LV Chapter 1.2

The dormitory room was noisy after the roll call. Sasya lay in bed with the blanket over his head to block out the noise. Today, the heat in his body just wouldn’t go away.

I ate too many marshmallows, just like a pig.

Sasya regretted while rubbing his bloated stomach.

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Today, even after finishing all his classes, Sasya stayed behind to practice, and when the school closed at 9, he moved to the Met Opera’s backstage to practice in an empty space. The lighting staff, who knew that Sasya sometimes came looking for a place to practice alone, opened the door for him.

After pushing his body so harshly all day, he was completely exhausted and now didn’t even have the strength to move a finger.

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“José, are you entering the competition too?”

“I’m planning to, but I’m not that confident.”

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“How much does this competition cost? My mom wants to know.”

“Considering plane tickets, costume costs… Even if I buy a used costume and alter it, it’ll cost more than $5,000 total.”

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While Sasya was listening to his roommates’ chatter with one ear and letting it go out the other, only the amount of $5,000 stuck clearly in his mind.

Sasya sighed silently. Reaching out only his hand from under the blanket to feel around his headboard, Sasya found a crisp envelope hidden between the mattress and the headboard.

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[Happy Birthday. – Karel Clements]

Sasya slowly traced the fountain pen’s pressure marks on the letter.

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The sponsor named Karel Clements had sent Sasya handwritten cards twice so far. Once when he was selected as the top student in the test exam after completing his first year of upper school, and once on his birthday. Sasya preferred the birthday card much more. The former was received by all scholarship students, while the latter was just for him.

Although the sponsor had only sent him cards twice, Sasya had sent many more. He didn’t know if the sponsor was reading his letters. He just had an old business card with an email address on it, so whenever he wanted to say something, he diligently wrote and sent emails to that address. And he had never received a reply.

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‘Is the chairman of the foundation coming too?’

‘He’s not the type to be interested in things like this. Not like the general public who are desperate to see ballet stars.’

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Recalling the conversation he had overheard earlier in the day, Sasya buried his forehead in his pillow painfully. His black hair scattered messily outside the blanket.

The contents of his letters were mostly about what he did well and what he didn’t do well. He had never once actually asked for what he wanted. It was impossible to say that he wanted to enter the competition.

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Once again, Manuel’s voice and the breath he had felt near his ear came back to him.

‘Sasya. What do you dream about when you have wet dreams?’

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Although he was confused about why Manuel would ask such a thing and whether all close friends talked about such things, Sasya didn’t want to tell anyone about his wet dreams anyway.

Because in Sasya’s first wet dream, there was a ‘man’ with large hands. The dream was always vague and blurry, so he couldn’t remember the details now. The man had cupped Sasya’s cheek with his large hand and gently kissed his forehead. Whenever he remembered the heat of those lips, Sasya would be aroused.

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However, Sasya knew at least that this wasn’t normal. Thinking about how he had been teased for wanting to become a girl or being asked if he wanted to be gay…

He absolutely didn’t want to tell anyone.

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“Don’t go to strange places over the weekend. Don’t come back injured! Especially you boys! Slippery rocks, coral on the beach, fireworks, motorcycles, bicycles—treat them all like weapons. If you get hurt, you’ll be kicked out of school that very day!”

Saturday morning class ended with Vadim’s usual stern warning. Although it was always the same nagging, Sasya listened carefully with fear because there were occasional cases where students got injured and had to completely quit classical ballet. Of the sixty or so classmates who entered together, eight had already left ballet school, unable to endure the first year of upper class because of chronic injuries, unfortunate traffic accidents, slipping on beach rocks during weekend trips, or falling into slumps or finding different paths…

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Vadim had clearly seen countless such students.

From now until the weekend ended, it was free time. The students who had barely listened to Vadim’s words poured into the hallway, chattering noisily. Now, students whose parents’ homes were nearby would get passes to go home, while others would throw off their leotards, dress up stylishly, fix their hair, and head out to the streets in groups.

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Vadim turned to Sasya, the only student remaining alone in the practice room.

“Sasya, are you staying here longer?”

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“J-just for an hour today.”

Sasya spoke in a small, intimidated voice.

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“Don’t you have any friends?”

“…”

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“Well, you don’t necessarily need friends to become a good dancer.”

Saying this, Vadim put on the ballet music CD for Sasya instead.

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“I heard the sponsors are coming to tour the ballet school next week.”

It was something he had accidentally overheard when he went to see the housemother Julia recently. Usually, Sasya wouldn’t have exchanged words with Vadim, but this time curiosity got the better of him and he ended up asking.

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“Will the chairman of the foundation come too?”

Vadim raised his eyebrow at Sasya’s words.

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“Who’s that now?”

“Mr. Clements…”

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“I don’t even know who’s coming.”

Sasya felt disappointed and thought that Vadim was indeed unhelpful.

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“But you know you need to show them it’s worth pouring money into a colt like you.”

“…”

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“Know that if you show any ridiculous behavior, you’ll get slapped in front of the guests.”

Vadim started pointing out various things to Sasya as he prepared for a turn in the center: straighten your hips, keep your turnout, stretch your back until it aches, and so on. Then, seeing Sasya only watching for his reactions even after the music started, he snorted and left the practice room.

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“Hah…”

Sasya took a deep breath.

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Finally alone.

The empty practice room, vacant as students left for the weekend, was Sasya’s favorite place. With good natural light and music playing, he could feel the melody filling the space through his skin.

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Normally, the sounds of his classmates’ breathing, laughter, and the noise of their feet sliding on the floor made it hard to concentrate. But when he was alone, he could focus on the tiny dust particles fluttering as he turned. When he did a grand jeté¹, he could feel the resistance of the air all by himself, and he loved that.

After practicing alone for about an hour, sweating, Sasya picked up his phone that he had propped against the wall. Fortunately, the video seemed to have been recorded well. Sometimes, after finishing practice, he would check and find that the phone had fallen over, recording only the ceiling. But when it worked, the recordings helped him see bad habits that the mirror didn’t show.

