MLCD Chapter 1.9

The world was dark.6edffbfaf7719f1c

Until now, the lights were turning on intermittently, but seeing that that wasn’t the case now, the gas light’s life seemed to be at its end. Shavonne was greatful because that mean he wouldn’t have to face the murderer. Shavonne might follow the gas lamp to the afterlife in less than ten minutes, though.4672d115855c1c09

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Before dying, Shavonne 19ae67270c had a question.b6803c20979a7c30

“So…”b3809a2bc399f2c8

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Shavonne started talking.81ce396cfa7f2cf8

“I invited a murderer?”6b66aeb8639ed468

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“Right.”b5a1cdd063607811

Lewellyn was smiling.8d865a259e529c58

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“A young, handsome and cute serial killer who likes you very much.”f5a5ca899221afc2

The person bacb9ccaa5 he invited 71897891bb home for 1ab9658b6b the first 609a506efa time in 828ebacbb9 his 29 4bce3c8622 years that 3d5b904021 he could b10e662ab7 have kept bba82893d8 it a 52a4beb2e0 secret (unfortunately) 9f7ff75651 was a ea9c15d0ca murderer. Shavonne thought he was 00de9b6c12 unlucky. Really.e118f1a9ae5a078a

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Shavonne dated a total of 29 people over the past 8 years. They had various jobs as the number wasn’t small, but it was like typists, horsemen, chimney sweep s, osteopaths and even playboys.e5e6997fb54b47f1

Until now, Shavonne thought that his lover’s job didn’t matter, but he was mistaken. He realized the moment he knew it wasn’t an illusion that he confessed being the serial killer that had made a commotion in Ira Street for a while.6b0e728872e7c45d

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“Just in case you didn’t notice, I just confessed to Shavonne.”272da16f008dbeff

…The killer didn’t even allow Shavonne time to be pessimistic about his situation. Why does he have to confirm it when the situation was already miserable?72f7f9222f1ec7c7

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“…I know.”50fbfaffb07f5d4b

Shavonne replied. It was true. He wished he hadn’t known, but (unfortunately) Shavonne knew that the killer’s expression “really really like” didn’t mean respect, friendship or favorability.592ca4953f0ff242

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The rebuttal was 9405f0d118 immediately heard.5966a2f5b7f754ed

“You’re lying. If you knew, you wouldn’t have reacted like that.”27d859b1aa8c432b

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“Do I have to react?”4ae2db2723de4126

“Of course. I was waiting for a ‘I like you very very much, too’.”7442d560f7affebc

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He wasn’t wrong. Reactions such as “I’ve been waiting for you to say it” and “I like you very, very much, too,” which were used as examples by the murderer, were common. Also, some like “I didn’t want you to say that” or, “I like you very, very much, but just as a friend.”31b588716653941a

But those reactions were only possible on the premise that the confessor wasn’t a murderer. Shavonne decided to react, not lie, without defying the killer.378dc57bd5cfc206

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“I feel like fainting.”570062bbceb95dc0

Of course, that meant that he wanted to run away from here. But …addfd1f1ccb6d4ee

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“I should’ve told you earlier if I knew you’d love it so much that you’d faint. I’m an idiot.”da21d9ea85b8630c

…The meaning understood by the murderer seemed to be somewhat far from what Shavonne’s ‘real meaning’.15df9b29bce6405d

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Shavonne was silent. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to correct him, but he had to be careful because it might speed up his death (in about ten minutes). He wanted to live even for ten more minutes. In those ten minutes, it was less than likely that the murderer would be struck by a lightning or a sudden outbreak of war, but there could even be a miracle of the police coming in and arresting the murderer.2c97044ae68f2aeb

He knew those thoughts were useless, but he couldn’t let go of hope because he was now living a reality where more absurd things happened frequently.3fd3e43e7985a220

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“Why don’t you say anything?”641d2431d4f6cc17

Sure enough, the killer didn’t even allow Shavonne time to hang on to hope.360323fff0d49fec

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“Don’t tell me… you don’t like me?”7137df9cd561d922

“That’s…”960a78ca7c75f199

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Shavonne paused. He was fad0cd8638 worried that 2e48ebc0a0 he might 5148dc1a8f get killed d8fec803e6 as a 208503a2ef revenge if 726c18616d he said 0d83147d8b that he f7214eceb4 didn’t want 3ddd43cac9 to date 78f4372d1e a murderer.4a753113de5251c3

“That’s?”2cd9df6b7f697156

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Was Shavonne’s pause unsatisfactory? The killer’s voice was fierce. Shavonne dozed off unconsciously. Shavonne’s only answer was, “I don’t want to date a murderer,” so he had to come with another one, but he couldn’t think of anything. His head was spinning, but before he knew it, his mouth was saying an unfiltered answer.c2d76c374d116225

“I-I only date full-time employees. Not part-timers.”f9731d0492984923

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Of course, it was a lie. Chimney sweeps or osteopaths who dated Shavonne weren’t suitable jobs either. Not to mention the one who used to be a playboy.a8705e4276f1439f

The murderer didn’t give up. Rather than giving up, he held both of his hands and his eyes shined. If there was no faint moonlight in the room, he wouldn’t have to see it. He sighed.b6adf01121e38014

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“Will you go out with me if I get hired as a hitman?”205fed3ef6a50aac

That was terrible.1a1f8d93b6864b29

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“That’s not it…” Shavonne hurriedly tried to take care of it. “I mean, change what you do. You have to be a typist or a horseman or a chimney sweep  or something.”c7d2b10f6295098b

“Will you go out with me then?”edb9f50385e5dcde

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“…”fc9d8cd1a6de9997

Shavonne couldn’t answer. Even if he changed to be a typist, a horseman, or a chimney sweep, a killer was a killer. Aside from the unpleasant change of job as a murderer, there were more than one or two dangerous problems like being a time bomb. First of all, there was a possibility that Lewellyn would be arrested.04cb0b9868b13031

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If Lewellyn was arrested, Shavonne was also a problem to be branded as a murderer’s lover, but the bigger problem was that Shavonne could be accused of being an accomplice. If he was accused of being an accomplice, he would disappear with Lewellyn being given his sentence, and if he was  accused of aiding and abetting, he would leave Lewellyn and rot in prison for the rest of his life.f9afc9718f66a806

Secondly, it was his personality. What if Lewellyn killed Shavonne after a lover’s quarrel? Bad love ruined a person. August Basch was the living witness. Even August, who wasn’t a good man but not a felon, turned into an extreme stalker after being notified of the breakup, and Lewellyn, who was a felon from the start… He didn’t even want to imagine what a horrible son of a bitch he would be.6d7b30912d3436b2

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Just in time, the aa3049d818 murderer started talking. The point was fc16a4bb5e crystal clear, as a31036ddb5 if he had 2f9f9674cb read what Shavonne 23c6176ffb was thinking.b70f6b851d7b516d

“As you know, I’m a bad person.”c76c210541fda3ee

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He knew. He got sick 8097d683f3 because he knew 2f7f2d6c90 it too well. Shavonne nodded violently as 2611022261 an agreement.25a722c7e716e68a

“You know, being a bad person doesn’t mean being a bad lover.”51a5c318ecaaee91

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…Who knows. Shavonne stopped nodding in disapproval… The murderer continued his words without caring.7df904af91d132de

“You know, I’m young, tall, handsome and rich.”ed37cfa5854814b2

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Three of the four prideful things the murderer said were right. But he couldn’t know whether the other last one was true or not. Yeah, it was only natural because he had never checked it.ddc432a25445c468

Whether he was a 473bcbab6a bad person or a 88e371cc77 bad lover, being young, ddf06e22ff tall, handsome and rich 733a87f1b1 was an essential thing 9ccd346255 to know before dating, 363e22e525 but there was something 2270a14b3b else. Shavonne asked.0811565adf069511

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“If I refuse, do I die?”a9e2ccc29b66943a

A faint moonlight got through the open window. The moon, which had been covered by clouds, was revealed and hidden, and then revealed again. It was a moonlight that seemed like a flickering fire because it kept hiding. The killer blinked as if he didn’t understand. The long eyelashes surrounding his eyes were bluish because of the light. Shavonne asked again.bc00b6ac50ad2463

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“Will you kill me if I refuse?”b1e624e54e9a2933

“Don’t get me wrong, Mr. Shavonne.” The killer’s voice in response was sweet. There was an unbelievably soft smile on his lips. “I don’t kill people in vain.”4ec38c3c6781156a

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“But if you’re rejected, you can’t help but feel bitterness.” He tried to add calmly, but his saliva was drying up. “You might want to kill me or something.”f0e8b9bbcc9839e2

Trying to kill 6f27bd73db someone just because 92e37ea878 you were rejected. If it were the c021909124 Shavonne of one year c1b34b8fff ago, he would have b3064e5ddc said it was nonsense a08dcf2603 that would only happen 4df2ec8669 in a novel, but f508b4d530 after suffering from an 27f885742f ex-lover who tried to 05983760ac take his life while 6bb38c18c5 stalking Shavonne just because 03e3cfd8f3 he broke up with 08783b905a him, the world was 6e6cdb05d4 crazier than Shavonne thought.1b30f83882d952ba

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“If I were going to kill you because I wanted to, I would come at you every time I wanted to hug you and kiss you, and I would rape you whenever I wanted to.”c9055da7452791a8

