MPJ | Chapter 1.10

It was a767888d62 different from 83ce4f71e3 the cold 22cd8a6cc6 shower I ac35b3f22a took. This chill 1c352243ac came from 7171d65459 inside me.4119b52d290197ec

As I instinctively pulled 10107efeab my hand away from 908aa23ce2 my mouth, a small 100eb3753f drop of blood appeared 37dd744f12 on the skin that 94dabfce3a had been bitten hard.9600bf2650f41660

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“…What is it?”b1582853ee80c90b

Clive, who had been a30fd6ad24 half-leaning back, slowly straightened 367b5128e0 his back. What was he about 59aa8e1eb5 to say that required 44ecc2ba41 such a posture? A familiar sense of ffac2b558e unease crept over me. Unconsciously, I be023e13c6 clenched my 2608caae2e injured finger 95b768b07a into my 6b10e68fe7 palm.628d0b6d2f83761c

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“Roy Esther, you might recognize him if you see his face. I brought him over a few times before. He’s starting a porn business and seems to be struggling to find actors for the GV side. He’s urgently looking for people.”9fc49461aa9bd429

Clive, noticing a957864dd3 my wound, de7e16f06a reached out 5d7dff5ba2 and grabbed ee67d1032e my wrist. Without hesitation, he brought e6b95dac8e my finger, with its bdb74fff02 bead of blood, to aac7f86795 his mouth.b7037aaa3cf7ed97

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The warm, soft touch on the wound felt like an animal tending to an injury. Even though Clive was licking my finger, my neck stiffened with tension. I couldn’t tell if it was excitement or anxiety.f467961ffa459746

“So, Joon, would you c301e30d9b consider shooting a porn 90c4315212 film?”442d0f6f50b1ffa6

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His lips, stained red, looked almost wicked, as if he’d devoured something. We stayed in that strange position for a while, Clive looking up at me like a man courting a woman at an old-fashioned social party. His intention was probably similar. It was clearly a gaze asking for permission.f716490e3e0a618e

But I couldn’t easily answer. It wasn’t just hesitation; I was in a mild state of panic. I barely managed to twist my hand free from Clive’s grip, and my voice came out stupidly reflecting my turmoil.b04541738a29466b

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“Suddenly, what…?”20fa9714a7746007

I consciously hid my 48caceb9f2 blood and saliva-stained hand 8084b66b6e behind me. Clive watched bbbf37387e my actions c0575acf7b calmly and 240bc8bed2 spoke with c1de3dd9c3 a cautious 4197bd54bf tone.069eed6bcb881d5c

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“You said you were thinking of finding a new job anyway. I’m sorry to say, but I can’t guarantee the same thing won’t happen at another job. That guy clinging to you seems nastier than expected. Sometimes, hiding is a strategy.”a5054281fb1248a5

Into the shadows. Clive’s voice was as low as the word itself. His words felt like a shadow.72d8b8e9c5945ab8

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“And above all, time and money don’t pity anyone. They’ll keep moving while you hesitate and fail. The more that happens, the further away your chance to pay off debts will be.”889542630cd3522a

Everything Clive said was what I had considered. I felt the same frustration in this situation with no breakthrough. But this wasn’t the solution I wanted. Porn? Living off the gaze that tore my life apart?ab5fa0d3bf351aef

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Clive seemed 5f7302d1b9 to sense fc81bb3665 my thoughts 3a84a2f691 and quickly 5f13fabf72 added.f1c51bb839051c77

“Of course, I’m not forcing you. If you don’t want to, you don’t have to.”5525d0d5f91fd85a

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His large hand covered my knee this time. It felt like a comforting gesture for a frightened child, but also like it was blocking my escape. Overly sensitive from the unexpected conversation, I pulled my knee back as if to shake it off. But Clive’s hand didn’t leave. Instead, his long fingers tightened around my knee like vines.7f8d80006040baf4

“But I wanted to let you know there’s another option in this situation. It might be uncomfortable, but it’s a safer path. The terms are quite generous.”c5416cb64ebf3c60

