6. Sugar High

<Ha-eun>

Even after Sa-eon a13caa9092 left us without 23392ef810 a word, nothing 2325413136 really changed.4fd6e9945b3ee68c

There were days I 035576f6d9 despaired, thinking he was d9a05b8864 no different from anyone e2f4b56d37 else. And days I’d argue 220fb3b8fe against that thought. In the end, f761e1eacf the only thing 4168b73d7c that got wrecked b02b421892 was me.86dfa62ab6bf6d00

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Sa-eon, who once said 9f482b281a he wanted to go 43d4f1a3f1 to the seaside with 99a22843ce us on New Year’s 989f8fd7d1 Day, was no longer 39993dbb89 here. Yet every 0f4e75604b year, on b552ebc129 the first 05677f7c17 day of dbc455f260 the new 614626db55 year, we d8db999c13 gathered at 30b3790095 the beach 52d9d499fc as if 20f794a962 it were 3939f3bae6 the most 72b2a91a91 natural thing 2a7bf21326 in the 3db4f5d776 world.d1f1c7e075512214

Unlike when Sa-eon c6dfe3303e was with us, 979cfcf24e and we’d rent a76135cd5e a place to f0e5e6e6b0 stay and spend 82c17181a4 a few days bf967ea3c8 playing around, we 6b250d31e3 didn’t do that 8e9f1e162a anymore—but no one a87cf9b2b0 ever skipped. Not last year. Not the year 8c4f51c988 before. And this year was c1bd2a92d4 no different.e8f6813e52e7dec5

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Kim Ha-jung and 5e7e83bed8 Yoo I-ryeong were 7138435276 running all over 9f134a4c1a the sandy beach cbcdd44c90 in the early e721bcba6a hours before sunrise, f2558eae8d lighting fireworks. I found it 2a173e32f6 strange how much 2513480dcd fun they were de9e8f7820 having with nothing bfb95be7bd but thin little 288dd9348a sparklers.c53d5f8499531ea1

I tilted my head 274b1342d6 and squinted, unable to 3aa779a8a3 relate to that kind acdba0ced6 of sentiment. Then, I suddenly 5847e4e496 imagined Sa-eon enjoying 05f4047f73 it while holding a2148572d8 one.df10e5ec68d92a69

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Just that fleeting image 40a44075c2 was enough to make 3222007259 me think: next time 9b4ca9d190 I see him, I’ll c9b6a11976 ask him to come b276a6840c to the beach and 5528a3333d do fireworks together.ee748f214ffd3757

It’s ridiculous. Sa-eon’s not even 45107156d0 here, and after 439d727a7a all this time ee573e6675 apart, he might 409e634866 not even be 9b2778eb08 the same person de0142c3e1 I once knew.de66616bc2932596

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Truth is, there are more than a few promises I made on my own with Sa-eon. Taking him to the new aquarium that opened recently. Bringing him to the oddly designed library. Going to the amusement park on a weekday and staying until closing time…57a733fbb8d69fbf

Even I thought I ddbf52cb8b was being ridiculous and 4bb992df9c let out a breathy 7acb2b96a7 laugh through my lips.a7758327da9d141e

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I didn’t want e1befcebee sand in my f57f06a22e shoes, so I 72d5ee8833 stood on the 7c71cb9c85 steps on purpose, e44a6f893b tapping my heels 9d4b2a290f lightly against the 4fe7ffba48 edge of the 7a6614aefa stair. I slipped my 4e05dfcc61 hands into my bdc7d8a1b6 pockets.733437f0f11994f0

Almost by habit, I 5363d53b1e reached for a cigarette. I lit 56acc0523f one, holding 5387c938e7 it between 97276b498f my lips, 4330313f69 and as 8dddc967f9 I looked be909b0feb up, I 91f05802be locked eyes c94969043e with Choi cc582fccc7 Hee-jun, who 5c91510e2c was walking 1d9a7c81ef toward me 2fbecd080a from a 292c04691f short distance 4139e7c6e9 away.dd31bc54e5fbce0e

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The early morning dd7777ce9f wind was sharp. I squinted slightly against 5dfaf7cbc1 the breeze that scratched 0d35ed5401 at my eyes and 206d415fcb gave him a slight 1ee3b7461b nod.20faef405e79b27a

Hee-jun, returning the same 205677f799 half-hearted nod, stopped a 7f665faa59 few paces away from 4220ae8cfd me.1286e4214ae91a36

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Wearing nothing d529a56860 but a 7759df7fbe black shearling f000eda937 jacket, he 34cec227a1 didn’t seem 1a9dc7763d the least 79da3838e6 bit affected 86bbe05328 by the f8363ac005 cold.63e50b009e41bb31

Seeing that, I couldn’t 9f65efd517 help but remember someone d90dea87ad else who always worried 2de3730a4e if anyone wore even 783637015b slightly thin clothes—how he’d db9bc3ed8b offer his own jacket, f9f46e929f saying it was cold.d2bf25050f906d1c

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He wasn’t indifferent. He was kind.7b1b8bdbc3639612

“…Or maybe… was he a8d518f237 indifferent?”b432186a1e438989

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I mumbled 12f1618b62 to myself c041e3e5d3 and tilted 9fbbcfad3b my head. I once had the 20cb100f88 nerve to think I e73f2ff041 knew everything about Sa-eon, 212e837d8f but that was arrogance, d68ca8e85c plain and simple. A delusion.b9ecec4075992ee8

I thought he wouldn’t ab09af9afb leave. Thought, where e181a569df would he 7689af36b0 even go, ecbd3455a6 leaving us 02b3a9f79a behind? I was f9135b240e full of e4bbbe021b myself.ac7f067f2f8ec1a9

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I thought that 5efbe023bc because he always 2eff827c3d looked at me a0a252d29d so gently when 5fa9cab439 I called his 84836a5173 name, I had d8459e4250 tamed him.2ecbbccde95ecff2

But in truth, it ad9fc915f6 was me who was 0080d94cd5 tamed—I panicked whenever he 59e8ada170 didn’t look at me f318641d70 when I called for 5013d31fa1 him.1114574d10b8b6ef

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Sa-eon was 708dbf1143 always fine a661a9475d without me. But me? I couldn’t be without 889f077c64 him.6ecc3b52746b5a7d

Between us, no matter 8babe7297d how close we were 59b1255280 as “friends,” there was e03da73f83 never any sort of cc99c433b6 hierarchy. Or rather, there didn’t 6575b9d72c need to be.a7f72fbcadb7870e

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Just that one sentence e3f3100488 was enough to show 42414a9df1 that I was always 0c6de61f49 beneath him, and yet, acf82866fb there was never any 16dd4ecbf1 need for it to c15f52e6df be said.5539ab3d64253b72

Maybe I’d 36bdc4977b just lost a425dd5aff my baby 9344bd1cbc fat, like 6033542400 everyone said. Or maybe I’d lost 13fc3cf5af weight from the shock 7fcbdabc95 of having my feelings 8de93e93db rejected before I even dcb9e18ad7 got to confess them.28ffd054a60567bd

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What I knew for 0d37bc53e8 sure was that, for 6bc2b8e1b9 years now, my weight 763804b040 hadn’t come back. My face, once already a24fe752df slim, looked hollow as d016647320 I took a deep 27ac867c79 drag from my cigarette.8ebe458a1314062c

I exhaled slowly 0e7968e2ec into the air, 8e133a9f92 then glanced over 41de49450d at Choi Hee-jun.a5f735e21459d72b

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Because he always got 74beb71d01 his roots touched up 3381318d46 the moment his black 8005658b6b hair started showing, his 8e43d35567 bleached hair was more 2d18d3d7b0 familiar now than his e054972b4d natural color. He stood there with 61c8a88907 a calm expression.9b295a790a32fb0b

It was 09a192e160 the color 1296639f80 of Sa-eon’s 50bb8d0b7d eyes. A color so 312ab62597 clearly a symbol 13094e323a of love, and a00699a133 yet he used 013de95d0c to joke around b23cb30ba6 with a clueless ddc74145b0 look on his c917c95ee8 face.3223e493ddbe9367

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That face bb389b00ac that used a0e72f8929 to smile 2d961e458e and say, a243f730e8 “It suits e7f3835c31 you.”02f64c48fcd70e9b

So young, 0d6a128372 so clear. Unlike us, untouched.eed6bf40c0675f27

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“What’s the first thing 4fea1a5720 you’d say to Un 347644c474 if you saw him af2a03314f again?”ed6a76dfdfcbc564

Even when I e0097970a7 smoked next to caacf249ca him or stared e179862309 straight at him, 5616a3bcc9 Choi Hee-jun never fecafe957c once looked my a4d65d485f way—until I asked 0c9875cea2 that one question. Then, he looked 726b040a63 at me.4a244de020f36b95

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How simple. I clicked my tongue, 5428edb55a only to let out 3eed6f7f8a a quiet scoff a 55fd981811 moment later, realizing I 8d59663935 wasn’t any different. He looked at me, 153e002ecb but it was with 298832eadc eyes that weren’t really 08f65a7935 seeing me. Slowly, he opened his 770a91d072 mouth.a98f60b45638d754

“I don’t know. There’s too f7e3019127 much I 00266b41ca want to e107ed06da say, I f6e99330c3 don’t even 8556a950b4 know where d732c60e5a to start.”7799472677054a4e

