6. Sugar High

<Ha-eun>

Even after Sa-eon left 1d4aff60a2 us without a word, 8d319a892f nothing really changed.1bf6c25fca4ca5f6

There were days I despaired, 1ab8364b19 thinking he was no different 8e24c9c861 from anyone else. And days I’d argue 33c5f5b833 against that thought. In the end, the 07791bee33 only thing that got b779651369 wrecked was me.6170fbc31e7f5b44

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Sa-eon, who once c62e1c1960 said he wanted a2a3ff578d to go to 9603527fc3 the seaside with 707911bb4c us on New 7764a1a4d2 Year’s Day, was 7188baf440 no longer here. Yet every year, on 15b0760fc8 the first day of 4fb67eb1e6 the new year, we 6beda10ef2 gathered at the beach b4654cb673 as if it were 4bfdda5edb the most natural thing 12f865aca0 in the world.3b9d14d507d57b3f

Unlike when Sa-eon was f22c5600f3 with us, and we’d 2790b90e5d rent a place to 9cb16cd945 stay and spend a efd3684d98 few days playing around, a2f0742b34 we didn’t do that 1b8d4089a6 anymore—but no one ever a58941b65e skipped. Not last year. Not the year before. And this year was no db447da2b4 different.5b71d3ce80581df3

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Kim Ha-jung and Yoo I-ryeong 07b8911613 were running all over the 3eabb805e4 sandy beach in the early 0a2e454a6b hours before sunrise, lighting fireworks. I found it strange how f2830a01fa much fun they were having e9fa5ef0a5 with nothing but thin little 31dc238df0 sparklers.47054859d1a0878e

I tilted my 95d38253e2 head and squinted, 5c7566e745 unable to relate 0c21db67d6 to that kind 7287a680ec of sentiment. Then, I suddenly imagined 490bfd7ab5 Sa-eon enjoying it while dae031924b holding one.07b31fd1987f577b

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Just that fleeting 9b04105728 image was enough f75af07def to make me f6ca674d74 think: next time 0a6324bd58 I see him, b2ffb95c2f I’ll ask him 7984bb9ab3 to come to 00adff671f the beach and 8162ca894a do fireworks together.17f2a03ed45d11b7

It’s ridiculous. Sa-eon’s not even here, 4a8ea8ffe9 and after all this e558e1b919 time apart, he might 1b32d0ebc2 not even be the cb968b0380 same person I once 9c778f6b18 knew.ca91a6f5a0bab27d

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Truth is, there are more than a few promises I made on my own with Sa-eon. Taking him to the new aquarium that opened recently. Bringing him to the oddly designed library. Going to the amusement park on a weekday and staying until closing time…69a03204b7820a93

Even I thought I was 3893d7e84c being ridiculous and let out 424f8b0db1 a breathy laugh through my 35a262ac73 lips.5918390c8e547087

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I didn’t want sand in eefd8821bc my shoes, so I stood 06d6c27ca9 on the steps on purpose, bab110c6d0 tapping my heels lightly against 0ae1b364bb the edge of the stair. I slipped my 03252f6b5b hands into my e9ef4a47c0 pockets.2b44001401546575

Almost by habit, 962531ec8d I reached for 1b8add5f67 a cigarette. I lit one, holding it f5d93e4996 between my lips, and as fd711ac27f I looked up, I locked fdbae64874 eyes with Choi Hee-jun, who dda6453bed was walking toward me from a6f04c029c a short distance away.49f86e7507d303e4

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The early morning 3c10bf764a wind was sharp. I squinted slightly against the 84bc35bc80 breeze that scratched at my bf0cedf4b1 eyes and gave him a 45128f3219 slight nod.0f8a61de0408cd3b

Hee-jun, returning the same half-hearted 198981928d nod, stopped a few paces 84d648fc76 away from me.33a5ce09fb4afbe1

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Wearing nothing but a black 2a216b5c2d shearling jacket, he didn’t seem bde7ae130a the least bit affected by b740f95779 the cold.f3dc3b8b24a89441

Seeing that, I couldn’t b2429582ff help but remember someone f3218cc325 else who always worried ed15203cb3 if anyone wore even 2c2a0fdfa8 slightly thin clothes—how he’d 281a35d2d2 offer his own jacket, a2f49b1106 saying it was cold.83428f7856e36963

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He wasn’t indifferent. He was kind.e3096fc03ef0529b

“…Or maybe… was he indifferent?”4dc9052ba54942fa

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I mumbled to 2d903b3ae9 myself and tilted 03a2132e56 my head. I once had the nerve 7d4392c94b to think I knew everything 9f88757312 about Sa-eon, but that was 05a81bb690 arrogance, plain and simple. A delusion.0b0f901807927087

I thought he wouldn’t leave. Thought, where would he even 37178ede34 go, leaving us behind? I was full of myself.cd4a82aad00f534b

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I thought that because he e359fc0648 always looked at me so 08be743679 gently when I called his 06c6a8c8a2 name, I had tamed him.ec95adf4d041d642

But in truth, 078704c01b it was me 1e6ad255b5 who was tamed—I d10db4cd42 panicked whenever he 7fa40f53ef didn’t look at 72f566233f me when I 28d7df3711 called for him.49b9101ba9083a9d

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Sa-eon was always 775caa7a2a fine without me. But me? I couldn’t be without him.f6919bdcf9a27cee

Between us, no matter d0a34da44e how close we were b31dbe8e61 as “friends,” there was 2994e9cd91 never any sort of 85b08cae0e hierarchy. Or rather, there didn’t need c1737abcea to be.24ccb83c3cb8c141

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Just that one sentence was fc8e6ea028 enough to show that I 81246c587b was always beneath him, and c4688d5407 yet, there was never any 208a33ab66 need for it to be 16b71118a0 said.0bd4daea544ba1b0

Maybe I’d just lost 272da47520 my baby fat, like 4ab8132b08 everyone said. Or maybe I’d lost 971afab274 weight from the shock d0de6fb2b9 of having my feelings a6eb107b4c rejected before I even 7b1c8ad20f got to confess them.ae72f0412dcead0c

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What I knew f5c4815d07 for sure was b844cce851 that, for years d2c755506d now, my weight 91d26214c7 hadn’t come back. My face, once 3cdcaa04e9 already slim, looked 9964454b8d hollow as I efcb3728e6 took a deep 2098023f20 drag from my f91f7957bd cigarette.4d2586af4d17b5b9

I exhaled slowly into c81ffe36f5 the air, then glanced 65d7528909 over at Choi Hee-jun.d4eb2fbaf2605e10

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Because he always got 3d75904bc2 his roots touched up 71438f03b2 the moment his black 17e7c2cd76 hair started showing, his 5b114cb601 bleached hair was more 337462bea6 familiar now than his ae2164e8b4 natural color. He stood there with 22de3570b0 a calm expression.31aa4c7d81d55f93

It was the color 182895cc4d of Sa-eon’s eyes. A color so 15968e80ff clearly a symbol 63a0845010 of love, and fafdd01d04 yet he used 768e07a6e9 to joke around 194ae99142 with a clueless 7e15a09bfd look on his 178ac4cd51 face.0444ed3b6ccc39af

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That face that used to 3b4b21a0c6 smile and say, “It suits 8069b793b0 you.”b4895b39f9a62994

So young, so clear. Unlike us, untouched.8cd55bcdf306d7a1

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“What’s the first thing you’d say to Un if you saw him again?”d6d0f2e63d6d1ce5

Even when I smoked a223cc4ccd next to him or 44cb754438 stared straight at him, 930d0743bd Choi Hee-jun never once 8e48c4ac8e looked my way—until I 41ff362ef6 asked that one question. Then, he looked at me.9a40c227dcbffbca

