DWWWB Ch 7 part 1

A love I loved to death eventually died.

As the new semester began, I was busy with my studies, and he was busy with his training. In November of that year, a big event for cyclists was scheduled in Korea. The Tour de France world tour program was to be held in South Korea to commemorate the establishment of diplomatic relations between South Korea and France.

The event was also scheduled to feature the overall winner of this year’s Tour de France. The course, which starts at the Olympic Park, passes through Joongmi Mountain, and returns to the Olympic Park, is 130 km long. Although it was an amateur event, many professionals were participating, and he was one of them.

He truly only rode bikes. He rode more than 100 km a day and never missed indoor training even on rainy days. As a result, he surprisingly won first place in the overall lap time at the L’Etape du Tour de France in Korea. Before this, he was relatively unknown, but he also won the official Tour de France white jersey, which was given to the player who wins first place in the overall lap time among players under the age of twenty-five.

“Birthday present.”

Within the past two months, we shared a few meals and kissed a few times.

After the start of the new semester, that was all we did on our dates.

I held the jersey he received with tears in my eyes. My heart was full of joy because I could hold the result of his hard work in my hands and rejoice with him.

“But is it okay for you to give this to me? This is like the first trophy you’ve ever received.”

“That’s why I’m giving it to you.”

In the early stages of our relationship, when I should have been happy to death, I was a little hurt because we had to be apart. The white jersey made up for that. And his pretty words as he gave me something meaningful made my heart flutter.

“What if your parents are upset? This is the first award their son has ever received. Shouldn’t you frame it and hang it in your house?”

I asked as I held the T-shirt to my chest. I didn’t think I could give it to his parents even if they asked, but I still said the words anyway. I didn’t want him to become an unfilial son because of me, but still…

“I thought you’d treasure it more.”

He answered in a curt voice. It sounded like he was trying to comfort me, so I smiled and nodded.

That day, we went to a hotel in downtown Seoul, played with each other by smearing white whipped cream from a cake on each others’ bodies, and then headed to bed. In the morning, I wore the white jersey he gave me and had sex on top of him for the very first time.

And we didn’t see each other for a month after that. Christmas was no different. New Years was the same. We couldn’t meet often, but that made the heart grow fonder. I was proud of myself for having a healthy relationship where both of us were working hard to live our lives.

“I think I’ll have to take a break from school this semester.”

He had barely managed to attend classes last semester. The thought of not being able to see him at school made my heart feel a little empty inside.

“Then where are you going to train? Not at school?”

“I think I’ll go to Germany.”

The shocking news almost made me drop the latte I was drinking onto the floor. I tightened my grip on the warm cup with my fingertips.

“Why Germany?”

I knew that he had been applying to several professional cycling teams. But he had been rejected every time, so I had never asked him about the process or the results in detail. And he was not the type to talk about his failures in detail.

“I applied last year, but I gave up because I didn’t hear from them. But then I got a call from a team.”

“Could it be… Bora–Hansgrohe?”

It was a team that had a road cyclist he admired. He nodded and smiled awkwardly.

“That’s great! That’s really great! Congratulations, Oppa!”

I put my latte down on the table and hugged his neck. It felt strange. I congratulated him, but I couldn’t help but feel empty.

“When are you leaving?”

“Next week. I have to leave in a hurry. But I still have to do my physical exam, so nothing is certain.”

“But it’s rare for someone to fail a physical exam. You’ll be fine. Don’t worry. Okay?”

He looked at my face longingly and gently stroked my hair. We sat in the corner of the cafe and kissed.

“Everything has gone well since I met you.”

The words he spoke were magical and rapturous. I felt a sense of satisfaction as if my heart had never felt empty before.

“I guess it’s because you unconditionally support me.”

His lips gently touched my forehead.

“Then… I will unconditionally support you, Oppa. Unconditionally.”

I confessed that I loved him endlessly. I also promised that I’d never abandon my support for him no matter what happened.

He left for Germany as scheduled and settled down over there. It became more difficult to contact him than when he was in Korea. One day, he called me saying he was in Germany. Another day, he was in Australia for training. And another day, he was in San Jose, California.

His contact information changed frequently, and whenever he moved, I would call the temporary number he gave me, but the time difference and his training schedule would not allow me to get through. I would call him dozens of times without receiving an answer, and I would hear him apologize two or three times a week.