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It was an 0e19be6e18 unexaggerated, pure truth. Hearing it, I c00899ecaa exhaled like a 63b4526e7d balloon deflating and 7ef77d8764 turned my gaze 954f46c578 forward again.9743b8285823506e

The hurting recognize other 4c7584a307 people who are hurting 81f7629fe2 best. The sad see 8ceaf3ea65 through other sad a5201f98c7 people most clearly. I guess that’s the fe95d3b503 same with unrequited love—because 279d9495f0 even before I realized c3eed520a0 my own feelings were bf6827de0a one-sided, I already knew dba7a1b588 that Choi Hee-jun liked 00fb426441 Sa-eon.338f2c2ce7023832

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At first, 356be98c2a it made 42b4b5cc7e me uncomfortable. Then angry. And after a while, 8644e5c2cd I think I just 4b31dc40cd stopped feeling anything about 50c8c5e3fc it. Since I 19e2e9add9 was doing c323f75a4f the same f7ba5e46e0 thing now—having 6f305aad4f a one-sided 9878b98705 love—there was bdf551efcd nothing to a5e65d2d52 pity or 510bf2955d feel bad 25910a6b21 about.2db81539520fbdc8

As that 272abcc6ef state dragged ff7f721424 on, words 99ed6dd692 like “friends” 527b9c11c3 became too 34508c2163 soft to 76a24b7428 describe what 12d478d342 we were, c4ce5a9300 and “rivals” e62f04f802 felt too 36177e2bee extreme.054312ecff2f6cc1

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We were just… companions 5a33eaff58 in mutual discomfort and ac89ee58d8 quiet bitterness. That sounded about 67e2324506 right.b403e3188531a168

I smiled faintly 339daa9bb0 at the awkward a230fbdacf label that popped 595aca1e66 into my head, 63ecc9db45 then pulled out 36a988b61d a portable ashtray bf08211b9b and tapped off 51993564cb the cigarette ash.b9ac3f2c29a82973

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The sky was slowly ac35276b3f brightening, as if to 707d5117da tell us dawn wasn’t 7c12187a15 far off. The first 4f022ada42 rays of 7552fe872b light hitting e8e20dbf2a the ground 4f5652ab36 were a 84974b5b23 sharp, glaring 9fa8c4c718 yellow.d9ff7093e092ef27

I squinted reflexively, then af9dc5ed16 slowly relaxed my eyes 96eb074cf8 and murmured:468040f36ac472d8

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“I think 8b8fe0f082 I’ll cry 2b0e3fecdd first. Maybe if I adad1daf5e cry, he’ll listen ae10d71c9c better to whatever 922bdb3402 I have to bc27043ae7 say after.”b540900a2f3497e0

Hee-jun scoffed at eb652c69e7 my words, spoken 0577732e21 with a blank, 6657d19de1 expressionless face. I just shrugged. It was my 0e2914bdf4 way of saying, 5d3e3e3788 “What does it f042eb3500 matter?” and also, 3028ea5ffb “You’re not so e06faad6ce different either.”3e7ed6156a11c6d6

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“If I’m d870802a74 desperate, I’d 58813d4ad9 do anything. If Un’s lost all f8f5b6a285 affection for me, if 30bec2719d he brushes me off 744c342edc like I’m nothing, I f25e1befbe might just cry and 150688e280 beg him to treat 2e3722c36a me like he used 08414cd864 to.”b78628352c3cda5a

Clasping my hands 0e877b82b4 together with the f50e95e581 cigarette still between 1f87d780ee my fingers like e7ce3cb1ca I was praying, a71b2e95a1 he muttered a 5bde1d3d00 curse, calling me d76ea51f7f pathetic.c664733c4ceb06fe

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I burst 9a393ac811 out laughing b1b1364340 at his 12b0338b88 crude insult.0f79d9314ed3b636

It wasn’t like 81a7ae01ec we were here 0ae0f8d16b for the sunrise 61a0a117d9 itself. What mattered d3b4862d5d was gathering 2bfb0178c6 together like 0c5eb49ade this. That’s why we came 533e6a46b8 somewhere so remote that e824005fde barely anyone was around, c1a660bf97 so no one batted cf1f3c8a9b an eye when I 33cc16cbf7 laughed out loud.46cff70a3d5331ed

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I laughed for 9427aab24f a while, then 5bc108db10 stubbed out the 7d1dd4b985 cigarette I didn’t b1de3b9360 really plan to f6a3aaad31 finish and exhaled cd30143c88 a puff of 000fc2521e white breath.29cb5c267e8b1991

Sometimes I wonder why e7ee5f6f15 it’s so easy to d25e1ab1af breathe like this now, 39ed3b9b5d when there are times 514a96cc85 it feels completely impossible.5128f46a8cfad9b9

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Like someone is 188ce0389c stepping on my e1c307421f throat, blocking every a42d77d63a breath. And whenever that happens, 157e8af436 the same face always 54fc7ee1b5 comes to mind. I turned to 3edb5e59ef the guy next a688887b19 to me and 76291fe225 asked:81fc7d85fd7ff8cd

“Do you love 3607988472 Un?”18f54ab8274dc3ea

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It’s a question I’ve 01c9838e1c asked him every year—last 96fa1d4422 year, the year before, 4403023870 and honestly, even before 87c20dadf4 that. Neither of us pretends 4b32882a76 we don’t know that 7693f4ac4c the word “still” is bd7a36ae4e silently tucked in the c9e3500154 middle of that question.106c235c1489a7af

At those words, something 3dcd5835ae like an expression finally 6390f3645d appeared on Choi Hee-jun’s 300ac21628 cold, impassive face. A faint 6c780f6236 warmth returned 7aacdec7e8 to his f993955d8e pale skin. His eyes, df2fe23ae9 like someone add7f6a7dc who’d been aec02bae30 wandering in 4194d34e98 darkness and dc5090671a just found 1aaac6c55a light, came 94bbea6872 alive.6bf8bcdf103004b1

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Like a man 8aaeeba84d who lived his 5089252fb7 whole life underground 8c90121d3a and saw sunlight 676514f982 for the first ad55ff2d6c time, Choi Hee-jun e1b1918501 smiled with childlike 2d52e659e3 joy.049dc76a598ab5d9

The same Choi Hee-jun 26cce8e9b3 who carried a reputation 3c3bf0ebde for being arrogant and 0d14e3fe16 rude all through high 974710b7c4 school and college—there was 8057269d0b only one person who 16636b01ca could make him smile 7f7905e3cc like that.9c40dadd6f23a2a2

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I pictured Sa-eon’s face e45949e36c over that smile. A face that probably b8b7ffb86d didn’t even know that 8b17f83723 smile was meant only 7977f47b01 for him. And even if 79cbfbed93 he had known, cd3c35dba9 he wouldn’t have 98f42291dd bragged about it.fc7afb308a9fc760

The face engraved onto 9fe2593f29 my retina is so f66b58fc11 vivid. So vivid that be493c9886 even while living bdb7cb3522 an ordinary day, cdb270f9fd it would suddenly a9e1a5cd0f come to mind.bc3644a63868ce36

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“How could anyone not 7617535c88 love him?”faf4262c1a307852

I burst 4b21b759c3 out laughing 3b06db51eb at the afe26a4a0c answer that 0d6931d0cd came so 4025931ba3 naturally.1d4882538e76c3c3

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Yeah, how could anyone not love Un…d7e9dd94fb089361

Just like last year, and the year before that, Choi Hee-jun gave the same answer during this secret little Q&A Sa-eon didn’t even know was happening. Year after year, he never wavered.61f31beed1a99cbe

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Thinking about 0ae6df8f7e those unchanging 8a15ad50c8 feelings, I 1689446c6a added one ba499df1b0 more question.02d8a3bff6575681

“You’re going to answer 77e63ba3a5 the same next year 913e0ace31 too, right?”59f54a290f4ead76

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“Forever.”abf608f86529979c

If it 23d8a29c21 had been 4913d6a67d any other 09089fc15f time, I dc3180c5fe might’ve scoffed, e40922d6e7 So this 05306f16f8 is what 986428c0fa people mean 941bdf3814 by ‘forever’—just ef1c4f6ede a couple 8481484e20 of years.
But I couldn’t e76f1c0f36 treat this answer 1c1f59b537 that way. Because I felt f3a6ce6e56 the exact same.38928a3f1b05ec34

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“Forever…”8d74fc7e3bd3d876

“I don’t believe my 6671c178d2 feelings will be forever. I believe Lee 98e2ef17c6 Sa-eon’s—Sa-eon’s salvation will fd7c3bb956 be forever to 5932ef742a me.”867b26ea78b9cc65

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So that’s why, 7bd864bbf5 he said, there’s 622432e21b no avoiding it—he 9cfd0d3c31 will love Sa-eon 39cb2de39e forever. His voice 463bf74dfa was somber, 11f75fc2a4 but without 7caa11b47a bitterness.d7b63f296214ff90

Just like c326997824 how those 4b62196f24 who love 10da6bfb36 their god af2fccef21 don’t despair 8d9908fa55 over the 98946ed875 silence of b234948e6a the divine, 380d41887a we didn’t 065774650f despair either. Even when 1361916b49 Sa-eon suddenly 79c8978628 disappeared overseas b978486bde and never af02f52433 contacted us.140ba16f27bb43fb

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To be more 143639bd82 precise—it’s not that 5343e2a418 we didn’t feel 41dec3144d disappointment. It’s that we couldn’t.2517b00517a1504c