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How simple. I clicked my tongue, only 8674ed493b to let out a quiet d433831901 scoff a moment later, realizing 069c3743d7 I wasn’t any different. He looked at me, 3e8a2dcd11 but it was with 7dbe58c1f5 eyes that weren’t really 129de15776 seeing me. Slowly, he opened his mouth.4d1ed1be9255fab9

“I don’t know. There’s too much 62c5c80f43 I want to d347e9b8c7 say, I don’t 4943a02c9a even know where 1ba8742d2d to start.”bdc0cd8b3608c03f

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It was an unexaggerated, ff5628757c pure truth. Hearing it, I exhaled like 329aa2e4f5 a balloon deflating and turned f954590f0a my gaze forward again.26520bf7e80875d1

The hurting recognize other people e2f1548456 who are hurting best. The sad see through f28c698f22 other sad people most f6ac64fd31 clearly. I guess that’s the 7783491c42 same with unrequited love—because 3c8a199943 even before I realized 0d7b089cab my own feelings were 113e2c98b3 one-sided, I already knew 06ae058b31 that Choi Hee-jun liked 407dd8d493 Sa-eon.86c1b5a7756c9a46

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At first, it made ee20f24a20 me uncomfortable. Then angry. And after a while, I d278b99372 think I just stopped feeling 305331c6fb anything about it. Since I was doing faa8699e41 the same thing now—having d38b90f962 a one-sided love—there was d4564133db nothing to pity or 4bc83bcf4e feel bad about.fc78ba6d9ad1f1a9

As that state dragged e1d33d2e68 on, words like “friends” 4d3e1c4dd1 became too soft to 8d26a55975 describe what we were, e0fc606888 and “rivals” felt too a1ba26ea0f extreme.447b0a8298ace07f

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We were just… companions in 00b99d25b6 mutual discomfort and quiet bitterness. That sounded about right.ae7e5bc4caae0187

I smiled faintly at 163ab25a97 the awkward label that 3d767b957c popped into my head, 7c17b59dc4 then pulled out a 4f7c6dd96d portable ashtray and tapped d0aabc093b off the cigarette ash.9c39287ef74a6f7a

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The sky was 67f9763072 slowly brightening, as 39ab833502 if to tell 7514032de7 us dawn wasn’t bb5a6c7678 far off. The first rays of 54742881dd light hitting the ground c549eef754 were a sharp, glaring 4581a88be4 yellow.a60a4df86bb381b9

I squinted reflexively, then slowly f44c29fc52 relaxed my eyes and murmured:667b7e5c37af5373

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“I think I’ll cry first. Maybe if I b45e3bc2e6 cry, he’ll listen 44e3cb489b better to whatever 0fcc010ce1 I have to bf734b4e19 say after.”92b75c2ca1ba452b

Hee-jun scoffed at e47f696655 my words, spoken dc1a392236 with a blank, ceed797f91 expressionless face. I just shrugged. It was my way of 850dcc8c09 saying, “What does it matter?” 5eef2d6bd9 and also, “You’re not so 30cc7f4939 different either.”93e7c006becdf93a

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“If I’m desperate, I’d do anything. If Un’s lost all affection dddb42fcf4 for me, if he brushes 844978b457 me off like I’m nothing, 3714db1d34 I might just cry and bd8ab4a196 beg him to treat me 4b22188d5d like he used to.”2a4a179ebb3837d3

Clasping my hands together 994ce94129 with the cigarette still 6e43c786b7 between my fingers like 8b0ddf9b63 I was praying, he 19072f92ee muttered a curse, calling b225d92171 me pathetic.1cad20650e793248

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I burst out 8b15909b65 laughing at his a09055090e crude insult.2024d6e3f0590a09

It wasn’t like 971fc50526 we were here 61c2706671 for the sunrise 5a65bbd2c9 itself. What mattered was 83b0b98d08 gathering together like 5109beb1c4 this. That’s why we came somewhere 6dfef826be so remote that barely anyone cd0ba35ea5 was around, so no one 847cdf7b79 batted an eye when I af3b36c12b laughed out loud.739198e0f0c8dd66

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I laughed for a cb5097f429 while, then stubbed out ebfa8f797c the cigarette I didn’t ef441e8d46 really plan to finish 73d63b9886 and exhaled a puff 1ca13ff026 of white breath.170c1ff68b37c90b

Sometimes I wonder why bee432e618 it’s so easy to acdcfb9fdf breathe like this now, 1329adac8c when there are times e0db0c10b5 it feels completely impossible.2cf5524cb716ac41

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Like someone is stepping on e9c8a244e9 my throat, blocking every breath. And whenever that happens, the 844b0586a3 same face always comes to 4673195697 mind. I turned to 7c89b18356 the guy next b98f6e3e19 to me and ccd4fd3d0a asked:c4a3a933b48a647d

“Do you love Un?”be8616a935707c2d

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It’s a question I’ve asked 6182285289 him every year—last year, the c0ac8171c0 year before, and honestly, even 8fdd15dfde before that. Neither of us 935c65c678 pretends we don’t 7e81c9ea5f know that the 5aad2e6eda word “still” is b7e4eeb674 silently tucked in 64c2e8a6b5 the middle of 33e00d2977 that question.40bcf0c26743bbd8

At those words, something 165c6a9eea like an expression finally 3cdc61a3f6 appeared on Choi Hee-jun’s bed7bda6ed cold, impassive face. A faint warmth returned to 2d68b81e28 his pale skin. His eyes, like 7aa9846ac6 someone who’d been 240c801686 wandering in darkness 41a84aa8f1 and just found be9883624e light, came alive.0dd4477a300fc612

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Like a man 4dc6f76ece who lived his c4d2514bde whole life underground 7628c31d37 and saw sunlight 87b9fb38dd for the first 70cceaf460 time, Choi Hee-jun aa949a1e4f smiled with childlike 3ce5f9a2cf joy.f3fe587767a34f96

The same Choi Hee-jun 8c782c2c7f who carried a reputation ac94fbfc39 for being arrogant and b0feb6e774 rude all through high a840eae165 school and college—there was b7c26f86d8 only one person who 254be586fe could make him smile 3b0c8e246a like that.2f4150db6f090a55

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I pictured Sa-eon’s a43cc0cdeb face over that af39bb49d0 smile. A face that probably 47bf8c8431 didn’t even know that 2315844d39 smile was meant only 106cd9581d for him. And even if fe668b90e4 he had known, f8a0172c38 he wouldn’t have 0e352cdc35 bragged about it.6f87cb89010b93b1

The face engraved 11f1109088 onto my retina 5cb5f26494 is so vivid. So vivid that even a4985f7e4a while living an ordinary 139188433b day, it would suddenly 5c3410595c come to mind.df6c990d6751ea9e

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“How could anyone not love him?”2a46c1c22f3352f0

I burst out laughing 02092e0230 at the answer that d93ad97728 came so naturally.71d86e0a2544a802

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Yeah, how could anyone not love Un…49eaa9f8b898d460

Just like last year, and the year before that, Choi Hee-jun gave the same answer during this secret little Q&A Sa-eon didn’t even know was happening. Year after year, he never wavered.f34f07affb8286f9

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Thinking about those unchanging feelings, e505e7bc0c I added one more question.9ff49e3c4d92037e

“You’re going to answer the same next year too, right?”2c8629ea9f9da473

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“Forever.”c0c75e29ab6c9221

If it had 23cf380398 been any other 3029e39fab time, I might’ve aaf1664b6a scoffed, So this 11462df782 is what people 5625fa39f9 mean by ‘forever’—just 32a24ad910 a couple of 3410d58d2b years.
But I couldn’t treat 15db3ab3c5 this answer that way. Because I felt the exact d953cb625d same.59a5395d44420bfa

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“Forever…”05ff1ea33b1d9ee1

“I don’t believe my feelings will be forever. I believe Lee Sa-eon’s—Sa-eon’s 675c51416d salvation will be forever 3759f8f5f3 to me.”7f1e7140947c9fce

