Chapter 12.1 || Cruel Liar

Although Tennessee clearly said it would only be for today, Amber made the bed meticulously as if it would become their spot from now on. He even asked which side he should lie on.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“I’m sure it does.”

“…”

Tennessee cleanly ignored the implication of those words.

“Oh, are you very sleepy?”

Tennessee, who had perfectly finished preparing for bed, including brushing his teeth, responded like Pavlov’s dog from the moment Amber entered the room. His eyes, which had held a peculiar gleam, blinked. When Tennessee lay down, Amber carefully embraced him from behind.

At first, it was a light embrace, but soon Amber’s chest pressed against Tennessee’s back. By the time Tennessee was about to fall asleep, Amber had one arm around his waist and the other tucked under his nape, holding him deep against his chest.

He was clearly in his arms, yet he felt so anxious. His heart grew cold. Could one be afraid when too happy? Was this normal?

No one had taught him what love was or explained what fulfillment meant. Some had offered him imitations, while others presented poorly patched-together versions. Perhaps some were genuine things that appeared fake. But Amber had no way of knowing whether they were imitations or genuine. Regardless of the authenticity of that fulfillment, he didn’t want to receive anything unless it came from Tennessee.

So Amber didn’t question his natural anxiety. Nothing falls into place on its own. One always had to work hard and earn the right to something. Thus, Amber thought it was only natural that to be this happy, he had to live with this level of anxiety and coldness as payment.

“Amber.”

Amber belatedly realized that he had buried his lips in Tennessee’s nape, and not satisfied with just that, had bitten, licked, and sucked until he left three dark marks.

How blatant it must have been for Tennessee, who usually didn’t wake easily when sleeping together, to surface from his deep sleep.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing, go back to sleep.”

“Amber.”

At the repeated call, Amber adjusted his hold on Tennessee. He didn’t know what to say.

“Why can’t you sleep?”

Tennessee recalled how Amber had been particularly staying up late these days. It had been that way since their first day as lovers.

“It’s nothing.”

“Want to go for a walk?”

“At this hour?”

He doesn’t make empty promises. While Amber was groggily getting up, Tennessee had already left the bed and put on a hoodie.

“Want to take a drive around?”

“I’d like that.”

Anything would be fine. Whether a momentary deviation or a long journey. Wherever the destination might be, as long as they were together.

***

Tennessee was naturally heading for the driver’s seat, but thought for a moment and handed over the car keys. When Amber received them, Tennessee gestured toward the driver’s seat.

“You’ll get sleepy after driving for a while.”

“Good idea.”

“And you can see the night view you like.”

“You knew?”

“Of course, you still space out looking at it sometimes. Even more so in the beginning.”

In the studio with the night view, the young Amber would spend long periods, never tiring, looking down below. Sometimes carefully observing as if examining each individual life passing beneath his feet, and other times watching the roads with a contemplative gaze, chin propped up.

What had captured his heart so much? At the time, Tennessee had chosen not to ask.

Amber opened the driver’s side door with a smile.

As soon as he fastened his seatbelt, the car smoothly pulled out. Just like they had done before, they drove under the yellow streetlights with all the windows fully open, letting in the cool air. The wind tousled their hair thoroughly. Though chilly, it brought an equally liberating feeling that cleared their minds.

“I think I’m more awake because I’m feeling good.”

Amber said with a refreshing smile while facing the wind.

“Yeah?”

Tennessee’s hand suddenly reached out. Past the steering wheel, past Amber’s chest, he leaned in close enough for their scents to mingle. Soon the windows closed one by one.

After all the windows, including the sunroof, were closed and the wind stopped, Amber thought lightly that perhaps he wanted them closed, but Tennessee’s hand, rather than returning to its place, stopped somewhere. It was in an ambiguous spot that couldn’t quite be called either the knee or thigh.

Hmm. Amber glanced at Tennessee, who was looking straight ahead, then focused on driving. Though it was a sleepless city, there weren’t many cars due to the late hour. Occasionally, cars would pass by on either side, briefly illuminating Tennessee’s elegant brows before disappearing.

Hmm.

Looking now, Tennessee’s hand had moved up a bit higher. He could feel his palm on his thigh. Though it was just a hand, its weight was anything but light.

It’s hot.

Amber felt his throat burning and tried to turn on the air conditioning. When he moved slightly to press the button, Tennessee’s hand slid near his groin.

His fingertips were touching the inner thigh. Amber wet his tongue, feeling a response coming. He glanced at Tennessee, but couldn’t read his exact expression as he was looking out the window.

“Should we go around one more time?”

Without responding, Tennessee pointed to a spot. Besides the late hour, it was a secluded shoulder of the road where people wouldn’t normally come.

“Is it okay to stop here?”

“You can stop anywhere.”

Same words but clearly different meanings. Amber wet his tongue. It was an obvious signal that anyone but a fool would notice. His body, which had been waiting for an opportunity all along, swelled instantly after Tennessee’s signal.

While sweatpants might hide it, they couldn’t conceal an erect penis. The outline of the massive erection showed clearly.

