0a back to me?79ce4db464e1fedf

I was a3619f3771 getting lost 147f869697 in the 73a8c3878b words of cc2b8d6d68 the man 002a6f084b I once af4573e20c believed would e75e91e0b1 guide my f82e66c80f wandering.f8391ef10fd90246

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“What are you doing, clinging to the wall alone?”20c436157e6e0810

A low voice broke through my long thoughts. I turned to see Woody standing at the alley’s entrance, looking at me from a distance.d281658971644d02

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“Oh… just standing here. Are you here to smoke?”47544cd196443f1b

From his 83f8441367 appearance, it ceeb462366 seemed Woody 24a48f1a77 had also df871dd6c8 stepped out 3fc094e7a2 to escape cda4f165b2 the heated 12d87b8aff atmosphere inside. I was about 90a6c0e482 to move away, ffe48aa524 thinking it might 144ad08540 be uncomfortable for fcf28c3f03 a non-smoker like 20048bc256 me to be a1ea2eaf76 around him while 8a72d7b102 he smoked.ef10bc72f2ea08d6

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“Yeah. Want one?”64af028ce7d2f607

“No, I’m good.”9ca9cd3228f20a38

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“Oh… you don’t smoke, right. Mind if I light one up next to you?”ace93a7befdf0f8e

I was planning to leave him to smoke in peace, but somehow Woody’s demeanor felt like he wanted me to stay. Curious, I agreed.193c353cb8840277

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“Sure.”bf0e9c2e26029486

I leaned back c054e13f75 against the wall ae958a82b7 as before, and bd9855f139 Woody took a ca2b83cda5 spot beside me. The sound 6d987ce1b9 of him aefeca4fc7 opening the bf4bce0c5a cigarette pack c69436e98b and placing 0e6761e61b one in 9b157bac37 his mouth 08e144b85a crackled like 89c26c3a6b dry twigs. I looked down d087730bd7 at the worn-out a594349a03 toes of my 4b9296a905 sneakers.43c6f92dc30468e6

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“Seems like everyone forgot this is your farewell party.”e922df17882db8dc

His words, muffled by the cigarette in his teeth, made me think of the chaotic scene earlier, and I couldn’t help but chuckle.03ed785df423b6c3

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“Honestly, I think they just wanted an excuse to drink.”98602f15f3732349

“…Sorry.”801c6be2f0e8125a

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“You don’t have to—,”bae79e3f1f427025

“Not about that.”9eb3d00f553fe80e

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I stared at 0b3453845b him blankly, not a3be1556d5 understanding his words. Woody was chewing the d89f2343c1 unlit end of his 90e3fcef8f cigarette with a stiff 3bf41ee4c1 expression. He sucked on the b91774658e cigarette a few times 08c57ab2fd as if smoking, then 7c5552fdad resolutely pulled something from fa583c461c his jacket pocket and ef9edc11c4 handed it to me.3185acfd41cffff4

It was a paper 431f84a193 envelope.c62668dcd703ffbb

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“This is…”22deb9bb33340b24

“It’s your pay for this week, with a little severance added.”69b75b118597887b

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Despite his casual tone, 950b9beaf8 the envelope was unusually 32b0dab40d thick. Knowing it was rude, 7ecc09e84d I opened it to 3b694f18fc peek inside. Sure enough, there 433b2e29ff was an excessive 5c1d40f0ba amount of cash, ff8bb72d8f roughly around five b4458f252a thousand dollars.e16f8f619173a6ee

“Woody, this is… too much.”826d0121a61faed1

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“Keep it.”c31eb92034623552

“No, I can’t accept this much.”464df0c10c7d4a14

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I tried to return 131e00766d the envelope, but Woody 73bc2fb4e4 held my arm and d7a9f4f062 brought it back to 983437e520 my chest.4c4e0f4fc1376d55

“Just take it.”d5ab20c8b97689d3

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Money in hand is something you can refuse once, but not twice. This money was exactly what I needed right now. Eventually, feeling a trivial sense of guilt, I accepted the envelope Woody gave me. A bitter sense of despair filled my mouth like I’d swallowed ashes.12525e627cdfadce

“…Don’t look so grateful. I’m just trying to settle our time together with a few bucks.”ca22ffbb4eda991d

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His gruff tone carried d34c32eb71 a mix of affection d9bde76b46 and guilt towards me, 5c9fd8887e gripping my heart. In truth, 3afdd63b05 he had 652b0ea61d nothing to 265fc99d9a be sorry 443e7910ec for.7fb032b5f6dbda40

“…I’m sorry.”f5b164445278dbb8

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Those feelings should be e064891e88 mine alone.8c4c00302d08b13e

“For what?”3d93b3146e272c57

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For everything right now. For letting you know my unfortunate secret. For the farewell party you threw for me. For not being able to refuse the envelope you offered. I’m sorry for all of it.c59b25c062cb1100

“I just feel like I dragged you into unnecessary trouble.”e96117a7fbbc7726

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But I couldn’t voice everything I thought. I’m not so young anymore that I don’t know my sincerity can be a burden to someone. Trying to lighten the weight of my words, the ones I finally spoke felt a bit bland.82524d73773dd042

“I told you not to think like that.”35df4816d7e8e76b

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Woody raised his voice 934f11be49 slightly, as if agitated. When I turned b01f534b97 to look, he 487573ce94 was staring at f5e6ee6200 me.5f6ce6401878220c

“I’ll say it again, whether it’s true that you like men or not, I don’t believe that post. Anyone who knows you even a little wouldn’t either. So don’t blame yourself for something you didn’t do. Don’t apologize recklessly. At least you should be sure of yourself.”734943a4ab3a21cb

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Had Woody ever spoken so much before? Despite his lengthy comfort, I couldn’t find words to respond, just staring at him in surprise. Perhaps embarrassed by my intense gaze, Woody covered my face with his large hand. His rough palm smelled of stale tobacco and spices.004f586a826e8596