DWWWB Ch 7 part 2

“What the…”b7c76b44e40b9be9

My brother asked a73ff6b4d7 in a low, d4e3f9ea71 hushed voice. I was very rarely 638d4558f2 afraid of him, but c4a377df2a right now, I was 01caedc6a8 incredibly afraid.40616512ee7ee4ed

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“Yeah, Oppa. I didn’t have 43eee4d1cc any afternoon classes f0e132f437 today.”b8d2758b5c41d990

I tried 0707b65bd2 to answer 3b2ebfe8d7 as naturally e9ee528995 as possible, c38b0f2edb but my 4429ab6e9e voice sounded 30f532d354 awkward like acf2c4218c a kindergartener a966eff7b6 reading a 0a8f3f3a18 storybook.cdd077c6eaf6e6b2

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“Who…?”729ac14d8e6ed79e

My brother asked 98c3f76821 the same question 95982f272d Gong Mujin’s aunt 13e2a03cce had asked, but d380c8a401 in a much 46c1fa5d22 more sinister and 9b2b26195a threatening way.b8a8e824ecccbc7d

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“Hello, I’m Gong…”a2eee462b5e14805

“Gong Mujin. Yes, your 47fb14c811 name was f3adbced0c Gong Mujin, a330c06765 right? You’ve met me before.”9bd678340bd6733f

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My brother fe43bb3010 was smart da739bfb7d and had f6294fee56 a good 63041f60ff memory.e20f7fba67dfe862

“Yes, that’s correct, 13ad716673 sir.”9da9a0f9bffa645e

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“I heard you cc7e41efe2 quit school to b65f1391e0 cycle.”1dfd33502a45e025

He was beating b866a371f7 around the bush 3486d9f067 instead of asking b78aab90ae why he was f8ff03dab0 hanging around in 449778a61c his little sister’s f582b81638 room.95907045b2abf8b4

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“I came to fa23d922d1 Korea for a 23d6ab59cb bit.”872a2c202fac808c

My brother 4015e739e1 repeatedly looked a8615f1805 at me ce159ea193 and then 45a4856a6b him.565bd14cfa5dbe04

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“That time… 15313931e9 You didn’t 3209b16e09 go to 739c9eb0ab school for 1073176ce0 two weeks d72bc848bf because of 143c2cbdab this kid, 5e0be0f4aa right?”783438a6efff42b4

His memory was a2f103c24f good when it b872b7222b came to useless 2d4e72be23 things, really.e3e0c833ca3561dc

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I frowned and 675280e6c5 bit my lip 1561c7a7de as a way 536a9bff53 to tell him 02fb317112 to stop.5918088df04c0d25

“You two have d0c5bc852f been together longer 5d2564572c than I expected. Come out. What are you two 31513c5f21 doing in this room?”2a0d03deb8df748f

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My brother was dfc5674c0b someone who seemed 6218b0d135 to be helpful 7069d279e7 in my life 79e87b8c16 but was actually a9d7353fb5 not.83bde5afd4c7db45

“Why did bb493df636 you suddenly 94661a5e9f come home, 9e67ae6320 Oppa?”64b7ff7db30e898b

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“I had to 3350419c47 work outside the d212caad13 office today, and 0a28962c65 it ended early.”ffa5018e7d3da8c4

I wondered if b774e9b47c his body had 4a62b05810 a sister surveillance 414ed533d4 sensor attached to bae7e59b6d it. I don’t know def98c748c why he only db84a104bd appears when something 432758cf29 like this happens.c43fde1f6a2b544a

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“Eat dinner 2986c4a08c before you e847f1eb5f go.”d88ef52ff2c09703

I got d117074067 upset at 0c2035d062 my brother’s bd2b00a9e5 thoughtless remark.64f63e5ae4538504

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“There’s no need!”1a7d759cb79fac19

“Then I guess I’ll ed79cd5252 personally tell Mom everything 79609cb3d4 I saw.”fbc7ad38e6bf01da

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Ah, seriously, that 0c79ba471e jerk is such c0831902e1 a big mouth…c0d154cdcadcb3d3

I turned to Gong f8a9d298f6 Mujin as he sat 5fa993388a next to me and 88b724bb36 flashed him a helpless 740818c933 look. He gave me fdf7073aa0 a faint smile 6d42856e37 as if to 20d1c4a47b say it was 0432ed9cee okay and patted 783f397aea my back.a4855fbfc7382899

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My mom, who dfd5bf24eb works in the 2f5aafc2aa product development team 84b7776543 at an insurance e76e9f9e97 company, didn’t have cffbdc291e time to prepare 1281aecc71 dinner. My brother a8d50caad1 ordered various f7f137e30c delivery foods 913d0aeaa7 and prepared b6abb9263d the table fcbe861c9a before my 9f3063bddb parents came 2205d2d3c4 home. He’s a good brother 878289ab6f who is good at bb436c48c3 housework.f6c1aea224efaff7

“Is someone here?”5dfef2025a7a3090

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My mom asked 2d7930ff75 as soon as c2fb4a2692 she walked through d9dc7e000b the front door. She must have 994239d162 seen the unfamiliar 92bfe75aab shoes.76c6892cd0040bf3

“Hey, Mom. My school hoobae.”e5526c855af3de0b

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From now 71ad56428d on, Gong 3a17295ec1 Mujin is c70391acf6 no longer c6cd37c726 my boyfriend. He is c7ab206d08 my brother’s d4ae0370e1 school hoobae. I guess d59bf26818 he thought 08aa7a21c2 it would 8844b9bd56 be more 8213bba86b natural this 63c373c922 way. Even my father’s eyes, be7bae47a6 which would burn bright 7c0c2057e1 with anger at any c5f7732501 mention of a boyfriend, 338c7ac8be turned gentle when I 7988b9a811 told him he was 672f16f2d5 Oppa’s school hoobae.bb0d38f5afab3f47

“If you’re 62041157fd Hyunho’s hoobae 24b5294a9a at school, 282f6b8aca aren’t you a1c15647d7 also our 477b7b7745 Milhee’s sunbae?”1891b8da5f81017d

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“Yes, that’s right, 5d19fd6f50 sir.”8a26b4d6d668098a

He couldn’t even d0d1246e66 lift his spoon 9bd86672ad properly as he 3f157c4944 answered all of 33b8112c50 my mother’s questions.557c63181d1d29b5

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“But since they’re from a421a944fd different departments, they probably b6d62ee587 wouldn’t know each other, ca5fa3135d right?”eeffb7cfdc4301b9

My brother asked me 6395f9775e with a gleeful expression b9bbf48a8c on his face. He seemed to 5e7999e91c be having a 0fe5037d30 blast.9a88021c40083506

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“Huh? Yeah.”9dcc1babd04daeb9

I glared 060549c024 at my 86d233a830 brother when 1be6e9c6d4 my parents 9b0155b98d weren’t looking.3b7d19552de24010

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“Dad, Mujin is a 9ba33e16e5 cyclist. He belongs to 03146e30ca Bora-Hansgrohe.”8cad94e7896429e7

“Whaaat?”47cd3e7ea6a87290

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When my father heard 1949400e4f this, he put down 0c4af63d16 his spoon. My father had recently fade4d5148 become a ‘Percombi’. This was short for ccdc5dd57b ‘Person who Commutes by 745952b9a5 Bicycle’. So he 691438cae3 was very 94f72a32d2 generous when 813876cd26 it came f5090170bb to bicycles. Of course, he didn’t 945b56d843 ride a road bike, a858a2dfc4 but my father, who 1b1322e240 had heard various things ddfd680851 in regards to this d9928a782a subject, grew very excited.705195f82229e3ff

“One of our 8b61ee942e staff members is 26d0c25dc0 an amateur athlete. There’s the 9da9e48187 Tour de 30d4919e9c Korea, right? He went there too. Oh! Right. He said he 87dbaaab17 participated in the f1b189857a Tour de France 022dcbc8ad the year before 717056cbba last and received 7267f27e13 a souvenir.”5efb90f4eadfc886

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“Dad, this kid d0c5001c92 is the one edab798334 who won first 5f21d91e07 place in the 10b6f5f905 Under 25 category.”961a2b13429503e6

My brother surprisingly 6e416000bd knew quite a 22d0f2adcd lot about Gong 99b72a9d9f Mujin.8b4a8a8c0bc3ac00

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“Wow, I 43e01fd8bd better get 25a362d338 your autograph.”30a1b132c07923c4

My father, whose face c543c97e44 would turn red even e2dd040a6a after drinking a glass 55e651b020 of beer, was already fbbaa26c73 drunk from the soju e54a97f9ce my brother recommended. He brought the 49f92d0a3b helmet he used 6f75772e96 to commute to c0c8def0aa work and a 57aa39acc2 permanent marker. He smiled at 67cad29fd5 Gong Mujin and 3b1336cdde asked for his c5098e76b8 autograph. Gong Mujin smiled awkwardly 16bd36f767 and signed my father’s e90594c5b5 yellow helmet.c09d5c1bef4108b4

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My father claimed he’d bf6d5f8f74 show it off to c1baaa20e5 his employees when he 6f81f8b8c2 got to work, and 42174dbcd1 my brother barely managed e5d471f33d to dissuade him, telling 13096e2c99 him it looked too 74fad3040c pathetic. Through my 69deea50a5 brother and 7fec933761 father’s questions, 1270b79ff9 I learned d766ea1b8a that he e263858ebc was leaving 23c203a67a the country 3be1f69ded tomorrow. That the autograph on f458fb81e9 the helmet was his aaa7b44473 second autograph ever, and b397598eeb that he was planning 20b5878fc2 to participate in a 458a0e6245 grand tour, starting with e3786d6a72 the Tour de France 5a01968a73 in the summer and 91cd60d928 the Vuelta a España f8fa840d8b in Spain in the 534985ac88 fall.ab8771d8c81d1367