“What are you sorry for? It’s not like you didn’t answer on purpose…”

Although I pretended not to be upset, a faint crack was forming in my heart.

It was a June evening, and I was busy with a final project. I was going to have to stay up all night to organize my final presentation materials. I had only been able to sleep for four or five hours a day for over a week. Since it was a required class for my major, I was very concerned about my grades.

It was around 8 PM when I got a call from an unknown number. I thought it was spam and ignored it.

[Milhee. It’s me. Please pick up the phone.]

My heart sank as the text message flashed on my phone. I heard his voice before the call even connected.

— Are you home? Or are you at school?

“I’m at home now.”

— I just arrived at Incheon Airport. I have training in Hainan, but I insisted on taking two days off. I’ll head over to the front of your house now. Can you come out?

“Of course! I can go out!”

He left for Germany at the end of January, and it was his first return in five months. The man who deliberately skipped training and returned home was more important than my final grades. Having gotten a call that he had arrived at my house, it was 9:30 at night when I left.

On a June night, just before the hot summer, tears welled up as soon as I saw his face. I ran to him like a child, hugged his neck, and burst into tears. He hugged me tight in his wide arms.

“I missed you so much.”

He buried his face in the crook of my neck and took a deep breath.

“Me too. I missed you so much. That’s why I came.”

He got into the car he had rented at the airport and drove through the city. It was hard to believe that just an hour ago, I was buried in schoolwork, but now I was driving down Olympic Boulevard with him and looking at the night view.

“Why here?”

The car stopped at Yeouido Hangang Park.

“I promised to teach you how to ride a bike.”

He seemed to remember the promise we made on our way back to Seoul from the amusement park last year. I was so touched that tears welled up in my eyes. As he made a phone call, a man who seemed to be an employee of a bicycle company came to where we were standing with two bicycles.

“Where did these come from?”

“The company that makes my bike sent it to me.”

“That’s so cool!”

I blurted out my emotions without any filter. His face, smiling with satisfaction, was truly a wonderful sight to see.

The bike employee brought me a hybrid bike. It wasn’t as sleek as the road bike he rode, but I was scared as soon as I got on the saddle.

“Hold the handle firmly, and don’t use too much force on your wrists. Let’s say someone tries to take the handle away from you. Just apply enough force so that you don’t lose it. You don’t have to hold it with all your strength all the time.”

“Okay.”

Don’t you have to exert all your strength to avoid something from being taken away?

I didn’t know how to relax. I could hearn how to ride a bike step by step from him, a professional, but I, who was giving my all for love, was getting tired on my own.

He came to Korea once every few months, and every time he did, I rode my bike along the Han River. Because I rode my bike around even when he wasn’t here, my cycling skills improved day by day. It felt great to ride bikes with him.

Every time I felt a gentle breeze brushing my face, it felt like a bit of the sadness that had built up inside my heart was being blown away.

After riding bikes, we headed to the hotel in Yeouido without fail. His body, trained by a professional team, changed little by little every time he came to Korea. His muscles became tougher, and his strength grew stronger. The energy that burst out of him in bed was too much to handle.

“Hnng, aah! Nng!”

He grabbed my hips and thrust into me as I lay on the bed. He quickly turned my body over.

“Haa.”

The sudden change made my heart beat uncontrollably fast. Thick arms supported my lower abdomen. He adjusted my posture so that my buttocks rose up into the air and penetrated me from behind. The hand that had been caressing my lower abdomen moved down and began to rub my clitoris, crushing it underneath his fingers.

“Haahng, Oppa… Aaaah!”

I cried, sobbed, and screamed. After feeling the pleasure course through my whole body like lightning several times, I was finally able to catch my breath in his arms. He groped my chest, bottom, and entrance all night long, and no matter how many times he dug in, he kept pushing as if it wasn’t enough.

I was often exhausted after having months worth of sex in one night. He would kiss my cheeks and the inside of my neck as I slept while he pampered me.

“This is really the first time I’ve ever felt this way.”

When I heard his drowsy voice, my eyes slightly opened.

“I keep wanting to put my lips on you. I want to hug you. Things like that.”

Although he didn’t always tell me sweet words, he would often say something that would give me the strength to continue living.

