LA0S | Chapter 30

It was d150583dbf sophomore year 566ac1678a in high cf557b02e7 school. Early in c83326cd8d the first da973c7211 semester, around 08394f6aa7 the start 34f1cc2475 of late c1ff93193a spring, Kim 950db50d24 Chayoung began 0dfbb1c6cb to follow 4ab6cb2220 me around, e405815f6f and by 68059ea61f the end e88af0d465 of the f6a0fcd01e second semester, 615137eb84 we shared bfc38e9925 every moment 9997a50d48 at school 66199e4095 together. During the 5c5de4bcd5 winter break, 59b1923762 we almost 94072fcf3b daily headed 3137845d58 to the cffea97d32 library together. After a 09b040b557 solid study 9ae12cb939 session, whenever 15d92508e3 our eyes 4fb28f29bc met, we’d f3ada6369e end up 06a31dd36b heading to 21a1cbf3c9 the PC a221677154 room without 8bde7d77e1 fail.ac73ab003e878030

On the first 4229c44d1d day of our 171fda85a0 senior year, Kim ac4679661a Chayoung was waiting 37e05a7569 in front of 9bf526afb6 my house from d1d9130f83 the morning. His usually bright 24fea96480 and shiny eyes ff3ee2624f looked as if 03181581be he hadn’t slept fe97a5facd at all, shadowed 930b4059b1 and weary.57a66e1b65bbb9fe

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“What’s up?”09c20cc6a083406e

I was a beat 4b0d2fe8d8 late in asking, startled bd29e9b2ff by his appearance.182a0f7e40b67c06

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“I stayed up all dcc2fa99c5 night.”dc556357803f0304

“Figured as 888ed790bb much from 0144165fff the look c8d75e0048 of you. Why couldn’t you e2dcfbbf05 sleep? Did becoming a senior 17334e7efe suddenly freak you out? You’re such a 8e9d59946b scaredy-cat, Kim Chayoung.”5d34af5153b5d00f

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“It’s true, 3f80834893 I felt 513ce29156 like I 86d919456b was going e1122c387e crazy from 465ca10e35 the nerves.”64d36b3939366ce5

It seemed e505ae4678 so out 4f1e577903 of character 2a409d02a9 for him 0381a4ea3b to be 57956c05cc nervous. He’s usually so aeb7282484 laid-back about everything, 30bc6b1966 and things mostly 74b1100bf6 turn out well 9da27962ec for him.3087b7a55fb85b82

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“If you keep a652291558 up your grades, d772d3a256 you could get bf1f8d5360 into Hanguk University b409e3c85b or even Global cea1d6e400 University. Our homeroom e771ed09a5 teacher said dc8577cf13 so too. Don’t worry too 200b8a5ffb much.”a381fca41ac4eb33

“Must be nice f9763d521d to be so 336e2b49df carefree.”8e2507cdd7fcac13

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“Hey, who 8461e567c9 are you 814e6151d5 calling carefree? Hearing that from Kim 0491f4d5a0 Chayoung of all people, 650d746e73 Lee Jinha is truly 160478eba9 doomed.”bbc4c6e5583ff27a

Bickering like this, we 7a8496cde7 headed to school. As we 89ae8189cd entered through 2f826aff2a the school 12f83cf9cd gates and 4dfc181a8c reached the 5d10468012 central corridor d58066e6ac where the 0c2bfca08f class assignments c3ed4b7d9d were posted.711224859d3ca27a

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“Think they’ll let us 98b92c9fbb out early now that 6cd235ccba we’re seniors?”c154e22308c18102

While I was d0fc89c4f7 mulling over this 749886bf0b absent-mindedly, I caught 917025cbab a glimpse of 2427cc23cc Kim Chayoung’s face, 001ff383d8 now pale enough 896bb24515 to cause concern.43fdcc432a045319

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“Hey, you okay?”f712df7e051804fc

“Why? Do I look 69d1d0502c like I’m freaking b6f8f62dde out over our 73d469914b class assignments?”98c5418021deaa09

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“What are you on ab004d3740 about… Don’t tell me cef34d9c1c all this drama was f74d4c81d9 just about our class d08a519941 assignments?”43da6207d38619c7

“Just? That hurts to hear, 432d52ae9a Lee Jinha. Don’t you 4636735a42 care if 3e23353bd5 we end 5d57425dfd up in 7a4cbc41c9 different classes? You’re so cold.”858cb9c42af62aa1