My brother let 147231c7be him go only ba48b70435 after he emptied 3ef1a6923e three bottles of 0d1fd646f0 soju. As if to keep 09bab64492 us from doing anything 2d5a54835c stupid, he excluded me 664dddc6bf and went out to 9910da7778 see off his ‘hoobae aabe4853eb Gong Mujin’.6aa17d42fd78b12d

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He was leaving the cd2315547b country tomorrow. How could he 13819eb64f do this?!52f987b54231a7a7

As soon as my 2e56879524 brother came back home, a4a95d3053 I got a call a8f6e20294 from him.1bd2ef7d33895bb7

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“I’m sorry about today.”c55fc2ebf75aaf7e

I felt so 55588a9527 sorry I could 7e6f47c527 die.d3a58278dc259fbf

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— It’s nice to see such a harmonious family.ffe229f0e24a07ce

Although there was a d9d5ba7de2 hint of laughter in d72119c178 his voice, it strangely e2f2fe329d sounded a bit eerie.124399c8e24b5dab

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“I can 57f8dd638f see you f8f012969f briefly before 929899d4b2 you go 897277562c to the 0c2ef2a48d airport tomorrow.”d02892991951edcb

— Yeah.d851b7b38f699c24

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The next morning, he 796597e7ec came to my house 19318822b4 early. We said our bb355accaf sorrowful goodbyes at c71d326f8e the airport bus 5a471d6441 station near my 4ac445810d house. We couldn’t kiss on b373609469 the street, but we d64e656ee4 held each other tightly 90a767e2b8 until the bus arrived.8bb0cc162cec1037

He got on 2898712eb8 the bus, sat b34300cb76 down in the 86712a0252 window seat, and 805547cd17 smiled and waved. I couldn’t c24e72e3a1 leave the ea0e8ff652 bus stop d3a7780379 even after 4dc1f77e56 the bus 1edbb5de57 became as f7fe19832f small as 2153ceb52f a dot. Then I sobbed.b1b013587a5c6534

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Perhaps because he was 72e68fd3b2 busy preparing for the 259d1865ae competition, he didn’t come 9fe88f109a to Korea until the a136ae3ee1 summer. Then, in the 81c0ae8182 Tour de France e9ef060253 held that summer, ec31d22314 he won a 75627417b4 stage and got d9bfa9ebe4 the red polka-dot eb4872149e jersey. It was the e1ff1c5ed5 jersey given to a354a94b0e the rider with 5d5ee42f7d the best performance c2fe254be8 on the climbing 8606d8b489 course.86118fdc95e76620

The Tour de 0baddd85d2 France awards a 1db625724c yellow jersey to 4bc8d1c727 the overall winner, 23d02e2c07 a white jersey dfa9d65dbb to the fastest 35fa2b7e18 rider under 25, c5238d7f57 a green jersey cfb8887252 to the rider fa4063a6c0 with the most c74dba0567 stage points, and 5acb1710d4 a red polka-dot 17e38db3be jersey to the 005d18593d rider who conquered 351b32dff2 the mountain stages.bb2647d901eb309d

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The red polka-dotted jersey d1a8a3c8e8 was a symbol of 96547133b1 conquest over the rugged 187af8c47a pass. It was a 70d5db4fd0 jersey that suited 8f6c443e85 Gong Mujin, a 96af186287 Korean who appeared 83d37afdb5 like a comet. News of 3239f52490 his victory eb9d014751 was covered 6198dc757d as a ea5f6b28e0 special feature 04ea0c4e51 in every 808c92a34e media outlet.223be7abc565b011

“Congratulations.”7cc96b4676620039

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He smiled at 2d9747d790 my greeting before 9cb37bdf8d saying that it d732537751 seemed like this 6b59eb1111 was just the 1bb699d458 beginning. He said 586c42c5aa he might cba77ad8e4 be even 0f26cf40bd busier because bdceaeefc3 of the d0503ddd05 Vuelta a 54e3071e94 España in 175c446486 the fall. I had to prepare 1640c789bf for the second semester c8687fdaff of my senior year. And I also 2fa657f1ff said that I 4babf93545 would be busy 3555af46dc preparing to find f73d77e724 a job.0bf47470428d87be

I thought our ec338713b7 relationship would continue 19f2ddb97c smoothly, just like b0a31d4c30 this.7f971136bea1cccf

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And then, cd4eb2512e two weeks 2a2518a338 before the 06077dd853 Spanish competition, 463ed672ea something happened. It was a very 9f5b6780ad small article in the ebb46768e8 foreign press, but it 821907d88e was an article that e8750cce3a I could easily find 1c341a9a86 since I looked for 0f7ede74d2 articles about Gong Mujin fc81c5e813 every day.5184b201ff68b929

The article said fda0802a28 that road cyclist 579610bffd Gong Mujin had 53b9798176 bought a house 754869135c in Germany and cf6166657b was living with 8b59508c98 his girlfriend. The small picture bbdfe17ba1 seemed to have d30848472b been taken from 3294e82f5b a building near 657c0d738d his house, looking f5eadfe731 down. The woman’s d2163f4568 back was bb485b848e captured, and 59eb1f06ef he was 0466ea7bbb smiling as 154d049d6f he opened 4c3ad18476 the front bec0f2b42f door and 618c2520ad went inside. The woman’s hair a48e78402c was brown, and cdfe476f65 she seemed to a0040745bf come up to 25954b63eb his shoulders.a9aa2eaf50c20098

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Tears didn’t even 15c38b8a22 come out of 4239d5c27e my eyes. It felt so 12f0405cff unrealistic that I d045a8de14 found it funny.70f516cfbcac215f

A few days 7bbc52f084 later, I got 4217a7cb2b a call from eae3eef631 him. His story e683a23737 had now c10a82d4af been picked 3b3743ad5d up by 673a2e5988 several media 4ff5e6fd26 outlets. It had been picked c8f7c212c5 up by the Korean a5c4ebf5d1 media as well, but 9345c1640f it was buried because 83e7468483 there were other events 7fca0adc83 that people were paying 17e68d3784 attention to.11c8f8bc4c1a6fcb

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“I think we have bd55020319 something we need to 06d4897bb1 discuss… Do you have 5b9377ba5b anything you’d like to d75eaf9810 explain to me?”8bab810543d6881d

There was a 3d792e5c29 moment of silence 78fa2a332c on the other f6b8e67f04 end of the 04dae6e37a phone.6bafae46acbbb5b4

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— I don’t.5fe2f53371a62a88

“If you b2af4c5289 don’t, then eacbe707e2 that’s fine.”0aa2ab52074cbc50

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I don’t know 057c1fd91a if it was 678335e484 because he didn’t e99c49309b know English or 82a9cca8a9 if he just a502f40063 didn’t care about 752a90a714 my feelings.99a9e050b569e090

Looking back, our 88a4d5a30f relationship was not c8ba4c2afe normal. Cycling was a sport b9fd0edbf5 where all three of a544367889 the world’s major competitions f21a77bfba were in Europe. His team 74cf282201 was in 34d6b34975 Germany. He would a64b665abe continue to 2013ee0ee2 live in 5257f34d3b Europe.6829f3b32bbfa79f

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But I 7bd03b092a wanted to cde88aaa55 work as 0e047dd255 a PD bc856d35d1 at a 24ad02f3f9 Korean broadcasting da0c27851b station. I would live 99ada13a2c in Korea.9488d404d8cab6f3

It was 3d33019547 a simple 76b3879384 answer to 891a3f8dd6 a simple e72b411e1a problem, and 26547729a2 I only 6bf7fecad4 realized it 15afb03ccb then.759ac2e9a39c173d

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Two weeks later, bc785ad3a4 he won a 41715fae6c stage in Spain, c4e1914723 this time with bc49dd8b2e speed. The media was b248400bd4 more excited than 754cbcd9a3 in the summer, edc2ce2559 going crazy about 058c32a250 the birth of 81f298fbc9 an all-round sprinter cb73c16d78 with speed and bf41f2ec5e power.1a0357d4fee9a43c

Fall was coming. He called 6eba463eae me as f91091c640 soon as 83a53276f3 the competition 3d06c78c39 was over, 860b8aee70 but I adeccde1b6 missed the e0e2ad2531 call because 155a9091cd I was f38b237ae6 taking a 4174b3b974 mock exam bed7f23afd before the ea04cebc11 media exam. I called cc947860a8 him again 5ac7db66af after the 69471ca2cf exam was 65fd14982d over, but 04ab1049c6 his phone f89d3a1a4d was turned d447cc0b4c off.7b87e56bace5bb1c

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The next 7df5040572 day, his b768e4add5 picture was 85a8161979 taken at c629a13fde a tour 1c7860b09c afterparty with 16c8b1b460 models whose 0c9f4da534 names were 2f01e15447 difficult to e17ff228ce pronounce. The photo 9634ba92c7 was published 109018d3cc in an a1beaba180 online newspaper. Now, he felt 23c42d1cdd like he had 96d0367913 become someone who 7e6a91a783 was too far 552b7e484c away. His position 93b05575a0 had completely 81bc8df7fa changed.3619a21d65052d1c