“How can you endure it when you want it so much?”

I asked in a voice that was hoarse from all the moaning.

“I endure it to death. If I really feel like I’m dying, I do it by myself. While I think about you.”

The dirty words spilled out without hesitation. I buried my face against his chest and sighed. A faint sense of anxiety washed over me. He was good at sex. And I liked it. He was full of energy. What if we were apart for a long time and his instincts wavered?

“Can we do it again?”

He asked as if he were committing a sin. I lifted my head and looked up at him. I smiled faintly, hiding my worries, and nodded.

As I was leaving the classroom after my morning class, Heesu grabbed me. It was already March of my senior year in college.

“Oh Milhee! You came to class today?”

“Yeah. Is there any reason why I shouldn’t come to class?”

“Oppa is home now. He’s probably sleeping. Try calling him on his cell phone that he uses whenever he’s back in Korea. No, wait. I can just give you our home address and the passcode to our front door.”

I felt a little bewildered by Heesu’s words. He was always the one who called me as soon as he arrived at Incheon Airport. But when Heesu said he was sleeping at home, my heart started beating unsteadily. When I met him last Lunar New Year, he had said that he probably wouldn’t be able to return to Korea until the summer season ended.

Whatever the case, I wanted to see him more than anything. I had a scheduled meeting with my advising professor, but I called the teaching assistant and canceled it, saying I wasn’t feeling well.

I took a taxi straight to his house. It was an apartment in an expensive neighborhood with a redevelopment banner fluttering in the wind.

Standing in front of the front door, I hesitated. Should I just open the door and go in? Should I call first? I was intimidated by the fact that he didn’t come to me as soon as he arrived in Korea.

What kind of change of heart has he had?

We haven’t seen each other for two months since last winter. He had given up on returning to school after taking a leave of absence last spring. He was now more accustomed to living in Europe than in Korea.

I took a deep breath and called him. His cell phone was turned off as usual.

If his cell phone had been on, I wonder if he turned it off because he was afraid that I would notice he came back to Korea.

The only way to calm my anxiety was to face him. I entered the passcode Heesu had given me, opened the front door, and went inside.

The air inside the house was cozy and peaceful. In the hallway, I saw what appeared to be Heesu’s sneakers, stylish women’s shoes, and his sneakers. My eyes lingered on the women’s shoes. My heart pounded.

‘The room at your immediate left after passing through the middle door is Oppa’s room.’

I carefully pushed open the glass door and went inside. His bedroom door was slightly open. The women’s shoes in the hallway kept nagging at my nerves.

What if I opened the door and someone was inside with him?

I slowly pushed open the door. I sighed in relief when I saw him lying on the bed, sound asleep. He must not have changed his clothes because he was wearing a black tracksuit. A black cap that seemed to have fallen from his hand that was stretched out on the bed was lying on the floor.

I approached him stealthily, grabbed his hat, and sat on the edge of the bed. His long eyelashes spread beautifully over his face. I didn’t want to wake him up, so I stared at him for a long time. I wanted to look around the room, but the man sleeping right in front of me was much more fascinating.

Just like he did when I was asleep, I lowered my head and kissed his eyelids. His lips slightly parted as he let out a sigh. Then, as if he sensed something was off, his eyes burst open. His eyes were still filled with sleep, and they looked pitiful.

“Is this a dream?”

He asked in bewilderment.

“No, it’s real.”

I smiled and buried my face into his chest. But it wasn’t the cologne I usually smelled. An unfamiliar musk scent swept through my nose, and an unfamiliar breeze blew through my chest. He hugged my waist and reversed our positions.

Now I was the one lying flat on his bed, and he was the one lying down on top of me.

“How did this happen?”

“Heesu let me know.”

I pouted apologetically, and he brought his lips to mine. The fleeting kiss was so sweet that it made my heart ache.

“You should have called.”

“I did, but… your phone was off.”

He stretched out his hand to the nightstand next to him and pulled out a cell phone from the drawer.

“So it is.”

His tone was indifferent as if he hadn’t thought about it. He sat up quickly as if he were going to pounce. Then he connected his phone to its charger. He took off his sweatshirt and sighed.

I felt like I’d caused a ripple in the cozy and peaceful atmosphere of the house. I was not happy because I felt like he wasn’t welcoming me either.

