MM Ch 4 part 2

PR by neji

When I realized that my foolish one-sided love had been ignored all along, tears began to fill my eyes.

The word ‘sadness’ could not describe the emotions that rolled through me. Along with disappointment, anger, and betrayal, the small seed of hope that I had treasured deep inside my heart burst into flames and turned to ash. I felt as if my entire body had shattered and was crumbling down.

“So… So that’s why you did it in front of me…”

I awkwardly murmured as I gulped. I pulled out the daggers that I had kept hidden in my heart and let them fly out of my mouth.

“Is that why you took your bastard men and rutted like animals in front of your pre-pubescent daughter?”

It wasn’t like I had nothing to say either. No, unlike my mother who said anything that came to her mind, I suppressed all the words I wanted to say all this time. I had more to say to her than anyone I knew.

“…What?”

My mother scowled. I looked straight at her twisted face and continued.

“You knew. You knew I could hear everything, but you still did it. Right? If that’s not true, then tell me it isn’t. Try telling me it was all a mistake!”

I’d rather you tell me you were high on drugs. I’d rather you go on your knees and beg for forgiveness. Tell me that you weren’t in your right mind because of the liquor.

“How… can you call yourself a person, Mom? Ugh… Are you even human?”

I didn’t want to cry, but I couldn’t help it. I kept my eyes wide open so as not to blink.

“Do you like men that much? Even though your daughter is a senior in high school… Even though you became pregnant and gave birth, you lied… You did all that because you wanted to get married. Do you need men that much…?”

“Then do I have to give up my youth, my life as a woman, all because of you?”

My mother was firm. Anger emanated from her large, fierce eyes. Her rage was mixed with shock and disbelief. As if she couldn’t believe I dared to disobey her. Her expression was telling me that she would never forgive me for this.

“Don’t other parents all… all… ugh… do that? For the sake of their child… don’t they… all live like that?”

In the soap opera that my mother was in, she played a mother who knelt in front of her high school friend whom she had looked down on for the sake of her son. She looked pitiful as she begged them to go easy on her son. This same woman was now looking at me with a strange look on her face, her brows furrowed. Then she scoffed at me. Once the laughter faded away, only scorn was left.

“If I had only been a bit smarter when I was young, I wouldn’t have even considered giving birth to you.”

It felt as if I had been doused with cold water. The sputtering embers in my heart finally died. My mother did not give me a chance to be happy. Her red lips parted as she spit out the final blow.

“I was too stupid… When you were inside my belly, I didn’t get rid of you. You should be grateful I even gave birth to you, you bastard.”

My head went blank. I had been vaguely aware of this, but when the thing I did not want to acknowledge left her mouth, it was too cruel.

If it was going to be like this, you shouldn’t have given birth to me. If you were only going to end up regretting it, why? It’s not like I ever asked to be born, so why?

“Let’s go, Jung Dayoung.”

It was then. Lee Kyuwol walked out of Professor Lee’s study. When my mother saw him, her voice shook in surprise.

“…Why are you coming out of there?”

She turned her eyes back to me, and I could imagine what she was thinking. That I had known he was there all along but didn’t say anything. That I was the one who had planned this all along. She looked at me with such hatred.

“I think you’re too worked up, so I’ll just take Dayoung and leave the house for a bit.”

“No. I’m not done speaking with her yet.”

My mother quickly extinguished her cigarette in the ashtray and cleared her throat. Lee Kyuwol ignored her and held his hand out to me.

I turned my head and avoided his gaze.

“Come here.”

Lee Kyuwol murmured before snatching my arm. I tried to slip out of his grasp, but it was useless. His clenched hand was too strong. He dragged me away, and I couldn’t help but get up from my seat. Lee Kyuwol did not let go of my arm. All I could do was stagger behind him as he made his way to the front door. 

Even inside the elevator, his hand never loosened from my wrist. He merely looked forward. I could feel his warmth on my wrist, and it felt hot.

Ding. When we arrived at the underground parking garage, the elevator doors opened.

“Let go.”

When we got out of the elevator, I spoke to him in a lifeless voice. He did not let go.

“My wrist hurts.”

He finally loosened his grasp. My hand tingled as the blood began to circulate. With the cold wall at my back, I stared at him with blank eyes like a person without a soul. He silently looked back at me.

He opened his mouth and broke the silence.

“I apologize for telling you to talk to Jung Misook.”

“…Why are you apologizing?”

Lee Kyuwol’s Adam’s apple bobbed up and down on his throat.

“Because you got hurt.”

I looked at him and laughed helplessly. That wasn’t Lee Kyuwol’s fault. He probably told me to tell my mother what had happened because he wanted my mother and Professor Lee to separate of their own accord. This was the first time I’d seen my mother’s true self, so there was no way he would have known about it either.

“What can I do for you?”

Lee Kyuwol approached me as he asked in a low voice. I glanced up at him before barely opening my lips.

“Can you make me disappear?”