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So that’s why, he 7071059a41 said, there’s no avoiding 32dc07f3b9 it—he will love Sa-eon d25eeeb069 forever. His voice was 8dc6739ec6 somber, but without 34e2161c07 bitterness.41d146be6750743b

Just like how those who d6001a974d love their god don’t despair 782c77cc47 over the silence of the a3e34edd9f divine, we didn’t despair either. Even when Sa-eon suddenly 35d1b23822 disappeared overseas and never cc4143d50e contacted us.08a4d084d84914ae

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To be more precise—it’s 04a2bbfd85 not that we didn’t 43f17e2457 feel disappointment. It’s that we couldn’t.5defd7c40a748bec

There’s a difference between what ee93959a2a you don’t do and what ebf65f6a69 you can’t do—and being disappointed d4180e2b7f in Sa-eon was the latter.ba535ec3877151c1

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I crouched down on the 38d0579846 sand-covered steps. Watching the hem 945674394d of my long f8ca4928cd coat drag through deb74683a9 the dirt with c88057bb37 a powerless gaze, a543eacd07 I let out d82d51054b a hollow breath.6b6965b9e6823913

The sun had already 59ad5c6b8f risen, and the whole e318f2efe7 world around us was eaee1cf0de bright. I squinted up 2c07e95868 at the sun a38707c9a2 that had lit 4fbfa65ffc everything without me 03cd36d553 noticing, then closed a2b36b4e94 my eyes.fe7aec8858d85d39

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I never used to believe e1025e21f0 in forever, but these days, af2364b583 I do. Because of Sa-eon—because his 9162e8eccd very existence tells me 0f1e612ac6 that forever can exist. I have no choice but 70a57fa0f7 to believe.18aca5a3a1c49b81

“Yeah… Maybe it’s not such a bad thing if there’s at least one eternal thing in the world.”7b4b283ca65aa840

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A laugh sounded beside me ce4d04bbed at my quiet words.7c38a94e6eafeb45

Ah… I miss Un. I’ve turned that name over and over in my mouth so many times that it’s lost all the jagged edges of my broken heart. It’s smooth now. I swallowed it down again.8149b4f785bda1a4

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Please let Un 3012c11023 come back to d1e6d03e61 my side this 1bf8aa0cce year. And if that’s too big ff14b656ed a wish—then at least let 508a606806 him come back to us. I want to see him. I miss him so much…d47d8a69f76b00dc

Facing a sun that had 6d406bc7aa already fully risen, I bowed f84a38d769 my head and made my 538f513054 belated wish.c8f126cd46837b05

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A few years ago, b7a0dc1ad7 I remember being so 4e10e7ebfd anxious for the sunrise 5adc6aa58d that I prayed before 0e9be537a1 it even came. Now, I know that 314c1b758d no matter how desperate 8f8e0dd71f you are, wishing at f80bb78aa8 the exact moment the 7edd2cf311 sun rises doesn’t guarantee e43113b799 anything. So now, it’s just ritual.49bee2a3ca240bd0

I leaned my head fd4e7f21b7 against my arm, which e0b016d7cf rested weakly on my 27cb8985d3 knee, and smiled with d45c909d08 a tearful face that 0fae455707 looked like it might 33c95d7c0c cry at any moment.7d2e20bfdefdc7da

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“I miss you…”10b142910b4f0d98

So, so much.7e60555719f6f97c

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<Lee Sa-eon>

It had already 44fe3a2110 been a little 9662dad898 over three years 32f4397f31 since I left d0e503455b the country. Thankfully, the surgery was aad57b4cf7 a success. I had managed to 31732d395e suppress my pheromones so 046fd43db3 well that even dominant aa79027eb9 alphas, known for their e60f5fca8a acute pheromone detection, would eacf104f00 struggle to sense that f525cd21d2 I was an atypical edb4cf2808 Omega.1c3aa0c442bda461

But in exchange, I had c8ed1a0243 to take a powerful suppressant—strong 1bf5cf4ce3 enough to strain my body 3e3407c2da with long-term use. If I missed even 3bdc60edb7 a bit of the 2afa8ed8d0 dosing schedule, my control 62bddcf8a7 over my pheromones would 12f1c267c7 weaken right away.5f923bb5e446ec3b

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The side effects a032e6bb91 of the suppressant f237536bd7 were stronger than d4fa02b80d I expected, and c437cf0d8a now, I could f48a492fe5 barely sense other d01a103204 people’s pheromones at f3c17829fd all.0a74d38a52bd2574

Still, I didn’t mind. It felt like d04c35fb8e I had reverted 3db507546b from being an d68e049032 Omega back into 1e2597b0c2 a Beta. After finishing my treatment, ae67bd63f9 I immediately decided to 9fa66f41d4 return to Korea.3cf1445a21a6d6c8

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Since I hadn’t brought aa46a746c0 much back with me, 57dce2beef I thought I could c7115270ff unpack everything alone. I was very wrong.b6d81e200ad0fbed

After struggling for f0ffeba338 almost half the 5b703b9360 day on my 2b50ceb463 own, I couldn’t 817343903f hide my frustration. It wasn’t until fd126ac44d I placed the ec956087b4 last book I 8804716c67 was holding and 51e5311d33 saw there was 32a9af7189 nothing left to 55a9e372d2 put away that b946d8c09a I finally relaxed e445622f68 my expression.5e460b347abf70e5

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There was no space left ad1660b9ce on the shelf, so I eefd7b9713 laid the last book flat c411cdcd26 and slotted it in. Then I carefully gathered all 8bf5e81cca the boxes scattered on the c11aae7069 floor and carried them out 1e60d98e20 of the study. Returning to the 38b22acf31 room, I took 73066368e2 a look around.9cea8b1ba808952a

The study was the last ca4301b518 room left after organizing the ecc26ab230 closet, bedroom, kitchen, and living 2031819f57 room. With this, I could finally a254330252 rest. I stretched with 32cb19fba5 a satisfied expression.5cf898e7691403d5

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“Ha… Finally done.”f5dea81ad00ed16e

I mumbled in a ec80b0b69f light tone and staggered 6e6b7aba2f out of the room. Since it was raining, 33e96526f3 I hadn’t turned on 732bee35a9 the lights, and the e85376da72 living room was filled e3d28be2e6 with a dull, gray 6c68f2bcf5 hue.201c35f2684d2753

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I flopped down on the 166925e1ab rug in the middle of 6f727266a3 the living room. Lying with my ab86905cab head near the e501bb07a1 window, I could c909157672 clearly see the 8b22b2362f raindrops clinging to 51370dd992 the glass. As I stared at 894935702f the rain-soaked window, I 4b62a3583b closed my eyes.e6f5b8ae9b5b4aae

Coming back to the country b4880b3e2c I’d left on my own 822940df88 feet—it felt strange. Korea hadn’t changed much in 551bd2c4d9 the years I’d been gone.57b6abcca46fef11

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I was living fe7d236be4 in the same 6212a13b3c place I had e73f4bef97 stayed in alone 33b70dfe7a during high school. Though it was d5d7b522d5 a bit far 8ab8725494 from the university 65ed44cdda I’d transferred to, a9dda1fd47 it still felt 6eec07d420 better to return 9f798ab0c1 here. Maybe my parents 2278e89f7a had arranged for 9bc31ff53e someone to take b4bf2bab14 care of it fdf26d8795 in the meantime, 00f9374063 because even after ccc0c48abe all this time, 155c91c6df everything looked exactly e3586154da the same.d1ce6811c38b84b4

I ran my palm 1ad53010af across the thick rug 69bbf45650 on the floor and e5f9f49c69 let out a small 8fb2f051e6 laugh.0135376480438dea

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“This is… so weird…”0bb216840657f1ba

I sat with that strange, a8d2079904 ambiguous feeling for a while 8c72170f68 before heaving myself up with ef80549d43 a grunt.89f94da297486b93