The murderer smiled ef09273728 broadly.e3ae00b73c914e63

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“The only people who can’t stand their desires are children and animals, and as you see, I’m not a child nor an animal. I can’t be a child as I’m so sexy, and I can’t be an animal as I’m so handsome, right?”b8b80a37eebb76c4

…Yeah, if he were a child or an animal, he wouldn’t have made Shavonne feel as dumb as he did now. He was relieved when Lewellyn told him that he wouldn’t be killed even if he refused. Those thoughts were the half of the ones in his mind.56b37d84e15c08e6

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The other half was…f2a1e0b427d0c9d0

“Are you going to take the apartment from me?”e7a052164a528941

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He couldn’t help it even though it seemed like a pathetic question. Whether the killer saw Shavonne as a snob or not, that matter made Shavonne ponder after being guaranteed his life.078b52f9ad3c644f

He didn’t want to be called a snob, though. Shavonne didn’t mean to ask, but he didn’t want to be kicked out of the house and sit on the street in exchange.705d4609cd52c181

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It wasn’t like that from the beginning. Shavonne followed the ideals when he was a minor. He lived as a good, gentle and right person as the world taught him. When the head of the orphanage told him to hit the bully, Shavonne refused, and when the boys and girls at the orphanage knifed, stoned or trampled on their feet a frog, Shavonne stopped them, and when a gang that was working with the orphanage ordered him to pickpocket a passerby, Shavonne didn’t do it.36e0d7049cb8f01a

And all that came back to him. The orphanage director starved Shavonne. It took a week for the director’s anger to subside, and during that week, Shavonne didn’t eat a single meal. If he hadn’t dug through the leftovers, he would have starved to death.8f4954674b3512df

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The boys and 614c528209 girls at the 90a84f3715 orphanage began to ff9e7a8f37 reject Shavonne. There was a case 0f8fbbe997 where Shavonne was lynched 2a1cc163f1 about a month after fcd4e09c51 the frog incident. Shavonne was on d0cf84f208 the blacklist of 88fda8d268 the criminal organization ef6f6784b2 for refusing the 1e5e9f2e7d order of pickpocket, 4bdbd7fcca and he was e59f7d6a00 also on the 69f73323f6 blacklist of the f2c516be67 orphanage, as it 6be9831dbf was closely linked cbd6bd1932 to the criminal a311ab9706 organization. The orphanage was famous f2a90cdf23 for providing jobs when 1cbec1aab8 a student left the 35b19ab3a4 school as an adult, 041c0bff33 and Shavonne was an 600ad5a569 exception to the aid.632972f09dd6000f

No one helped Shavonne. Many people who praised Shavonne as a good, gentle, and right boy didn’t give him bread and didn’t give him a house nor did they protect Shavonne from anyone who looked down on him.a7737fc91ad0d135

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The law couldn’t force ideals on those whose survival wasn’t guaranteed. Shavonne wanted to live. He didn’t want to starve, he didn’t want to be beaten, and he didn’t want to be disrespected for being someone good, gentle, or right.985f0826da650399

“You may call me crass, but don’t take away the apartment…”9242f2f34317e912

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“What do you mean?”b504e5cea513a769

The murderer cut 13f1edfc00 him off. Shavonne, who let 91952880b7 out his voice d18e4b2e8d with all his 3c7b3c2423 might, had a 3809b592fa straight attitude.514499304a512f07

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“How could I take the apartment? If it were mine, I would have taken it away, but it’s the apartment that I and Shavonne rent together. Have you forgotten?”30500ead691baaff

“That’s…”4e30db5efff21924

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Shavonne shut up after trying to respond, “That’s nothing but a pretense”. Shavonne and Lewellyn knew who was the actual tenant between Shavonne, who hadn’t paid a penny for the rent, and Lewellyn, who paid alone for 30 months’ rent.0fd3be36ed0dab95

If the conviction that he wouldn’t be killed even if he refused reassured a part of his mind, that he wouldn’t be kicked out even if he refused reassured the rest. However, it was inevitable that some of the anxiety didn’t disappear, sticking to one corner of his mind.7e2a727964ae5950

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Just in d5d6755b39 time, Lewellyn 363e056edf opened his c3d9df0dc1 mouth. The remark hit 62ade64956 the nail on 7656b66197 the head as ba11e652ae if he had 4c9acbb15a seen through what a42eb97edd anxiety Shavonne was 711a135517 feeling.a67e13d6b007d4a7

“I won’t hurt you.”2ee5c4d4084dfa2d

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The yellow eyes stared 85cd3300a1 at Shavonne. The unblinking eyes e99453ce56 felt like those af1e305e0e of a dead 76ea6ad9d4 body.0c75da8b85c5fd1e

“No matter what.”5b924a551872285b

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That was enough. Before answering yes or no to the killer’s love confession, he checked all the things he would have checked to an ordinary person, so it was time.abeea6d946b08994

“Mr. Shavonne.”1e499de8bb7a1faa

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Lewellyn’s voice was sweet. The person who called the name “Shavonne” so affectionately was no other than Lewellyn, and if he tried to recall someone who did the same, no particular face came to his mind. Maybe Lewellyn was the first. Maybe he was the last time.ff82be2f501ee845

Lewellyn cut to the chase while he was thinking. It seemed that I wasn’t arguing, but as a result, it was the point that we were discussing throughout the exchange.3a932a643d12b731

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“Will you go out with me?”758756608086c4c5

The moonlight flowed ad0aa1ffb0 in. The wind was blowing, 92b62eb822 and every time a 8270265d4f huge tree near the 5c1e70040e window shook against it 05bc4ceb37 and leaves were flying. It was a d9b59ee079 night full of 0a581cb148 darkness.0a7226fd3d877ebf

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Shavonne replied.61806a546fff2c9f

“No.”266b99257ea45aa2

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That was the 79952f4782 only answer Shavonne 5e00364bd6 could say.7120dc28852e7389

***caa97ed7ec8a67f0

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Shavonne woke up at 31ac3e7d5b the sensation of the 9ea8d16ffd up-coming spring. Going from 4e54b9ce78 the ceiling 099e35bdfc to the fd348a66c1 wall and 7d38a83afd from the 8dc537b068 wall to 072d2aae41 the window, 8ae0548b2c his eyes 880265610e stopped at 7eb565edbe the slightly 741de3605b opened window. Because of 2b8e1c7462 the spring ad9ce42347 breeze coming 8c1c3c470a through the 8bc2494445 window, the eaf5c41878 curtains were e4e4e3ce20 moving forwards fdc6231304 and inwards.2ae6990e544aedcb

It was morning. The sunshine of the sunny day lit up the house without a single cloud to be seen. For a moment, he felt drowsy. A smirk came up over Shavonne’s face as he stared at the open window and the curtains. Shavonne must have been crazy last night to sleep with the window open all night, or he was so numb that he forgot to lock it before going to bed.c52ee1e720f11a4a

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If he caught a cold, that would be a problem in its own way, but Shavonne’s bewilderment now wasn’t just because of the cold. Sleeping without locking the windows on Ira Street, which was like a nest of criminals, was like showing off your confidence, even if you were on the fifth floor. Whether your property is stolen, your life is lost, or even both, it will not be a very pleasant experience.6a7b762dac422a24

He stood up. The blanket covering his body slipped down. He couldn’t help but remember last night, that made him forget to lock the door.d0914d38b1baa62f

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— Will you b32dbdd14c go out with 2bbe473d8f me?30e15169077d36c1

Lewellyn’s face was covered by the night. The only things that weren’t, were his yellow eyes and blue cheeks under the moonlight.22fd68107ac1951f

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The moonlight was 112c786cb2 flowing calmly. The wind blew 9beee811f3 and every time ac1cff0500 a huge tree 3f752632db near the window dcebc24c7a shook against it f629014b5b and the sound 27b58e5de5 of leaves flying 8ed38ed1ca was heard.1d8e0350fdc4ed61

— No.8eb7a24d1b88e768

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Everything remained 3ab7ed8edf the same e54f3b854b when Shavonne f0719960cc refused. The moonlight e07428c23b was flowing 4852798f66 calmly. The wind 23a4a53815 blew and 2af0dd42ad every time 48222d474f a huge fea284a244 tree near e9daf843f0 the window cedd3f824f shook against afc8346f82 it and 511e847164 the sound d6a4265eda of leaves c7b1876431 flying was 1dc26786e9 heard.079962aa8ba5426d

Silence was all over. Like a a4f2fbc4c0 hundred years 369760bfe2 in a c1b3214d9a second, a c6712f8e38 minute full e1bf836f46 of silence ddfbd6678c felt like 8b10f2bd3d a thousand 4146a1a0a4 years. Shavonne felt anxiety bd93e292b4 rising slowly in 4ee2598f6c his stomach.2ce62b2e946b8080

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Did he believe too much what Lewellyn said, that he wouldn’t harm Shavonne even if I refused? What if he was lying. Even if it wasn’t a lie, it could be all talk before being rejected. Now, after being rejected, the story could be different. Just as he thought, Lewellyn broke the silence.bfcb448a610a87ed

— Ah.51914a436e343b1e

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There was no exclamation. It was an unpredictable voice that he didn’t know if it meant “Then there’s nothing I can do” or “Then, die.”5370a2e6937e6c8c

