LA0S | Chapter 31

Just past midnight on January 1st, Kim Chayoung said he had a place in mind and took me to a restaurant that looked expensive just from the entrance. It was a spot that didn’t quite fit two high school students, or rather, two who had just turned twenty.

“I’ve been saving up my allowance to come here with you. Skipped a few trips to the PC room and didn’t order takeout, so I hope you don’t feel burdened.”

It was the kind of place where feeling unburdened seemed impossible. Kim Chayoung had to nearly drag me inside as I hesitated at the entrance.

It was the fanciest meal I had ever eaten, and the night view through the large window looked like scattered jewels. It was nice being in a private room, just the two of us. Kim Chayoung scooped some of his steak onto my plate.

“That’s enough. Eat your food.”

“I had meat yesterday. Mom suddenly decided to grill some pork belly.”

If he had meat already, he could have ordered something else. It was clear that he was being considerate for my sake.

“Let’s toast.”

Kim Chayoung lifted his wine glass with a cheerful tone. Now that I noticed, while I had barely sipped mine, he was already on his third glass.

His face and expression seemed fine. Maybe he can hold his liquor? I hadn’t drunk with him before, so I wasn’t sure.

“You okay? How many fingers am I holding up?”

I shoved a finger in front of his eyes, and he playfully grabbed it.

“I’m feeling really good right now.”

Kim Chayoung laughed out loud, his eyes crinkling at the corners, creating little crow’s feet—enough to show he was genuinely enjoying himself. How can this guy be so cute when he laughs?

Seeing Kim Chayoung so happy lifted my spirits as well.

“Let’s start planning our trip tomorrow. Somewhere far… would be nice if we could see the ocean too. We’ve been stressed with all the studying, so let’s go and relax.”

Kim Chayoung still had those smile lines as he talked about the trip. I thought it was just talk, but maybe he was serious. I felt bad dampening his mood, but I had no money.

“Actually, I’ve already booked train tickets and a place to stay in Yeosu. You mentioned wanting to go there. Let’s go see the ocean at night.”

I didn’t remember when I’d mentioned wanting to go to Yeosu. I set down my fork and knife.

“I don’t think it’s right that you’re paying for everything, the restaurant and the trip.”

“I want to do this, so what’s the problem?”

Kim Chayoung tried to convince me several times.

“I’ll pay you back once I get my part-time paycheck.”

“Forget it. Use your paycheck for your expenses.”

At that time, my home situation was a mess, which Kim Chayoung knew about. He had offered a lot of help and comfort.

“And this.”

Kim Chayoung reached into the bag he’d hung on his chair and pulled something out.

“A present for your university acceptance. I picked it out carefully, but I’m not sure if you’ll like it.”

I looked down at the box Kim Chayoung was holding out.

“A gift for university acceptance? I haven’t even been accepted yet. And bringing me to this expensive restaurant is more than enough.”

“That’s one thing, and this is another. It’s a preemptive gift.”

“My arm hurts.” Kim Chayoung shook the arm holding the box. I sighed softly and took the box from him.

“Aren’t you going to open it?”

Inside the square box was a dark navy muffler, neatly folded. It wasn’t a luxury brand but had a tag from a well-known brand.

“You get cold easily.”

“…Thanks. But aren’t you spending too much money?”

“It’s okay. I don’t mind spending on you.”

Still, that was a lot of money.

Kim Chayoung moved to the seat next to me and picked up the muffler. Soon, its soft touch lightly wrapped around my neck. He wrapped it around twice and meticulously tied a knot. His eyelashes cast long shadows as his eyelids drooped slightly. The breath that escaped his slightly parted lips tickled my lower lip. He was beautiful. I couldn’t take my eyes off his face.

“It suits you better than I thought.”

Kim Chayoung smiled widely as he finished.

My heart pounded loudly, so much so I thought Kim Chayoung might hear it. I suddenly stood up.

“I need to use the restroom.”

“Should I come with?”

“No, I’ll be quick.”

As I headed to the restroom, I realized I had forgotten my phone. I had meant to call my mom to let her know I’d be late. When I returned to retrieve it:

“Oh, I’m with him right now.”

