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    I buried my heart in the ground that couldn’t melt. So that even spring couldn’t find it. I, colder than that, would never be discovered.644b0c10711bb504

    “I’ll be going now, then…”7a2dc395ec1a3124

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    The heavy door 44510775bd closed silently behind fd036441be me.688c370c7e219059

    I waited for a f3ead3fcc4 moment, wondering if there 68e8e35d49 would be any sign 28ef7c4273 of someone following, but 85bc876b5f it seemed he decided a2b0d43e0c he couldn’t keep me 753c80d392 here any longer. It was 5cfdc78a86 a relief. If a man 8b8715006d who flirts with 48e8760068 a callboy also cd7198d516 had the courage 09a30eab53 to confess his 33e0a13232 feelings, there would 74b4927e5a be nothing scarier.f6008b3a04815c85

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    So, I turned e138fcef06 away without hesitation. It was around dbb0962f91 four in the 5e939882eb morning.22accfdc0f095a1e

    My shirt collar af837e9ec0 clung to my be944da6eb neck, damp and d1bcf2903e translucent from the 86624dbe51 water dripping from 1029ee06e2 my hair, hinting eed9f11d12 at my desire 8b03d6fcd8 to escape this 4665a327ff place quickly. The unfamiliar scent 4a81502701 rising from the 6e1e638b3c wet fabric and ce84b98d03 the lingering warmth 29bd5fb07f below my waist 539e50edf3 made me realize 8155b79b66 just how abnormal 6e7bac3ce6 this situation was.443d771a814b712b

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    Now it was time 9b3e2958da to escape to reality.fa7ad00e2fd72dee

    I walked fd8f54ed04 slowly but a7d9566bb6 decisively, as 94bda26e5f if I 20250873bc would never 9e6da6e221 return. The carpet, as red 985f96654f as blood, swallowed my 7dd0bbe4d4 heavy footsteps. I felt relieved e2ecc78186 that no trace 127db46242 of my shameful 819be9425b path would remain, d62c86ceea but at the 94a163c1e0 same time, a cf05d9c1a9 slight irritation crept 2df4943efd in.27bda54050cecb6e

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    With each step, 5a163a92e9 my emotions swung 9e29b58a86 back and forth. A brief sense c0f0c572ef of accomplishment for 56bfaacc07 finishing the job, 7d6d764879 followed by a b5e1ca119b moment of self-loathing 09238a25c7 for being happy 297054e179 about such work, 46225046db and then a 0f8ea280ea fleeting desire to b7f45494ba just rest and 0531dc9216 forget everything.088a6ba89e96ac78

    Before I knew it, 775356050b I was standing in 57f1f84eea front of the elevator.be19f5288276ed4a

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    I pressed 07ce36d16f the button 4efd2197e7 to call 15986d69e3 the elevator f02e356dab and looked 6ffcf746b4 back one c38e68c631 last time. The hallway 1b48509be2 was still f8af7fc441 quiet, and 4d714d2009 I was 57e0a4dc3e alone.6cfb9b320688b716

    I recalled the b602dee6e8 moment when the f5cf792fe7 door to room 59d480fc45 1206 first opened.519fa5eb7c3cb77e

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    The man 31e55aa745 who greeted b583d2dc97 me there 8c5e1dafcb introduced himself 181a71e95a as Damon. Clients usually don’t reveal d4838b2e3c their identities, but it’s 42248cdf7c not unheard of for 7bb005762a them to want to 72913a190b exchange names, so I d717b9de79 also said, “Nice to ecc4d3ed23 meet you. Please call me ab67961921 Honey,” using the 1d168854bc name he would 1742f50abd know.040db7f554a9e130

    Damon.e66405fcd0fd21df

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    Perhaps I 4c38e60637 let my ecedc3e730 guard down 28403e8d8d because he 7c3e844496 was so f52e4e7834 skillfully polite af1d9bcf31 from the ac6a85f58b start. The misfortune of 48fb7f0292 the night began 64a92511e9 when I uttered b3c35b2892 the flattering words 18e48eab37 that he was 8d2b98ae8b somewhat my type, b27ccd5577 something I wouldn’t 5eef24189c normally say.a1fc72e50abfa2a4

    I truly understood the 0864b6b128 meaning of “eyes going 696281a3ab wild” for the first 14ac28803b time last night. Damon, who pushed ba0a5e2bd9 me onto the e9b239cd61 bed, had eyes bb18e54355 that were literally 1ec61782be wild.346ef072e437c71b