Lewellyn added…920a81674af71f2e

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— I see.0cc8c69dc0a574c9

That was all.c42158e54be298f1

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The reaction was quite different from usual. Of course, he couldn’t be calm as if nothing had happened since he was rejected, but this reaction was also awkward. He didn’t know that he was the one who caused such a reaction, but Shavonne couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable. He constantly thought about whether he had to pretend to hesitate before he replied “No”or if 048198063f he had 8981449236 refused too 7bfeec8a7f firmly.a31e46248cd4e43a

— … Are you okay?bfdd500349c2f0d4

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In the end, Shavonne couldn’t help but ask. And he regretted it as soon as he asked. He hoped he wouldn’t get the wrong idea, thinking that he’s teasing him. Shavonne had nothing to say if Lewellyn scolded him.5bc3def401179fe4

Fortunately, Lewellyn didn’t scold him, but…f1c2c52300c3a27a

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— Yeah, of 0356734e6b course.17badc57d4e9a87d

He added with a 21d5443827 bright smile.ff6195b309471e56

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— I’m okay. I couldn’t be better. I’m fine.66c6dd56295f38ac

…Is it because of the feeling he gives that the bright smile looks unnatural? Shavonne felt uncomfortable.4e3ce1eba9390127

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Before he knew f9e9f0f4e3 it, Lewellyn was b64897c21e at the front 79300c52af door. As if to recall a70bdb3bc2 what he had forgotten, 81e18c7aa6 Lewellyn turned his head 2236fcd3db suddenly, looked at Shavonne, 9081e82c82 and turned the front 9ba56d05ab door handle. Of course, what Lewellyn aec629706d says…2dffb8523d7d9b00

— Then, thank you 3d5a9cdcad for the meal.c15a56c320b6410f

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— No need to cda61c156b thank me.3e0b5c021c95c645

— I’m going to miss the ashy flavor of the roasted beef all night long and the pudding that the world’s best chef made after 30 years of retirement too.6bbac440c7f648be

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— …3108c9a4943e3d70

Shavonne didn’t answer anything. He didn’t know why, but he couldn’t help but notice that Lewellyn wasn’t neither fine nor better.4e8d834aeec4acc9

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The front door opened, 318803ba32 so the hallway could b96754557e be seen. Lewellyn was 49e42b322f standing on 6ac1cfc40e the border a5c2ace6c2 between Room efd49326d9 303 and 7828588e6c the corridor. If he took 964b4856d4 a step forward, bd3f814d20 he would be df2748016a in the corridor, 57b9317093 and if he ef3416e000 took a step 580ba26c9b back, it would 571ed409ff be room 303.d2d3d58a8246985b

It was an accident that Shavonne started talking at that moment. A literal ‘accident’ that took place without self-awareness.c7cda2b97d2d0607

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• We can be friends, right?

Ttuk.540bb15c980d2913

Lewellyn’s body stopped. His back, which didn’t even move, was all black. He couldn’t tell what Lewellyn was looking at because he could only see his back.5ea54ee03138e4b6

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But the next moment, Lewellyn casually turned to Shavonne as if it had all been a lie. He had a smiling face but his eyes weren’t. He wished he hadn’t noticed it but unfortunately Shavonne had.ebd224afe4be7f3f

— You’re too cd27ad6d69 cruel, Mr. Shavonne.380d405c50d97f52

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He said in a light voice with a smile, but there was a deep wound behind it. He wished he hadn’t noticed it but unfortunately Shavonne had.40a35b5325668425

— There’s no need 5f0c8dcfc5 to be so heartless, fdd230e16a is it?f92443a020ed6a16

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It was because 77c8858e43 of that word 6f59fb08f7 that Shavonne had 02ee543429 been tossing and 00173cec1f turning all night 0972f20538 in bed. He did 609c527d95 mean it 5290f12653 when he e335dc6a2f asked to 53df9da41e still be 4d287a78e1 friends. The idea was to 8123e518d4 greet each other in 64589d2671 the hallway of the 07036ae830 apartment building in Ira, 24f021f310 put snacks in the 42534f1f67 mailbox, and become friends 284340319f who often eat at a10126b71b home or at a 54a9bcc317 restaurant. He thought that 64411ad68b would be fine.1721f7042b56a0d3

The problem 4dd49bf351 was that d9da0503db Shavonne was 95b4ff8570 overlooking the 1611ab986d fact that 0267f078ae it was 782bf1ea2b rude to 33799b153b say so 36d42a0844 to a 9dbb19b5eb person who b04079ee59 had just fa9612d2fe been rejected. Was Lewellyn feeling 12aed93a1b compassionate or sympathetic? Or did 402b772918 he feel ca06976c3e ridiculed?eecd1f67d930d616

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Shavonne wanted to 419bcb18aa strangle the himself 2aca50edd3 of the past, deb58d9423 saying,‘Can we be friends?‘. If he could, he wanted to bite his tongue so he wouldn’t repeat to be such a dick.daf14353a528c710

Damn. I’m a piece of shit. I can’t even respect someone who confessed with all his heart and keep the minimum courtesy to him. Shit, shit, shit.e984415c2a8346ab

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Shavonne couldn’t bear the shame and put his head on the head of the bed. As he felt a sense of shame, he was going to bang his head several times, but he gave up. It was because it was obvious that if he didn’t give up, he wouldn’t have any brain left. He didn’t want to break his head trying to relieve himself. It was even worse to become a cold body with a broken head.9c2414d858192939

Struggling with such regret and shame, Shavonne forgot the relatively “small” things he had to do. Things like arranging the table with tableware, checking for the gas as it didn’t turn on, or closing and locking the open windows.6f0059e82a28cdec

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“…”bd803ad1ce56aba2

At that point, Shavonne put away last night’s memories and returned to reality. The sun was lighting the house in the morning. The dust shone in the light, then darkened and then shone again.8f4d27360f253fc6

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Ashe approached the window and closed it, the billowing curtains stopped. The curtains showed no sight of movement, somehow reminiscent of silence. Something passed through Shavonne’s mind. It felt like anxiety, fear, and at the same time an emotion that didn’t fit anything. He didn’t realize what it was. At least so far.cc0d3098fea03f4e

Less than an 908be95907 hour later, at e0a42616c6 noon. On his 5b05b0fcac way out ea4a694072 of the 763e50ff12 house to 9c8e92ce1d do grocery 794a04138b shopping, Shavonne 119ec82635 was confronted 9ac3673fd9 head-on by a67f189dc1 Lewellyn, who 2ae2db8814 was just a2ccf0c7c4 climbing the bc629b0d5e stairs.312a0bdaf6503186

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In a short moment, the thought of ‘What should I 12a62ded0b do?‘ flashed through Shavonne’s head. “Should I say hello or not?” It would be awkward to know a person and ignore them. It was a matter of course. They were no longer ‘the one in room 302’or ‘the one in room 303’. They were ‘the one in room 302 who was rejected ‘and ‘the one in room 303 who rejected him’.cfbab911de5cd7e8

That alone was an 24164273e6 uncomfortable relationship, and Shavonne 14bc190de3 even threw fuel on 480884a0d6 the fire, so their f449a3b38d relationship might be less bedd14a65b than an uncomfortable neighbor.00bb819168f5a937

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A conclusion f57e16ca7b quickly came 8a21216b33 to him.918e766ae7048930

“…Good morning.”ef081c24099cb33f

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Pretending nothing happened, Shavonne greeted him. Of course, (although Shavonne himself didn’t know) because of the awkward smile Shavonne was making, it didn’t feel as if nothing had happened between them. On the contrary, it felt like the “nothing” that happened last night was emphasized.11623b73f888c455

“Yes, good morning.”5da4a376ca860bbb

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Lewellyn was fine. For Shavonne, who abeda65171 had guessed that 6de83641fa he was suffering 4abd024c42 from a broken 786833b9fb heart, he seemed 25603e4dd6 very fine.8d1438e93164ef24

What should I say? ‘You’re doing fine?’ Or ‘Please forget how rude I was yesterday’? Or ‘I guess you’re on your way back home?’c2dfb30883efc20d

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While he was thinking, 683232ab8a Lewellyn opened his mouth 52c3038432 first.206d5a94641f8828

“May you move aside if you don’t have anything to do?”d1c498d06d39c1c1

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He added, casually pointing 93ce26411a at the door 302 a0801dbae8 that Shavonne was blocking, a2200cdfa3 calmly.52ad85597481ef1b

“I have to go in.”ba2e45d394f7f0c7

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…Shavonne had a tingling 7a8a736f3f sensation in the back e3d14e349b of his head as 6b874253f8 if he had been 7f18c25d7a hit.9520bf2838147010

“Oh, and.”fed59746b275416b

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While Shavonne couldn’t respond, Lewellyn opened his mouth again. He looked as good, perfect and intact as he himself said last night.c73a04e276ac5e78

“I advise you that you’d better not smile at me for the next three months, because it would be unfortunate if I’m under the illusion that Ms. Shavonne likes me.”6e096f84373f7e83

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He smiled and added.140443cfb568dd16

“Right?”11ef33fbe49dae36

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***cd0f0135b506e9d9

Shavonne understood. Right, he would if Shavonne were Lewellyn. It was wise to draw a line to prevent any misunderstanding. Yes, but humanly, he couldn’t help doing something about it.80d403c83b10b2cb

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Lewellyn’s voice, “May you move aside if you don’t have anything to do?”came to his e57703aed7 mind constantly. He thought about it d7953162f8 while sleeping, eating and 0f7ed9a56e walking along the street. The only time 47fe80b6df he was free f77799aa79 from that voice 50dbcf182a was during working ef560b02b6 hours.2573b42fc01ba097