My strained voice twisted inside my throat. Why was I born into this world? No one was happy about my existence, so why?

I wanted to turn into mist and disappear forever.

“So that I don’t have to see such filth anymore… I wish that I can disappear in the blink of an eye. Seriously.”

I saw him look at me with a mysterious look on his face. I gave him a faint smile. Because even if I cried, nothing would change.

* * *

Lee Kyuwol and I drove around in his car all night. He asked me if I’d like to go see the sea, and I told him I did not want to. As the darkness of night began to settle over the road, I fell asleep by Lee Kyuwol’s side.

When I opened my eyes, I saw that the sunlight was reflecting off of the river and entering through the car window. It was morning. Everything was still and quiet, almost as if the wretched events of last night had never happened.

The occasional cries of the birds outside broke the peaceful silence. It felt as if we were completely separated from the world.

“Did you wake up?”

I slowly turned my head and looked at him.

“Where are we?”

“Yangpyeong.”

Lee Kyuwol answered in a slightly raspy voice. My seat was pulled all the way back, and his athletic sweatshirt was covering me like a blanket. It seemed that I had fallen deeply asleep, unaware of my surroundings.

“Do you want to go to a motel and get some sleep?”

He asked with a blank expression on his face. His voice didn’t sound like it held any impure motives. He was asking because he felt that it would be better than sleeping uncomfortably inside the car, but I shook my head. Two minors entering a motel together was not appropriate at all.

“No.”

His gray eyes gleamed in the sunlight as he gazed at me in silence. This was the first time Lee Kyuwol and I were together in such a bright setting. The silence wasn’t awkward, but his gaze was heavy as it rested on my face. I was too tired to meet his eyes, so I changed the subject.

“I’m hungry.”

“Yeah. I’m starving.”

Possibly because it was early in the morning, his voice sounded husky. He changed gears and began to drive. He murmured nonchalantly.

“I feel like I can eat you up.”

He wasn’t kidding. We entered a haejang soup restaurant, and Lee Kyuwol ordered the ox blood haejang soup and two bowls of rice. He ate everything at a rapid speed, and he even finished the rest of my half-eaten short rib soup.

The employees at the restaurant glanced at our table often. It could have been because of Lee Kyuwol’s incredible appetite or because of his amazing physique. Because he was wearing a cap that hid his face, the eyes were more drawn to his body. In my opinion, both of these reasons were true.

“Let’s go somewhere quiet and talk.”

Once we finished our meal, Lee Kyuwol drove us to a cafe nearby. It was a cold winter’s day, and we sat at a table outside of the cafe as we looked at the river. There was no one around. The cold wind cooled my flushed cheeks.

With a blanket on my lap, I stared at the sunlight reflecting off the river.

“I knew that my father got married to trash.”

Lee Kyuwol sat comfortably next to me and broke the long silence. I remained perfectly still and kept my eyes on the river. A family of ducks moved along the surface of the water, leaving ripples in their trail. It was an intensely peaceful scene.

“But I didn’t care.”

I still did not look at Lee Kyuwol as he continued to speak at my side. I wondered if he still had my underwear in his pocket. And I also wondered how I came to meet a person like him.

“I hate troublesome things, and I didn’t think it was such a bad idea for trash to get together with trash.”

His gaze felt prickly on my skin. I turned my head and looked at him.

“…But you kept catching my eye.”

I mulled over Lee Kyuwol’s words, and I found it a bit fascinating that he felt the same way I did.

“What did I do?”

“You didn’t do anything.”

Lee Kyuwol answered back.

“That is what caught my attention.”

I silently gazed back at him. I saw a white bird flying in the distance.

“My interest in you continued to grow. Sometimes it was hard to resist it.”

“…Why? Were you also wondering what my panties smelled like?”

I sneered, but Lee Kyuwol was not shaken.

“To be completely honest, a similar thought did enter my head.”

“…I really want to throw you into the river right now.”

“I wanted to smell your hands.”

Lee Kyuwol said something I couldn’t understand. Everytime he took a breath, white mist formed in the cold winter wind. For some unknown reason, I couldn’t take my eyes off him.

“Even though I hate troublesome things…”

Lee Kyuwol stared at me and murmured as if he were talking to himself.

“Whenever I see you, you make me want to intervene.”

His gray eyes narrowed as they gazed at me. A questioning expression formed on his face.

“Why are you enduring it?”

I understood what his question was implying. Lee Kyuwol was probably curious. I had to call my mother ‘unnie’, and while she had sex like an animal in the room next to mine, I continued to study as if I didn’t know. My biological mother did not take my side even when I was sexually abused. And yet I could not even yell at her. He probably couldn’t understand any of it.

“…If I don’t, what should I do instead?”

“Find a way.”

Lee Kyuwol said it so easily. However, in my current situation, what could I possibly do?

I didn’t want to become a failure in life, and I didn’t want to live a life like my mother’s where I found salvation in the hands of another man. The only thing I could do is become independent of my own accord and move out and leave my mother.