He said 1bf8c6b4cf that with 2dd56c0c25 his tight 4117a3fc39 training schedule 39aa3b240e and all c8f208a219 the invitations 6e1dda28e3 to participate 87dba54874 in several 9788880821 tour programs, 6efd274d68 it would e6171c5ae7 be difficult 3451db2170 for him 2cdd38aac2 to come 269931c38a to Korea fee37c8c77 for the aac070a354 time being.b72db66280056e3a

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I felt like it ea30a7abcd was time to let ccfc4f8176 go of the love 63484496c3 I was holding onto 31ae22a1b9 so tightly. No, maybe I 1b9f721b6a thought that if 885d8155de I told him e36d862830 I wanted to e3fa1073fd break up, he 53150d0be6 might hold onto c9a11c0d0c me.67cc636459163075

I usually e76189e106 sent him 9974a7bcc3 an email 11a616e70a whenever I 00dddc304e couldn’t get 8dc347b9eb in touch 48f42d3702 with him. One evening, 6e56e52ace when I 400e519aa7 was figuring de3a152c56 out my 9ad5e7adfa grades for a5069f92e9 a job 99a6716c25 application, I 0119b38ce9 impulsively wrote 59b7e2ab96 him an 963a782351 email. I realized that f7d9eb375f my grades were c48db689fb poor in the 6d16fde226 subjects that had a0db0dee40 been neglected due 7bdbba7d7e to my spending 38ea4eb40f time with him.e7696d9a75c1fb82

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The subject I 9aaef010d0 had skipped because e0faa9dedd I was learning 0df2881703 how to ride 300c32b1c8 a bike. The subject where I 8061b69e85 had even skipped my 2ece63bd41 meeting with the professor… e0334d178a I was so crazy f86cf2e781 about the man I 8883fe9dfb only saw once every d1ca572520 few months and talked fac0d7edd2 to twice a week 4ec0775081 that I couldn’t even 89393c79ad manage my grades properly. Come to think 1df3d2839e of it, he 56d1f5e4e9 didn’t even know c67c771763 that I had 1cf068f5d8 an important project b4e07d883d coming up or 56a9b362e1 that I had 274fdd10e3 a meeting with 6dcb555729 a professor.94a08fe2ca6b6195

「Oppa. We’ve been dating 89ce6a5c5f for a long f92f78f918 time. Right? It’s already e7f41a62c5 been two 3e7306f925 years.」8c2d292a18ad5ecd

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I tried not to 3c35f81921 be sentimental in my b8fd3de4e2 email as I reminisced ab99b779cb about the past two 1d09d1057b years.175b73e7f743eaa0

「From now on, a8e763a880 I’ll be watching 4485726243 you from afar b521ed5980 and cheering you ef2537324c on. Even though we’ve always 2fcba2d573 been far apart… Thank 7520218975 you for teaching me 5b24c90952 how to ride a 8653471a69 bike and giving me df7aa3b35b so many good memories.」78b1787bd9bcefc1

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I hoped that I 50bfdd621e wouldn’t show my foolishness e6847224a0 dripping down my cheeks. I pressed 7b2869c96c the send 9634f2f4b9 button and f68a987fc3 couldn’t get c5241265a1 up from 37ac069f4d my desk 1914ad4c2e for a 8c3d005af1 long time. He would ad7fcd9b66 probably check a1b586ce8c his email 481f2a6e6b a few 1a95cff2ad days later c1d4d29922 as usual. And then dfe51e79a4 he would 4de6a0d569 call me 80d280fd8e a few e5f7c88c71 days after 7d7a89b6cd that.51ccd03585ab34ca

And will 3f36fa3ee4 we meet d0713ef88f again in 5284c1aa4b a few f094c0d1ba months?0a097d49c2db2186

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Unfortunately, my expectations were 84230b420b way off. He didn’t f357f28ec0 check his 8f8e46b996 email for 0f626b96e2 over a 89ba5630ef week. I had 106ddd2e3f made up b12c8883b8 my mind 2c4e21eabe to break 8706b321e5 up, so 3b62b72c7d I impulsively 157d8dd5f6 changed my fa6a41f0b3 phone number. A few days effb7fbbad later, I checked 0ed6cebe7a my email again. We shared passwords for 589662a63c our email accounts.abe64578255a675e

I foolishly logged 68a84a5285 into his email 55248ac2e2 account. He had checked a7b5c2332c all his recent 3f24bc4478 emails, but mine 45e63079ce was still unread.6362934573a3ab8b

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As usual, he 9b69ad4aca showed me how d8ca240cc1 he felt with 9556139057 his actions rather 3cac8de780 than his words.496392a9e496e9c5

That’s how we broke 9a8d8dedd1 up. It was e1da5feb33 a natural 6ab64eadfe separation between 2de38146ec lovers who 94e714283b had been b05f6487fc apart.e6485eafa98a5101

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Was it because e090a4c33f I wanted to a8776a0c30 save the little fa45d532ad bit of pride ad1262e6c1 I had left? Or was it because 29b587850d I wanted to cut 2534093203 off the anxiety of edc0c04dd6 waiting for his possible 749aad7f05 response?b6821453bb69e093

I even deleted my 4f05270359 email account, which was 12cfeff333 my last means of a9fd9429d1 contacting him.3d35d4e3ce0279bc

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It was refreshing. For a while.8017817816a83c3a

I studied to 5e17147892 death. I took efbddcba24 summer classes 1fc18cc269 until just 60a54d4607 before graduation a0937f252d to improve c25f6d65bd my grades. Naturally, I failed 55251baf00 all the broadcasting 0964cb561a station exams that d14469a9fc year. I started studying English b6ad8d57a0 again and devoted myself af8d064f2f to studying Korean history 09f1435ae0 and the Korean language.907d37bfd186b5a0

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When I was 4220cc088d 26, I joined 786b352de0 a broadcasting station. I worked as b68e882be5 an AD until 9b20196543 I nearly died, 8fdd413ac2 and then I 3be16208b7 was promoted to bbe93fae39 PD. When I was 30, 649319adbe I quit my first 7083906063 job and moved to 760c49959f another broadcasting station.2129ea8ae17b980c

And then I 774e54f22a met him again 108100c180 when he was 0e320657a9 thirty-two years old.66ed51143754c2e1

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* * *3e66f0cd7c550414

It was Heesu f4e0370ba5 who told me fb32be913c that my mother 75d5333540 was sick. She said that ff9868b908 the pancreatic cancer e71b911e2c had spread to e840d790d9 her stomach and c2d457f4d5 small intestine. She said that 7353aec066 she had difficulty a7a084ae7d digesting food and 11b243c3b3 felt nauseous. Her husband, 4f9db1c953 whose business 9d965b3db4 was not 1e53914766 doing well, decb32b4e0 and her 8536686e42 son, who bf4caa614b was not c6cee8210b related to 6c874db7b4 her by 53f52febc8 blood, did 236f09dd95 not accompany 8821f90d69 her to fa6d1d2245 the hospital. In the end, caf5a23714 it was my d28f6cd12d youngest aunt who aacc30cbf4 took her to 5543af1942 the hospital.c23f0751020bd29e

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I was told that f26baa90bb my mother waved off 3f26e7ff56 the news that she 118eeabfbf had to be admitted aef52e9052 to the hospital right f9d5c53977 away. Her husband’s business c144f1ebb2 was not going 57939190f7 well, and her 78526d9769 eldest son was 52d380165f getting married soon, 07ee5b63bb so she wanted 017af968eb to keep it b91d301b16 a secret for 7a6fd4a82e the time being. All I c968656af7 could think 00ad5fac9c was that 61bd0f76bf she was dfade3a84e being foolish.a39a5d70deaedd13

— I think 48ae1b9d41 she wants you 56d0893052 to persuade her, 91df04b2ac Oppa. Auntie said 698795d21f that even 6164a535b6 when she dd1421685b doesn’t listen e8302b5be1 to other 0060cb45b0 people, she’ll bb64f6e1ff listen to ac40d03247 you.b17e9fdee4aab321

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It was funny. Listening to the words of a child who abandoned her because she liked another man. I had no intention of calling my mother. When I fainted due to a high fever and was carried to the hospital emergency room on my grandmother’s back, my mother didn’t know. I can still hear my grandmother’s consoling voice as my youngest aunt cried in her school uniform.01b14c524a668c54

‘Why are you 4e4efab9be crying so much? The baby f484340887 didn’t die.’0c0ff7524692a04f

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My grandmother saved c278d72a1c me with her 90cc14f506 uniquely stubborn temperament. After that, b7af4fa647 I didn’t 1a26bcd395 show any 55a82ac188 side-effects of 43797edc70 being parentless, 45329cc337 but I 3434d77f99 was often 10d0f2366b sick. My grandmother looked b8e50ab4e4 at me with a76a19a053 pity, but sometimes, 6cbf28ac43 she hid her 59b1f679c0 affection as if b1a9db13be she didn’t want e38fcc4fab me to grow 84bd86a46d up spoiled.9678e55ed428edc3

— Your mother fef3340540 collapsed and is 06041fb4e9 in the hospital de393e3d2c right now. At least come 23dac69ab3 here. She might be c838cefe07 in big trouble.c127d0986cfc1cc2

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My youngest aunt’s 7a4d05c897 cold voice came 607236fce9 from the other 88f6cf4604 end of the 79da98980b phone. I wanted to call 515708760b Milhee as soon as 3b399d35b9 I arrived in Korea, 1c237ed753 but her voice sounded 95ab843066 desperate.ef5703ec075b3f02

When I turned ef443fe0af on my cell 401682dee0 phone in Korea, 302135ad0b a message from c2ee24c3a4 Heesu came in.0f6dec9633439d0a

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[I heard your mom didn’t really faint, Oppa. I think she’s putting on a show because she wants to see you. Call me. We’ll talk about the details over the phone.]

