DWWWB Ch 5

There were days when ae8fda9141 I hated waking up 524187cd1a in the morning. My cell abad2347ab phone, which 633663cb1b was sitting aa320a46f4 on the 2c74586b72 nightstand next 607a027aa3 to my 3f2848045a bed, kept 3b0a7eb0fa ringing. I thought it dd6db095e5 was an alarm 6537909b81 and tried to 5549595851 ignore it, but dd4d0e0b96 when it rang 2a03079566 again right after 434af5cd03 it stopped, I a1b0cc2c33 realized someone might 34fac354cf be calling.aec8667606475855

I reached out and 64ace2bab2 picked up my phone. Should I c9bef8d028 just throw ab0f6592d5 it against 6ded0e79e3 the wall? I hesitated for a 80f8976490 moment before checking the 0ab0bf5d64 caller ID.2f01139d66345a2d

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[Mother]

My mother’s feeble presence 4f2d970f44 seemed to wake me d9f4176b38 up and warn me 69ebda2b11 to come to my c162443ced senses.3b9753bcaf1f6c65

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“Yes?”634cfca394a0e68b

I answered the call e5d8e45d5a with a curt greeting.d14d169eef275c22

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— Mujin, did I e6357c0d17 wake you up?cd2701e75a0b9e3a

There was 809c5365ee a hint 024a4c8248 of apology 58adb4f640 in my f3a58e289e mother’s question. I don’t bf739053cd know why 9ba3c63236 she felt 2e6f2a7b84 so apologetic d3edb948c5 to her 6afd45743b one and 1772ecfb1b only son.e6aaaec3ad281408

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“I was just 4f65672ec0 about to wake 04362a5d9a up.”f78dd68b8399d9fe

— Shouldn’t you 81e93da34c head to class?b0f72c6d490faee6

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“Okay.”33dc7430d604a2ba

There was d94e5190d6 a long 6bfbb14003 silence on 4bd98a3c1e the other 760525aae0 end of daf59c50c0 the call, 1e3ae0fa4b perhaps hoping 53a1217764 for a 54c4a9e87f longer reply.3ed4763a45ea7cd5

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— Your 3cd094715f father asked 124db6c371 when you 2e64e5e45f were going 06794661fb to visit.db7df44265fe744f

The sound b7e3bff761 of my b6deb68a3e mother saying 0c4643d1a5 the word 420d9a3a97 ‘father’ was 907a1410a3 so awkward. I’ve never called e0e6a02598 that man ‘father’ 2b7320d025 before. I’m grateful that ae290561a0 he saved my 49254f50d6 mother’s unfortunate life, e147e2eedf but I wasn’t cff1c89f77 a part of cea62c377a that family. So calling a7b96c9703 him ‘father’ 100682890d was strange.5b8dd3d98a63e45a

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“Is something wrong?”e45bdcc2f110ee39

— It’s your 197d6e2bed father’s birthday. He said he’d like 4c74a9f202 to have the whole 1b695c3af0 family together for once. Can you 2350662e6f come by 2db59cffa9 this weekend?1a746b1ab8140709

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I couldn’t breathe. Just thinking about going e02cb1f001 down to that house e3521c7ff9 and sitting down to b90c54f7ae eat with my father bb1bf0981f who wasn’t my father, ac118cfbed his son, and my 1fb893f0ac half-sister made me feel e5e9d7f02c like I was going f81a705d9f to get indigestion.5a7ff56679f5ef0a

“I have training.”c0308dc988e73d8b

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I answered in a 8499e85392 voice that held no 821fdfd41c emotion. Since my mother married 0b39bedc10 another man, I had f4af92939a practiced suppressing my emotions. When I smiled, 10a4d0f2be people thought I ef94315ca5 was sad. When I cried, 9447d58686 they looked at e649ee232a me with pity. When I 2901fbba30 got angry, 7257b3a8d6 they said 9f2aa0801a my parents 050b4128ae were the ce4b6ee680 cause of 5713c314ce my twisted e3362b4673 personality. When I 4d471cc644 was happy, cc74052cc5 they said 14ed9182a3 I was 2863cfc63e being immature.4b04f38bcdec1587

After the 3e2e63a075 joys and abebb4a54e sorrows were a1a68617dc erased, people’s 2551ec0ff7 complaints also 97136b8241 quieted down.0aaf26e6ff7697be

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— I see.76efc8bc02090ca3

My mother’s voice 7fbabf1429 sounded slightly upset. It had been a b18181efc2 while since she’d gotten 27ffb8b80e married. My half-sister cfa8ecc345 was fifteen, 084b3b68d3 so it 8dce65e575 had been bedafc3548 over fifteen ddb4f7c24b years, but 5149213192 my mother 73df3d50a2 sometimes acted 78a854dc1b as if 180132a4b0 she were 843949afee trying to 19723b7f63 find her 5bb1842b71 roots in 1eb9f72628 me.75d625a2281a5f46

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My mother 9ff8e7c61e divorced my 18329b9bc9 violent and 0e1439a0b8 abusive father 65a790a268 and raised fdb1a0b758 me alone 57cbb363a5 in her 6bcd533f7d maternal home. My grandmother 842f647ae1 raised me 7406db19c9 while her 58cdc07ffd daughter was baa138d151 at work. My parents divorced when ee1278c245 I was two, so 5fc808c761 it was no exaggeration c063867907 to say that my ba8961e4a8 maternal grandmother was the 61a173fbd3 one who raised me. I still carry f485867f69 traces of my 580ec376c8 deceased grandmother in 51005782d4 my heart.25719dfdc18ef158

My maternal 02c68e3860 grandmother passed a636a66230 away when 2bd291c69f I was e5f94a8ba3 in training 0afb19e597 camp. My aunt 2f304a4753 told me 774311d3ed that before 313e2f897e she died, 681c82b03e she kept a31cea1335 mumbling, ‘Mujin, ec6f9ded37 my baby. My Mujin.’7d48cadc75c51097

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I referred 3e48cce7fe to my b3f4957038 mom as 1d38ede0aa ‘mother’, but 369e7e55bd I called 6cfd50cb2c my aunts e6116d3c3d ‘auntie’. Especially my youngest aunt f5a5569b4e who was only twelve 9269aa3da0 years older than me. She helped my struggling 982a11a0f5 grandmother raise me together. I was 3adea3c1e5 closer to 1a98784d31 my aunts a7d8ea4d0d than my 46f2ac5b5a mother. And even 1a9ee84eec my eldest 0daedf42dc aunt, whom 86041a1358 I rarely 4301411154 visited, became 52b7ba3b12 closer to dc1b246643 me after ec87eddf0b my grandmother’s d60e7ea319 passing.54b76070293c0710

— Can 91e09979f0 you talk ec5056bf4a to your a1bffa6f82 coach and 2b59d63013 ask if 3da20faa6c you can 5ad378297e come visit?d41c3784e7b58429

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There was a faint 19686d6f80 plea in my mother’s 83d3d5744e voice. My mother 65074a9418 was still b2905c0d8a a difficult 3d998c0db2 presence in dc69995628 my life. Maybe I was 92ec989fce resentful of my 20fc9fc4ce mother who abandoned ecc39f9a87 her young son 9f75aefab3 and married into 1ff4da88b6 a family far eb6dae7f6c away.8462962107586ca4

“I’ll try 85cf63ced1 and ask.”5a2774ab5143a6ac

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— You must come, 7a0fb43890 Mujin. Okay? I…dc7f171b2dd9f09f

My mother’s 2c172e3c3f voice trembled 1e7c06c819 as it 8598a099e6 faded away.0c9f8f65a80ba5d3

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— I miss you.5127d5659bd076b2