Kim Chayoung’s voice came through the slightly open door of our private room. He must have been on a call, not with his parents, probably a friend. As I was about to open the door further:

“We couldn’t really enjoy ourselves because of the exams, so now we’re trying to do everything we missed. Yeah, we’re really dating. Why meet…”

I paused. I couldn’t hear what the other person said, but they might have asked why he was dating ‘that girlfriend.’ I was curious what Kim Chayoung would say.

“It’s out of pity. I’m dating him because I feel sorry for him.”

…How should I describe what I felt then? It was more devastating than anger or disappointment. It was like finding out that what I thought was a shiny jewel was actually just a dull stone.

Shame and embarrassment flushed my face.

I turned around and ran to the restroom. My breaths came ragged. The way Kim Chayoung had tied my scarf earlier and the sudden drop in my heart had a whole different meaning now.

Expensive restaurant, train tickets, accommodation, muffler. Kim Chayoung’s words about using my paycheck for living expenses. Now his reactions and answers made sense.

His acceptance of my confession, dating me, all of it.

It wasn’t sincere. It was out of pity.

“Why did you do it?”

Did I look that pitiful? If you talk about a friend like that, it would be better not to accept them. Why make someone feel more miserable?

Kim Chayoung furrowed his brow at my abrupt question. He looked confused, as if he couldn’t understand what I was talking about.

But I didn’t say anything more.

Was this also out of pity? Then and now, Kim Chayoung and my positions were similar.

“Why stop talking?”

“Don’t shake me. My head hurts.”

Kim Chayoung stopped shaking my shoulder and let go.

“I think I need to lie down.”

I muttered weakly. Kim Chayoung had already stood up and was reaching out his hand towards me. His beautiful fingers were right in front of me. I ignored them and got up using the toilet for support.

Ha. A ridiculous breath scattered above my head.

“Even now, you hate receiving help. Or is it just me you hate?”

“I’m tired. Sorry, but can I rest alone?”

He moved his lips several times before walking heavily towards the entrance. Clack. Bang. The sound of the door opening and closing followed in quick succession.

Had he really left? I slumped onto the sofa and tilted my head back. The sharp fluorescent light stabbed at my eyes. This is why I didn’t want Kim Chayoung’s help. It just brought back old memories.

After that day, I cut off everything related to Kim Chayoung. Completely unilateral.

I hadn’t asked Kim Chayoung because my pride was hurt. To be honest, I was afraid of his response.

Yeah. I am pitying you.

Even though I had already heard it, being confirmed directly seemed like it would utterly break me. I thought it was better to bury it.

Misfortune always seemed to come in waves, and eventually, due to my father’s gambling debts, our house was auctioned off. Our already precarious living situation crumbled completely. Fortunately, my grandmother took in the homeless family members, except for my father, who had been out of touch for over three months. We all moved to Busan.

I changed my phone number. I didn’t transfer the data, so I didn’t have any saved numbers. My empty contact list was filled only with family. Kim Chayoung’s number… I knew it by heart but blocked it just in case. I didn’t attend the graduation ceremony, so I didn’t receive a yearbook. Now that I think about it, wasn’t Kim Chayoung supposed to give me a yearbook? He jokingly said he’d buy one for keeps and one for viewing, and that I could have the viewing one.

I registered for university but enlisted in the military right away. During the early days of my service, Kim Chayoung would come to mind whenever I tried to sleep. Initially, it was tormenting and depressing, then it turned into anger. Dating me out of pity? Who was he to do that? It was incredibly presumptuous. My thoughts always ended with the conclusion that I never wanted to meet Kim Chayoung again.

After completing a year and a half of military service and waiting to return to school, I worked non-stop at part-time jobs to afford my own rental apartment. Even after starting school, I continued to work tirelessly to pay my rent and send money home. I couldn’t afford to lose my academic scholarship, so I spent any spare time buried in the library.

That’s how I thought I had completely erased Kim Chayoung from my life. I had no idea it would turn out this way.

“I’m really tired.”

A deep sigh escaped me.