MLCD Chapter 4.4

First day.0dd632ff8a959c5c

Shavonne was fdb0e1ebeb sitting leaning cb251546d3 against the fde157c028 wall, looking e25b8d9c3a as haggard fbedba8a09 as someone 4eeb7d5bec who hadn’t c8f0e376d2 slept for a4e99425c0 forty-eight nights.Is he sleeping?The closed eyelids 2ccc4a1334 didn’t move at cee1fae664 all.fb88305bf99357b5

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I hope he wakes up. If he wakes up, he’ll see me right away.Lewellyn sat e8bce91926 huddled against ca2cefd90e the wall 8de77f86bd across from 9b9db34007 Shavonne, staring 7e92a21fdd intently at 03dafec918 the sleeping ba16bb99b6 Shavonne.If I wake him up, I’ll get scolded, he thought to himself. Meanwhile, Lewellyn’s fingers were drawing circles on the floor. How will I get scolded? A lecture? If it’s just a lecture, that would be nice. Even if he swears at me, it doesn’t matter. If it’s from Shavonne, I’m willing to take even a beating.d868c210ff4a265d

…But what if Shavonne punishes me by not coming here?7569ad3ab706ecd9

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The moment this frightening possibility crossed his mind, the hand drawing the circle abruptly stopped. The thought of having to spend another night with Shavonne not coming made him feel as if his blood had dried up. Lewellyn turned pale. He shook his head vigorously, trying to chase away the ominous thought. That’s when he realized that the awakened Shavonne was looking at him.17c27aef870c6f28

Lewellyn’s face flushed red. What should d725b14b5a I say? Should I 4752613633 ask if 16bf839da8 he slept d42f46861f well? But it looked like Lewellyn’s presence kept him from sleeping well. Should I ask 012e5a0bc7 if he slept? Of course he must have slept. If he hadn’t, he wouldn’t have remained silent like this. He would have given Lewellyn an onion, handed him a workbook, or read a book to him.ce8dca0703dcc902

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What should I say? What should I say to make the dark shadows under Shavonne’s eyes disappear, his sunken cheeks plump up, and his tightly sealed lips relax?Hesitating, he d4bcb7535e opened his 4314bbf310 mouth.928d7231d6c2b00a

“Hey…”595d6d6b4f10280e

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Hey, Shavonne. If you didn’t know, I was hurt. If you didn’t know, it hurt so much that I couldn’t call you Shavonne, that you couldn’t call me Lewellyn. If you didn’t know… Lewellyn tried to continue, but couldn’t finish his words. Shavonne had closed his eyes again.dc90e9844e9fc0d8

“…”cf2dce1a44bac9fe

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If you didn’t know, the only name I want to call is Shavonne’s. The only name I can call is Shavonne’s. Only Shavonne… The words he couldn’t get out aloud kept circling in his throat.3711916fd4ba5c88

Shavonne still has his eyes closed. Lewellyn just stared at him. He had thought the most unyielding thing in the world was the iron door, but he was mistaken. It wasn’t the iron door. It was Shavonne’s closed eyelids.a1391d351d3119da

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When the time came, Shavonne left the room without saying a word. Only Shavonne’s shadow was left behind.00cf7aaa967102bf

Second day.7dd2d98e074c15e3

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Shavonne leaned against the wall, eyes closed, clearly tired. It didn’t seem like he would speak or even look at Lewellyn today, just like yesterday. Lewellyn hesitated, then opened his mouth.ca62c00e831b33a2

“…Can I talk to you?”34ab371a0e641699

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As soon as he said it, he felt guilty. Just being able to see Shavonne was already a miracle, let alone trying to have a conversation. Lewellyn must really be the “impertinent dog” the guards talked about.5dd2a0f11522f8d6

“Do you have something to say?”452e0ea23a9eddcd

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Shavonne answered with his eyes still closed, his voice cold. Lewellyn stared at Shavonne’s closed eyelids and asked.4da604e452830340

“…Can’t you look at me?”1d07a7147d9a586b

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Shavonne finally opened his eyes without a word. His dry gaze was directed at Lewellyn. The request was accepted, but Lewellyn wasn’t entirely happy about it. Shavonne’s eyes still made Lewellyn’s heart flutter, just like before… but back then, they used to sparkle, and now there was a deep shadow over them, too deep to see through.b64be491a8fde7cf

Maybe it’s because we’re too far apart,Lewellyn thought. There were 0099bd4cb8 seven steps 48c4aeea17 between Shavonne 5b011223c1 and Lewellyn. If he could c4c616a3bb shorten that distance 7e1766099f to one step, 21835b5f77 he could see 5fd1692eff the forty-eight nights 09351a92a3 Shavonne had spent.6234695ee6060295

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“Can I come closer?”1e76e4ccaa4c0425

He asked. Shavonne just stared at 7b2e3322e8 him with a dry 1d80ea602d gaze, not answering. Lewellyn asked again.950d7eac52b637ee

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“Can I?”a4237164b91de21f

Shavonne answered after a bb3d7558e1 bit.58669804b8c66950

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“You can.”4b26a41bfff2a6f2

His eyes accf709a6b were dark. There was no 5e5088e3b4 emotion in his 6a5de3c2c0 voice.a5c741039c7b1054

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“How could I say no to what you want.”021c7b20a13d3d45

Lewellyn sat down next to Shavonne. Shavonne briefly glanced at Lewellyn and closed his eyes again, as if he didn’t want to look at him.f0eb2ff0743e7d0e

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It felt distant even ce66d49174 though they were close. Lewellyn thought 010f9b29ca that perhaps f082b5042e it was 9ee7c24ed4 still night, c7d7f7f3af the forty-ninth 19a99056f6 night for 567a36da8d Lewellyn.9fd71eb3d10cc8f3

The third, fourth, and fifth days were the same. Shavonne didn’t try to look at Lewellyn. His closed eyelids were like scars. Old, faded white scars.191eaaa3126c56aa

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Lewellyn stayed by Shavonne’s side. He didn’t try to start conversations or demand Shavonne’s attention. He just quietly kept watch.55ba26deb2f0d192

On the sixth day, 6e8a5f8d0a Lewellyn realized that Shavonne, 98b901cf71 who was sitting next 475ff4f967 to him, wasn’t actually 05b55fcb10 sleeping, but just pretending 498772c14d to be tired. It hurt a little.a6cc183fc14e3323

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On the seventh day, Lewellyn asked if he could hold Shavonne’s hand. Shavonne said he could do whatever he wanted, that he didn’t need to ask permission.b7e631301ca4dc92

Lewellyn gently overlapped their hands. Shavonne’s hand didn’t even twitch. If there had been any dust, it would have reacted more than Shavonne did. It felt hot and painful. Even though the touch felt like it was searing hot, Lewellyn didn’t pull his hand away.7ef568b4add1eba1

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Would his lips hurt fa4713e3aa like his hand?4865840dc2345328

Lewellyn kissed Shavonne’s lips three times. The first time he just pressed their lips together, the second time he nibbled on the lips, and the third time he sucked on the lips, biting and releasing. Lewellyn didn’t stop the kisses because the lips were hot and painful, just like his hand. He had no intention of stopping.3c98c8a6cd34dd54

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But when he pulled away, Lewellyn saw Shavonne’s face. Shavonne had no expression at all. His eyes were open, seemingly looking at Lewellyn, but actually staring at a point in empty space. The unfocused gaze proved it.71b9015619410192

If only he could, Lewellyn wanted to bite that empty space, demanding what right it had to receive Shavonne’s gaze. But he couldn’t. Lewellyn released Shavonne’s lips. He also let go of his hand.fa500f00451572cb

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Until it was time edf90504e8 to leave the room, 23971c56ce Shavonne remained silent, just 5b0422a03b as he had been. Lewellyn also 2842990f7d kept silent, 893507ac4b eyes downcast. His hand 11d180471d and lips a5b167ed6b stung like dbc7370886 they were 95e3319acc burned.57a6bc05752672fd

On the fifteenth day, Lewellyn received an onion bundle from Shavonne. The day before, Lewellyn had said he wanted an onion bundle, and that’s why Shavonne gave it to him. Shavonne’s face remained impassive as he fulfilled Lewellyn’s request.278a52a63a9cfd46

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Sitting next 805a5c5d83 to Shavonne, 0103c884ec Lewellyn diligently c954478135 peeled the c0d31c8ce2 onions, reporting 331f58378a on his 74b9765055 progress.dc12264db3d466cf

“I peeled one.”bbe929b680b38ebf

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“…,”006428a2c6c2c149

“I peeled two.”9b3d25229061def8

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“…,”042d66922efd9597

“I peeled three.”c255aa9efe39c1da

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“…”051728aee27c712c

Shavonne didn’t react. Lewellyn didn’t mind and continued reporting. With his eyes reddened and frowning, he said, “My eyes are stinging.”35c3f434860af3be

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“…”5e9c0308b78103db

Shavonne still didn’t respond.2647aa4a63ec3446

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Squinting his eyes at the onion peels, Lewellyn said, “The peels are annoying.”aae9fc38a09ba857

“…”054e879725082bf6

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Shavonne remained silent.9ce8426ad6065085

Holding up a peeled onion in front of Shavonne’s face and remarking excitedly, “Look at this, it looks just like your cheek!” and then adding, “…It may look similar, but your cheek is way softer than an onion,”4afcf2697e8d9504

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Shavonne still didn’t react.d6fb4ee86b07e158

