MLCD Chapter 3.2

Shavonne’s eyes didn’t miss the paper Lewellyn held hidden in the inner pocket of his coat.485dab7512b58bba

“I don’t know, looking at the rain?”150896e9aea0f710

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Lewellyn smiled. As usual, he had f993c7d216 a nonchalant smile, as 68a2745999 if nothing had happened.65ae296ec7fe41e4

But Shavonne knew it wasn’t ‘nothing’.067cba77e3365e43

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“What about you, Mr. Shavonne?”08d9d422acefaa5a

Shavonne closed his mouth and bit his lower lip. Otherwise, he wouldn’t keep his raw emotions from spilling out of his mouth.b26429404cfbfa41

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It was a lie 3eb2ab3140 to say that he 5d974c23c7 came out to look 853c746fcb at the rain.Liar. The word made 39aa9b2b11 Shavonne feel heartbroken.f2f92246419e3c7c

Lewellyn was Shavonne’s lover. His friend. The only one on his side in the world. At least Shavonne was so convinced of that until he encountered the scene of “the one on his side” lying to him. Even if it was a small lie, even if it was a so-called white lie, it was a lie.3b0746e2bfe55fb3

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He had 85156d3fe7 a sore 0028a8a752 throat. When Shavonne opened his 669222b998 mouth, a voice squirming 20ca19938b like sand came out f294fa9991 of him.fe47e2078e7d71ea

“Are you telling the truth?”074e908b3ae0866d

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“Mn? What?”3d012264ab4b8610

He asked 701547f651 back with a51f23dcbf a very 88a5f4ae3d natural face. Shavonne suppressed his feelings 186981f11f and replied.442ef19e7b633a74

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“That you came here to see the rain.”29948759bc11923f

He gave him a chance to correct his lie. Shavonne wanted Lewellyn to tell him that he didn’t come out to see the rain but to read the letter without Shavonne’s knowing. If he did so, Shavonne could let it pass, being freed from the anxiety that ‘the one on his side’ had lied. That way, he would stop doubting Lewellyn.896124fa10827576

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But…33254ecd5eab7e10

“Of course I mean it.”deb59bcf1c981c3f

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Lewellyn was still smiling. It was such a sly smile that he would have been deceived if he hadn’t seen Lewellyn reading the letter. Had he ever deceived Shavonne with that smile before? If there is, how many times? Shavonne stiffened when he started thinking about it. He tried to unfreeze, but he couldn’t.9fbe0df1142d98fb

‘Don’t lie’. What will Lewellyn say, then? There was a high possibility that his expression wouldn’t even change. Why didn’t Shavonne confess that he saw Lewellyn searching through the trash can and grabbing the letter, or take out the letter from the inside pocket of Lewellyn’s coat and show it as evidence? Shavonne himself didn’t have a clue. Would Lewellyn apologize? It would be nice if he did. If he did so, Shavonne could let it pass, being freed from the anxiety that ‘the one on his side’ had lied. That way, he would stop doubting Lewellyn.92b98bb3b62a5926

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But what if he didn’t apologize?bfb5814b092fdd92

Their relationship would be ruined. It was unlikely that a person who was caught lying wouldn’t apologize, but Shavonne couldn’t bear to question Lewellyn for fear that the low probability of it becoming true would destroy their relationship.f13f725be2b26afc

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Maybe it’s just a tiny lie—nothing. Like if someone who likes onions says, ‘I don’t like onions’, or someone who doesn’t like lemon juice says, ‘I like lemon juice’, a meaningless lie that one wouldn’t remember doing if asked a year later.d126d863f8cdb037

Yeah, there must be 6c53bef577 a reason why Lewellyn 55c2d15cd7 lied. To Shavonne, it was c17ee19cdb an unknown reason, but 6d6a0cc701 whatever. First, he decided 7fe6bcbc55 to try and 9d916f4b40 understand him as eef76d73d9 much as he f5cbe5ac68 could.245a2b6bc840ebb2

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Suddenly, his mouth fb3e98440e was dry. Shavonne gulped down some 22bee81159 saliva. He felt nauseous.f5aa70d9ccc4170d

“Why are you outside looking at the rain in the cold? So pitifully.” He said. “If you’re going to do it, do it inside.”91149de22c9f0ca0

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For a moment, Lewellyn just stood there staring at Shavonne, but then a lively smile spread over Lewellyn’s face.512cd30f55d32606

“As expected, you’re the only one who cares about me.”e97c48c06e65db4f

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Shavonne didn’t have the confidence to smile face to face. He turned his head silently and avoided Lewellyn’s gaze.e22756c69d703174

“Did you even shower after we had sex?”20ac2da5ef619d39

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Shavonne asked after 06f273f305 they came home.cd4d540f9321c92a

“I was going to wash you up when Mr. Shavonne got up.”687f696a2955022d

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“Huh?”f50b9ff976f3af9b

“Mr. Shavonne, you were sleeping like a baby, how could I turn on the water and make noise? I just couldn’t do it.”3e412276850cb251

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He was a smooth talker, as always. “Great, I’m awake now, so go wash up,” Shavonne said, throwing a rolled towel. Lewellyn skillfully grabbed it without dropping it.f4f1d5e0a3970c70

“What about you, Mr. Shavonne?”b6281df154db4230

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Lewellyn rolled his eyes and asked. Shavonne closed the drawer of the towel cabinet and looked back at Lewellyn. “Wash first. I’ll go into the bathroom as soon as you get out.” And after clearing his throat, he looked at the laundry basket in front of the bathroom. “Leave your clothes there. I’ll wash them.”7b752d4b26fefb5e

Lewellyn took off his coat and put it in the laundry basket, but he kept his shirt and pants. He didn’t unbutton the shirt or unbuckle the pants. Shavonne was dumbfounded. He couldn’t help but laugh.d28a97b5b212f677

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“You’re not taking off your shirt and pants?”4af21bb58a722a2e

“Nope. I won’t take them off.”e9f42a10ac257c42

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“Why?”64b57b8eb3d2077f

“I’m too shy because you’re here, Mr. Shavonne.”8d76baa1ff4fcd4c

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“… Whatever, just go and wash up.”6c17753e9b8c65f4

Shortly after b44859b363 Lewellyn entered a5552f1de4 the bathroom, 77de301c2e the sound 6ddd14d790 of water 7952b9fc9b falling was ed93e8c3bc heard. Shavonne hurried to 79e7ab49b7 the laundry basket. He took out 2c978eef74 the coat Lewellyn 4d07530a98 had left there c2214fd87a and took the 18b6e38f00 letter out of 62c3adecf1 the inner pocket. As expected, it 0e9cfcad1c was the one a72130bf5f from Krainer Publishing.1f4b4838d3731845

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Shavonne exchanged letters. Now it didn’t have the one of Turner from Krainer Publishing, but of Oscar from Peer Publishing.009096bcacd75082

He didn’t forget to crumple the letter in a seemingly plausible way. He had no choice but to do this. It can’t be, but if by any chance Lewellyn wanted the letter to harm Turner, the editor…69d59bd2218f271b

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For the first time in his life, someone had said that Shavonne and his novels were the best. He couldn’t let such a person be harmed. Even if there was only a one in ten probability of that happening, Shavonne wanted to prevent all risks in advance.4d3d2cb3969a1715

The real letter was hidden in Shavonne’s towel. Perhaps because it was rolled up, the towel didn’t show that the letter was hidden.9513ab7065b887ac

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As he had c198593a8a told him, Shavonne 2b76cee0ae went into the 1c61b4242c bathroom as soon 6dcb0ea02e as Lewellyn came aab126d200 out. With the towel on ab45a957f7 the side that hid 4013686e8e the real letter.a58e94e9c58eb32f

Before bathing, Shavonne 9904627dff wetted the letter. The ink b11683a5e9 spread and 6abd011b85 the letters 64aca61f85 that Turner b55179c021 wrote  became 2c4cb96cbd unrecognizable one 6c75cd6977 by one. Lastly, he tore 978b919d7c apart the mushy e45b6acfae letter and threw b9534a7410 it in the 1130c8d1af trash can. The anxiety that ba84d934e1 Turner might be 0bbc95d579 harmed had subsided 0dfed7e2bf then.066963c22ea450b9

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But that was the only one. He still had the anxiety of the ‘one on his side’ lying to him. His trust had cracked. It may be restored, but nevertheless, traces of cracks would remain.7d93ed78cd9a3bc7

Shavonne closed 39640066f8 his eyes. A cold stream of 2091e40fef water poured down.a95dcf0f2a3b85de

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If loneliness c9ed20ad20 is the 247d722de8 start of 687d496766 love, what 73f00b225f makes love 8377e66277 end?dd3fa5fdde59b01b

Lewellyn took out the letter from the inner pocket of his coat and read it. The word ‘To whom I respect’ caught his eye. Maybe it was because the paper was so crumpled that he couldn’t read it well, but it felt different from when he read it earlier. However, after reading the contents of the letter for a while, Lewellyn pondered his name.4bf44f9d58a36ad2

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Peer Publishing, Oscar, Peer Publishing, Oscar…e4b91a380572bbc0

***3b100a9417cbbb94

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The sunset a9632c68b7 was setting.8198bacc702bb65e