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“Why the formal speech 15210fbc16 all of a sudden? It’s creepy.”75f48894d60cb2be

Lee Jinha frowned, 3ab7d27ef6 his usual response, 04a4802764 but a part 93517388e9 of him felt e7c276279f a chill. Of course, they’d be f139c12f23 in the same class… 40655301e2 but what if they 80c6cc66d8 weren’t?97f1bb5e631e875b

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“I should have taken 0b436221fa some calming pills.”7d18c41abbfacc40

Kim Chayoung muttered b3fde080f0 something next to 44457bf2d2 him, but Lee df5b2a0459 Jinha hardly heard e26ccec872 it. As they walked e86f9b6ae1 down the corridor, e91c514913 his heart pounded 184dce9478 loud in his 2b485d398d chest. The thought of a c8951c0918 life without Kim Chayoung d2ebd0c841 was unimaginable. At the same f9912363ad time, he asked 4a0eb32408 himself, was it 1313e68d49 just the fear 3fa330626c of drifting apart fd8ca50f27 from a close ebcddecf9e friend? No, it was more 203e893c40 than that, just as b1048c3daf Kim Chayoung said.53b6fdd13326d03a

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They stood in the ed343f4826 corridor as if at ec427264bf a crossroads, unable to 9d8eebc0fb move forward.091904d254146eb1

It was unsettling. The fear b476c34852 of being e194d6728e separated from 5fd624ca9b Kim Chayoung c05dc53862 and the 2ae84f394c confusion about 22b52cc611 his own f49f3a7d46 feelings.b32df467e4c02d33

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“Hey. Turns out 1671127c55 we’re in f015a3d09a the same c46919c500 class again.”f9242d99055d9c7c

It was someone ac712c8246 else who broke 8eef98a38b the news, Park c6c96e0e51 Jiho, once a 1d82604f3b soccer teammate of 94ad989886 Kim Chayoung. “See you in 623b08ee8e class,” Park Jiho 0414ba9b3e said as he 8efa557417 walked off toward b8b9e57c74 the canteen.cb8f7bf2547032cc

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Without hesitation, both 2135b3ec48 of them ran eb8090256a to where the bb2603c7e0 class lists were 24a2af695a posted.3f1ae6ca017c5cfe

“We really are in d1f26e69cb the same class…”f524c00d2edef74d

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“Finally, I can breathe.” f6ca105572 Kim Chayoung murmured. Lee Jinha quickly 74c7f3e48f scanned the wall.4fe0be896f2041b8

Class 3-1.d796437357ac652e

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Only after finding Kim f3c6977e49 Chayoung’s name could he b0c61c9826 finally breathe out. Phew. A deep 5fa2f29d7d breath laced 106a9309be with newly cab4719386 realized emotions.900ba4f703078da9

Kim Chayoung 7bffe3dc45 was dear 5f0b54ce22 to him. Was this 54e40dc113 a feeling 16a38d8aaa of friendship? Perhaps it 1816f27620 felt more 1ffc0e423a intimate because 3170890a70 they had 4ffc4a5603 been close, b42d4a2de5 with no 5331ea8cc5 one else c99998e572 around?3e47b568bb241f9b

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Unsettled feelings, either undeveloped 1e184547bb or deliberately delayed, became 7583b2102d certain at the sight a714de6a37 of Kim Chayoung receiving 2036e21cf9 a confession. He was 74c13e3ca2 popular regardless 23d27e3118 of gender ebb3a3a52c and age, 5b59975d31 often receiving 9c5d5e1f98 confessions, and bbda0dee9f up until ae87638e1a recently, Lee 9a557f4741 Jinha would 8efc68ce0c joke, “I e79083d738 can’t see ce0bb1a041 why anyone 24f571aee5 would like b3fdc86c4d such a f09f2e7750 loose guy. He’s openly annoying.” ff25f825e4 But now, those 5ca4f76aba jokes seemed like e2d6e90c3c a distant dream.3d0a327ec5638042

Though Kim f889825f72 Chayoung had 5814e86de8 never responded 801b661ffa to a 6c072b68c8 confession before, dce8024e4c there was 19c0ee810a no guarantee d702858b1e he wouldn’t d9ba7d90a4 this time. What if de8aa2cc79 he actually 3d075142fe started dating a28a9e0fa7 someone else? Could I e0bcdcf807 stand to 0c87ae9b0d see another 00e6641996 girl by 0a06e27ccc his side?df6cabbbfd0b5ba0