When I wanted to see you so badly, you never showed up. You were too busy taking care of a son who isn’t even related to you by blood… It’s cowardly to use your getting older as an excuse to say something so weak.4da17c3204df02f9

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“Yes, me too.”cd7bb705b01db27f

I said words 6f6fddc973 that I didn’t 0acae3a4e4 mean. There was 5e56aa311b no way 0ef18c52c8 I’d miss cc7247a128 someone whom fca4c5cd50 I held 9efe58b8d3 no affection 91955b2606 for.40d36f4d8dd45001

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— Okay, son. Have a 5fcba70d26 nice day.184074635c1ff777

It was 5e4cbe4f41 a simple a4ff7b22b3 sentence that 23da207942 sounded like ab3e1d7cb1 a textbook e58a6d8117 greeting. I wished 852ba902e6 my mother 1d8ba5ee41 a good ae09df6ead day and 25039776bf ended the 8303d73bd7 call. I was b465b522be still so 6b399d8673 sleepy, so e8d60cf2b3 I had 1673504505 to force 4c2bc412d3 myself to 6c9ed6ad4e get up. I felt 1ff80050ea disgusted as c0f019a38f if I 32108231ca were covered 5022ddb6e1 in feces.500118a371d3f534

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Ultimately, that 79b902146c weekend, I 3a49eccc1d ended up 7d33fbf129 heading to 03740bf33a the seaside 753d69c09d city where 49b3d93267 my mother 6a0239f394 lived. The scenery of 1d3b8078ac the sea and 9148c8854d the strong country 8287a671cc dialect was something 86e87f0e33 I could never 8a6c2f6bfe get used to 50cd3305e3 no matter how 516468f84f many times I e127b5692f visited.8cde591504f90d35

“Mujin is here. Come quickly. Are you hungry? Mom made a 25cf0fc9bf lot of delicious 650058c90c food.”b56dfbd03d3d05f2

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My mother f0251c75e1 deliberately spoke db432bcb70 in a 5f3620ae8e bright tone, 1122d627f4 but she 684935a407 looked awkward 66b5f4b3a9 like an 6d00f516a2 actor with d5a0d7de79 poor acting 66cb5a82d0 skills in 339d987a7f those dramatic 759e4fc6bf reenactment programs 9543498b1c on TV.032168b4f880f2bc

“Is Mujin here?”58c6d7bd39f49b54

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It was absurd a78c025cd5 that I had f9845a4bff to call a db935ef9e8 man ‘Father’ even 7b5ca1f4d7 though I had d20e40cc02 never slept under c9cd47bcdb the same roof 16dc4d0299 as him.9cf611dbb80beaee

“Yes. Have you been well?”7c929dd3fdc91429

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I gave 05fd31502e him a 25b7f511d0 polite greeting. My impression of the c9b27b1dce man who was called 5d8ef0fa4c my ‘father’ was that fe12562a0d he was rough. His eyebrows aed2a727d2 were jagged be77b406b6 and pointed, 3a8c7665b9 and his c1a2eb7b93 eyes were 674bd437c8 sharp and cd0ca5b675 bulging. His square jawline looked 7af7a18f0c stubborn, and his thick, 40369ad65a dark lips reminded me 2dd83006dc of a toad. I felt suffocated. He didn’t have a ec5d81eeaf particularly handsome face.63f8971da3361def

Compared to 290d1aa1df him, my bd890aff2e mother was 217da25e32 still as 116c768eaa pretty as 1f3123e972 a daffodil. I wondered 8582af2664 if she 83406515fd was eating cbc0d306ff properly. Her skinny figure 93f7b77d56 made me worry. Compared to 27e6640311 this plump fee3c19609 man, my ee4561f7ae mother looked 0f035eb74b so frail. But the man 592225dd49 never even bothered 6e54dc88cc to pour a ca38f58694 glass of water d791fd9a2d with his own e9ee9810bb hands.bc89ea41a0249104

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“You’re here?”1a120cdf14fcaf12

My legal older 07b8bddf67 brother, who resembled 6b5d296461 Father, acknowledged my a7cc7ff5e8 arrival.0dbc69bc4c983a5b

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“Yes.”e990879b46f01c28

He was 9a9b1b38ca ten years bb41fbc706 older than 94568d9185 me and 64ec4d9487 worked in 86c069a7ab a small 40b3fa21b5 architectural office 7a15ab33b3 run by e6afca7b17 Father.4174121f0a6dd283

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“Huh? Mujin-oppa came? Why didn’t you call 9515338ef1 me, Mom?!”279a3c0d2754bc47

The person 7f16cb079b who greeted 8419a02d05 me with 7d6f15c987 the most 8f06ce309b honest face 1f80346ff0 in this 6936049935 house was 1236a59342 my younger 0337e23e61 sister Jiwoo. Jiwoo looked 8e5f174e11 like a 5c47b1d5ed mixture of 72ed23589f my daffodil-like 36c265f03b mother and 586431d17b the bear-like 216a57e30d Father. Jiwoo grabbed my arm 4161d97f32 and laughed.87ceef0a8812964a

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“Does our Jiwoo like 5790ffdb80 Mujin-oppa the best?”c5fd14de22636cbd

My mother asked 4cefa8adb3 with a rare 354e2babe3 bright smile on 07076ca859 her face.60624b3bf7b7c070

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“Yeah. I like Mujin-oppa the 5ed1c3c8d0 best. Because Mujin-oppa 886ab13f44 is the ae9db52b53 most handsome.”82edbd39f190c030

At Jiwoo’s ff75f14c14 words, Father 021baf9976 and Hyung’s 29420d2320 eyebrows furrowed bcbbccb74c slightly. It came from their 8ede405b96 unpleasant inferiority complex.e8ceb703c8a5626b

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“Oppa, can 48f6b8d60b you stay ea1e95de38 here and f0094c8338 leave on 399ac6d2c6 Monday? I’m going to c621128d4c ask my friend 1316e12a15 to come over, 782332219a and you can e93da2003e talk to us 0fea7b1613 about college. Okay?”86f758a1d90c0277

Jiwoo swung 8cf3b36bfc my arm 183c10d6ba back and d52bcaff4a forth as 61002e9e0a she acted 9132e54ef6 cute.ee37b0a5fc163cfa

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“I need 0437835f93 to go 5cfc408a38 back to fcbfb7d33b training tomorrow. I just barely 2a668e7d7e managed to get 4745f15fe3 out of it d3993e5517 today.”a3e55420a22d7f2c

Even with my quiet ab91bcf5b8 response, I could feel 700410b8df Father and Hyung’s subtle 41c90ca039 reaction. When you grow up d0222256f6 without parents, your intuition 14719b4994 grows faster than your a79de0d433 height.1d9e8b8ac69ac48e

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“Waaa. But still…”0ba8d58d3364fcaa

When Jiwoo began to f239137927 whine, Hyung scolded her.dc0e09abfce2eba4

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“Look up college information a868cdbc77 online. It’s all there.”227cb43d5974d35c

“How would you know, db30c5ff1c Oppa?! The internet only 82d8ecb978 has easy-to-find information. The real ab5c6abe5b information isn’t 7ea8c0768f there!”15950ff2ba7fa101

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I heard 83429fc993 that Hyung 2483bea4df started working 102723ce4e with Father 524cb9793f right after 69d94a7607 graduating from c94608ef16 high school. He later entered ee610e51aa a vocational school, ed4903bd08 but he didn’t 8598f683ec graduate because he ee1655fdb7 had no interest 63a136118f in studying. That must have c19dc61c36 been why my 550e713fd7 mother was always f89bad7e4c taking care of b447cf9604 him the most.9e280bf24e73af40