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After enjoying the luxury of having the empty practice room all to himself, Sasya returned to the dormitory. José, who knew that Sasya always stayed in the practice room at this time on Saturdays, gave him a puzzled look.

“Why are you back? Do you have plans too?”

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“…”

“Are you going to shower? Are you really going out? What’s gotten into you?”

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José came closer to the bathroom, asking one question with each step. His ears hurting, Sasya closed the door and turned on the water. As the water started pouring with a whoosh, he could feel José grumbling and moving away.

“Don’t tell me you have a date? Are you seeing a girl? Who are you meeting?”

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A girl…

It was true that he was meeting a girl. Since lying was difficult anyway, Sasya chose to ignore rather than answer, and successively stripped off his leotard and tights, tossing them outside the bathroom.

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Without thinking, he held the showerhead over his head, and a stream of cold water poured down. He had forgotten to turn on the hot water, and the cold water made his skin tingle. Sasya shivered from the numbing cold on his skin and regretted not turning the valve beforehand. Though it happened often, it was ridiculous every time it happened, and there was no one to blame.

Soon after, Sasya came out of the bathroom, water dripping from his soaking wet hair. José was standing guard at the bathroom door with an expression that suggested he couldn’t contain his curiosity.

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“Since you’re not saying anything, I guess it’s true?”

“…”

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Judging by his persistent questioning about girls, it seemed he had been rejected by Chloe.

Sasya, with lips turned blue from the cold shower, put on clothes without responding. The waist of his only pair of jeans was a bit loose. Rubbing his flat stomach, Sasya thought he should buy some marshmallows on his way home. He reached between the mattress and the headboard to grab a few more one dollar bills.

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“Sasya, what’s the plan? Take me with you. You can tell that girl to bring her friends too.”

“No.”

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After changing, Sasya looked at himself in the mirror. Then he turned around and asked José,

“How old do I look?”

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José furrowed his brow at Sasya’s sudden question.

“Why are you asking about age…?”

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“…”

“I got it! You’re going drinking!”

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When José snapped his fingers and jumped to the wrong conclusion, Sasya shook his head and left the room. José quickly followed him, dragging his slippers.

“This is suspicious. Really suspicious. Do you even have friends outside of school?”

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“…”

“Why are you asking about age? For your reference, you definitely don’t look like an adult. Maybe I would pass, though. So if you want to drink, take me with you.”

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José followed Sasya until he left the dormitory building and headed outside the center. However, because Sasya had completely sealed his lips, frustrated by José’s persistence, he ended up angrily punching the air at the end.

“I won’t forgive you if you drink alone! I’ll tell the housemother!”

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Although his steps faltered momentarily at the threat of telling the housemother, Sasya soon shook off José’s empty words and headed for the subway.

‘I’m late.’

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As soon as he got on the subway, Sasya realized he should have contacted Levin about being late beforehand. The subway in New York had poor reception, so once you were on it, you couldn’t make calls. He had wasted time because of José distracting him. Sasya blamed José a little.

Fortunately, it wasn’t too far from Lincoln Center to Union Square. The Saturday subway was more crowded than usual. Sasya leaned against the door, occasionally gazing out at the dark window where pale lights flashed by.

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Recently, Sasya had come to a conclusion. He would earn money by his own power.

But having never done it before, he didn’t know how to find work. Moreover, he wasn’t very fluent in English, which made him nervous.

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He had looked around a bit on the internet, and while the money you could earn varied greatly depending on the job, the biggest problem for Sasya right now was his age. Job postings always ended with the condition of being 20 or older.

However, yesterday while thoroughly searching the web, Sasya soon discovered an astounding testimony. He found an account claiming that even teenagers could earn $500 at a time if they did it right. With $500, if he did it just ten times, he could cover the costs for the competition.

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Immediately hooked, Sasya read the post eagerly. However, it was difficult to grasp exactly what kind of work needed to be done. Feeling frustrated with the English sentences, Sasya mainly focused on the images. Seeing cute logos in pink and yellow along with the word ‘Teen’ scattered throughout, it was clearly something teenagers could do. When Sasya saw the line saying the work wasn’t very difficult and that at first you only needed to show yourself during an interview, he felt encouraged.

But Sasya, who always found it difficult to call strangers, ultimately couldn’t make the call.

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That’s when he thought of Levin.

‘I’ll ask Levin to make the call for me.’

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Levin was a New York University Liberal Arts student four years older whom he had met since coming to New York, and to Sasya, she seemed incredibly smart and knowledgeable about everything. Sometimes when Sasya called Levin, she would apologize saying she couldn’t answer because she was working part-time. During breaks, Levin would sometimes juggle three or four jobs simultaneously.

Even if it wasn’t for this particular job, Sasya thought Levin might know about other opportunities. So last night, Sasya immediately called Levin.

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‘Levin, how do you find jobs? I want to work too.’

‘…Jobs?’

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‘Yes. I need money…’

At first, Levin seemed a bit flustered and awkward, but then said okay. She told him to come see her after class so they could discuss it and find something suitable.

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“Sasya!”

As soon as Sasya stepped out of the Union Square subway station, Levin waved cheerfully in front of a building under construction.

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“It’s been a while. Have you eaten lunch? If you have, want to grab some lemonade?”

“Levin…”

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Levin pointed to a quiet café where seats were visible through the window. But Sasya instinctively shook his head when he saw the man standing behind her.

“You… you said you’d help me find a job.”

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Feeling betrayed, Sasya couldn’t hide his frustration and mumbled. Levin, noticing where Sasya’s gaze had landed, spoke flustered

“Ah… I ran into him by chance. Julian wants to help you too.”

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The blond man who had been leaning obliquely against the steel structure until then spoke up.

“Hi, Sasya.”