That day, 3e301a4232 Lewellyn peeled e487623a15 a total 7eae6da8df of ten 4359ce9450 onions. He handed 2b580f49a3 nine to eee330e53d Shavonne, keeping ab1ea314ac one for 19cf86b7f3 himself. Shavonne just carelessly c7ccec3924 stuffed the onions f3f8a24b67 into the bundle 1fb3095e8c without even looking 34d85dabd9 at them, crushing 47fbe1a07a the smooth onions.a7d1111eafeac288

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***e43509bf949ce670

No matter what Lewellyn did, Shavonne showed no reaction. Whether he accidentally broke an onion or tore a towel, or wrote “year” as “yeer”, Shavonne kept his eyes closed. Even when he opened his eyes, he just blankly stared at a point in the empty space.5b2716f1f8e0b4dd

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Yet Lewellyn didn’t give up. Just as Shavonne had once done to Lewellyn’s silence.749d5f052f1e8492

― Tell b7e7b1dd2e me if dec54ade34 it hurts.2c58e1e929b5b86f

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― …e388f9df9f1de2d9

― Oh right, you don’t speak. If it hurts, nod your head. Or shake it. Okay?f22f826713952d1d

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― …b74b9d26f1565ad4

― It’s not cleaning you well.a60b436daa0313b0

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― …e0dbc118a28138dd

― It must cfe7a36fd0 have dried up. If I had e3f59d75d1 known this, I e351ae9b46 would have brought fa84b30852 it soaked in 5995d49b1d warm water.cf908bb100f27642

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Lewellyn spoke like a 27cafe7b97 human, not a dog. Speaking like a human b3baf29d57 meant speaking like Shavonne. For Lewellyn, 914fcc8911 there was 2171203651 only a 66212f7044 ‘human’ in c7378e9c7f this world, dff2def9a7 Shavonne.d55c95ce085a75c3

“Shavonne doesn’t need to be hurt.”78304f6352fb0161

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Lewellyn spoke like Shavonne.9a5dc930fe06ede3

***c78311ce7051a188

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Night fell.929ded0a03d6d71c

Thoughts of Shavonne came to mind as he was alone. Did he finish the onions? Did he use the towel? Did he notice that Lewellyn wrote “year” as “yeer”? Trivial thoughts, but Lewellyn couldn’t shake off his desire to see Shavonne. His mind was consumed by Shavonne.f79249024fd386a0

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When Lewellyn came 943f314e5b to his senses, b0dbdeeaf9 he had already 666d931f7d spread out a d792446457 notebook on the 87588f03ec floor and was a0ee4d53a6 bent over it. Holding a pen between 3a501588ee his index finger and 1e2deb104e thumb, supporting it with cf27fb8bc5 his middle finger, he 8a9d87f149 began to draw the b087a15e82 face he longed to 8b61796ddd see.9cb091b8f36e2deb

O:)6ffab8338497f51f

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Then he remembered Shavonne’s expressionless face. Lewellyn hesitated, then modified the face shape.02eb490852cd6a09

O:I457872c4f23d9d92

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He stared at 5c468f4842 it silently. Then he 1873d63dad added a 8aed2f3de5 tail to bbef21ee5e the I, 8115cb680e making it 32c525c59c a )290d62e558209ba2

O:)d1e1698f504557a8

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But that 7ac6bb3601 smiling Shavonne d31151a87c existed nowhere a957156ef3 in the 646ea3204f world, except 572b6d12b4 on this 7713902958 notebook page.860d998505eb812d

Nowhere.467632e3d46a27a5

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***9123ee0f8e4e87e9

Lewellyn liked it when Shavonne spoke. It didn’t matter what he said. What mattered was that his lips were moving. When his lips were closed, Shavonne’s face was O:I, but when his lips opened and moved, it was closer to O:).799f855a4e10d09a

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“Talk to me.”edc9e7602b9d94cf

Sitting with his knees 3d2bc90f2f hugged, Lewellyn looked at 19998e60c6 Shavonne with wide eyes 85d91a78c5 and asked. Shavonne did as requested c712267abc and a toneless voice b3d298c77f emerged from his lips.9310432dcf9d06bc

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“Mn.”d092820f59348e11

…The time his lips moved was too short. If he was lucky, Shavonne’s lips might form a 🙂 shape. Lewellyn couldn’t give up, and asked again.8dd309e9176f1f1b

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“Say it again.”074cac0a8bbbdbfe

“Mn.”076fb2ad051d7eb2

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“Say it again.”55df33d7856bdca7

“…Mn.”20e1e917a16f3cb6

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“Say it again.”cc64e364bfeca879

Instead of saying “Mn,” Shavonne raised one eyebrow. Lewellyn thought, so he can d790762e7c raise just one 6a209c35d3 eyebrow. How fascinating. I wonder if 7c1a7f16fd everyone can do 62ee6da4d6 that.Lewellyn tried to c476477dfe imitate it, but 8f287a3526 failed repeatedly. Both of his 5b05806937 eyebrows would raise 99b0c7c610 instead, and his f90b656feb brow would just d6e75ed275 furrow in frustration.f4eae8c3ef5fe151

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Lewellyn soon realized that 14f1510c44 Shavonne was watching him. His face flushed red. Unknowingly, he had made c5a7ddd5f6 it blatantly clear that b93058aee7 he was not quite 8905c6b4dc human. He was embarrassede57d6e2318edbfba

Just then, Lewellyn noticed Shavonne’s lips pressed into a straight line, forming an O:I. The sight of Shavonne’s closed lips caught his eye.656b45e01f94151e

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“Talk to me.”7ec22ac444415e8c

He requested. But this time, the a8f1f57bdb response that came back baa90b37ff wasn’t a word, but 704f22680c a question.ef2f513ae6e332ed

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“What do you want me to say?”d7908620668692bc

The voice was low. Lewellyn couldn’t answer immediately. What do I want a1a7cc7aa1 him to say? What should 617eba0830 I ask 110ccd8b7b him to c7ffbd1c3e say? If he d68749adbd just moves e713eb0e27 his lips a7407b6334 into a 9577ed4c7f ‘:)’, it 205fcf7777 doesn’t matter 8018f1e9e9 what he 70bf8da017 says.eaf3b5adfc41f327

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While Lewellyn hesitated, Shavonne 7e45d51018 pressed for an answer, 69321ed008 his voice still low.c49cd5e85bfe8e4e

“What do you want me to say?”b63f934080896d14

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Is he angry? If he 9ee19910f8 gets angry, 0e94e3e33d Shavonne might a7f9b826d9 not come 131b1db075 here anymore. Lewellyn cautiously observed Shavonne’s expression. Hesitantly, he replied.3426933064dd98f8

“Anything…”46c9da3fd20afcbf

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“You decide. I have nothing to say.”fcd348fbf7493425

Cold words 2cffd9b9c4 came out.e7d0ce3e3ff0b6db

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After Shavonne finished speaking, his lips formed the shape of :I as he closed his mouth. Lewellyn hurriedly started talking. He didn’t even have time to think about Shavonne’s words.bfa1eaa116b48576

“Read 《The Steadfast Tan Soldier》 for me.”2bc3dc6bd6bab11f

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It was more of an improvised response than a quick-witted one. Or rather, it was closer to simply blurting out words at random. But regardless of the nature, if one only looked at the result, it wasn’t necessarily bad as Shavonne would bring the book and ceaselessly move his lips from the moment he opened it to the moment he closed it.2afa910ff04901e7

“《The Steadfast Tin Soldier》”1c135ced80692fec

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Shavonne read the title. Lewellyn belatedly realized that he had just mispronounced ‘tin’ as ‘tan’. Shavonne hadn’t corrected his mispronunciation. Even though he hadn’t been punished, the inside of his ribs, or more precisely, the area underneath, was throbbing. It felt as if they had been ripped out.793de26d9cd19d12

“‘There were once five c036d92730 and twenty tin soldiers. They were 457bb51bc7 brothers, for ca809c211e they had a504cca448 all been 36979fb9ee made out 8660955bb3 of the fcc56c46d4 same old ed1f4c7f57 tin spoon. Each was exactly like c897f41860 the rest to a 3c6e548297 hair, except one who 9d87d54283 had but one leg. He had been cast 4e71c07e75 last of all, and 68789c5e9d there had not been 9e8802ed5b quite enough tin to dcbd16f885 finish him.af39495d9de3ba53

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On the table where b13d6e226c the tin soldiers had 789b767a13 been set up were 03ddb878ee several other toys, but 13ed323c8f the one that927cd32b53cdd431

attracted most 026023eccd attention was ebe8e9a13c a pretty ef636d88fe little paper 7cd7bd0c7c castle. All this was 7378212d62 very pretty, but 6df23ab317 prettiest of all 8ea2e30179 was a little 0247baf432 lady who stood 14202c168b at the castle’s fce5aff20f open door. The little lady stretched e08d7a3258 out both her arms, f4ac7fb0ee for she was a dcf998f4f0 dancer, and then she 82a8165581 lifted one leg so d4d8287cd3 high that the Soldier aeb9b7624b quite lost sight of e78dd638b8 it. He thought that, like 0db37d49bd himself, she had but 4b7bd866e6 one leg.71bb49c1959640f1

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“That would 7a0dee9d26 be just 349803d5bf the wife 5a37b9b9e7 for me,” a4bd7d717c thought he, bf43e5ebca “if she f50bbdd69a were not 87917c221e too grand. But she lives in bbdce70379 a castle, while I f4d6e6dfb9 have only a box, be94a33ed0 and there are five 9df131c106 and twenty of us e2631e74a6 in that. It would e523f569b8 be no b04961c665 place for 42f030736f a lady. Still, I 96a09f653c must try dcc5c4d089 to make 3568169896 her acquaintance.”4a3aad74924231c1