How long 75a7307a07 has it f83544a02b been since 34abea2abc I left f1f6ab5696 work at 41ae0dd83e this hour? Like six 1ac1eb8d66 months or b77590d176 seven months. Oscar rubbed his stiff eyes. The back of his hand felt rough against his eye. Right. It would be more strange that his skin didn’t suffer after having a daily routine of going to work at 5 a.m. and leaving at 12 p.m. for six months.c967978e5f4f3c13

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He went into a familiar alley and stood in front of the house. A two-story detached house. It wasn’t big enough for it to really seem like a detached house, but it wasn’t too small for Oscar to live alone. Moreover, he spent more time at the publisher than at home, so Oscar, who only slept at home like a dead body at holidays, maybe once a month, had no reason to feel uncomfortable.6731f71f91cdb8bb

Someone did tell him. If he was at home less than 35 hours a week, why didn’t he move to a new one near Peer Publishing? Of course, Oscar turned the idea down.d1a0b9653a67e8ba

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He had been working 3d3cebf08f as an editor of ca86efcfe3 a publishing company for c746119fab 16 years, putting work 6765f45689 before family, friends, and e3082d78d4 lovers. He lost contact with 4638320195 his family and had 77ea8f6bd8 no friends. His partner who said 9f725182f6 they were going to 71953831f0 marry Oscar also left 31c291dfcc because they were tired b4605045b6 of him. All Oscar had left 2a3f422b0d was the title of a171eeb0ac editor of the publisher, 86021ed067 money, and this two-story 08b886371e detached house on Unray fb7d0974da Street.95fb5e70537d2495

On the outside, the house had a reddish-blooded color because of the glow of sunset. The piles of garbage and rusty scrap metal in front of the house, and leaflets that had melted down to the extent that he couldn’t recognize what was originally written were seen only as black shadows. Oscar entered his house. The door, which was opened with the sound of a crack, was then closed with the same sound.becbca3233c84afc

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Inside, it was 3391c5333f dark. The study, 3f96cd4794 which had 656fc3b82e a thorough 0e1425213e curtain so 86cc9795ee that no 46125e52e5 light came b247d5aabf in, was b9123ca9b8 no exception.I haven’t had a drink since last night… Oscar frowned. It was so dark that he couldn’t see anything except the outline of the furniture. He was about to go to the window and open the curtains.58ac9390616a2a95

“Don’t move.”8fee40fee69f7a16

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He heard 89d17c074d a strange bae7b36da9 voice behind b90091cbe4 his back. He wanted to think 54a32270ba he heard it wrong, a1c0f1681d but the voice was a428ead215 too clear for it cd5f91c5ce to be his imagination. Oscar stopped 9a23b2cd86 in the af11da9004 exact same 9eed9063d6 posture as 00ae860cc0 he tried 3ec5ac596a to draw 597b264c1a the curtains.2b6fc6efc4414db0

“It’s for the best. For both of us.”5e6dc8f292b7ff9c

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Oscar wasn’t an immature child. He wasn’t reckless enough to blindly pick a fight with an intruder who might have a weapon. “Let go.” Oscar let go of the curtain he was holding as the intruder told him to. The curtain was closed again, but not as thorough as it had been before.547d840eeeedef3e

A ray of sunset leaked through the gap between the curtains. Like a crack across the floor, a long glow of the sunset expanded, and at the end…0952600889580aa0

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“No peeking.”eaa56a0c1441289e

There was laughter in his voice. Like an adult who says to a child who complains about side dishes, “Baby, don’t be picky.” But it was only how it sounded, because it was a clear order.e40721c226f7b82b

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“If you looked at me, what’s the purpose of me hiding, right?”e1d8c3317d4f7314

It wasn’t a good idea to look at the intruder. It was Unray Street. Public security wasn’t as heinous as Ira Street, but there were also dozens of murder, rape and arson cases a day. Oscar didn’t want to be the victim of a crime. Of course, he didn’t want his name to be put on the “Looking for relatives” section of 《Daily Bunch》. Oscar bowed his head in a hurry.5a961d733206a491

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His heart was pounding. Who is he? A burglar? But he is too confident to be a burglar… As he was thinking, the intruder opened his mouth again. An unexpected instruction came out of the intruder’s mouth.bb4538bba8b074ba

“Talk.”7f24b7c3d7dc5a27

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Ta… Talk? Oscar was perplexed. While unconsciously raising his head to see the intruder, he belatedly realized what he was doing and hurriedly bent back. Fortunately, the intruder didn’t seem to mind. He just repeated the instructions.d4d3ce3a399d161a

“Talk. Taaalk. Taaaaaalk.”78f016e8497f6bbc

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He thought he was a burglar, but he doesn’t seem to be one. If he were, would have no reason to ask him to talk. It was then that the story of a mentally ill person harassing people for no reason passed through his head.90c8884999dc4409

Oscar became anxious. If he had trespassed and threatened him, he wouldn’t be a normal psycho. No way, was he going to torture him? He was not going to kill him, was he? The contents of the mystery novels published by Oscar so far had begun to come to mind one by one. His head quickly filled with anxiety.34ab2c55a2829ade

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“Don’t you know how to talk?”4d37887002af0781

In the blink of an eye, the intruder approached him. “Don’t you have a tongue?” He reached out and grabbed Oscar’s chin, and he didn’t miss the moment when Oscar groaned to forcibly open his mouth and put his finger inside. Oscar could feel the fingertips touching his teeth and tongue. These fingertips were so cold that they seemed to belong to a dead body.6be75c983d516061

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“It’s intact.” With a calm voice, the intruder took his finger out of Oscar’s mouth. Oscar reminded himself that he should follow what the intruder said. Without even thinking of wiping the saliva that flowed out, he hurriedly opened his mouth.e2c79fb8ccf82a4c

“What, what do you want? I’ll give you whatever you want.”172f0d5154dbad5f

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But the 7a6d45c92c intruder was 71ab9e94ee silent. When he finally 11da53fb88 opened his mouth, 9d5cfaf7f8 his voice was 9cd243edd2 rough.425f1655dc1c1bd8

“Again.”a1d3fa24edf3bf3e

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“Eh?”8e90396c1e67d216

“Say it again.”409e539e5b19af56

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He didn’t know the reason, but he did as he was told.9073855f80374a7f

“I’ll give you whatever you want…”e8c8eae69bb5806d

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“Say, ‘They’re unrivaled.'”37427eb1f6da9888

The intruder cut off his words. His voice was hushed for some reason. This time again, Oscar didn’t know the reason but did as he was told.32784187fecea536

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“They’re unrivaled.”926b9b58d0a51a5e

The intruder was b089da4646 motionless for a 1553abf86e moment. He turned around 3a94693b84 and approached the cc646b5769 desk. He took three or feabe34e9a four chapters of the 4d7b591f55 manuscript on the desk 3f2e97b3a8 and crumpled them in 49cc7ba4a8 the inner pocket of ff607ffb1b his coat.a678844a0fe77660

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Oscar, who was secretly watching the intruder’s back with his eyes open, was embarrassed. That was the manuscript Oscar had been working on for two weeks. It was a manuscript entrusted to an unnamed ghostwriter, but the sentence was so terrible that it couldn’t be handed over to the editorial department of the publishing company, so Oscar, who was in charge of it, was proofreading it. He had to submit it by the day after tomorrow. It was obvious that even one chapter, let alone three or four, wouldn’t be able to meet the deadline if it was stolen.15217ce24c316c51

“Excuse me, that’s my writing…”e35cbc44178fcf89

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Oscar’s mouth moved before unknowingly. When he realized that he had done something presumptuous and hurriedly closed his mouth, he had already protested.70ce9a786fa22c9e

The intruder’s body stopped. The back buried in the dark didn’t even move. What should I 49d9626693 do?Oscar felt he 5a1d332a90 was breaking out 4efc0fffa1 in a cold 2dc9ed1345 sweat.Do I explain it b45e699532 as a slip of c100d90c58 tongue? What if 9822150353 I try a89911c489 to explain 3f0c82ec21 it and 81ddfe5807 he says d5836b8a54 it’s an 7bd0e949e3 excuse?As he b240587299 was thinking, 888be7d0b9 the intruder 67336717be opened his 1e90b243e8 mouth.f93b845501ce160d

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“You said you’d give me anything you had.”227f732633a738aa

He had de2ddc97db his face 7deedaec9d sideways, only adaefcad4e half visible 3334f18121 because of b0d2127756 the darkness, 52f61d7c18 so the ac60c9b23b features were dadb0b7ce5 unrecognizable, but a67741111a not the b2e0931270 eyes. He had cold eyes. Yellow eyes that glowed e8c67421bb like a raptor in 8d9fce92f6 the darkness.ab439fc7ccd68bea

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“Did you lie?” The voice added. “I’m sorry to hear that.”fa0aebf7906d219e

The day was coming af9c2d264b to an end. Before he 0d7275986c knew it, 172732271f all the c26f3a1939 surroundings were 4c1e6c5d0f dark. The sunset 00da4f25e4 that had 284f3aff80 slipped through a5a653883d the gap a3a9fdf2b0 of the 0de4d10df7 curtains was 0bada16f25 also fading.e7fc76c4c1a0a0f9

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“I’m sorry. You got off work early for the first time in a long time, so you should have relaxed, but I interrupted you.”0f013c90df1d7957

The intruder 2904621000 stepped back. His shadow 6e8b44da50 permeated into 1c8f5b3116 the darkness.1a8f0facfb0906b9