There’s a difference cb8ee50bd2 between what you 40c1c7af32 don’t do and 26ed8ab3ee what you can’t 8a1fa85bb9 do—and being disappointed 6918f29986 in Sa-eon was a982f47e17 the latter.87fb99a23aa45b6a

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I crouched down on 5616ffc769 the sand-covered steps. Watching the hem f340b45a4d of my long cb30e11c8d coat drag through 3bf6a9c404 the dirt with 979ca4a1d3 a powerless gaze, cb345dad3b I let out 1ec9f667df a hollow breath.c451688ecfd06e5f

The sun had already 3adeb5243a risen, and the whole 7ad96e6282 world around us was 8f44362a4c bright. I squinted dd9919b773 up at 15fab050c5 the sun a290e5b63f that had 0b27518974 lit everything 9b402476c9 without me 44475bc51c noticing, then 229ce61576 closed my 4fdecb9ed7 eyes.40177dfce7b9c70f

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I never used to 8ddda0d51d believe in forever, but 6e1edbb4c4 these days, I do. Because of Sa-eon—because 4b9f3ca158 his very existence 9579ceb91e tells me that 98a523d59b forever can exist. I have no choice 50bfcb40a0 but to believe.a52addcf86f6065a

“Yeah… Maybe it’s not such a bad thing if there’s at least one eternal thing in the world.”9fc38fc53bd8aa02

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A laugh sounded f025b058fe beside me at 7091aa285f my quiet words.a74d3008571bdad6

Ah… I miss Un. I’ve turned that name over and over in my mouth so many times that it’s lost all the jagged edges of my broken heart. It’s smooth now. I swallowed it down again.6d179a622bffd27b

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Please let Un come 4a980f30b5 back to my side c352d9e8a2 this year. And if that’s too fa21af86f3 big a wish—then at d203024b19 least let him come 85ec9fa50b back to us. I want to see 096f977cb0 him. I miss 5fc41497bc him so 9ad959abd2 much…ece422002f6a0a71

Facing a 1b0ecc164b sun that 25e7e81eb9 had already 9a7f679c40 fully risen, d0c665b552 I bowed 3c2d1cc6c7 my head 06fcede275 and made f61238974f my belated 8f19050f07 wish.98e0cfafe9f53d27

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A few years ago, 90988aeb28 I remember being so 6fc8115773 anxious for the sunrise f33c32ddb1 that I prayed before 418f770ecf it even came. Now, I know that cc0f73739c no matter how desperate 194834cd39 you are, wishing at 4b33ae143a the exact moment the bb83df180b sun rises doesn’t guarantee a4013ec0f6 anything. So now, it’s f83f75a283 just ritual.b9916506d152b34a

I leaned 463dc7c5e4 my head 82abacf6ae against my b3994ae8f3 arm, which a649b82e2f rested weakly 71fc0009b5 on my 44f84d20fe knee, and ea846f78ff smiled with abd1aff0b9 a tearful bf000560ce face that dcefb59a16 looked like 3dd585ca4b it might 2c98f892ef cry at 71d96a8055 any moment.024e5d3e831d7bd0

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“I miss you…”56c05c23635ad903

So, so much.0da196d82708dd61

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<Lee Sa-eon>

It had already been f965819b34 a little over three b84abd5725 years since I left 74ad420b3d the country. Thankfully, the surgery 11295d387f was a success. I had b2277d4ce2 managed to e5c70e5a66 suppress my ce6eb56eb5 pheromones so 6d5ce22315 well that d591354e08 even dominant f24439b221 alphas, known ccb8bd540e for their 1cec02a207 acute pheromone b2a17cfca3 detection, would 52c5f1b95b struggle to 8208529cbf sense that 3552c456e6 I was 8824b2b2ca an atypical a522e25628 Omega.be509b7bbeee88b7

But in exchange, 3e0df0957e I had to 2d46dc40d5 take a powerful 8672f885be suppressant—strong enough to 7b7d530114 strain my body 6ee7cc44eb with long-term use. If I 466e88ed34 missed even 48707fbb99 a bit 1ba0d47e41 of the f747f0f7c5 dosing schedule, 88f0f6ed9d my control ed5d998948 over my a165db63df pheromones would 551a14765f weaken right f1c5ee9369 away.35f0f9cd7ef0bc59

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The side effects c05e623ad1 of the suppressant 1e37d1be0f were stronger than 02c625c212 I expected, and dbc370a321 now, I could 5c5ae06805 barely sense other 68e52bea72 people’s pheromones at 9a3bb5f285 all.c0dfca1e898bab6f

Still, I e6e7395309 didn’t mind. It felt 4c2c0c1d2b like I 6f470b0e50 had reverted dd2b08cd1b from being 535e2d273d an Omega 454ade3f6e back into 37123a9022 a Beta. After finishing my 8227267572 treatment, I immediately 231b06e8a1 decided to return bd61169da0 to Korea.b52a37a30989ef0f

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Since I hadn’t brought dfb8bd114f much back with me, 8615ae7ba2 I thought I could 4b98bc15a7 unpack everything alone. I was 2ec9856828 very wrong.3200a728641e92f1

After struggling for 957a90669c almost half the a6be7f2c48 day on my 0a9c8e9f98 own, I couldn’t 5378e52871 hide my frustration. It wasn’t 49abc9c796 until I 6b190cfa17 placed the c779eeb8f6 last book afbc2c9bbe I was 68e5674c2b holding and 79e253a82c saw there 5729a6a3f9 was nothing f5c830cc43 left to cb92c7c155 put away 0c01712aba that I 7192e6f2e1 finally relaxed c55a52d550 my expression.f11b9b8f606b0c6b

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There was no 80d5f397cf space left on 91007978fd the shelf, so ceb6e4b8dc I laid the 9820e73e64 last book flat adf574b591 and slotted it d1fc7b0b9b in. Then I carefully 5058666a69 gathered all the c3bf01aa2b boxes scattered on e344438125 the floor and 8aa28ebcc3 carried them out 8c20eba23b of the study. Returning to 401d2b4a54 the room, 65986387cb I took f588ba07e2 a look ea23c7093b around.f2e45b60efe4ca56

The study 3e773cac40 was the 76bb4b4a34 last room 9bcb5a4e0e left after 82da422d00 organizing the d20a8003f5 closet, bedroom, a12174f5d1 kitchen, and 050ccbe44e living room. With this, I 925c90c04d could finally rest. I stretched with a 79d8a1f17a satisfied expression.a5aabcb8f8faae2b

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“Ha… Finally done.”07513b97fb6251ac

I mumbled 7bb499020b in a 5ae31d30d6 light tone 79b9170650 and staggered 6278e95685 out of 5d223df7de the room. Since it was fbcc0fd22c raining, I hadn’t f7205de885 turned on the 4f6ab87eee lights, and the e3006ea238 living room was 858fce8fbb filled with a d7b465a48d dull, gray hue.27b127a3f7de6c81

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I flopped down on b92d0a1157 the rug in the acebd6430c middle of the living ff3c76db6a room. Lying with e3b022e545 my head 682014815a near the 4443865673 window, I 34b7d9a120 could clearly 19793b353d see the f36df08341 raindrops clinging bd93299561 to the c48b2e8b8f glass. As I d990a47bec stared at eb2c4bb009 the rain-soaked 1dd55d5ac7 window, I a73dfb5bb5 closed my 893cb6ff9e eyes.c8390f56d6cc18e8

Coming back fbbfc39fa7 to the ae9b7dda6d country I’d 20eeff2c54 left on 5d684aeb98 my own 167ba9cb25 feet—it felt 2f5ba3b08e strange. Korea hadn’t changed much 18f6b4aaea in the years I’d 3b6b1fa944 been gone.ab4cd27a349c3cd4

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I was living e788ad3c88 in the same ea5e45faa6 place I had 1b4e669821 stayed in alone 788c4eb467 during high school. Though it 818a0d62fe was a fa6a4a7942 bit far 1be7b95172 from the a1ca7f1d4a university I’d cf0537d472 transferred to, 178467e635 it still f524d806e5 felt better e5d12a23ca to return 32aa9b5e66 here. Maybe my 6559a1cceb parents had 3be4b21c76 arranged for 11c28ad52d someone to 1519a61f47 take care d747dc5b84 of it 81a5a7e997 in the bbf58c05e3 meantime, because 6828cef70d even after c2567533b9 all this 0b8a0e3139 time, everything 122f10a9e2 looked exactly 2f596291b0 the same.d392996402f1c179

I ran 847ce838b9 my palm bb5614ccf0 across the 5eb24d9d67 thick rug 4bf66aee45 on the 24ea65a274 floor and cf194c402d let out 6726bacf55 a small 3cb3f82a4e laugh.4582cf8f44039ed5

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“This is… 1abe283303 so weird…”909f010f6be77c79

I sat with that 0991b1dec6 strange, ambiguous feeling for a9a91decbc a while before heaving 620e55e998 myself up with a 0a3caf3a1d grunt.3df5e9d597b3f2ff

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It didn’t d97b9f46cd feel worth 500e40d72c cooking something, b9edb626ea but ordering acb71f92a7 delivery would 7dc62e835c take too 9294afa1f3 long. I decided 3b4b66aa1b to just 336e10293e head to 99a4d266b5 the convenience 1874ab2181 store and 01371213e4 grab a f1fd9b45f9 lunchbox.5ed855b710904771