Newell had d32dc5317d been requesting 6fa500f4b3 more frequently c930d0fae9 recently, and d1a124870d the letter f71145f0ab that Newell c496ca0048 sent for 98bd9f602d correction was 5038d5abd6 such a 9cc900886f mess that 48653901a9 he had 79be601bdb to focus 502faed7d8 without time 59c8f453e2 to recall abde98a1b3 the voice 8bcb8118f4 saying,“May you move aside if you don’t have anything to do?”8aaf0f1f0a355cc0

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「S Last night I thought all night about what love is. What is love? Some say it’s what you cherish and value very much and others say it’s one of human’s most profound and complex emotions an instinct that allows humans to have passion and desire and give it to others but it’s all nonsense A dog barking it’s a far more persuasive argument than that. The people who love are all masochist Otherwise, they wouldn’t have tortured themself like that Damn you why won’t you love me back why won’t you love me back. S, think about it again If you do, you’ll know it’s better to love me than not to love me Please reconsider it There’s no one who can love you more than me, and even if there is, I’ll kill him.」2c9ff44d6e0f31e4

「Why don’t you love me If I tell you everything, will you love me. What should I do to make you love me? What should I do? What should I do? I want to cry. Will you soothe me if I cry? Of course not. I’m not looking forward to it, but if I cry out loud, you’ll at least look at me, right? Yeah? Right? Say yes Please」26708abf25e839e3

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「Shall I tell you everything Then will you love me I wish I were the world to you like you are the world to me Just like you’re the world to me, I have to be the world to you I want to die, but don’t worry I just want to die. I don’t mean I’ll die I’ll never die How can I leave you behind I tried so hard to find you but if I was going to give up like this I wouldn’t even start it. I’m not a fool I won’t make mistakes twice 」359de03d5e314344

He didn’t e7783a7d28 know why 565d483fd0 this bastard c4589531f9 wrote crap 72f915e1a2 down and 95f8696190 called it 2ea743deff a love 746cda4e14 letter. With a c3d8d42790 sigh, Shavonne a352fdb5ae wrote the 5557899965 principles a 46a6dc000a sentence must 1c3cea342b have at 1a6bd37842 the beginning e3ec57ba63 of the f5f49db0b0 letter before 45f012b3b5 writing the 96548a5860 correction.91522f71176ae96a

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「Mr. Newell. At the end 7d1d49fd0f of the sentence, 4142300c53 you must write 6179f4b2b6 down symbols such 9126e04dd2 as period (.), ff361efba6 question mark (?), 0459668a26 comma (,), exclamation d2a57bd3e4 mark (!). 」41628fab098d9d7e

And then 476213a210 he outlined 4be9096358 the basic 7a8de62ee2 rules of 4785685c42 a composition.b006cd67d989ba85

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「Whether it is a comprehensive composition or a non-comprehensive one, there should be a text that delivers the purpose. Mr. Newell’s S would never like anything written in a gibberish way (unless he has a gibberish fetishism). Do you understand? 」5994c2fe0a8bff06

Although he pointed it out, he didn’t expect Newell to change his writing habits. Habits are not fixed overnight.add43ede074f18af

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To his surprise, however, the letter arrived from Mr Newell three days later had been perfectly fixed. There was no sentence without a connector, and it had a perfect structure. As expected, it worked when he told him that S wouldn’t like it. Shavonne was proud of himself.64c82ea105a544c3

***facdc5ea2e7f6cea

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One warm spring day, Shavonne greeted Lewellyn when he went out. He didn’t smile. As Lewellyn said, a smile between the one who was rejected and who rejected him could have caused a misunderstanding.27fa6fb99ce54b1c

“Hello.”91790da9a31cae9f

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“Yes, hello” Lewellyn said, trying to turn around and pass Shavonne. Shavonne hurriedly talked to Lewellyn and caught him.3e624f5630c92753

“Where are you going?”5b276a3cdc459abe

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“Yes, I’m going” Levilin replied and turned around and tried to pass Shavonne. Shavonne hurriedly talked to Lewellyn and caught him.37b68839da36aa59

“Don’t you peel onions anymore?”d65b402d6b476099

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“No, I don’t” Lewellyn replied, and turned around and passed Shavonne. Shavonne hurriedly tried to catch Lewellyn but failed. It was because he couldn’t think of anything to say.ac38910523fc2278

There were days when fb1c649c2a Lewellyn dealt with Shavonne 8f17f4d254 in a polite manner, 0722372730 and Shavonne exchanged greetings ff42bb203b with him quite awkwardly, 70ee38c06c and some he overlooked 201563dace him as if he c3ee0793dd didn’t see him.e2c2a63fdec43073

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Fortunately, there were significantly fewer encounters with Lewellyn than before. That’s because 95 percent of the situation Shavonne ran into Lewellyn was when he left home and faced Lewellyn, who was sitting on the stairs of the apartment peeling onions.ec9758c086c2002a

Lewellyn no longer peeled onions. At least in public places like the staircase of apartments. On that day, the stairs of the apartment were empty, and the stairs of the apartment were empty the next day too. It was the same until the next day, the next day, and the next day, but the stairs of the apartment were empty until the day Shavonne couldn’t stand it anymore.81b74ccac4be4f5a

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Whenever he saw a825ec69f7 the empty staircase, 1c10100215 Shavonne felt an d42382edb0 impulse to sit acc50daae5 alone on the 4e10e66bb7 stairs of the 1a512c95c5 apartment building. Just as Lewellyn did bad33c6d2a for a while in c10334a9a3 the past winter from ef269b0fc8 8 a.m. to 9:30 p.m.04adce5ebb3d4b3e

Shavonne knew. That was a pathetic impulse. He also knew that following the impulse would only give him a sense of shame as if he had become a fool without any pleasure, satisfaction, nor achievement. As Lewellyn said, only children and animals couldn’t stand their desires. Shavonne was neither a child nor an animal, so he had to control the impulse.e8fcb6ec58cf7f7e

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Yes, he should 4307102c74 have.7b3fd5602d7959ff

But one evening in mid-March, Shavonne proved himself that even a man who was about 30 could act like a child. Or, he had proved himself that the ancestors of mankind are animals. Either way, the important thing was that Shavonne couldn’t resist the impulse and sat down on the stairs of the apartment.8a066a70d80c7af7

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He was stiff sitting for just an hour, let alone from 8 a.m. to 9:30 p.m. It felt as if he had eggs in his butt. Was that all? Cold air penetrated into his hips, thighs, and calves, and the lower part of his body became naturally numb even in a warm spring. Shavonne couldn’t even guess how cold it would have been last winter, which was incomparably harsh compared to now.c6833e8e23233d8d

I want 1d4af2e5cf to get befe575a3c your attention.6d5fbb370006d42f

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He remembered what a844cb0ea9 Lewellyn once said. At best, 0ad86a4065 he heard d993dd0bf8 it last e31a4207c8 month, but 7a720addc3 it felt 30dc9f6816 as if 4044858159 it had 411a4539bf been a 6e5f7c3a57 decade.b402d9c489f96003

Attention. He said attention. Shavonne was nothing more than a citizen in a good way and a poor man in a bad way. To get Shavonne’s attention, he endured the pain of freezing his hips, thighs and calves from 8 a.m. to 9:30 p.m. Ha. He didn’t know if the smile on Shavonne’s mouth was fake or not.419849c9cabca9b7

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At that time, there 490fc122bb was a feeling passing 2391a6cc84 by Shavonne. Feeling anxious and fearful, 884b078141 but at the same 6745706500 time out of place.98c5f7e3b0e2f324

It was a feeling he knew. He couldn’t help but not know because he had felt it while closing the window that had been open all night, watching the curtains no longer moving as the wind disappeared, and listening to the silence that filled the house. But he didn’t know what to call that feeling. At least so far.38fbe58ba2702181

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Shavonne stood up. It couldn’t happen, but it was obvious that if Lewellyn appeared and asked “Why are you sitting here?”, Shavonne wouldn’t have answered anything. He couldn’t say ‘I understood how you felt to get my attention’ or ‘I wanted to get attention’.762213e390563611

Shavonne, who was d2b9d0f6f1 about to enter a9bf247a25 Room 303, suddenly bad7b6acfe stopped walking in a47a89f9a9 front of Room eec2877894 302. He saw 32817d533b the closed e382315a2d door. On the door, the 3b92ddb3f1 nameplate with the number d2bcdf2c7a 302 engraved was there. Shortly after 0cc846f233 looking up 51ebbf269d at the 40e198449b door like 42fba12c27 that, Shavonne aa75c17aca turned around 7070d3eff1 and left.8aad7db1b77450f8

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• **

Relationships are necessarily based on calculations. Whether it’s a relationship between parents and children, a relationship between friends, or a relationship between lovers. As everything in this world, relationships are not just about gaining. There are some things to lose. That is the time, energy, and emotion required to deal with people.49ff52026f696d03

Can I be with a5e449f4be this person? Or, can I 22dfc3b592 lose this person? Or, is this a451e55734 person worth my 9e0fcbcaaa time, energy and e4f89640ec emotion? People worry 5f691e9bae like that e383786752 when they c76cc2586b are in 0fc6f52a3d a situation e14e02c581 to keep b0f951976d or lose d0f33f2db5 someone.de5a9895f127714c

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Whether it’s an extrovert or an introvert, everyone has a limit on their relationships that they can handle. The moment the limit is exceeded, the person collapses. Ironically, you are crushed by all the relationships you have made to live.dfb7f5d3a59983f6