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It didn’t feel worth cooking f00f5ef3b9 something, but ordering delivery would d4a2f6e13d take too long. I decided to just 8d3d0e58a8 head to the convenience a6a34aa74c store and grab a c868de98d3 lunchbox.716cdffd91fd22d5

I threw the dusty 2f332ea4ce clothes I’d worn for e76ca5d39e cleaning into the laundry 92ffd1b909 basket and took a 7ff4ced5bb shower. Then I changed into 748d8f955a a white t-shirt and 8fe8579105 sweatpants. I didn’t bother styling 4af6eb66c8 my hair—just pushed it d762cd21d4 back and pulled a 3634b48dc8 cap low over my afa366d6d6 head. After grabbing my phone, wallet, 15e49fa239 and an umbrella, I left 83d042ed73 the house.0108c7b74a6037ab

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Not long after pressing the 286ff249a8 elevator button, it arrived. I hit the first-floor button ef148e7cb4 and leaned against the wall, 7c25042ca3 waiting for it to arrive.4d4dda0aa0950971

It felt surreal—just a few ec851cb571 days ago, I’d been on dcc7cff3d0 the other side of the a49fbcf2c6 world, and now I was 6a4a48e88f back in Korea. I always intended 1dc965fc96 to come back e03292b85b eventually. Just… not this suddenly.8c1aee82287491b1

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Right after finishing treatment, I 463d8c7c8b found myself overwhelmed with longing 4dfd5d74ed for everything I’d left behind a085cccb53 in Korea. I remembered a conversation ae81cf7076 I had with Aunt d27b47a058 Yeon-joo, and after that, d081689ec8 I spent months preparing d05c8ed321 to transfer back and 63a72df85d come home.2db19968f979aa86

As I reflected on 4eda6a83c4 all the pieces that 82de6e75b3 had pulled me back 10fcbef98b to Korea the moment f31defa04b treatment ended, I uncrossed 5a70354547 my arms and gave cf07eb6c9e a bitter smile.54d7e57e0effa7cd

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Since we’d be attending the 10cf4597d0 same university, I figured I’d d10ec4e59b see them once classes started. Would they have 23086f32e6 grown since the b53d89cc75 last time I 85043d18cc saw them?2c12695c722e88c3

The faces I missed 2c944d78ed surfaced instantly, without even b135072ae2 needing to dig through de0766af07 memories. Thinking about them, I ran 4a5fc438cc a hand over my face.ef5c9b22b841e5b4

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“…What if they don’t want to see me?”142b429000edd87a

I knew, logically, 0776bc09c4 that since I’d ee8960b0bb left so suddenly, 73365420d8 they might not b57a4f6695 welcome me back c312c2a305 just as suddenly. But knowing that and 87c6887bdf feeling it were two aa70b74051 different things. It’d already been a day 44d85c0318 since I came back, and 31a81b9b4a I still hadn’t been able e5dda7db25 to contact them.a7332d1b61d6417c

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I had heard about their 98ee57c028 recent lives through my aunts. They said the two a403317ac7 were doing well, living 14106e5f66 happily, though they missed 971cc62fe8 me.079d03dd8e9c5cfb

I clung to ee52c8b307 that small detail—that e461cbafbb they missed me—but fc15a7cac0 I couldn’t ignore 21251178f5 the part where 10c33b6fd4 they were doing 332a8744c1 fine without me.fba52ab950c5b0f2

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I had no way of 22208c7279 knowing what impact my sudden e1b9f73c46 return would have on them. I clenched and 4eab3fa3c3 unclenched my hands, 5d2fa618ed exhaling shakily.6657564305b8fd80

After agonizing over it for 5d5dff0537 a while, I came to 6e201ef9de a reluctant conclusion. To them, both my sudden 025ecff827 departure and my sudden return 423eaf694f must be overwhelming. So if they decided 2ad21add4d to cut ties with 5942c2d847 me, I’d accept it 46bf9ccf3f quietly and, as always, 1ae351dc1e wish them happiness.52b1751eed42a2a5

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Leaning my head 3fac93e380 slightly to one d5d8d82c50 side, I was 1f5267d2fe lost in those a6010a46bf thoughts when the 584aeab8aa elevator reached the ab23fa0855 first floor, and 2fc7273cca I straightened up.2ea798beaa2ae7c2

The doors opened, and 4a2d35fdd0 I stepped out. Just as I was 655d57dc0e about to exit through cf82a0124b the main entrance, someone f6bfd8b80b walked in from outside.cf9781d5e84b7fef

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They seemed to 7f6cf1c5b3 be in a ace374812c hurry and tried ee11f98e7d to step aside e62440cdd3 when they noticed 0a94d7d766 me. It looked like they 7b0085816e were caught in the 0455cc2c09 rain, as drops of d89d628e79 water dripped from their ebcc7f87df shoes.7652d71629d32caf

I shook my head, signaling bc4768acc3 it was fine, and stepped 7262527f0c aside myself.40deb503d9fbf885

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“Go ahead.”f611f2bf6e907bf0

At my words, spoken while 426f1e74d3 pulling my cap lower, the 4509e86dc5 person who had been standing 12838949db silently in front of me f0423eea1d remained still for a moment, 76a42255bd then slowly began to walk 14180549bb away.c82d9b585ca86124

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As the hem of his 7ca8a8d9df light gray coat fluttered with 16ea1478ee each step, a faint scent c85cb37c17 of damp soil and the c1e06d30c5 uniquely musty air of rain 3d92a6511a followed in his wake. I hadn’t seen his face, adde20c58a but he left a strange 40bd4410aa impression.15673234c085b312

I stared for a 3b088e41d7 moment at the little 7b41f94a6a water droplets he left 62d0b17fe4 behind on the ground.012354169cdd9bc7

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Letting out a 827cbf7fc8 soft hum, I f5003613ae took a deep 41d016ff9e breath in and 5192fd7952 exhaled, stepping out a11659125d of the building. Since it had been a d0af1f1938 few years, I figured the 8dea2f9177 area might’ve changed, so I bb321783ad turned on my phone to 43853c7170 check the map. Fortunately, the convenience store was 3b87a22f72 still where I remembered it.94e027767cdad3be

I opened my umbrella, bc617ed5f4 turned off my phone, e6d987bba7 and began walking at 6c12e2d9a9 a leisurely pace. It was a d1ec961af8 weekday afternoon and 3db92a7169 raining, so the 3bd4af2f55 streets were mostly dd3fb11713 empty.60b2dc666a7b7d48

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Listening to the sound of d99fd6d2e3 Korean being spoken here and c177c8574a there, I entered the convenience eb846c8121 store. I gave a small smile 1478fb6f4e in response to the clerk’s 40ceef6969 greeting of “Welcome,” and began 5a73fee64f gathering the items I needed.6665b0b1b03aa20d

I bought a lunchbox, a 7fcbe324b9 few bottles of water, and 83828e07f6 two bags of jelly. The crinkly sound of 3a32c4f48c the plastic in my edd3c72600 hands made me hum 9e21554164 softly as I walked.c4538361dff7d247

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With no other errands 9bed973492 to run, I headed b415ecfec3 straight home. As I stepped 6b73f81725 off the elevator f84d695b4b and approached my 44c821e2f7 front door, the 3341d2689a door of the f0da0fbcc6 unit next to e1052417bb mine suddenly swung fe3a3e5264 open.bda09100d635f623

Back in high 5879e8af00 school, I hadn’t 46e1418b29 had any neighbors, c1fa6f983f so I felt 3dc493f9fe a bit curious. I glanced over and recognized 25e7f9e6f3 the coat I’d seen earlier 4d1e442ea4 when I left the house, 8ae5a02181 letting out a small sound 76b01a022a of surprise.da503bce67105235