I should have just waited for his call. I shouldn’t have rushed over right after hearing Heesu’s words.

I still didn’t know how to relax in front of my first love. All I could think about was hugging his wide back. I went over to him as he was changing his clothes. As I hugged his back that was covered in a white T–shirt, the unfamiliar cologne grew stronger.

Normally, I would have smiled and commented that his cologne had changed. But the words and the smile did not come easily.

“I missed you.”

He sighed and shrugged his broad shoulders at the faint words I barely managed to utter. Suddenly, I thought that the size of his heart and the size of mine were not the same as before. I nuzzled his hard, indifferent back. It was only a change in cologne, but I had the foolish thought that he was no longer the man I loved.

“Ah, me too.”

He answered briefly. Then he continued in a gloomy voice.

“I was going to take a quick nap and call you. Sorry. For not calling you right away.”

Whenever he had something to apologize for, he’d always look into my eyes and talk to me. He would hold me in his wide arms, caress my face, kiss me, and reassure me that there was nothing to worry about. But now, it seemed like he had no intention of making eye contact with me.

“I came because Heesu told me. Is this all too sudden? Sorry.”

I tried to calm my emotions by saying the same thing over and over again, and I offered a half-hearted apology. It was very difficult to pretend nothing had happened.

“What are you sorry for?”

He turned around and asked in a slightly irritated voice. I became extremely anxious as his body pulled away from my arms.

His large hands cupped my face. His dry lips gently pressed against my forehead. I squeezed my eyes shut as if to stop the tears from falling.

“I’m going to go take a shower. It’s been over a day since I last washed.”

His tone clearly sounded tired.

While he was washing, I sat on the bed and looked around the room. It seemed like he had stayed in this room for a long time, but it didn’t feel like his room, so it felt strange and unnatural. There was only a small closet, a five-drawer cabinet, a small bookshelf, a desk, a bed, and a side table.

The bookshelf was filled with books he no longer looked at. There was no trace of anything related to cycling. If someone who didn’t know him saw this room, they would probably think it was just a regular college student’s room.

Heesu said that he lives with his aunt and her.

Then where was his hometown?

He didn’t talk much about his family. But whenever we met, he would quietly listen to me. Whenever we met every few months, I had a lot to talk about, and he liked to listen to me with a smile.

He seemed to be living away from his family, but there was not a single framed family photo in his room.

Well, I guess that’s possible.

Instead, there was a framed photo that was no bigger than my palm on one side of his desk. The frame was decorated with various words, and it held a black and white photo of a woman in a hanbok. I stared at the woman in the photo. It was difficult to tell how old she was, but she definitely gave off a youthful impression.

“My grandmother. My maternal grandmother.”

He came into the room and approached the desk. He took the frame from my hand and looked at it with indifferent eyes. There were no other family photos. The only photo seemed to be that of his grandmother, so he must have treasured it quite a bit. Now that I think about it, there wasn’t a photo of me in his room either.

“My grandmother raised me.”

There are many children who grow up in the care of their grandmothers. It could be because their parents are busy with work, or…

I couldn’t even think, much less utter a word. He hugged me by the waist and emitted the familiar scent of his cologne. He nuzzled my shoulder, turned the picture frame over, and placed it on the desk. Then he cupped my chin with his other hand that wasn’t around my waist and began to kiss me.

His tongue quickly slid into my mouth. I felt a chill as I tasted the cool mint. It was a shame that his sweet breath was buried in the scent of toothpaste.

“Hmm.”

A faint moan escaped my lips. I stepped back as he dove in. He held my waist and laid me down on the bed. The tongue that had been swirling around my mouth licked the inside of my throat.

“Haa.”

It didn’t seem like anyone else was home. Lying on the bed in the room where he spent a lot of his time felt strange. What would it be like to hold a woman in a place where he had spent his time dreaming of the future?

He looked down at me with aroused eyes and took off his T-shirt. His urgent hands took off my cardigan, and my underwear was soon revealed.

“Hnng.”

Perhaps because the atmosphere was different from that of a hotel, a low moan escaped my lips. I was naked in no time, and he plunged deep into my body.

“Aaah…!”

The small bed creaked whenever he moved. His movements were so violent that I thought the bed might break.

“What’s wrong?”