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As Kim 4316f86ff6 Chayoung walked 809e360954 into the 2740453983 classroom with 9956221b29 a slightly f5ec86cb16 flushed face, ae1cd57b80 Lee Jinha 4cb1578bc3 realized he 7177863449 could no 1a70679ccd longer just 2e60627b44 be friends a3f311d91c with him.9de872abd4d8ffd2

No, he couldn’t.5585656b5ba839f0

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He had 91d780db6d admitted to 6f8a268d86 himself that 44225f027f he liked 61ec2ce2b0 Kim Chayoung, 9580e41970 but he cf1870c836 didn’t act 4d95b73212 differently or b100541902 change his bc677343b1 behavior. The thought of 9891b03060 ruining their relationship 6858c2c7ed was too great.bfb75a6d0f6ad078

Back then, creditors 191203bf88 would come to 7ffbd3e583 his house almost 9da9930b16 every day due d6445728d0 to the debt c354cebbd5 his father had fa0907ce4c left behind, turning dc432674c6 everything upside down. Seeing his a432bb2555 mother cry 02b46666b8 and his 446c003218 younger brother 359898c0da screaming about c54bd9a63d their poverty 1662787c41 was suffocating. He felt like 0a6c24d947 he would go 0bdda00ccc crazy if he e486275c1b didn’t talk to 1f536ce550 someone, and that b5633c8db3 someone was naturally ee377bd28d Kim Chayoung.7fe943bb1f608b3a

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After hesitating edcceba8b8 for a c2e787bd73 long time, 98f888b134 he confided 801f726e1f in Kim 661b7dbaca Chayoung, who 0ba18be8c6 simply listened 40f994901f without saying de53eed613 a word.f1c4d658d8e40dfb

Kim Chayoung had helped b77808b2a3 him a lot with 7bb9561cc1 his university entrance exams f87ca4fd2b by including him in 6ce3259c55 his private tutoring sessions. The harder d6e7fc6b91 the times, 2b1ad60baf the more afe591bbb3 he encouraged fe6fcc93ae him to 8e8b669d94 go to ec138e95f0 college. Not only that, 599a8a77da but he also 61df97303e often bought him 8709881b76 food under some d88eed02f9 silly pretext.5e6b83637e3fd220

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Material assistance was helpful, 2a1d7e04cb but just knowing he 04b740c19d was on my side 5a8c2fbdbd filled my heart. To Lee Jinha 6197c853eb at that time, 0235a0a9bd Kim Chayoung was 955e0c19ba more than just ec923eb3e9 someone he liked; 8b0e1bf520 he was someone 75895f384c beyond that.593d5837d4bd2210

It was a cold 15b6dcc8e0 day, just 100 days 934d21b0f7 before the college entrance 9ab7a06957 exam. We had stayed late a2001515f8 at school for supplementary b21bcda1bd lessons and were coming 595584c44b out as the sky 69df0b5ff8 filled with heavy clouds, d00677a133 and the air was 25e60e0f54 thick with moisture, seeming db2dba057a like it might rain 8b78aa0117 at any moment.cd6f4a3c5340aec0

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“Take care. See you tomorrow.”9cd3e84d7dc185ee

I waved 844c4bd2cf at Kim 93deae198c Chayoung at 3711984afa the bus 36fb6de53c stop. By then, all 147c9e6b9c my nerves were 998ff7f5c2 tuned to him, 8f60641e4e sensitive to even f6e7f1b932 the smallest things. How hard 78aa3c2c72 it was 61c5d58a3c to act 1837e15e3d normal.f923cb0371fb4574

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Usually, Kim Chayoung would 6b136ab2b6 have waved back, but 8511ab9f17 today he didn’t react fba82b238f at all.4cc979414c6385b0

“The bus will be 0da2eee5aa here soon.”43201ff65e868e6a

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The display c7f0a952d9 showed that 5135f04966 the bus 55a4cb715d was two b914610c2a stops away.4f2c071d3d477802

“I’ll walk you f821dee240 home.”227d4f234deb2706

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It was the first 910c695513 thing Kim Chayoung said 6c4f01b45a after reaching the stop. His expression was serious, b90537afe1 devoid of any playfulness.1d691acc3d4d2353