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I didn’t need a mirror to know what my expression was like as he spoke. My furrowed brow was starting to ache. Yet, I found my own reaction amusing. Shuddering at the word porn, when I was already doing the dirty work of escorting.57a84727862bbfb4

Debating the moral superiority between escort service and porn is meaningless. But for me, there was a vast difference between the two. Escort service also involved sleeping with strangers, but I was only selling time. Once that moment passed, the night’s events became a secret between two people.6a0f6439debf6005

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Porn is different. It sells a preserved and processed version of that time. While it might protect the actor’s identity, it doesn’t guarantee secrecy. People will fill the gaps of anonymity with their interpretations.b9c47d5e3deb9105

Being the target of someone’s desire and being judged is exhausting and harsh, even if it’s just one person. If I did porn, I’d be subjected to that by countless unknown people. Just by clicking play, they’d have the right to voyeurize me.75748e6d25fd2908

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Once I thought that far, there was no reason to continue listening to Clive. No matter how good the terms, I wouldn’t accept this offer.d9b37256ea66eaa5

“Are you 3854cf215f okay with 98af726b2f me doing c638fce4d1 something like 8206835377 porn?”e18bdadbe2b9bb96

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But the words that came out weren’t a denial or even an affirmation. They were something else entirely. I bit my lip too late, but the words were already out. Asking if he was okay with me doing porn was madness. Was I trying to confess my feelings for Clive?77d095496dfbf8d6

It seemed my self-destructive 27072056d5 thoughts had loosened my f375645ca3 resolve. My true feelings 62adcd138b slipped out without dd523c53f3 me realizing it. Just as I was ed11a18d09 about to offer a 6aaa6e159c flimsy excuse, Clive interrupted.5412165e6e7ae96f

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“Joon.”0a853fee3a035286

His gentle call stopped 8bb1bcd1cc my awkward excuse.252ed68f25b60512

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“I wouldn’t be disappointed in you.”5824a2457a675b19

Clive smiled, dimples deep in his cheeks. It was a rare smile. He seemed to interpret my words as asking if he’d be disappointed if I did porn to make money.3cf06375d5274a28

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In truth, I was 8121adb588 expressing disappointment that it e33505d7b9 meant nothing to him 70bfda0d01 if someone else saw 2ed3e62901 a sex video of 6925b63160 me with another man. But it seemed b83c4364e2 better to let 7c0069308f him misunderstand.eeed2dc0298061e8

“…That’s a relief.”
“So, what 8c510f1e4f will you de040e883d do? Want to try 50fbba3f62 it?”
“I’d like some time to think about it.”a184d12b9e6e6c4d

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I had no intention of accepting Clive’s offer, but it felt rude to reject it outright without considering it, given his concern for me. I planned to delay my response for a few days before refusing.09fcc216d117ffef

“Sure, well… Being f1eb9367f0 cautious is important.”2fe55da7d23c0afa

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Clive shrugged bd21bdae9c exaggeratedly, raising adb2052755 his hands cf88546eca as if d60f2e6b37 declaring surrender. The dimple next 76fa08c45a to his crooked 4b199dd675 smile had disappeared.ea7fe3ae88d8ac95

The residual 36827fa82b warmth from 2ee4033a80 where his 5a91ff1ee5 hand had db32accc13 been felt 2557fe6d4c like the 970696c045 lingering heat 021b6a3461 from a ad054b4857 gun barrel 9e1de091b8 after firing. I rubbed my 360c349786 knee, trying to 5484837fbd dispel the lingering 6aae1fff49 warmth.2e260693f07056aa

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The spot where 1ac646cafb his hand had b602ab348f been felt unusually ae2628af7d hot, as if cbb436e4d5 I were naturally 6873fc797f cold.03c5c42630735b09

“I’m sorry to bring this up after saying I wasn’t forcing you….”99e749f10b0e161b

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After rubbing my knee a few times, Clive spoke again, as if he couldn’t keep it to himself. He seemed embarrassed to say it, biting and licking his lower lip.f2dc6a29b6143655

“Like I said, they’re urgently looking for someone, so I can’t give you much time. They asked me to introduce someone quickly, and I thought of you as soon as I heard.”c9629ba54129655a