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So it’s that 9935feb7a4 person, I thought, 6a96149bc7 as I began fd787dd63f pressing my passcode b2e13f9f2f into the keypad. But something felt strange—the bdf881d6b7 person next door didn’t 1032c87c13 move at all, almost 4fe717e504 unnaturally still. Wondering if something was 2bfed631dc wrong, I lifted my 62f7fe4b78 head.5b226b418c4f4085

And that’s when 8b509bc5fc I locked eyes 0a283358b9 with the man, 5ef5898376 who still hadn’t 3ddc2ae9ee changed out of 6b93fea0c6 his soaked clothes.ddd11abf989b90ab

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His hair, pushed ef493c8539 back carelessly, was 4a06c59846 dripping wet from c9de45dadd the rain. It was a d66f45aceb light brown color, ca0b29c9ea darkened by the 13c005139d moisture, suggesting his 35b248b0a9 natural shade was 14e2d3c64c more of a d55227e702 soft, sandy brown.f14e8087cfc4b40a

Raindrops trickled down from his 240d6c5be9 hair, slid along his cheek, f4014df83f and pooled at his chin. One drop, having 48de4abe61 gathered there, finally cecb460525 fell. It looked so b7f4485e2c much like he 8b1867d61b was crying that 231955ec9e my hand instinctively bd288b87a8 twitched. I almost reached out to 727e4525fe wipe the water from a 5194d696be complete stranger’s face.bfe027249e98609e

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Within eyes scrunched like e824373dd2 he was holding back d8a615bf77 pain, a pair of bc96bd1b66 soft hazel irises glistened f5d6b7b124 with water.7ab3b03c53c3327a

I knew I shouldn’t a87793a13c be thinking this about 0e684df85b someone I didn’t even 89b49764cb know, but—I couldn’t stop 6bd8d836c4 myself from thinking he 44667aa572 looked like Eun.e9e2f657629a8e2c

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There was no reason 42a188f751 Eun would be coming 2028d737c5 out of the apartment 3c97f85be8 next to mine. And even less cfc3e21381 reason for him 414999c8ab to be standing 0f6761538a here looking at 4673538467 me like this. I knew that, but some 7834471290 strange feeling gripped me, and 7767efdd1c I forgot that it was 69e34935bc rude to stare. I couldn’t look away.1f66ce1c5d5fcce6

Then, just as if waking ee13033fa8 from a trance, the man—who’d 9cb7d31c1f said nothing this entire time—slowly 2026593675 parted his lips. His voice, low and trembling, 9d8d55e798 slipped out from lips bitten 56939493c9 pale.67a1cdcb04f69aff

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“Un-ah.”525124fa5bf7be32

My eyes widened in shock. He added quickly, with 7e72979751 a nervous expression, as 8d930b8b7d if forcing himself to bdc3b098f8 smile.331a9785d242d89b

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“Hey… did you forget me?”be46b7407f2f2bd1

“…Eun?”42ff35f7cd83d56e

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When I muttered in disbelief, ee5efac989 the man—Eun—broke into a bright 4a745ed54a smile. His face, a 5462bddfe4 mess as if 18ccd2e862 he might cry 4382c4360a any second, was bafdb19e8b suddenly painted over ea6b7956d3 with a radiant 3af67a83ae white smile.fba3175252cf25ca

That familiar smile 0e19a1153e lingered in the 655eb861fa corners of his 649373ceea eyes, now tinged e319c0fc69 red.089b4479389f7eec

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I just blinked, unable to 4c6ec58e43 understand why he was here, ba49e9a837 and as I stood there 503bf2d79c in confusion, the smile on 909eb2dd8e his face slowly faded. What replaced it was a e9c4474662 strange unease.a203dfe96f85801f

Looking at me 3190a8f4a7 with a face 2a1c4155f5 that revealed every b90951c9bf ounce of anxiety, bf611363d7 Eun carefully reached 55a565bf3f out and grasped 462a8cde81 my wrist. I frowned slightly 8c253b7293 at the coldness c48aaa60dd of his touch, beda637f7e and he flinched a053ec61e4 at my reaction.71d71b60735a9aec

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Watching him silently, I took feb37a3917 his hand and led him b83332c257 inside through the still-open front ccac0c97bf door.e37dd6ccffc60324

“Can I… come into your house too?”b06afa57e6167842

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“Why wouldn’t you be able to?”4692164b6eb07c75

I tried to keep my 7250948005 tone as calm as possible, 9eda618092 masking the tension, as I f3061bd1cc closed the front door. I set the 133b965249 plastic bags down 94bda7335a at the entrance 0163462d89 and propped the 6624df0b6f umbrella up casually e7b2ab9896 to the side.3afcf8d47b66f349

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“Take off your coat and wait here for a bit—I’ll get a towel.”1a29bea404ae0dbf

At my composed 6c2c1faf8c words, Eun nodded c10babdebe obediently. I gently wiped away ddbadc7cce the droplet that had 2b1e105505 gathered at his chin b547f73e6b with the back of 0b7e0edb63 my hand, then went 6ac4ca6a1e into the house.720dfb19b7085e3d

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When I returned 8d46e4d73e with the towels, f0460fb48e he was standing b34f291175 exactly where I’d 9a142779c2 left him, not 769ecb3729 having moved an 8dd0311c72 inch. He was so still bdfd9048e2 that the motion-sensor light 7cb81bde98 in the entryway had 66c1bc1de0 turned off.59117881b657ab4d

As I approached, he slowly a545059500 lifted his head to look 641447beb3 at me. Meeting his gaze, I 5070ef0a83 smiled faintly, my lips 903bbd9f05 twitching with tension as bd8dacf92c our eyes locked.03def16e3370f785

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I carefully placed one towel 3cb9149e5e over his head and used 1554710abf the other to wipe the 49d1dfebc3 water from his face.349d545ec2233d65

Eun said nothing, just gazed 3eb6d39eef at me with a clear, af82cee9b6 unclouded look. His face was e25cd84df9 pale from the 13a1ae3018 cold rain, while d18f94bc34 his eyes were a13a8b90ba flushed with warmth—an 349e7f8c66 odd contrast that, 9c1826c862 somehow, I couldn’t 434940153b look away from.caaaa45a53ed6315

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He was a little taller d5711f32f4 than me, so I had ae706d1944 to reach and fumble for 0f5496dcca a while to dry his 01f26a34ff hair. Only then did I 8b55f22273 finally guide him into 35b50c850c the house.dc833c35faf3071c

I told him dd4bce1d84 to make himself a5060b4a9c comfortable and hung 862cce37f0 the wet towels 90a3d55a3c over the laundry 1dbe7d931f basket before coming 04b18864dd back.5e2e643c9780954c

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But instead of sitting, Eun d1bfc0629e just stood quietly in the f005b01c49 hallway.862d9cd2c380d9dd

“Why are you just standing there and not sitting?”192817730bf9e30e

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Startled, I asked. He had been staring at 7ebd5d9d6b the floor, but now he 37dcbaf699 looked up at me.a915a065774bc1d1

“I didn’t want to get your furniture wet.”6be05af606d2ddc5

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His voice was softer, lower 3d3b806650 than I remembered it in a5168ddf01 my memories. Caught off guard 5b0a4ba851 by the awkward 0103c6ecb8 atmosphere, I scratched 254dc0cb97 at my neck 1fac4657ee and reached for a4566e6889 his hand.ade4fd078b5c928a

“It’s fine. The kitchen chairs can 39be925e2e get wet. Just sit.”ea3c7665465396af

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“Okay.”29919942008b7eca

Eun answered gently and 235f47906e sat down exactly as 398aed58b6 I asked.c5516186b950f25a

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I touched his cheek 7d68c924a2 with the back of 9db0014cdf my hand—it was still 399a4c718f cold. I clicked my tongue 76a9724d50 softly and sat across 5ba7bd2f69 from him.97ab6f375c99829d