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“Ah, I’ll tell you that the attic window lock is broken. It opens just by pushing it with a finger. Why don’t you fix it as soon as possible? The world is so terrible these days…”1223ddd766deac92

There was a crackling sound on the door before it opened. The intruder was about to leave. Oscar’s mind went blank. Should I 1f6f16933b let him 125760e63c go? Or should ecde63f635 I stab dfc4b2cdd3 him in f2a0cb9cfc the back?51814957105f4850

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While contemplating, the not a burglar and also not a monster who killed people for no reason intruder said, “If you’ll excuse me,” and left the study. Oscar, who was left there, stared blankly at the door. It all had been like a dream.3ab6d6bbb4904494

***0b0de7c787ec2aed

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Shavonne wasn’t there when he got back. Was he out? Lewellyn needed a moment without Shavonne so he wouldn’t catch him and he got lucky.fdde28591c5cd5a4

Lewellyn compared the letter of “the man” with the manuscript he brought from Oscar’s house. I knew it. The handwriting was different. He had already guessed that much since Oscar’s voice was completely different from the voice of “the man” that he overheard through the door, but when he confirmed his guess with his own eyes, he felt bitter.ad043de0bec5a0f0

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Oscar was not ‘the man’.dc90c48e080711d5

The man was impersonating Oscar. So it was Impersonation, huh. Impersonation was solid proof that he was a fraud. Lewellyn was convinced that the ‘man’ was a fraud who dared to trick Shavonne for money.4cec6f28c6539de1

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Lewellyn burned out the manuscript he had brought from Oscar’s house. What should 3140dff330 I do? He thought as he watched the letter crumble into ashes. He had no intention of telling him that the man was an impersonator. Shavonne was already excited like a child at the thought of having a person who acknowledged himself and his novels. Lewellyn didn’t want to be the one who got him off the cloud.2d890d488f68b3fd

The answer was one. The ‘man’ himself had to withdraw from Shavonne. The method was easy. If he crushed two fingers, one index and one thumb, ‘the man’ would disappear without Lewellyn having to tell him to.f7283f9298d01579

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Of course, Shavonne couldn’t know about any of that. For Shavonne, Lewellyn was supposed to be a lovely lover.f0487a718da56874

He had to do all of this to avoid being abandoned. Compassion, narcissism, vanity, longing, curiosity… All of them had to be pulled out of Shavonne to not be abandoned by him.17634a2bb52fb3c1

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Lewellyn had f25f23d31e to be e94a2e4a2a the poor 7766b6504c Lewellyn. He had to be f29f239cc3 Lewellyn, who felt like 67ce4ab5fe looking at the mirror, 75ad400a62 and Lewellyn, who was d2bb63e9be handsome, friendly, generous and 2a7736a6a5 a good lover. Lewellyn had to be 3e1cfdff28 the one who made d343993a36 Shavonne accomplish things he 1c53f06706 never had done, and f7d6e3e9bd the closer they got, f6efa3f902 the more he should edae556ec9 want to know about fdae6bf9f8 him .3d7a5d0c0de013a8

To do that, he should not be seen as a sneaky person secretly investigating what went around Shavonne, and he couldn’t come across as an unpleasant person who ruined Shavonne’s good mood.03037ba2c201e0ef

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He was good at acting. He didn’t worry about pretending to know nothing or pretending to be lovely. Lewellyn knew well what to do and what not to do. He won’t be thrown away this time. He had already failed once, there was not going to be a second time.e23081e69af620e6

He unwrapped the bandage around his hand. He felt bad about it because Shavonne had wrapped it himself, saying it would heal quickly that way, but he couldn’t help it. The wound was healing. Even though it was a pretty deep wound caused by stabbing, cutting, and rummaging while self-inflicting, the bandage seemed to have worked.2403cb2a85fdeb36

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Lewellyn tore the wound apart as he looked into it. He was bleeding. He let the blood drop and gather in a puddle on the floor. Every time the blood was about to stop, Lewellyn crushed the wound so it wouldn’t stop. He did it five times. He heard the door open as Shavonne came back. He looked tired from his outing, and his complexion was pale. Lewellyn didn’t notice.01ea5bd1fa174349

“Mr. Shavonne.”ff7094843a48e2d0

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He got up from his seat. He didn’t forget to pretend to stumble. He went out to meet him and showed him his hand with a sad face. Perhaps because he had been reckless, his bloody hand still had blood flowing down.1605fdca084ccd36

“It’s bleeding again.” He added. “I think it’s infected.”7b4391acb0b77692

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He liked the way Shavonned opened his eyes wide when seeing the blood. He liked Shavonne’s twisted face while looking at his bloody hand and clicking his tongue while looking at the wound. He liked when he stopped the bleeding, when he bandaged him, and he liked when he scolded him, saying, “Be careful.”5923ee591e389943

However…ee0997db1576d85e

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“What are you doing without the bandage?”c07ae26e14f8b901

Shavonne replied. His voice was raspy 14e6801949 and heavy.8a9f3b7504f37c18

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“I taught you how to do it.”e1875da401531419

Am I mistaken?7e2b616a11ebaf53

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Shavonne was a little, 961f811eda just a little, colder.adb7544876e76849

669707059b6539df

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***8be9b4e76b056ae3

The day Lewellyn left the house for the first time after a long time, Shavonne didn’t miss the chance and met Turner. He relied on the business card Turner gave him, but there was one suspicious thing – it wasn’t the address of Krainer Publishing, but the address of an apartment building which he presumed to be Turner’s home.29dd946997c83d61

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A multifamily residential. It felt more like 4f3add2f4d a prison though. The houses were ccdf728500 all closed, as 2b9006610f if rejecting any e965f47bdf kind of attention. There were iron 05a0f8a3db bars over the 4de80422a2 closed windows so 94d78db407 wide that no b3f907d4df one could even 06ad4305ec put their head, d4f025cf4c let alone their 79856d3b4f body.aa3b47c62411dede

The front door in front of the guard post was closed. As I learned later, there was a system which consisted in the guard having to permit the entrance so the main gate could open. Not only to go in, but also to go out. It wasn’t possible to break in over the wall, as it was 3 meters high. You couldn’t climb using the stones or by running jump either.ae828303a20e9b23

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A team of two 1e1d69b5a9 patrolled around the site, 998ed84bc4 both in and out. He could see that 5a60758bfa they were armed. Shavonne thought,When I meet Lewellyn later I should tell him, ‘I saw armed guards on the street.’bf8052cbfc20a4ae

Even though he was reluctant, he couldn’t leave just like that. With an unsteady step, he headed to the guard post. Fortunately or not, when he gave the name Turner, Shavonne was sent into the building more smoothly than expected. Although it was more than he had ‘thought’, he was checked for about 20 minutes, and when he was brought into the apartment, his whole body was already exhausted, perhaps because Shavonne felt nervous.935382e891f6d695

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Shavonne thought,When I meet Lewellyn later, I should tell him, ‘I think I’m not feeling well. Just being nervous makes me exhausted.’040ac22b1e36b1f4

Turner led Shavonne to room 211. The inside of room 211 was so extravagant. Even if the apartment building had a spooky impression, like if it were a prison, it wasn’t like that inside.a06ce7e9af565190

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“It must have been a bit scary for you, right?”19144cdd4ca9866d

Turner asked instead of greeting him. He was talking about his first impression of the apartment building. Shavonne suppressed his desire to respond ‘I wouldn’t say just a bit’ and replied. “Not really, well …”50f62ef75d8198cf

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His words became slurred.What am I even saying? It’s obvious that lying by saying I was fine won’t work. It’s obvious that saying a compliment about how the guards are disciplined will sound sarcastic. But saying my true impression, that this looks like a prison, will come off as rude. Turner opened his mouth as I couldn’t stop thinking. He had a really nice smile that would make anyone look handsome.7df0c05776dc19b9

“This place has good security.”fd42732d9bd217f5

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And he wasn’t wrong. “Yes, it looks good,” nodded Shavonne in agreement.600bde90d5aba148

“It costs 700 rona per month. I know, it’s a lot of money. I wouldn’t even have been able to live here if the publisher hadn’t sponsored me, but it’s worth every rona, as it’s impossible to find another house with more security than this no matter where you look.”94850780beaf3996

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That sounded plausible. It was the first residential facility he saw that had a guard post like here, where they checked you every time you entered, a high wall and iron bars on each window. “Yes, I don’t think there’s a place in Bunch that’s as secure as this one.” Shavonne nodded in agreement.7a660cdf167813ff

By the way, 700 rona per month? It was an amount that Shavonne, who felt guilty just by spending 10 a month, couldn’t even imagine. 700 rona, 700 rona…Shavonne thought.When I meet Lewellyn later, I should tell him, ‘There’s an apartment that costs 700 rona a month. I’ve heard of it.’5dc729f97a00b894

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“This is where Mr. Shavonne will work with me.”3186e75f69d5bb31

700, 700, 700 a month… “Yes, this is where I’m going to work…” Shavonne nodded in agreement and stopped talking. He looked at Turner with wide eyes. “Where I’m going to work?”efa4bcdefc20fb48

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“Yes,” Turner replied, his voice lacking any hint of hesitation.b29acbc827788fc5

“I work at home,” protested Shavonne. Turner explained. “Mr. Shavonne’s apartment doesn’t have good security. I don’t want Mr. Shavonne’s manuscript to be leaked and I don’t want Mr. Shavonne to write in such a poor environment.”3ddcfc8d0ca78c27