He looked down and asked when he saw me awkwardly holding my breath.

“What if the bed breaks?”

His slightly dazed eyes smiled at her.

“It’s okay. Even when I come back to Korea, I don’t sleep here. I spend more days in a hotel bed with you.”

His smiling lips touched my cheek. The strange anxiety that had covered my chest like a fog began to slowly disappear when I saw his smile, which was like a ray of sunlight.

He fiercely sucked the side of my neck.

“Nnnng.”

The moan was a little louder than before. I wasn’t feeling uneasy because of the unfamiliar house and the unfamiliar cologne. It was probably due to his behavior, which was different from usual and seemed rather apathetic. When I saw him holding me and not knowing what to do, my heart grew tired.

I looked up at the shaking ceiling and shivered at the familiar pleasure. As usual, he kissed me randomly on my face as he panted for breath.

Until our heavy breathing and pounding hearts calmed on the small bed.

He spread four of his fingers and stroked my shoulder as if he were playing an instrument. I rested the side of my face against his chest and stroked his flat stomach. His stomach gurgled.

“Are you hungry?”

I asked, lifting my head. He blushed in embarrassment.

“Yeah.”

“Then we should go and eat something.”

As I stood up, his gaze immediately turned to my trembling breasts. He lifted his upper body slightly and brought the tip of my breast inside his mouth.

“Nnng.”

I automatically spread my legs and climbed on top of him. I brought my lips to his chest. I could feel the goosebumps forming on his skin whenever I scraped his nipple with my teeth.

“Haaahng. Oppa…”

My hips instinctively began to rub against his firm stomach. Every time my pubic hair dragged against him, a strange piercing pleasure shot through me. He took out the last condom from the small box on the nightstand. Without changing his position, he pushed in from below.

“Hnng.”

Maybe it was because my body was pushing down from above, but in this position, he seemed to fit even tighter inside. Every time I moved, his abdomen rubbed against my sensitive flesh, doubling the pleasure.

“Nng, nnnnng.”

In broad daylight, on his bed with the spring sunlight streaming in, I wantonly moved my hips. Every time I moved my hips, he looked up at me with dazed eyes and his mouth half open.

“Haaahng.”

A tingling sensation rose from my lower abdomen. My thighs were already too weak to move more vigorously. I licked my dry lips with my tongue, feeling disappointed. Suddenly, I heard the blanket being swept away. He sat up and buried his face into my cleavage and drew in a deep breath as he thrust his hips up.

I placed my forearms on his broad shoulders, fixed my posture, and swayed my body to his rhythm.

“Nng, nnng, aah!”

The moans became more intense. I couldn’t even tell where I was. It was difficult to lower my voice despite the fear of the sound leaking out of the bedroom. He stared at me with his eyes wide open, my breast in his mouth. He was looking at me with a persistent gaze filled with desire.

“Hnnnng.”

The moment when I couldn’t even let out a moan finally arrived. My eyes squeezed shut, and my back arched. He plunged deep inside until the end and fiercely sucked my breast. My legs wrapped around his waist and grew stiff. The inside of my thighs trembled.

Did the sex ease my heart? Or is it that you can have sex because your heart was at ease? And now, even our relationship was confusing.

“Do you want to grab something to eat?”

He asked, still buried inside me.

“Yeah.”

“Did you not have lunch yet?”

As soon as my morning classes were over, I rushed over to his place, so of course I didn’t have lunch. I got dressed and had a little fun with him as we left his room.

“Stop it. It tickles.”

Whenever we were together, he could never keep his hands still. He would rub my waist with his big hands and never stopped his playful touch.

“You’re home?”

The sudden sound of a woman’s voice was like cold water being splashed on the back of my neck. I froze, still holding onto his hand. The woman was sitting on the living room sofa with a cushion and a laptop on her lap. The atmosphere was unspeakably cold.

“When did you get back?”

He asked in a bleak voice.

“Who…?”

The woman did not answer his question and instead turned her gaze to me. She looked like him but also did not. She looked like she was in her mid-thirties.

“Hello…”

I bowed my head and greeted her in a crawling voice. The gaze of the woman who must have been his aunt turned to our clasped hands then back up to my face.

“I didn’t know you had a girlfriend.”

A distant smile spread across the woman’s face. It was a smile that was very similar to his personality.