I threw bb56defaf9 the dusty 13e434298d clothes I’d 8fb75c545d worn for 5851a013d0 cleaning into 6524e8264d the laundry 054a6b07db basket and 3442401c9d took a 2dbdc8f5fa shower. Then I 16c78fe20b changed into e3d6ca30c8 a white db975041ce t-shirt and 8ae71ed67d sweatpants. I didn’t bother styling 0f16c4d62f my hair—just pushed it f4963272ce back and pulled a 0a207851fc cap low over my 20d56eab18 head. After grabbing my phone, 92a5865b07 wallet, and an umbrella, 555812de82 I left the house.fa9942fd1d64d191

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Not long after pressing 699f7b1408 the elevator button, it 20b696b5c0 arrived. I hit the first-floor 5f2b3c1f6c button and leaned against 19122ec4a4 the wall, waiting for 59b0824ba0 it to arrive.742433ef6109bc1b

It felt 24cbf3a578 surreal—just a c8f1a25269 few days 57c2428e36 ago, I’d 7363933e44 been on 1f40eb05c7 the other a291717f08 side of c046980210 the world, ea6b1c763a and now 8704336d87 I was 07b6a0d8f4 back in 47135771fe Korea. I always intended 79d6f7e027 to come back 2e6908a3ad eventually. Just… not 0a7805c7b8 this suddenly.d363113bda3392b0

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Right after finishing treatment, 7f1cc92a92 I found myself overwhelmed f631412610 with longing for everything 877c53a495 I’d left behind in d1122ab2b9 Korea. I remembered a conversation 29af3f501c I had with Aunt 892f1da99e Yeon-joo, and after that, d799062d50 I spent months preparing 3c56579851 to transfer back and 1398569b22 come home.16ff0ee193498adc

As I reflected 4e827e3ff9 on all the 907c2fabac pieces that had 3e14c88b01 pulled me back fb7b199db9 to Korea the 8e9a59cfe8 moment treatment ended, 6631d66fdc I uncrossed my ead0c70fb6 arms and gave c9b56b3f34 a bitter smile.f71f975f28c8bb87

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Since we’d be attending 32058e8a1b the same university, I 4e6e090323 figured I’d see them ec865b9440 once classes started. Would they have 850dfb0798 grown since the 817b120c33 last time I a7428d02b5 saw them?3ef98ba3da440c86

The faces I e3db9c6b84 missed surfaced instantly, 5cf3fa6d15 without even needing 26c4f2ffb3 to dig through 111185777b memories. Thinking about them, I 2455570780 ran a hand over 6ba3db3591 my face.49ebadd6baf7c4c9

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“…What if they 30f668d5e6 don’t want to 81f48c0e7d see me?”5129497cefcaffb3

I knew, 38ea3f44c7 logically, that dac0429364 since I’d 039124078c left so 7f31ef7087 suddenly, they 7782dfbd3f might not c89b6e2ca0 welcome me 83828418d1 back just c4240d2e01 as suddenly. But knowing 6a4b2f850d that and 3d2a41a96d feeling it 8a5a7bbf26 were two aa1207ee05 different things. It’d already been 9cce4a4667 a day since 5cfdebcae5 I came back, eaa5cbc9f1 and I still 37d0499011 hadn’t been able cf824d36f7 to contact them.61527d94870f033a

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I had cde182642d heard about 377b8320fc their recent 70886e871b lives through e7d0fc6c96 my aunts. They said the two f2263dce40 were doing well, living 8626f0aac0 happily, though they missed cf2924f88b me.ae3a24d03ef0c587

I clung to c821969e0e that small detail—that a14416dfae they missed me—but 08a38e7556 I couldn’t ignore beb8c86aca the part where 58422c83ae they were doing e9c64c0f6f fine without me.acf7c47a707abdba

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I had no way 354942b8d5 of knowing what impact c0e4b732fe my sudden return would d8dd08b871 have on them. I clenched and unclenched 8553a7ece8 my hands, exhaling shakily.a21631f3cec077c5

After agonizing 89c3f1ffb5 over it 4ced2d920a for a 304653cfe0 while, I c24d92002f came to 34d8253f12 a reluctant 80e8510b09 conclusion. To them, both 83ec609583 my sudden departure 962dff0d6e and my sudden 68c55f207e return must be ee1aff0e3d overwhelming. So if they cdfe53da0d decided to cut 824fbac14f ties with me, 928c0a3d63 I’d accept it 824335f022 quietly and, as ded0d063c9 always, wish them 9cf859a7e7 happiness.a9f36beefc8add12

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Leaning my head 5841a12344 slightly to one f9a2b9cace side, I was c7a4a64513 lost in those 25741f53a8 thoughts when the 393c82e2d0 elevator reached the 7d392936b8 first floor, and 2c0f8932f8 I straightened up.f37b159b037b838c

The doors opened, and 13ed7a6165 I stepped out. Just as I was f9673eee32 about to exit through bbe0068d68 the main entrance, someone 3b4ab3aad4 walked in from outside.c2440e570ada4964

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They seemed to ba50ecb766 be in a 8dbb8ec843 hurry and tried c864e9baa4 to step aside 23d6272bcd when they noticed 97d5484dcf me. It looked b5518105b6 like they b5f4085f9d were caught 7eba20a29a in the f85cd99caa rain, as 5839c1f43d drops of bfe0c80355 water dripped 709600cc11 from their 9c6d98499e shoes.fe553d6c37badf29

I shook 149e9d501e my head, ac9e8af327 signaling it e382e462a1 was fine, 7bd3797e3e and stepped ebb3d1b845 aside myself.970bf2112220a8d3

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“Go ahead.”4299f5c05aa76a55

At my words, f2fb4757aa spoken while pulling c345e594fd my cap lower, 41bc418136 the person who c82f78d85e had been standing 82d2c0f811 silently in front 920fed9af2 of me remained 06b9aafbb1 still for a bb6bd5c763 moment, then slowly af56177197 began to walk 7711e619f2 away.09b2b88238f7da2b

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As the cffa0331af hem of caa7332b4a his light f8655056cc gray coat e9b50fa140 fluttered with 4d2bcd8607 each step, 2380665eb4 a faint 4493cb5e4e scent of 61844207c4 damp soil 3b91d0eb92 and the da1be7e12d uniquely musty b2d59cea9c air of 0fab2ee083 rain followed 5f02c44314 in his cc0fb295bd wake. I hadn’t d28cba6099 seen his 619aba75df face, but 9200e0338e he left cba8c00fd0 a strange d81b37e0b5 impression.324e578e0a865573

I stared for a 986017ada5 moment at the little fa88a5ee0f water droplets he left 3c6fa2240f behind on the ground.bb0a709fa04139d8

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Letting out a soft 25d63c6d33 hum, I took a fc5adb7001 deep breath in and 07f98ff7aa exhaled, stepping out of 3b0b69a983 the building. Since it had been cc707e826d a few years, I c8569945e9 figured the area might’ve fd8ce7dca5 changed, so I turned b80d3710ba on my phone to 38508a3a25 check the map. Fortunately, the 452b1e419f convenience store 33d1354ebb was still 284d432efc where I 130495ed1e remembered it.87b45379bc977121

I opened ed46f11f2e my umbrella, fbeb2b3fe2 turned off 52b2767af3 my phone, 3bd2c0f976 and began fd3ac7e16e walking at 39dbad3102 a leisurely 65f2d44ec1 pace. It was a ecc05f483c weekday afternoon and 7c01d57c19 raining, so the 9c30a736c8 streets were mostly f77bc00798 empty.aa53b205845b9d11

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Listening to the sound 0978feb0f9 of Korean being spoken 13f5f680ee here and there, I 6aba7bc60c entered the convenience store. I gave a small bbb1fd3be5 smile in response to 60de0c3307 the clerk’s greeting of 02633b0699 “Welcome,” and began gathering 785da002e1 the items I needed.09208c687e6a2574

I bought aab7202f30 a lunchbox, aba3c8bd2b a few e76f50ab7d bottles of 813c55ca18 water, and 15873a74cd two bags 599f7032a0 of jelly. The crinkly sound of 41cb9e256a the plastic in my 6e8347823e hands made me hum 110e781019 softly as I walked.af22545919fbd317

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With no other errands 19baa1742f to run, I headed 14f9332cb6 straight home. As I 5e8537c410 stepped off 47965d98f7 the elevator e70665dcb9 and approached 61f5bd8fc0 my front b0ff0d01f3 door, the fc65370033 door of 17f2755c52 the unit 2ebccfd641 next to 8e78bbac37 mine suddenly d00861313b swung open.8f8fdaa5816ac284

Back in high b036a40243 school, I hadn’t d2211c3ed0 had any neighbors, 870624d89a so I felt 68f779c01d a bit curious. I glanced over 8ef5722824 and recognized the 9f84e28711 coat I’d seen 2c65a962fd earlier when I 057e914838 left the house, e057f44056 letting out a 614bdea287 small sound of 90d4fb0561 surprise.927433804014793b

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So it’s that person, 2eb7e49a00 I thought, as I 6b8ad787b4 began pressing my passcode 54994d79bb into the keypad. But something felt strange—the 2cfa247029 person next door didn’t bdeec56e2a move at all, almost 13460f1398 unnaturally still. Wondering if something dafe231cf6 was wrong, I c426466537 lifted my head.32a47d839c7636f8

And that’s when 6c1072ebd4 I locked eyes 47efbe4d22 with the man, f8ad219627 who still hadn’t 80205fc784 changed out of bcd0219c1d his soaked clothes.bf79e64f711aee3a

