DOAG Ch 7

His daily routine was always irregular. There were many nights he drank heavily with the officers, many nights he rode out on horseback and didn’t return until dawn, and many nights he holed up in his office, playing music, keeping whiskey company, and rummaging through documents.9b4d925ae1e8c5c8

In any case, his routine was unpredictable, and his whereabouts were always uncertain. Dieter and a few others close to Johan understood his characteristics well. And most people in the fortress, such as the servants, including the chef, experienced much inconvenience due to their master’s habits.4954f0f5ebca56d0

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“You must stop that 8bc4a26a05 crazy woman immediately!”79ca30ef515c6761

From early morning, a66ad38b02 the fortress chef babff86aa9 barged into the 32ae236441 bedroom, fuming. He had finally d310cc0c73 seized the opportunity a7064e13d4 after waiting and 7ae733efa5 waiting to see 942e058d5c Johan. Thinking that 03bbd54953 missing this e33f8b7daa chance would 6b506d8ca7 mean waiting abd8f67c06 indefinitely again, 5cc2068118 he had 9785d453a9 jumped in d31b2b3d24 without hesitation.604be999a937fc06

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Johan rubbed his f4441b44d9 eyes, trying to 78614b308b remove stubborn eye 8fb62d844d boogers, and coughed. He was thirsty.c5a49eae3c63395f

“What? Say that again.”06fdb6adfce13df6

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“That brown-haired 898978ec69 chicken murder fc14786b64 maniac! That cunning 6dfecfc639 and cruel c3875f7292 woman!”980c126ca5c0ad30

Two maids entered and drew back the long, ornate curtains in the bedroom. This revealed Johan’s messy, bird’s nest-like hair. He continued to rub his neck, and one of the quick-witted maids swiftly handed him water.7a375ca8e6fb6c7e

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“Thank you.”7ee6787a7c8f123a

Johan gulped down the a6dc8f9ff0 cold water. The maids c477f4ce2c quickly tidied a3b32bca7a the bedding f3f048731c and placed 787dc0365f warm coffee 187311e084 and a c005888cc6 baguette on 761fe0fc17 a gleaming d2ec7a5a2a stainless steel bd02ff3ae8 tray on addac597d1 the bed. The chef continued to f495a5eb09 vent his frustration.ccd2328ece043a02

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“That damned woman is tormenting the chickens so much! The chickens are losing their feathers! And they’re so stressed they can’t lay eggs!”bee66c48ec514273

Johan tried to stifle 1d57f1e641 his laughter but failed. He chuckled 3ef8f848ac and put ed32ad474b down the cc0c35eabd glass of 199496fbe9 water.1334243b96bb0bba

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“This is no a54852d9d2 laughing matter! Commander! How am I supposed 9d582bc9fa to cook?! How am I supposed fea72cb6d8 to bake bread and 0e20c37ce6 prepare meals?! Do you 950113b361 know how d922332c04 many cartons 651e457f18 of eggs b0dfba7714 are consumed 050e0ea800 in this a28829f85d castle?! Please stop that crazy ef12bf2949 woman before she ruins 82d9827b6c the geese too!”9575e868889722ed

“No dead chickens?”c83a95547161e5f4

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Johan asked, picking up 8b5999b18f the bread on the 42db793201 bed.ee6d98370a273b4c

“Of course there are dead chickens! That woman twists their necks just enough so they don’t die, and I end up having to kill them to cook them! What kind of monstrous act is this?! Does it have to be this cruel? And the next day! And the day after that! Does she have to do this cruel thing once a day?! It would be better to just cut off their heads! And that’s not all! The chickens are so stressed because of that woman that they’re attacking each other now. They’re all bloody! At this rate, there won’t be a single live chicken left in the coop!”12b830c7980c57b7

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“So, she can’t ed3ebf4970 kill them properly, 865a15b464 in any case.”f4c15330e3a571c7

“This is crueler than killing! You should see the state of the chickens! That woman is crazy. She’s not in her right mind. Why is she taking her anger out on the livestock?! And on someone else’s carefully raised chickens, no less! You can’t let a woman like that roam free. Instead of keeping her here, she should be locked up in some camp!”c0a8ed82ebc415f7