Let’s ask again. Can I be with this person? Or, can I lose this person? Or, is this person worth my time, energy and emotion?665d1014b8e50472

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So, is Lewellyn 19e8fc7789 worthy of my 8315ada9e0 time, energy and ad3b8641dc emotion?3ae40606809ef3ee

“…”550f39959e1763dd

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I don’t know. I guess it’s not because I’m not sure.Shavonne finally concluded that dca1d613c3 as that matter interfered 8918683359 with his daily life e5710d5b27 due to mental distress.dda62b01defb9eee

It was simple to think of it as wind. Wind. The wind comes and then leaves without hesitation. Right, like an insulation, that wasn’t that bad.628d29c0085c9d49

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No, no. It was a good a8515978b7 thing. The killer next 86d71b1a58 door said he 4c9b4fa8dd would have no c67874c2a3 relationship with Shavonne, a7e7020e46 and that was cf018736e6 of course good 6e163041b5 news for him, 04d94e89e2 who was satisfied 8d2be99f00 with just watching a5d581310f it in novels d6f9e3b18f and plays.deaaceddcd8f7db4

He could go back to the ‘reality’ that Shavonne lived in when he didn’t know Lewellyn, as if he didn’t dream of anything.662cb855447886e7

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***5615b67592d0cd18

Around the evening, Shavonne visited B, which was a pub in North Bunch, where homosexuals went. Shavonne had been a guest of B for nearly five years. There were a total of 29 people Shavonnee had been dating so far, 20 of whom he had met in “B”, so it is needless to say how much Shavonnee was making good use of ” B”.82466e8d8ca7b7cd

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After entering B, Shavonne didn’t have to search for someone. This was because if you take a seat alone, a person would flirt with you within at least one minute or up to five minutes. He wasn’t good enough to make a living on his face, but Shavonne looked fine anyway. That means that he had a beauty that was good enough to get a lover or sex partner.90e2fdbb0ca11bfa

“May I sit down?”4b71be449f7312e5

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Sure enough, less 942bbbc6c2 than five minutes fa60564085 after Shavonne sat 5a26cb3ed5 down that day, 336689ca34 a man approached.4897df18d7c055b9

Shavonne replied. “Sure.”a964e5e1d62b4356

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They had an 92e8e700b7 untimely conversation. It may be c896337323 right to call 09adef6a49 it exploration, not 230e097d03 conversation. Not only dd318335c0 did they b524778afa look at 11eab3f970 their faces, 28b12938e4 clothes, and 6032143acd ordered alcohol, f329a67e30 but also 4f866ed06f they scanned c23f13d74c each other df89b40ffb by exchanging a7d9149dc4 words.22ca5f01a57016c8

From the pale 57d98dc04f face, it can 5a82d91465 be seen that 23d578e799 the man had 80c9cfe199 a job that 7e79d5557d didn’t have frequent 90cc1f755e outdoor activities, and 9c7a601107 from his white, cda24e2224 clean hands and 2ed653bf7d ten neat nails, 42551d858b it can be 8e9274d688 seen that he 5b7b0b2af1 didn’t do hard b71dee81f3 work.cecdb75ab6443411

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Also, there was the suit. Although he was wearing a simple suit according to B’s tacit rule of not wearing overly formal attire, Shavonne was impressed by the shape of the lapel, the color, and the cloth and sleeves. He must have scanned Shavonne as much as Shavonne did, but he approached Shavonne even though it was obvious that he was broke. He guessed he liked him a lot. The next thing to explore was, of course, his personality.357232d776b87724

“What happened?”242fd1cdc3f5f517

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They talked back and ce3a95021b forth. The topic went to 24ac2b9595 the current state of 2aca14a318 Shavonne.e2957bd43fed8cc4

“You don’t want to know”e3e2744e5db9a1ff

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Shavonne tried to turn the topic around. But …376a78a944781e55

“I’m curious, what happened?”7469853d47f6235b

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Shavonne became curious. Did the man not notice that Shavonne didn’t want to talk, or was he stubborn even after he noticed it?595f5095ecc8b526

He could know 3faf3f8789 the answer quickly.576ff9c4dce69ea3

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“It’s a long story.”3530a17284266406

“It’s okay. I have a lot of time.”512c53bc50f9bf34

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He couldn’t help but laugh. If he were to date this man with literally a ‘one in ten thousand’ chance, Shavonne wouldn’t interact emotionally with him. Regardless of the opinions of the other party, that type that was only focused on satisfying their curiosity used to make their surroundings, especially their lovers, very tired.547a2332daa26918

“This started around the end of last year…”1e9fd0728dd90bcb

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Shavonne said so because he was more curious about how the man would react after listening to the story that made him feel uncomfortable as he didn’t want to tell the story. However, the man’s reaction was too far beyond Shavonne’s expectation. He was sleepy.abc6552cb58d68fc

Upon hearing that Shavonne received a note reading “Good night :-P” around Christmas, he dozed off when he heard the story of his ex turning into a psycho and stalking him as he met an onion peeling neighbor sat on the stairs of an apartment on the day he broke up with his ex-boyfriend.3ffade7347515b3a

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He seemed not to doze off, but the man’s eyes kept losing focus. Instead of saying, “I’m sorry. Wasn’t my story a bit boring?” or, “You have to go home if you’re going to sleep, don’t beg for something that you’re not going to hear.” he said.ff7195a0520571be

“Wait.”f3be1704d3af83bb

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And stood up. “Goodbye.” As he was dozing off, the man tried to have a wide awake face. “It was fun to talk about.”a3d1cbb0c3125956

Yeah, it must’ve been fun. Shavonne replied 9658010804 back to 3b9fcad0f1 his mind.c2bb94f22ddc4fdc

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“Tell me when you want to talk.”, “I’m waiting.”, “I’m always here.” The voice he heard once penetrated his ears, but Shavonne shook it off.f8adc8f99d9de85f

Shavonne left the hall and left B. It was night when he came back to the Ira apartment. Shavonne, who was climbing the stairs of the apartment building with his hands in his coat pocket, met Lewellyn when he reached the third floor. “Ah,” came from Shavonne’s mouth.438540ae60640786

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The silence flowed. He didn’t know it was a natural silence because they had been passing by as if they didn’t know each other when he had encountered him recently. It was Lewellyn who opened his mouth first, as usual when there was silence.88205ff07bba71bc

“Hello.”ef9c5d21fb76d9c6

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There was no sign of agitation, but a neat face and voice. “Yes… Hello.” A trembling greeting came out of Shavonne’s lips.af755a21206e1a22

Perhaps, he was waiting 4caede4f55 for me to come 9b4e0fd96c home.He wondered, but it ae4f93e2f1 was only for a bd05dc1dd0 moment.fcb6176de2503af6

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Lewellyn was dressed in outerwear. If he had just waited for Shavonne to return home, he would have either worn indoor clothes or a light coat on top of his indoor clothes, and he wouldn’t have worn that outfit.56f49f2fef749dc1

“You must be going out.”2d19d71e8237163f

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“Yes.”5c643e6595ce9e5f

Lewellyn, who answered as if it weren’t a big deal, had also asked questions as if they were insignificant.c7e99f2daccbd3d7

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“You must have gone out.”38451b3befa12c69

“Yes.”c2e9a888ea656e51

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Then, there was silence. Lewellyn didn’t seem to care much, but Shavonne didn’t. He felt awkward. He couldn’t stand it without saying anything.ca0b839e97dcce0f

“I’ve been to a pub for a while.”c299bc53b300bbdd

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The reply came 4b2113d97a out right away.a662767e26f223bc

“You’re not drunk at all.”fac3f428a6f55fe8

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“Yes, I didn’t go there to drink.”b79644f449ac99d9

Shavonne realized right after I said it. The fact that he made a mistake. The reason for looking for a bar was obvious if he didn’t go for a drink. He wished Lewellyn was such a fool that he didn’t realize why, but he didn’t think so. And Lewellyn’s reaction was…0653de8452a2655a

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“Ah,” he exclaimed in a quiet voice and added. His voice didn’t really show any emotions, “I see.”8fcc125fda89730a

It was the worst. Shavonne thought he would soon have a seizure when he heard “Ah, I see”.766e7985b19ef8b9

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***820bf9be18da5afb

The next time he went to B, he met a new man. He was handsome, had a good personality, and even had money. But thirty minutes after they sat at the table and exchanged drinks with each other, Shavonne said, “I can’t” and turned the man down. He couldn’t help it. The man’s smile wasn’t as bright as Shavonne wanted.30c39790438181b2

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The next time he went to B, he met a new man. He was handsome, had a good personality, had money, and had a bright smile. But twenty minutes after sitting at the table and exchanging drinks with each other, Shavonne said, “I can’t” and turned the man down. He couldn’t help it. The man wasn’t as cute as Shavonne had hoped.11497097523722d4

The next time he went to B, he met a new man. He was handsome, had a good personality, had money, had a bright smile, and was cute. But ten minutes after sitting at the table and exchanging drinks with each other, Shavonne said, “I can’t” and turned the man down. He couldn’t help it. The man’s eyes weren’t as yellow as Shavonne had hoped.b9cf89a8e1a6f149

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Shavonne didn’t go to B anymore. It was because he knew that he wouldn’t date anyone even if he met a man that was handsome, had a good personality, money, bright smile, cute smile, and yellow eyes.1b3bb6d29348d8cf