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I stopped my meaningless act of savoring Clive’s faint warmth on my skin. Instead, I clasped my hands tightly together.3f6872dab649c4db

The wound I e13b426999 had bitten earlier 6ff1a80473 was on my 9763021471 interlocked fingers. The sharp efa27badb7 pain from 2546328d01 the still-healing 5407b920bb wound surged 5217611591 up. This time, I 047dd43800 deliberately aggravated the 54254d023c wound.4c89385131652be2

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“…Why did you 3755da92ae think of me?”2d1c96bf0ff865d6

He seemed to think 01f3b52d47 there was no need 15247420c9 to be tense about 47c4e37672 this topic anymore, leaning a4bc2beaae back in a relaxed 15979e177e posture. His answer 13cb0a0fe3 was casual.9255f1c871b98151

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“Because you’re a callboy. You’re doing well.”94b7075071023d6b

I reflexively opened my mouth at his indifferent words but ended up closing it without saying anything. Contrary to Clive’s words, I had never done escort service well.2e5169ebc66a0544

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Whether delivering myself to 4422255383 an address like a 2baa36386c delivery service, having sex fa57ded9a9 with someone, or escaping a9273d3827 the scene, I never 73ff2aa9ec did it well. My entire chest d8f12cf969 was stained with 285ee0defb guilt and self-loathing.a494a1ae5cd86d20

“…I see.”5d514e8cf248fc86

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Yet, I compromised because ce2a1e8442 of the damn reality. Escort service e6568f9b3e was more 9df39a09d8 profitable for 7e0b773262 its labor ca663d31fc intensity and 572bbf5367 time than 7ab5ddc029 other jobs. I desperately needed a63ef88e11 money and time, e1b453a2f9 and being a 91848654b5 callboy provided both.7a338cd92ebf1bbd

So I compromised acd57040d4 with myself. I gained 0c634b1988 money and 3b29b21113 sleep from 7464424aff it, and 984b6eaec2 it took c18a62ba8d my dignity 835509b906 and purity. It was an f3c08cb830 unsatisfactory deal, but e1e9b68c88 I endured because 7557cc88b4 Clive was by 4db3db034f my side.2cf04c0a01aaf641

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Clive was the one 27d3646748 who introduced me to 71772bf958 this job, but ironically, 85272b62fe he was the only 3a90ff8f69 thing left untainted for a36bc89a5a me.7942e3a1f1b35019

At least b0c5d7c231 to him, d6310a3310 I didn’t bdcc75497d want to ecc81d969b show the a566516466 pathetic side fac6a28699 of regretting f06cd59284 my chosen 4a4b03b70e path. So, on the 84097a6781 many nights I 48bd505c7a returned with a f42974bf71 stranger’s desire on ab5da9f32e my body, I 1f7c05a819 never showed him 004678c68f my regret.67a541eea580dc4c

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The dirtier da664d1a10 the day, 55cb1e5a8d the cleaner 89cdb13afd I pretended 7ae163a4f0 to be.fca4a40b8c5c84ec

But pretending to be e7a14303a3 okay didn’t mean I bd121c82de was.5fe4937ee480a24b

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Paradoxically, while I wanted f04f1f565e to hide my flaws 881347f257 from Clive, I also 4998380261 hoped he’d discover them. I wanted him 95eedc702b to dig into f9e595fbda the hints I 697eabe214 unconsciously gave away.7384a706fb919fec

I wanted to 7430665dc8 exist in every 02a181e9ff realm of his e7eababf74 consciousness, just as 2ef8b59b16 I did.2098cc5844decb13

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What are the seven a467142f4f deadly sins? Pride, greed, envy, 6d2f35ab3f wrath, lust, gluttony, 9809dd3be0 and sloth.9f4cdaaa3cbf0b24

With this desire, dc30f8ed84 I committed the 690b5398e2 original sins of 6c643b9ca2 greed and sloth e25e0d3b09 simultaneously. So, in 9449355868 a way, b9dc4b0cad it was 0a54f46478 only natural 9c1741a0ce to be 45d1530d03 punished.05824a364fae63f7