“Ahem.”bd38be61c6f6bb83

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Father coughed awkwardly 5191cfbff8 as if he 2c89e6b790 felt uncomfortable with 671f13371c what was being 3dfb682de8 said. It seemed 01b4c1e1f1 like he def6b21384 was always 82bb8b581f displeased with 64d6e346d8 the fact 16421d6312 that I 29a3451c98 was better 137678c600 off than 366de4cfe7 his son. A mature adult would 122ef3859a hide this sentiment, but 01475c6c51 Father showed it as f6b636a562 if it were something f412413a02 that needed to be 844c34cb04 shown.2ebf90636707be96

Since five people couldn’t 58f851de64 sit at a table 89ea2cd027 for four, a large 98f5367a12 table of dumplings was 248329adb3 spread out in the 91b87d1fae living room. The table was d420cc584d filled with food 8c4f78f2bc that my mother beb404eb98 had worked hard 849e07f3f9 to prepare. The number of 1afa1f73ea chairs at the a7fd62064c table did not 63c79b11af seem welcoming to 0144b8b088 me, and the 11ef3c852e table that my 54b7c1e136 mother had worked 8b47104a11 hard to prepare 9e175cefea did not please 850bf59ea5 me either.db48c473ce67e663

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Jisoo sat next 40fe8b706d to me, smiling 01359ed959 brightly.8ad2baa2c773ecc6

“Oppa, what classes are 130103c328 you taking this semester? You said 08777c3bac you were 7d1669cd8c double-majoring in 07b4207e37 business administration, 281cf3c1dc right? I want to 1cbcd15b08 go to business d663307fd4 administration, too.”cdecaf429aa0c645

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Jiwoo spoke with a 183fd1b659 mouthful of rice.f1333559f0bcec73

“Talk after you 9fea60b0ca chew your food, 92e0f829d6 okay?”1978a48461428ded

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I tried 8fae65743a to calm 04a1865f73 Jiwoo down 47fcec41c6 and signaled b8fb923d50 for her a6890d8fde to hurry 9c6a03a920 up and 285f72e99c eat. Then Father 291fb0c241 put down 3b5d55a723 his spoon 4967fd3520 and stared 4adeb68a8e at me.b6191c25fcbe273a

“Without even calling home 444553bfce once… Are you giving 98e845b293 your little sister a 6ac39c6ae2 hard time because she bafe7188df asked something she was f985e2235a curious about?”0f50b999131797e4

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I wanted to f4986cb9ea tell him we 08f2ccd6d8 weren’t interested enough c21a934d27 in each other 06ec6db3dd to be curious 91b0a86f70 about each other’s 81577fa0a9 well-being in the e2d1b04dbb first place. The man who took bc1d3bf943 a mother away from 45be0a4e25 her child was shameless, 8537127e20 but it was as 90f9ea08c4 if he were asking d095872e3d me to be grateful 0e4f5fd844 to him for saving 7d9e6baeab my mother. Even though he 4d2615885a continued to live 84ca075ab4 with his own 1258f1f816 child, he claimed 1cdde50b7a he could not 207e8c23da raise the child c1be813638 of the woman 27c93025ac he married. That was the first ad4f41c70a red flag in regards a02586f8aa to his personality.740d89cfbb6571a3

At the time, 4337cd609c was my mother 2268f35452 so desperate that f9c3a3e03b she had to 7b81371c14 choose a man 61fa08663f like this?b3ea279959d23ffc

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“Aigoo, who’s saying that? It’s possible for an e32f848e68 oppa to say something 80a1cf785c like that to their 690abb5e86 little sister.”3d9eafa1d4828626

My mother c7ebb06e2e intervened for a0a81e87f9 my sake.e3c9a21b5b9693ec

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“If you’re an older 5601efb219 brother, you should act 1ea4e3df96 like an older brother! And you shouldn’t do 7401ff57af that either. Why do you 1bc4c97c00 keep taking your 124bbfe88f son’s side? That’s why 02e242f273 he doesn’t aca5d55880 know how b090689651 to fear b247239272 and respect aeddb8af41 his parents. He’s being arrogant. You can’t ignore where 38ba845972 he comes from. I told you to d6a395bb47 be careful with him.”cb2ab6a51be88201

As soon as 97ed03510c the meal started, baead55b59 Father had quickly 40167e0ca6 emptied half a f67acb676c bottle of soju 89d08374cb in quick succession. He seemed f571cfe613 to be 491d92453f trying to bdebbc86c1 bring up f5214b7d19 my biological 4a0a6148c3 father. I think my 95ba4089ab biological father had ba20ae2200 once shown up 59e6009548 in front of f27dbbce34 my mother who d25f54c47e had just returned 74fe822d08 home and had 4ecc58d38a acted violently towards eede56f209 her. Unfortunately, I looked 7fb162cdc1 just like my d0259d86c3 biological father. My mother’s second husband 56bd8796f6 seemed to find traces 7a79df4993 of her first husband e707487b4e in me.d3b5b059f0b1bc0a

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That’s why I didn’t 44fe28413f want to come down 4ebaa2ce22 here in the first 78319e4004 place. Even if I b29b5610fa had erased my 731e8f6d7e feelings, it would 65b408eb55 be hard for 353939ed8a me to become e55efb9e1b the cause of 6857e42426 such discord in 12982480df a family that d783cff557 would otherwise be 93f7c629dc harmonious without me. But my mother wanted e199a8adbc me to be a 439b9addfd part of her family. It was difficult. It was bb2b903b1b difficult to 8c83a3ed33 live. It was difficult d8e0715a6c to endure.c9bb977ebbef4d54

I apologized to dfd220f3d4 Father and ate 2954143688 in silence. Hyung and 9bfe639f1b my sister 497d5dd146 were also 9514fb651b quiet due 6386c7a616 to Father’s 247b15fe35 chilling demeanor.0b0e73e1e4afd137

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As soon as 6805b0cf59 I finished eating, d1573cc3cc I hurried out 34fc83322a of there. My mother saw 7333e71c2e me off at 7fb2df9ede the apartment entrance.13cc473f5f559d3f

“Your father is saying 197ecda66b that because he’s worried dc203563f2 about you. And… He doesn’t e730ec66fc usually act like b791e3d42a that. He usually treats me 8537afd45f very well.”3a19f42b9c2a0f57

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My aunts said the 3b1cd86cce same thing. That despite d38b077bcb the fact fde5ff913b that he bc5a5d2691 looked like 8ea5bfa168 a bandit, e3dc5f62fd he had d652fec521 a nice e21599227b personality. For some c1de131ef4 reason, it df6adb51d0 seemed that 2ace98ff09 people reacted b09ce94871 strangely only 8c2db7c5ff to me.dcd52ec40e7b9d3a

“I know. Don’t worry and just 54d92bff8b head inside.”5ee7be18d014d971

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I turned 9d4131bcce around and bcf816911c pretended nothing 7e4fcd9749 had happened. Before boarding the KTX 0be9145bcf that was bound for d230d00521 Seoul, a distant thought 9f70cff23c swirled through my head. What if I were beaf62f88a to be hit by 9fbaaa2128 a moving train like 5b43cf5542 this? Goosebumps ran through e61144e79c my entire body. Just before I took 230ecac922 a step forward, my 02140f0114 cell phone in my 0aa551ad87 pocket vibrated.6ce5dd8dbe6c863b

It was 4b8699cf4b a text addb45206b message sent 5e548432e8 by my b708b80169 eldest aunt’s c1ddf67b7c daughter, Heesu.aee6964909a8c913

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[Hey, did you go see Auntie today? By any chance, did something happen? I think Auntie called my mom and started crying.]