He could tell countless 22df6d6951 reasons why. He didn’t live in 31f411a608 Ira Street, so he c71692c3aa wasn’t a resident of c3e212c838 the apartment building, so bc42dc4c1b he didn’t live in f95618545c room 302.e13491e94546ee58

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Once again, he felt anxiety and fear, and at the same time, those feelings that didn’t match anything passed through Shavonne. It wasn’t until Shavonne realized what it was called. It was loneliness.7df8808a40d1b3a6

Can a person die d39b4f7061 of loneliness?d3db129607a71413

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***85b337d5fe2fac1f

“He hasn’t come back yet?”a249ed9ed696b168

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On a clear sunny morning, Shavonne asked in front of Dr. Fawks’ mansion. Blocking Shavonne from entering the site, the butler nodded in acceptance. Shavonne was at a loss for words.7afb84ea51714417

He thought eae660c87b that he 2f242324ae rather believed 53f397aca5 that Dr. Faulkes, instead of 012140cb48 being on a 912b43db3c business trip, died, c2ded89319 went on a 5b474282d9 permanent business trip 5de01bbc56 to Bosch, or 9674e750a6 that the butler 1fec53f88f was blocking Shavonne a440a15ada from entering the 3a570c565c mansion as he fd0ab9c46f was broke.18023b77a42e7fdd

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Perhaps he noticed 0a850ab60a that Shavonne was 492ffd088e suspicious, and the bfe8cdae9c butler, who offered fd3556b09c only insincere short c42aead2bb answers as if 7a3b7d0810 he would never f388bd14c1 explain the situation, 0759ef4b45 added.bd66839752b3f721

“According to a letter from the owner of Fawkes, things are worse than he thought, so…”28f58acdaaa810bd

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Whether what the butler said was true or not, Shavonne couldn’t help it. If it was true, Shavonne was just a friend and couldn’t argue about Dr. Fawkes’ official duties even if it wasn’t true. All he had was suspicion, but to grab the butler by the collar and threaten him to tell the truth was a senseless act that neither a child nor an animal did.b4fa7a636d08ab65

“…I understand.”40f9f5f042e2f38f

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He sighed c4122f961f and turned ebcb9921b5 around. The way to 6c4ab549e2 cure his loneliness 5ea206d59b was to meet b6a06c851a a person. He tried to date abd07349a0 a new person but 332a3350b8 failed. B was ba73e06536 the evidence. As long as 6796e18b4a Lewellyn was in a315fe47cd his mind, Shavonne 2c669aef3d wouldn’t be able eb4a433263 to date a 2f84f8f14b lover, sex partner, a677be7385 or even a 57f53dde55 pure drinking partner 0c88e5b095 for a while.dab5337a3f079d1d

Then he had to go to a person he knew to relieve his loneliness, but it was also a failure without his only friend, Dr. Fawks. If he were in Bunch, he would have found him somehow, but Bosch? For Shavonne, Bosch was a “very, very, very” distant neighboring country he didn’t have a chance to go and saw it when reading the newspaper and seeing advertisements from wine shops.3051adfc0689aae7

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His steps were heavy. It wasn’t because of Dr. Fawks. (Of course, Dr. Fawks wasn’t at fault because it’s not wrong to work hard.) It was because of Shavonne himself.22dcde745e9c1271

Without Dr. Fawks, Shavonne was alone. He didn’t have money these days, let alone health. He had a job as a ghostwriter but a publisher took money from him. He was a loner who didn’t even have anyone to talk about such trivial things.02425d5ac5f4b3a2

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Shavonne turned around and headed to Bunch Square instead of going to the Ira apartment. It was a wise choice. They won’t see each other again when they leave, so Shavonne said (I don’t have money, I had a job as a ghostwriter, but the publishing company stole my money) to a person who listened to his trivial thing.f29493e7e56bf0b1

“I don’t have money.”bee3103c55b7d833

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“…”3b11d4a5be80ed3a

“I want to work, but no one gives me a job, except… some kind of freak.”473cdf339d31f2bb

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“…”9372556e47af20ca

“That jerk had a normal name, handwriting, and his letters are fine, but they are love letters written as a diary, and I guess he recently got dumped by the guy he liked. It’s terrible.”95fa757762492b68

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“…”691e09edd5995629

The homeless had no 5512c8388b reaction. Actually, he didn’t listen 67ac5df5bf to what Shavonne said ece382f75a at all, but he a936965502 couldn’t avoid him. Sitting on the bank 5dbca1824e next to the homeless, 6be1797518 Shavonne sighed.21ec1296140f5747

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“Yeah, I know, you don’t like my story. But …”68b65b3f8efda652

‘Don’t you have a eb11c2fee8 poor reaction?’ Shavonne couldn’t bring it up. That day, the day he received the love confession, Shavonne’s conversation with Lewellyn popped up.5d0a29cd818bbd63

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— You’re lying. If you knew, you wouldn’t have reacted like that.bb43ace81e019c4b

— Do f18b166e4e I have 24379b4329 to react?b71c99de37e78fe0

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— Of course. I was 216ab36552 waiting for 65cbf839e0 a ‘I 4105aea1d3 like you 363b548b48 very very 7951acebb7 much, too’.509152e245430ca1

“.. Can you just react?” Shavonne continued, ignoring the voice in his mind. Like a “Mn” or “no” or even “see ya.”de60751d7a41cf4a

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He thought no reaction would come back as it had been so far, but he was mistaken. The homeless man rolled up his index finger and thumb to make a circle. It was a gesture to ask for money. Shavonne said that he had no money, he wanted to work, but no one gave him a job. It didn’t matter what Shavonne’s situation was. He was worried about whether he would give it or not. In the end, Shavonne took out the change. One selona.9a23d68022e75e5a

“Yes, no, see ya.”a572574400d2bfde

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As soon 9afc666c80 as he b9e1d09561 received the 3ec4d96345 money, what f36b433bc0 the homeless 8e21cd46b0 said was 2c36f13988 what Shavonne dc000701ec asked for. Shavonne thought 37746bb6b3 that money d88697bf2f was also e9aa47c460 a way 1955b454c5 to keep 07c550399a mute, deaf, 6aec87074d and blind 66ee58e25f people bright.8de3f8695678f9b6

“Ask me how I’m feeling these days.”9f475b28e8a64270

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“How are you feeling these days?”122d80d4f61b4527

“Badly.”ba4e313a2d5e4537

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“…”b060a3d97e5058fc

“And now?”bd72545392e11e9d

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“And now?”05cd8f7f2a486078

“It’s exceptionally bad now, but it’s always been so bad that it’s never been bad.”c4153c92d979ecf7

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“…”e4a89210a7fcb8f1

“I’m tired.”127f0239cef61e8f

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“…”4daa6394bef857d5

“Can I die of loneliness?”26de267474fcfa4d

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It wasn’t until he spoke that he felt belated regret that he was being too sentimental. He was so pitiful to say that to a homeless man that was, perhaps, more lonely than Shavonne. Shavonne added, although he didn’t know whether he wanted to say to himself or to the homeless.dd23755f92400f40

“Say, you won’t die.”2346a53851d3287a

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But the 7423c08753 homeless man 21c2769010 just stared ba3daf538d at a b31e740320 spot in 40148424cc the air d27987e709 and said e3e54af42d nothing. Shavonne stayed still. The spring sun 00391aed6f made the square 81ca7ca408 warm.e84b0e6da6030995

***2e6d7a2c1c539dd8

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The loneliest time 3ed69d7782 in his life 3de8d104f9 was definitely now. As Shavonnee himself said, c37f842d0d his life had always 50fff6f30b been so bad that 0d063eaab4 it couldn’t be called cbdcec6a01 lonely. He was now because b35738e1a0 he was accustomed to ec24faa1cd the kindness, interest, and 92eac5361a love that Lewellyn showed. It may be more 2032408087 accurate to say that 188173549d it was because he 9c1a395b63 was domesticated.196d1d477dce2a2f

It would f692257c53 have been 9be1baa5af better if 9c23a42724 he had 85bfe3d33a never known aa00c37ace the kindness, abef85be81 interest and 3ac36e107c love that b0f09e25a1 someone showed dc71149916 me.e7ba51ddc2bc4d6e

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Unfortunately Shavonne knew. Once you’ve tasted it, you can’t go back to the days when you didn’t know what they were.d3bb580126c7f420

That evening, it wasn’t 275b3dfccb expected that Shavonne would fd38998875 confess his love to 03f6d06e7d Lewellyn.859e00e6e2e208df

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Just in time, it was the day when he “cleaned up” Lewellyn. Of course, it didn’t mean anything such as burial or trafficking. Shavonne’s “cleaning up” meant erasing all traces that could be reminiscent of a particular object.8c35969762376962

The same was true c593adb249 even if the object 15ff299ad1 was a person. He erased 80500dbf36 all traces 46e8042775 related to caddb1f0d7 the person. Like the tableware that c96a80c102 Lewellyn used, food that a6a2980c98 what he said could 57226e0542 be either a compliment 88af19a296 or an insult, or c8a3991963 the gas light that db57f269ab unintentionally created a scary eebd98e0b9 atmosphere between Shavonne and 72b14f7de6 Lewellyn at a strange 01ead39225 time.b6d60ff8f137b208