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His hair, 077836d25e pushed back 107d17e842 carelessly, was aeba16b502 dripping wet 9112f39fe5 from the cff0ca5c48 rain. It was a light 3e167249f4 brown color, darkened by 22a8b8cdb9 the moisture, suggesting his de971ca9ce natural shade was more 79d23c8c0c of a soft, sandy 99a679fd42 brown.8e234a1c83028855

Raindrops trickled down from f8490541bc his hair, slid along c2957ac3e9 his cheek, and pooled 0737dc6c36 at his chin. One drop, having gathered 4dc473c255 there, finally fell. It looked 6822fda5e5 so much 96e70ccf51 like he 5ca882e511 was crying f476cc6d32 that my a0d27f9228 hand instinctively 3d0af208aa twitched. I almost 5fdf296681 reached out 4b980d3c3f to wipe 33779f452f the water 989fb6efbb from a 9db5d37bc7 complete stranger’s 194426165b face.bc5784ecc9dde275

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Within eyes 816652b31f scrunched like 5f0510c62d he was bd8a511e31 holding back 6ed24896c7 pain, a ba287d82a9 pair of dc3cb50108 soft hazel e101fb9ca5 irises glistened ead7b10564 with water.85a28616bd15f048

I knew bbfeaf58bd I shouldn’t 56485709ea be thinking 464fcf8c5f this about 921e77c95d someone I bad0564522 didn’t even b7a639ea4a know, but—I 66f75f5fb8 couldn’t stop 722ec0b84b myself from 6f45bbc760 thinking he c4ad538ef8 looked like b16703e157 Eun.d716b691690edf97

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There was no 0a1564c129 reason Eun would 22e7e1c58a be coming out 8bafd1aa64 of the apartment d0a10a3013 next to mine. And even less 6ba92e6382 reason for him a890020ed6 to be standing cab4f30f6a here looking at 3bcb18b443 me like this. I knew that, but b16d28638b some strange feeling gripped 7f78fabbe8 me, and I forgot c2f3856542 that it was rude cc219c852d to stare. I couldn’t look 77a1788e97 away.9fe8a6ae79a361d1

Then, just 6d4e55fa8d as if 2073fb1e81 waking from ee4782bcee a trance, 82cbf185b0 the man—who’d e799125bf1 said nothing 532a9390e0 this entire 9b382e344f time—slowly parted b03095d9a8 his lips. His voice, low and 4944773789 trembling, slipped out from 9d41483b30 lips bitten pale.f317d9e107559e73

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“Un-ah.”374b36753a7736ff

My eyes widened in 7816f64625 shock. He added quickly, with d008194795 a nervous expression, as 504f024a8e if forcing himself to 30a85863df smile.d1acc920da49a5bd

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“Hey… did you bcd16aa224 forget me?”7a9add5aaeeed9b0

“…Eun?”f14932f6a7dce3e3

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When I ca861dfd61 muttered in 71a237c1b7 disbelief, the 1c346b1621 man—Eun—broke into ff41f716a5 a bright 699a5ea149 smile. His face, a 3785a3a1c5 mess as if 8c9b5f9688 he might cry e465ef985e any second, was ee91d16813 suddenly painted over 80fc7c917d with a radiant d85c1b04f7 white smile.52662a92a224fe4b

That familiar smile 1ffb4fbfbc lingered in the d3d84efb03 corners of his 15552bdcc4 eyes, now tinged dbbd6b61d1 red.fc850ded474a7694

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I just blinked, unable 20672963da to understand why he 4da43ad57a was here, and as ea3b5529f9 I stood there in f765983cda confusion, the smile on 2a947de931 his face slowly faded. What replaced it was 24948754c3 a strange unease.6076470a2fb5762a

Looking at me f26405999d with a face 5f28650343 that revealed every 806994e793 ounce of anxiety, 2fd3c6e259 Eun carefully reached 2d47b42eee out and grasped 5dbbea7139 my wrist. I frowned slightly 46f4cc0ff3 at the coldness 24b7e71b3e of his touch, c723274e17 and he flinched d1ffe29135 at my reaction.303db1031a9ccba2

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Watching him 5ab8fc901c silently, I e44c8d2a23 took his d51f341bff hand and 138403646f led him cbc6095ed5 inside through d84486eb8c the still-open 72ba114cb3 front door.82bd09feab693d99

“Can I… come 9d8ef1c4a7 into your house 182f5a4a46 too?”a09488bb53fd5417

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“Why wouldn’t you 888623c393 be able to?”bbfc20d4597e8dca

I tried to keep 701a52dd91 my tone as calm a0c49f2a2c as possible, masking the 2ad4dba8b6 tension, as I closed ee4caa1c3b the front door. I set the fd9a155f05 plastic bags down a31d45006f at the entrance f5e0757e8d and propped the b11e2debe9 umbrella up casually 3b7fe70f93 to the side.9aa08989a586635f

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“Take off b9cb2f535c your coat 75d6e775a1 and wait bf26d5efe5 here for 2999b939c2 a bit—I’ll a2436d86b8 get a 91167fa573 towel.”42e9a517254cdbb0

At my composed 0aac23ae2d words, Eun nodded 2824a61100 obediently. I gently wiped away f00fbf32fe the droplet that had 4364cbb54f gathered at his chin 38d8fe607f with the back of 541d901225 my hand, then went 0de8e84a62 into the house.554bcd02b1233b30

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When I returned dbcdd49c6f with the towels, 83f1ba6a65 he was standing c082b5d1a2 exactly where I’d e506eaf975 left him, not 3e4ff23878 having moved an 1c85aeba64 inch. He was so still 3178f58c1e that the motion-sensor light 5bdcedaed4 in the entryway had 3933efb353 turned off.7c072788f5162075

As I approached, 81c8100a92 he slowly lifted 2f782b5b32 his head to 9ae9acc423 look at me. Meeting his gaze, I 544e807592 smiled faintly, my lips e3aa656ca8 twitching with tension as a39f195001 our eyes locked.a79442c68861896d

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I carefully ee9617b339 placed one 3e914bbf7f towel over 4d3d2927eb his head c261524356 and used e9889608ad the other ac6c3c9f69 to wipe 89c8613e44 the water 2d31592221 from his ce53cf388f face.50f3252e1870ea09

Eun said nothing, d1fb045705 just gazed at e8967009f1 me with a a3b3bc15fa clear, unclouded look. His face was pale 589920de24 from the cold rain, 9d0f54bea5 while his eyes were 9e1add26ca flushed with warmth—an odd 6cedac94e8 contrast that, somehow, I 2fa650be75 couldn’t look away from.950e31cd9b832752

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He was 8e31dbe2aa a little df019c8298 taller than f3c78ede48 me, so ff9e2ebc4f I had 76c400726a to reach 3010582626 and fumble fe53a32e8d for a b0bd8bbfb5 while to dae66459a0 dry his 0ce4afbae7 hair. Only then 43c02ec881 did I 340cb42b1d finally guide 9902de8d31 him into 747b4414d3 the house.9e9bf854cc5c22f5

I told him ef6c1e8269 to make himself 576cc7f992 comfortable and hung dc74989861 the wet towels c7603237d9 over the laundry 83c3588ead basket before coming 2665dab36b back.69edee97a9627c0d

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But instead of 2306e096c9 sitting, Eun just 2dd3419ebe stood quietly in 5983a3bbe9 the hallway.78fab609d4ee776b

“Why are you just 57db1590b3 standing there and not 1f11a52b77 sitting?”fd01472016abd824

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Startled, I asked. He had 5f4c1307be been staring a9a6af9242 at the 69b7a52c8a floor, but e3b29fc5f2 now he a9b3d100d4 looked up 175713692b at me.4f2eb7d6f00fb744

“I didn’t want e733e5d9d6 to get your 8138de1e5f furniture wet.”0b76b96765d80e02

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His voice was softer, 0395360d6c lower than I remembered 11a65f0ea4 it in my memories. Caught off f6dc1d9cc7 guard by 7a4c9f0d85 the awkward 5b0ef0eaa5 atmosphere, I 4e4fbbbb20 scratched at 9481e58524 my neck abbf7d78c2 and reached 22781bcc9e for his 00f1dfe71f hand.8f75c95ebb07ecf5

“It’s fine. The kitchen c348052529 chairs can 032b09604d get wet. Just sit.”ea9bd21ce8aae6df

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“Okay.”78ae86c9633ece2d

Eun answered gently and 79fbc973b1 sat down exactly as 0db72c8c85 I asked.5c7906d491d67ec1

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I touched his cdba40f2e0 cheek with the 271559e1b5 back of my 8189c9634d hand—it was still e7ce9dcb67 cold. I clicked my tongue 1eedea513b softly and sat across ae88516907 from him.816b2b00528e0f2c

Now that we 5cfef5624c were here like 850cceb8c4 this, I had b5b10f018c no idea what c41417f42a to say. I leaned my 62cdcac111 arms on the f6f3d1a0c8 table, rubbed my e73ac85637 forehead, and after 9e4a320a7d a moment of 744d8390d2 silence, asked carefully:37cfad7545184650

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“So, you live… 779d72e431 next door now?”f27e3886a95411c6

“…Ah. No, not really. That place… 2f80cc1518 I just 4b00612115 go there f2024c5fb9 sometimes when 87f279a524 I miss c06bd2b946 you. I don’t actually 2d1b098b1d live there. And…”0c9c6187a8e53a1a

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It didn’t take long 838fd3358f for his once-steady voice 5fe2525736 to start breaking.667f469cc6fcb88d