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Julian greeted Sasya with a stern voice while keeping his arms crossed. Sasya looked at Levin as if seeking help, but Julian blocked his line of sight by stepping in front.

“Sasya. Why does a kid like you need money?”

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As Julian approached him decisively, Sasya swallowed hard with his hands in his pockets.

“…I’m leaving.”

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Sasya decided to just turn around and go back to the dormitory. However, before he could take two steps, Julian grabbed his arm.

“Where do you think you’re going? What are you up to? What does a kid need money for?”

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“I’m not a kid! I’m sixteen.”

“Hmph.”

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Sasya thought about wanting to punch Julian’s nose for openly mocking him. But he held back, remembering how disappointed Levin had been the last time he’d acted out.

Sometimes when Sasya impulsively acted like an untamed colt with bad manners, instead of scolding him, Levin would wear a dejected expression, and whenever Sasya saw her face like that, he felt heartbroken as if he had become a hopeless case beyond salvation.

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“Is your allowance not enough? Did you get into some trouble you can’t tell your parents about? Is that why you called Levin?”

“Why should I tell you anything, Julian?”

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“Because you’re acting exactly like a juvenile delinquent, that’s why. You punk.”

Sasya felt anger rising but kept his mouth shut. He didn’t want to tell Julian about needing money for the competition. He didn’t want his pity either.

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Actually, there was a time when Sasya had been attracted to Julian’s tall stature and his platinum hair that shone like honey.

But not anymore. Julian didn’t understand anything. Sasya had never received an allowance from his parents even once. Of the $400 given monthly to scholarship students for shoes and supplies, he split it in half, sending half to his mother and using the rest for groceries.

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‘He doesn’t know anything and yet…’

As Julian continued to reproach Sasya who kept closing his mouth, Levin stepped in, unable to watch anymore.

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“Julian. I told you not to talk to him like that.”

“Anyway, come here, Sasya. I need to hear why you need the money.”

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Julian firmly grabbed Sasya by putting his arms under his armpits and pushed him toward the café. Sasya planted his feet firmly and resisted.

“Good grief, this brat. Why are you so strong despite being so skinny?”

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“Julian! Don’t be so rough. If you treat kids harshly, they’ll just shut down.”

“Ugh…”

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It was just for a moment when Sasya, who had been resisting with all his might, lost his balance and stumbled. In that instant, Julian easily lifted him up.

“Let go!”

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Sasya, who had been kicking his legs in the air, felt his heel touch Julian’s hard shin and quickly drew his legs back in surprise. Having been hit in the shin dozens of times by his partner’s toe shoes while doing pas de deux, he knew well how much it hurt there. When he turned his head to check, sure enough, Julian had his brows furrowed, presumably from the pain. Just as Sasya was starting to feel a bit sorry, Julian whispered just loud enough for only Sasya to hear.

“Just you wait, Sasya. If Levin weren’t here, I’d flip you over and spank you.”

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Sasya trembled at the two-faced Julian, who acted differently on the inside and outside. He exploded again, shouting in Russian.

“Let go! I said let go! You thug! You deceitful liar!”

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“That’s why I told you not to be harsh. I said Sasya must have his reasons.”

In front of Levin, who looked down at him like a kind older sister, and Julian, who coldly interrogated him with his arms crossed, Sasya had to confess why he needed money. While talking about wanting to enter the competition, he ended up dropping tears that had welled up in his eyes. As tears ran down his chin, Sasya bit the inside of his mouth until his jaw hurt.

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It was absolutely not because he wanted to gain sympathy. He felt ashamed, feeling too young and useless as he spoke such pathetic words in front of Julian.

After hearing Sasya’s story, Julian, who was now embarrassed, stroked his chin and muttered.

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“About the competition… Are your parents against it?”

Sasya glared at Julian with tears still pooled in his eyes. His resentful gaze was ice-blue.

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Julian still didn’t understand anything. Julian, who majored in violin, struts around with a violin worth hundreds of millions on his back, and whenever he feels his lessons are insufficient, he flies abroad for private tutoring that costs thousands of dollars per hour. Although Sasya didn’t know much about music, through Julian he learned that whether in ballet or music, wealthy people had the advantage.

“That’s not it, Sasya wants to solve it on his own. He doesn’t want to burden his parents. Right?”

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At Levin’s words, Sasya quickly nodded while sniffling.

But Levin was different from Julian. She was someone who could understand his situation. Levin also came to university on a scholarship, and because she wasn’t in a position to receive support for rent and living expenses, she was making ends meet by taking whatever part-time jobs she could find.

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“That’s why I only wanted to tell Levin about it.”

Julian sighed in front of Sasya, who was wiping his still-wet eyes with the back of his hand.

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“Well, Sasya. I understand what you’re thinking, and I get why you need money. But I don’t recommend working. Didn’t you come here on a student visa? If you get caught working, you’ll be deported. You’re in a position where you can’t be legally protected, so it’s easy to be exploited.”

“…”

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“And that job you looked into… This… Hah, I’m embarrassed to even say it. This is something you should never do, even if you hit rock bottom. Got it?”

“…What kind of job is it?”

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“You wanna sell your body?”

Sasya stiffened at Julian’s words, which he spat out threateningly while leaning forward. Beside them, Levin was sighing with her hand covering her eyes.

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“Huh? Are you saying you want to make porn videos?”

Shocked and at a loss for words, Sasya quickly shook his head. The explicit language made his tears dry up instantly, and cold sweat ran down his spine.

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Just then, Levin suddenly cut in, as if something had occurred to her, changing the subject.

“Ah, speaking of videos, I just thought of something. Sasya, would you like to try YouTube?”

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“YouTube?”

“I watched some videos before, and a lot of ballet school students do that kind of thing. There are videos teaching ballet moves, school life vlogs…”

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“Hmm…”

At Levin’s words, Julian quickly moved his phone to search for some videos.

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“This looks good. Seems easy.”