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“But isn’t this your house, Mr. Turner? I’d get it if it were the publishing company building, but sharing a private space like your home…” Shavonne protested. Turner explained.a1a03534801c2817

“I don’t want to share my house. As originally planned, I was going to give you a studio attached to the publisher, but I didn’t find any place. It may be uncomfortable, but I hope you can work here until a room opens, so I want you to work here. The room where I and Mr. Shavonne work will be different, so we won’t bother each other.”52eb819cf2d5e0c4

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“No, that’s…”05cfcc540c3a83ce

He had no idea how to convince him. No, this probably was the best way for Turner, who had to put the manuscript’s security first, and Shavonne wasn’t sure whether opposing was the right thing to do. Shavonne let out a sigh. He stopped feeling uncomfortable, thinking that it was just work and that the only place to commute to and from work would be the apartment building.9ccd1f6746228d94

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“Oh, wait. I forgot.” Turner opened his mouth as if something had popped up in his mind. “You have to sign a contract.”ff4f58382cd4d6b0

A contract?0baa9c63aac5f9bb

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Shavonne had worked as a ghostwriter for eight years. Eight years. For those eight years, Shavonne hadn’t signed a contract not even once. No, more like he couldn’t sign one. Every time he requested a contract, the publisher repeatedly rejected it.08f8fdd6f6b146ac

Some editors said, clicking their tongue, “Oh, a contract? Mr. Shavonne, it seems like you’re not familiar with the publishing industry. A ghostwriter can’t sign a contract,” and some editors said bewildered, “You want a contract? Do you think my publisher is going to rip you off or something? My publisher?” There was an editor who tried to ignore the petition, saying, “Let’s pretend that you never requested that. How can I work with a person who treats my publishing company as a fraud?”3f68704cbfb05aca

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Every time, 705e17136f Shavonne held e675e2cc63 back and 6b13a0ac0e worked without 924020e429 a contract. He was well 419b6d8462 aware that the 099316e146 pay was low, 1964465080 the treatment was a5a62b988a poor, and it b93c04ada2 was common for 6e35375a7d them to withhold 878d6be431 the wages by 1efeaf589b taking advantage of 6c2d7b5178 the lack of e14fc53d46 a contract, but fb9f3abc64 he had no e74e912710 choice.19e54a0b3ad9118c

He had no money. Without a 4d4a0968ef contract, he 23739b6251 might get 4ae96b7a37 kicked out a998aa8c44 of his 23827784ef apartment for 3f199d9fe5 not being c6472d192f able to 2054c1d668 afford rent, fd6758c91c or he 1488d8b643 might starve a87e701a10 to death 815395dfea for not 2b672fd6a6 having money 4c1cf14842 to buy f6d735fdc8 groceries. So he 1437235000 had no 507e14e628 choice but 87041e1ecd to open d64f28db48 his eyes 3cf7b5c773 wide when 11c0c8e10e Turner, editor 451c4f2ef2 of Krainer 3ffd3fbf0d Publishing, asked 9ba37e32e2 him to 588b0b6acc sign a eebc1c8d8b contract.69a82789a0977340

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“You have to sign it. There must be a contract if you’re going to work.”a85d1bf37ea3326b

Really? He felt nervous. He thought he knew the publishing industry, having worked in it for 8 years. It seems he was mistaken. What Shavonne knew was not the publishing industry, but the ‘bottom’ of the publishing industry. Perhaps that thought was clearly reflected on Shavonne’s face, because when Turner saw Shavonne’s face, he added in a nonchalant tone.2bf1eebade068851

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“You have to do it unless it isn’t a legit publisher.”a5f9355b1adebe85

I have to do it…Shavonne thought, curious. Would Turner know? The fact 2baa4f3d9d that this dae0ef9902 was a e4605895f9 natural procedure 5c38e1197d for some 8dd3a8073c but not 7f5d7ee9e3 for Shavonne.6c6d5ee9d2ee08a6

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Then, he 72a570cc94 received a 1e9cfde9b0 pen and 09ce6c48bc signed the a5d8e60c33 contract. While he 11108bdcc0 was signing 7ed0c0e077 the contract, d4725663de Turner suddenly abb0ee0740 spoke up.180b7109fc5e31da

“There will be a contest at the royal palace this winter.”0c1ce789113bd1c5

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A contest? Shavonne raised his head and looked at Turner because he didn’t know what was the intention behind those words. Turner followed up with an explanation.a985b53f33f6f96d

“It’s an annual event. Last year, it was a hunting contest. The year before, it was a shooting contest. A decade ago, it was a contest to determine the finest orator in Bunch. This year is different. As it was planned, it should have been a contest to determine the best rider in Bunch… but because the princess, who monopolizes the love of the royal family, is a bookworm, it changed.”d61cf5b32c37a87d

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So what? Shavonne still didn’t know what Turner was talking about.2783440b515c9cba

“The princess is looking for a writer who can be called the pride of Brunch.”4cbdcd81af797978

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Turner’s eyes were fixed on a single point in the air. His eyes were impenetrable.0ced8b40ca3177e1

“There are no restrictions on who can apply. However, I’m sure the royal family would prefer the one to be called ‘the pride of Bunch’ to be someone unexpected. The less works published, the younger, and the less privileged the background someone has, the more advantageous it will be for them in the judging.”c83e127734549138

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No way.Shavonne stopped 64c727f1ae the pen. He looked at Turner 5e83b1519f with fearful eyes.No way, e4c23ddf3a no way…8f0194b87182ce0b

“We need a meteor¹.”49daaaa9cb5ed5ea

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I knew it, I e3d8521c31 had an ominous premonition.4213f6b986ec8e6a

“And you will be our meteor.”be5005d8f3abc9f6

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Shavonne wanted to 3da7c9ba73 protest. But Turner spoke first 2eabca3fe1 to prevent him from 81ae6f8771 doing so. He started explaining.9742b3b19b4a3430

“Don’t feel pressured. You can fail. I just want your writing to be discovered. I can’t let good writing pass me by. It’s like finding a gem while walking and not picking it up while pretending you didn’t see it. The royal competition is just a secondary ambition.”f1fceea320193820

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Even if it was just a secondary ambition, it still felt burdensome. The greater the expectations, the greater the disappointment. Shavonne didn’t want to disappoint the person who had first said that Shavonne’s abilities were the best.49b04bfdc5f31026

“Whether it’s your main ambition or a secondary one, let it go. It will not be me.”1bc22358b3472a2d

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“Mr. Shavonne, if that’s what you say, then I have no intention of arguing. But there’s one thing you should know.” There was a heavy resonance in Turner’s voice. “My eyes have never been wrong.”f8b9fe1d3e74925f

He just needed to finish signing the contract. But Shavonne couldn’t sign it. He couldn’t even put down the pen. His gaze fixed on the contract was trembling. It was a gaze entangled with the anxiety of not being able to pull it off, the expectation that he might be able to, the fear of disappointing Turner, and the thrill that Turner might be proud of him.7761770cfc4fdd52

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After who knows 9ec2e9595e how long, Shavonne ab70eecec5 signed the contract. It was easy. So trivial ccba6ddf83 compared to 7c3212286a the time 8da2981461 he had 945675c58a hesitated. As he put 5ed9882b65 down the pen, fb79065163 his hand was 1bcee77277 sticky. He had sweated 9ac8325eb8 a lot because d532100672 of his nervousness.75e578c658a34686

Shavonne thought,When I meet Lewellyn later, I should tell him, ‘Editor Turner believes in me and my writing. And not only that, but he thinks I have the potential to win the royal competition. I’m scared, anxious, and pressured… but strangely happy.’dba1ef2a43921551

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But I can’t. Even when he was just exchanging letters, he was worried that Lewellyn might harm Turner, but now it was more than just worry, it was fear. Fear that Turner might disappear, that he might withdraw his trust, that he might no longer say that Shavonne’s writing abilities were the best.4b61f0e1979d1d79

Someday he would 96ada2f868 be able to 47c7098127 tell him. The chances ef9057431e were slim, fe84880a53 but if 5d09da037c by any 5590864403 chance Shavonne 5aa6b90f13 was chosen 538b1933ee as the 85dcd300af pride of 119abeb1c3 Brunch in 753ec3f767 the royal 4d281b6187 competition…That will be the “someday” when I can tell him, Shavonne thought.94e91f5b0134ace1

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It would be a good ending for everyone. Shavonne would be happy, Turner who trusted him would be happy, and Lewellyn who watched his lover succeed would be happy too. It would be proven that Turner was Shavonne’s benefactor, so Lewellyn would have no reason to suspect, resent, or be upset with Turner.c31348863faff71b

His heart raced. A life with money, c727c007fe honor, his loyal lover ee0738c54b Lewellyn, and his editor 5d7c861f82 Turner who said that 6ad3c3edb2 Shavonne was exceptional. Shavonne believed without 89683afe20 a doubt that 9961157b68 it would be 37b9a9cc4b the happiest life b1f125302a imaginable.7f18eafc15a398a9

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It was already 6 o’clock in the afternoon. He took his eyes off the clock and stood up from his seat. “I’ll head out first.” He wanted to go home before dinner. Shavonne loved having dinner with Lewellyn. (Of course, he also loved having breakfast, lunch, and staying up all night with him, but still.) He liked to sprawl on the bed and look out the window, touch the curtains fluttering in the evening breeze, listen to the silence, and smell the faint aroma of fragrant bread wafting in from somewhere. He didn’t want to skip a single day.fc9ae823484f5e7a