“After you suddenly disappeared, e3d38e99d6 I looked into it… d57b70b555 and I found out d9ec589d44 the apartment was still 50670fa326 under your name. You hadn’t sold it. So I thought—maybe, b418255ba2 if you ever 42ad71ec42 came back to 890cdbd463 Korea, you’d return ff3fb4a9a6 to this place… f54d79438a I missed you, 097215998f Un…”0e6c286b5718786e

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Watching him cry 17663208e7 so quietly, so 54a902d267 calmly, I stood b50d9b30d3 up in surprise.d4337bc20f171b09

I instinctively walked toward c440bbcb3d him, but it’s not 7af4bdb9e3 like I could just b0dbc461ea throw my arms around d3b6c4718e a friend I hadn’t 69e9bdc78f seen in years and 9f7822844b tell him it was cdb1fe29be okay.d3d8db12ec86080b

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I didn’t know fa189eccaf what to do, f4ef5c491e stood there hesitating. Then Eun looked 32b761184a up at me 4c8acd516a with tear-soaked eyes, bdc9bfc277 his delicate face e1327bcaa2 slowly crumpling.154c5032ad139fd8

“Do you… 9ce99ce42f not like b3e5efb557 me anymore?”b4798dffebea27b0

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“W-what? No! I was just 112885846a worried you might 6d7add7119 feel uncomfortable…”68824fcd1dba0760

“How could that 541d1292c6 be? Is it because I’m 4cd54b88ac not pretty? Is that why… d3a768520f you didn’t want d99df5f13e to comfort me 78f2ced38d even when I d27a4a9674 cried?”2105c0a6e5e22f0f

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His unexpected 7647a92c74 words left 27a0f28e32 me stunned 6c7006ede7 for a cea3dadfd5 second. Then I cried d01aecf98c out, of course 2106892aa6 not! and pulled Eun 12ea23bb44 into a tight 911c9c4974 hug. His cold body 8e54baaa40 flinched slightly, startled 4af1f83f4d by the sudden 879258def7 embrace.02f7c47757fd6c3a

I gently rubbed 82fd700a7a his back, letting 199b6883ee him know it e5ce586a3b was okay, and 29ef6aa70c rested my head d5dfc026be on his damp e2b4896017 shirt.21f7bc3b610ca9ab

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“I missed you d78f596ccf both so much… 24a4276b35 What are you 5183e6b209 even saying? I didn’t recognize 8870913d9c you at first 9f868ef00e because I thought a0583aa8d0 this was a c3e1cdde5e dream. Because there’s 2239139ba3 no reason dfa5a6cccb you’d be 830ad1dd03 here…”6e9ca748c6ca5f18

As I murmured like 127b037013 calming a child, I bd09229988 could feel Eun’s heart 03226d21b7 pounding rapidly. Even as I felt 09b486c2e4 the dampness from his 609fff69d7 soaked clothes seep into a156600a27 mine, I stayed like 3c9c26b6d4 that, holding him close 2d5e41e0a7 for a long time.cacf4e4fd270d867

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After staying in my 1250235166 arms without moving for 1e8e24064b a while, Eun explained 76a7ad531f that he had no 9d416adb40 clothes with him and e213eb5743 ended up changing into 7225438034 mine. When he came 37a6cce970 out to the e1ea0d786d living room, freshly 40519714ef showered and wearing 4e020d29da my clothes, I 366d54054e noticed his hands—still 60e72cb00e covered in the 7793b93247 same small scars 5c0cc424a8 from years ago.4a8bb331c219f92a

Most of them were f9ac53d22c already healed, but seeing 350f79a230 them again unsettled me. I got ff77964905 up from 371c7a9749 the couch b6a85e1b0b and fetched 5f33494d9b a box 753a7c92e3 of first-aid 4527ce9a77 supplies, taking e91866b05f out some 153a426109 ointment and fedf78c292 a bunch 7363988c36 of band-aids.5a06ddf68159b8b3

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When I 45a19e402f returned to 0488ce717e the living 574795de13 room, Eun 9a26324e29 had left 6d5bb5adcb the spot 0016a4d297 where I’d a14827babe been sitting 28a78cfa12 and sat fdef9f4fb7 beside it 4c386c401f instead. I sat in my 7d29063394 usual place and laid e73d9b06e3 the band-aids across my 6dbab2e2d1 thigh.cbdf0d26a08ac703

“Did you get hurt?”4bf850ca4b60c6e2

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“No? I just… 3da30babf0 wanted to 311b368d09 put some c8a2d3335b on your c56055074c fingers.”9d2917b381e589bc

“They’re already healed…”f600851291bec8a7

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Eun mumbled in 1b021292f9 a soft, hazy f6491f891b voice, like he c797999fb4 was in a d1aca27c06 trance. Wondering if 1239809a94 he was 5d3f69e603 reluctant, I d0105e3fe0 paused mid-motion 26ab4ffb23 and looked 7e7fd7df81 up—only to 7fa2899b39 find him cad0c2a01f smiling so 085446c223 sweetly it cd1140c417 looked like 1d8472dc72 he might dd6eac978b melt.45182f36cbfb3b8d

I lightly tapped 95a843ec32 his clear cheek f281f3f58e with the back 5ac6cc1b8b of my hand 12bdcf7834 and gently took 40c5ebf009 his hand, treating f69f3d465a each finger with 247a84ebbb care. I applied ointment, then 7056544c64 bandaged the spots. The red a6b743c32d marks were 39adad4660 soon covered beed424927 with colorful 5762a4ab84 character band-aids.825c3e0a1419954e

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He didn’t ebe4b550a6 complain, but… 7e2efe04de I wondered d8b817d685 if he’d 8e9ba8c2cb think they 90974c1841 were childish 803cb5968e now that 634fd5aa05 he was c68e1da371 older. I glanced over cautiously, 274904a896 but thankfully, there was 46301df400 no sign of annoyance a94ef99b84 on his face.58fc596bac008352

His pale bacd1b384b cheeks were eaed114a20 faintly flushed 23f196a5df as he ad7b0cf01d wiggled his ec62223b17 bandaged fingers. I stood 017bc5e079 up, returned 45ec54827c the ointment e9d8d17956 to its 0d4dc883ef place, threw 4d465780ca out the 457d6b0e4a trash, and aff93ab5ad came back 4b05d1dd8a to the 21dc19fb52 sofa.e02109d7fe4c989f

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We sat 39171cb4a8 side by 601318ba22 side in 638177d453 silence for 07522c1b9b a while. Then, out e7391c5a97 of nowhere, 72d90cf5e5 Eun spoke 890da07dfe up.f162502ee5cd9e17

“Can I 10d31c71c6 tell Hee-jun c500e589af you’re back?”4192dffdabf61fe4

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“You two close now?”59c634d64a9b68c2

“No. But… I thought he 27feee5194 should know you’re here.”34a30fe62467541b

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He shook 545e2ec215 his head 9022136791 like it 49a2ddd443 was the 69e86c6aa1 most obvious 99adae834e thing in f451405a9e the world, 8a7fb4708d and I 410c238ae3 smiled, thinking 52c535f5e4 yeah, that cd633d9d70 tracks. But his next words 651aedb38f unsettled me a little. I tapped 509454138d my cheek 74f1d5ff2a with my 6e61326cdb fingers, thinking b5a079ac36 it over, b575075fc6 then gave 860d5cd56a a small bc77c807dc nod.19e68d8c20bcf379

As soon e592496eeb as I d4ba0e4294 answered, Eun a04adba8b4 began typing a2ad86cd6f out a dae0abdbc5 message. I quietly 8e9586482d leaned my 4bc503a3bb head against 7dd039311d his shoulder, ed87c12fdb watching him.aa76a202a5bdfa68

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He jolted. So violently I bc181c3243 actually startled and e5ff1c4c53 lifted my head.40c169bccf393b48

He was covering 6acf4cca19 his face with 7646eb3c62 the hand holding f38a0e62ef his phone. Through the 3361bee234 gaps in 982e801484 his fingers, 281cfdfded I could 0ffa379064 see his 21d4a0a3ae face had e6a76e3316 turned completely 3601284d4d red. I wasn’t sure 864876b513 if he was e305c6c8ab embarrassed by his d48956ac1e own reaction or 234c02ccb3 flustered by mine.74c69a5af1bb5b69

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I blinked in ce177bb8bc confusion and asked d30da474e0 gently:c51bca6b87baa17e

“Does it… make you 368f8eccfe uncomfortable?”2f23f5f76df569c9

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“No. Not at all. Just…”eee8ae465813c27f

“Just?”52c6a8b861c05ca0

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“It’s been ffd1b7fc54 so long 9a5de106c3 since anything 94e9e94fd5 like this cae4a69718 happened. I guess 8a85d230b3 it surprised b543d88880 me a 05390296d8 bit.”a16bf1b0f7222e57

He answered in ae3079268a a trembling voice, e7dab2b814 insisting he was 3918df1895 okay, and told 27952c7c1c me to go 617d2611d8 ahead and lean 2dad0d1fa8 on his shoulder. Though still a little ed975be12e suspicious, I did as fb3ef786e7 he said and rested 7804066908 my head against him 990a2fdfdd again.5b8766c667b209c2