Sasya tilted his head toward the video Julian showed him. On the screen, a girl who appeared to be around Sasya’s age was displaying her various colored leotards and explaining how each one fit.

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After watching intently, Sasya spoke in an uncertain voice.

“I don’t think I can do it. I don’t have many leotards.”

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It was impossible for him to show off leotards when he couldn’t even properly maintain his ballet shoes, which were essential, because he was using the money to replace his shoes for food expenses. The shoes he had were all worn out with holes due to excessive practice. Recently, José had thrown him a new pair of shoes saying he didn’t wear them anymore, but they were too big for Sasya, requiring him to wear two pairs of socks inside his tights.

Seeing Sasya’s dejected expression, Julian spoke in an exasperated tone.

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“The leotards aren’t important… You just need to talk about anything. Since ballet is your major, we’re just saying to make content about ballet.”

“Will people give me money for doing that?”

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“Yes. This definitely makes money. You’re pretty cute too, so you’ll gain subscribers quickly.”

“…How? If I write down my account number, will they deposit money to me?”

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Julian patiently explained the mechanics of it, but Sasya still couldn’t understand how to make money from YouTube. Julian sighed. There was no way Sasya, who couldn’t even understand the concept of advertising revenue, could create and upload videos by himself.

“I expected too much from you.”

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“…Sasya. Still, think about it slowly. Your friends might be able to help.”

“Okay…”

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Sasya became depressed after an unproductive day.

Before Sasya returned to the dormitory, Levin and Julian wanted to buy dinner for the dejected boy. When asked what he wanted to eat, Sasya thought for a while and answered ‘marshmallows.’

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Sasya was returning to the dormitory, gently rubbing his full upper stomach. In one hand, he held an elegant department store paper bag filled with marshmallows.

After eating an enormous steak that was too big to fit in his stomach in one meal, Julian bought him more cookies for dessert. While eating as a dessert marshmallows and chocolate sandwiched between cookies, all the trivial worries that had been filling Sasya’s head disappeared. Maybe it was because Levin had been continuously encouraging him.

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‘Doing competitions isn’t mandatory, you know. What if working to earn money ends up losing your skills? Don’t worry too much about it. If you just keep working hard at school like you are now, you’ll be able to join a ballet company right after. I don’t know much about ballet, but Sasya, you definitely have potential.’

It was true. In fact, until recently, Sasya himself had thought the same way. He believed that if he just maintained his excellent test scores every semester like now and didn’t cause any major problems, he would easily pass a ballet company’s audition.

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Sasya let out a silent sigh. It gave him chills thinking about what he almost did for $500. If his face became known through something like porn, it was clear he wouldn’t be able to get a proper job even as an adult, let alone join a ballet company.

As Levin said, the competition wasn’t everything, yet he almost made a mistake because of his dark thoughts.

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‘Why am I like this?’

Once caught in worry and starting to have ominous thoughts, it was hard to escape from them. He would only imagine the worst scenarios. Sasya himself was aware of his excessive anxiety, as it had been pointed out to him before.

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His father’s voice thundered in Sasya’s head. The voice that used to shout that the kid had mold growing in his brain was still vivid. His alcoholic father divorced his mother when Sasya was ten, and now they no longer lived together or had any reason to meet, but he was still Sasya’s source of anxiety.

His steps toward Lincoln Center gradually slowed.

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“You’re back earlier than expected?”

As soon as he turned the doorknob and opened the door, noisy sounds poured out from inside. It was Manuel who spoke.

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“José was saying you went drinking with some girls.”

“…”

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“Said you might not come back all night.”

Sasya headed to his bed and opened his single-unit closet to carefully put away the marshmallows. Manuel’s voice, following behind him, somehow sounded gruff. After hanging his coat on the hanger, Sasya turned around while unzipping the track top he was wearing underneath.

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“No, I didn’t.”

“…Really?”

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Manuel’s gaze fell on the bare chest revealed as the zipper came down. Sasya looked back at Manuel, who was staring intently at him, while continuing to remove his clothes. Unable to understand why he was staring like that, Sasya looked down to check if something was on him, but there was nothing noticeable.

Hoping that perhaps he had grown some hair, Sasya was disappointed. The kids who hit puberty early often went to waxing salons regularly to remove hair from their chests, thighs, and all over their bodies. However, Sasya’s skin was still as smooth as girls’, with no difference.

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“I had dinner with Levin and Julian.”

Only after saying it did Sasya remember that Manuel didn’t know those two people. But soon he thought, ‘Does it matter?’

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And when Manuel realized that the names that came from Sasya’s mouth were names typically given to men, he asked again in a softer voice.

“Are you going to shower right now?”

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“Why? Do you need to use the bathroom?”

Still half-naked and about to take off his pants, Sasya momentarily stopped with his hand on his stomach. Unlike earlier in the day when it was flat, his upper stomach was slightly protruding. Ballet teachers always emphasized that everything eaten that day should be fully digested before going to bed. If not, fat would tend to accumulate in unwanted places.

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“I think I should do some stretching before bed because I ate too much. Can you help me?”

“Of course.”

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If he was going to shower anyway, it seemed better to do so after sweating. Sasya went out to the hallway and did jumping jacks while facing the corridor wall. When he thought his body had warmed up enough, he sat with his back pressed tightly against the wall, and Manuel, who had been waiting, approached.

Sasya tried to spread his legs horizontally as wide as possible, close to 180 degrees against the wall. Manuel sat down in front and placed both feet on Sasya’s thighs.

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“Should I push?”

“Yeah.”

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“Tell me if you feel like throwing up.”

But when Manuel started pushing down on his thighs with his weight, Sasya was already too pale to say anything. As he felt his muscles stretching achingly, Sasya tried to relax the strength in his hip joints and legs. When his upper body threatened to fall forward from the strain, Manuel would push his shoulder with his fingers to keep him against the wall.

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“Haa, haa…”

“Does it hurt?”