But it seemed Turner didn’t want that.55003d0345f21255

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“Leaving already?”d19e0cd54e409499

Turner seemed 4f1b255f4c a little ac5cea9aee disappointed.7499a6c85759fc53

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“Yes, it’s already time…”8c7a15fd9eee524c

Shavonne had wanted to say, ‘We’ve already met each other, discussed everything, and signed the contract, so is there anything else to do?’ but he held back, worried that he would come across as if he only cared about business. Fortunately, Turner didn’t press him further. Instead,e900a8ecfaabdfe9

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“Let’s have a glass of champagne in celebration.”cfc7cc3d7aeca258

Shavonne knew that a “glass of champagne” didn’t really mean just one glass. One, two glasses… if they started drinking, it would be night before he could return home.14ae5cdeb7026b1d

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‘I know Lewellyn will be waiting all night.’611b21b1cac04836

The image of Lewellyn loitering like a ghost at the entrance of the apartment building on a rainy day, soaked without even an umbrella, waiting for Shavonne, flashed in his mind. Shavonne sighed inwardly. It would have been better if Lewellyn didn’t care whether Shavonne stayed out or not.42b3d64fb5b9dfc1

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“I should be going.”b1c75e1b58373955

“Why?” Turner tilted his head. “Do you have someone waiting for you? A lover?”2dfe39a9786c61b0

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Yes, a lover, Shavonne was about to agree, but he paused to think it over. Turner’s eyes suddenly lit up. It was an aggressive look. “A lover, you say? I’m curious.”4c12a1f2100e6b4a

A warning bell went off in his head. If Turner indulged his curiosity and met Lewellyn… A shiver ran through his whole body. If Lewellyn harmed Turner, or if somehow Lewellyn’s true nature as a murderer was revealed and Turner reported him, Lewellyn would get hurt. Shavonne had to avoid this situation at all costs.77f9d83d93422d25

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Shavonne quickly made a0aa383144 an excuse, blurting fd12b0a8c9 out a lie be5b41c4fd he had once 087ca091ba told Doctor Fawkes.13f209591d306bb1

“It’s a dog. Not a person…”4ad3f6505c4816a7

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“A dog?”d4cf4c0c7204063b

Fortunately, Turner didn’t seem suspicious. Shavonne nodded. “Yes. A very big dog.” But the relief was short-lived. The next moment, Turner asked a question Shavonne hadn’t anticipated.224179a5dfc6c565

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“What breed is it?”14d8a3575fc19abc

“I used to have a dog too,” Turner said with a friendly smile. Meanwhile, Shavonne went pale. What breed? Not only had he never raised a dog, he didn’t even have any knowledge about them.e44e684a513cbc31

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“I… don’t know.”a68536f83841b31f

“Is that so?”e40e2b64105c3a52

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Turner didn’t seem to care much. But he kept asking questions, as if he thought he had found a good topic of conversation with Shavonne.15570ba444c8e10e

“Where is he from?”0d1fb4af30051417

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From? Where’s Lewellyn 80a5aec061 from again? Shavonne racked his brain but couldn’t recall where Lewellyn was from.066331a86b7d595e

“I don’t know that either.”b1d6d4eccdb32b8d

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“What about his bloodline?”75348a5fe9f07100

Bloodline? Lewellyn’s bloodline? Shavonne searched his memory but couldn’t remember anything about his family.94eb1fd4f3da1ccc

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“I… don’t know that either.”6749e089a2bad0b1

“Has he been educated?”947398246f92303d

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Education? Lewellyn’s education? Shavonne rummaged through his memories but couldn’t recall Lewellyn’s educational background. Shavonne’s face paled. It wasn’t because his lie was about to be exposed, but because he realized he didn’t actually know anything about Lewellyn as a person.80dccab7ac09dcc5

“…”49df8d394f8ea1ff

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“You don’t know that either.”5aaa0dfe40cf498c

Turner’s expression became peculiar, as if silently asking, ‘Are you really his owner?’50d90e5bb1f22673

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That had been 8bc153605b enough. Shavonne said 645dbb967d he had f1dd76168a to go 2170cbfb68 and hurriedly d2aa23c410 left the 1cb525ee0f house. The sunset was fading. The shadows were 5379b03f6e long.0975ad42e45872c7

Why don’t I 644bed4b3d know any of e044f9b9f3 that?d3cb90136ea9504f

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No, why daba1eedcd hasn’t Lewellyn d2a2259030 told me?c693e0b9cf8764f5

Was it because e179bbb7d5 there was no 113457efe2 need to say b61f2aa4ba it?3c3b31e8258bd188

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Or perhaps…368f55192048230f

Lewellyn deliberately didn’t tell me?d3a0e8bb62149c21

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As Shavonne f90316bbb3 entered the 6a6882be79 apartment, his 13e05b1e73 footsteps became 4d4b5781f8 heavy.‘It’s possible that he deliberately didn’t tell me.’A shadow fell over 7c0d397974 his face. An old 2645bae3c1 conversation with 3102787b1b Lewellyn faintly e80a6de681 echoed in 8eaec6472a his mind.c11d8c6c6d82b4a9

— …Could it be that you peel onions for a living? It’s just that… it seems you don’t have any other work besides peeling onions, but you have a lot of money.3d03d46667516a90

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— Which one is 79044b8010 better?2e2b233469f51ef3

— What?c08a880167d9b2b7

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— Depending 4195d843b0 on what c2245d2392 Mr. Shavonne prefers, I 965a125eb7 could be an 502f8bc47a aristocrat or a bac8ff713b lucky heir who 315c6858d1 lives in luxury 63ee6bdcfa thanks to the 2f9533a094 inheritance of a c8cdccfd29 distant relative.c62d40b6064315e7

That meant Lewellyn wouldn’t reveal his ‘true’ identity.638b57b5faa1714d

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He wouldn’t reveal 56ee163346 it.7e50fde5521b6586

Lewellyn’s attitude had remained the same as when they weren’t lovers.1c93f23ffbb348af

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That left him with a bitter taste. It’s not that Shavonne didn’t understand Lewellyn. Everyone had secrets. Shavonne himself had secrets he hid even from Lewellyn, the one was on his ‘side’. But understanding and sadness were separate. His chest felt heavy, as if crushed.2feba9d44a9baaec

One shouldn’t demand something from a lover. Of course, that ‘something’ includes interrogating about a truth you don’t want to discover.13b1b994ffbd164a

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But…03a9c81c99203262

In front of Room 303. Shavonne hesitated before turning the doorknob. His heart was pounding. Suddenly, if Lewellyn disappeared. If Lewellyn wasn’t there when he opened this door… how would Shavonne find him then? He didn’t know Lewellyn’s hometown, education, or family. He didn’t even know anyone who knew Lewellyn. The only things Shavonne knew about Lewellyn were his appearance, eating habits, and that he goes by the common name Lewellyn, which may or may not be his real name.738bd4fb45f61e9b

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Without Lewellyn…ed003fb53e69e0ad

If I’m left alone in a world without Lewellyn…e29dfa10e968eabe

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‘…’c305c0274331e31a

He stopped the thought. It was an anxiety that couldn’t be solved by just ignoring it. He had to stop it. Even if he couldn’t completely stop it, he couldn’t help but tryf4d8ed5907663e57

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He opened the 783a922ee2 door. The sound 29f8efe83d of the 041e072a95 door opening beaecce2fa was dull.cd0235d5cd4b81cb

“Mr. Shavonne.”38272d9db5830e56

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Lewellyn was inside. That was a faf0399286 stroke of luck. But Lewellyn staggering towards c9d4b330bf him and showing his e59d5bfe97 bloodstained hands wasn’t.f7717f937ce6f21a

“It’s bleeding again,” Lewellyn said, his voice lacking vigor. “Seems the wound opened up.”4afb19b0387cb6d4

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There was a puddle of blood on the floor the same size of a hand. Shavonne involuntarily felt his face stiffen. Lewellyn wasn’t dumb. He knew that blood loss could kill a person. And still…e148560ea021bca3

“What have you been doing without even applying pressure to stop the bleeding?”02871319c6ef35a3

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Shavonne replied, his voice 51a9ee712e raspy and heavy.2d919ae455504680

“I taught you how to do it, didn’t I?”26a04869852154c2

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If he was left alone in a world without Lewellyn. Shavonne knew the answer to that. He would live. He wouldn’t die like a character in a play, nor would he be transformed like a character in old tales that were passed down orally. He would just… live. Go back to where he was, and somehow survive like he had before meeting Lewellyn. Because life wasn’t a play or an old tale. Life wasn’t romantic.576ce0f81add758b

“…Where are you from?”f0108d8d4c479fdd

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Shavonne asked. Lewellyn didn’t answer. He had expected that much.9ee8067ea8ec0cf4

“What about your family?”0eb1e998a6384d1a

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Again, there was 9ab50411f9 no answer. He had also 330019c665 expected that much.58ab4a863cc8df41

Even if Shavonne kept asking, nothing would change. Shavonne would ask, Lewellyn would not answer, Shavonne would ask, Lewellyn would not answer, Shavonne would ask, Lewellyn would not answer… it was as clear as day.2b94c4d0377e77fd