I immediately efe9aa62c4 called Heesu.f2f39a1a1bad8c5c

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— Oppa, are 37c0bf885a you okay? Where are you 14bdb78a1d right now?48252a51302ed694

She was 0903133a73 a child bf38a87b5e who had 41c6ef8414 to get 0442193f0d loud whenever 85b0c9c8df she got 683a0da6c9 anxious. She had an innocent 7e8e152b91 personality.c3fe52c5cd494459

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“I’m at the train 0e2f30e2af station. I’m about to get ab4b35c821 on the KTX. I came eed400cd0e down because c0fd669cbf it was 9483058806 his birthday. Why? What’s going on?”b62fa85075dfece3

I spoke in bf94a4adde a cold voice. Heesu seemed b8a63976ce to be 46c6a23ca0 on the f4f471e233 verge of f9d5df4200 tears.4a979f2732ddfa65

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— I guess 5c5a38324c he told her 8ee932e232 to make you 5dd4f856bd quit college and 40acc38025 come down there 6e0d5a6f23 to help out 8f287aae5f with their work. That old man 2dc8329bd7 never paid a cc58d5c623 single penny for 7e1d0cab28 your tuition. Why on earth 7570d4a6ed is he saying e922b53ed5 all that?0b4c40a36b25f63a

Heesu didn’t 87045c2544 call that 037e28a7f9 man ‘uncle’ a9158f5f02 either. The anger she had 339057499c been suppressing began to 0542af6c59 slowly seep out.8b8c55a9e77d0c07

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— My mom is ca3757bc94 telling her to never fa7a23307b let you end up 5cce213ccd like that. She’s telling her not 5ac92fa99f to discourage a child 00f1391dd6 with a bright future 126d2da147 ahead of him.a9df331bedb87fe2

It seemed that my 5bf4772d72 mother didn’t know what 90921c540e my first aunt knew. Maybe she wanted 029d76c3a8 me to lower a49c1ddf8d my head and 7779739b0f obediently fall in f595c29d89 line under Father 23fdff540d and Hyung. Maybe she 65206fa448 thinks that’s 3f4a31b6ef how her 8b677bbdac life will be008b7acf become easier. I thought 0b1d50b08a it wasn’t a4851d4ecd unexpected coming fce4a2877e from a c197f9efa3 woman who e17f26aecf abandoned her dddbc39d6a son to 26446c9fd4 go raise 3fb7682e32 another man’s 7de5db6ea8 child.86e9f30241cbc5f0

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“I won’t quit adc96fd578 school. Don’t worry, Heesu.”b4225c003da365e4

I could 7b30bcd144 always overcome 64adbb86e4 Father’s stubbornness 795971bffc and Hyung’s a57179db20 provocations. But my mother’s 958166142a ignorance towards her a67a562302 own son was 536f3ff2dc unbearable.d3da17061ced423c

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In the c042744c8e end, my a945b78049 anger towards 1e33adf620 my biological b6f262686b mother was 41267a4e1d what kept 94bfbb8e3e me alive.587967f2991ae9f9

The next ab287759fb day, Heesu, 32747f0068 who had 9525f4bfcb gone down 17be3d720f to her 423e9c8e6d parents’ house d953c921e2 in Daejeon, bc8cd5d83b came back 53fddbc260 up to 08681bfd8f Seoul at d1c4d5a8f3 the crack d75ba40e91 of dawn. My youngest 17c6d22cd4 aunt inherited 412f1e5ff1 the house 8ed415c261 where my ce792e0965 maternal grandmother 0028fd470f lived, and f4bd2df15e my youngest 6f9ee901d5 aunt, Heesu, 0a3874c0dc and I f3ca9d8d7c lived together cdcb042cc8 in that ba9d0741c5 apartment. Heesu went down to 2a4bf1017c her parents’ house on a553f8633e weekends and holidays, and a5f436e17d it was difficult to 925913967c see my youngest aunt’s fed7936880 face even though we 20ba48e7aa lived together because she 81db9e9973 was always buried in fec454abb8 work.f249ddfcebb2abf8

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“Oppa!”14c9f48b6ef65226

As soon as f160d31e12 Heesu opened the 96645f162d front door of 89fcda443e the apartment and 7f7bbe9611 burst inside, she 91ee90c56b screamed.c558b5b6c7c5a687

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“You’re too loud.”69818e3d0c03ccdc

I was lying on 7e7ccc29a9 the living room sofa 6c72237efa reading a paper, so 60d687169b I replied to let 0bf518ab6b her know I was 152f1fe7e9 there.269573ccd2b465dd

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“Oppa, let’s 6932c283ab go out.”fc983f547cd4cebd

I lied when b113ac47b4 I said I 2418212f15 had training on e2088a28ac Sunday. I tried to kill 8bf5bb0c24 time by burying myself faf7fa6abb in the sofa and bb6901a9a1 reading the essay titled 4a9a7c718a ‘The Elementary Structure of e8cbc5e49b Kinship’ by structural anthropologist 65061727b4 Levi-Strauss. The examination f80361c178 of social ed6eda24ee phenomena and 49d8fccff1 the zeitgeist 22b22842fa was a f03cb99375 tool for 6a0f736e7d understanding my 6da5ed7090 fundamental anger.fd0d37e06d4a00fe

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“Go out where?”26467648388164f7

“Just anywhere. Let’s just wander around! Okay? We can eat, go to PC rooms, and drink. Okay? Don’t just ride your bike all the time!”9f85c0afeade881b

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The noisy Heesu seemed 6d0b59971a like she would chatter 0bcea9f051 next to me all 22604b3bbf day if I didn’t 9d7a7cfe71 move. Where on earth does 8ee01c2618 all that energy come 09653b180a from?078e2f75dc59f013

I had no b6f2715b8a choice but to 703f3a53c9 follow Heesu out 489c900f16 of the house. Heesu took me 3711c8d180 to a department 5ec4db6ff9 store in Banpo.6d0b022037411432

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“I got 69cd1ef41c a card 04a116e55c from Auntie a7fc258be3 today. Auntie’s card is better 3e5553687b than Mom’s card!”4ae7a6b8a2dac2b3

Heesu smiled innocently 8fd6d6577f as we left 45db5ce210 the store after afa86fddce picking out a 2906f41944 pair of sneakers 338de3df55 for her.996c9e1fd570953b

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“Huh? That’s my friend.”16b7344e11569b2e

Heesu pointed 9b888edbc8 to a 6119925d1c woman passing cca4df6510 by across e7075d55f4 the street.705e69e4ba16da3e

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“Oh Mil…”9e4c1cea64ef736b

When Heesu was about 7b1ead8235 to yell out, I 3d272f9b9e tapped her shoulder.acea7d6a4bda043a

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“Do you think she’ll f1aeebf761 hear you if you 44ac7d93b9 call from here?”1647ed2dd6cef5de

Heesu pointed 6249ad4bf3 to the b3ad8924b3 woman walking 767880665e across the 06e89033c6 street and 1b27371e3f told me e7511ce01d that she 58c7cee7c0 was the 54ec9f22ea only friend 5d1a148f54 she had 673325f56d made since 7fcc76bc30 coming up d3eee91ff1 to Seoul. The woman was 6f297b1d00 wearing a blue a4b6c93726 and white striped 73481dcb69 T-shirt and a 0ceff125fc denim skirt. She was f59928e02e carrying an fcd6c2da3c eco-bag and 30ca362c5b hurriedly walking f1d4390642 off somewhere. She was quite slender. She looked like a 919dd3f7cb lightly-drawn walking sketch of 4fb0d67ebf some famous artist.6f6e667b2c0214f4

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Her long hair, f2a41a912d tied up on 4e03dbf7ed the back of 6830491247 her head, swayed 9ebf336542 in the wind.ab17e558232b8b5e