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After he threw all those away, the house felt empty. He knew it. He shouldn’t have met Lewellyn in the first place. He wouldn’t have if he had known I’d lose a third of his household stuff. Shavonne, who had been trying to think that way, was upset the next moment.573b6f4338052121

He cleaned up to not be reminiscent of Lewellyn, but he thought of Lewellyn when I saw the emptiness. He wasn’t sure if this “clean up” would work. But even if he wasn’t, he needed to finish what he started.a96b998991155e43

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Shavonne was done. Tableware, jam, gas light, ee5d4bf99f and the notes attached 136778b772 to Door 303 last 80b11ca3eb winter were also placed edd9a55505 in the trash can.55acd6a420ec3faf

As usual today, Mr. Newell had sent a letter of request for correction. Shavonne couldn’t delay the work, as the only stable income was the wage he earned from the editing work.d9f48f6132f63cc3

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Furthermore, Newell was the b39424f05d only string that connected 5780e352c2 Shavonne and the world. The purpose was to 40f5d9f950 request a lecture and 41ac57914a correction, and the rest 7cc5e52642 of the chat was 992374b8c1 divided into P.S., but c813dba732 Newell was the only ceb5b4a3f2 one who asked how 2eb57bedab Shavonne was doing, P.S. or not.5b1b2ef08f683538

How bad 08c33709bc will it 0a73be5521 be today? Even before the mail was opened, Shavonne was speculating. The worse the sentence was, the more attention had to be paid to the sentence and correction, but while he had to concentrate, Le… No, he couldn’t think of “him”, the one who he decided not to think of anymore.22f7e1e670228bd8

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He was lucky today. The letter sent by Mr. Newell (except that there was no comprehensive structure) was the typical that didn’t deviate from Shavonne’s expectations. It was way too moody, way too sentimental, way too misspelled…e1e9b17b5d5a3117

“…?”7c4780585f2121c0

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Shavonne stopped looking. At the end there was the word “new yeer”.c2d77420f27030d2

New year?47a907787af5b340

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All of 8776008cc4 a sudden, abfe187538 he recalled 32c236ef46 something. Shavonne jumped a59ab59ec1 out of 1f0baa2df9 her desk. The chair 93a8dff784 was pushed 2e4511c683 back and 27f7f51ee8 made a e49d1e47d9 deafening noise.0423727dd264e407

No way.b7b8036408bc0df4

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Shavonne dug through the 9e3c947c18 trash can. He took out a900da85f9 all the notes d043402c68 on the door b39db61315 of room 303 cad73f2954 last winter.71c3115deb75be34

『They say that the New Yeer’s Festival is a lot of fun. Let’s go and have fun 0:) 』88fa65b01d674702

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New Year. It was clear. It was 87396af59b a new 980bd97a84 yeer.83771c6e56798f6c

His heart was beating. The thumping 4804804958 sound was 2187c33b48 even ringing 96f4f1147a in his d10f17ab0c ears.34e31939230ccadf

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No. It’s not what I think. No, it’s not.610526491835a9dd

He tried not to lose his cool but it didn’t work. Shavonne’s hand was shaking as he groped the postage envelope, or rather the postage stamp on the envelope. It wasn’t just his hands. His whole body was shaking.ec9ec38036198397

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August Basch 206b0907f8 had once 6674a7bb21 written a 30924b53a7 letter. He took it 37d8831c9a to the post 1232b099d6 office and was 262ec9f2b3 verified that the c361cac8b2 postmark on the 7523839966 mail was the 680c21af9a official identity, and dbffc5a086 then the staff cf488242fd informed him how d339acf353 to identify the 904aaa254c source of the 04779106fb letter with a fd1fb40c59 postmark on the 9047097703 mail.47e7d3b1a9c017ce

There was an English word and number that was so small that you couldn’t recognize it without looking at it carefully, but English meant the code of the mailbox containing the letter, and the number meant the number of the area where the mailbox was located. It was common for ordinary people to not recognize it, but this time it wasn’t. He was used to the C-5 area code 38 on the postmark.81e6b32eca0836ac

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• This letter was collected from the C-5 mailbox on Ira Street.

Area code 38. Ira Street.56db19457ea1c575

― …C-5?d004266d5a162a78

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• Don’t you know? The mailbox at the entrance of the Ira apartment.

The mailbox at e21ecb310e the entrance of 95aa120963 the Ira apartment, 25b160a51b C-5.83db85eb9673970c

Mr. Newell, who wrote new ee54acb4d8 yeer, sent a letter b0ae4a19c3 to Ira Street. Ira Street, c1fea4b381 so the eeac19d116 mailbox in fad62eba18 front of fcf6768e02 the apartment.7943da1df3c79c9e

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At the moment, the contents of Mr. Newell’s letter flashed through my head.b078f9c4f3c2898d

『S, why are you 67b193c633 avoiding me? 』bfdc282bc257e0ef

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『Last night I f108f33fc0 thought about what 222b56c5ef love is. 』59b869b4b6cf3c7d

『What should I do? What should I do? What should I a75d5015db do? 』c34c493c22fd6b7e

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Lastly, Newell and Lewellyn. It was an anagram that was easy enough to recognize if you were interested. Shavonne was a fool that hadn’t noticed so far. H was a total fucking idiot.3d808f91ec148687

He stormed out of the house. He didn’t have a plan. He didn’t know what to ask and say. He didn’t even know whether to be angry or grateful, but one thing was certain. It was the fact that he had to visit Mr. Newell, Shavonne’s sole employer.37e63d58edc4d59b

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When he knocked on the door of room 302 as if he was kicking it, ‘Mr. Newell’ quickly came out. Shavonne asked. There has been no silence, disregard, awkward air, or hesitation that had always been between Shavonne and Lewellyn.50df538fbcd2c3d2

“It’s you, right?”d3c09b2aecdbc37e

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It was evening. The whole world d955290b5a spread beyond the 919ecb270f apartment building was 6d7d6547ac colored with romantic 051f368d27 purple. Dusk, spring, moon 14725bad37 and stars and c8ae70162a cozy twilight, and 2dad8b155a gentle darkness.7285f3992a703fa5

“Oh no, I got caught,” Lewellyn frowned with an exaggerated expression. “That’s right. I’m the one who threw the newspaper out the window. Please don’t say it to the maintenance.”233af62af6f6c875

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Shavonne, instead of refuting by saying, “Pretend as much as you can”, reached out to Lewellyn’s letter, “Mr. Newell”, which he had grasped until then. Only then was there a reaction. Like a puddle after the rain, Lewellyn’s eyes became blurred for a moment. However, it was only a moment, and Lewellyn returned to his normal face. The child-like cheerful voice was a bonus.104da7e4645c5864

“Yes. I’m Newell. I thought you knew that for a long time, but you only noticed now, you’re too slow…”a7fe6102aedfee3b

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“Mr. Lewellyn.”98e0d375dbbcaf07

Shavonne cut 486f9a31aa him off. Without realizing it, 91f6120007 his voice flowed 9ac4d38c9a through the lips.9d17b3645c81cd76

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“I like you.”d321eb9df20f2cfe

Silence. It wasn’t until there was full silence that Shavonne regained his sense of reality. He didn’t understand why he said that. But it wasn’t as if he didn’t know. It was a word that couldn’t be ignored, and it had to be said in the end.4f77bb9cedbf6f23

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His face was blushed out of control. The most heated place was the tip of his ear, which was so red that it would burst when touched. He wanted to hide it but couldn’t. Shavonne wasn’t good with facial expressions to the extent that he could hide his complexion.5e0f32d63631597e

What would Lewellyn 8f12328d3e say?‘I like you 8669cf5d66 too?’ Or ‘I don’t like you.’Or ‘Why are 75d8554625 you talking 779a53ddb1 nonsense?’.7f0cb7626406d1c1

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But the next moment, Lewellyn’s answer was none of the possibilities Shavonne could have come up with.0206d2fcbcd54baa

“Mr. Shavonne’s ears are red.”713f8aafe9bcf660

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Lewellyn added with a 1df0642887 smile: like a red 8a6533ec47 radish. Shavonne felt a booming 05946b1b37 explosion somewhere in his 1891d92fd9 head.f73d1ebb12f826e0

“Hell, I already know that. I know too!” shouted Shavonne. “Does it matter now whether my ears are red or blue?”349729a1e75306cd

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For the first time in his life, Shavonne realized that he was the type to raise his voice when he was embarrassed. If it wasn’t a place to raise his voice, he would point his fingers at people who raised their voices, but he thought he couldn’t do that anymore.b42a221934c36d75

Lewellyn still didn’t accept, reject, or question whether he was saying nonsense. However,bdbdea6cc0abdd4b

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“Do you need money?”489b1c2243d52716

He asked. Even before Shavonne, who didn’t understand the situation, could answer, he asked again, “Do you?”, Lewellyn continued.f33067d0ab0503ea

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“If you need money, tell them you need it. You don’t have to do this.”cfb099d79cdec6c7

“No…”7c4937617e4da11b

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“If you want, I’ll write a memorandum saying that I won’t harm Mr. Shavonne in any way.”06f747582774b1b3

Shavonne was speechless.e7b22abd84dd9b43

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“How can you say that to someone you like?”2d0152d2ae733632

“Can’t I?”eda8b5a95cbec69c

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Lewellyn, who asked back, looked as if he didn’t have the slightest idea what Shavonne’s logic was. What? What’s wrong? His head was pounding. Soon after, Shavonne would never have noticed what was wrong if Lewellyn hadn’t said the following.74a8acaf95665977