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But Shavonne f6b97eaa0a continued to 7b8a615489 ask. He had a 3ebc2c561f glimmer of hope. A faint hope that 03825eb1ee perhaps Lewellyn would reveal 57140e04b1 his identity.ee63998645d19e55

“…Did you go to school?”b0add1cba8e3bbd8

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Of course, still no 63c4c567c2 response.530becd565c05a35

I’m glad 81c2be676e I didn’t fcb8409947 get my bbbc55686c hopes up, Shavonne thought.If I had, I would have been disappointed. And if I was disappointed, I would have been heartbroken…He swallowed cfed529b87 his thoughts 69b5dc4bd0 and said a2de61f91c nothing.97bab1e5b5463100

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“Mr. Shavonne.”cf032851392607d7

A voice said 7871d1e95d so faint that a4f2c7aac4 one would have b0faaed6aa to listen closely af62112d8a to catch it. It was Lewellyn.033e7841853e4343

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“I’m bleeding.”4e44bbef7e962d13

Tak.The sound of 0cc4005f3b a drop of 240300871d blood falling from f5b7d87cae his hand echoed.03f059572631568b

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***99d78bc6f8b2d299

Night. It was a 5529772e1c new moon, so 6430df4463 there was not 066b66bc2d even a faint c2705d0f45 moonlight, and the c74bdb08cd whole world was f29834d6e2 pitch black.11e0ed2521615147

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Shavonne was awake. He was too tired from going out, and for some reason, the sex that Shavonne had initiated and actively participated in was even more tiring, but he strangely couldn’t sleep. Tossing and turning on the bed in just his underwear, staring at the sleeping Lewellyn who had fallen asleep as soon as the sex was over, closing his eyes, then opening them wide again as he couldn’t sleep and glared at the ceiling.7a4d5b1ff2f10928

How long have cdd9121a27 I been like cee641ce1f this?Hundreds or thousands of 95c4586f34 dots that looked like 12682943e9 tiny insects began to 508aa145e3 appear on the completely 7d4d530613 black ceiling.678527de1b9d2e4c

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I can’t do this anymore, Shavonne 0691a8fff4 thought as da90b3ec22 he got 0f425e1303 up from b70b0147b3 the bed. The blanket f3c9ba5e6f he had 59006c540a shared with c0d3290302 Lewellyn slid b38714971e off. He decided he 6e66f2ed25 should read a 48ac46c97c dictionary. When not 1dbb89337d working on 71ea8eee23 a manuscript, afdac5e283 be it ae7e2efd3d ghostwritten or 918cf4b7d7 self-written, he 411070117c mainly used f3055e4d7e the dictionary 9ba82bdca4 as a 9b5c61c09d sleeping pill.49b7a8c167168397

He wanted to turn 9410664ae9 on the light, but 5af4b37fe9 he was worried it 995cdbbe00 would wake Lewellyn, who 066457d912 was still sleeping. If there was moonlight, 346f1f4218 he could have relied 42827075d2 on it to read 462b0dee50 the dictionary, but that ff743c9e3d wasn’t the case today.Should I light the d8cf9590e4 gas lamp? Or the ed73c34487 oil lamp?After deliberating, Shavonne 5e0af9b96d decided to use d6050e2740 a match.a6513b6e8580dfe0

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He walked to the desk. It was so dark that he couldn’t even tell where the door or the window was, but because he has been living for 8 years in Room 303, he was able to find his way by feel, though his hip couldn’t help but collide with the corner of the desk.e1aff9c31ab2dda0

Feeling it d7b7f56c01 in the 08d3c62fc2 dark, he 0b4851ec88 opened the e7ac5233e3 second drawer 168a462ba9 of the 7a7a73c408 desk and 2e4a7c38a9 pulled out d6e21c16db a small 90fa0f96b8 box that f43664350f fit snugly 74ab78e84c in his 7e960d9fd3 hand. It was aa649a5216 a matchbox.61474463df60244c

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Flick. As he e52e285e5f lit the 964f31c6d6 match, a 8760b05130 flame was af82d4852c briefly lit 577992b89d on the e5fa7397d1 matchstick before facb37eaed going out. The match flame was bd661255d9 lit for only a 1b5351d72a moment. It was too short 3e9f39eea8 to even make out 5050870de2 what was what.b54f9e7f1d5e0827

Shavonne saw ‘something’.29d6e796ce199355

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Before he could confirm 7d8937e2f1 whether it was real 17aaa91e72 or just his imagination, 1783cce744 the world turned pitch 2004848ce6 black again. Only the unlit matchstick f0a8e190eb remained in his hand.4bc189c0ddd2e356

…That was probably just my imagination, Shavonne thought. Recalling the tiny afterimages that looked like insects on the ceiling, it wasn’t a completely baseless speculation.365d07d2130eee67

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But…bb1593a0be8f8382

Trying to calm 510a768a45 his pounding heart, 6409b0b555 he pulled out cc51d81d72 a new matchstick.Chk, chk. Even after trying, the match refused to light. He decided that he would have to light the gas lamp if the match didn’t light this time as he tried to lit the match once again, and this time the flame suddenly flared up, almost as if it was a lie. It was a small flame, but it was enough to illuminate the room. Of course, it was also enough for Shavonne to confirm what the ‘something’ was.dc3fffc751698687

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It was a body. Lewellyn’s body.d88240c61217283e

His body was covered in scars. Although it was too dark, even at a glance, Shavonne could see the scars of cuts, burns, and bruises intertwined. He couldn’t even count how many scars there were. He almost couldn’t see the bare skin as it was so thoroughly covered in scars. It was astonishing that Lewellyn hadn’t been crippled by his injuries.a5d3d0b3b1b00706

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Suddenly, an image of Lewellyn’s fingernails flashed through his mind. In stark contrast to his beautiful face, his ten fingernails were hideously misshapen, enough to make anyone cringe.685c01061bc520e8

What Shavonne didn’t know wasn’t just Lewellyn’s hometown, family, and education.e86635a03d39b266

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The match went out. The darkness enveloped the room again, so deep that Shavonne couldn’t even make out what was what, let alone Lewellyn’s body. Fucking cheap matches. Cursing silently, Shavonne rummaged through the matchbox. Just as he was about to strike a new match…5db9f47a2b72ef34

“…Mr. Shavonne.”13aac8c0a5c4ea5b

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Shavonne stopped his hand. The friction on the 752dc22183 matchstick halted as well. His back stiffened.f3ef6e45b776e016

“What… are you doing right now?”458f99c7b3068936

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A voice came from 58c2912e8a the darkness.6049f7836c32fdb8

His mind went blank. Not knowing how to respond, Shavonne simply remained silent. The urge to know the stories behind the scars rose up like a thorn in his throat. He tried to control the impulse, repeatedly reminding himself that he shouldn’t hurt the person he loves, even out of idle curiosity. But every time he tried to control the impulse, a voice echoed in his head, stirring up the urge.56fc265b90e655f3

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‘Why do you have to control yourself?’81d515f0e4ad582a

‘You want to know what kind of person he is because you love him. It’s only natural.’03f62b5faf9d9cee

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‘Sharing secrets is a privilege reserved to only those who love each other. If you can’t do that, what’s the point of being family, friends, or lovers? It’s just a facade.’e253000942be21bb

‘Isn’t the position of lover supposed to be special? If it’s not special, why call it a relationship? Not telling anything is the same as with a complete stranger or a homeless person. No, worse than a homeless person. You might think you’ll never cross paths again, so you can spill everything to a homeless person, but not to a lover.’17b9f00c405e2ae4

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The image of Turner looking at him as if asking ‘Are you really his owner?’ flashed in his mind. That face. That gaze. It would not be strange at all to replace it with ‘Are you really his lover?’4430cf528f446c5f

Shavonne managed to control his thoughts. Of course, Shavonne was hurt. But he knew that just because he was hurt, he shouldn’t jump to conclusions or allow his thoughts to flow to extremes.828c8376b28e535d

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Between what his head knew and what his heart demanded, between reason and emotion, calculation and impulse, Shavonne was in a tug-of-war. Unless Shavonne was convinced or Lewellyn confessed his secret, this tug-of-war would likely never end. It couldn’t be helped. If only f6d3a7b20b love were 0037917284 always sweet, 0923a1ea69 but reality 8ed0151061 is far 87de288314 from that.c5e494775f71d72f

It was Lewellyn who woke up the lost in thought Shavonne. In the darkness, a silhouette indistinguishable from the darkness seemed to move, and before Shavonne knew it, it was right in front of him. Shavonne didn’t even have a chance to react. Lewellyn grabbed Shavonne’s hand. The grip, strong enough to be impossible to shake off, crushed the matchbox Shavonne was holding.0fe822eeed211fa0

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“I asked you a question.”89e3ab6bfe37c0b7

It was a 5905dff553 low voice. Suppressing his rising 2071bb2f42 emotions, he pronounced 96676b2d38 each syllable with 67dba08a1e effort. Shavonne had never 4144e1c62e thought Lewellyn could 6d0d502022 speak like that, 2345406959 but apparently he 966c60ae80 was wrong.6ab8fe8924b46563

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He was dazed. Shavonne knew nothing. Not only Lewellyn’s hometown, family, and education, but also the countless scars on the body that had mingled with Shavonne’s, the stories behind the scars, the reason for hiding them… what kind of person Lewellyn really is, too.dab708a4e6109683