“That was quick.”

“Hnngh.”

Amber took a deep breath as his cock was grabbed through the cotton of his sweatpants. Tennessee playfully stroked it up and down. The already growing member became even more impressive.

Unable to hold back, Amber pushed the driver’s seat back.

“Come up here.”

“What?”

“Tennessee, please.”

Amber’s words always took the form of requests. But in the sense that Tennessee couldn’t refuse them, Amber’s words were more like commands than pleas.

Straddling Amber with spread legs, Tennessee stroked his forehead.

“Look at this.”

He lightly tapped Amber’s cheek, telling him to look down. Amber had to watch as two erect members collided through their clothes, making swishing sounds as they rubbed together, then pressed hard against each other.

When Amber tilted his head back in pleasure, Tennessee bit his lips that seemed about to go dry.

“Hnng…”

Amber moaned through his teeth as their members pressed hard against each other. It was fortunate he was leaning against the backrest. Otherwise, he surely would have collapsed.

Where should I put my hands… Ah.

He couldn’t even complete his thoughts properly. Tennessee began making slow hip movements. With his mind clouding with pleasure, Amber hurriedly wrapped his arms around Tennessee’s waist.

Past the firm yet sensually masculine waist, his hands reached the shapely buttcheeks. He held them fully in both hands. With heated eyes, Amber watched as Tennessee, far from showing any displeasure, had a faint smile.

“Lips, haah-”

Kissing while moving was Tennessee’s habit, and following his lead had become Amber’s habit too.

Hurriedly kissing, Amber gripped the cheeks firmly in his hands. Their erections rubbed against each other.

“Haah, ah, so good.”

“Hnh, you like it?”

“Yeah, harder, more…”

It felt like his lower half was burning up. Below his knees, he felt like he would just melt away.

If it were him, he might have just moved back and forth without technique. Amber thought hazily that Tennessee seemed to have a knack for completely captivating someone’s soul. Or maybe it was just good because it was Tennessee, or perhaps both.

“Not paying attention?”

“Ugh.”

Amber shuddered as his nipple was pinched.

He was someone who hadn’t really been aware of his nipples’ existence until meeting Tennessee. But as time passed, he realized that when aroused, his nipples would become erect like a penis, grow redder, and the pleasure would intensify the more they were kneaded with the tongue, or the more he bit and sucked Tennessee’s nipples between his teeth.

Roughly pushing Tennessee’s t-shirt up to his collarbone, Amber stretched his neck to deeply bite his nipple until the wet sounds filled his ears. He held the nipple with his lips and sucked hard, then released it with a pop to admire the deeper color. Then he kneaded the center of the nipple with his tongue tip and swirled it around.

As Tennessee’s breathing grew rougher, Amber’s front became wetter. Amber hoped Tennessee would leak more pre-cum until it completely soaked his member.

“Amber…”

“Ye–, haah, yes?”

The movement, which had been regular and languid like swinging, began to intensify. As Tennessee put more force into his hip movements, both their breathing and the friction sounds grew louder.

Endlessly staring at Tennessee’s wet lips, Amber couldn’t hold back when Tennessee licked his lips.

“Hngh…!”

Seeing Amber’s pleasure-wracked expression, Tennessee too reached his limit.

Ah, it’s leaking.

As suppressed breaths burst forth, Amber trembled finely, feeling Tennessee’s orgasm. It felt as if a storm had swept through. His whole body was hot, and especially below was a mess with sweat and fluids. The pleasure pooled between his thighs, feeling stagnant rather than flowing.

As Amber held Tennessee and caught his breath, the latter pulled his shoulder back. Then one hand suddenly went to his groin.

“It got dirty.”

Soon the fingers that emerged from outside the pants were white and wet.

“We should clean it, Amber. That’s what good boys do.”

“Yes.”

Whatever Tennessee gave him. Amber willingly stuck out his tongue. The fingers, still holding warmth, touched his tongue. Amber moved his tongue without any hesitation. And looking up, he confirmed that pleasure had pooled in Tennessee’s eyes as well.

Amber wasn’t one to stay still. After cleanly licking up the fingers with sucking sounds, Amber had a refreshing smile. Before Tennessee could notice and try to pull away, he firmly held him and kissed his lips.

Though Tennessee stretched his neck away, when Amber followed his movement, Tennessee graciously conceded defeat. He opened his lips and extended his tongue to welcome him.

Amber panted from pleasure of a different kind, not physical. It was because just the intertwining of tongues created an illusion of their souls being together.

“From now on, tell me before you come.”

Tennessee said between panting breaths.

“If you spread your legs every time I’m about to come, I’ll say it.”

Haha. With a short laugh, Tennessee cleanly admitted defeat.

It was already late when they left the bed. After driving through the city and their mischievous act, it was only natural that dawn was breaking.

Whether it was from sweating or staying up almost all night, by the time they arrived home, Amber’s eyes were half-closed.