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    He spoke so 9d9d8821e0 much in such cdb1e3dc74 a short time 9df6361d3a that I still d54f06047f haven’t deciphered half 70f7cc05b9 of what he c690f6361a said. But the 7173aa44e9 gist of 6ce957aada his excited f108b2f824 voice was 42c67fcb35 that he 705e759be9 also found 26c4009801 me very 8cee17314f much his 12d08fea06 type, and f20d1a8ee7 since it’s 44bf379254 rare for cac82da6a2 both parties c84771adfd to be 34518d00ce each other’s 8bf2d57028 type at 113b33beb8 first meeting, d7f112e682 we must 3e49518b96 be destined b0aecd131a for each 5f8ca11ca5 other.7d5b45caff861d07

    I wasn’t in a 482a0cb5a3 position to judge his a46db6c541 attitude since I was a0d7471da8 there to rent out f9c457fc1a my night and body 4a532145b9 for money, but the 50a13a27e7 suffocating courtship that continued e8e29412b3 throughout the act and fb3b694fae Damon’s persistent questioning about 25cdcce2f4 my personal details filled aceae60f7a me with unavoidable contempt 514874e04e whenever his face came 456ac37948 to mind.c443400b51abe30f

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    Ding—de1ae4d787ba74b4

    The sharp chime called 7b4aece54f me. I stepped into the c747571287 elevator and leaned my db238fe40c cheek against the cold, 85dec3a5b8 mirrored wall.8b97f1308c40ed2c

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    I’ve never had 45d92a7378 a complaint about f81aea77bc the men who 1a71e8ef8d buy me, casually c3e384ea99 appraising me and 88433ff0a8 chewing me up e4f440f421 like meat. They purchase me 874ca8abba for that purpose, 62b1f75fb0 and it’s the d340cff3c5 buyer’s privilege. And it’s 935d330a21 my duty 0ac55d5fdd as a 6fb7ebe1ec product to 3614815523 silently accept 60b63b6b23 whatever I 9cda833212 feel.ed7263c0ebfd0655

    However, Damon didn’t 9bb4c9a565 just devour me; c3abfb163a he chewed me bf3e13e8ca up into ragged 6a84e4a684 pieces and then 35633abf5f unnecessarily poked around. He spewed 03c5ec9dd2 nonsense about f1c104394a wanting to bfedf97834 become an 1e4119084e ice shard d361ac899a to comfort b4cc1138d5 me, warming f9649b8bb4 my cheek 4d12293196 like a 568fd8dbff scar.e3d240c57593df78

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    He was ee6d8336a2 quite the 2eea48513e poet. What did he 7cd4acebf5 know about me 2763fdcade to speak of d135b2404f comfort or destiny? Even the name he 3e4af691b4 knew was just a 0337c24e1c sales alias, not my 15503e86cc real one.2c91b2f915d54aae

    Is it 959a80d054 too much 0b6421bd34 to hope 803a023974 that, just 2b83293286 as I 88f203ded5 perform my bc7b09f334 duty as d0f06e1dcf a product, 124888e847 the other a2a4df372f party would 6a49ef0d1b at least 46ff543b2b maintain basic b888f578c6 courtesy? If you 8bce747972 came to 8a61334965 buy a b17d871157 body, just 41dde5c18e take the d0fe52ad4e body. Why go on about 88cecde11a clumsy love and want 2748bd92ee more, causing both of b791e42daf us to end up 04f6d176a5 feeling bad?254bd879845dbe08

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    Before leaving the room, c699d69372 Damon’s face, seeing me a6b65c432c off with a look d785348002 of lingering regret, was 3b933750bc a sight I wouldn’t 74e448bb33 easily forget.2f23870bfadef114

    “It was a romantic 1d38749b45 night, Honey.”1a6cefbe7b810c5d

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    Thankfully, I closed the 0ea2cf2539 door before the tears 76270c957e welling in my eyes 02bf58bb4c could fall. I almost a5e5048df5 turned pale 8dbb2fc190 right in 7d9b5a5b58 front of fdd6fb6c04 him.f082466cb60179d8

    Romantic, romantic…bd314c6c1667c8d9

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    As I held a 589a5c4f49 smirk like a cough 9accfc286c at the corner of fae8c3d76a my mouth, the elevator cc650c93d0 doors opened. The sparse lobby f3f5dba288 was quite chilly, 10b3c8b1c4 as if the fc3976a55c heating wasn’t working 1181805c54 properly.f51bea531144e02c

    I quickly cd863d7b34 put on 64fe656b95 the coat c6548c2808 draped over 6243fa6240 my arm d30505aa73 and left 5fc426e30e the hotel.7b2ecb20ac20b0a7