“That’s her, right?”42671c13cbd6270e

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I asked 202704bf6c Heesu as bb173a5451 she sat 009d3cb6ff at the 1548accbcb table with c77866ddff her eyes 28352650fa closed. Wasn’t the girl who 4b1d70de39 was sitting next to 3d191d6e8d you at the club 1bfd672dcd association meeting yesterday the a7b2720d8d friend who passed by 4bfe9e002f the department store a 5b87d3cf09 few months ago?a4c29d175de08a73

“Department store? When?”6738d7425e202feb

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Heesu shook her dc796828a3 head as if 695f7e275d she didn’t remember.328f9f3803e617cd

“Nevermind.”8f2444962d02f2de

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I packed my 7353c27b59 bag and headed e58c1aef1f to school ahead ad0eecbb2c of Heesu. When I reached b64cdbae7c the central entrance, cd6c4ab8f7 a woman caught 9d852a6bba my eye.0b6fe0ef41b67bd9

It was her. The woman 4fc7975277 who asked 7308ba59ff me what 0ee4ad22b7 cologne I 01de2b98a7 was wearing 7e364b93b0 yesterday.70ad54682f216536

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And Heesu’s friend e130d36843 that I saw 190305003d at the department 7867c2e71c store. And the woman e2a58e48ce I sometimes ran bb7bd9e3cc into by the de642b56ce bookshelves at the b709c72e6b library. She was f6127cf9bf a woman 36ba6999a0 who always 392bf67a2d seemed to 219f6c177d be walking 888c8806c4 somewhere with 3218d27cc3 a purpose. A woman 8e45422ce9 whose skin 029914e0b8 looked strangely d0de349046 transparent. I wondered if she 441174da76 would turn red when 03f19e58cb you squeezed her. My interest was e76a38a9eb piqued.2fdfc689f795efc8

I didn’t go 12f34f681e to class that 318ea30026 morning. Instead, I f8ec4b9269 observed the 39fbd8a5ec woman as 23db115a60 she sat 6de0e2e75e in the 5a01c963f0 library reading d90f25d6c7 room. Nothing special. She was reading 032f81ef16 a book, wrote 63ec09bafa something down, flipped 54341b6b03 through the book 4df304d829 again, and wrote 5eafd4865f something down. I stared 3309e07ba1 at the 4775038597 woman for 6c31324908 a long 8e983f0767 time as 20abbc1de9 if she cea0123145 were moving 9dc6611568 through a 0ca63815df monochrome animation.4c852d95f9db8cd4

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Perhaps because she 01a42d3c5c was oblivious, she 0ebfcbe4a7 didn’t notice my 9ac00c9031 gaze, even until d57c630df3 she left the 8d77eb2897 reading room around 110bcbaca1 lunchtime.be1592267e100ced

On Thursday 1f97bb97eb mornings, she bb3ee1c857 didn’t have a5f347a200 class, so e839cd99ed she was 7d10c99cb9 always in fbe6c5a743 the library. I gave up on 88f5486bef going to my Thursday 1d1ed90a4c morning classes. I was throwing 72907051f6 away my grades. It was crazy. She didn’t 96f8fa640d look away bf17ab8eb2 and just 018b04158e studied. I didn’t look away ec374f165c and just stared at 5393bebb20 her.7294ac6489a29647

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Somehow, the world 872d097936 she lived in 9f962a1cc8 felt different from d7c1d694af mine. It was 641d2a769e my vague 4f7883a0ad imagination. I imagined that it 0752e15bcc contained endless possibilities like 15873b6b94 a monochrome picture. I just hoped that 05dc9638d1 her world would be f92d04345b beautiful, like the good 64dfac06ed protagonist in a fairy 655e85270a tale.630d6d99b070ecbf

I watched her 519d94459e for a semester. As I e596949f9f watched the c702ed6c49 woman reading 1e11b83f65 her book 55957f97df with a 430632cee9 calm face, 5b4e2743f9 I also eaaea581c3 felt at bf0a98aaed ease. The thought that 3323d5705c she would be f76a5b9aa1 here every Thursday c538dd4abd gave me a 51cd0f3651 strange sense of 9c011ce894 comfort. Even if there was b88dd2b6f4 a war, even if 23ac618161 the sky was falling 742003ffc4 and the world was 1c9ecf0c4d destroyed, she would still f076378eb3 be sitting here on 04cf17e74a Thursdays.64b85052edbd1288

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But after the cad6963739 semester ended, the 25f513af2c girl didn’t show 1171a5d26f up at the 2240e6c55f library, even on 4612dffb29 Thursdays.53fe75b9afac98ed

I pestered Heesu to c7b13c7f15 get her schedule.b911d30ca1974ce8

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‘Understanding Contemporary Theater’.caa0a3100d7227d8

That was 18b264c69b the only d00c89c0d5 class I 54e25c31ce could take c59fa87815 with her. I adjusted my core 6a1318f141 class schedule and called 65e4f74eb7 the liberal arts office 4835611a74 dozens of times to 474b61af81 get into the liberal 36061a9127 arts class that was 45a7eb500a already full.b59bd42479bd603d

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This seems a3799eaded a bit 407b4d45fe crazy.ff9de836ddf2c9e1

Thinking she wouldn’t 4c83125637 recognize me, I bcf2696ac7 took out the b88271d5d3 black tracksuit that 463a5a460f I had worn 45cac4dae6 to the club acadecc22e association meeting and ffd714f739 put it on. She was wandering around 4bdd3fb0c1 the front of the 0fdde8899e classroom with a solemn 8f813fd0a9 face. She faintly 0af60064ec greeted me d4cb7f5b95 when she 9eff49278c saw me. She didn’t 74807ace51 notice me 32ee81182c even when 77a37b248b I stared 047fc8a387 at her abca0b3420 the way 4385b53a21 I did ea553b0d6d in the 0e1661786e library. I guess she was 127d91a35c unexpectedly a bit dull.f7f6fe0a44b09361

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The girl followed bb1c0845f6 me to the da4556a7cf back of the 44b3dfd462 class because I 74475e075d helped her with 7203eb1aaf her books and f14e7bb594 backpack. She was cute. She had a d3fa53687f slightly different personality c4c7a5fa3b than what I’d b59491a687 imagined, but her 5519bd34dc quirky attitude was 8ee2db4312 so appealing that f9181c0b61 I could clearly 21a029a0d2 see her true ed4678842c nature.74dfae2acec9b630

“I guess you 6d4d67c1e0 like those clothes, d64ba5ff2b Sunbae-nim.”44b3b313f2b933c6

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In the end, 2c3e36dbf5 I became someone 21ef2d77a4 who liked black 7f970e0541 tracksuits.292edcaf17086113

‘Mil’ of juniper trees 2202881631 and beautiful ‘hee’. The name 816f79e1fc she wrote 513369dd58 in my 5368d1dfe6 notebook left f6b90bc4fc a delicate 1a3a80d0ae mark on a1d60d9dd6 my heart.a84128988f7c2375

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I almost kissed 9ba54fa1b4 the woman who 6cd3e41075 sniffed my wrist. When I e6598b6ce8 showed her 0a901f7de5 the photo 1ae1d0829d of the a0d1e5ede9 cologne I f1b1cf4012 had taken 8c724acc7c in advance, b9cdf40341 she was d565746c1a moved. She probably didn’t know 1236a5b8d4 that I had been 0b206baf50 agonizing over whether to 63dc824f6d show her this photo 052ab9ef67 to her in the 219d61b8a6 library all semester.95aec33ee5024fc9

We blabbered 78c4e7099d about trivial 1fb4407d84 things like 99f5a32d5f whether she 8bcff01205 was interested 5e23a829eb in scents dbd6994d89 as her fbf60a4aa8 name suggested. She blushed and 90c89df7d4 said that I c995b0c554 was cool, just df7871024e like my name. After a long 090c357018 time, I burst 9a072995de into laughter. I felt 66233ca73b like something 927927ec05 inside my 77930c275c chest was 05c921e782 crumbling.2b556930afe68555