“I came back to have some lunch, but it’s not like I could have knocked on your door.”

I blushed and lowered my head.

“You should have called.”

He said the same thing he had said to me, but his tone was completely different. There was a hint of annoyance in his voice.

“Your phone was off. Let’s eat. I brought you your favorite beef tartare bibimbap.”

I didn’t even know he liked beef tartare bibimbap.

Three people sat around a table for four. It was a meal that consisted of two servings of beef tartare bibimbap, side dishes of picked vegetables, and potato pancakes. He poured the well-mixed beef tartare bibimbap into a bowl and placed it in front of me.

“Eat as much as you want.”

I couldn’t help but feel awkward in front of his aunt.

“Would you look at that? You gave her most of your portion.”

His aunt looked at his face with surprise. He continued eating as if it wasn’t anything special. It seemed that the vibe of this house was to not make any noise while eating.

My family was always noisy when we ate. My older brother in particular talked too much, so my mother would yell at him to be quiet. My maternal grandparents tended to eat quietly. Even though they had been married for almost thirty years, my mother seemed unable to adapt to the noisy dining atmosphere my father created.

Anyways, this atmosphere was a similar to my maternal grandparents’ house. It was warm, but I felt a strange sense of alienation as if I were not a part of this family.

After dinner, he and his aunt talked for a while alone. I was in his room. The house was quiet, so I could occasionally hear their voices.

Then that means she must have heard all the moans I made earlier, right?

I buried my face in my hands in embarrassment. Suddenly, I heard him start to yell.

“I said I’ll take care of it!”

My heart pounded. I’ve never heard him so angry before.

“But she’s your mother! She’s sick, so you should see her at least once! Isn’t that why you came to Korea in such a hurry? But right now, you’re home doing…”

It seemed that she was talking about me towards the end.

“Enough!”

A few more words were exchanged, but I couldn’t hear them. His aunt’s voice came from nearby.

“I need to head back to the office. Think carefully and make a decision.”

I heard him say something in response, and I heard something that sounded like the front door closing. He came into the room. Before I could say anything, he pulled me into a tight hug. His body was trembling.

He stayed in Korea longer than usual. From what I heard, it sounded like he had come back to Korea in a hurry due to something happening at home. He showed up in front of me three days later.

“Can you show me your room, too?”

There was no reason not to show him. I called him over to my house while everyone else was at work.

“This is my room.”

He looked around my room with child-like eyes, just like when we went to the amusement park two years ago. There were pictures of him lined up along the edge of my mirror on my dressing table. He smiled and looked at the pictures we had taken.

“Can you give this one to me?”

It was a picture of me smiling like an idiot with a headband that looked like a dinosaur opening its mouth and eating my head. It must have been a photo from when I was in my second year of high school.

“This one came out so stupid. How about I give you this one instead?”

I showed him an ID photo that I had taken a while ago. I really liked the photo, probably because it had been professionally retouched at the studio.

“That one doesn’t look like you.”

I glared at him, and he smiled back at me.

“Your double eyelid on your right eye is thicker. That’s why your right eye looks rounder. Your lips aren’t red like this. They’re pink. Your forehead looks unnatural, and what’s up with your nose? Did you put oil on the bridge of your nose?”

He pointed out the places that had been corrected and said they looked strange.

“So give me this picture.”

I put the picture of me in my school uniform and the ID photo in his hand. He smiled and put my picture in his wallet. Then he glanced at his wallet and found that there was a picture of us inside it.

“What’s this?”

It was a photo I didn’t have.

“The first picture we took together.”

It was the day we saw ‘Death of a Salesman’ at Daehak-ro. I think it was a photo that I had submitted with my review to prove that we had seen the play together. The two of us were standing awkwardly in front of the play poster. My tense face was a stark contrast to his faint smile.

“Then give me this one.”

When I pointed to the photo in his wallet, he shook his head.

“I can’t. This is my good luck charm.”

“What kind of good luck charm is this? And why do you have so many good luck charms in your wallet?”

I asked in a baffled tone. He kissed me on the lips. It seemed like he was at a loss for words, so he kissed me instead.

“Oh Milhee, did you not go to school?”

He was about to hug my waist and continue kissing me when the door opened wide and my brother walked in. We jumped in surprise and quickly moved away from each other.