You kept it a 62a64fbd32 secret from your husband 8abbf556f9 and eldest son, but f468df2ad2 it seems that you db39f8d8cd still wanted to tell e8b289518c me that you were 7bd206fbc7 dying.7cda8d404328a3ed

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— No 1f2e6d67a6 matter how 53b4983f2c sick she e7af2497c9 is, I 11054620a3 can’t understand 709e21183f her. What has that person a09dd96bd1 done for you? This is such 52ae279b2a an important time ccc187990e for you, what aa8b396040 on earth is 5ab836c1c2 she doing to b2f6b7b907 you? If she’s thinking d481ed7400 about you even 57354d0fc5 a little bit, 31bf279a65 she shouldn’t be 1745b21e0e doing this!a4efcb0d80e54060

Heesu was more 94d57d5eee upset. I did 6d29186134 what I 580334c114 could to 2153e7c5fa calm Heesu a424e41d3d down as 201a18aad5 she sobbed 5a86af5292 and hung c8b63b8c46 up the 42a4c75367 phone. Heesu was the 7a626867ba type of person c21c5119af who didn’t know f4853ab465 how to hide 776eb02ff6 her feelings, but 7f76334572 she would go 571a26e597 as far as 4274576740 to speak ill 7281d6be4a of the sick. This only 9d840bb128 showed just 9b9550373f how pitiful 48a22b429c my mother 0dbcb31d57 was. My youngest 7e45257495 aunt told 9bba1e7ea0 my mother f3a00435e3 that I 20542eb162 was returning 10bb76f76e to Korea. I ultimately turned off ac0a75569d my phone.977f1412adc2643e

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When I got 839c6dd3d4 home, I laid 654fd0fb5b in bed for b504ee771d a while. There was 2a91eef7d3 someone I 44c02e19c7 wanted to bd9021191a see so e9c977b7fc badly. But if 1cbe3b1ae6 I met e74d7b40a9 her like 80c8d5069d this, I c77c37d934 thought I’d 4c4aad5876 show her 2855ba962b an ugly b46f6828a2 side of 9d57d9f8ad me. And I was tired. I thought b09757b29f I should 845ab32e73 close my 6d201f7b6f eyes for f6fb1a62e2 a bit ec8fb427ab before calling f09f2f3d35 her.ee789dc299bcfb80

I felt something b264121fa1 soft touch my 86afbfc46d eyes. I opened my eyes a9a7502d5b because of a familiar b64c46d771 scent. The face I wanted ee807cf646 to see so badly 6068353feb was smiling right in 2c48f95d80 front of me. I asked if c76809e853 it was a 8bccf4b36f dream, and she 2f077f7786 smiled and said 2b6c5ca039 no. I was in 048c0bc882 a hurry, and 7b914f3efe there was no 51e17b7c09 direct flight, so 9964d5797a I took a 2cd426a47f flight via Shanghai. I knew I smelled 37b61a17fa like sweat.e8cc73ee5ca0a6d4

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I quickly finished showering 54a7831f12 and came out to a719c34423 hug her. As always, e38df06bcd my anxiety 7dacc7fdce was immediately 6a11dd0827 soothed. The aggressive instinct that 5ad013b22f had abruptly risen up 783a2d5bf6 due to the terrifying 4a61d5a926 surprise quietly subsided.0cdf03ba7312a2b8

It was like sediment 18ad4bbbf6 in water. When someone stirred, I de76af1ff5 would become turbid and 05478407c5 polluted. And when she touched 1b27036f28 me, it settled back 2f0d65b5a9 deep into the bottom. That’s why 392288663d I liked b805f0436d the moments 302ab2f2fa when I 27e7575ed4 held her 9a0390bc38 soft body. In those d9660e7b58 moments, I a8aa94b3e1 felt like 2d491befd9 I was c0dbcfc76c becoming a 7e8d7a294b proper, gentle 92c0e411de human being.3ec816016f0c3a4d

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I was 7c7eeb03fa able to 979eaa1669 ignore the 88e8c9fbbe resentment I 71d4314bed had from 071e2b45a4 being abandoned dd73fdcabb by my 200d6539c0 parents. The remnants 00c1f7ef7f of wounds 837a7943c3 that had 951d74a0a8 accumulated in ca4d508636 my heart b31c4fe085 as I a762070c7d grew up.c9ba94336eb1c96e

When we came out bdc81ca5df of the room, we da55690f19 ran into my aunt 992cc52c4e who had already come 773bc3e5f6 home. I was absentmindedly 40c3a3db6a eating with her, 1fc30c6b85 and she secretly 6ff43f2794 hinted that she 41a2bb28ef wanted to speak 630e5769aa with me, so eaef69a2b0 I sent Milhee 96daf7ea59 to my room. She must 81f701de9f have heard f766a2d27c our voices eb2d9f4127 as I e219eb3565 fought with 83a293fdb6 my aunt.794414337b1acec1

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When I entered b703af777c the room, unable 8d34b831fe to contain my 9bc7fd0138 anger, I felt 2199d1ea6f my heart completely f8f618953b crumble. As if comforting my 820c6a6e45 collapsing heart, she hugged a761f2ee5a me with her soft abf27485a9 body without asking any 42a4e0c82b questions.7a45ad774997a30e

The next day, 27446f559d unable to resist 48de2a4b91 the urging of 87df7e718c my youngest aunt, 4e54c42c00 I went down b939c18d02 to the seaside 89fb90a97e city where my 0453691cda mother lived. Contrary to Heesu’s 51a09d7117 words, my mother 98572b88f2 was near death. My half-sister Jiwwo was 91fc6d104d guarding our mother’s bedside 2ab4cb2a16 at the hospital. She must 7c9a318126 not have 6bcd775658 gone to a9e66591c2 school.3f2f9d95e29ebffa

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“Oppa!”dcc1401cf12f3556

Jiwoo happily 7fe099c09d greeted me.a78398279016b270

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“How did you get 26047f0e62 here? Did you come 5a7b127f5f here after hearing fc849492d9 the news about c433f7ac0e Mom? Mom waited for you 75e5fdd04c a long time. She just took 3c5de1cf96 some medicine and 5307b677e4 fell asleep.”1d3f38d7ed0e445e

“Have you f03dbb404f eaten lunch?”b1d3d0aa4aacb654

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My younger 73d63a1b16 sister, who 0d3d075c75 was now 49ac6ac14e sitting in 7b849b46d9 the hospital 63b86ba0f0 room, just 028321eebc entered high cde8206da5 school this e7cd6d7084 year. As the 63831aafbd youngest child, 37fb5c3008 she should c1f764ba2a have grown bb7723b56d up spoiled 70fa405612 and pampered, 448feaed57 but she 8a3c127f0b had an 97d213c894 infinitely dark e7eea91d68 expression on 9bc07d7c94 her face. When I f845a99445 took Jiwoo 1a5115e205 out for f6f934ccc6 lunch and 66962ab0d3 returned to ab8161e28a the hospital, fdbd707a8e my mother’s 99045af54c husband and b3c9e84c83 his son 9350cca80d were in 2b4abf0631 the hospital d202509698 room.c205e91a01badb69

“Let’s talk a bit.”2418c8662514f8d1

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He cursed me up b62381a42e and down, saying that 75700c1245 I was a bastard ae72fe8f63 who didn’t care about c3189fb1bb his sick mother. He yelled 54bd4fb1eb so loudly a03f9b0162 at the c76b01b76d end of 19e4d8ce2c the hallway ae0097ab7f that the 64dd523e7c people in 415f80e858 other rooms 7453477e45 came out 69d89a49e6 to look fa6c912b90 at him. The nurses didn’t dare bcf0ffa88e approach him, but they 358fe97b00 watched worriedly from a bf7a9ac7d9 distance.64a4dff009c0014d

“Give me the 370e4407bf money. Are you satisfied 80f973c61b eating well and b6ae6536ff living well all 6d8c14c065 by yourself? Shouldn’t you 5801a45dcc be paying fca442963e for your d56a5aa2c6 mother’s hospital 3d9a39c356 bills?”891196ecbb875506

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I heard that c16d744af6 my mother’s husband’s 9838c4ed21 business had been f0b259acb5 in decline due a16ba39705 to poor construction 041c9e4183 conditions. Now, he 43a2493cc9 was demanding f58b98c6ee that I 4d7530a10b pay for 493bfaea46 the hospital 2a60277041 bills.69fa93c674d257a9

“Do you have 34f8669e30 any right to 1f561627e4 receive money for ae97acf75b the hospital bills 3393b46921 from me?”ea52a81247c9d5f7

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“What did cd6d079f98 you say, 0b01ac8a7c you little ca1a817c07 shit?! F*ck, that’s bef36b54fb now how f6131bd5f6 this works! You think you’re 1866dc9607 all that? You little shit. You don’t know d8990e2751 how scary the ebd0fa0ea2 world is! I’m going to expose 3f1c4244e8 you. You shameless db7160e40a bastard, you cdf2a6962e don’t care 73c50436f7 that your 0f4ed721a4 mom’s sick. I’m going to 9db8894440 tell the reporters!”eceeb8ced8eb2617