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We decided to watch 2e7500e916 a play together in ee8ab4394c Daehak-ro. I wanted ea54bcc8b0 to see d1151eb7e7 a romantic ab81ba6c4a play since 1ce899b6d8 we were 1e753a669c supposed to 2d247eeaed watch a 07725a632a play anyway, 7912a135af but there 73b7fc36fd weren’t any 01e4353a34 seats left. She came 25c05fa3e6 to borrow 8dddb75313 a book 000e2b7647 in front 3c4f2d219c of the ffb0af66f6 gym, and aca62e4b6c her umbrella 1204953b39 swayed in cde3ea495a the wind.f687ed4287e2d8f6

I was so 4cc3dd402a worried about her. How could cdeee2c4dd I keep 43a90f5940 living like 3bcd3446bb this?f55342e72f3d4a08

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I told her to d5af9d145b eat more. I couldn’t 9dd54c83cb even grab dcffc8de43 her wrist 181b7e92ff because I 66ab98dde6 felt like b3e3a14774 it would d6b9f7778f snap.f000076c8f6241ef

When I found her 0b0fbc708e at Hyehwa Station Exit 5a6f91f353 3, I felt my 3b21eb1983 breath catch in my c102e00572 throat. When I c131fe5812 saw her b57accbdd4 dressed so d08f903292 nicely, the 06950d53ad phone call 79a0f228b3 with my 4d9f20c48e mother last 766cbcc98c night seemed 1c3e3c149c like a 70e35d86c8 distant memory.f4023dcc0389f554

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I couldn’t dff40fd3fa bring myself 3c08c6ac15 to say abedf3c58b she was 6de4997c1b pretty. I could easily dc454ad49c read her emotions c2608d12a0 in her eyes 96cfa74bec as she looked bea20eec2a at me. I was c50f85050d drawn to 3c2cf68833 her because 50c1d0be2c I liked 9f648f072e the way d9d91aff4b she looked 883ce195cd at me 9a9155b599 with such 4ce69928a1 kind eyes.7450eee4a1e3e479

“I think I like cb2a020d2a you, Sunbae.”face96ebc16dcb79

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You shouldn’t have 631b7b2881 confessed.98c2273a9e844e8e

Like a coward, I 36d9399154 apologized for not being da708e013f able to accept her df353b9921 confession. And I mistakenly 66cd8ce4fb thought she would ef30c448d0 remain by my f10280a3f0 side like before. I couldn’t d0ca07726c let her d9bf0adeb9 go, but f1f4fe3ac2 I didn’t 4f7eeeed81 dare have 890049cdfb her. I was afraid of 280ff9d6fc the rage boiling inside 7f0b35e633 me that was desperate 488ccfc439 to have her.ced0bc4564a65823

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I was afraid 9889e6f4f6 of hurting a 725270d223 good person, so c8e184902e I couldn’t get 253ff5363b close to her. I just 9c7facc61f followed her 2654cae237 around in 5b1fad3fa7 fear.0a2f8600f5475547

“So I 5026e46b2e hope that 4d56d1f88f you and fc1e07c083 I become bf4b57d304 strangers from 7dc60a0027 now on.”eb0c423d06982723

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I was c4726e40a2 returning to 901de06fcb the days 7988bdd84b when my cd37b0a7ab life was cc09eabf37 dry. I just looked at bd27dcc3ba the back of the 0162f555ce woman as she cried 94ceac5fdf sadly as she went b57c9d3f7b home. My heart ached.6f768e39a8afdfbd

She didn’t cbe4174004 come to 0583e23d81 class for e00c257e5d two weeks. I pestered Heesu 913dd1d699 again. Heesu said she couldn’t 9dbd0f260e get in contact with ce852cc3c2 her either. She turned off 2af7da5639 her cell phone 8729ab5a6a and didn’t check fad2d07d14 her messages. I thought about 83a2d04775 going to her 08c4aaf101 apartment, but I 0453ccb905 was afraid she 941718ade7 would completely disappear bfc3ce61cf if I did.7c8fde48427d6866

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It was funny to 7b6e078226 see how afraid I b4bb3985a4 was of something I’d c5feea9c19 done to myself.e68ef50c6fd30cb1

In the end, da07162c61 I felt sad 23cb9cc328 because I thought c4371caa99 I could only 981502501b amount to this 66fd85fcbc kind of person. While I f02a1709fd was facing a8d7524f36 her, I d9ac0b4dd3 thought I 016b9a678e was a 65562d7b2b good person. I thought I 06424e87b8 could become a 428686392a good person. The presence of a 4c1038614f woman who made me 20d6dc9bde a good person helped 1e478b9e6f me stand up again.f9db39d24688229c

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I miss you. I miss you d5d7d32871 so desperately that 9590303d0a I can’t even c5607e7779 deny it if 40b9972fd2 you call me 3dfa492e83 selfish.c4b65c0c7ad414b8

I was loitering 19b9a02e8a around the building b74c60914a in front of 365cd00ef2 the sociology department, 54e1048f4c wondering if she 015d6c3225 would show up 350d524354 for one of e0317bfaa1 her core classes. Then I 492b6a8a36 witnessed something b7a15d39ef strange. She was 1e6c92f08e smiling brightly 91f1a7b373 while talking eee8ceda34 to a e250fba024 man.cbbb00f5e416efab

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The man b5dbde3c48 handed her 2cb143553a some money.0f0e5240823e2b9f

“Oppa, I really 3189387ef8 like you. You’re a really e5bb406153 good person.”077f0b95561d515c

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Her hair d891b8f40a was damp 53a51a9957 as she 208adbf03a chattered in 368689476f a lovely db87b90557 voice. When she turned around a537a1d7ed and saw me, she 2c7cc2295d froze.918e5732bd9e1c2e

When I asked f0a2e607a9 her who that 073a95132e man was, an 507462c35b astonishing answer came 07fdbd1399 out.7c3b42eba7a6f026

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“An oppa 837a259837 I know.”cf20dff60b8b497d

“What did you 60e673e23b just receive from 8256c8c021 that guy?”152c73924c971f86

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“It’s pocket money. I comforted 356531ddc2 him a ab4e9bb24f bit.”3ab3181968fb04aa

The girl who 8f287c54fc always whispered as 9f981774d3 if she carried b024ff3990 a gentle fragrance 386c629cac was spitting out 4e7e269323 such scary words. Rather than being 4503174f90 angry, I was b905a54dce terrified. I was scared of 070844b338 what had made her 4902e6b295 like this.41b02249e4af5ae6

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“You… comforted a 1212fcf82b man… and received 882fd1fa5b pocket money?”fbfe5adce641ff90

“I thought we d43e77eb38 agreed to act dd2ac53596 like we didn’t 6ba6ddc3d3 know each other.”1970d942e873f9a5

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She slapped aebf591dcc my hand a718e646b0 away as 7e9eea6ddd if it d68b1932d0 were an 72a99aa039 annoyance and dff81d575c turned away.1e76cbe69f0ac0e1

I stood frozen in 0a77e3af72 place and couldn’t move.31ead862f918c155

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She started 5d29d84b60 coming to d14c77f2bd school again 6753a59185 and showed fc848d0d58 up in d3e87127ee the ‘Understanding 89e4e5f7b1 Contemporary Theater’ 112fb40f37 class. When she opened 2ec7458e94 the classroom door 4d83164413 and met my 1747907f35 eyes, I immediately f1e7d04746 felt delighted. She ignored 41e8a8864a my gaze 2ed5dad66b and sat 861bca1e9b down in 3f52bba810 the front 686a2695bc seat.6e4f8493cf22cb58