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“…”

“You’re really strong, you know.”

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Manuel gently stroked Sasya’s cheek. Although the caressing touch was annoying, Sasya was too exhausted to brush it off. He just slightly turned his head to the opposite side.

When he was younger, he could stretch his legs as he wished, but as he aged a year or two, his muscle mass increased, and sometimes his flexibility couldn’t keep up with his strength. This stretching method that Vadim had taught him was like torture while doing it, but once stretched, the quality of movement would be noticeably different the very next day.

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Manuel clicked his tongue watching Sasya, who didn’t ask to stop even while breaking into a cold sweat. Guys who were forced to do this stretching when caught by Vadim would leave the practice room limping and crying. Sasya was the only one who voluntarily did this.

“That’s enough, now…”

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Even after Manuel stopped pushing, Sasya couldn’t bring his legs together for a while and just lay collapsed forward, breathing heavily. When he stood up while rubbing his tingling thighs, his entire body was wet with sweat to the point where it was dripping down his spine. Manuel’s gaze was peculiar as he watched Sasya getting up with groans.

“Can I shower first?”

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Sasya asked, thinking Manuel was watching him without going into the room because he wanted to use the bathroom. Manuel nodded and went into the room.

That night, someone crawled into Sasya’s bed.

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“Who… It’s cramped.”

Sasya mumbled and turned over under the blanket. The intruder seemed to have snuck in from the feet. Someone’s hot breath scattered around his pelvis as they crawled up, rustling under the blanket. Sasya turned over on his stomach, passively avoiding the hot breath he felt on his bare skin.

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“Don’t…”

“…”

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“Mmm…”

Half-asleep, Sasya felt a hand groping the sensitive inside of his thigh. The person’s palm was slightly damp, as if they sweated a lot. Still buried under the blanket, Sasya blinked dazedly as the hand slipped into his underwear. His vision was dark, and he wasn’t fully awake, so he couldn’t tell if this was a dream or not.

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This might be just another wet dream.

A very pleasant dream.

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Sasya waited nervously for what would come next. In the past, he had been excited just by the feeling of a large hand cupping his cheek and a kiss on his forehead. Could there be something even more stimulating than that? It was both exciting and frightening.

At that moment, a moist palm boldly slipped into his underwear. Then without hesitation, it grabbed the head. Caught off guard, a moan escaped from Sasya’s lips along with his breath. Startled by the sound from his own mouth, Sasya covered his mouth.

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That’s when it happened.

“Who’s talking in their sleep? Just sleep!”

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José’s irritated voice, heavy with sleep, was heard.

In an instant, all the sensations in his body became vivid. His own hand covering his mouth, his rapid breathing, the slightly dry edge of the blanket… and the stranger squirming beneath him.

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This wasn’t a dream. It was real.

Sasya tried to sit up in shock, but someone was faster, covering his mouth with both hands. Pressed down by the strong grip, Sasya looked up at the man who had pinned him.

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Manuel.

Their eyes met under the blanket. Sasya, overwhelmed by fear and confusion, silently stared up at his friend. They stayed like that until José’s restless movements subsided.

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Shortly after, when the room fell into silence, Manuel quietly slipped out of Sasya’s bed on his own.

Even after Manuel had left, Sasya’s mind was too chaotic to sleep.

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Unlike the dreams he had about a man with large hands, Manuel’s damp palm felt disgusting and sent shivers down his spine. He also wondered why Manuel had tried to touch his private parts.

He wanted to ask when he got the chance, but starting the very next morning, Manuel acted as if nothing had happened. All weekend, he laughed and chatted with the others as usual, behaving no differently than before.

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Sasya’s mood, which had improved considerably after meeting Julian and Levin, plummeted again over the weekend. It wasn’t just because Manuel was avoiding him, but because he discovered a bruise on his thigh before going to bed on Sunday evening.

Sasya sighed as he looked at the large bruise on his inner thigh. The lingering ache had ultimately resulted in a muscle tear. If it got inflamed, it would be a nuisance for months. Leaning one hand on the closet door, Sasya tried a high side développé², then forcefully swung his leg into derrière³. As soon as he bent his waist slightly, a sharp pain shot through him.

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It’s torn.

With a gloomy expression, Sasya berated himself and piled hot packs on the bruised area.

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“Who took all the hot packs that were here?”

Someone shouted in disbelief, but Sasya pretended not to hear and covered his legs with the blanket. He fell asleep, praying that the inflammation wouldn’t get worse.

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But the pain was even worse the next morning.

I’m such an idiot.

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Sasya gloomily rubbed his thigh. The heat packs he had greedily taken and placed on his legs the night before were now scattered everywhere after tossing and turning in his sleep.

If Vadim found out about the muscle tear, it wouldn’t end with just a scolding. He might even get slapped in front of everyone.

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Sullen, Sasya arrived at the locker room later than the others and secretly undressed in the corner. To hide the bruise, he opted for dark tights that reached his ankles instead of his usual shorts. He also didn’t forget to wear two pairs of socks inside the oversized shoes Josée had given him.

Just as he was about to roll up his clothes and lock the locker, his gaze landed on a small note stuck inside.

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Sasya’s gaze lingered on the small note stuck inside the locker. Inside was something he had no memory of storing.

Sasya took out the small package with the note attached. Turning the transparent package around, he saw a chocolate bar, a carton of milk, and a bagel sandwich wrapped in plastic. The bagel, cut in half, revealed creamy cheese and bright red salmon spilling out.

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Did Manuel leave this?

Maybe he did this as an apology.

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Come to think of it, Julia had told him to gain weight just last week. He felt embarrassed realizing he had almost skipped breakfast out of habit again. And salmon? Salmon was one of Sasya’s favorites, but it was hard to store, so he rarely got to eat it. Feeling a sudden hunger, Sasya took the food package and stood by the window.