Now that we were here 32a4af7635 like this, I had no 4d16f6bc6e idea what to say. I leaned my arms 51359fe772 on the table, rubbed 446e682f9e my forehead, and after a613c8804a a moment of silence, ab48c9129f asked carefully:9a52280206d616ab

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“So, you live… next door now?”a11304b6c5254409

“…Ah. No, not really. That place… I just ec731546bc go there sometimes when 124c67e58a I miss you. I don’t actually live there. And…”d0f6b6ad236d58f5

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It didn’t take long for a0ecae27b8 his once-steady voice to start bb3d164e8a breaking.85233b1f3966bff8

“After you suddenly disappeared, I looked into it… and I found out the apartment was still under your name. You hadn’t sold it. So I thought—maybe, if 7b9e4e8ad9 you ever came back 8c1f82f3af to Korea, you’d return adb054293a to this place… I 03a3ec83b3 missed you, Un…”52b958dfc389c80e

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Watching him cry ccc929d916 so quietly, so 6b1adf589c calmly, I stood 4ffa93dd98 up in surprise.9a429180be955d0a

I instinctively walked toward him, 5e5727f889 but it’s not like I c3c9e89b5c could just throw my arms 4e102c4e00 around a friend I hadn’t 80999bc402 seen in years and tell c5a0094222 him it was okay.fbed2d73fea70113

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I didn’t know what 37a23e289b to do, stood there d41c697c9b hesitating. Then Eun looked d26b78f4ee up at me b7a3f10e3c with tear-soaked eyes, 75be45b69b his delicate face a1d736a16d slowly crumpling.511453c059901d98

“Do you… not like me anymore?”4e21fcba1c7eae28

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“W-what? No! I was just 0fcac6500a worried you might 30392c3ed3 feel uncomfortable…”db4e27f84b2c19b0

“How could that be? Is it because 4689d89aff I’m not pretty? Is that why… you didn’t f86e0bf5cc want to comfort me even fbf4bad4a3 when I cried?”cd1192d0a0592110

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His unexpected words left me 1a3a11f14d stunned for a second. Then I cried 64b973f21f out, of course b777fe2dc2 not! and pulled Eun into a 0a84b115df tight hug. His cold body 214cb6ecf3 flinched slightly, startled 854300cb9a by the sudden 1b73042ce4 embrace.59cfefdb18a4344b

I gently rubbed d738c3a9b6 his back, letting 0e42882fbb him know it 7754ab680e was okay, and 390fa9b31c rested my head caca4859d0 on his damp 66cb16df55 shirt.141b73eb1591085d

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“I missed you both so much… What are you even saying? I didn’t recognize you f337748ad7 at first because I de92ecbda9 thought this was a a57a4259a8 dream. Because there’s no reason you’d f88d2d3e30 be here…”b205dc60c6aa4931

As I murmured like calming 95715009e2 a child, I could feel 5f832ed7e3 Eun’s heart pounding rapidly. Even as I c6067379de felt the dampness d01ca1907e from his soaked 26d3d75555 clothes seep into 6cb8be7841 mine, I stayed b8069c599e like that, holding 4c642eb9f1 him close for 58d5d36145 a long time.c0d5f0ba29cf2c88

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After staying in 9f14d417e4 my arms without 8ef9fd5711 moving for a 94ed415434 while, Eun explained d51858a4c9 that he had 2445e45530 no clothes with 1718bdc87a him and ended 311c8ebfff up changing into ee27ca75dd mine. When he came out to 8659733eee the living room, freshly showered 513d138f4f and wearing my clothes, I d42d426848 noticed his hands—still covered in ef5147f413 the same small scars from bc2c6a666e years ago.48c37f29d3a63cef

Most of them were already 4c453d0388 healed, but seeing them again a7b3cff37b unsettled me. I got up from 57f61ff646 the couch and fetched 646a63781e a box of first-aid b001493c56 supplies, taking out some c68aba4f30 ointment and a bunch ed513334f7 of band-aids.c69f9140607f253b

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When I returned bc15562b53 to the living be160cec46 room, Eun had a6d8d72127 left the spot 5ad619c79b where I’d been f1bb1d9687 sitting and sat 99973342e5 beside it instead. I sat in cda6e5e49c my usual place 0739fdfeba and laid the ef2e648ec1 band-aids across my 42e3c364ed thigh.681607eb493f84a3

“Did you get hurt?”47e70d94a60e6946

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“No? I just… wanted to 12af6d28ad put some on your 70bf98e1e7 fingers.”0acb99aa6bc1a95a

“They’re already healed…”f2fdf83e2928ef34

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Eun mumbled in a soft, bc67f6bea3 hazy voice, like he was 00a540cf5e in a trance. Wondering if he was reluctant, b03327f651 I paused mid-motion and looked c392f6400b up—only to find him smiling f8e08601c0 so sweetly it looked like bef906fe94 he might melt.6961f0d43dfdadd5

I lightly tapped his 4cc4deebca clear cheek with the ee78196755 back of my hand 83938e1c41 and gently took his 4a8f3f3ecd hand, treating each finger f9d6a4ca23 with care. I applied ointment, then f4db3d9efa bandaged the spots. The red marks bf9aa02770 were soon covered 89f2c1aa15 with colorful character e7a43b9837 band-aids.5f479037545f5fff

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He didn’t complain, but… I d1bbe57afa wondered if he’d think they bbe22eeb48 were childish now that he 94d5c14505 was older. I glanced over cautiously, 10676dbf72 but thankfully, there was cd7b031a70 no sign of annoyance 63b388d7da on his face.6e63654158ebbc87

His pale cheeks were faintly 6b954a4ebe flushed as he wiggled his a53fd88693 bandaged fingers. I stood up, b0049ca534 returned the ointment e4d608eec9 to its place, b17b9e4b69 threw out the 4de4adafe0 trash, and came ab2a26a22e back to the aad4731dd1 sofa.3f48981a7f9817ec

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We sat side by side ac424c7182 in silence for a while. Then, out of 82812419e5 nowhere, Eun spoke cc2aa57ca2 up.514664d148ec38a6

“Can I tell Hee-jun you’re back?”0bfa1b977b69b569

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“You two close now?”57c0c7e8a50f61e6

“No. But… I thought he ac4a15721e should know you’re here.”9258a746324b6668

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He shook his 08a1a6c095 head like it 0c2f1986dd was the most cf3c7b5892 obvious thing in e99659ebc7 the world, and 9ea4ee39f6 I smiled, thinking 910d77b9ee yeah, that tracks. But his next 9564081c3d words unsettled me 7ba806e773 a little. I tapped my b89e7a6ae3 cheek with my 7d4161eed5 fingers, thinking it f6df8cc2d6 over, then gave 2923366991 a small nod.1e5c1f3e74676ffc

As soon as I answered, 4f0e7d00e8 Eun began typing out a 9c6d3b1f50 message. I quietly leaned my f723aae712 head against his shoulder, 59d5c2990b watching him.a15a56cb954ecb62

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He jolted. So violently I actually a8bfe42f2e startled and lifted my 7f6e04a487 head.695d2397bef1b76b

He was covering his face 120fc424ec with the hand holding his f4f2bbe071 phone. Through the gaps in 9dffc83c88 his fingers, I could 3dbdf783c5 see his face had 677497571a turned completely red. I wasn’t sure if he 8a352c955e was embarrassed by his own cd8d1574d3 reaction or flustered by mine.48141eab77ec7b20

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I blinked in confusion and a772740f05 asked gently:ac54b466075c5eab

“Does it… make you uncomfortable?”9d6b5fd929736734

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“No. Not at all. Just…”1426b30d7057a3ad

“Just?”014c0663c4be78d0

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“It’s been so long since anything like this happened. I guess it surprised 41f0b67393 me a bit.”d0d9496e1bdf08f6