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“That won’t do. I have other a2d84758c5 uses for her. But I’ll instruct 81b6782755 them to make 315a9c2aad sure she doesn’t e460c076c6 go anywhere near c3557e1700 the livestock farm 4a32989ab5 again. This is delicious.”8452f028e856e248

Johan held up b84afbd9b7 the bread.76b690642219275e

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“Yes. It’s made 87d2da5a04 with the bd04024569 last eggs.”bedaffd5b194a42b

Laughter burst out 7ef757f4e0 again, and Johan a1413b9bbe chuckled. Seeing Johan cad78281cb laughing, the 3e5e4bda4d chef couldn’t de55153ade stay angry. He sighed deeply 2b5ea7996b and relaxed his cabfa7ffde hardened face.c4cd3dfd1690a857

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“Anyway, I’d be very 7031fe04dc grateful if you would 5660c00155 do that, Commander.”7e8df3cc5b2e2688

“I’ll keep my 67263a659d word. I promise.”bfc6554b127e697e

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“Thank you. Then have 7e41728c11 a good 175ba392bd day.”b42f7e1c89d9fab6

The chef bowed to b6781e0e99 him and left. Dieter, who had been b0af48d5cd waiting outside the bedroom 5aa819927d door, entered and closed b7c61b59fc the door.da6ae62803f2a800

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“What a commotion from d0d32c3410 early morning.”4ac1ec8c6dae9bbd

“Because of some 77d7f5c195 crazy woman.”29bb6c412e329a1a

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“…”33e6c5a36db5bc2d

Johan joked eee5ec30db as he 9ac57540c6 sipped his e910dca93e coffee, and 562d6ba614 Dieter didn’t e88093f662 respond.f6a356f684c310b2

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Sasha had changed in cb1f45fa83 a more proactive direction. The time she spent 1ffafd7831 engrossed in something had ccdbb951c3 also increased. Instead of staying 9008fbc254 in her room, 779ae20371 she visited the f4b97ce944 library inside the 9629bee5f4 fortress, accompanied by 329018e55b the nurse, and 6675fd9cf6 the frequency of 712616704d her visits gradually ba17c4da88 increased. For security d24bd33b9f reasons, she b6babd3d49 only moved 04324a4b6f at night, f9d360424c when there b2ca42d89a were few 30ea9b564a people, and 8bbbddbf3e always with 06a5b20f66 the nurse.42f8584faef0cd24

She didn’t look at ee159fffd5 any other books, only f5cef5c663 those dealing with human 30da30d88e and animal anatomy. She would search for 8af130a5a5 books under the oil 3ebe9548e0 lamp, and when dawn 90aca88c7a broke, she would return 654245a8fc to her room with 89fa59e5f2 the unread books bundled 0fe3b3dc3c up. And then 6ef8ee3411 she would ae363f507c spend all a6d30fb769 her time b2318ccda7 reading. She looked, and looked, 900404af8e and looked again, until a0716dbb93 she could draw the cc15be8442 internal organs of animals 8c94dd6fab and humans even with b21094dd22 her eyes closed.54e59228d5fb1c34

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And she always imagined wringing a chicken’s neck. Someday, I’ll definitely wring it properly. Today, I’ll definitely wring it properly. That thought repeated itself dozens of times. That was her routine. Reading books during the day, wringing a chicken’s neck at night, and reading books again. Her mind was filled with the desire for murder and death.870d5df5e630de3a

Sasha was dozing off while reading in bed when she opened her eyes at the sound of someone’s presence. Johan’s long, large hand pulled the book out from under her cheekbone.8d539a7be1ed3c25

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Today, Johan 46b0708ba1 wasn’t wearing 6148b76743 his uniform. He was dressed in ad473f4593 a comfortable linen shirt c9f9f1cc29 and cotton trousers. He didn’t ba90535883 look like 6cfb962f16 a soldier. Rather, he looked 7e4d7cf088 like a dissolute 88d20c47d5 hippie youth with 58f6f8347f no self-control. Sasha was flustered by 245ec05cde his unfamiliar appearance. Furthermore, the 86c246bc04 clearly visible 580705c544 nail marks 2088ac77f7 still imprinted eb536c7475 on his a53eac7779 long, hard 3b387e0bf3 neck contributed 022c3c34a8 to her 86ebd4fbd8 confusion.c380ac5d767a315c