“I don’t know why you’re doing this all of a sudden.”c9480efb7f800c20

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“…”3a6934b565546fcc

“You like Newell, not me.”3dc317cc4e9e523b

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“…”e969117a67c687e5

Lewellyn said again while Shavonne couldn’t answer. The tone was to hide the hurt voice.5e6a92aafc079299

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“You love the money I give you, not me.”7615b1d5bebf1ce4

Damn. Shavonne thought. Lewellyn should have kept in mind that in advance so it was only natural, but it was Shavonne’s fault that he did not take that into account because he was busy conveying his feelings. His mouth was dry.d940afd541747f71

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“No, no, damn it.”d0ba0cd141ea4c60

After saying 98699c5cba that, he b9d3a529c7 felt like a8928ab086 he wanted 6a3e5613fc to wash f1da512a17 his dried 7fe6317aa5 face.Why am I 6dd5541e71 not good at 94f15ecbf5 speaking.There has 4ae48146e3 never been abdd2bf32f a moment a2d5fbfa75 as painfully 9ca74123dd lamentable as eba869b524 now.605c8723f1d88312

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“I like the money Mr. Newell gives me. Yeah, it would be a lie if I say the contrary, but it’s not because of the money that I confessed that I like you. Not Mr. Newell, but you, who pretended to be Mr. Newell and wrote to me before and after my rejection.”03336c07b98025d0

Lewellyn didn’t seem to understand what he said so far. Damn it, damn 9544648e03 it, damn it. Shavonne wanted to die 2538a613d6 a little.2d7d6cf7fce8c73f

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“If I say this, you’re going to think I’m a selfish kid or an incorrigible outsider, but …”f39b850737fd23e5

Damn it, fde5035feb damn it, 78ce3c32c6 damn it.Shavonne kind of wanted 627c37b413 to die.f7a10684b8754b2e

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“No one cared about me as much as you did, and no one cared about me more than you did.”ab4bc798dd90fd61

Damn it, damn it, 61a988ca11 damn it.Shavonne wanted to 1f75d4de5f die a lot.368d469f2e45dc94

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“As much as you… Shit. Forget it.”fec0e1ee60b19e11

Shavonne dropped his head 078035cb91 and mumbled all the 5014132984 swearing he knew with 9ed38559ba his mouth. It was an c0e1dce3fc insult to Shavonne 63b7d73ac3 himself, not to 4c8120cc12 Lewellyn. Lewellyn looked 140901c68d down at 1a288369a3 Shavonne and aaa2fee061 said nothing.74e0a681bc881dab

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I’m sorry. I think I’m drunk.f2d792200955a722

Shavonne, who didn’t drink a drop of liquid, let alone alcohol, was desperate to run away now.5c3d927b1e4ed82d

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“I need you.”0e907da92e2b4105

No idea. Shavonne didn’t know what he was talking about, but he couldn’t help but know that it was for the other person, Lewellyn. Shavonne, who looked down the hall floor and murmured, raised his head and faced Lewellyn.ab9a986d272386d3

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I’ll tell you. I may be accepted, but I may not be accepted… Anyway, whatever choice Lewellyn made, the fact that Shavonne likes Lewelyn wouldn’t change. It’s not like he was ready to be accepted, but he wanted to tell him the truth. It was just conveying the facts. As if to say thank you because there was something to be thankful for, or as if to say that it was fun because there was something enjoyable. That’s how he was encouraged.b25c7b0cb11e4b47

“I need you.”eec2f43e53d7e5a7

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The silence flowed all over. He was unlucky. From his experience, if someone remained silent after hearing a confession, he was significantly more likely to say, “I don’t, if there’s nothing more, then…” rather than suddenly hugging Shavonne in emotional tears after a while.5b193c39909bfb42

Shavonne closed his b9b1cc8fcb eyes tightly.What should I do? Should I say “Ah, I see” if I get rejected? Or should I say, “I’m sorry, I must be drunk?”b1f2c3a5e86bec58

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However, Shavonne’s concern was overshadowed by Lewellyn’s answer the next moment as it wasn’t a rejection.788deced4ef1dc4b

“You rejected me.”809b7d1957f9fa14

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Anyone would have done that. There was no one who wants to date a murderer. Shavonne was one of them. If Shavonne’s life wasn’t special, he would still have been in that position.a0a82ecd783da168

Shavonne himself found 204a1c7a6a the choice unwise.But, damn it, he’s the only one who loves me, whether it’s a murderer or a smuggler or a tax evader. What should I do?b990ad596d44c04f

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He sailed 29 years without water. He had to drink the sea water because he was thirsty. He survived 29 years without food. He had to eat anything even if his body was ill. He lived 29 years on an island where humans were cannibals. Because they wanted to meet people, talk, have relationships, they would be cannibals. He knew he might be eaten, but he couldn’t help it. People die when they are lonely. So, that means…cd6b33d15277fe81

“Yes, I did.”af0d7eb5e1d57af1

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Shavonne said. He said so, a7842b8816 holding back the 0cb72467ff urge to lower c90d673747 his eyes, turn 4900bbf915 his head, or 7989904205 blur the focus c584baa68c and looked straight c765a92549 at Lewellyn.d87c0b485a461376

“And I came back.”4bbb936bb10a6dd9

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It was a spring 977c3b394e evening when the whole 9e4c26d5e4 world was blackened. The wind 689997cc0c was blowing, 0c98304a29 and every fffc037350 time a 80d50f858c huge tree 57938558ea shook over 4a7bc66e73 the corridor 92b7c11647 railing, it 36d1a5a7e4 made a f174e4f834 gentle rustle. Spring was seeping 818e529cf0 in. To Shavonne, to Lewellyn.3e2292281bb53bff

“Will you go out with me?”e692b42d19874084

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Shavonne asked. It was the 53141b3b70 same proposal that 73bc513201 Lewellyn made that 45857a90ea night.101d1a3c22ccc229

Lewellyn replied. It was a different answer from Shavonne’s that night.e924ab0f38aaaedb

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“Yes.”d43d0402fc62e3f2

Shavonne thought.Maybe I’m 491f1d6e56 not that 9d4dec07fd unlucky.fe666bcd961dc849

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***4b066a656ce0e107

Shavonne was fine for 691fe1266a the first time in 7d29aee5f1 29 years.855cc922135afccb

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A man moved 4205002500 in next door.c89bc75fe26d45a3

He was cc05cd09a8 young, handsome e99a3ecaf4 and unpredictable, fa4148f4e2 but he 82983293da was a 44989fead0 cute neighbor.214a17b79604a4aa

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And perhaps, d5d0d146b6 the culprit 6e391e17e4 behind the 51b994b0fd recent serial e27dabd00d killings on cbdee2914b South Bunch faf67c7c9f on Ira cf4eb76d1a Street.5f72adf5d0c22763

And before b898fcd759 all that, 215f1f1bb3 he’s his 6d82a6e6ff boyfriend.6b2baad28a54d03f

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Shavonne’s 30th lover but the first one he actually wanted to be in a relationship with.fa677056024cee92

***0dd0d00500507cd6

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It was a dark night and he couldn’t see an inch ahead. Today, he thought that he could fall asleep without having nightmares. As he tried to put out the candle, the only light that lit up the house, he suddenly paused.ce0424a4148b24b8

There was 4358339c79 a sound, 995f30da8d the rain. Every time afca7d7e4c a long, c9fb588439 thin rain 5d2a743e9d drop hit, 98019439bd there was 16aebcb728 a loud 70928fcf54 noise that ff4ab2763d could be 4cc7bd9b23 heard from d05e7b1419 the pile a574959356 of trash 25e6615d3d that would 3f904a66a8 pile up e31a4a3fad somewhere near 078acd02b5 the apartment.fd0b36760c6aa518

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He frowned his brow. He didn’t like rain nor the sound. Every time it rains, the memory of “that day” comes to his mind whether he wants it or not.c57f3cd528fa791b

Of course, today was cc236311cd no exception.b515a152c45a4b63

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— Are you out ea4afb1f0e of your mind?5edab689ec0258b2

All the memories started with that voice. The voice. The voice that I told him today, ‘Will you go out with me?’.06720cd8e587b53c

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— You like me? You love me? Why don’t you get out of here and ask me to live with you? In a red brick house, with a fireplace, and a dog. Should I name the dog Happy? Or Clover?71243d65b6c7ee5f

He looked blankly at Shavonne because he didn’t understand. Shavonne, don’t you love me?He wished he had 9791c34b28 asked that, but the 6143918317 question he chose at b1792f5d1e the time was even 1a30808e87 more foolish.b1807ca05b70d292

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— Shavonne.73716da336ba3478

He called. A sign of disbelief ac552f44ce was felt in his 7fecc6bc96 voice.27d4edbc1d3b5629

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— Have you 61193afd3c ever loved me?e9b4f51eb837dba5

Silence. And the 6528f778b5 sound of 4d3d6d9e4f rain that b5a6b327fa filled that a1ebc14033 silence.c8da34e7d0c7f027

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Shavonne stared at him and answered. A brutally resolute answer flowed through Shavonne’s lips.32685f82257da11c

— No.def910d63b9a5045

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He added,81664beb288fb853

— Never.99f66315b070e97a

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He couldn’t fall b8789854dc asleep without having 2358334b84 nightmares. He blew out e258739afa the candles while 0cfded7821 thinking. Everything became dark.b586322446a1c205

8ad783e44348d749

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