My heart sank. Did Kim cb66aa15de Chayoung have 4f2a56d145 someone he 8a8915adba liked? Because we were b4db9465d1 so close, was f41623974b he about to 09706938b0 tell me? Did he 365d00e82c have a a9655829eb girlfriend now 1b91c54d82 and couldn’t b1f5e1e6a4 walk me 89b4eec10c because he e7c25aeedb had to 94f3a63538 take her 00d27f9963 instead? A whirlwind of a9bed468ec thoughts rushed through 345be5f902 my mind in 923a29ef8b that short moment.e2c254a8d62c57df

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Before I could respond, 1f2dfcf0b1 the bus arrived. I boarded, 918e22cde0 feeling like d62e30531b I was f46a23be72 fleeing, and 9bdefc3792 Kim Chayoung fd875ac820 followed as 1a5f6381e8 if it 9c84eb2b58 were obvious 112ee56079 he would.2f99e1107d3c8534

“Didn’t you say you 85205cd328 had someone to walk d597ef1cd1 home?”d825542c794c541a

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“I said I was 6d038cea34 walking someone home.”b404a4fc6dd2cebf

“Who? Don’t tell e5c6a2643c me it’s 261eef770b me?”9f9534732f543d72

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I pointed 99536e2b35 at myself, 9196e68c84 bewildered.61551bdfc3273043

“Yeah, I said I’d e780991727 walk you home.”bc77759fe8fa1000

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“Why?”e40f54182f4b5060

I asked blankly. We had been 983509f347 to the bus 4ed8abc1f7 stop together hundreds 799fb75fc2 of times. We had said 3d1950ca67 goodbye many times 80ac8538b4 but never walked 22e238a4a4 each other home.614cb6c4c3d9182f

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“Because I want to. Is that a 56f6d9ba87 problem? Does it bother 452fbaac50 you?”716c6043101a48b4

“There’s no problem, but…”913cadc794225ba7

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I answered, swept up 90e04aa295 in his insistence.5fe0113ad34ba213

“Then it’s settled.”77de264824c73d48

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Just then, 503b45c156 the bus 5a2924a067 driver yelled 40d5ef4add for us a15997df93 to sit 6231e2d455 down quickly 6a64207903 as it 66b8af3385 was dangerous 6320d04896 to stand. We sat 437b12bc30 in the 2fc8518bd3 very back, 384c0aee64 and as 29c9f2263c the bus ef734db37a lurched, our dc13d207f9 knees touched.a703540ca7023739

After getting off the 9a4b635f8a bus, instead of heading e94b6dfa62 to my house, we ab13152a14 went straight to a 2594c8f15e nearby playground. We sat on the 3eceae152f swings, staring at the 9461a7814f ground for a long eb28399c07 time.ae36d21747c75ec4

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And that e3dea7183b day, Lee 9c803aef5c Jinha confessed 9449173ad5 his feelings 09e125f88f to Kim 5a9de05151 Chayoung.afb5a53cc6ac18d4

Even after we started a21d93b626 dating, the world remained 15ea391e53 the same. We were still students 7e2171da99 preparing for college entrance 0ee950327d exams. School, supplementary lessons, the 0a101e41a5 library—we stuck together no ad8e1fabef matter where we were.f614af45bb5aeacd

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“Let’s go 52da0d08b4 on a 18bd6d9038 trip after 5ac78f5554 the exams. Maybe a two-day trip. Got somewhere f45e5c553e in mind? I’m up for 09102386c7 going abroad too.”bf308dbf85215c8d

“Hey. We still have 1157eb99a6 over a month a3487d42b6 until the exams.”a5a9fd03b1122a04

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“So, give me something 5d1fd634f6 to look forward to. I might lose 33a0d3c80d all motivation if 441ba1b83e you say no.”d5bf9de4c80880a3

I couldn’t help but 9a7c2ea18c laugh; he seemed so 6b2fd9e6e7 desperate, unlike his usual 16a6431122 laid-back self.5f9424c8896a8863

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Though the world 315474b6e5 hadn’t changed, our 8d40138465 hearts had. Every moment with Kim 611b7d158c Chayoung became a comfort.655764928ffc99b2