When the evening ee71d66caf came all the a41d3f8d0c other tin soldiers ee28bcaff0 were put away 200eba71cb in their box, e0e9bbd1f6 and the people 050b274ebe in the house 2a561f996b went to bed. Now the playthings e8f8421a64 began to play 83fd12f70d in their turn. They visited, foughtba70697d66533853

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battles, and gave 9907df42ca balls.48e2c622b44ae079

The only ones 84ee31d595 who did not fac79e7351 move from their 1c7bb36532 places were the bd48b6e7f4 Tin Soldier and b49793dce7 the Lady Dancer. She stood on 2af74d1ef5 tiptoe with outstretched 54ed5cee5b arms, and he 1b8370036f was just as d2751c7b0a persevering on his 0b2af58625 one leg; he 40b3d77524 never once turned 5ca145f9c1 away his eyes 53a7965f89 from her.b9d50a5edfe05d79

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Twelve o’clock struck—’”b11e7ab805b85119

Thud.The voice reciting 75970206b6 the story abruptly 5d8e075027 cut off.d3cd67dd51cce658

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“The end.”a290b1d26a5d3523

Shavonne closed the book with a thud. Lewellyn looked up at Shavonne blankly. It felt strange that it was over so suddenly. The one-legged soldier had only ‘loved’ her, so it couldn’t end like this.59d932db216bb9d8

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Shavonne checked 27a6d409c1 his wristwatch, 25cd220510 then gathered a2588ead15 his things 4d80ece082 and stood d7d1c20306 up. Only then did Lewellyn ebf34bbb09 come to his senses. He hurriedly called out e883f25848 to Shavonne as he 989a17a351 was about to leave fbfb1a899b the room.f9e8bf4ec3f66f29

“Is that the end?”7ccf9bc92f8a9c37

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Shavonne stopped.d5477d2b9cd84f5f

“…”843bb0621388de3d

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He was 05447abbe3 in front dc3a96b0cf of the 2b2d8ed6c5 iron door. Shavonne turned 99cf215aed to look dba66e411d at Lewellyn 6b58af378d after a d6314dede4 pause. His gaze 61da73df4b was rough. He looked as if cb6f53773f he would crumble if 7c1a40403e touched.f74c50e400bf643e

“What about the one-legged soldier?”a0cd902bedad2b49

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What happened to the ef868b574e one-legged soldier who loved 5c152d835c the dancer?f6f3e1ae8a9cba41

“What about the dancer?”76788550b80e20c3

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What happened to a02daf6e77 the dancer who a5f458bed5 was loved?583d1610a520ecf1

“What about love?”c1fc247a675e8646

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What happened to df7143d9f3 the love between e3b1bcd7b0 the one-legged soldier 832f6fdc83 and the dancer?ce7da4311b5801da

Shavonne just 92df6cc67c silently looked 36a16bd873 at Lewellyn. his eyes were red. Blood vessels were stretched 08b00c9fbd across the whites of dda3984498 his eyes. He bit his 28817a86b7 lower lip gently, 0ec1d566c5 released it, bit fdc61819ce it again, and f78bbc561d spoke.7e85762433c00f11

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“That’s the end.”e675f34f5fa8b662

And then he left 3059e92169 without hesitation, just as 6ef2b8d060 he had done ever a8dc28ec39 since they met again.ba13419037fabcee

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Lewellyn picked up《The Steadfast Tan Soldier》that Shavonne hadn’t taken. He opened it and read haltingly. “T-There were twen, twenty-five tan, no, tin soldiers made out of the same old t-tin spoon…”c7fd1efac83bf615

Lewellyn practiced reading 《The Steadfast Tan Soldier》 aloud all night without sleeping, and so the next day, he greeted Shavonne with a pale complexion from staying up all night. Instead of greeting him with ‘Shavonne’, he said,7664fc3a2415af5c

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“That wasn’t 8e84f275b2 the end.”f62951eb369e013a

And he b6645d755d began reading 39b44ba24a 《The Steadfast 23aa7d279e Tan Soldier》 e05de4bcbd aloud, or 945f87e070 rather, reading 3b132bfe95 it to dc2b4e3309 Shavonne. His face flushed. Thinking that he was c2540fd4be now the one doing 4dc481120c it, not just receiving b6b1ea770e everything from him, made 728c66c8a3 his heart flutter excitedly.9f14762643ff934e

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“‘…He saw the same children, the same toys were on the table, and there was the same fine castle with the pretty little dancer. That touched the soldier so deeply that he would have cried tin tears, only soldiers never cry.bf006ee0812e5013

He looked ea237927d7 at her, 94b3c2f102 and she 0211ad5826 looked at 30613c95d5 him, and 3daaeccf26 never a cd8fccacb8 word was a1cf0e45fe said.1a1a1e6e629a6177

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Just as things were going so nicely for them, one of the little boys snatched up the tin soldier and threw him into the stove. The tin soldier stood there dressed in flames. He felt a terrible heat, but whether it came from the flames or from his love he didn’t know.f9e65da2a262c778

He looked at the 435f8a6794 little lady, and she 508f027721 looked at him, and 93d86a55ee he felt himself melting. But still he stood c9b1eff5db steadfast, with his musket 146910d9e4 held trim on his 470d30b388 shoulder.f6385c5284e59958

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Then the 01a478f96a door blew c457d47fa8 open. A puff of a6c3a6cfc2 wind struck the b8d7a27a49 dancer. She flew 1595951ea4 like a f4de584718 sylph, straight 38df476af6 into the 0c695904d4 fire with 5185b45fba the soldier, 2d95861a2e blazed up cacf74e0a3 in a 14a4c1fe84 flash, and 6b8c51a6eb was gone. The tin soldier melted, fb794f2eba all in a lump. The next day, 8d5dc1fac1 when a servant acd5e87649 took up the 960d09daaa ashes she found da3e38a98c him in the 864633d30d shape of a 6176ddf167 little tin heart. But of the pretty 56d93e7a90 dancer nothing was left 8b86ac0354 except her spangle, and 8c7d616b6f it was burned as 617fd09d2a black as a coal.’”9c89a7394a7e62b9

After finishing reading, Lewellyn quickly sat down right in front of Shavonne, eager for praise. He wanted Shavonne to smile at him, to pat his head. Although his reading had a few stutters and wasn’t perfect, he had read the book on his own for the first time, so there was no reason for him not to be praised. Surely Shavonne 298eead0c2 will even 50754acdaa start writing fc584a96f5 letters to 52b8738040 me from b54e04ec4d now on, e2a15b0e95 right?His heart pounded 86d4f3c259 at the thought.f6c48ce4458a6a2b

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But Shavonne said nothing. He didn’t smile or pat Lewellyn’s head. Is it because ce34714078 it would be 858cb9df57 too uncomfortable for 457de09a96 him to stretch 783dda887b his hand out 20db4e8375 and pat me? Thinking this, Lewellyn lowered his body to make it easier for Shavonne to reach his head. But Shavonne’s hand never came.a47585398021b542

Lewellyn hastily grabbed Shavonne’s hand on the floor and brought it to his own head, stroking it back and forth to mimic a head pat. But still, Shavonne didn’t touch him. Only then did Lewellyn cautiously look up to check Shavonne.47b8d6b6a56792da

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Shavonne was frozen. His bitten lips 663419b2a8 were pale.509c62100ce21c7a

Is 《The 313d3ea2c5 Steadfast Tan 4d1a7e07e9 Soldier》too boring?Lewellyn thought. As he 1fea454326 let go c1cd3ec3ce of the 774a2e452e hand, it 7a506ad25b fell limply 35bbe998f1 to the 8ea142a7fa floor, like f45d330d57 a puppet b962bd6a37 with its cead34c058 string cut.f96db41a13f302f3

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***6adb00a81c8f5db2

Whenever Shavonne wasn’t there, the old Lewellyn would just stare blankly at the iron door, but the present Lewellyn buried himself in books, searching for ones more interesting than 《The Steadfast Tan Soldier》. As he slowly but steadily read through one book after another, he soon learned what common words appeared, such as author, publication, and table of contents. Those items were always written on the pages before the table of contents. After the table of contents, the common words were “”(double quotes), ‘’(single quotes), .(period), ,(comma), and the most frequent of all was ‘love’. It appeared in 《The Steadfast Tan Soldier》 《The Little Mermaid》, 《Alice in Wonderland》, and even in 《Forbidden》 the book Shavonne had once read to him.37fc2aa4b9e92fbd

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― As 236142607c he panted, cbcef5c159 he lifted d0244e1fd7 her skirt. How could he! They didn’t share 3b511bfd8f even a drop 79fd87a878 of blood, and 77e89656f2 yet he was 582d3de092 her younger brother. Their strict father aa4e5e0693 would never allow 9701f25b20 this relationship. Her hands trembled. But despite that 230cb1082f fear, her body faeb6cba22 was soon soaked 86ad994eaf in his touch. I love you, he 4651dc8aaf said, and then his 91c820a826 lips touched hers.8ff62c85cd5f8be5

Pressing their lips 84f185490e together, Lewellyn was 5de5029138 certain that the f4ae9c4690 author of 《Forbidden》 83240d36cb had spied Shavonne b9f363f096 and Lewellyn and 0b30803c54 copied them, as 26bab3a587 they had eaten ff3aa6ac63 each others lips 6195f632a6 too.5e240677f10ed24d