As soon as he opened the plastic, he stuffed the bagel into his mouth, swallowing it almost whole before washing it down with milk. The bagel was delicious. The salmon was fresh, and the cream cheese had a rich, milky flavor.

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Just then, some girls passing by for their morning class glanced at Sasya, who was quickly eating his breakfast, and whispered. “He eats so fast.” Light laughter filled the air as Sasya’s ears turned red, his gaze fixed outside the window.

In less than five minutes, Sasya had finished all the food. He stuffed the trash into his gym bag and headed to the studio. He felt a bit queasy from eating too quickly.

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Inside, students who had arrived earlier were scattered around, stretching.

Sasya cautiously moved to an empty spot and tried stretching his left leg, which had the torn muscle, by pulling it back. But in his haste, he overdid it without properly warming up. As soon as he lifted his leg to the usual angle, a sharp pain brought tears to his eyes.

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The inflammation wasn’t getting better; in fact, it was getting worse. He would probably have to visit the physical center in the afternoon.

“Good morning, everyone.”

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Julia lightly knocked on the studio door. Sasya and the other students turned their attention to her.

With a bright smile, Julia announced, “There will be guests observing today’s class. As you all know, our school operates with the support of many sponsors. Some of those who enjoy watching your growth will be visiting today.”

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The students murmured excitedly. Even though it was the same routine practice, having guests made it different. A lively atmosphere quickly filled the studio.

“They won’t disrupt your practice. They’ll watch through the windows outside or check the school facilities. Just be the good, hardworking students you always are.”

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Sasya stared at Julia with a stiff expression.

It was today? He finally remembered Vadim’s stern warning from last weekend.

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Vadim then entered the room, not giving Sasya time to recover from his shock. The music for the first exercise, plié⁴, began to play.

“First position! Start with pliés.”

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Sasya shook his aching thigh and assumed first position.

‘He’s not the type to be interested in things like this. Not like the general public who are desperate to see ballet stars.’

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‘Mr. Clements? Who’s that now?’

Sasya took a deep breath and gradually calmed down.

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No matter how he thought about it, the chances of Mr. Clements coming to see him were slim. Besides, there were 60 students in the morning class, and it wouldn’t be easy to spot him among the similarly dressed students.

Sasya shook off his distracting thoughts and quickly focused on the movements. Soon, he forgot about the presence of the guests.

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However, the pain he had forgotten returned during a grand battement⁵. As he lightly kicked his leg, a sharp, unbearable pain shot through him. Biting his lip, Sasya continued the movements, hoping Vadim’s gaze would pass over him.

“Now, the other side. Let me explain again. From fifth position, three times forward, once to the side. On the third kick to the side, sweep your leg and derrière…”

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As Vadim explained, some students glanced out the window. Sasya, wiping the sweat from his chin, followed their gaze. Outside the long rectangular window, a group of men in navy, gray, and black suits could be seen. They were likely the sponsors Julia had mentioned.

“Préparation!”

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At Vadim’s shout, Sasya prepared in en bas⁶. As he lowered his gaze slightly with his hands, a golden blur passed through the corner of his vision.

Blond hair?

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“Forward, with power! Higher!”

Sasya looked back out the window. The blond hair, faintly glowing in the dark hallway, immediately caught his eye.

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A tall man, towering over the others, with broad shoulders wrapped in a dark suit.

Karel Clements.

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He was standing with his back to the studio, turned away.

Sasya stared blankly at the man’s back. Unlike the other middle-aged men in suits who looked somewhat shabby, his sponsor stood straight, his posture impeccable. The back of his neck, clean and austere, showed he was listening intently to Julia.

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It had been a year since he last saw his sponsor.

When the man turned and looked through the window, Sasya’s heart raced wildly. It might have been his imagination, but their eyes seemed to meet.

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The sponsor’s gaze swept across the studio in an instant. The illusion of eye contact was likely because Sasya had been staring at him intently. After slowly scanning the room, the man turned his back again. Leaning slightly to listen to Julia, who was much shorter, his sponsor looked as kind as he had during their first meeting.

“Sasya! Where’s your point?”

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Startled by Vadim’s voice close by, Sasya quickly extended his arm higher in en haut⁷.

“Strengthen your back, lift your lower abdomen!”

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Vadim slapped Sasya’s back and stomach as he spoke, his strikes as sharp as ever, bringing tears to Sasya’s eyes. His momentary lapse in concentration had been exposed by his sloppy posture. Sasya tightened his chest, took a deep breath, and tensed his body again.

Fixing his gaze forward, he saw his own red ears in the mirror. He felt deeply disappointed in himself, thinking his sponsor might have seen his weak, sloppy pose with a loose body and sagging hips.

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With that, the barre work ended with a battement, and a short break was given. The students leaned against the barre to stretch or drank from their water bottles. Sasya also staggered to his bag by the wall to find his bottle of water. But all he felt at his fingertips were the remnants of the bagel sandwich he had devoured earlier.

While Sasya was looking around wondering if he could get a drink from someone, Vadim clapped his hands twice in the air. At that signal, the students paired up and swiftly lifted the barre, moving it to a corner of the practice room.

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“Starting with adagio. Fifth position.”

And so, without even a moment to take a sip of water, the center work⁸ began.

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Sasya sighed as he stepped into the center. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that all barre work was merely a warm-up for center work. As the real practice began, Sasya stood behind Vadim, who was demonstrating the adagio sequence, and memorized the movements with his eyes, while trying to ignore the feeling of his hastily eaten breakfast sitting heavily in his stomach.

Just then, the front door of the practice room opened with a click. Though it was opened very quietly to avoid disrupting them, the students naturally glanced toward the door.

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“Didn’t they say they wouldn’t come into the practice room?”

“Who knows. Guess they want to see up close.”

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“It’s going to smell of sweat though.”

Sasya could hear José and Manuel whispering behind him. At their words, he unconsciously clenched his hands together while looking at the open door. Sure enough, the sponsors were entering the practice room one by one.