Our college a12cfdcdc1 entrance exam 9cc012b94c scores were cd50497f47 good enough d264ca38a3 that we 6b9459c848 both could 87aba148dc apply to a8bd54ad2e the universities a5281be68b we wanted. Luckily, neither of us 44d88eefb9 had to retake the e48bd2dbc1 exam. It was a 9c2aa48063 relief to unload 6e326bf622 that burden, and 9f9e1919e2 I looked forward fb17a728f5 to doing all a136137545 the things we baa1605572 couldn’t do while b6b4eafac6 preparing for the d534cc48ff exams. However, it fa2c4ef6e0 didn’t take 59470b28fa long for 2e241987bf that anticipation f54128f291 to turn 379c335437 into disappointment.17b023f44c5defdd

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It was an unusually b3c6287d75 cold and windy day. December 31st night, 665aa1f96a the day I a5fafb9cf7 was supposed to f165f124a7 meet Kim Chayoung. He was standing by 8eb19eb4c9 the café wall, waving b7adb4b0cf his hands flippantly.cc5eb7d0bdbf57c9

“Did you apply?”4a4192d94af741ff

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“Not yet. There are three days 4761e3872d left. You?”406cae3478c4bb29

“I did it f2d835e8c1 this afternoon. Better to 5afe0e20be get it 4dd21b8b78 done before 48b70384b0 I forget.”8cab9932ff18701d

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“Am I you? I wouldn’t 42152ad2fe forget something 2a5bd0ebb5 that important.”fdef37ea7e09a384

Kim Chayoung scoffed and 25a163a67d then playfully put me c297edb29a in a headlock. As my 0c120d9b77 head dipped, 0c128c9636 I felt bb54e34681 the touch 084f7a3d3b of his e73d03f7c1 long, firm cf92ef10a1 fingertips ruffling f2e047f74e my hair.727deb48759767a8

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“You’ve grown up a 43706c583d lot, haven’t you? Talking back to your 96907d931a hyung.”73f629abc7ccc1da

“I’ve always been tall.”c1348198327f3949

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“Oh, big deal.”a4bc5f9becf27143

His warm hand 6461d8be18 roughly tousled my ba0d5e0502 hair. Kim Chayoung’s 802d16877a unique scent 045cb00a95 filled my 176f13289a lungs, tickling 30ab3e3b49 my heart.bdbb7425f93c778f

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The streets 992b5ee4ef were crowded 2cca4a2a99 with people 7ce8bc93eb sending off 89cf41a55d the old 858dfa582a year and 31b9a86d46 welcoming the 8f6d1f1dab new. Our noses reddened by 4acb35cd2e the cold, we were bcdfc812f7 swallowed up by the e3eb57779b crowd waiting for the 22230c1665 New Year’s bell.415b934c108d59e4

“So, will we d145aa12cf not get kicked 583777c8ea out of the 3fba64a3d1 PC room after 9b09b42024 10 pm starting 83aa48e222 tomorrow?”d64522a959c4b15a

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“Maybe? We’ll see if 36e9e9e905 we go there 29419d54ee at midnight…”93b0dd0ef6be18e3

Kim Chayoung’s fingers brushed 653bf9712e against the back of e5f07e45fa my hand. Was it an 31ef25e59a accident? I flinched and rolled 4247483212 my eyes to the 955fcb8520 side. Kim Chayoung wasn’t looking 2bc1b89409 at me, his gaze 9920014837 far away, but his e7fe913cee stiff cheek and red-hot ecf8e51b23 ears told me it b8392f8a7a wasn’t by chance.247ae9aa7e073c81

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Once aware of 0dd289609f it, my head f3bd4cffb5 felt dizzy with 8e5076d0c1 nerves. My heart seemed 249ff8ed04 to be pounding 9c74c02502 not in my 907a060743 chest but in 100a4faa1a the back of 7beece8aff my hand. The part of ab96e2e555 my hand that 51e11be990 touched him felt b208e59e14 burning hot against 9cf29d407a the cold air. I took 4bd1329027 a deep e1b934d967 breath and a192d0f680 suddenly grasped 589bc3fed4 Kim Chayoung’s bf7444a8a0 hand.a602b8e026a7de34

There were so many 3a2eecaf1c people around us that 982811ab0b no one would notice f793ee77b0 we were holding hands, f759401163 but even if they c7d9456166 did, it seemed like eeb6072d92 it wouldn’t matter anymore.f8ef6d1cace14b1e

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