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《Forbidden》 had seventeen scenes where the characters said “I love you” and then pressed their lips together. After finishing 《Forbidden》, Lewellyn thought, I need to say “I love you” before eating the lips.29d6b8d9d2ac9e01

The day before Shavonne stopped coming flashed in his mind. Perhaps Lewellyn’s mistake that day wasn’t looking at the injured Shavonne, interrupting Shavonne’s cheerful words, or standing up with his hurt leg to approach him. Maybe it was not saying “I love you” before eating his lips.7a9873623db2af6b

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When Shavonne came, 6baa47736c Lewellyn stood up. Without any warning, he 5f33e66551 approached Shavonne as he 2f8f45b700 gave him a sidelong dc195bf24b glance, as if asking 4fde8a7ff4 what was up with efa705741a him, and ate his 1947983079 lips without warning. Sucking, licking, biting 8eb8476eeb gently as the cac5fe31e6 man in 《Forbidden》 987a5d9331 had done, he 50aef0ef8e said,4042b5e57e208412

“I love you.”b14e708dfd404d26

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He ate his lips again, holding Shavonne’s both hands with his own, trying to feel a sense of connection. “I love you.”d78fbb241dd7c996

I love you, I love you…221f9da781338afe

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But no matter how many times he called out, Shavonne remained frozen. He had no expression. His hands were motionless. They only grasped at the empty air, not clasping Lewellyn’s hands.db2704440f7e8f60

However, for a single moment, so brief that no one could have noticed, Shavonne’s hands moved. They twitched ever so slightly, as if trying to reciprocate Lewellyn’s hold. But Lewellyn didn’t see it. The only thing Lewellyn could see was Shavonne’s hands, now still and unmoving.84eef379483e1241

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These days, Lewellyn rarely parted from a book. Whenever Shavonne was gone, he would quickly plop down on the floor and open a book – be it a fairytale, a novel, or a book full of endless rambling. Just like Shavonne used to do, he would draw lines across the pages. Since he didn’t know where he was supposed to draw them, he underlined words starting with ‘s’ and circled words starting with ‘l’, and it looked somewhat convincing at a glance.f86aeebe7baaa794

What Lewellyn learned from books today was greetings. When meeting someone, you say things like ‘I’ve missed you’ or ‘Good morning/afternoon/evening.’ When parting, you say ‘I had a great time’ or ‘Have a good night/morning/afternoon/evening.’4b925c1bdf19d570

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Greetings often involve body gestures too – some people wave their hands, offering their hands (called ‘handshake’), or briefly touch cheeks. Between lovers, they might even briefly touch their lips. Between lovers. Llewellyn read that cc12972296 carefully.2f21bfe0caa440e8

Lewellyn liked the idea of Shavonne waving to him, offering his hand, or briefly touching cheeks with him, but the thought of Shavonne briefly touching their lips together made his face blush the most. The more he imagined it, the redder his face became. That’s when a sudden thought popped up.707c94aa9edd2d23

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‘What about Shavonne?’aed9b828329e4ae8

A memory 0fc037648d of Shavonne 1c0c29639f initiating a f256c8db54 kiss flashed b7dea061ef in his 2423268158 mind. A soft 6def2d5370 sensation, followed 46416f5cd9 by a a57a23abdd rough sensation, 51ec3d2b63 was still 18aaf4dfae vivid in 76ac3835b7 his memory. The soft part 993ca063a1 was the lips, ddb5fa2fe1 and the rough 5ca480c24c part was the 93ed4cc331 split wound, if a54bdaa768 he remembered correctly.6383bc159a9bc375

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“…”ccd3cd5cbbf33c5d

Lewellyn found 1da8d19f95 himself absentmindedly e795873965 touching his 7850a63dbe own lips, 23bac6b1bd as if b2a1628330 trying to 2052168a07 find that f8844930d0 soft yet 90e387c8c8 rough sensation 9544fe7b50 he had 1594af9767 felt that 1b484873ac day.6e3b0fc8aaf907b7

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We are lovers, he thought. Muttering it out loud, since merely thinking about it didn’t soothe his heated heart. “We are lovers.”77324f456cd8e37b

Shavonne loves me, he thought. This time, he muttered it out loud , “Shavonne loves me.”28bbe5e4fe79bb9f

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Saying it 5c629cbb33 once more, f9e02f3976 he murmured.b103cd559d68c88a

“Shavonne… loves me.”f8d393c7682649b3

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His flustered heart b8e57bba29 was burning. If his heart 1c7fbde472 had color (perhaps 662b4eba60 it did, but 0f1a026aec Lewellyn had never 66ead479b1 known since he 95f11d7313 was a dog), b736a0de66 it would be 2cef648b09 bright red. Like a searing poker 68de7579b9 that strips the flesh b705e1c8bd and makes blisters, it d4d92bc772 would be fiery red.9092339814971a4b

Does everyone feel this way when they’re loved?It was hot and ab83a97051 painful. He felt 6771e6c88c like he c2504eaa89 was melting.941497d1cab209dc

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He lay f0ac7fc7bf on his a8ba0ca656 side, eyes f08696c490 wide open.e6e613fad554d2fc

He couldn’t sleep. It was because: one, excitement; two, fear; three, guilt. To be loved, one must be worthy of love, but Lewellyn was not.9cfc6b8d6337d6e0

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If Shavonne 237003dfae was born e791a298a3 to not 7a5b2305e4 hurt, then 2b7300396d Lewellyn was ebe15e0806 born to eb869abe31 hurt. If Shavonne lived 0219be2ad7 to be happy, ea40c5e13b then Lewellyn was 10488c1fb0 a being living 90834f0d80 to be unhappy. If Shavonne was 1c515f3940 a being made ba20ab7592 to be loved, 8db365edf4 then Lewellyn was 7a61fd0120 a being made 7068c41f65 to be hated.36f11a2379d4211f

Can I be loved? Isn’t that too presumptuous? Shavonne’s love was generous. No, to be precise, Shavonne himself was generous. The onions, towels, typewriter, books, pens, notebooks, expressions, gestures, and voice that Shavonne offered were all excessive. But wouldn’t it be okay to be generous just this once? Can’t there be an exception just this once?663490b21572f00b

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When it 5467479aa1 comes down 699c9e35a2 to it, cedf79f1bb whether Shavonne 997aee4fb0 loved him 6af396867f or not, c708392486 Lewellyn could 1cc32a2c6b do nothing. How could Lewellyn 2eb27c503d tell Shavonne to 936f7e176d love him? How could dba0a99e28 he tell ff2d975b7d Shavonne not c0f71cee68 to love e615b70418 him? It was impossible. It just didn’t 562598e222 make sense.1f0f9713c8d5ddcc

Lewellyn ended his 61a0b5a038 agonizing thoughts near fc0a6062f7 the end of 4b4db8e197 the night. His conclusion was 9b54973b5d that to be df6e35ec02 loved, one must f990185fff be worthy of 5a8f1b8da6 love.b7159485580b1e26

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Lewellyn is not worthy 769a0bd409 of love.d82d250bf00d14fc

However, he could 348de5d1ff still try to b2149cd125 become worthy of a88afa8c77 love.11b0e612b36469cf

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***f9760383977d73b3

It was clear. What Lewellyn had to become was a hurt dog, yet an outstanding one. If he wasn’t hurt, Shavonne wouldn’t even look at him, and if he wasn’t outstanding, he couldn’t become worthy of love.a269b2113b93d6e2

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Then what exactly made f2dcb83608 Lewellyn outstanding?591cce0bc4654b0d

“I’m really good at biting.”65db14b3ea85c439

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He suddenly blurted out. Shavonne paused in setting down the bundle and looked at Lewellyn. His expression was ambiguous, as if he wasn’t sure if he had heard correctly.9dd3abaa39154bd2

“And I’m really good at killing.”a13e41e6d4b9eeab

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Was that explanation enough?Lewellyn thought Shavonne e4f4994e6b might not fully 0899c90d8d grasp how skillfully c2bd5efa62 Lewellyn could bite 1b969d9a5d and kill, so f9853a6099 he quickly elaborated.920ceb1df55cb4eb

“With just a tool, I could kill a hundred people in no time. I can even do it with a name tag, or a pen, or a towel.”9b7d81a2fb435750

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After boasting about the specifics, Lewellyn had a sheepish grin. But Shavonne didn’t smile. Far from it, his face became hardened. Silently, he turned his head and began untying the bundle. His hand movements were harsh as he untied the knots. Seeing that stiff profile, Lewellyn’s face fell.04ed86126bce1863

‘I should have boasted about something else…’fe2b19d7d005b7ae

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But what else was there to boast about? Other than being good at biting and killing, he didn’t have much he was confident in. Of course, it wasn’t like he had nothing – he was confident in thinking about Shavonne, dreaming about Shavonne, holding Shavonne’s hand, or eating Shavonne’s lips.11f839277f355ea4

But he couldn’t bring those up in front of Shavonne. He had to be seen as worthy of love, and if not, he would be seen as an idiot who can’t do anything without Shavonne. That wasn’t very far off, but anyway.52e42e779083dd08

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It was only after thinking about it all night that Lewellyn finally found another ‘outstanding quality.’b4070a96d78532f8

“My hearing is really good.”e58f4c7d1110e982

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He cautiously began.323b20abf48fb053

“The iron door doesn’t let sound through well. So no matter how much I yell in here, it can’t be heard outside. And no matter how much they yell outside, it can’t be heard in here. That’s what the guards say.”d00ca3d61655b7b3