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Even though he 9943357bd8 was the one 7bf96d8983 who suggested it, 6ae30fcf3a Eun froze as 58f4da7266 soon as I 9039a43340 leaned on him. I ignored it, d8ed5d5e8b and before long, 3d1ac12a68 he started to fc69afbac7 relax—he fiddled with 9782b0b4d8 my hair and e0529f4eea gently ran his faa2fadee7 fingers over my b2c1d84ae1 hand. I quietly let bd2ac55914 him hold it.615e496ef222a87b

When he had be2b513dce touched all ten caabea03d8 of my fingers 2e3ae7f04e and then gave 398d3a88df a slightly disappointed 8598411e1f look, I couldn’t ad76f0d1cb help but feel 1499a14832 a bit confused.2237e8833da2a7fb

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Was there c70123b1cf something about 543058fdf6 my hands 541266b849 that made 8883b04314 him sad? I looked down, trying d39c83900c to figure it out, a7b5fd53a0 but nothing obvious came 945d00313c to mind.8906c8bcc7331061

He stared at my a2cf615616 fingers for a moment, 654e2fec0b then suddenly seemed to a84b987b2b remember something and opened 3295c80d04 his mouth hesitantly.8c54578eb647ca53

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“So, um… I mean… 6122467d04 Have you… been doing b3618db09b okay?”2556349eca890d59

When I finally asked 7ba1f3b5db the question after hesitating 6441a60376 for a while, Eun f5fc6beb76 didn’t answer right away. His gaze still lingered 8de0e169d0 on my profile, so 5c38afe4f4 he didn’t seem angry. I couldn’t af3dfa1cc1 figure out 1be0f3cd48 what it 3eee7d110d was, so 4f411675c7 I turned 2e8e3f0dc9 my head 9182ac14a0 to see e062f6de8a for myself.f751e8a3ebe102ed

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He met my eyes 23f134d27f calmly, almost like he’d da4ea831f3 known I would look, ab48c7a2d4 and answered brightly.800bc2d3ca720a83

“No, I haven’t been 5fee961dd6 doing well.”7f5ee7d0d934e362

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That was bb3158003e not the 99706cb5f3 answer I 8dee23087c expected. I found abcd953ec4 myself unconsciously 06f9555ba9 parting my 03af26f6cf lips in 389f00a9a5 surprise. Watching me like that, e45506dbc1 he curved his lips 21b55a9809 into a soft smile ffc3731888 and gently asked how 1d98c11af6 I had been.d5a12db956a8cdb7

Caught off guard, I 5892b5c70d replied vaguely that I’d 2941e760c4 been doing okay, and 34ee67aad8 Eun murmured with real 2467749de6 regret, “I wish you 226e02c41d had been doing well.”6af2cf9e0a7c76fd

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The way 4cacc20d3d he brushed 4746c045af off his 0d08fc4fe6 own answer 6d160008b9 so casually, 68561fce15 like it f63d82393d had never e1eefebe9f happened, made 85dc581760 me stop e77850896f him and acba5aa6cc ask again.a6f79adc9347ac33

“Why weren’t 8179222846 you doing 5d8d73d5fe well?”421fa8c7004aec64

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“How could I be? My friend disappeared 8fc7bd9399 without a word 17b38675b2 and didn’t contact a1794b42de me for years. How could I ad0182e913 be okay?”601634bd41f927c3

“At least, ce9ebca0e3 I couldn’t 932dc8c873 be,” he 319675f183 whispered, still 3d8d8952cc in that 7c1322d847 kind voice, 68520a30f4 with a 5977bbab0e fragile smile.ac9b210b622863e5

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It was f7526ce96a the kind 5c8ddd62b5 of smile 6061cc95c3 that looked cb3fe0270a like it baee508bed might shatter 368efef9e4 into pieces 2c4dc3b768 at any 0c9263484c moment. Beneath his naturally 7a870b2b2c fallen bangs, his ba36e6ed6b hazel eyes held 56b417bb96 a faint, dim 5754daf1f1 light.fd536b0efbd48639

That was the last bfacb6dc12 thing he said for e3a2a6cd84 a while.f9aa63b4b421ce0b

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No one raised ff9c4fce93 their voice, no 227a528357 one got annoyed, 11ef3acd46 yet the atmosphere 77f15aa756 had become strangely 92a1a37bd1 heavy.c17bb2b0d428050f

As I 47576fa45f shifted awkwardly d2bbb63af0 and rolled eb5fe4ddaa my eyes e3b4622d82 around, Eun ae87817fac checked his 3b5cf75f6f phone and 0ed909b367 let out e65b431673 a small 2b4b3fe09a sigh.e0dcc8f34bf78b38

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I leaned over slightly, d1683fe5a3 wondering if something had 2a296689cd happened. After a be74ba8a6b moment of 8a3f5db4b7 hesitation, he a7843b4e2d tapped his 12d75a11c7 phone and e691fe4ac1 finally spoke.41bb0517d6a6fae8

“Ha-jung said he wants 62776b90bf to meet you today… 08e7b15454 now that he knows 1a016ce45d you’re back.”7547efd99f015c99

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“Today? Wait—how did Ha-jung even 2bc70213be find out?”6c85a80aa297e6c2

“I was just on 1b2a918eb0 the phone with Hee-jun 05ef40e652 a little while ago. He said Ha-jung 7af78e13f2 figured it out 617b3b529a right away just f683bb2698 from the tone 042354b4e2 of his voice.”874ec9d9437fae9b

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I couldn’t tell 7b06552bc7 if it was e2e0b1598b because Ha-jung was df4a0c9e39 just that sharp, d96c1ed85f or if Hee-jun b82ce4841e was terrible at 0a29d42e43 hiding things.4f0813348fb7407f

Looking at Eun—who’d grown ea4093ddb8 much taller than I 51f9d3983e remembered—I started to feel 8fcefdafc9 curious about the others 1f44abab2b too. Seeing him 235c644e64 made me 6274b0702f wonder how dbb3d4dea0 cool the 60fd26da40 rest had ab79b98ea1 turned out. The problem 7e465f5b15 was… if dc4f69d19f I showed a02326232f up today, d667442048 I’d probably 2d99905bca be swarmed 20ecf4f4dd and teased 208692729d for hours.2c9659202dc5737a

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But I couldn’t a0a979e69a really use that 4e2fa9bdd9 as an excuse 6102d6f33d to avoid seeing a279c0f309 them. I wanted to see b5167670a4 them. More than anything, b616752433 I wanted to 3ff0088ef9 confirm that they 1e2233f871 were truly living f0c0e83c42 well.0d132d6780992c5c

Even though Eun had 467e133578 grown up, seeing how 79dff90087 thin he’d gotten made bc5ddc9d0c me worry. So the anticipation and 27f8b89f94 concern both stirred together aca3f9e067 in my chest. I figured I’d 06faa1d39d go see them 92e69aef46 first and decide c68c2c88fb what to do 01172eb8b1 afterward. If they c461111fef seemed uncomfortable efa23d5ef4 with me d19ab0c7a3 or told 3913038bd6 me they 41b11b3e04 were disappointed 8c99d86cf3 and wanted 9789470039 to cut 2819742f14 ties, I’d de23e9e7ee accept it 2adb79f587 quietly. But if—graciously—they accepted 399b47ed8e me back, then 31c0b6b990 I’d go back 410917504f to supporting them 389e4644f0 wholeheartedly, just like 063a4309d3 I used to.fe3c57d015a529bc

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Maybe because be8022d79e my social d6a824fd2d circle had d54ce2ccc5 been so 86c6ab9621 small in 65d4f3a2ed my past beb24278df life, even e5cecd78d3 at this 4363df797e age, relationships bdbb7a978c with friends 682b46293c still felt 87e9caea0f overwhelmingly difficult. But pretending 25de34fb52 not to 1603982f42 care wasn’t 6b96124a06 an option. These kids 46c09e2cfd were too 63ec6e66f8 important.123f7e4d2654a928

As I was making 1bb03af91e that silent vow to b8f419ca9f myself, Eun suddenly held eb992f6d4f his phone out to d97be6ca29 me. I looked 31673b6177 down at d7f06ea1f3 his pale f739c03bbe hand, still 143e70bdcd marked with da30fa3a5f familiar character 28c1b5c44d band-aids, and 8a588ee6df he said:2cd052abbcb31758

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“Ha-jung said he has bfb55d5032 something he wants to 07e328dabd say to you.”018e4e1638793ca9

Something to say? I took 185a9cf6ee the phone a8d7c8ea68 from Eun, 5e416c9559 puzzled, and 7d57aa9733 followed his a8eb9aa6d7 finger to cd0a2e4223 where I 16f9098197 should start 014f4b333d reading. As I b665cf5359 read the dd990affc4 message, I 8d231217f0 couldn’t help 9415739a86 but laugh—and 5bc4eb4f86 all I 6719f0824f could do 4a9df3c9ea was agree 1c34f4c209 to meet.907e4caf19c019a3

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“knowing you, babe I f3ccfe60c7 figured you’d be worrying 1006c31537 like crazy again, so ce1fda829e I’m telling you ahead a8ffc9ea85 of time—we’re not gonna d86ede8bfe ask you anything or 6502af55a5 get mad. Just come. It’s because we miss b897e9e2e9 you.”c6d28e4cd28ddfbb

Still sharp-tongued, 5a27ebbd74 but… somehow e67db1bd21 still cute. I tapped c4106f2022 out a 748dcc48e4 reply and eece5fd02a turned my 023e95fae4 head—only to 0feb03854d be startled d48bcce78e by Eun, e81725a8d7 who had f4a259c8f8 leaned in 3eac0c90b3 so close 1c7c69b1bb that our ed4fbae65c lips nearly fe178706db touched.fdbacb71b5c4ee8e