Before he could ace7716047 even think, the 46833d26a7 punch flew. Hyung, a 0a06685b09 bastard who b817fe3678 didn’t share 5d3233016d a drop b6fb9c0274 of blood fa63cfb412 with me, 260aa8eed5 fell to 105ce62ac2 the ground. His father cursed 831d4720d0 and looked terrified. It was 997623e10f the first 8664a36dc9 time in cce7aba04e my life 2e896abe87 I hit f23c9312a9 someone. I approached the man 4da2aa33ba who had fallen and 8cd29a9301 stomped on his chest f02dbd9306 with my foot.9dfcc1914b9afd94

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“Hey, get that d63a829b07 off him. How dare you, c1523e8144 you bastard! You dirty 264a6d0523 little shit! Your bloodline can’t 1b59e49ad3 be hidden. You take after feed86defb your father…”0001a38639f0642d

I glared 151f7c49e5 at the 3bed1f67cb man who 52a8a358ed cursed at 5474e5c28e me. He seemed furious that c07dcdef80 his son’s chest was 349f0cd825 being trampled on. But it was funny 90b41aaed0 how he trembled when 580c968ff8 he saw my gaze.d1459e5a35ae8db7

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“Say one more 452c66928a word. I can a10afee9ea really kill c4abcc331b him. Reporter? Call them and tell 1f4bac08db them everything. The moment you open 12cd534844 your mouth, you’re dead.”1a6306014c043e63

Jiwoo, who 7f1cf0d1dc had briefly 37fc428faf stepped away 43eb714fd9 because she 7d29f81723 needed to a362d9bf7c call her ab234af2d6 school, ran 9b1426b581 over to fa52af16dc me and e70e86b54a grabbed my 6e48c5ac1b arm as 8ed1109508 she burst 3f7a1fa017 into tears.1d493355cab2502f

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“Oppa, don’t d1bfec9bda do this. Stop it. Okay? Oppa, don’t 325f86760d be like 0be4b5cb3e this too.”4ef48bd115a844aa

Oppa, don’t 98483fa479 be like edf0b63330 this too? Was someone else 5b0b80f1b4 acting like this?fbb7ffc61eca571d

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The man a6f5e0e1cf called ‘Father’ 524d24d086 suddenly burst 7c3ae3f27f out of 289d4d425a his seat.4832bc116c3de2ad

“You should have e25737ef02 called me, your 15fb7b8c3b father, when your d6b08f67e5 older brother arrived! Huh? How dare 670b128c48 you leave 92e283d10c your sick 5569e7decf mother behind 0028980734 and go cbb356d2ac off on 09fb452bc1 your own a268890b65 to eat! You’re just like 53113c356f your mother. Absolutely shameless!”384782db328f0665

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“Because if I told 246f2c5647 you Oppa was here, e337b80851 I knew you’d act 2ec385dfa9 like this!”31b95b1c3a3a8a13

As Jiwoo f3164ed5d5 screamed back, b8f220f097 a thunderous a739e40ff9 sound rang 0e864d5cbd in the 9b2b4ffe10 air. It was 996f92bc16 the sound 45fdc5ffbf of the da52363842 father slapping fa262448e8 his daughter f71fa05eee on the d81594ded3 cheek. Jiwoo didn’t 8423394c3c even flinch 798e5eaf36 as if 662f874760 this was 4f01be4c6e something she c29e6555f8 was used 5bc01d0479 to. I grabbed Jiwoo’s ba3fc17def wrist and left f2d8610e2a the hospital.9b4495f93f697379

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I put Jiwoo on 46e929a608 the KTX bound for 8a50794c45 Seoul.c279b5605ce2d845

“How long has 28db1b918b this been going 70e901f824 on?”ff58d3dba2ebecfe

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“Since I was young.”df7455a288ab4fbb

Corporal punishment a99cb916b6 turned into 900d20890a violence, and 825aee5f41 Jiwoo endured 2d44d8040f it because 7884a6aca8 she could b48eaa9f99 not escape.1d619380e74dbe62

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“What about Mom?”f4274c25a114ca18

Jiwoo merely frowned and eff6c7b9d2 looked out the window 574d5fd538 without answering. I went back home adbf1dab7f with Jiwoo, who didn’t b8d3413604 know what else to 25d17c63d9 do. My youngest c52128136d aunt treated 694289e543 Jiwoo differently c72aae31ba than Heesu 84737a292d and me. Even though she 1c33422d28 was still her 5ebae5d4eb blood-related niece, she e7d8244f53 was still a 6dcba7afd5 little stingy with 1eafa495b0 Jiwoo.28d052aa9004cce3

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“Just let her stay f30f6e0b19 here for a while. I’ll take 2556856a36 her with a0eb1d5bfd me to bf54ba7922 Germany.”334aa1ecdadbc11f

I wasn’t in ee4458c0fa a position to dc21dd6742 take responsibility for 7efff4924e others yet. However, my youngest aunt ecbc3c3842 also helped my grandmother 81f47a4f28 raise me from a bea757fe41 young age. My youngest aunt didn’t b5487b675e say anything more, perhaps 53b9d10589 because she thought it 032c4491f2 wasn’t her business. I gave my 20956468dc half-sister Jiwoo the d6af246fe3 room I have 4b0a1a02b2 used since being e7da81f952 abandoned by my 5795948558 parents.64bf2d59e3789703

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Now, even in this 2743e3377b house, I had no 3d1f8b7805 place to lie down.a7c88949c0dd4257

The day before I 215b63e483 left for Germany, I f806023197 met Milhee. As I looked down 09ee295c37 at her face, it 4a1e8eb191 became clear where my b62c723211 heart was. The only place I 49fe23eed0 could lay my body 7574f95187 and heart was next 00af33ec7d to her. Maybe that’s 9ddd2e9f75 why I 690d1e9d4d suddenly grew 7d9e6d5c49 curious. What did her 366b9490b2 room look like?2807818e2132a2ea

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The small room was 93f7585c0a cute. The bed was 25735cbb42 covered in light fbbc3a5fcd yellow sheets. I was filled with 906ceff289 the desire to take f7e997efb5 her on that bed. Whenever I buried my 6b1f4555f8 flesh inside her soft d8b25af699 body, everything became okay.48104c1f71b3249f

I also wanted all c60b357484 the photos that were 157d37cf8b stuck on her vanity 019a0f1f65 mirror. When I 52bc643490 asked for 04c7ccf766 a photo 8a23ed587c of her 776093326b in her 01d1409a56 school uniform, 941fbdb4cc she pouted 301732a7c7 and gave 61d3dc57c8 me her c57824ac71 ID photo. She was 697abb9035 overflowing with 26693d5085 affection, a 461deb356f result of ba7565f85b all the 707c0b17c8 love that 4d4dea93c1 was poured 49c2c2644c upon her d18abcf213 while growing 11211683d7 up. Something I never received.42504ac673512a1c

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How nice would it b3a93bc8eb be if Jiwoo had 2de9e2e7db such a loving older 407f37b1c7 sister? I looked at 6d1c0ac86d her and thought 78eecd75c8 about the younger a02552ee0c sister I had af9d272e88 to protect, even e0419da3fd though I wasn’t 2b5105f385 very close with 3aec72f8e5 her.c2d14e38df06f53d

I wanted 7169f03d71 to tell 375650af0b her everything, 8f2d3deb39 but I a5adffeba5 didn’t know acd6cc0088 how she’d 23929407d3 react once 22dbb56334 she knew 5b2bd639b0 the truth. I guess f027fd8aa1 it would b06213e5c0 be accurate 2052844dd9 to say 3e7879f3c2 that I 0a10ce83eb was scared.ce46d4e43e506a84

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I kissed her soft 3bdc744f79 lips and slid my 583d6a4e2f tongue inside her warm 49beab13e9 mouth. Just as bfcda1794d I was d57f8d3dff about to bbe75475a0 reach out 3be5c317cb and caress 813a343883 her chest, 5d8a4a6231 the door 938e8c06ea suddenly opened.c318b949eabc0955

Her brother glared 1eaf7ff5ab at me as 98ec1804f1 if he could 38427305cd hardly believe what d4f3b47c1b was happening. I lowered b1fcc5fabc my head. I understood 7636693d7e his desire 504dc5e169 to protect 38f816206a his younger 875443eb39 sister.8cecf5b8493936c4

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I became Oh Hyunho’s 8794f323aa school hoobae, not Oh 0e090e610b Milhee’s boyfriend, and I 4de0963c7f had dinner at their f07c192464 house. It was 49620bbf3d a harmonious 257266f941 and normal c95ad9d835 family. I felt awkward, c86f6fb34c like a drop 05e17e2983 of oil floating 479b242bed on the surface 909303272a of the water. Her father was 3f5d83c13c happy when I 68870a5ff6 told him I 506f5b44f4 was a road 4d8009b2fc cyclist, and he bd3b7a217e even asked for 1ccf5a20bc my autograph.fdc8348c972baffe

My parents didn’t care 2e909e12e5 what I did. And the better I 3a52448d3b did, the more displeased e00a811f9d they were.807b4df9c4e840f6

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I was grateful 3036c8583c for the warm 5a88dade20 attention they gave d5655c92ce to me. Her bright bc46cac687 personality was f14f22a2d5 probably created 6163e9c21b in this 4c024cf382 loving family 56f4876209 environment.391dfe96b4623dad

On the 1f43ea9863 other hand, 998690f810 I foolishly 0887f81b3a ended up 0d3b7bcfa7 getting my fa475c926e pride bruised. I had the foolish 902958a717 thought that I envied a7b6e76781 her for having something 03fc3aca0b I didn’t. Everyone wants ec057a0169 and envies ddc180d556 something they 1e7efb4c08 do not f316a1e7b5 have.3c12d054d66153f2