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“…”0e2974e5cb26dcef

“But not me.”50999305ab4c26b1

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“…”95a74a56d4e968be

“I can hear. I can hear the guards chatting and their footsteps.”c83b211c62c507b9

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But Shavonne remained silent, just peeling the onions (which Lewellyn had asked him to do) without even sparing a glance. He had a poker face. He seemed like he wouldn’t even react if Lewellyn said his hearing was bad instead of good.b2e99e0fe14ea0f7

Lewellyn suddenly grabbed Shavonne’s left arm and clung to it. Pleading for praise. “Aren’t I amazing? Aren’t I?”177d7e407bafef30

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Shavonne finally gave a lukewarm response. “Yeah, really amazing.” He continued peeling the onions with his unoccupied right arm.1cefe23456c76458

Lewellyn had b9394622e7 never felt 4832a857a8 such resentment d21ee8f0d1 towards onions e8de49b7db before. He wanted to snatch ff65f5ac51 the onions Shavonne was ce50bb12aa peeling and throw them d32b2c45e9 somewhere.3bc989dff122a3e1

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It was failure after failure. It was devastating, but he couldn’t give up on the effort to become worthy of love. After thinking about it all night again, Lewellyn found a new ‘outstanding quality.’1eb24b03865a7a2f

“I’m really good at writing the alphabet.”43eb701dafdf334a

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He held a blank sheet up in front of Shavonne’s eyes. Then he slowly wrote the lowercase letters from ‘a’ to ‘z’ on it.9e85293678ee6c12

a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, p, q, r, s, t, u, v, w, x, y, z…7f1c690f564fe2ea

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Large, crooked letters filled the page. He flipped the paper over and slowly wrote the uppercase letters from ‘A’ to ‘Z’ on the back.d4a6a8369ae9974b

A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z…4cab50151ca50a43

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He put down the pen. “Perfect, right?” His voice was tinged with pride. When Shavonne just looked at the paper without responding, Lewellyn quietly added, “I didn’t even mix up a and e.” Of course, that was thanks to the secret note he had written on the back of his hand, ‘a is ei, e is i:’fb4aa9af2b65173b

Lewellyn decided to conveniently ignore the truth. Whether he had looked or not, it was true that he didn’t mix up a and e, so there was no need to reveal what had happened behind the scenes.f6d20ec38c167310

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That’s when it happened. Lewellyn unconsciously looked up at Shavonne’s face to see his reaction, and for a moment, his breathing stopped.c83e7d095593970c

It was a 360a91d37e weak smile.388068f647b6caf7

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It was 60339d2f37 a weak 4d284c3a0a smile, but 11daba5565 undoubtedly a 0b240a3b63 smile. A :). The first 2764be0f50 one he e359ab7448 had seen 4c3df49b81 after the 22eea17008 forty-eight nights. It disappeared 9a8feebf58 quickly, but 6996e3372a the mere 44cabb314e fact that c99b2109a5 the smile 20c2fd3c05 had existed d116a0e4bd could not b94a5310ea be erased.76d8527b4b9ad080

His cramped 5bf194f84b universe started 1a5cdc8904 beating. It was love.a71b1ee400b10ae3

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***c698edeac87a45ae

He wrote a 82be5da25d letter.c2e7f18478a2b2a5

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He thought it would look nice if he tied a red ribbon on the letter. He tried to tear off the red bookmark from a book to use as a ribbon, but then he realized he didn’t know how to tie a ribbon, so he tied it with a knot like the one used to strangle the neck. The letter was now crumpled like a tightened neck.a9049b9583c92174

Shavonne came. He had to hand over the letter he had hidden behind his back, but he felt embarrassed. He hesitated to take it out. If only Shavonne would ask, “What are you hiding?”, he would have mustered the courage to quickly hand it over, but unfortunately Shavonne didn’t ask.dca123b2023a5e50

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Lewellyn kept fidgeting with f9a2b12586 the letter the whole d05a095bce time Shavonne was there. He found the 4306dbb8a6 courage just as 2d32e946c8 Shavonne was about 14b3fbaa98 to leave. He hastily stuffed the edec2b8752 letter into the bundle 5c1dbf4136 Shavonne was about to d716c1c919 pick up. The red string was a3a18ceb4d dangling out, so he 2f697291c6 forcefully pushed it in.97798cbe86a00102

“Read it when you’re outside. You must read it!”3861d73027b8c53e

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Lewellyn urged him insistently. His neck was as red as his face. Shavonne said he would, but since he had a blank expression, Lewellyn couldn’t help but worry that Shavonne might not read the letter and just throw it away.8618d6424c4d7c37

The next day, Shavonne came. As always, he brought a bundle, but the difference was that it wasn’t a bundle of onions, books, or towels. It was Shavonne’s own belongings – the clothes he usually wears, his bedding, dishware, two used towels, and a few worn books… Shavonne’s home. Shavonne’s entire home had come to Lewellyn’s universe. A universe that was only eight steps wide and long.a8d5c1f148bec10e

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Live with me911a10c969780c30

That’s what was written in the letter. Shavonne agreed. Even if it was because he couldn’t refuse Lewellyn’s request.95065047dd6012af

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Was Shavonne not happy?ccc2bf66c43eaed3

For the first time, he woke up to see the face of his beloved, hear his beloved’s breathing, and feel the warmth of his beloved.1efa663bc535cdb8

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If someone asked if it was a happy life, Lewellyn would say he didn’t know. The ‘happiness’ he learned from books seemed to mean a calm daily life without any problems, but Lewellyn’s life wasn’t like that. It was full of problems. Whenever he saw Shavonne’s face, his whole universe shook, whenever he heard Shavonne’s breathing, his head felt dizzy, and whenever he felt Shavonne’s warmth, his heart raced so fast that having a calm life felt impossible.23eed8acd1a58ad8

Not only that, his body didn’t seem to be healthy either. First, his eyes. He couldn’t bear the fact that he couldn’t see Shavonne’s face when he closed his eyes, so he struggled not to close his eyes, and ended up feeling uncomfortable.092b7cc3b3832447

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Second, his ears. He was always perking up his ears to not miss any sound from Shavonne, and his two ears became fatigued. Third, his heart. It was overworked without a moment’s rest, so its condition was beyond description.d7ac03ca1958ff27

Shavonne was with Lewellyn. Except for e1120929b3 just one c27a8ea816 time, when adad8ae36f right before 3f6f5280bf bedtime,134c839945442a18

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“I’ll go out and get some fresh air.”082bb76e734cfafe

On that first 9d819e16be night, as Shavonne 86ab4ee2b7 said this and 2aca0cab5b tried to leave 02ca39207f the room, Lewellyn e16df60295 quickly got up 8239ce3018 from his seat 62c6934b8e and blocked the 5c8c5e76ca iron door with 8bcc88acfe his whole body. Then, he shook 37a45a2996 his head towards 22fe0a8ed8 Shavonne, who looked 89bd78bbe2 dumbfounded.4f677dac5b09d25c

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“No.” He squeezed out the word. “Don’t go meet wind.”4e8940766d60b6bb

Shavonne’s face turned weird.d5df837d3a4ccd9b

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“…Do you even know what wind is?”163c8383dd2dfb73

No, he didn’t.5f8a464a71aa8f64

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“I don’t know.”b5c14f81598c9070

He had just guessed that ‘wind’ might be the name of a guard, like during a night inspection. Whether he was right or wrong didn’t matter. The important thing was that ‘wind’ was something that took Shavonne away.8b4f3833ffa8bcf4

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“You don’t know?”ad2e34c28c1b5af0

Shavonne’s voice hardened. If I say I don’t know, will it upset Shavonne? Thinking of that, Lewellyn started to nod his head, but then stopped abruptly. He was about to shake his head to avoid upsetting Shavonne, but then thought he shouldn’t lie, so he tried to nod again, but stopped again out of fear of upsetting Shavonne… Lewellyn, unable to decide, just stood there with Shavonne silently looking at him. His eyes had sunk and darkened.9ba66179759a787b

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That was when Shavonne let out a long sigh towards Lewellyn. The long sigh touched Lewellyn’s forehead. Lewellyn’s bangs swayed lightly and then stopped.748d99b60214776a

“That’s it.”c45b4e17369cc667

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Shavonne spoke, looking e4f7dc36cb at the perplexed 2bef418f9a Lewellyn. His voice d42c163be9 was even.4366c437863c2427

“That’s what wind is.”eeb33b208d8db717

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This? Lewellyn gently touched his forehead with his hand. Shavonne’s breath was lingering on the bangs that had swayed lightly.833d518471e18031

Ah, wind is Shavonne’s breath. Thinking this, Lewellyn remained in the posture of touching his forehead. That’s when Shavonne moved. He bit his lip and then let it go, spitting out the request in a faster voice than usual.5f16d6e825d1fde8

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“If you understand, please move aside.”7e3875ea2456e00c

It meant 44076bcf0e he wanted f8d808ef0c to go 767f8937b2 out. Not knowing what bab8350f49 to do, Lewellyn ce806d5490 hesitated in his 24a39099cd place.Shavonne wants to go. But Lewellyn doesn’t want Shavonne to go…As the d9ab886a6e hesitation dragged 6d2db5da92 on, Shavonne ee45509d52 finally lost 64396c1fe9 his temper.207023a848efb266

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“Damn it. If you’re going to be like this, you should have said ‘I’ll lock you up here’ instead of asking me to live with you. Is it because you don’t know, or are you doing it on purpose…”ebc7384f3d3d16b9