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“First group. Préparation, allongé…”

Vadim’s voice was barely registering in Sasya’s ears anymore. He was only curious about whether Karel Clements was among the sponsors coming in. If so, this would be the first time showing him his ballet. His heart was pounding frighteningly at the thought of the sponsor watching him.

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“Passé, développé. Flow smoothly forward into plié.”

However, before his sponsor could enter, the practice room door closed.

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‘Why didn’t he come in?’

No matter how hard he looked, Karel wasn’t there – only middle-aged men in shabby suits stood lined up against the wall with their arms crossed.

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Feeling deeply disappointed inside, Sasya firmly planted his foot to begin an en dedans⁹ turn. His body, propelled by force, spun quickly like a spinning top, completing exactly three full turns. When Vadim demonstrated, it was one turn, and even the students who turned more only did double turns. However, Sasya, who maintained perfect balance even after completing the turns, extended his leg long into a pose.

The sponsors let out small gasps upon noticing this particularly eye-catching student. Perhaps it was natural for attention to be drawn to such a standout. Meanwhile, Vadim gave a long look at Sasya as he walked back to the back of the room with his head bowed after finishing the sequence.

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‘That kid is taking out his frustration.’

Vadim clicked his tongue and pretended not to notice Sasya’s behavior.

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The center work sequence became increasingly complex, moving from tendu¹⁰ to small jumps to balancé¹¹. After completing soutenu¹² and piqué¹³ turns, Vadim finally instructed them to do grand jumps.

“First group, step forward! Manuel, stand a bit further from Sasya.”

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At Vadim’s direction, five students including Sasya repositioned themselves with proper spacing.

Grand jumps were Sasya’s favorite sequence. Not only did grand jumps signal that class was nearing its end, but he also loved the feeling of floating in the air.

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Sasya prepared his pose while mentally reviewing the corrections he often received. Following the music, he gracefully threw back his arms in tombé pas de bourrée¹⁴, took off with a glissade¹⁵, and then powerfully launched into the air using the leg that had been fully pointed. At that moment, he released all tension from his upper body and went into cambré¹⁶.

Though he felt pain again when his legs fully split in the air, Sasya silently executed all movements without missing any.

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“Haah, haah…”

After striking the final arabesque pose, Sasya moved aside for the second group running in. He intended to make a wide circle around the practice room toward the corner.

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That’s when it happened.

Click.

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“Ah…!”

The door suddenly opened right in front of him, and he almost hit his forehead. Sasya quickly stepped back.

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“Oh, I’m sorry.”

It was a deep and resonant voice.

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Sasya looked up at the person who had apologized to him.

‘Mr. Clements.’

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Sasya could only look up at the man, speechless.

Face to face, he was much taller than he had appeared from afar, and his build was like a mountain in its enormity. Moreover, that scent – the sharp fragrance of cologne that had wafted to his nose when they’d nearly collided less than a hand’s width apart. While he had always disliked the cologne José sprayed to mask his sweat in the practice room, his sponsor’s scent, seemingly held in check by his restrained suit, was very pleasant. He seemed like a real adult.

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In that moment, Sasya realized something: you could only notice this smell when you were very close to someone. Thinking that his sponsor might have caught his faint smell of sweat, Sasya quickly stepped back.

Sasya quietly looked up at his sponsor with his pounding heart. But after his polite apology, he quietly closed the practice room door and leaned against it. Then, as if he had already forgotten Sasya’s existence, he crossed his arms and watched the other students doing grand jumps.

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‘Could he have forgotten my face?’

Sasya glanced at his sponsor while returning to the back of the practice room. Metal occasionally reflected soft light from his wrist. The heavy watch, which looked weighty even at a glance, had a seemingly overwhelming design, but it suited perfectly under the man’s large hands with visible veins on the back. Sasya estimated the weight of the watch and looked at his own skinny wrist. If he wore something like that, it would only look bad, like it’s too much for him.

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In any case, his sponsor was quite intently watching the students practice.

And Sasya anxiously hoped that Vadim would instruct them to do grand jumps one more time. Of course, that didn’t happen.

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“Alright, practice ends here.”

Sasya felt bad. He resented wherever Mr. Clements had been during the not-so-short center work time. He was also quickly filled with frustration at not being able to show him any of his dancing.

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But then,

“Sasya, come forward.”

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Vadim said.

At the sudden instruction, Sasya whirled his head toward Vadim. He was beckoning to him with his finger.

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“You haven’t forgotten Le Corsaire solo variation, right?”

Sasya nodded reflexively as he moved forward.

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José, watching Sasya walk to the center from behind, showed with his face his troubled mind. Le Corsaire variation was the required piece for the competition José was planning to enter, and he was currently taking private lessons for it.

The fact that Vadim, knowing this, specifically called Sasya to perform in front of the sponsors meant he judged that Sasya’s dancing, even without lessons, was more worth showing.

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Manuel, who had been quietly watching José, silently patted his shoulder. José shrugged and focused on Sasya, who was already in the starting pose. The difference in who had natural talent was clear just with their body. It was something even someone who knew nothing about ballet could see. It was something everyone knew so well that there was no point in getting depressed over it.

Meanwhile, Sasya, who had walked to the center while glancing at Karel, was gradually overcome with an awkward feeling. While he wanted to show his dancing, the level was too high. The latter part of Le Corsaire variation repeatedly required high jumps with full splits in the air.

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It was clear he wouldn’t be able to jump properly if he was conscious of the pain.

Sasya swallowed dryly as he looked straight ahead.

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Vadim approached the audio system to play the music. The moment the familiar introduction began to play, Sasya looked at Karel. And this time, their eyes truly met.

But it wasn’t as thrilling as he had imagined.

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That was because now everyone there had no choice but to watch him. His sponsor would have given the same look if José or Manuel were standing in his place. Sasya felt indescribable emotions.

‘I have to do this right.’