Shavonne didn’t 80b343fd36 know Lewellyn.ed5381de215aa555

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“I asked what you were doing.”47138a8e05b72515

He said in a growl. Perhaps it was an illusion, but his voice seemed to be trembling slightly. The crushed matchbox fell to the floor. The dull sound of it colliding with the tip of his shoe and rolling on the floor echoed. Shavonne wanted to pick it up, but with Lewellyn firmly grasping him, he couldn’t even budge, let alone pick it up. He never knew human grip could be this powerful. It felt like all his common sense was being overturned.e6a57a7a4ca355a7

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Darkness. Amid it, 0c11009287 a bright aa35a6c9a0 yellow eye a2412f3cdc flickered like 9520f1e755 a nocturnal 5c855e7319 raptor. As Shavonne met that f1511a60b7 gaze, a cold chill 01de1e7d69 belatedly seeped into his 14584f9cbf numb mind. Shavonne snapped out of 822b33767f his daze.8c1902651453f2ba

“Let go.”2d45f5bf8055a15c

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But Lewellyn didn’t let 5fd84166dc go. Not only a50c78b22a did he bd23a3b64d not let f375af15b5 go, but 0b6daf3799 his grip af7170c721 even strengthened, 3e1e725ef1 enough to 55a853f577 make Shavonne e9a59b9098 wince slightly 4fc412d55f from the 7b73561d9a pain.a6a620540e02b03c

“What did you see?”3d27b5a5622ff8a5

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Shavonne thought about Lewellyn’s questions shifting from what he had done to what he had seen. Lewellyn knew what Shavonne did. He probably also knew what Shavonne had seen. But why did he insist on getting confirmation, Shavonne couldn’t even guess.8ca7ccfa9064a1fd

He focused his gaze cabc8759d8 on the darkness. Somewhere out a648fdacbb there, there 570f9f2114 was Lewellyn. A body 91a85403ba covered in 03b78f21c4 horrific scars, f6c4860236 gruesome enough cca41a77e8 to require 400ab559a7 courage to e0289b778c look at 46caeba110 directly. As he thought 90cc3c8860 about it, his b6c57ade58 lips parted and cc06461dee the question came 4fa37fe8ec out.33db9eb763c3b80e

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“…How did that happen?”f33b8b24e42d0f38

Shavonne did not dae1c3c169 miss the way ab71294c78 Lewellyn stiffened at 84c2fe17d4 those words.65abd9bc54d8966a

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“You don’t want to talk about it?”3da71e7d6aa77a93

Silence. Worried that 3d214ac648 he had ed93518931 pressured him, a74a76e8f2 Shavonne quickly 45eba38a9a said.1d4729f1d26ab8c1

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“If you don’t want to, you don’t have to…”e47b6160b5207883

“Did you see them?”49255ea456c5dfd0

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Huh?The sudden words left b71adac46b him flustered, but only d190c6db73 briefly.b2ec85753c95f64f

It was obvious what he was asking about with that. His body. And the scars on his body. Shavonne hesitated, then nodded. That’s when Lewellyn started to let go of Shavonne, but then suddenly changed and firmly grasped both of Shavonne’s wrists.90fdb060d4a0b714

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It felt like his bones were being crushed. It hurt so much that Shavonne thought he might shed a few tears. When he was first grasped, he thought the grip was strong, but compared to now, it was barely ticklish. Shavonne unconsciously twisted his wrists to break free, but Lewellyn didn’t let go. The more he struggled, the more tenacious Lewellyn became, like a demon vine in a swamp, trapping Shavonne.c71ee44f40e632e5

“You’re going to abandon me, aren’t you? You will, right? You’re going to abandon me?”c66e4b7a84f72db0

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That had been a drastic change. Bewildered, Shavonne forgot about twisting his wrists and looked up at Lewellyn. It was too dark to see Lewellyn’s expression, but judging from the trembling voice, he could roughly guess.a8208055f9d1f90e

“Now you know what I am, right? Alright. Okay, alright. There’s no way you don’t know. You don’t want to be with me anymore, do you? I’m hideous, aren’t I? Repulsive? You don’t want to see my face or hear my voice, right? Mn? Right?”f85389fd93636cbc

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‘He seems dangerous…’ He couldn’t lose his own reason in front of someone who had lost theirs. If only one of them lost their reason, it might be fine, but if the two of them lost their reason together, who knows what disaster might occur. Shavonne quickly regained his composure. He mustered every scrap of calm and spoke softly.7ef10888b758a334

“Listen to me.”28784a71b6feec2a

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Of course, it didn’t get through at all.f04042bdbc645da7

“You won’t touch me anymore, right? Yes, you won’t. Even if they’re hidden under my clothes, you’ll remember them. Even if the lights are off and nothing is visible, you’ll remember!”0e53397a72d94cc8

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“…Mr. Lewellyn.”efc725c1b09994d7

Of course, this time too, his words didn’t go through at all. Not because he deliberately ignored it, but because with his eyes rolled back – he couldn’t hear anything right now. But listening to the nonsensical rambling one after another, feeling ignored and not understanding what he meant, Shavonne couldn’t help but get angry.f11eabc2ef870ee3

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“This isn’t what I wanted to be. It’s not. I didn’t want to… Shavonne knows that too, right? I wanted to be Lewellyn too. I wanted to be Shavonne’s Lewellyn, but…”355e8ad80bbebce3

“Lewellyn.”a239cb370e7311b1

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“It’s not my fault, right? No, it’s my fault? Is it my fault? Mr. Shavonne, Mr. Shavonne, aren’t you a good person? You’re a good person, right? Mn? Don’t throw me away. I won’t let you go…”cdcb92aa86a60a30

“Oi.”f1b9f1cb052054d6

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The rambling stopped.8c6fb064f8215e7f

Silence fell. Lewellyn stared blankly at Shavonne. The unfocused eyes were slowly regaining focus. The crushing grip on Shavonne’s wrists finally loosened. ‘Oi.’ It was a rude address, but it was effective.ed1d8eaf33d9c146

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He hesitated whether to apologize for talking informally, but decided not to. Lewellyn had also used casual speech before (what was it again? ‘Shavonne, do you still have my candle?’), so that made them even.7010947f05558f93

Glancing down, he looked at his wrists. The grip had been so strong that the blood flow was cut off, making his hands deathly pale. Even in the dark, it was visible to that degree, so in a brighter place, he would be as pale as a ghost. He hoped his hands wouldn’t swell up and interfere with his writing, but he wasn’t very confident it wouldn’t.324b1b94676bd332

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Shavonne let out a deep sigh. Tearing his eyes away from his wrists, he looked at Lewellyn. Lewellyn’s complexion was also deathly pale. Not as pale as Shavonne’s hands, but not much better.1210484fbadc6c61

“Mr. Lewellyn,” Shavonne said. “It’s just a scar.”41d4bbf304256b3f

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“…”a3762f9ed1845f56

“I won’t lie to you. They’re unpleasant to see. To the point where you’d need to mentally prepare yourself before seeing them.”974028bb6c722652

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He had been eight years old, perhaps. He had worked as an errand boy at a private hospital, as instructed by the orphanage director. Even though it was a private clinic, Shavonne’s duties were simple tasks like boiling dishcloths, washing towels, or sweeping and cleaning rooms.3ec5ed1c74bed88e

The difficult part was going to the rooms. There were patients there. Some had severe burns all over their bodies, some were missing legs, and some had their faces covered in blisters to the point where it was hard to tell where the eyes, nose, and mouth were… Later, he learned that they were disabled war veterans. The private hospital was caring for these war veterans with no family.a4a70be5dd33a6ec

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It was 02b2ce62d6 terrifying, like 1a798d8b67 seeing monsters. For the eight cc64a320c9 year old Shavonne, 043edaf198 going to the 2e65325bef patient wards was 2e1c05fc92 a form of 6394b4d893 self-inflicted torment, akin 255aededfb to entering the 2631648a91 lair of monsters. As soon as he 70b35c39ac was done delivering the 7c6c9df83c ledgers, snacks, or water, 5245ea63b9 Shavonne would scurry out 139ab6c091 of the ward in d4305474bb a hurry.2e2074c9947a06f7

There were times when he was ordered to clean the wards, but then he would just do a half-assed job and finish it in about ten minutes. The doctors, nurses, or other workers would sometimes slap him for cleaning so carelessly, but he couldn’t help it. He was afraid the monsters would devour him.36786e689056772d

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However, that cb516a2289 was when 51faf185e2 Shavonne was 0999bd9413 eight. Shavonne wasn’t a 9a0eb882df little boy anymore. He knew the 64f2f0a062 interior didn’t necessarily 6a3155ea4c have to match 71adca824e the exterior. Being unpleasant 82a088a5fe to the 7aca6dc8c3 sight didn’t 9c027307c6 make one 8686262c85 a monster, ecca5b740b and being daabda4e9c beautiful didn’t 2d3472b454 make one 117ef1c453 a fairy. Similarly, being unpleasant 6a2e91aa1c to see didn’t 22866d2a37 make one a 90d5783474 fairy, and being 4854b5e5b1 beautiful didn’t make 2b28f01c86 one a monster.20728e2095b041c0

“But what does that have to do with anything?”2e1406be6e062d68

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“…”a51385ffb5b2ba2d

“I lov… I mean, I like you, but it’s not because you don’t have scars.”a15866dcda3d2967