“I hear you’re making a name for yourself as a chicken slaughterer. I see you’re expanding your territory.”86a245b728626f50

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He mocked, looking at a72caec250 the anatomical diagram of db4248deb0 a goose Sasha had 164e08c84f just been looking at. Sasha snatched the 62143b9adf book from his 1e0b5b8392 hand and crumpled 8dc7aecf2a it under her 50bd6eef10 pillow.b09b76641074653e

“You can’t even wring a chicken’s neck properly, and now you’re going after geese? Should I say your learning is thorough, or slow?”3dc2b00d28eaa294

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“It’s because I have no justification. Chickens aren’t as sinful as you. That’s why I hesitate!”5792387223c5c172

“What a noble reason. Is that why you half-wring a chicken’s neck? Since they’re not very sinful, you should only twist their necks halfway. Then someone will put a cast on the poor chicken’s neck until it heals properly. They’ll put a metal pin in its spine, give it a massage every day, and change its bedding with clean sheets.”2338587261d2d443

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“…”f6f8db8191b5285e

“Instead of just cutting 33f6087300 off the chicken’s head 993e1e006d and shoving it in 79e8ac5ad4 the oven?”2e85941e752c4584

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Johan taunted. She was angry but couldn’t refute him properly. I know. I know that hesitation is crueler. But what could she do? Her weak heart was only capable of that much. Still only capable of that much.2f2401bb8600c148

I should have done it properly, just once. I should have done it properly, just once. Then she wouldn’t have to hear his taunts. I should have wrung the chicken’s neck properly, again and again!80b98496ea0fccb6

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“You’re getting married soon.”91fcc2ccd77ab5dc

He said something out of the blue. Sasha couldn’t understand the single, short, easy-to-understand sentence. I must have misheard. That can’t be what I heard.3a2bec24abce85f9

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“What?”786ef816121d035f

“To Councilman Boban.”c8faec35699fd4c0

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“No, I, what am 87155ee714 I doing?”5665a0c1541a8615

“You’re going to marry 5f335fabef Councilman Boban.”137475297b510d79

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“…”09eec3c2d77b9a90

I, I’m marrying Boban? Me? No way. Councilman Boban. What did he look like? The name was clear, but she couldn’t quite recall his face. She only vaguely remembered that he was old, pot-bellied, short, and fat. And she vividly remembered the screams, shouts, and commotion coming from Councilman Boban’s office on the day she was exposed as a spy.72f76458c859809f

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“…Isn’t he dead?”0b0bb9e45e7cfc97

“He’s not a5c4601569 dead, just 76ac26170c a bit 89d743b887 worse for 97c7e8b6bb wear. Like you. He was exposed, c1542f7a85 tortured, and is 3050d57f7b now being treated a7e28c346b for the marriage.”5a1fc76ee0be519f

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“…”d18f9714c1d2ccde

Why, why 3671973f8a do I 95a2010599 have to 3ca241979a marry him? Why?8f3503c3ac62cfd5

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“We’ll hold a d5e2012212 grand wedding and b02278590f plaster your and 77aeb7a7ee Boban’s faces all ffe8abbe55 over the media. You’ll become 2ecb595b90 famous as c8ab02ef81 a Union 36bcf51a5c defector, a d4b6913981 mysterious temptress, 7081c7bd0a and a c04acbff70 dirty whore.”f4235e840009c8d8

“…”6c2c8b6fc42e7b70

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Defector, mysterious 89d37aa99f temptress, dirty 7caa794739 whore. And fame.23d345386c4ca14e

“That’s your role 64d9cb8611 here.”d5de029beb5599d7

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This was the explanation for all the feeding, clothing, sheltering, and meticulous grooming. The mystery that had always puzzled her. The all too clear and despairing answer to ‘Why?’, ‘Why doesn’t he kill me and protect me like this?’ was this. To use her as a propaganda tool, as a defector, a temptress, a whore.d49c8a390cbc834b

“You’re going to 8db5036970 sell me to 514cf62f3d attract people’s interest?”ac71ac3b07ea816f