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The moment the music started, Sasya took a quick breath and ran with large steps.

The jumps needed to be light enough to seem weightless, yet precise. Doing attitude balance¹⁷ was needed to stretch the arms while using the full length of the music… However, at the moment of the jump he had been worried about, sure enough, intense pain shot through his leg. It was a numbing pain that ran from deep in his hip joint to his toes.

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The poor quality of the landing made the next few steps shaky. The same thing happened when he jumped the second time. Vadim, who briefly entered his field of vision, already looked furious…

It was a performance far from deserving praise.

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Panting heavily while holding his final pose, Sasya slowly rose from his position without even being able to look toward the sponsors. Small applause broke out among them.

“Stop that.”

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Vadim shook his head as he walked toward Sasya.

“Your dance wasn’t worthy of applause. You know that too, don’t you, Sasya?”

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Intimidated, Sasya nodded. His heart felt like it would burst under Vadim’s sharp gaze.

“It was terrible. Everything was wrong! Your leg was too high while doing the attitude turn, and the turn was so fast you ended up wobbling. And always here! You should land with strength in your abdomen and waist while bending your knees. Because you don’t put enough strength in your abdomen, the steps after your jumps aren’t clean. I have to point out the same things to you every time.”

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Fortunately, he hadn’t noticed the thigh injury, but conversely, these corrections came from being too conscious of that area.

He had been scolded publicly in front of everyone. Having his sponsor witness this made Sasya wish he could die right then. He hated himself for getting injured from being too ambitious with stretching, and then ruining everything at the most important moment because of it.

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“Nngh…”

“What are you crying for? There’s a limit to how shameful you can be.”

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Large tears were already rolling down Sasya’s cheeks and jaw. His shoulders shook intermittently as he sobbed.

The girls whispered among themselves as they watched Sasya, who had finally broken down in tears in front of so many people.

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“Oh no. That must be so embarrassing…”

“I don’t think he did that badly.”

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“Right. He was amazing.”

“I can’t even do that.”

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Sasya resented Vadim for humiliating him in front of everyone, and his tears wouldn’t stop. Vadim clicked his tongue and left, while Sasya roughly wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and went to the corner of the practice room.

And only after gathering his bag did Sasya realize that the sponsors had already left the practice room.

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Sasya’s heart sank.

‘What if he thinks the money for my scholarship is being wasted?’

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Sasya frantically burst out of the practice room. Looking left and right down the corridor, there was no sign of his sponsor. Sasya ran noisily to the nearest staircase and sprinted down to the first floor without taking a breath.

With only the thought that he couldn’t let him leave like this, even though he didn’t know what he wanted to say after catching up with him.

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And when he reached the first floor, Sasya spotted his sponsor standing in the lobby.

“Haa, haa… Mr. Clements!”

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A strained voice escaped from Sasya’s mouth. The man who had been talking with someone turned around with a puzzled expression.

Sasya, running without looking at the floor, tripped on the carpet and fell with a thud. His knee hit the floor first, and it was clearly scraped, throbbing madly. But more than the pain, Sasya jumped up in embarrassment and limped towards the sponsor.

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He seemed a bit startled seeing Sasya running towards him so dramatically.

“…Are you alright? Doesn’t it hurt?”

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“Mr. Clements, it’s been a while. I… uhm… I…”

The man’s eyes were fixed on Sasya’s knee. Following his gaze, Sasya discovered straw and dust clumps stuck to his knee. When he hastily tried to brush them off, he felt something damp on the surface of his tights. It seemed that blood was coming from where his knee had been scraped when he fell.

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“You should go to the infirmary right away. You seem hurt.”

“It’s nothing. This doesn’t even count as painful. Uhm…”

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Feeling hurt that the sponsor was trying to send him away, Sasya shook his head insisting he would be fine even if he were dying. The unknown man who had been talking with his sponsor until just now stood beside him, looking down at Sasya. Under the silent urging that seemed to say ‘if you have business, speak quickly,’ Sasya blurted out the first thing that came to mind among the many things he had thought to say when meeting the sponsor.

“Thank you for sending me the birthday card.”

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“…”

The sponsor’s expression remained unchanged after hearing Sasya’s words. Sasya watched his reaction carefully, trying to figure out if he had said something wrong.

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“Ah, I’m Sasya. Sasya Shchedrin. Alexandre Shchedrin.”

“…”

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“Uhm… did you see my emails?”

“…”

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“I’d send emails sometimes. A few times… no, more than ten times.”

But because of the sponsor’s expression after those words, Sasya realized that his previous expressionless reaction had actually been better. This was because after hearing Sasya’s words, the sponsor merely crossed his arms and made a sound like ‘Hmm…’

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His brow was even slightly furrowed. At his face that seemed somewhat displeased, Sasya’s courage shrank to the size of a bean.

The sponsor, keeping his gaze fixed on Sasya, turned slightly toward the man standing beside him.

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“About the emails…”

Sasya’s heart began to pound. Somehow it felt like his heart was pounding in his injured knee too.

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“I’ll have them checked through my secretary.”

And he gave a brief instruction to the man standing beside him, shifting his gaze.

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“George, check on that.”

‘Ah…’

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Sasya groaned inwardly with disappointment. It was clear that his sponsor had never read any of the emails he had sent until now. It wasn’t even certain if he remembered Sasya, the boy to whom he had personally given his business card.

And then the sponsor, overlaying a kind smile on his expression like the one he had shown at their first meeting, said,

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“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an appointment.”

“Ah…”

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“Do go to the infirmary quickly.”

The sponsor lightly patted Sasya’s shoulder as if dusting it off and turned away.

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It took less than 10 seconds for the long-legged man to completely exit the lobby with his steady strides.

After the sponsor left so anticlimactically, Sasya immediately ran to the bathroom. And unable to bear the fullness in his upper stomach that had been bothering him since before practice, he threw up everything he had eaten for breakfast.

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