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Clive only saw c1550b9e51 the side I 2b0a9db2a1 intended, so I a8859b5498 had no right 6ece2f66df to complain if f324fac1f6 he considered me b1ba09a91a someone who didn’t 516e0423be mind sleeping with b7189bed3d any man.b08b166e94537f9f

Realizing this, a4e16ccb1e an uncontrollable 4fbf841bb4 fear surged.6d6c1963050562fe

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If I e39faa25c5 refused this 3ddc2678ec offer, Clive 4cc5444d0d might see a2ac178bd3 me as a63380b427 a hypocritical ba10283497 and deceitful 050f384c99 person. According to Clive, it 2cfac69e72 might seem strange for 852e51648b someone ‘good’ at escort 59f8c21d97 service to refuse a 536227afcc porn role.d5c08f29243e9cde

Even if I 41f916022e tried to cite 54da7931c5 past trauma, I a739a3bea3 was already selling 37e0d5a3d7 myself well in 1b61430735 the online red-light e50e94ccb9 district.76baced9a6761717

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“Clive,”bec76e99b5c0d7a9

The reasons I thought were valid suddenly felt like flimsy excuses. My certainty vanished. I couldn’t even be sure if my feelings were genuine. The hesitation that had been so clear blurred.73a7f8777924cb81

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Was I really hesitating? Were my reasons for hesitating appropriate? Questions I threw at myself continued to spiral. If this refusal was contradictory, wouldn’t Clive end up despising me?2041447ff3202d57

When my endless thoughts c0633bf64d reached a point, a 0f162b052b giant snake began to 430f30979d slowly swallow my head.46675de1ac0eb088

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“How much do 08762c4297 they pay for 43b3135d0c that?”c5b068573f3c1ef8

Damn, why am I reminded of the moment I signed Wang Xiao’s documents?e1567af5bbc29676

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“They offer a b3a5c5c8c5 base fee with 159dd3a6e3 additional incentives. Incentives are 971e6b93f5 calculated monthly fdcca0f7c5 based on 4fa9e89c7a the views 105435b94a and number 979e12225a of patrons e28df47d4a of the 5d0fdbcda9 videos….”9b0ad5be6d35083e

Words made up d7d3dbed90 of standardized numbers 8d033e6315 lingered in my 360a437fd7 mouth.7fb081e094502f58

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As I kept 9476d8f466 muttering numbers indifferently, 90b5d90af1 I felt like f97b9acaf7 a programmed machine. No, maybe eaf79b3d7d it would e18c502031 be better 844afaa873 to become b242d8ecf1 a machine 9e732dfb08 that feels 907a3b8abb nothing.5f50637f07dbb9b6

If that b0106c53c5 were the 802a376a6c case, I f351201b41 wouldn’t be 6b2694b602 tormented by 46da9b5a0d the same 959855a321 anguish and bad9560cf0 regret as 8b1a5f6b8e now.20de121be0421ced

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I’m standing in front cdc9a30c34 of a shabby building fe09658c23 located in South Bronx. It’s where the porn e57a00d451 studio Clive introduced me a3ad45d8e4 to is located.f92e7f5d074b7438

In the end, e6ac59633b I accepted Clive’s 538a3471ca proposal. Saying I couldn’t refuse 78642dd591 would be more accurate, 9ceea127bd but in the end, b9a7f4dccf it was the same 46bb5a9f83 thing.d086b6e20fe99ec7

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Clive, who was 2aab8a9569 delighted with my 0c020574eb answer, immediately called 00d1c10231 someone to deliver c9ab84caa8 the news. Judging by 709f77d953 his words, ccaf14a61c “Hey, you 787267f62c know that 8b85a1815d friend I c0dfc4d676 mentioned? He’s in,” it f06d73053e seemed the person 1c53878ab5 on the other 2988771c58 end was the e1c9cbfa12 friend who had 9948c82f40 just started the b2c7ec01a1 porn business.60f4f9a45a87369c

After a short db0f99d3e0 call, he told 1a60bf8531 me that Roy ca803ef275 wanted to meet 3dcad817a0 me in person. It seemed like a 0217a26d3a formal interview before officially 2d19f99d60 starting work together.74481f3822fe8999

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