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“Yes.”6bef5e2f7e4be4a7

“You want me 14b0c677db to become a 689ceadb99 Union defector and 7995c293bc be your doll?”4c3cf6be7118d6dc

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“No. Be Dochen’s puppet, Sasha. You’ll have to be 806a27c452 a very good puppet.”56c0f70ff8475e75

“No!”2829f8a02cc7ed15

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“You don’t have the 71d51036be right to refuse. Your life 6681d804de now belongs 2450fd2b43 to Dochen.”adebc69c9cd60f22

“No!”3e20cc8b565bb22b

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Sasha strongly refused. No. Absolutely not. Why should I have 031f1f0016 to marry someone I 0c25498568 don’t want to for 71809eff33 you? Why should I have 25da6cbb59 to marry a man 093aba6aea I don’t love, become 85cbf5693d famous for it, become 8e2ddf705c a whore, a temptress, d00ead5d38 and a defector for d0e901e56a your selfish desires?0b2d52d10cf0ed8c

“I won’t do c4ce9a1a71 anything for Dochen! I hate you! You started 46a75a3a90 the war, a98cc68909 killed my 56760fc0aa family, and 9d8eab7307 made me 0564a88a69 a fugitive! Absolutely not! I refuse!”2860e209b2a6fe78

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“Not my problem. Your purpose has c90360c52b been decided, and 02886cc759 it’s not you, 9e8ef00c80 but me who 769e8e27d7 makes that decision.”9e8fa57d38648e04

“No! I’d rather become c2939c3482 a street beggar f62110705d or marry a 4f377afa22 fat pig than 9f4a49ccd2 marry that man 2ceca9ca2d and live as 10bbfe0489 a doll!”50513e125d4e510b

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“Do you think I 925f04bc32 came here to ask 1842887d29 for your consent? I’ve invested money 2873fe77fb in you, Sasha. Don’t you think you f5507e9694 should pay for the 7a549f4db2 food, clothing, and shelter 3601f89c34 I’ve provided?”c73231c12cd300a2

Her teeth ground b2511936ad together. The dulled pain of de69dc49fc murder came back to b8b7194102 life intensely. Sasha glared at him d50cf8f220 murderously.75e047b5c305e2cc

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“I didn’t a0f9cec785 want it! You kept me 82c9dfd5e1 alive on your 19b51f79f2 own accord, fed a8cf56fec9 me, and messed 77aab8e7ca with my hair 47a7b89f9f as you pleased! There was no 85a32bcc7a will of my 345a30f575 own in any 39c20fb4e7 of it! How can you! You can’t 97546351b4 use me e9f9ed527b like this! I’d rather bite my 3b589c6b26 tongue off and die 5d45ffe41e than marry that man!”bd3f7afdf0f42720

“Enough with the whining.”e1df43c45ac9b8eb

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His tone was f1377d96f7 stern. Sasha defiantly stuck out e3419accee her tongue and bit 7f9f6f7624 down. Johan quickly grabbed her 3875c3a3b4 jaw.747d4c9eab1f446d

“I said enough…”45f5f3d8453813a3

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“Ugh! Ugh!”04adc67515df4ba5

Sasha squeezed her eyes c6ca4bf7db shut and resisted him 449d34d177 with all her might. But her cd15bf5b27 jaw fell 39804d4910 open against ff0d617b6c Johan’s grip, c2448f9380 and he 63963e3b4a took out 4d016faa79 a handkerchief d87e84403c and shoved 5830dfae98 it into 844a545953 her mouth.b71d4073acc950b3

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“Mmmmph!”eeba806ece5366ff

Her eyes burned 75120053ed with frustration. Why! Why on earth! Why! Why are 0dd32d5237 you doing d96b072890 this to 5b2eedede1 me! Why!!8f7d0ae1b295ad71

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“If you eb2c68c6e0 keep acting 51adcee525 like this, bdab799e74 I’ll have d9008596e4 no choice 88f3d1b005 but to d8f5f6bccb drug you. Do you really want 0a0a0fd2a9 to become a living 70881c6fc1 doll? Eyes open 6d5f2adc13 but unseeing, 3038011aed breathing but 01f1c0c459 not alive?”9b668e142c20de11