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He loved Lewellyn. At first, it was because Lewellyn was ‘on his side’, but now… it was not as simple as that. He liked that Lewellyn was on his side, that he was tall, that his voice was soft, that his smile was bright, that his eye-smile was charming, that he was as good in bed, that he was charmingly arrogant while pretending to be polite, that he liked onions, that he wrote ‘New Yeer’ instead of ‘New Year’, that he liked sleeping in late with Shavonne… there were many reasons. If he had to pick just one reason for loving him, he couldn’t.fc592c12ac2b1d0c

Lewellyn said nothing. It was as if he didn’t trust Shavonne.67f62a0ca6c7ac44

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There was no use saying “Please trust me” or “Trust me or don’t” to someone with that kind of look. Shavonne let out a silent sigh. There was nothing he could do. Lewellyn must have his own reasons for not trusting Shavonne, just as Shavonne couldn’t trust Lewellyn because he didn’t know him. A fleeting thought crossed his mind – can there 4450b6599c be love 39d7f47c3b without trust? – before disappearing.b66c704d15d9d047

That’s when it happened. Lewellyn, who had been silently gazing at Shavonne, spoke in a voice tinged with wariness.aab40cee6334e901

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“…Do you still like me?”164f52a85d930e71

It was a good question. Shavonne quickly nodded his head. Worried that the gesture couldn’t be seen in the dark, he belatedly added, “Yes, I still like you.”42ded76005b25d5e

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After a silence, Lewellyn 9138a56419 spoke again, still wary.32c8d970141e2322

“…Really?”b15d126a9db83717

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“Yes, really.”2d2263444a03b503

“…Why?”e79f2bbefa43169f

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Shavonne couldn’t list all the reasons – that he liked Lewellyn being on his side, that he was tall, that his voice was soft, that his smile was bright, that his eye-smile was charming, that he was as good in bed, that he was charmingly arrogant while pretending to be polite, that he liked onions, that he wrote ‘New Yeer’ instead of ‘New Year’, that he liked sleeping in late with Shavonne… He decided to sum it up.3f121992391bcfaf

“Because you’re likable.”8aa1b8db787adf88

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He gave a faint smile. He didn’t know if Lewellyn could see it in the dark, but he wanted to smile for him anyway.9f43347c3957280c

Lewellyn didn’t respond. As Shavonne silently watched him, he suddenly asked a question. “And you?” It was the same question. “Why do you like me?”d35a6a4b18697eed

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It seemed like an easy question, but apparently it wasn’t. Lewellyn’s voice was heard from the darkness long after.afdeb998b15f746e

“…Because I can’t help but like you.”a811ba815d3e5ef9

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Shavonne thought. If the reasons he had listed – that Lewellyn was on his side, that he was tall, that his voice was soft, that his smile was bright, that his eye-smile was charming, that he was as good in bed, that he was charmingly arrogant while pretending to be polite, that he liked onions, that he wrote ‘New Yeer’ instead of ‘New Year’, that he liked sleeping in late with Shavonne – were the reasons Shavonne had brushed off as “Because you’re likable,” then what could the reasons be that Lewellyn had brushed off as “Because I can’t help but like you”?6a0bb3bb6146a31e

At that moment, Lewellyn’s voice was heard. “I can’t help it.” Lewellyn said. “Shavonne. I can’t help it.” The shadow seemed to be approaching, and then he whispered, almost inaudibly, “I have to kiss you.” And in an instant, he pressed his lips against Shavonne’s. The hand grabbing the back of Shavonne’s neck, the colliding noses, the overlapping lips – all were cold. It was an unusual cold kiss.2b0ba936e25a1bcd

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How long 7dd676df5f have we 10bfca1aab been like 6b6e72c9ce this?Lewellyn pulled away. Maybe his night vision 17a1553a3a was good, because even f1dab911de in the dark, he 47f88fbc4f could see everything as d72add28e2 he put on his 10750b235e clothes.c9d76a53a40a1b28

Before Shavonne could ask where he was going, he said, “Good night.”6c523eaa8782852c

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Lewellyn’s voice, 60af0d0998 bidding farewell 22bf22da80 in this 5452fa4faa way, was b6baaca360 subdued.c700a8527199be12

“Sorry about the hand.”589287e8e82ede60

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And with that, he left Room 303. Shavonne didn’t even have a chance to stop him.b10eb2b052469af4

Lewellyn was walking down the street. One step, another. With each step, his vision wavered. It wasn’t his feet that were wavering, but his mind. It didn’t matter what it was, though.bf8c22f310292e45

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When the scars were revealed, he thought everything was over. The audacity to growl, the audacity to cling to Shavonne, the audacity to be flustered – he had thought it was all over because of that.9b7be9fe6cea6bad

But fortunately, 979e71a987 he was 02a05c2dde blessed with 06e0b0f4b6 good fortune. It was 8b1bf9e7e3 the first 04652f097a time Lewellyn 353e708b41 had ever a52f1c9510 experienced such fa263ac289 good fortune.ff10d82d9f69c59e

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Even after seeing the scar, Shavonne didn’t remember his lost memories. Perhaps it was because he had only seen it for a fleeting moment, in the dim light of a small match. Or perhaps Lewellyn’s scars were so insignificant that they could not serve as a catalyst to trigger the memory.4f8c8deab7cbf8cd

Yeah, it must 8c70e4d766 be the latter. He had thought Shavonne would want to reject him, but that wasn’t the case. To think that Shavonne would want to reject him… Looking back, it was a foolish thought. To Shavonne, Lewellyn wasn’t anything more than nothing.96861f8976cbb15d

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The night was long. The darkness was dizzying. In his ears, Shavonne’s voice kept reappearing.be2e9023f4cc5a0d

—It’s just a scar.121eaf695b8b5c5a

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Lies.0d5d3f50d7cb5d58

—But what facfa2a6ca does that 0849fdded4 have to d22bb03bcf do with ec12a6fb0d anything?ca8c78b3be9478e6

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Lies.68bf1ef4f6cb66d7

—Yes, I 3c31dfabb3 do like a5b7f031d1 you.07fb2f8a39cbbbcd

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Lies.0d2bd4a864533bda

—Yes, really.0babc19837ecfc06

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Lies.8c73dba68fb329b5

—Because you’re likable.74484133ddad0982

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An unforgivable outright lie.1b0f2d97eb29afbf

Back then, too. Shavonne had said ad03fcc7c9 that scars disappear d5a2e314a2 over time. He had 2a7464eeb5 suggested making 74790a7b0c a bet, 493154371c saying that 4d082a28f0 he would 5cd692d93e stay with 2686f055c5 him until 1580ec1ba9 the scars 974fcee94c were completely 0b71be25cb gone, no 978dc50555 matter if 341777550b it took 805aa49dc5 a hundred 5117204cab days or 37687b3086 a thousand ed5784b99a days. But it was all b4caa86623 lies.f61ed6a83e7dd82d

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‘But what does that have to do with anything?’ He had heard Shavonne say that too. Shavonne had said it didn’t matter. But in reality, it mattered a great deal. It mattered enough that Shavonne could abandon Lewellyn without even looking back.576ac4c951e2323e

He likes me?10f811b4c4f216a8

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He really likes me?4e7f820afba1418d

It was a sickeningly sweet lie. If he was with Shavonne, he wouldn’t mind being blind or deaf. When he was with Shavonne, he always wanted to close his eyes and shut his ears. He had thought that before, too. But Lewellyn had learned eight years ago that he mustn’t do that. If he closed his eyes and shut his ears, he wouldn’t be able to see Shavonne turning his back, or hear the sound of Shavonne’s footsteps as he left. He wouldn’t be able to hold onto Shavonne. No, I can’t let that happen. Yeah, I know… that I can’t let myself be abandoned without any resistance.52f4ae1db8959127

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“Because you’re likable.”7c09b8f525fd4457

Did Shavonne really think Lewellyn was “likable” even though he knows what kind of person he is? Really? A laugh involuntarily escaped him. When he was in great pain, he would sometimes laugh. From the moment Shavonne abandoned him until now, always.51e453bdf76ac9b4

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—  Are you c3a03f1056 out of your a5cf68620d mind?e759c004562981ed

There’s that voice again. Even after eight years, and even after meeting him again, that voice never lets go of Lewellyn.b2cfccc83d400495

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—  You like me? You love me? Why, why don’t you go out of here and live with me? In a red brick house, with a fireplace, and we’ll even get a dog. What should we name the dog? Happy? Or Clover?5e301e98c797efec

He had stared blankly at Shavonne and asked something much more foolish than simply asking, “Shavonne, don’t you love me?”86d69b7865880a97

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—  Shavonne.c32c72ba629c9a6d

He called out. His voice was tinged 0e22eb09a9 with disbelief.12411c232eb435f8

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—  Have you ever 8be9ac37ff loved me?635eac412278bede

Silence. And the sound of 9a3e9020df rain filling that silence.b375573b3c1d5fa5

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Shavonne looked 02143c6b63 at him 069982c440 steadily and eee510de27 answered. His answer was cruelly 1557d25e60 decisive.cff19b87039cc88b

— Never.90715a24cc265f79

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He added,1dc5343941e085f2

—  Not even 9c1f9cc23e once.98a64817823d8155

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Today there bb9cfebdcb was a 081db4940a new moon, 4b64133b14 so the 3a78358f73 moon couldn’t 2ca0b89a7c be seen.f0fa6ad5a3968ab0

e9c088151aedfbb7

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