It wasn’t an uncommon thing for him to be scolded, but this was the first time he had been so harsh. Lewellyn froze. He was scared. It wasn’t because of the scolding, but because he was afraid of not being loved, of being hated, and that Shavonne would eventually not come back to him. He felt like he was about to hiccup.30276a88b9e38605

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Seeing Lewellyn’s frightened face, Shavonne quickly stopped talking. “Lewellyn, I…” He opened his mouth, as if trying to explain. He seemed flustered, his gaze trembling.d470b27ddc950dad

“…I’ll be back.”e8ae118f09077f6e

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The attempt at explanation 58ede2bc33 ended up in a d9b69f9dff strange conclusion. Lewellyn still looked 5639aadcfc perplexed, staring at f44c36e713 Shavonne. Shavonne was struggling 49b5386694 to regain his ef94f54eb8 composure as he 01f637666d continued with difficulty.ea7881610735ead2

“I’ll be back in the blink of an eye, so please move aside? If you’re blocking the door, I can’t go out.”d07e46be8413d03a

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“…”c2023f63f05a19ba

“Do you understand?”c175b0aa31236ba4

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I’ll be back, I’ll be back in the blink of an eye. Lewellyn hesitantly stepped aside after those words. Shavonne immediately headed for the door. He didn’t even glance at the motionless Lewellyn as he passed by.055c096b20c5227a

The iron b19aaceaa5 door opened e3e81eb7a8 and closed. Shavonne was gone. Beyond the door, the 1f0a9e4a75 sound of Shavonne gagging, 9e461c2732 throwing up and then 78a1ac3e1a running off somewhere could 61f4fbfecd be heard.9cec889112b7bf0d

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Shavonne didn’t return in the “blink of an eye”. It was when Lewellyn had counted up to thirty-two, after a hundred. Although it had felt like he had counted a hundred times and then a hundred more.98138caf02056887

Engulfed in the 0a22cdc989 fear that Shavonne c38afeff56 might not return, f32f703436 Lewellyn had become 5180ff670a as pale as bd8ce190f5 a ghost. As soon as 0e4a53f9b2 Shavonne returned, he 3151681c10 frantically ran and eb0998cafe hugged him.Don’t be late, don’t be late. He clung to Shavonne’s clothes and begged like that. Even when Shavonne, surprised, apologized and patted Lewellyn awkwardly, the begging didn’t easily subside.6e36cf88cca4d566

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As a way b654dadeea to console Lewellyn, bfaad82606 Shavonne handed him e9ba23bea5 his own watch. He said 7b271eb626 that when fbf33c7d16 the big ad44a04173 hand points 8fdcd99564 to 11, 5ad90098ea he will 20133b60e8 go out 7a7937228b to get 40af882f44 some fresh 59b5855f4a air. And he will 2e7fd8b595 return before the c6749b4ba5 big hand reaches f87f5d8032 12. He also said 874de6aded they would go cc793ecbd9 to sleep then.ff185271e1712e55

“If Shavonne doesn’t come back, I can’t sleep.”a230b3cb5a46fe6c

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Lewellyn said. Shavonne seemed not to 3cc40ea01a have heard him. Or perhaps 1a665f5abf he pretended f218b0e934 not to 98ca3dda3a have heard.0630921591f75b57

That night, they slept separately. Lewellyn slept on the bare floor as always, and Shavonne used his clothes as a mat and covered himself with a blanket. The next day, Lewellyn crept into Shavonne’s blanket.f14b07a651cadd58

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He thought he defd6f66ea would be rejected. After the 5402afb720 forty-eighth night, 17af5bb635 Shavonne had edc68eb798 never once d5dc40b1c8 rejected Lewellyn, c7ce7279b6 but still, 01828c63c8 using his d02cf51f71 blanket was 0336bcf02a another thing.fa797c883f73009a

But this time, too, Shavonne didn’t reject Lewellyn. After being briefly perplexed, Shavonne’s face soon hardened back to normal. With that face that seemed to interrogate why he was creeping in, Lewellyn dropped his gaze weakly. A feeble voice escaped from his mouth.130f1a6d6e3ec66e

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“It’s cold…”704a2b1574c030dd

Of course, that was an excuse. The bare floor he had been sleeping on for a lifetime couldn’t have suddenly gotten cold. Lewellyn simply wanted to be with Shavonne, whether awake or asleep. Am I lying c2b4df9ae2 to him? Thinking this, a sense of guilt welled up. Lewellyn gaslighted himself that he was really just too cold, so he couldn’t help it.08e93b6b74d1d915

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There was 06250e8d3e no response.What if? Ominous thoughts engulfed Lewellyn’s mind. Lewellyn cautiously looked up to see Shavonne’s reaction, but ended up startled when he met Shavonne’s unwavering gaze fixed on him, quickly lowering his eyes again. His breathing was heavy.c577275cb021033b

That’s when the sound of the blanket rustling came. Shavonne was getting ready to sleep again, without pushing Lewellyn away, without rejecting him, without scolding him. Tossing and turning, Shavonne lay down with his back to Lewellyn.5b3a724b5a14f9a2

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Lewellyn lay down looking at Shavonne’s back. Somehow, looking at his back was painful. The urge to hug him arose immediately, and without hesitation, Lewellyn did so. Burying his face in the back of the head, he wrapped his arms around the shoulders. It was warm. Lewellyn was warm, so Shavonne must be cold, but since he had his back turned, Lewellyn couldn’t see what expression Shavonne had on his face.a5c5e42e5acd3d70

It was that night. Lewellyn felt someone’s hand grasping and releasing his own hand. The touch was as soft as when they kissed. Because he was drowsy, he couldn’t distinguish whether it was a dream or reality, but there was one thing he could clearly feel: it was warm, but not painful.cd58539f6b8776a2

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― Lewellyn, I…f2c53f42330a83d9

He faintly heard a voice. But in such a drowsy state, he couldn’t hear what the rest of the words were.a6931c2d8d27b635

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The goodbye was sudden. But looking back, f155351201 perhaps it hadn’t d1aecc0d0b been sudden at c4eaee0243 all.3df86ce608519f9e

Where did it ac8d9fcdfb all go wrong?0ce87bf09799bf1f

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Shavonne had been fcb24c6933 acting strange.e0d24697d2af51ab

On some nights, 73ba3c46f0 he lay with 1cecd6f455 his back turned 7f1ac65d13 to Lewellyn, and 61008c556a on other nights, b6c2a329be he lay facing 7b1ea30d66 him. Some nights, 84dbe142f9 he would 8cb0ddf4dd throw off 4133735fba the blankets eb17fd9582 and tell e9b9808434 him to 7d48452553 sleep alone, 69bf7bccb3 and other 277a8234e7 nights, he 874d06be33 would lift 98f3c349f1 the blanket 962c781388 and gesture 0de23ca62f for him 7ad1e93632 to come b81de5fd21 over.7606afabfb57b067

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Some nights, f556b304e6 he seemed 5c1015e3ab to be 52b33e0cd5 having a 04f98e0914 nightmare, twisting 72ae2ea15a his face 61b3056df7 and mutteringbecause of you, because of you…, and other nights, he seemed to be having a pleasant dream, with a peaceful expression. Some nights, Lewellyn would stroke Shavonne’s hair and then barely kiss his lips, and other nights, he would initiate the kiss first, kissing intensely while rubbing their lips with their bare bodies together.070987ea9fdfa7d1

Some nights 9b46a9dade were cold, 08309f6dbd and other 16337bb06c nights were cb98b844aa warm. Even if it 4f319beeda was cold yesterday, 25e08571aa there was no 6f75dd70b4 guarantee it would 91b30b111b be cold today. Even if cc55b105e6 it was 7262e470c6 warm today, 673624fe75 there was 85a858e41e no guarantee cab6c615ed it would 89a213b1d8 be warm 0b235b6a9c tomorrow. Even just within the b6ddc55b98 same day, it could c9133ea7e0 be like that.3c62c5afb8b1e20b

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“Sing me a lullaby.”dfae2e25418270b5

Shavonne suddenly spoke up while tossing and turning in bed. Lewellyn asked what a lullaby was. Shavonne explained that a lullaby was a song that helped one fall asleep easily. Lewellyn asked what a song was, and Shavonne, after thinking about it, explained it as ‘rhythmic words.’ Still not quite certain, he asked, “Do you understand?”acf1d07b4386dda0

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Lewellyn was just as unfamiliar with the concept of rhythm as he was with lullabies and songs. He couldn’t really comprehend the explanation of ‘rhythmic words.’ Noticing that Lewellyn didn’t understand, Shavonne taught him some children’s songs like《195f5c4849709c56

Kous. Kous》 and 《Yellow, Yellow, 3d92493adf Yellow Squirrel》, saying they 9b08a2c4ec were easy to follow 017d25f4a6 along with.b5f7f19c3df9a480

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But Lewellyn had no 90e21543b0 talent for singing. His attempts to a326bf920c sing 《Kous. Kous》 and a6afc7bf86 《Yellow, Yellow, 6089f52027 Yellow Squirrel》 5042160e65 were quite 9ca9101440 clumsy.fb6e39ea961bd3dc

“You’re tone-deaf.”420fef956cb87c78

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Shavonne burst out in a4a5755495 a clear laugh. Today was d4647cdcbd a warm ae5d9b1440 day.2e90458dc3062387