Upon returning home, Amber naturally lay down on Tennessee’s bed, as if it were his designated spot. Although he had clearly said it would only be for today, his brazen gesture suggested otherwise.

“Why are you lying here?”

Tennessee protested weakly, but

“Today isn’t over yet.”

With those words, Amber instantly broke down his defenses. Still standing by the doorway, Tennessee watched as Amber, lying on his side, extended one arm. He roughly straightened the bedding beside his and patted it. It meant. ‘come lie down’.

“You’re being cheeky again.”

Despite his complaint, Tennessee lay down next to Amber.

Yawning, Amber buried his nose in the back of Tennessee’s head. Tennessee’s scent was always faint. He could only smell it when holding him tightly in his arms, or like this, burying his nose against his skin. Whenever he sensed this scent, Amber felt his heart settle. It drove people crazy while simultaneously making them peaceful.

Amber exhaled contentedly, and Tennessee’s short hair swayed with his breath. And so Amber turned the pages of time indefinitely, lost in thought.

Unlike Amber, who was deep in contemplation while holding Tennessee, Tennessee had already fallen into a deep sleep long ago.

“Already asleep?”

Only steady breathing could be heard. Amber glanced at the window, which was gradually getting brighter. It was a time more suited to early morning than dawn.

So much time has passed already. I should get even a little sleep. Just as Amber thought this and was about to close his eyes.

“Get away.”

“…Tennessee?”

His drowsy eyes flew wide open. Amber quickly raised his upper body. It wasn’t Tennessee’s usual voice.

“Tennessee.”

Tennessee, who had just been peacefully sleeping on his side, now had his face contorted and covered with his palms.

“Snap out of it.”

Amber’s fingertips lightly brushed Tennessee’s shoulder, but Tennessee was startled as if it were hail hitting him. At the sudden flinch of his body, Amber pulled his hand back. Tennessee, who had been shaking his head, was gradually curling up into himself.

“Tennessee.”

Amber called him in a small voice. Tennessee gasped. Rough breaths rippled, and his fingertips tensed with stubborn force.

“Don’t do that, you’re hurting yourself, Tennessee, don’t.”

Long red lines appeared on Tennessee’s skin from his firmly planted nails. His arms and legs, filled with tension, trembled finely.

Tennessee curled up his body. In that sight, Amber saw both pain and resignation. The resignation and acceptance that appears in someone’s eyes when the sky turns pitch black and the world heads toward its end. Tennessee’s seizures thus stimulated all of Amber’s emotions.

“Tennessee.”

He called him with a trembling voice. He couldn’t even touch him. Except for the early stages of the seizure, he didn’t react sensitively to Amber’s caresses or comforting touches. As if remembering a familiar touch. However, now he was keenly alert even to Amber’s breathing.

With an increasingly hoarse voice, Tennessee said through his groans,

“Please.”

It was a plea.

“Leave me alone.”

It was also a cruel rejection. Gasping, Amber lowered his head. Though his body was without wounds, blood was flowing somewhere. He could feel himself getting soaked in the pooled blood.

“Please leave me alone.”

As Tennessee’s words continued, Amber swallowed his tears. In the pooled blood, something dark rose up. It was massive pain, sadness, and anxiety all at once. It was the sum of all nightmares and fears Amber possessed. With a giant-like body and a lion-like roar, it grabbed Amber’s throat.

“…You want me to leave you alone?”

With his wrists bound by pure pain, Amber got up. After staring at Tennessee for a long while, he left the bed. Tennessee’s pain-filled groans cut his earlobes like arrowheads.

Amber went to the kitchen and turned on the coffee machine. It was to get hot water. After an episode, Tennessee would often end up with wounds all over his body and a hoarse throat. He planned to brew him tea.

He took out teacups, tea leaves, bandages, and ointments. Looking at them spread out on the kitchen counter, Amber suddenly bit his lip.

That this was all he could do for someone in such pain. It became unbearable.

Tears welled up. Clearing his throat which was becoming choked with tears, Amber moved his trembling hands. Then Amber finally shed tears at his realization.

Even after spending daily life with him and becoming lovers, Amber always suffered from a vague anxiety that something wasn’t over. A formless fear that a crisis lurking somewhere, waiting for its chance, would strike at any moment.

Until now, Tennessee had been someone who never forgot to take back the happiness he had given, and Amber’s life had been a collection of such moments. And tragedy hadn’t forgotten to knock on his door. Finally, the moment of terror had arrived.

When he realized that this was that very moment, Amber, familiar with anxiety, paradoxically felt relief.

Ah, so this is it. This must have been the cause of my fears and anxieties.

Such was his frustration and relief.

***

When he was younger, Amber feared pain but not death. No, he barely remembered thinking about life and death in the first place. Each day passed quickly but left no memories, and he was busy just surviving each day, gasping for breath.

Back then, he feared the coming tomorrow. He thought it would just be another painful day, and perhaps because of that mindset, even small difficulties often appeared as insurmountable barriers.

However, after meeting Tennessee, his life changed dramatically. Each day was so brilliant that Amber, for the first time, began to fear death.