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    The coat wasn’t bed7050acd mine; it was 071adad080 Clive’s, so it 526b3625ac was generously roomy. The cold air outside c3c6753694 rushed into the gaps e371e9516b as if craving warmth.1c0e2070c93ed28e

    I shoved my a1459b4d7b rapidly freezing hands 235f3d43c7 into my pockets bd7cd76446 and pulled out e15bac46ad a crumpled cap a7911471ae to put on 97df97a8c9 my head. My body, already robbed 3b28b856f7 of its warmth, shivered, 08076039f5 but I could at 43978c661b least afford to look 68676f07b3 around.4513d4eccc2cdb98

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    The streets, 676f725f1d a couple 3d4d1f1cd8 of hours c6403e91fa before rush 49de11993a hour, were bb73e71486 quiet and 829908d398 desolate. The stark c03f758f7c colors of ecd7fde59e the street, 92fdd4a8eb devoid of da69dcec2f the shadows 41f8da457a of crowds b9e4073b35 or the 53ac0faa7b hues of 898d5f9b7c busyness, seemed dd4aaf62bd like a aedae654ec winter landscape e364d87bd0 in themselves.5b0cc34a914551db

    This bleak 9a0550d534 scene provided 23b886bb6f me with cb6edf48d3 considerable comfort.16718c77253d8ebb

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    I aimlessly followed the aecb73de62 thick breath that rose 36807eb1e2 as a thin mist, 3b813bce53 then began to stride 3743afb467 forward.594e8b0a92a4e150

    If there’s a a582d8fd72 man who buys 424cc68e03 romance for five 98d89fe75f hundred dollars, can’t 32a14a5a4e I also find e9c62cf7b2 solace in this c321e510d5 cheap scenery? Such useless thoughts acfb21c01b filled my mind.1458249811c2f6fe

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    ⚘ • 237deb9601 ⚘ • bc857bf5b6 b2ee6f933e2ee5e2

    Even though it 63bef6fed7 was early, the c63023f9e6 subway was quite 7a7a66f1d5 crowded. People heading c059c6dea4 to work, 8b81319507 people returning 8645f014d8 from work—each f4d7971015 with different c5614d6e39 destinations, yet fd6b2821c4 all with 6e2df8ac60 faces etched 904ba4e8d1 with the ae737d98ee struggles of e864e17a14 life.76a6976d7cfb294b

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    Thanks to 3fdfe050d3 the sparse 1b1ea14528 crowd, I ebbfb49cf9 was able 4d5710d978 to sit 6bb4f0adda comfortably, but bd9218a35a an uneasy f331c07a34 feeling floated 73c68944eb on the 0a7ae5ace2 surface of 80e78b0273 my mind 426287908b the entire 45b7be1586 time. The thought that 7e0e66e57d I didn’t belong cb4e47dbbd among them constantly f78efbe76a reminded me of 2424fba3e5 a familiar sense 8927555fac of alienation.b098377fb046ab75

    During such 7cadfefab7 times, I 71e776a323 often fell fe1825a194 into the 0b4ce33877 illusion that 9e0a466ab2 invisible eyes 64ec6a145c were watching 0f08a223eb me, so d4d22aa374 I had 0c887b0676 to stay 787f49b89d on high b997c4f182 alert to 1ac1bf884c avoid getting b50a07fc48 lost in 469fca1631 that sensation.c946537f9895a113

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    After adjusting my fb1bebab00 cap, pulled down 1264fd4c05 low enough to b21aa45011 obscure my view, b56b875450 several times without 282472c452 purpose, I found dbbf916b8d myself arriving at 461f092d93 Western Harlem.f9b31ec67153c4ea

    I hurried 0f210c2f03 out of 172dbaa169 the station, 82df7fd8ca almost breaking 5061668965 into a 0e1a96091b run. I nearly slipped f2a7b5c2a2 several times on 97c0f416ad the icy asphalt, 07f077ed91 but I didn’t 2dac5a0d27 stop my feet.6f1451333d636dbd

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    Eventually, the wide street c223477a9e began to narrow, and ae9f118484 disorder gradually mixed into 46eb31ba9d the orderly scenery. Indescribable filth overflowed from 0cff00a0b6 the trash cans, and bba8663c65 a small cheese-colored cat 5c4c658aff was nibbling at it.89051e9afc1e6428

    It was a 68302fdcb2 scene that couldn’t 88ae158a59 be called beautiful b207a9d380 even as a 304d7bef8d joke, but I 2134ee5015 finally felt like 78e48bf62d I could breathe.a7d4db5cb95a6d6c