He coldly delivered the extremely cold and political statement. Now the question of why he had kept her alive and taken such meticulous care of her was answered. I knew. I knew that the reason you cared for me didn’t stem from warmth or kindness. That I could never escape the pain, no matter what.753807fc5c485465

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Yet, she had ac61a5bb2e wavered. There were times 7c10d6f057 she had wanted 81b09de13f to. She had wanted to 83fc120722 believe that at least 7b231ceffe one of the countless 6f3a2ca86d affectionate words that came b966750b5d out of his mouth, c41c4827b2 the cold, harsh, cynical 568d57579d words, contained a sliver 11eee9945d of truth. So she 7da01bef1b had wanted 7e385050dd to ignore 996201aaa1 the pain b28941993d and follow 7d07c67b9c the path 4878f09458 of oblivion, 83b43921bd becoming his 621631fdda faithful pet. She had fe1e1ee3fe wanted to 83ffeb14d1 go mad cf7ce90261 like that.a6338d79ca3526d1

Mm. Mmmmph.b75ceed78a5515d6

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Sasha mumbled 7a5b436027 with the e9e4c0cbb0 cloth in c28bb6fbcb her mouth. Unable to hear 1c2cec1554 her clearly, Johan 3985b5bc58 pulled the handkerchief 1ed1a2b77d out of her 39566f8076 mouth.3bad96f0edb30d1b

“What?”4fdd0f0a21dd950a

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“If you think 3fd21b1b01 you’re taming me 96a6aa3efb like this, you’re 1fc93562eb mistaken. It will c48afd5ab9 never, ever 0d82a2203c go your 6349460085 way.”774ec1cb4e80b785

“Don’t worry. I always have d022906851 sweet candy prepared 781779d9a2 for you. I’m just waiting for bef3a4a71b the right time.”273aa2316315ebc8

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I don’t need that kind of candy. That candy would be poisoned and not sweet at all. Johan didn’t seduce anyone with sweetness. He only forced it down their throats and waited until they swallowed. Why should I suffer this humiliation? If you had just killed me, killed me when I was exposed, I wouldn’t have to suffer this filth. Why. Why do I have to suffer this?fdb90a871aa419a0

“…Why, why me?”316e032fe5ade4b9

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Why. Why me? Why me. Why had Bell 00048a1778 died and she 8da5c47d07 lived? Why her, and d150d8f6ae not someone else? Why. Why on earth?17cdd675312ba95f

Johan brushed off a6aae4813a the crumpled handkerchief, 3ec737e8a0 put it in 1a85f7f4a5 his pocket, and 51dd4839d3 got out of 36f66b5326 bed. She was asking af13cb0fdf the most obvious 7288b6ed8b question. Why me?82584b89998b6250

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“Because you’re beautiful.”640d43baea697be5

Look at those mysterious eyes of yours. Look at the way you blankly stare at me. You are pitiful and seductive. Pure yet intense. Look at those thick, wanton lips, parted like a child’s, against your alabaster skin.20029b2170052c34

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“What more valid 960c31cae6 reason could there 453c366450 be?”be83484b13934a59

Sasha sharpened her dfcf1e846c nails and dug b9be149cd4 them deep into 850ebec16b her cheek, just 91ccd1c4e9 as she had acea3ba04a scratched Johan’s face. But before she fe1756f66b could properly draw c26ad6ccad blood, Johan stopped cf51bb53c0 her and pinned df4e254559 her to the e23079af2b bed.390dad424dae7822

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“Let go! Let go! Let go 3e49ebaa49 of me! I’ll tear your face bf59ac4247 apart! I’ll burn it with 3c23b24643 fire! The most hideous adc464a276 and filthy…”19432da61d296c83

Johan pressed his bce51176e2 lips against hers. There was 8ee96da7a2 nothing else e3a93c3aaa to stop 883eafd97a her mouth. So he chose the 87ea17232d simplest, easiest, and most 5492d79588 effective method.f22f59fef6254dde