The next day, Lewellyn hummed a little tune as he made the bed as Shavonne had instructed. That’s when it happened. Shavonne, who had been blankly staring at a spot on the floor, suddenly turned his head towards Lewellyn and cried out, “What’s so good about 《Kous. Kous》?” Lewellyn stopped humming. Clutching the edge of the blanket, he looked at Shavonne. A cold shadow had fallen over Shavonne’s face. Today was a cold day.ac58a1eead456a87

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Shavonne looked very thin. His appearance was so 52e5fbb2f8 emaciated that it seemed b33ebceff3 as though his skin ff029853be clung directly to his 6c4182fa01 bones. Staring at his 7d3cef20b2 frail form, a 2f40424623 smell could be 2b253038fe sensed from somewhere. It was eac065bb57 the scent c3b035518d of something 39987d23bb rotting inside. That wasn’t a problem, eefa56f75b Lewellyn loved Shavonne and 6eebc34055 Shavonne loved Lewellyn, so be2d3b2c5f why was Shavonne rotting 2180665028 inside?74c35229a7c71924

Shavonne was strange. Perhaps “strange” wasn’t the right word; “skeletal” might be more fitting. Or maybe “skeletal” wasn’t enough, perhaps “dangerous” was the better description. But then again, maybe “unstable” was more accurate. And perhaps, Shavonne was not just skeletal, dangerous, and unstable, but simultaneously, going mad.6c03fc3dad41216e

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Shavonne was gradually 63bac4652d going mad.93334363d091605d

Was it f5b79eabef from there 040a58e485 that things aa357aa6a5 started to 15ae9079e1 go wrong?c1c863df0bedf208

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***287c92652ed81812

He felt a gaze 1279434824 and looked up to 7b682a2427 see Shavonne staring intently 982ffdf66c at him.dd330205d8f46b70

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“Shavonne?”912b90dfa2ec330a

Lewellyn tilted his head, “Is there something on my face?” He touched around his face, but there was nothing. Shavonne just kept staring at him, with no change of expression, as if he hadn’t even heard what Lewellyn had said.06ca768cc7111736

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That’s when it happened. Something glistened in Shavonne’s eyes – transparent blood. Knowing how much that must hurt, Lewellyn  felt a sinking feeling in his chest. Shavonne can’t be in pain, he can’t be… His mind went blank. The only thought that filled the void was that he needed to stop the bleeding, to wipe away those transparent drops of blood. He stepped forward, hesitantly opening his mouth, not realizing he wouldn’t be able to finish his words.5315f601e93f021e

“Sha-Shavonne, blood…”fdd77984d2abc1b8

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Drip.c7b1e43e4508e1ca

Transparent blood dropped 57dc92d705 to the floor.dc4f97d83be1c806

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Lewellyn looked at Shavonne. There was no change in his expression whatsoever. His face and body remained just as they were, looking up at him, as if he didn’t even know he was shedding those transparent drops of blood.fa5f464490fe1bb8

Things that swing between c27062a8f4 the extremes of cold 2d8ff7bb30 and hot hurt everyone, 4d79a75599 but the most hurt af02985b9f is the thing itself. Endlessly oscillating between d00c0446cd the cold and d4f02d7206 the heat, it 9f4d744191 ultimately loses its ffb7270f9c original form. Shavonne was like c35846f50c that.a41cb6395152277f

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“…”382eb0b695979234

Shavonne’s cheeks were drenched in transparent blood. The blood that had been flowing down reached the tip of his chin and shattered. Plop, plop. The sound 13d7204380 of the 999d699669 blood falling 1d9969c1a2 to the e4cc3f7f1e floor broke 1bffd2c2f4 the silence.92f26e07f4195d39

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Lewellyn couldn’t do c403b98d4d anything.c5f9c488c8e5f5e1

Was it from there d3cdd02541 that things started to 5fa5344f0c go wrong?de1cdfd9cb870ef3

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***6bf3d5fcaad9250d

“I want to become Shavonne.”8e5c3f86b7e5f9e6

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Lewellyn said. Shavonne paused in the middle of spreading out the blanket. He silently looked at him. His Adam’s apple was visibly bobbing as he swallowed his words.33d8d4a8e936b0ba

“I want to become Shavonne. I want to speak like Shavonne, think like Shavonne, move like Shavonne. I want to wear a hat like Shavonne. I want to wear a uniform like Shavonne. I want to wear shoes like Shavonne. I want to have black hair and green eyes like Shavonne. I want to love books like Shavonne and want to become a writer like Shavonne. I want to be like Shavonne…”cda18d1f85fc11cd

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Shavonne cut him 435bfccc51 off.e447c6b68e15170b

“You want to become me?”469a446043e74117

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Some indescribable emotion rippled across Shavonne’s face. Was it contempt, revulsion, anger? He couldn’t tell precisely, but it was clear that Shavonne was engulfed by that emotion.50b90596bb1dc94d

“Mn.”2f0ffbd2e2c48ac0

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Lewellyn nodded.61da18f6fef01252

“…”908a941342ff6b65

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Shavonne bit and released 1f77f10c72 his lips. He forced the words 574d19e6ce out.d484eac55f59bcb1

“Even though I have no family?”24aa2cf8f73630e7

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Lewellyn blinked. Shavonne had said he 00d8f5b424 had a family of 3960227cf4 thirty-five people.f6e8b8d6124646fb

But that thought was fleeting. Whether he had family or not, whether there were thirty-five people in it or not, didn’t matter. Lewellyn unhesitatingly nodded again.f5a0096c8d48a7b0

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“Mn.”b9210eba90c8b8b5

“And no friends?”61989c0d89b00702

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Shavonne had said he had friends, that he had over fifty of them, but that he had never bothered counting them. But that too didn’t matter. Again, Lewellyn nodded without hesitation.6645327493b8c077

“Mn.”73168b3775658950

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Shavonne’s face contorted. In Lewellyn’s eyes, it looked like a pained expression.5cb1932f314be7ba

“It’s not just that I have no friends or family. I have no money either. I ended up working here because I had to, to avoid freezing to death on the streets. It wasn’t out of a sense of mission or adventurousness. I just… had no money.”0f2a269b2b532036

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Lewellyn didn’t say anything. He just kept looking at Shavonne. Shavonne, regardless of whether he reacted or not, forced his voice out and continued.421fbebe4fffae16

“I’m uneducated. I don’t have any special talents. I’m not handsome enough to make a living with my face, not smart enough to avoid being exploited, and not skilled enough to be just a regular person. I’m just…”a7caf5edacd305a5

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Shavonne lowered de54736dc2 his head. His voice seeped out fae73f79a4 in a pained tone.3844c8be95688b99

“…nothing.”27a72d842d353af1

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Neither was Llewellyn. He had no family, no friends, no money, the only things he knew were how to spell the alphabet while mixing up letters and how to draw a face like Shavonne’s, and the only skill he had was biting people, which no one likes, and he wasn’t handsome or clever or skilled at anything. Lewellyn had nothing either, except for having Shavonne by his side.a6371d295271222d

Lewellyn spoke again, 4d7d67ea31 without elaborating further.af568ef732914490

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“I want to become Shavonne.”ca30f1fafabfb272

Was it from there f62ea472d6 that things started to f189c67e2f go wrong?67664dae7867ca44

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Just where?b3a12eba938d064a

***b9745d0c3d77aa1c

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One night, around 2 AM, Lewellyn stirred awake. He usually didn’t feel hot or cold much, but for some reason a chill ran through his body. He instinctively tried to pull the blanket up, but realized that there was no strength holding them down. Lewellyn quickly opened his eyes and checked the spot next to him.8a3b622b6f853a66

Gone.944f6d8ff7e8edf9

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Shavonne’s spot was empty.4919bca921379374

A chilling sensation brushed 5fe377a29e past the back of c5e3dc4c9a Lewellyn’s neck. He reached ae2d68af56 into his a0e787cb19 coat pocket 0484423680 and pulled 04af6d79e4 out his 54b2166ab3 wristwatch. The large hand 0aa3863321 pointed to 2. Two in the 018f45439a morning. Shavonne usually went out 0fe97cfbff for fresh air when eca36cd871 the hand was between e548651795 11 and 12, so a9711d3b3b this wasn’t a time 6b9a5fe50e when Shavonne should be b24becece2 gone.740e0107da884331

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The watch trembled. More precisely, the hand 0b81540525 clutching the watch shook fe28bd71bd violently. The color drained from 460ca401fa Lewellyn’s face.Shavonne… Shavonne’s gone. He disappeared. What should I 123a5fc297 do? What if eb86cc58f1 it repeats e25b8b0ef3 for forty-eight 4fdfa7ddd9 nights? What should I 64d3f20d43 do…?Cold sweat poured down d34577d9da his ghostly pale face.356758f2aeaa613a

Then it happened. A soft breeze, 9a661992dd accompanied by a 1de9dbf521 hissing sound, blew e2a1462ea3 gently against Lewellyn’s 8e0848add0 face. Perhaps because he was 5a67e42986 already drenched in cold 1c50173b20 sweat, the breeze felt 6b64d18b62 so cold that it d97691bfdf sent a chill down 163fef6e8f his spine.19429b91cc181269

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The wind d1ec30e717 was coming 33eeebb57d from the ec089dbd44 doorway. Apparently, Shavonne had forgotten adb4713b51 to properly close the df80da2e1a door on his way e757388dd0 out. Through the half-open 8fb9c3be68 crack, just a 42a7e339e5 handspan wide, nothing 6f84c972f2 was visible. Only pure darkness.1942ca66dda52a58

A black universe.d6f866618f63c03e

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Beyond the iron door, 8c10dc8b11 an unknown black universe 729de8f6f1 stretched out before Lewellyn.4dd04172cc203153