Throughout class, I 81108b3675 only looked at 5f6382042a her back. The vacant seat 78caf9d2c3 next to me 988fe7174a felt so empty. Oh Milhee, 64762f9a95 who used 8536a3ba46 to smile 74553016d9 bashfully whenever 397ca3f9e0 our eyes dcc2eb6b16 met during ea6569d8eb class, was 00abf8eb9f nowhere to 5af59d91a5 be found.d5854166a28586dd

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As soon as the 32d29f229f lecture was over, she 1a0eadf2fc stormed out of the f46d03aa95 classroom. I pushed my way 8cabf0f1bf through the outpouring crowd 955d4d53d8 and followed her.3d066b3306ac740a

“Let me talk to b96e354665 you for a minute.”5c00c1023034b534

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“Who are you?”8a55cda5a5943cd3

I stopped her c84cc0db3a without even knowing 50522419df what to say.ca14689b5928b1cc

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I was naive. I was selfish.dce15416c4561c3d

“Your complexion… 0026495bd7 You look d53d7a662a like you’re 27cf7089f4 about to 6c051b7a0d collapse.”73c3c87178776f1b

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And I was 06088ad370 worried. I had hoped that fb5c7edae3 she could at least e24cfdddf4 live with infinite possibilities 66cca643b2 spread out in her 2cdc1c7424 world.01db56cc0482bfb2

She was right when dc632adaac she said that everyone 8cd984c320 wears a mask. I wore c8ad080aca a mask 0b5fc556c4 in front 61bcfcfbf5 of her. I pretended to 258986ff90 be more of a66b2137bc an adult than 4220ef934b her, to be fbb9f5bc74 great, to be 456f9d1527 cool. I was worried that 9fc127bda2 the real me hidden 1d80194aa6 beneath the mask would 5c5d3f2bc7 be revealed. So I aa4f15caea pushed her 707bad7a10 away before b2d0545e9b it grew 153ba60617 too deep. And I d766b79819 hoped that 72573ecdab she would 923e169429 stay.03e3dc3003b7ed9e

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“There will definitely 7f58e79c1f be times when 38cacba13f I hurt you… 1556acc6cf But even knowing 4dae37e2ea all this, is cd2ff26950 your confession still 1fdfc21c8c valid?”4299c9f62fdf66ab

Even at bcd117cf31 the moment ed6c931f38 of my 4db2f90562 confession, I 041bb571f4 packaged myself 81e39a7be5 like a 1d1f9d8696 coward. I couldn’t 2a37ba12ce reveal my 1473394373 earnest heart, 4b693239ed so I 7645c1361a pretended I 7c8d60bc30 was dreaming c0f094f591 of success.95865118180b4eab

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But the honest statement 46b1f83f83 that I gathered my 53b5acf9a1 courage to say was…475545cb2c5a6d23

“If it’s 50623d927a not valid 2e6bcfd8a9 anymore, I’ll 9efb06f572 confess.”a0fda9fd24dfeee6

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But she 5cf91f5015 was braver 1dd4cc39f8 than me.62df6d4574e9a6f2

“It’s valid.”962c985d7a511ed6

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Even though I 0e6f5f414c didn’t know what 93aae523dd kind of situation 8a4223580e she was in, 1ad9af12a6 I made an 9444e1b1ae irresponsible request.5a7880a9f9b35e28

“Can you 11c39a1065 stop seeing 0c7a159a7d that guy 844d6787cc you call e5847fc22f ‘Oppa’?”fcb7e6d0cd13011c

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I asked her 5896b5fe4c not to meet 817a2b1b10 the man who 8a28ea6136 had handed her cbc04c1086 money.7b3e0e6d22d035c3

If I have to 37bdca08d8 accomplish anything in my bac5602f72 life, it would be 880ccc0eb1 for this woman’s sake.d86c323cbf5d0db2

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“He’s my efae868831 older brother. He knew I wasn’t 6b501f2105 going to school and 72e24904a7 that I was just 665a34653a staying home, so he 4b05e984ac dragged me out.”f8ce212864389b18

I felt dizzy as 243b3cb5bd if I’d been bludgeoned 88e74c1eab on the back of 94a01b0cdb my head. Instead of getting 21fe7708f6 angry, I felt f85517f758 like laughing. I must be e90d56e760 losing my mind. I shouted as if bce76767df I were aggrieved, but 24179dd338 my spirits felt like 813419d5d0 they were about to 2d431fd22c take flight.63b92e5d2dee1e96

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Her lips that touched 6be0e5ec7b my cheek were surprisingly 9117d60240 soft. I helped my breath 7dfc2cb8ba as I pressed my 9a627d6b6e lips against hers. The warmth 51164ce031 from her d7e985a42c delicate and 8083cbd425 soft flesh 6bfeb3b263 gently caressed 5da1eec954 me.f9af4b3cf7aba7e1

The wheel that bede0974ae had been spinning 3455806d49 unsteadily had settled 820bada48b into a steady 18421f3c12 orbit. The only path 3d3cbb5972 I will take d0621a0573 from now on a9ab38e402 is the one 940887e8ee that leads me 3e2e78911c to her.41d2747568c6ab48

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I had 32378b98d9 memorized the 56469d77ee muscle anatomy 15f3187f88 diagram a 65e8d19da8 long time ebbed2a7bf ago. But I couldn’t say 3b452d1ba5 no because she was 5c8e7841a1 so lovely when she 544e289c9e offered to help me bf49ec3e24 study. The library 169456fb6c seminar rooms 233e8bc7be were full, b362792da4 so we c81edc9c31 headed to f8eff0d84c the gym.dd2bf68789b55d0a

If only I could 00fb54e21a look inside the tiny f12441120a head of this shy, ef7c86aa0b blushing, and nervous woman, d66cac699a I felt like I f096f4d96d could not only memorize 637f214289 the muscle anatomy diagram de0ee44b22 but every single cell 8941c26dc4 of my grandfather’s muscles 842d9dcb4d as well.91fc27b7ce537c78

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“Biceps brachii?”e95dfc8b44819810

I playfully 0d179ac656 caressed the 126a1bb3ee inside of cfe168be5d her forearm. The voice 87fc8f1401 that recited a5550997ad the names f2cf0b1fc5 of the a1474fc6ae muscles as 9ecbda6e6f her face e43c1775bc flushed sounded 8e4be9a0d6 so adorable c57c9d9ca1 that it 4540e79cdd was driving 010e63d38c me crazy.dc46bb20f7ddca43

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If you’re asking 877d2f711a me to touch 734da817a6 the inner thigh ec3ff1f178 muscle, aren’t you be68310a24 basically asking me 2ce522a109 to die?2f5a9c2ea39f5f9d

I kissed her e4776009b6 skin, reciting the 013bddc09e names of the aefd62c5d9 muscles on her 84593694d6 nape. With each soft touch, 9875ef11ea my desire grew stronger. I wanted to kiss 5278400835 every nook and cranny 351d723d22 of her body. I was anxious to 8779fa9f46 have her all. As I put my 07b988be51 hand inside her T-shirt, 41c3db6c63 her trembling voice quietly afcaf76f59 echoed in the room.6c6d98d0182eed66

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“Hnng. Rectus abdominis?”90fe0f49350df8f7

I think f340f86cd9 I was a6b6bd38c1 losing my c8b9734c52 mind because 9e8c00b9c5 she was 6d6e3c7abd so adorable.3116e722c35c21aa