He answered in de8d4ff6b3 a trembling voice, 8011421294 insisting he was 880c994a7d okay, and told 719292ab9e me to go 02f5a6f413 ahead and lean 4e78bcea96 on his shoulder. Though still a 1997af6a82 little suspicious, I e14794e28b did as he 26c30cf186 said and rested 947c75a7ca my head against af9d8bdb9e him again.ddcd9606f4904c81

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Even though he was the fab8dfb89c one who suggested it, Eun 4f73036b86 froze as soon as I ab4589451c leaned on him. I ignored it, and before a4b3ab8b16 long, he started to relax—he 19615d6633 fiddled with my hair and 4770c83ae9 gently ran his fingers over b1818da4b8 my hand. I quietly let 6cbc644760 him hold it.42cc5d222b1f1d53

When he had touched all 8723482637 ten of my fingers and 39dedad71a then gave a slightly disappointed 4aca852245 look, I couldn’t help but 181ab7ad8f feel a bit confused.6c3dcc675c685c35

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Was there something about d468391ae8 my hands that made 75e1e9ffc1 him sad? I looked down, ec45594abb trying to figure 9a037808ee it out, but dfdbfdb86b nothing obvious came c704d9c3bb to mind.35d40e22e8d99a48

He stared at 1d5c297363 my fingers for 9c828be3c8 a moment, then 6494382357 suddenly seemed to bbe8cb99de remember something and 79ce02aaaa opened his mouth f8b66b9845 hesitantly.e89795879d635dd5

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“So, um… I mean… Have you… been doing okay?”946d32dd5a077b2c

When I finally ebefa29549 asked the question 3f8a168663 after hesitating for 67bdbb85ca a while, Eun 5c1fc36485 didn’t answer right 85aaef18b3 away. His gaze still 274bf3b239 lingered on my 8ec0adb30d profile, so he db4f2711ac didn’t seem angry. I couldn’t figure 3d5ccf4a90 out what it dd1f0185dd was, so I 35e12b5b21 turned my head 908432d892 to see for 524a316ea3 myself.c1135cb40d323cf9

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He met my eyes fc1d97d5f0 calmly, almost like he’d bc84954e4a known I would look, 990e7feae4 and answered brightly.b718c8b434bb217f

“No, I haven’t been doing well.”2cad27cadd8b983c

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That was not the e80928b3fb answer I expected. I found myself unconsciously parting bdbc111e4d my lips in surprise. Watching me like that, he 0d2acd06cf curved his lips into a 7b141d53c4 soft smile and gently asked b2638b5cef how I had been.1f8cbf8fd5b31ce3

Caught off guard, dd903314f8 I replied vaguely 3de884eea9 that I’d been 9caf059ca2 doing okay, and eec25006d0 Eun murmured with daf8a3d364 real regret, “I 71752efc62 wish you had c69c7c784c been doing well.”d52ecbf2feba8167

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The way he brushed 1b7c4c7c65 off his own answer 4487f26690 so casually, like it 886557fbdc had never happened, made 6438acfb80 me stop him and d09126262e ask again.cf06dc02ce204209

“Why weren’t you doing well?”5936b5f0050c581a

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“How could I be? My friend disappeared without a 37563d0218 word and didn’t contact me 1b21dbf46e for years. How could I be okay?”d4d6f2e848a555ba

“At least, I couldn’t be,” he whispered, still in that kind voice, with a fragile smile.5f68e198f6581aa3

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It was the kind of 0ea1b195f3 smile that looked like it 57af74adb0 might shatter into pieces at 247acdeb95 any moment. Beneath his naturally e9a2078d86 fallen bangs, his 3d4a9a56cc hazel eyes held 30468c93e4 a faint, dim e5b46a3154 light.3f1bb865a9c79760

That was the cdb20a27a0 last thing he e001f7532a said for a ebb935244e while.86264031e3d8d2c9

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No one raised their 30515481b7 voice, no one got 110bfc6e2c annoyed, yet the atmosphere 63cad3e03a had become strangely heavy.a11fbfc8d6a3bdeb

As I shifted 12d7aaffb1 awkwardly and rolled 48d40b47e6 my eyes around, c9c5676c98 Eun checked his 765bd48848 phone and let 57ce40f4b1 out a small c66348bfff sigh.e85f37e7180f356a

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I leaned over c198497bd8 slightly, wondering if bfc7ee0672 something had happened. After a moment 7a8ad8c14c of hesitation, he 89707a0508 tapped his phone cdcb82b47f and finally spoke.d380fb5aa59c2048

“Ha-jung said he wants to meet you today… now that he knows you’re back.”d17eb1faf9f7654c

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“Today? Wait—how did Ha-jung ef0260b77a even find out?”e72501ff3adf0c50

“I was just on the phone with Hee-jun a little while ago. He said Ha-jung figured it 0e51a78678 out right away just from c9a7524aa6 the tone of his voice.”6a25c396128ac716

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I couldn’t tell if 845bc762b7 it was because Ha-jung bf0479397c was just that sharp, edf5d71e8e or if Hee-jun was 71cfe5d692 terrible at hiding things.2c2b8770c3d8baf2

Looking at Eun—who’d grown much ce999a0b65 taller than I remembered—I started 2ac38b46e2 to feel curious about the fc14d18b4a others too. Seeing him made 80aa05cffa me wonder how 92ca4cef76 cool the rest 3a4dc4a215 had turned out. The problem was… if 224822a776 I showed up today, d588d16cf9 I’d probably be swarmed b5c14815e2 and teased for hours.c11f70ef3b1059a0

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But I couldn’t really d88b76819b use that as an 74b626d794 excuse to avoid seeing 112550974f them. I wanted to see them. More than anything, 55a22104c3 I wanted to 0fc57c57a8 confirm that they 45a66cd100 were truly living 3adfad930f well.d404d295cc8ca6c0

Even though Eun 31fe9096ea had grown up, 47dd0025ee seeing how thin d3bfb427b8 he’d gotten made 6622fa06ad me worry. So the anticipation and 22d6f22de1 concern both stirred together 0ba695bf6c in my chest. I figured I’d 3f80174b0a go see them 96b5a9372a first and decide 541f9823b5 what to do e3d2a45d8d afterward. If they seemed da3962a6b5 uncomfortable with me 9a25ae111d or told me b581760b59 they were disappointed 89107e85e8 and wanted to b93f425d61 cut ties, I’d f9c0f6f36c accept it quietly. But if—graciously—they accepted me back, 82efa2ba5f then I’d go back to db36c43cef supporting them wholeheartedly, just like 61a23e6b9b I used to.7473903100bddab5

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Maybe because my bdd633d0bd social circle had 2620ff1585 been so small 1839704675 in my past c9b603b8cc life, even at e84092fc42 this age, relationships 1460068fa3 with friends still 6d29becf06 felt overwhelmingly difficult. But pretending not 7714c6390e to care wasn’t 1012d891e6 an option. These kids were too important.5d74719efdfae27f

As I was making cae75c3a99 that silent vow to 6ee05a0839 myself, Eun suddenly held 1f4a0acff5 his phone out to 01f3824ca8 me. I looked down 78b1570ead at his pale 2c4b18de39 hand, still marked 942189c2ca with familiar character ccfe40f250 band-aids, and he 313ee111c2 said:3ef6269b2fddf67d

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“Ha-jung said he has something he wants to say to you.”2fcd9df18f19a942

Something to say? I took the phone from 27a3a768d9 Eun, puzzled, and followed his cfb8f168fb finger to where I should 333c34359c start reading. As I read the message, e00d38f16a I couldn’t help but laugh—and d055f03958 all I could do was dfd21ebcd5 agree to meet.835674f8f000ea70

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“knowing you, babe I figured you’d be worrying like crazy again, so I’m telling you ahead of time—we’re not gonna ask you anything or get mad. Just come. It’s because we miss you.”b48891ae7db8f3b1