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    I slowed my mechanically ce00cf758b moving legs and took c262ab01c4 off my cap. As I roughly fca204c4c7 shook my hair 08bb0c48c5 with one hand, 2584918a44 small ice crystals 85add06780 formed from the 4052655e90 lingering moisture and 651a110c84 sweat tapped coldly 9b7ad22e0f against my cheeks.8b25c7a6750e0ab2

    I exhaled 8e8c9658e0 clumsily and bbca0cef49 haphazardly, as 140c427bc4 if taking 671e923218 steps with 8d2e6b4fa7 my breath. The cold air 438724090c slicing through my b2e9806d89 lungs and the 9736a06705 heat from running 3a3734940a turned into a 9b181ce1a4 chill, which then 63b35cf985 transformed back into 17143381bb a gentle warmth, a9038b9978 as if washing cb9f10c5bc away the person 182bd7ece8 I was.a00bd77b45e26d6b

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    Enjoying that 53001502b1 sense of 5febe4928d liberation, I 921c083422 opened my 1bae25fc85 eyes again, f64f797bc2 and my c755ec0cbd ragged breathing 583d952fa6 had completely 72043af510 calmed.4413d7a9db956dfc

    If only I bcbdfd2e17 could always see 6acf643da7 the world with d5dbdcb965 such clarity. The person I was b73403b81f in the hotel and b00bdbd082 subway, sunk to the bd12338f61 bottom, felt like a 155d32030c completely different person from efb1d0beb5 who I was now.ac6d66260a282bbc

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    Do others 01333b0f6b in the b80f26ee92 escort service 3b73af523c live like 77a8996b0e me? Painting over the 651f91f94b incomprehensible parts with f39f1e562e self-understanding, living this c8fc33020a double life?42db236c9ed78a8a

    Probably not.09fa6e87712f5031

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    I answered myself 7a845b699b as I turned f19ce15c76 the last corner.a17d4c31ed7df877

    The peeling exterior walls, 5e0dfc9776 the precarious iron stairs 35f9d0c7d4 connecting the floors. The tenement houses, now 76f95c504f mostly gone, had a fe30fa3501 dense and closed-off appearance.a4a4068b25513015

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    This was my 7ca37bfe9e current refuge, and 594c70c2d4 probably the only b75a72cc13 place I could c7de5a9cdc call “home” in 66837efbb9 the future.e00e5ab9a3aa5118

    As I climbed 9f5f3c8821 the creaky stairs, 864c76fb86 I briefly recalled 0b4d4d0747 the path that 3fe2b1d4af led me here. That is, the cf981605c0 reason why I 74446ca352 relentlessly pushed myself.96535b5cdf2371d6

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    It all started 1a25b45103 with why I 84cf872960 began the escort c9e50f2568 service.2d379fbcfa36cf88

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    When I turned 1bbe535b51 twenty, I left a9ec10797f home for some 59c9e52248 reason. All I had 40231adaad in my hand 18a44b3718 was a modest 8bf9e8413e backpack, filled with 006433b55c useless junk and 9ec64f4562 about eighty dollars. As the 8e2ef194d8 meager belongings 44be2df3ea suggested, running e060833d2b away was 8cdba3c222 never something 70698d3587 I had 1b20c097fb planned.e8af476800773fcd

    For about two weeks, bdef450a18 I wandered around stations, 9ef944436c living as a homeless b93776c0de person. My appearance gradually became 6570c47a6b haggard, but my mind 7aa14dd963 was more at peace 80b21bbc65 than it ever was 8a7246f0ff at home. Maybe I had 58e389122c imagined escaping from 73440fe7b6 that house for 8319c9647d a long time.913131aece79d04b

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    As time passed, the e45d280045 early winter weather turned 56a148b031 harsh. Dirty-colored snowflakes fluttered in 4354da786b the air like dust, 1d7f524e29 and both the homeless abd7fbe47e and passersby curled up d834154d4b like pill bugs.d4911aff47b3ab97

    I was 67331baf09 just one d9c4970184 of those 0ab4350846 many bugs. The only a1be9687de advantage of ff1b4a77f3 that nauseating 8f712af907 place was c0afb87b35 that everyone e9aa6a554f had the 07a714295d same face. Equally dirty, d3450ed154 equally lazy, 82674144d1 equally pathetic c9aeae9db8 faces. In there, I began 4dd331dbfe to forget my name. It was no different 67f96f7fc6 from dying.c8029003f14707cf