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Is that why b964808307 I love this bb7951d48f woman?347680739dcc6fee

As I was d8063cda8e leaving her house, de7c8674e3 Oh Hyunho followed 5717ade41c me out, offering f2490822b9 to see me 3647b4d831 off. He acted like an ffe6b8d60f adult and handed me 705559dac4 a business card.2be3a2857efeb55e

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“If anything happens, 31e7827568 call me. Treat Oh Milhee well.”00b7c2f0584d056d

I wonder if 77a7ff149d I can be 7e3f2c45e7 this kind of 3a5d58e299 older brother to 356ce81a76 Jiwoo.06b114ab17a15a17

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I felt 6143d4d028 bad for 7e2eca41ce no particular b286754bd0 reason because 6e7de766dd it seemed 558a872f8d like such 5b9bda9431 an impossible f4921b1473 task.ea67d9469a0545ee

My mother died. I returned home without 2105add12a telling anyone. Of course, e264480169 I didn’t 870afb5230 tell her 4120e8d69d either. After my mother’s dcefb50d37 funeral, the precarious 77f8473a0d family unit that 21670bade9 had been maintained fc6007b6a1 until now fell e16c884976 apart. Jiwoo had finished d21a10175b preparing to move 49e78159f9 her studies abroad b3358ddc8f and follow me cf8cb6c637 to Germany.e6490d3e9342a0ee

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When I stopped 415e4aa358 by the house, e14de740da Heesu cautiously watched 77be7dabf7 me.bc81e40ca5300213

“You aren’t going to 49589fd3db see Milhee this time?”68d81fb78e2a91ad

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Every time I came f4b13b8797 to Korea, I didn’t 7555a8571d meet my family and e08666d0e9 instead met her before df267771c1 heading back. No, it would 6be3689689 be more accurate 6612cca3fd to say that 224aacf152 my purpose for b8b180234c returning to Korea 8667295f3e was Oh Milhee.2fe4e998aa850276

“Yeah, I’m d8ab945bae going out 1f7617ca2f for a 63322e21d5 bit. Please keep an eye 66954e7c1e on Jiwoo.”9fbd8aa61fd8100e

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While she had been 74fdda5c41 adjusting to a new 206c06b29e environment, our mother died. Jiwoo began to suffer 1f73f2c68c from mild depression. She told b274dc0ef6 me she 45469e37d2 was having de80080e6f a difficult 2934ce5a48 time enduring 25647fa819 her father’s a85275d980 threats to 2e6f23837e sue me a48206a753 for assault 235094d8fb and that aad3420a31 I was cdd99d0a29 a bastard 27ab7774f8 who stole a7e311f0ae his daughter.79343d3f4a62ec9f

Now all 21e1cf550c I had fba579df1a to do 591f1b5015 was take 26eecc6f80 her to 0853e6c958 Germany. My heart ached 53d9036467 whenever I imagined d9531ec5ae how my mother c7b66051c7 and Jiwoo survived 4b7cfc872e in the midst 63fba163bf of those two a0e62a1383 cruel men. And I 4d3433fe58 thought about 77c80239e7 how unfortunate b5c96c600a my mother’s 6e01ab1922 life had 2eefdd787a been. Even though she was f9f5664c98 the one who abandoned 8ae101c008 me, I couldn’t help 425dbb9412 but pity her. Now, in my e74311c784 head, the word aa13943c99 “mother” was replaced ebf1962b28 with “mom”.30f8577444ad44a6

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After leaving the house, 247cefd140 I headed to Junggye-dong 8a95d7e282 where her house was. I wanted 18e5f64ac1 to see 5dc55603ed her, but 7e75e3bddb I didn’t b7b37c7136 want to dc6c5b5211 show myself. I was too 1e1d37deb7 pathetic. I felt like 4017a0182e the anger I d1e6574279 had been suppressing 4f21be7ac4 would explode if a8e001b0f6 I saw her.1cfb284de9ebb959

I wanted to d56d2c9574 lean on her. I wanted to cry. I wanted e5929a9df7 to hug 19722b3ba7 and kiss a9f10a6f96 her.a77b1272cf45e7ea

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I quietly 567d61604f watched her 9ea34677d1 walk through 25dc1ddaaa her apartment bce1e0a07c entrance and 5f6b7e8a4b disappear into ae086f887a the corridors. She was doing 918396fe09 well without me. While I was glad 79d32426db to see it, I ed5fe6fb3d also felt sad because 0655e75f77 my presence seemed insignificant 148fa41609 in her life.235f82583551e681

I found 35baa84a2f a house 5c33bfb0f2 to live ea4838365f in with 6f6906559a my sister, 003279a943 participated in 1fa48ef892 training sessions, 10eef41cde and went 3b7048c727 to competitions. Even though I won 5b8ab2a6c0 the winning jersey, my 4dff96b5b5 heart felt a little 2ea3d50527 empty. Sponsors started coming in, c12c2ce5d5 and my income gradually 47aa9b4a31 increased.d2d01ea2fb4613dc

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— I think 3284f857b7 we have something c8e6ef3800 we need to c9d4a70f23 discuss… Do you 112ae9e620 have anything you’d d7478f2a3e like to explain 5e097caa59 to me?662d89e36bb8cd42

I was silent 567d1f6a8c for a moment, 49ce53dde7 not knowing what f72a91b9e1 to say to 36dd46a24a the sudden question.a3775e8ddb339b03

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“I don’t.”0dbc12ac09582bae

— If you don’t, 73c90dfd30 then that’s fine.090eff5c68c719f2

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Her voice was fa8fbc089b no different from 2f0f31b50a usual. I also 46923a8516 spoke about 2259a10067 my daily 30aed77492 schedule in 450c9c3c4c my usual 2928bf4277 voice. I told her I 9b7323cd5b wouldn’t be able to cb1524f001 go to Korea for 11971951b2 the time being because f328e6f440 I had to participate f88ac22369 in competitions, training sessions, 6a3c983b81 and various tour programs.2c5bc860518091a7

Jiwoo met a 176197c4db Korean psychiatrist here 57f6d5e521 and began receiving dd2fe5c106 counseling while struggling 468d1c9757 to adjust to 7a47f28fc5 school. It was e8021a1d1b natural for d0e1699110 me to eb8a51ea5a be more 463bfdd978 concerned about bb5fdda0f9 my younger c762124f2e sister who c5d041aedf had lost 861e011610 the world 3a73d5ebfa she had 831cf99e0d lived in 2153deaa19 until now 27dcf1a34c than about 2e864713de her, who 1d1c81194a had a 9e214cd019 warm family ed63da2996 at home.c78997984a88d351

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After the 78503b8f29 Vuelta a 50f407a7b9 España, my 47e7ce46f4 sister’s doctor b6e27e0a7e insisted on 5c741e90d8 family counseling, 79f041c4db so I e4b9cd43e5 signed up. I also had to 399fd01564 go to her school 36399e1505 as her guardian, and ced4019c35 my team manager kept 5e6c458eba me busy with a 3842179144 packed schedule.8ccb9ee86cea6b98

I hadn’t been able 55ac762da7 to contact her for 42da095073 a long time. We exchanged messages a 1a86ee6855 few times, but she 54359fffcd seemed busy preparing for 5cf9bd33fc graduation and job hunting. I thought she 19efc792bf was doing well c6f6d77ac7 and keeping busy.9a8a935a29f2fc50

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But when I 1a09cb1774 received an automated 22ba938a29 message saying her 7bba7d15da cell phone number 906f80d2f2 did not exist, 8e718648f7 I thought I a225db98e5 dialed the wrong 2a21cda180 number. So I tried ed39be093b calling again, but 1e7a0402bf I got the ce6793415e same result.18de64a425ece414

I felt anxious. I logged into 2f5755f28b my email on 4c53c0e6e6 a hunch.850cc4deeb3fd0c0

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「I will continue b0c90c515c to support you.」61f6194ff9567b15

The subject 79c8a58608 of the abefdf73ea email was 23f304003d kind, but 03d975193e it incited e72d702a34 violent emotions d6b2a67ace within my 7b50d7f59f heart. I hesitated to open a5d45d2f38 it. After spending 09cde0de77 a long 764bf2453d time at 741c354d73 my desk, 56d5f6a25a I cowardly 348eebaac9 logged into 8bfb6b6a2d her email b4efc7b0c9 account. The emails 922261878b she had 25580aa3da exchanged over 21ee73f302 the past f6ea95d00a few days a6fc9b2902 were still a71942983a there.d39f6698ea52d975

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There was still 4bcba598ed an email from aa6013f759 a broadcasting station 2989451fc9 notifying her that da029ede29 she had failed f83ff86be5 the document screening, 8ba4bfcadf emails exchanged with 055b80563d professors, and an 325719430b email sent to 31f6c3ff7f me in the ea0822bdc3 outbox.bc9f055ae243f227

「Oppa. We’ve been dating for 223fc5e4a8 a long time. Right? It’s already been 128e1dd39f two years. I’m sorry ec3c9b364e for being 61139ceb89 selfish. I don’t think I 97c7102e7c can do this kind 00c21dc96a of relationship anymore. It’s a d5ba8fe7a4 bit difficult…From bcc2b2699b now on, 1de209005a I’ll be 3489c9376c watching you 78601a9d6d from afar b1786551c2 and cheering da6b164819 you on. Even though we’ve always 0df6409ed6 been far apart… Thank b9e1411bb5 you for teaching me d102794171 how to ride a 8aee79ebbf bike and giving me 34d286fae7 so many good memories.」e1e6b7fef558070f