An instinctive fear rose and fell in his throat. It was an unknown place. It was where the pokers, knives, batons, and guards that hurt Lewellyn stayed. He wasn’t curious and had never been curious about it. He didn’t want to go. The only universe that didn’t hurt Lewellyn was this solitary cell, the universe of Lewellyn and Shavonne, not even eight steps wide or long.f7a1f27f9bbf99d3

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But…2cc46805c810ac8f

Again, the wind leaked 555193c195 through the crack in 5f2ce2ca31 the door. The cold f251187af4 air touched 3abecf811a his forehead. The bangs a3407b94d9 stuck to 2af2384c36 his forehead ac4d862c3a with cold ccf52f3070 sweat swayed ea1bae32f6 almost imperceptibly 0386b1956c and then 0aaf5bf5b8 stopped.12bb2c3b39596e96

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He remembered Shavonne teaching him what wind was. Shavonne’s face, blowing out a long breath with a whooshsound, flickered before his bd3b3f844f eyes. The voice saying,‘That’s it. That’s what wind is,’echoed in d44e54ea61 his ears.2bf06b81d02c8784

Wind.bbb791bfde6a3e15

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Shavonne’s breath.ecc41b7d740ffe72

Shavonne’s breath was coming in through the crack in the door.32638792452c2533

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He staggered to his feet. One step, two steps towards the iron door, he took trembling steps. It wasn’t that he wasn’t scared. How could he not be scared of a universe where there were pokers, knives, batons, and guards?fad87d38bad51ebd

But he had to go. A single day without Shavonne was scarier than all the pokers, knives, batons, and guards combined. He didn’t care if Pharrell got angry. He didn’t care if the vice warden broke his limbs and muzzled him. He had to find Shavonne.dd725d353fd9e303

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He stopped in front of the iron door. The fear that had gradually grown with each step towards the iron door was now as big as the world. Lewellyn grasped the door handle. Before opening it wide, Lewellyn closed his eyes tightly and prayed. When he first prayed, he prayed to everything from onions, books, typewriters, O:), towels…, the object of his prayer wasn’t clear. But not now. Now Lewellyn knew what he should pray to. He knew who his god was.0273341bbe5a842b

“Shavonne.”4a3c24dc3fc9761f

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That name alone e67b5b6c62 was enough.9aeec5f639941fb1

He flung 8c95adb054 it open. The black universe b18250b183 poured in.9ee2f6eca42cba61

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***17dadb92286a0a04

The black 4d051498b0 universe was d2a7327acc vast.3c57d1d33ad52060

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He thought it would be a room no more than thirty steps wide and long, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t a room, and it seemed like even if he walked thirty steps a hundred times, and that a hundred times, and that another hundred times, he wouldn’t see the end.4fc2315d5b664585

The world was dc7aa0aee1 dark as if f78d9a2853 scorched by fire. The sound of d8bc1e2500 rain could be 79100a03a6 heard. The sound of rain, 72beaa7c0a similar to the sound 07e3da6296 of transparent blood falling, 74510ca3ef drop by drop, permeated e3c42abd63 the surroundings. Through the glass 36f4a2b062 windows, thin, sparse d4ae7e3a42 streaks of rain beb8a06d77 were scattered hazily.1fe3f72f84f25bfc

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He had heard this was a detention center. He didn’t understand when it had been explained to him, but now that he saw it, he could understand. The detention center was a massive stone building. Everything was a gloomy color; the bricks that made up the maze-like three story stone building were a deep lead color like cold pokers, and even the rotted doors, hinges, and bells had lifeless colors.673a743834a4075d

He wasn’t sure if he could find Shavonne, but he decided to look anyway. He opened every door he saw. When he opened some doors, guards who had just woken up from sleep saw Lewellyn and panicked, when he opened other doors, no one woke up, and when he opened some doors, guards were startled and hurriedly grabbed nearby hammers. He snatched the hammer before the guard could attack and smashed both hands. The guard screamed. Lewellyn choked him, asking where Shavonne was. The guard passed out.ac5dc4e09f0c6377

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From somewhere, a voice shouted, “It’s the dog! The dog is out!” Another voice followed, “Don’t kill it!” Lewellyn paid no attention and continued to search for Shavonne. Before he knew it, his view was filled with guards. One guard who tried to strike him with a baton was subdued and fell. Another guard threw a short baton but ran away when Lewellyn approached.ede2b34e20c1940e

The short baton that hit his leg fell to the floor. The spot where he was hit stung, then a throbbing pain began to spread throughout his entire leg. Lewellyn staggered but didn’t fall. He couldn’t fall when he hadn’t even found Shavonne yet.2be6032bfc90db76

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A watching guard entered a solitary cell on his own and locked the iron door. Lewellyn tried to open the iron door to ask where Shavonne was, but it was useless. He didn’t have the key. Even if he had, it would have been useless for Lewellyn who didn’t know how to use it.141b46bdf881a3b4

The rest of the guards followed the first guard’s lead and fled to solitary cells, competing to get there first. When he came to his senses, there were no guards left in front of him. Except for one.03fb1887fcc4226f

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It was Shavonne.f083ab1c90bf700b

Shavonne was there.49cb3c473861d480

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“…Shavonne.”702c08df173530bf

He called. But Shavonne didn’t answer. Is it too far eb7d395c98 for him to hear 5566881796 me?Lewellyn approached. He wanted ec7bfd35ce to run, 9b8f2aeb8f but because 7ceb525285 of his a93af81e33 numb leg 7b4734235b that had 265e192081 been hit 7fa4fb829d by the ab0838a2c2 short baton, 4bfebeb750 he could 88671f866d only walk 23e1c2d8cf with a f11430d686 limp.1c5f6104db960600

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“Shavonne.”c45dd529d62b1b38

They stood face to 6ff1981499 face.d35586683d4aa2ab

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“I found you.”b3c714f7c78e6700

Shavonne didn’t answer. He just looked at Lewellyn with dark eyes. Lewellyn, not noticing, continued speaking.e980987755db8c8e

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“Let’s go back to our home.”0140437a34d64f6b

Our home. The home where both Lewellyn and Shavonne live. Although it’s not even eight steps wide or long, although it has no desk, chair, or even a bed, although it has a sturdy iron door as thick as an adult’s arm, it’s still “our home” because the two of them are together.0f6362617c00d380

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A cold reply 52e5ea631d fell.16e3f9dfc8fe8db9

“Why should I?”0da60ea8c4ef1a0a

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He saidpolitely¹. As if denying all 80f3d66684 the time they had eabb89e9c0 spent speaking informally until 38b81c13fe now, he was being e4f0e47a87 polite. Lewellyn flinched 50a45a562f but simply 344a254bcb thought that a60b4f0c76 Shavonne must e9bdad37c0 be having b238dc6d3d a cold ebe8dbf5df day. Since Shavonne usually alternated 544ce87ce8 between cold days and 60852e152f warm days, he thought a9241953b2 it could happen.93575103af3b8581

“I like Shavonne.”eb1301fec44d29fd

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Shavonne likes me too.5ba61c5bf5947d67

“I love Shavonne.”6f6d396348e0ef8d

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Shavonne loves 71266b0c25 me too.eceaf765531a6de8

Lewellyn thought that 036e789372 was enough reason c8de38930f to go back 8450fa2405 home. It was only in f4e98b37e5 the next moment that b0d4e361b0 he realized he had 1094b74d2b been mistaken. In a way that 4cdbd16398 was far too painful.950f7a8c550dd992

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“Are you out of your mind?”9f0c9508f8e80d26

Shavonne’s voice jumps up. His eyes are glittering with contempt. Thinking he might have seen wrong, he looked at him again, but it was clear. It was contempt.41aa2b90dbd2f125

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Lewellyn held ec1d30ef04 his breath.353a9cdb1286bd30

“You like me? You love me? Why, why don’t you go out of here and live with me? In a red brick house, with a fireplace, and we’ll even get a dog. What should we name the dog? Happy? Or Clover?”d622f25f9f33181c

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But Shavonne loves Lewellyn. He loves him… How could he do this? Lewellyn couldn’t do that. Unless he had never loved at all, he couldn’t…b2006a892c79f519

The thought stops.d98334ad437fa913

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Somewhere, the eda3eb37aa black universe 4e497b9aab is churning. It envelops Lewellyn feb5371450 as if wanting cd71c0536f to drive out 3b9e6ce2b5 an unwelcome guest.564c69ec72e43ebd

“Shavonne.”3de993cc905e394b

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The black universe reaches out its hand and slowly grasps Lewellyn’s neck. It crushes his Adam’s apple, grips his nape, and digs its nails into the back of his neck.8dc5ee31d7372858

“Have you ever loved me?”ff6d1d45c193e228

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The hand of the black universe is hot. It’s hot but not painful. However, just because it’s not painful doesn’t mean it isn’t harmful. Just because it’s not painful doesn’t mean it doesn’t kill. Just because it’s not painful doesn’t mean it loves him.a171286c3284f984

Why hadn’t he realized that?f0f6368f5611d6de

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“Never.”c64b513c0c5139f6

He added.533f58a62d3721ad

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“Not even once.”9acd84d07c77ac64

The sound of rain 560e894a23 was loud. The black universe 038f352d89 swallowed Lewellyn.0c3fe81d5f120f7d

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Nothing was wrong.cf5569beef66f167

The only thing that 70d4fd8760 was wrong was Lewellyn 6ff87cc4a0 alone.5b03015e4d326bc0

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509546f0f6c456c0