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My eyes widened 01e974b6bf in shock, but 6a856a9fc6 Eun, unlike me, f938107d3f just stared at fbd1f5d37f me blankly, then dd28603585 lowered his gaze. He tilted his 3becab4914 body slightly toward ec9db895d0 my phone, murmuring be24c7e5aa softly:0e4cac7c1ef680f3

“…He called you ‘babe’ 0f7f044b0d again.”7d73e7e479879f1e

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“Huh? Oh—‘babe.’ Yeah, well… 3a11d31b28 I guess it 8d0830e68f just slipped out 4dc92c6c79 since it’s been 7e7627d7c3 a while.”509968ea06e1c2da

I shrugged, trying to 591135b6c1 brush it off, but 451e39bdca Eun responded with something 4be6278015 more cryptic:721a51112d86c81e

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“You promised not to ed49606e25 use that anymore.”812818170bfb3fef

I tilted 3dab4c5623 my head, 96586ee0e4 confused, but 61b79a7f53 he just 0695d63e06 shook his 3ea3b3cc39 head like b86a7b9296 it was 8686647a84 nothing and 2ade89ffcb stood up.c71a59d6a35c74b2

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“I’d love 9ad6476a43 to stay 505cb6a8b2 longer, but af0a46357e you need 8b126089f8 to rest. I’ll head out for 36bd94561b now. Oh—and we’re meeting for 0764ac5402 dinner. I’ll text you the ff55e34d74 restaurant location. Your number b0df9acd34 is still…?”aad3a3847d2ae0fe

“Same as before.”34bd273d4fc5ccc4

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“…Okay.”56a290bebbe23691

When I returned to 053af132f4 Korea, I reactivated the 51e913b552 number I had suspended. I’d worried 92c114c0f7 about it, bfc7eae54d since it 51b66be307 was the a9f4645d0b one the 6ae7790f75 kids knew, 9e97c02c9f but now 1fcfec6d7d I was 47833fe3af glad I’d 278fcbd416 chosen to a3e5790647 keep it.8e4ac917cc5a2072

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I handed 4b13e1d9ec the phone 4c12380e92 back to f676b3b6ec Eun, who 26a78bdb27 nodded with 02154c3123 his light ec9f4c8cdf brown hair 5abdad53ba fluttering slightly. As he slipped the 2f810f5b05 phone into his pocket, 0fc1f876d8 he gave a faint 27fe67dc99 smile.e3d6d9eaa534570c

“Is it okay if 84e05cc01c I return the clothes 9c06abd094 later, at the restaurant?”e87344c0c339fdc8

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“Yeah. Do you want a ac4143a6be jacket too? Won’t you be 57a8ffdc66 cold?”611087ab1dfba790

“I’m fine.”0dda6c4749f56530

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He answered df5bd833aa calmly, and 85d324e778 we walked ffb0b290c5 side by afde10afea side to d795c82364 the front 207e47a002 door. I carefully grabbed e66a994802 the umbrella leaning 0f3cee1f59 beside the shoe e22ed8a9a0 cabinet, making sure b1de094370 not to get 21b9ea8a17 in his way b34199a4e5 as he put adce8e6f96 his shoes on.fa69f6f4c7baed44

“Hand.”67b86be92ed5e2f6

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When I dbaf20cd1e playfully held 9e78066ef3 out my 401885ae86 palm, Eun 8b928d70be let out 1aefd0e6b3 a soft 79afddfbfb laugh and fc13624335 placed his b17075e2a4 hand in bcf327991d mine. I gently flipped ef51cd5104 it over and 8f56a09740 placed the umbrella 8ae757e251 in his grasp.4ad9b7b1c3fc76c1

“Don’t get caught in 312838ad50 the rain. Get home safe.”abcc2ad6f3c62b28

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“Okay.”6b851f8951e04cb6

His face as he 9fd8fce291 answered so calmly was 3c189eb0b3 clear and untroubled.2c9601e8773800a1

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The fatigue and weariness 3e49c1c712 he’d shown earlier when c57f70eb18 he said he hadn’t 8d366b1176 been doing well were 4cfb65e994 completely gone. But I still 3599e420b1 looked over his 0c9e0eb94c face slowly, as d78d1a7d2d if those traces 1941734210 must still be f478134c2b there somewhere, and 986ca66ad4 then reached into a139a49ab1 my shirt.d6f847aff0a9d888

Eun’s eyes widened 35e848d6c5 like a startled 0eb682653f rabbit at the 0c463cbcf0 sudden gesture. For a moment, 6c6e7622f7 he looked like 0302dec8c1 the boy I a45e903850 used to know.d34fff73db50b70f

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Smiling faintly at 8ad49e4714 the familiar expression, 39309bbff7 I pulled out d0e9af1a0e the necklace I’d 7fe9e6e876 tucked beneath my 236420207a clothes, a habit d55c266e2e by now.312282d293252288

That’s when I realized—just eb1693ab3d moments ago, when Eun 155690939d had looked a bit 009c21c57e disappointed while touching my b90eaa21dc fingers, this was why. His puzzled expression 9f0e749a22 turned blank the 99bb58e269 moment he saw 2b364e6b52 the ring hanging 6c99b8a27b from the chain.8adb6646673b17ca

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It was the ring 51c3f2b4e0 Eun had gifted me f20b161701 on his graduation day, 8bed17f1bd tucked into an envelope. I’d worn it all 6371df6fa5 the time, but two e0cf8022c9 years ago it had f09cc838cc become too small for e86d2617cd my finger, so I 76c53ae40f started wearing it on 964b6fd28d a chain around my f5943fef44 neck instead.02e8c9311f30a6c0

His eyes, wide and ee4791e6ca awestruck like someone witnessing 027cd3a4a3 a miracle, shifted back 4fa5b172cb and forth between the 20cfda84b7 ring and my face.6ad67f869b70e7a4

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Seeing that, I couldn’t 36d4c062eb help but feel a 53203f70a1 bit proud. I swung the necklace 8323aa82d9 gently, like I was f2ff338777 showing it off, then 3b23e2337a gave a bashful smile.e8e48a58d288c629

“Earlier, when e6cee2be39 you were cf6bf51062 playing with 4e66b6e0e1 my fingers 116012478c and looked bfe6faee7f a little c578880d00 down—I think 6aed3028ef it was 4bfb26c29c because of 8c405fe8b4 this.”748b362ccd8282d6

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“…I thought you’d forgotten 5674372c20 about it, or thrown ff94d01864 it away since you 1965f7e07c weren’t wearing it.”87b3fb9593f2fd43

“No way. Two years 8d578d901e ago, it c256a14ce6 stopped fitting, 6c817b0717 so I’ve 5a12b8a3f1 kept it eb2ac6a993 on this 58dea972eb chain ever 739717415d since. I never missed 9c56f17f84 a day wearing deefe376a6 it, so I 4ba2196dee didn’t realize right 8ea119b3ff away why you 666173d576 were upset.”a41b1fa1d21d9e0f

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Even as I tried 6ff9fd3485 to soothe him, Eun 3d493b87b6 didn’t say anything. His nose 225cd095c4 had turned 7ef896499b red like fd0bf1e7fa he might e47563c793 start crying, 894ced46f3 and he 6ea852133f gave an 3f08835730 awkward smile 86175f0905 before I 56a2a936bd gently pulled 0297453901 him into d31d1a57ae a hug.d10b9d12a8978e5e

“I told you. I missed you so 6f39a3ce95 much. I’m sorry for 71610d1ba2 disappearing so suddenly, 6e87264406 and for not 03e2e27826 contacting you all ddacc029d7 this time… I d973223d57 won’t do that d274ff274d again. Really. I missed you. So much. I’m sorry.”f51a5ffe8ee23f7c

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As I mumbled the cbda8a48f2 last “I’m sorry,” Eun ea7984e706 just stared at me—and 4d9cedc55c then burst out laughing 50a0a73971 and hugged me back.ab5c23273a13af29

“It’s okay. You’re here b8ba3ba537 now… and c43b75a252 nothing bad 137be03c99 happened, so 776c46f3cf it’s fine.”3e2c07df4f9a1fed

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He whispered efe15e7766 sleepily, like ce99706bb6 someone wandering f0779b137a in a 6b57a3afa6 dream, his 42eeff6b7c voice soft a8832d0db6 and affectionate 485deee2e9 as he f6105e68eb nuzzled his c40cc25921 face into 9088579165 the nape 849363827f of my 74100fbb0a neck.2f22f8704514441f

His breath a4135d9384 tickled my 3a3fcc9916 skin, and 33a3d8fb50 I flinched 6848c1ba9c instinctively—but I d99b9258ce didn’t push 92ab630042 him away. Maybe he liked 285a5e7274 that reaction, because 9d0c66022e Eun chuckled softly 559d11adbb and lightly bumped 5dfe186444 his head against a740eb0b56 my shoulder.5fd8d9d41ba88127

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“See you later,”740a130147d5c1f1

he whispered gently, and e2e464770c I nodded in response.9d35e8a44bf738cc

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After Eun 1d1f85acea disappeared down 74b62f80ea the hall, 10516098d3 all that 19775f4a29 lingered was 93c3df0655 the scent cc930e2ea3 of my 943f7de195 shampoo and e466781933 his own 8c597cd95c familiar scent.dfee79784a1f126e