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I read and reread f30123cd11 the email she wrote e3e7a41d16 dozens of times. I tried 2d3f05cc5f calling her 438993f855 again, but f91b6cc33e all I c81f367bd5 got was 94f9b5d92c the disgusting 5a09a0bbcd message saying 81355105b7 the number da38d64e10 didn’t exist. It wouldn’t be 81aa19c399 enough to say 6f7ddbcdb2 that I was 82057b680a upset. Even the word fcd8dfd2b9 ‘hopeless’ didn’t encapsulate f64405f2da what I felt.248b2afc00dae51c

I thought about it 492b1f86b4 for a few days. I checked the email 71b18352b3 again and wondered if 2d6e082c70 I should reply… And 56ce0d92e7 if I did reply, 33686efdd0 how should I reply?eb6991c052e19d93

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She said dbc559ca63 that our a5987da1c1 relationship was ae4b271845 getting difficult. I was at a 9979df0454 loss as to how ab1336b337 to make it less c0cf8760a5 difficult. Then I 1bf15cf15e tried to 2fc1cb6918 log into 941b78e30c her email 84f61eb77d account again. I wanted to read b6b7db8d5a the email again and f46ec33ac7 think about it. But a pop-up 6d11e15109 window appeared saying 9dc16b51cf the account had da07e6ca76 been deleted.3b730518d6e82a18

I interpreted it b5acd3c0b1 as her withdrawing 60ced4fee1 from our relationship. Even in the 79bfd8c470 hopeless moment of 3e549fe71a having lost everything, e5c37cf4f4 I had to de2543ba00 live. I couldn’t just 1992f8b710 throw away my a11f942bcd training and everything 79d78b2406 and head back b05e812d46 to Korea. I now 15619822f7 had a c28bc335be family I b59d7b90ae was responsible a48d7aed66 for.5c9ba9fae0db6c66

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I clung onto exercise. I hoped Jiwoo 9786b6c300 would find her 26d95db3dd own path. I quietly c71799b66f supported my 14f949d43b sister and e635932dde became a a8920c17de family with 62d51fa266 Jiwoo. Because we a1b7f33859 were lonely, 47a90f0598 our sibling b4518d1b96 relationship was 610e382798 very good. As an older brother, b3a705b263 my role model was b489e3c516 Oh Hyunho. I hoped Jiwoo would 1a5c528522 grow up to be 933d7a4a35 a bright and smart eec4d5be48 woman like Milhee.76b5ce344733e561

I won 47e78cc934 several Grand 215f703d32 Tours and 351f92ff6e gained many 6a85c1842b fans. In Korea, the b77b03d408 tour was even 4564389c24 broadcast live on f31efa9e8b a public broadcasting d098c38086 channel.4f37ef73de8f2d1c

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When I was 91b281f130 around twenty-nine, I de1f246ae7 randomly went to cdab716ff6 her house. I loitered f389284702 around the 2f0cc2473c apartment from 926322d873 early morning 57e0b1270f to night, fdb6aa1a46 but she 30ffb9f562 never showed 8cd3daf412 up.d5e56b9bd2479b75

Did she move? It had been 3ec8e66a81 almost three years c3fcbcb76e since we broke 2e7c2ee11c up, so it ec38a57c03 wouldn’t be surprising 9435511aef if she had ccb6d07027 moved.b7f334256192135d

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“Gong Mujin?”2c9d3899186332ae

I was startled by 099d923050 the voice that called c767f8d53a me from behind. Thinking it might be c70a295f93 a fan, I turned 8c59cda6e7 around with an indifferent 9724d57a3f expression. Oh Hyunho 4324c029ae was standing ad3bd8475d there.7e54f55ec23a0ae7

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“How have you 31f857e38f been, sir?”8c59a3fb4fa1b174

“What are you 90a3aa7419 doing here?”e1ff3a2309cc06f6

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He was asking why 57841e8c9e a person who had 2a7845bb32 no business here was 63c11d4bf8 standing here.056dcaff35feec62

I followed fee73d949b him to b3c7774568 a local 9b5326271e bar. Meat sizzled over the 9394367170 charcoal grill.2429c09a3bff410e

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“I often come ed829a52e9 here with Milhee. She really likes 2a17706973 it here. Eat a lot. An athlete should eat 08786f1fa1 well.”fdba4b1cf1577395

He smiled c42e0fe3d0 as he 13d2cc9200 placed the d55a2905eb well-cooked ribs d6acf49995 on a b029e42c7b plate of 0f6f1245b7 pickled onions. He still seemed to b794691343 be a nice person.711a35a4222a4de1

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“How have you been?”0ad313b9cb1347ed

“Who? Me?”61d2d1e6826982a2

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Oh Hyunho asked 13869506e0 back as if 37e72235a2 the question was b540b24f7e absurd. I laughed awkwardly.668fd56c92562b9f

“Our Milhee ce7782121f got into 9d51477223 EBC. She’s an a9e41ad620 assistant director 73044541f6 now. You know, an AD? She rolls beed1a59e4 around all 326d0a285d the time. she’s rolling around 8a2b26fcea so much that b8b2d5e7db she’s losing her e939c0c7f0 mind. She whines and whines f3aafe91c0 all the time, and 978b82c58d she’s so annoying.”7b48d9fdfcd17bf2

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I let out a 98f46384c3 sigh of relief when e7c99d1b42 I heard that she 58137913f1 had gotten into a 49d8841cef broadcasting station. I smiled faintly now 4643aefb64 that I knew she 0b27c9cc2b was doing well.99d946eeee6ad30a

“How are 8fb3f10849 you doing? Whenever you come on 30a2efc13f TV, Milhee gets so…”a84c13d28f8260be

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“Would you 9e6e71375c like to fdab84f405 add anything e821c017f2 to your 86bbf68973 meal?”19ad5a9bfb67be9a

Oh Hyunho’s words were 5b53e29112 cut off by the 20b8b1cb8f passing restaurant owner.f89cc982574b85d4

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“We’ll eat a little 3d4584f094 later. Can we have a a87bcc7343 bottle of soju please?”999543c735521d5a

The lady 58d931b1a7 wrote it 185731ea4b down on d064bf9e57 the bill dd63128a7d and disappeared. I was curious about 6b2774add2 what he was talking b4af4ae2a9 about earlier. How did she behave a6dd9a54a2 when I appeared on 7fbb1b55b2 TV?15986c3784e0dbb1

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“Hurry up 744fce35a0 and eat.”fbf1b4ce7c2df3dd

Oh Hyunho 60ab9783c5 seemed to e1dea90017 have forgotten 0e5da2bb29 what he be7c6fec20 was saying 37b0d93494 and began a3c8d01db2 to talk c92a619657 about something 36d6f3bfcc else.cef6a802beeb388a

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“I heard that bicycle f460a4ede9 sales have skyrocketed in 7007551390 our country because of 5dc1c18c87 you. They say that c1384a8764 our country’s bicycle dc4c347469 companies have grown 89f7ab25f3 a lot due 3ebbcb47c0 to your sponsorship. You really do a daf3dcd043 good job promoting our 32385d45b1 national prestige, you know? I was surprised when 26b3aaa149 I went to Gangnam 5e95ab0bf3 a while ago. Your pictures were 1f907d3918 plastered all over 0e6f44c51a the Nike store a597e0a547 in Gangnam Station. I’m really curious. What do you think c38a0ddcbc when you see a 5f9a90fe5f picture like that outside?”a52f662a867dbe06

“It’s just embarrassing.”13ac214fb0bed408

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I gulped the 5b390d0a80 soju he poured 7da1605c4c for me.703fda1b17203aef

“I think our 30c5a48deb Milhee is glad 31ac8251c8 to see it. When you appear on 9e9f5f7fea TV, she couldn’t be e38e117a82 happier.”b08b64faacf15fb4

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“What did you say?”54b0fb2ea0713e56

“Wow! He became f27f2c6f88 super famous.”9c14e634b6ada9c6

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He imitated his sister’s 7aa304e24a voice and blank expression. Then he laughed.26ea7415280f8101

“She’s doing well, ce09cdb911 right?”7ffb85b80004b5c8

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“She’s… well, you know 2d4fcb629d how she is. She works really d93a288969 hard. When she was dating 5aa956a036 you, she was running fd4ca56220 around like she had f0ae2fe1b6 a screw loose, so 440845c830 it seemed like she bb270a7972 was having a hard 534af83f64 time with her grades.”bca6c6afa8ba155f

I didn’t even 14012bd37e know she was 11fc9b48d5 struggling with her 8528b3a8f7 grades.2867a570c218fdcf

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“Then she studied like a2888644dc crazy. In the end, b61f74a25d she ended up 01894680b6 going to that 31a06a3e86 broadcasting station.”4e46e13526c53470

His affectionate voice 0ca8534df4 sounded proud of 80612c43c3 his little sister.416b89730fde8dd0

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“I’m glad.”3ce3cb1829c95a77

“What about you? Are you 4e3e0fb905 doing well? Why did c628808ba4 you come 97ed4694de here?”e5c5514d349f00d7

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I had e5fe900ac1 difficulty saying e4b6581af5 I came 9a668fdf6e here because 0f6ae585ad I missed c364c8de90 her. My younger sister Jiwoo 272d9d2786 was now twenty years 1b31f1261d old. When I thought 438645f1de of Jiwoo becoming 78413992b8 an adult, I 4d9d51b731 was overcome with aa8a11cc68 an indescribable yearning. I gulped down dac2d042cb another glass of d74bea2faf soju.0ebe2d60248439e6