Lee Kyuwol knew none of this as he stared at me. He dampened his lips with his tongue.

“Or find someone who knows a way.”

The sun dropped a bit lower in the sky. Lee Kyuwol’s gray eyes reflected the sunlight in a mysterious gleam. I looked at him and said what I had been holding back all along.

“I hate you.”

“Why do you hate me?”

I hesitated for a moment. 

“…Do I really need a reason to hate you?”

I hate the way your eyes look when they look at me. And I hate the fact that all of these horrible situations were exposed to someone like you. I hated it to death.

His hand slowly crept inside the blanket and went on top of my hand. He spoke in a low voice.

“Okay. It doesn’t matter.”

He entwined our fingers together. Our palms touched. His large hands gently caressed mine. Our hands grew sweaty.

“…What are you doing?”

I whispered, but my voice grew raspy with agitation.

“You don’t know how to reach out your hand or grab someone else’s hand, do you?”

His hand was gentle but firm. It was as if all of my nerves were concentrated in my hand. It was as if his touch was causing my heart to palpitate inside my chest.

“Next time, you can reach out your hand to me first.”

“…Why?”

“You can do it.”

He whispered kindly. The cold river wind brushed past my warm face. I felt my neck grow feverish.

“Excuse me… You’re Athlete Lee Kyuwol, right?”

As he turned around, a beautiful, polite smile stretched across his face. I tried to snatch my hand out of his grasp, but his grasp tightened instead.

“Yes, I am.”

As Lee Kyuwol faced the employee, the employee’s bashful face reddened.

“I’m sorry to ask, but could you please give me your autograph?”

“Right now?”

He smiled politely as he gently caressed my hand.

“N-No… Later after you check out and before you leave…”

“I’ll do that. Of course I will.”

The employee thanked him and looked back and forth between Lee Kyuwol’s hand hidden in my lap and my face. I didn’t have the confidence to meet her gaze, so I kept my eyes on the table.

“The coffee is really good.”

The coffee next to Lee Kyuwol was left untouched. Ring. When the doorbell rang as it closed, I finally looked at him.

“…Why are you doing this?”

His face came closer until it almost touched mine. Whoosh. The wind rustled through his hair and tickled my forehead.

“What do you mean?”

“They’re going to think something weird is going on.”

My hand was now drenched in sweat, but I gave up on trying to pull it out of his grasp. Lee Kyuwol’s calm eyes gazed at me before he slowly opened his mouth.

“I don’t care.”

Another electric current ran up from my hand to my heart, causing it to race.

“Because the only person I care about right now is you.”

Lee Kyuwol’s cold eyes began to caress me again.                      

“…What do you mean?”

“Exactly what I said.”

As always, Lee Kyuwol’s reply was short and steady.

Just like how I hid my true heart deep inside the drawer, are you also hiding yours? But the timing seemed off.

Yesterday was the day I found out that I was the object of his father’s sexual desires, and I also realized that my mother had been rejecting my existence all along. The pink hue of romance did not seem to fit this gloomy situation. Just like me.

The sun was still up, but I could vaguely see the moon on the other side of the river. It was such a strange sight, just like Lee Kyuwol’s gray eyes as he gazed at me.

“What do you plan to do now?”

Lee Kyuwol asked as we drove back home. I thought about it for a moment before answering him.

“…I’m going to find a way.”

With the arrival of the new year, I was going to become an adult. Just as my mother reiterated in the past, once I became an adult, I planned on cutting off all ties with her and the fake family she had given me without my consent. I was going to tell her that I didn’t need her help. Whether I became a thief or gave birth to a child of my own, she had no say in the matter.

“Don’t waste too much time.”

“It’s none of your business anyway.”

“…Is that what you think?”

Lee Kyuwol murmured as we entered a tunnel. I could see a faint blood stain in his hand as he held onto the steering wheel. It was a trace of what had happened when he had pierced Professor Lee’s ear in the study.

I looked down at my hand that he had held at the cafe. Even though there wasn’t anything on it, I felt like it was also stained with blood.

Once I left my mother, my ties to Lee Kyuwol would be cut off as well. That meant that Lee Kyuwol wouldn’t have to do anything dangerous for my sake like he had done last night.

I ate with him and drank tea with him. That was it. For the first time in my life, I stayed out at night, and we did so together. Not that the occasion was very cheerful in any way.

A bitter smile stretched across my lips. Yeah. This is enough.

“There won’t be any troublesome things coming your way from now on.”

“What do you mean by that?”

I could feel his eyes gazing at the side of my face. I deliberately did not look back at him.

“…You told me to find a way. As long as I disappear, everything will return to the way it was.”

A chill settled over the car as the sun began to set. My body began to tremble, and Lee Kyuwol stretched out his hand to turn up the heater. I closed my eyes.

And I did my best to think about my life once I left my mother. But I never imagined that we’d separate under such unexpected circumstances.