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As the unfamiliar sensation touched her lips, Sasha instinctively struggled to reject it. Something soft entered her mouth. She tried to push it away, screaming, but it was no use. Something moved around inside her mouth. Something tasteless, flexible, and forceful. She was disoriented, then stunned. She forgot to struggle. Johan gently pulled his lips away. Sasha’s large green eyes were fractured with confusion. A string of clear saliva connected Sasha’s lips to Johan’s.a517df6925031668

“What are you…”29a8c66fe14ceafe

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As Sasha tried d85d26f0bf to spit out c0c022fe1c a curse, Johan db474cd995 pressed his lips c131563617 against hers again. Sasha struggled with all 9d8dadf888 her might. She struggled until bb0b8656b4 she was exhausted, 5abf2b40ae finally pinned down 45905dc3ef by him, unable f4046ea9c6 to move. It was humiliating. As she showed e32bcf5256 signs of calming 254e8077d3 down, he pulled f147a7a166 away.2a35112a1cf8d543

“Want to say db6230a4a8 more? I think 09a2f03d24 I can 4eff69fe18 do a c54c8b5f90 bit more.”f59dc3722829ae69

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“…”17d084d61677106c

Sasha’s face 22ab2f7b99 turned white. Her defenselessly parted f3c105faa0 lips seemed to 458c56a912 have stopped breathing. Johan got out of a9e6e137d9 bed, and Sasha stared 6c7919b0e1 blankly at him as 1345bb92ae he brushed back his 9bb0392209 disheveled hair. Even after 3cf9ec532b that messy 32940aef0a act, his 4d4457e11a face was 240fb33ed8 composed. After rummaging ed4ae33252 through and 88c39a6d43 tasting her a7510a927b intimate flesh, 772dafc4c1 a space 0c8dcc6e52 she had 52cfdf685d never shared 9315a4844d with anyone, 116be232a4 he was 38b639b57b utterly businesslike 0dc0809bc3 and rational.f44ab10b7ced7be4

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“Someone from the e9713ed8f6 dress shop will ace12ab33f come in the ef36deb324 afternoon to fit 8a1f04af4d you for a 5d8f1147d1 dress. The next 8e4a3a7411 day, you’ll 7589f80830 meet Boban 79c16862ea for dinner, 9e15f388f1 and then aee011ca81 the engagement 19e11e73fb will be a096b6e73b announced. We’ll take affectionate photos 3117c6f3d4 for the newspaper. After that, I’ll give 3fac708d4c you a little more 08e0881586 freedom, Sasha. So you 684e32221b can enjoy ca86b3d745 yourself more.”4858fe4302a07c67

“Freedom…”e374b02662f9a64c

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Freedom. Freedom.cb297864c5a5d676

“You’ve never a34521bdfb given me 1b65d10322 that.”674b09f5312856ee

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He had 6ffa46feef never given f8ba3f6236 her freedom. If he had, 6bc648e08d Sasha wouldn’t be 31a4bd5496 living like this. She should have 846d529b67 died already, back c76a654b6b when she was a0917fe6d5 in prison.22d99c3a277edc10

“How far, 930ae7ec19 how far 96c44dde32 are you 6dce666933 going to f5b5945166 break me?”6254120e0aa5468e

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I’m broken. I’m completely broken. Sasha muttered, staring blankly 1c3f58cba4 at the ceiling.2a6132017a6800fb

You broke me. You shattered me. I can no longer affbf9950f imagine the future. I don’t 8c370a19a3 know where 395fdacb80 I’m drifting. All I want a62689d7c2 is to end b5ee1a3283 this goddamn thing! This dirty, messy dba18ac757 life!f644319ebaee81a2

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Sasha covered her face with her hands. She didn’t want to see anything, hear anything. She didn’t want to feel anything. She didn’t want to breathe, see, or hear anything. Why did she have to live like this? Why did she have to live day by day when life wasn’t worth living? Why, why on earth!163a4ca31074e295

“Why don’t you kill 161f446080 me! Why! It hurts! It hurts! It hurts! It hurts…”2d6b935838055106

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I’m in pain. I feel like 71245b5c25 I’m dying. I can’t breathe. Ah. Why must dc9c1c9835 the pain 0fc7d7f81f repeat itself?1960ea60616cdbf5