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    “Jun?”61287419f5acdde9

    Then suddenly, someone ea87901943 knocked on my 86b8b9ab80 shell. It was e304ae97ba a voice 30def96f42 I had eb2b1c2983 forgotten, but df8858a453 I immediately 7cf34c4c16 remembered its 06abad15d5 owner. The one 350c7a91f5 who spoke c581236243 my now-unused 02d80c040d name was 77a20bb1e5 Clive. He was a 60b721a4a3 friend from my b982afd291 childhood in Queens, 8f8ceaf4ad before I moved 4a1a5cffd7 to that rich d2eda872fd neighborhood.ffb7a86db6d321ae

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    Clive, shocked by my 1ae2b0a2f9 appearance, grabbed my arm 82a379e722 and took me to 68e6055c1a his house. He welcomed me as 0981b73350 if he had been 6aab587515 waiting for me, ignoring 721aed8c64 the years of absence.40771eb4cce8a771

    Clive’s situation b644aa832d wasn’t affluent 657cc4d0b9 either, but 358f7bfecf he generously a479857cba shared his c96cc9ae6b home and 86b2d360b2 company.3fb1f8320b514a26

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    The sense of belonging 80cc2ea7c1 I felt there, which 7a73fbad4d I never experienced even 113c9aa9ce with my family, was f6e1419dac so sweet. As my b3ba092dee heart slowly 7153fd77b8 healed, I 121d0b1214 began to 03b1049d1f notice the ebc0e149e6 emotional defects 34d05e7d1c I had 07a4636c06 been ignoring.1f8da73bdb53a92d

    At that time, eb0504f8d6 I suffered from 6bd3174a3f severe social anxiety 0564d21b06 to the point e957eeeeca where I would 5cbf701dfa have trouble breathing a2337ac1f8 just by making d715629ea2 eye contact with 9f64b5cffc others. I stayed at 33c1b62449 Clive’s house without b6997bdc6b engaging in any e3baf68c32 productive activities.39097367a8153a6f

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    Clive said it was 901f06c796 okay to live like 12d2ca033b that, but I didn’t b5ab92b7d0 really believe it was 5f595eb9f7 okay.5353bda4406bcec4

    The sense of 24419b5b0f debt that began 21f81e84ae to weigh on 471be89e96 me once I 23f980b1cd had some personal cb062e743c stability always lurked f106100807 in my mind, 1e7c3472fb worrying that it 7eeaca8fde might ruin the c11c0fa4a1 relationship between Clive e90d543b86 and me, just 1ea1d77f4a like it did 058130cb73 with my mother 496c5a423f and me.62f12bb134c44786

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    I tried 5c2acc41e5 to find 19ea224e3e odd jobs 19908b76ed a few 86f3a83f22 times, but 59b04af04a my chronic 336937a0e3 fear of b9d6a0ab2f people caused f81438ceec me to 24d62aecd6 fail repeatedly.c496def95066deb7

    When I was in d86c790a7b despair, Clive started bringing 856de5cd31 his friends over to 70fc99ae70 the house.7df1679ceba704d7

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    The friends 1eb6ff3e95 Clive introduced 8da7053fa3 often came cadafd9f8e over for b09638e463 meals, and 93a48c87bb sometimes they 668a5aa2e7 stayed the 51e499d06e night with 4346c7da82 drinks and b2f6acad7c poker. Naturally, Clive 6c42ee5f6e was the 20d8ba08d7 center of 784760e3d6 their colorful 050b07f724 personalities, and 69b62b6709 I was 1496e81db1 always seated cd8f576ab5 next to c41c3fd2f7 him.ce1c62d46dbbaaab

    Meeting them for the 3d5f0eb269 first time was truly 3ccea6c8d6 a struggle.9dd492268e41f4b1

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    I’m sure it was d9e39c7017 the same for those 52b182fa45 who had to face e44ca0aa55 me. I would sometimes vomit d8750e9e52 in front of them 88f31261ce and have fits over a3f4c26681 small movements.86eb90a12a1e72eb

    Each time, 669bac1a3a Clive would c01cc9489a kick them d52f4f4882 out without 177c0338ab hesitation and ba1e0d67e5 hold me 56d0284b7d until I b8286c08ab calmed down.041bb1ee6989a54e

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    I couldn’t understand Clive. Why he brought them e79624ece7 over knowing I was b09b1b7a2c afraid of people, and e331f03f16 why he kicked them 5a1767b0d0 out when I showed 2d06615840 discomfort. It all seemed 9b4ceadd7d strange and unfair, d4041b9edd but I had 02203c7fbd to suppress those 21259efcb0 feelings.deb5d7b75600b637

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