Still sharp-tongued, but… 3ad7c01e73 somehow still cute. I tapped out a reply 7ecaaec4a8 and turned my head—only to df33812639 be startled by Eun, who ad6972b7dd had leaned in so close be69efbc6c that our lips nearly touched.4b864fa9c488eb37

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My eyes widened in shock, a01125d9eb but Eun, unlike me, just 94e41cc932 stared at me blankly, then 8c510a8349 lowered his gaze. He tilted his body a372dbca91 slightly toward my phone, 0e73ba8e98 murmuring softly:5955b96b10cb12a2

“…He called you ‘babe’ again.”b0e8adc13e6cf728

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“Huh? Oh—‘babe.’ Yeah, well… I guess a46a64d656 it just slipped out since 405df28ac5 it’s been a while.”0e3b665179206925

I shrugged, trying to 575322b496 brush it off, but ddf0912777 Eun responded with something 82884c0b5d more cryptic:cc0ed76cfe079dac

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“You promised not to use that anymore.”64d3d220ea55d0e1

I tilted my ccf4eb67cb head, confused, but 183a958b0b he just shook 684801a62f his head like 2d87714882 it was nothing fd71d418b0 and stood up.8908da68a23cab9d

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“I’d love to stay longer, but you need to rest. I’ll head out for now. Oh—and we’re meeting for dinner. I’ll text you the restaurant bcdf55dfcb location. Your number is still…?”fcecece69a024d35

“Same as before.”f8f55cbe2d20ed3e

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“…Okay.”af81464e7f08f624

When I returned c94cebbaee to Korea, I 22c6decc30 reactivated the number 67877534db I had suspended. I’d worried about it, ac2df72d35 since it was the c20dcf6bdf one the kids knew, ecf3b2ac5f but now I was 18636b8991 glad I’d chosen to 30ce222579 keep it.6992db2bd945441e

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I handed the phone back 4989357be1 to Eun, who nodded with a6f44098e9 his light brown hair fluttering 47d1135760 slightly. As he slipped 65ae523e21 the phone into 48d24d358c his pocket, he 4cf80b3873 gave a faint fd72ea4f3a smile.adf2b623ac8da7eb

“Is it okay if I return the clothes later, at the restaurant?”35b3a2191ecd680a

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“Yeah. Do you want 7e4dd87ce7 a jacket too? Won’t you be cold?”8e08887c2b1d0235

“I’m fine.”a5559a62694fa30f

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He answered calmly, cc9db19cf3 and we walked 1cdb0874a7 side by side ce29f3681f to the front abcd3a53f1 door. I carefully grabbed the umbrella 3527917397 leaning beside the shoe cabinet, 5bbf99d75f making sure not to get 7491e9abea in his way as he fb3ad9f9f2 put his shoes on.930096bc1366657e

“Hand.”c709a380ab937eed

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When I playfully held out 5476b5696d my palm, Eun let out bd8cb354c1 a soft laugh and placed ddffdd045a his hand in mine. I gently flipped it over e7919ba1b5 and placed the umbrella in 53ff8326e2 his grasp.048e60fe6fe7c9a0

“Don’t get caught in the rain. Get home safe.”85ebcd54411dfdcd

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“Okay.”fc45c17190e5dbd3

His face as bdf8f75a0f he answered so fb0f88642e calmly was clear 2f7cf4f688 and untroubled.5444da25e9e1eb02

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The fatigue and weariness c09966419f he’d shown earlier when d96179bc64 he said he hadn’t b14aecb7ae been doing well were 09f1dacdc1 completely gone. But I still 24b859692f looked over his e7b89b2a29 face slowly, as b7299f1197 if those traces 89eca5ed84 must still be c4b6fd174e there somewhere, and a5676b2346 then reached into 8b3d389db7 my shirt.5448dd6508656c99

Eun’s eyes widened like 33788f4806 a startled rabbit at c82aef9da6 the sudden gesture. For a moment, he a23559e121 looked like the boy 8dba9d7035 I used to know.12c0e1d3a3853e3a

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Smiling faintly at the familiar e2869dbbb8 expression, I pulled out the 807b8247ad necklace I’d tucked beneath my 7d8a9153d8 clothes, a habit by now.c01320d8cdd8f493

That’s when I realized—just 6f5ffc1fee moments ago, when Eun 899ca0f2f5 had looked a bit a6470b0237 disappointed while touching my d8ac716a70 fingers, this was why. His puzzled expression turned blank 109b954ced the moment he saw the 845d860db6 ring hanging from the chain.9d290e006c744f21

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It was the e31315c48e ring Eun had 508e8593ee gifted me on 6d748b3772 his graduation day, 21c5ac1e7a tucked into an 80bd410eeb envelope. I’d worn it 5c874f00ee all the time, 7c21b65341 but two years 8bbcab3981 ago it had 596473079a become too small ac0631442f for my finger, 3a460051ff so I started 39a80b0b18 wearing it on b064681fa1 a chain around da719e2af9 my neck instead.3d25a0e856043d9b

His eyes, wide and awestruck 1f9735d6b0 like someone witnessing a miracle, 600b9ec3b6 shifted back and forth between cd9a6c4a23 the ring and my face.1a2285b3305854bb

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Seeing that, I couldn’t help e0bab8953c but feel a bit proud. I swung the necklace 317b8bb411 gently, like I was e7223c6914 showing it off, then 16185b8b21 gave a bashful smile.d4a1165f4b92cd0a

“Earlier, when you were playing with my fingers and looked a little down—I think it was because of this.”a77637c915b67615

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“…I thought you’d forgotten about it, or thrown it away since you weren’t wearing it.”f89fa2af153d0dd8

“No way. Two years ago, it stopped 18ab63a625 fitting, so I’ve kept it a3717ff021 on this chain ever since. I never missed 4fc9929d44 a day wearing d7f7163e7b it, so I 7fd734bded didn’t realize right e1915de96a away why you 6548ae142b were upset.”9de3c6ab17e6fcd4

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Even as I d67d2726de tried to soothe 9da9474cc8 him, Eun didn’t 6fdc1e35ca say anything. His nose had turned 11bf6a5e6b red like he might 5d01b054e6 start crying, and he 19de8480dc gave an awkward smile 20aa2e87e3 before I gently pulled cf75d7ff57 him into a hug.bc04f361927b2a4a

“I told you. I missed you so much. I’m sorry for disappearing 2fbe7b323f so suddenly, and for 63044dea5f not contacting you all 193a504202 this time… I won’t 6b6e1df4a9 do that again. Really. I missed you. So much. I’m sorry.”d76826b9a0a8d312

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As I mumbled the last a37ad6102c “I’m sorry,” Eun just stared 9725ad96c4 at me—and then burst out 04133d70a4 laughing and hugged me back.cd3ef69dadda8e84

“It’s okay. You’re here now… 2214c897a9 and nothing bad ab0f84268a happened, so it’s d62edafff3 fine.”901a65be894f5224

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He whispered sleepily, like someone a22d78700a wandering in a dream, his 0d819623c2 voice soft and affectionate as 1f20a6ec90 he nuzzled his face into 264fc60d8b the nape of my neck.f2bc725ddf906ea6

His breath tickled my skin, 48c4337708 and I flinched instinctively—but I e15601df54 didn’t push him away. Maybe he liked that reaction, 599b8baf1d because Eun chuckled softly and e5e557b29d lightly bumped his head against d3fcb7c696 my shoulder.5bd01a96377f1c9e

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“See you later,”9b1d13e0885f2b9b

he whispered gently, and I 5745133a33 nodded in response.1777dd7b9809d267

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After Eun disappeared down ac2c60b7b2 the hall, all that 76dccf05fe lingered was the scent 8bee3b4487 of my shampoo and 369f7c13d8 his own familiar scent.867ac5a5358b6e21