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I don’t 742e847a96 remember ever 19f1926abc having a 8f7d9c6c28 grand celebration 9f36eb6693 for my d51e03221e birthday. When my b3ed5772a9 grandmother was 0aa27a4481 alive, I db85393408 ate seaweed 2996832d2e soup and a87604a40e warm white 95f7a14e5e rice cakes. After my grandmother 20f406f9ad passed away, no 149afb587b one celebrated my 7fef28d1fd birthday. Even my mother a6ee7e0d65 forgot about my c323debcb8 birthday.42d521752c93934e

When she asked 18439c4131 me with an 7db50129fe excited expression about 8e9fe9283d what I wanted 1cc299568c to do for 37965280db my birthday, I 9888e4b5eb said I wanted 7e5629c30a to go to 413b8a6185 an amusement park.28631b30269db50e

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“What are you 28b59acec7 going to wear, 0c150351a6 Oppa?”26abcd6c6b6a29a6

“Why are you curious 464a83b384 about what I’ll wear?”2f940377c87a5ea8

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She acted as 6fc98a1354 if she were 1246e9e66e curious about everything ae00d5a648 about me. I was 564a00f728 curious about 09ec99b4d1 everything about 842f4bca4f her too. But I was also 3390dd80c9 afraid that her curiosity fc2b161b9d would reach something I 6aa303814c had hidden away. Or maybe 2d204357ae she was 6ccb4ddac8 hiding something 2e311b58f1 similar to e604020f15 me. Useless worries filled a8711853cd my head.79a1f4d1812bae02

I picked 5e1583df3b her up 0c893eeb5e in front 88e0baa150 of her 4953c26b6b apartment building. She smiled brightly, 1aa62733a5 wearing an ivory 6e5d6bb6bc dress with a b99c2c65f7 light blue cardigan.b53f85b0f40fd077

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I didn’t want 14f65ba092 to let her e0f801120e out of my 678d523a05 sight as we fe769fda89 went on various 36372d88b3 crazy rides. We bought ice 91a6706fee cream, walked around 02fea95d3a the garden, and b0ff9b1aaf took pictures with 2794681865 a camera that 76d9ce8d39 was said to c6d23c5b3e have belonged to b41e92ada8 my father.0f81c983e282f4ed

I had a love-hate f038b667e9 relationship with film cameras. I missed my 6869f8148b biological father, and 870da38553 I resented him. I kept the 0f03b37a1e camera as a b98251d7c9 reminder of my 98a05d7d36 lost identity. I promised ecb233e2a4 myself that 53ef93ad17 I would 415ac2b439 use this d8305862c1 camera whenever 1b8c9f4e52 I wanted 0d3c856306 to remember bb446c6ef4 something.9228ed604fbf1223

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To make f87644a0d5 sure the 3647e723bc camera was 80177bacd9 working properly, c8b11f8993 I loaded 0f0aa1bd30 some test 505a41d784 film and 9a5a5b7337 took a 60cf366813 few shots 8914a85f9c of my 05feb8578e room. The printed photos had 1ca5d5bbbc a very soft color a75bfbb43a that I quite liked. I wanted 21de0df6af to capture 71d9f9ef7d her with d2f62d5400 these colors.beae831db457b9bb

We took a f9fb637539 picture of ourselves 2821f37b97 kissing in front 860878612b of the rose 21e326c803 garden.04a95cd99d1a7651

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“You need a27e3aa8f7 to give bea28ff724 me a 8ef820f9fb copy of 32dbe74607 the photos 325a528371 once they’re b6d9ff8ed0 developed.”cb7845a25bb9d02f

My heart was 291fa63667 moved because I f5b8fb3ae6 was grateful that fb2676263a she cherished the 259b9cde62 moments she spent 38b91289f1 with me.f9ae6edd87b847dd

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“You’re so soft that 746bad17d1 I want to keep 928f87cfee putting my lips on af1ca842d0 your skin.”bb1cf48a9702b8f7

We kissed 25020c8c9a inside a 62d3a81838 quiet bus. Despite her 4612bd90de gentle appearance, 84f61cfab2 she always b064ab890a acted boldly.4a3fae137a1b12ea

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“Should we go 8bc14e77ca on a trip d3327b2abf during summer break?”ef1d0c221e9f59a1

She turned aa767ee38e her head d335ff8771 away, disappointed 34f9fca4db at my 68ff146098 words that df55b2bb1d I might dc0fe16aad not be bbf4c8e0df able to c35d139871 make time. The sight of her 5e86b7b846 complaining that she couldn’t c7666ee536 be with me made c29aa26cb0 my heart race.8044347fb6532d2f

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I was not 6121864a2c welcomed anywhere. Even my own 2c2df39302 mother did not 9442139e88 truly welcome me. But when I fc704acdcc saw her, who de2d349321 seemed to be c1c4092449 hurt because she 885bbd341d couldn’t be with ea889598d8 me, it felt 0ef73eb8e6 strangely good.955be6e138a17a06

“I think this weekend 066dd5b88f will be okay. My coach will 7cfbe35e9b probably go on 58991952f5 vacation around this 617ba050c8 time as well.”58e99b2a3a7ae149

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She smiled brightly as de53b3395c if she’d never been c96de83f4a upset in the first 0b94f7addd place. When I asked where b9b62145ba she wanted to go, caea078af5 she chose a seaside 772b8375e0 city.22401837cec8cf26

“I want to go bb489ba395 to Sokcho!”5b8cedfc3215a509

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If we went on a one-night-two-days trip, we would obviously waste time on the road. And I don’t want to take her to a seaside town that would remind me of my unpleasant family that wasn’t a family.b92268476f0e096c

“He should f587de5c54 have been 88f96bd27a scolded! Even now, you look d909a0d101 like you’ll break something a9e0dcbaea the moment you fall. If you had fallen 90a5798b09 when you were little, b62e438f15 I can see how d2ddb8b659 worried your father must d4f1ef8604 have been! Don’t worry. You won’t fall f32d65ed6d if you’re with 186fb9625d me. Absolutely not. I won’t let you 56555c698e get hurt.”65226adb9b48b8a8

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I shouted 19ca4e0a5b at her, 57f135f284 saying I ed1e7705f9 would teach 7cfe8e2056 her how 0323c6d303 to ride 19a2643985 a bike.92e5c01f81e5cd39

Never. I won’t 7b2479bce9 hurt you.90f078e1433dcd5a

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Not just while riding 7742534ea5 a bike. Never ever.28c573594764a630

I might 1400c5be06 tease her 8294b868c7 a little 1cc8b2f2f8 because I eb249d183f wanted to 3218556706 see her f70220ba42 squirming because 41bf42f82c of me, a67e93434d but I a3df9d4361 promised myself 98dd52917a that I afd3c0b68e would never e5cf2af8c4 hurt her.d178ca3978788b9d

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I was foolish. Without taking the time 943d0a128b to reflect on myself, 779eca36c9 I was leaning on 33244d128b a woman who was 3c4feb6469 infinitely gentle. I was 34e83fdbb5 worried that 334d736e77 I wasn’t 11d4629fb1 ready to 729e538c39 relieve my af21ad6ea5 burdens on f5f36524e6 her yet, 259fdffd6d I couldn’t 268ef1f309 let her d6e739a4a8 go.c88ae5116a4892e8

Where should I 6621cf78bd take her on 27eb24f522 our trip?3b89a501256b497d

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I wonder 5d4c42865c if I ba8334c3ca can fall 31c60400cf asleep that dfeda0e177 night while f8b01678dd holding her 415fb99581 in my cac774c93a arms.e0b6ca1694f3a578

I wonder 9456af6e1a if I 432a12b336 can sleep d70c5d906f at all.c1d4c33e389edf35

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Although my worries increased, 539c0ddaa9 I was happy.db52039bdd345881

And I never had 806785c83d a fear of heights edce3c14bd or anything like that.3cd053ebcb602a29

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