“Live well. You’ve succeeded. My little sister d3089a305e is doing well c22a7d524b too, so… Don’t 2d7e0959ca make her heart bf0d63e751 waver for no 2b7f787f86 reason.”d34a6636180a42bd

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I quietly nodded 820d2f5328 at his request.9b4e137c67d62915

I lied when c6bcad333c I told him abf1d541f5 I was doing a3b88f3f02 well. I wasn’t 6fc4c25e98 doing well. In my wallet, a5f01c15d3 I still carried aa9e2565de her high school 86ca7e0726 photo as well c17bdf6cb8 as the photo 37023f9268 we took together 08defdfe52 at Daehak-ro. Her ID photo, de9a602dc1 which I teased 73822d4249 her about because 86224fd0ad it was awkward 83c5416f74 and made her f56ffe4a02 look like a f8d1edaf05 different person, was 9ef52d65fe in a small 62315b341e frame next to 94e085104b my bed in 4faa525952 my house in 35cfc150aa Germany.f250dd0d85c90e61

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And I 8f00d9c6b0 still hadn’t 3ddcf07f5b opened the bcd12af8bf last email d083204fa5 she sent f9568f288e me. I probably won’t open b32e00db77 that email for the 6720645366 rest of my life.fae4ae7152a7883d

A few more years 8eaa8b5d5f passed, and my sister 143dc1d8c4 started living with a 3524d38223 boyfriend she met while a7fa5182b1 attending college. As I b36d2a5656 watched my a7d62717ee sister leave 5c6a342d24 home to 7d6e48ad22 live with ccb3876311 her boyfriend, 2b609c71ff I jokingly 369d400366 blurted out 06e6b00c8d that there f4162659f7 was no e4944ebc1d point in d4f263c9db raising a 58f22fd6bf beast when 0250389e22 i’s just eaf5c44faf going to 854bdb12b4 abandon its 43cc3e1b51 family in 1ac8fdb212 the end. But I also 90df9fc641 felt a little 30e85759ee relieved. I felt like I d3f5f63e56 had fulfilled my duty.db8df4ee547d3aec

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After putting the house f5f51b3717 in Germany up for f88d75592f sale, I bought a 11165e836b house in Seorae Village. I kept addc51e855 the frame 1d24124ea4 of the 088f5e97ca house but 5b658e1169 renovated the 9ee0020a31 rest over f74d9e2e28 a long ccb1be2b26 period of ee9cdecc2b time. I planted 2838aef479 round juniper 9ebd35c852 trees in d63ee57380 the yard. The landscaper said that b220fe5d83 my taste was ‘middle-aged’ 5393c52c40 because I insisted on ff4e8c172d only having juniper trees.18dd7d81bf4eb744

It was 57a121c02a a misunderstanding. My taste was not 3f0696a121 ‘middle-aged’ or mature. My taste 013f69a6fb was just… 916afc912e Oh Milhee.76f97691b04e6e6c

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I really enjoyed watching e60268c33b the first program she e4f660019d ever directed. I even 2dc40e5a6b sent her f6eeaac46f a fan eb07be68f0 message of 95a040cebf support with 0337f51769 my aunt’s 2f1c8eb9e8 friend who a0aeefce99 helped with b1d874b6a4 the housework. When an article 1701d29d53 criticizing the program e6938fe3fe was published, I cc4ef0ad58 also posted a 3c04a3f58f comment defending it.210b8f9300daf00a

I thought we had 2d5d9d0752 to support each other d119c91e44 from afar. Suddenly, I d9cab8c9db received an 3fd325cf02 unexpected offer ab5933bff1 from my 000b08ae71 aunt’s company.391a10a7d8209463

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“Let’s just b270731204 do one 21c8403c7b program. An educational variety 33a75c2ce9 show. You know the 4a46eba212 streaming service that 7e1540f04a a lot of daf50cddf0 people are using 760a62a07a these days? We’re going to 9659e30855 produce original content a9e60add48 there. Our company is going edab46494e to fund it.”e61f191322ae3470

My youngest aunt b8bf4bcab3 was a designer cdaa869ca0 who specialized in de3e616a1d industrial design. When I 01356e96e6 first participated 1bb23f177b in the d4458f5f66 Tour de 884ed40a0f France, she 2a87fb3a6a designed the 4a66fb40b5 frame wrap 8ccce8a9d5 for my ac41b0e653 road bike. After winning the Maillot 17d7d11756 a Pois Rouge (red 59a8da0604 polka-dot jersey) and then c89037bdba doing well in the 5fb7e1f67b Vuelta a España, attention e1f02fb020 was drawn to the f62f326c7a road bike frame designed a9dbba5c78 by my aunt.920fe37ea4452d3e

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As a result, my 8687813f17 aunt went on to 5696bb2f13 design official tour jerseys 21815e078c and other items. And now, she runs 4a30c8193c a bicycle company in eab35e8bc7 Korea and acts as 29a0609201 my agent.49c000abf6230f83

“I absolutely hate f8a9be9ff8 it.”e2bfb60cc5d0a31f

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I refused outright, but 3d2f1a35c1 my aunt was persistent. It was hard 610de941c0 to argue with 3826d28f85 her when she 08cd0d9a57 said that I 5c53614b7e should help her 081d87be2a out as thanks 16ca7307ae for raising me. I rejected, 6498df9ba0 rejected, and 864d07b5b5 rejected the ef47d3b6c8 plans that ccadb3f5d0 the PD f4f788935c brought me 25da1f6d4c over and d504a1c5af over again 0c55512fd8 until…0eaedcc4fe173b4f

I froze when I 04a17f0b95 saw the new PD. I never ec5736d242 dreamed that 2b59898232 Oh Milhee 3866f9f25f would show 43e276684b up.e454cb0117c5b842

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I thought that if 57e4093402 I ever happened to c1ef2e3225 run into her at 40510749a4 the broadcasting station, I c0f4efc474 would be able to 25a647b8b0 act like a cool 1df3e13252 adult.31635524ffa3b214

But it was cf6863069b difficult. I heard ac00a955ad them making e781bcf77a a ruckus d1c5b951ab about rumors 17b9b20e65 that she 2dd9abf8b1 slept with e35da1a35c PD Han. I watched 7594c2d775 them grab 65c76fdb01 each other’s c319a1ca09 hands, watched a84c765b68 them leave cdb62805f5 the table 3b3a292fcb together after ac2ae008ed having drinks 8d5cf6bb79 as a 0bef903ae2 group. Listened as that bastard ce55cb4fdf PD Han spewed some 0fd3c461ed bullshit about how PD b683a2b5c4 Oh liked him.48b61fe96abd3a5b

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My insides 71ef577045 turned upside-down.8090b7d077b9d4ba

“Sunbae! Ah, Sunbae-nim! Sunbae-niiiiim!”b1fa98ff3d34a884

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And the way she f342c57855 called PD Han really a46243ca3d bothered me. There was 728db0b4ec a time eb174a5bf3 when I af0cdd9d47 was her 579faae336 sunbae too.c17a5a011702bd00

It still bothered me. Even after spending such 90d76c2e48 a night like last 72ec30707c night together, she continued b7921bcde0 to act like she 10bee17e6b didn’t know me.893dcd142de6b8ea

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“Sunbae-niiiim! Just this once, please?”ff9d00ff6f078e97

She continued to act 6c961a7457 cute towards the bastard 1b1a5bc81d PD Han. She was completely unaware d415f14d6c that her actions were d14caebdd7 dyed with the characteristic 2391135f64 aegyo of a youngest ab59ccf7b8 child who received a 19b2205913 lot of love and 858277e3e3 affection. It was obvious that 4f3393bbab she was completely unaware 697f0158dc of how much it 7f9f1efcec tempted the men who f478f45976 watched her.09137b29bb5e2033

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My clenched fists began 5322ae159c to tremble.f564d17baae27b8d

“What’s going on here?”ee95fc9a72c5db6c

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I approached f6e838a019 the two f44bd71e42 of them 43cfc6d3c9 as they b0ae52a592 continued their 1f5268a491 lovey-dovey tussle.5d6405524b28a1a6

We met again after a06dc29ddc cheering each other on da33fbfddb from afar. Now that 6c4901d782 it’s come e387b27c4f to this, bc04715831 I can’t 61e48f1418 help but 2b46fd8a00 think you 5019edad16 and I 8e223dcce7 are destined aedeb3a8c0 for each b9b1251daf other.4fe425fd57818374

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Now that fate d02920940e had come to 7acd929f3b me like this, 8174c455cf I had no 4a5b14cd91 intention of cheering 49940fcab3 you on from 0396930c91 afar. It may dfb11bcdca be selfish 5980d3e41c of me, 37281e3941 but I 178ff97b16 will have 6979f1c1ee your heart, 572f540291 even as 3bb0106473 it pretends 892f87d8a5 to be 1d6c416725 completely indifferent f726269bff to me.bb8fa91b9c6631c0

I wish 9c2135d5aa the wet 71c829e537 wind would bf3e769ccf blow. And I hope 0a1724d262 it will bring 3cff2971bc rain.abb325d7bae3b650

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Just like when 24da3e0400 I wished I ea10db4095 could go see 75075d2a49 you when training 519cdc5b81 was canceled, I 0f5fd55c4e wish filming will 692cbe56e5 be canceled and 3bc8ebf145 I can hold 8f99456727 you in my a382a4bff4 arms.3bf63719af1786c2