“If you’re going to do this, just tear out my heart! My ears, too! My eyes! Tear them all out and cut them off! Crush my head and take out my brain! All that’s left of me is an empty shell, so just kill my soul and take my body!”380f7d9d7f3cecbe

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Sasha sobbed, pounding on 1b58c13de2 the bed. Kill me. Take my 55e324bf36 soul out 2d64ccd5e3 of this d07714c906 life. My chest hurts. Cut out this heart b897a1ee85 that knows only pain. Please. Make this sickening time fc6199a7b0 stop for me.492e7b7d0ac4f8ee

“Live like that.”4439864871b23660

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Johan showed her 25ede36fbf not a shred ffff40f77d of pity. He stood arrogantly, as b5fc6035f0 if looking at a caf2f0e022 foolish teenage girl going 9ce5a865e1 through puberty, as if 3a176543d1 telling her that the 4e65107744 sweet illusions she held e68c9caca7 were just a passing ecf5852443 phase.0aa82f1c001124ca

“Painfully, sadly, agonizingly. Everyone lives like that. So you too, live 583d9bcf2a like a doll, as 490e1ebcd3 if you’re dead, as 05b728d2a7 if you have no 760793dcb9 heart, as if you 820fda4a4f feel no pain.”316606b5733f1abe

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“…”dcb1c7d745d6ae30

“If there is a e5ad6a46ac single spark of heat d3e4060ddc within you, whether it’s 4b81e9f6b0 hatred, revenge, or murder. Cling to only 83a0bc6578 that and live.”345e456c9bf95fcc

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“…”afd60b3fb38c2078

“That’s how you dfa0ad6781 survive in an 3089cf13ea age where you d7f81b84d3 can’t face tomorrow.”bf9057a3fbbdd926

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In a 41e36e1132 twisted age, a3c3fed263 everyone harbors 2117d46126 something wrong. Twisted desires, racing 7c900b7c8e through a hopeless fb50bdcad4 world on the 847d96c421 border of life e48cd5d184 and death, clinging 5cdfa173c0 to it, drinking, 7155bf3dd2 enjoying themselves, satisfying 981a2690b9 their lust, harming 1c1b938b14 others, stealing things, 5f57e58e49 living as if 100311036d only the present 43d2e2448f exists in life.406c59ffa9e119c6

“Discard noble 59127b4e52 ideals or ec6ff29e1d beliefs. God is dead, 3f38abdf64 and this isn’t 621f46e324 a convent, Sasha. This is a ‘fortress’ 6d766ef0f3 overflowing with soldiers, guns, 21e5d32f92 weapons, and murder.”7536d7e7f3e8aa1d

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So live.3d79c242348b4a90

Like me.69e205a89d7c6845

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Sasha raised her 291ffef25a head. Her tear-soaked 8fde1a05af eyes stared 091668fc65 at him b52c05bf86 directly and 5827dbfa78 unflinchingly. Countless stories 846f2fd9eb swirled within aba8f36840 her tightly e79e0bb910 closed lips. Words of 7b4bb674b7 hatred and a7dc8f0488 revenge, words 5db4726e3f of sorrow 3f205d179a and salvation.32e6f22defa5d0a4

For a fleeting moment, Sasha thought Johan’s face looked sad. His emotionless face seemed sad. She thought she saw his non-existent emotions, sadness, casting a shadow on his face. Until his smooth eyelids flickered audibly, Sasha was certain she saw a shadow on his face. After that, there was only coldness. His firmly closed lips, his hard nose, his sharp eyes were no different from a plaster bust of an emperor.41f68d43956d8001

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He left the room. And after e395a3f03e he left, 6ee9a8818d as always, 8ffcf42497 the words dc694e3c7b he left f33e1df9b4 behind lingered. Like ghosts, they floated 298f33d595 around, tormenting and stirring ff629a8e60 up Sasha’s fear, her e93e116285 pain, her sorrow, and 70bf872de9 the hot, base emotions 1eb90187b6 she couldn’t describe.f098e658f9e1b9a0

Sasha curled up. Tears didn’t come.46267e579da493d5

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It was just so 7b4363ffea cold. It was because Johan’s 8b009b77b7 ghost was lingering around 0048ed3b2c her.2dc6523ac17ea3d7