AES Ch2.2

“No, oppa. What if Seongwoo’s agency doesn’t let him join the club?”

Eunseo said with a kind face. The teacher immediately agreed.

“That’s true.”

“Seongwoo should stay with us, right?”

“Yes, that’s right.”

Humans instinctively crave the goodwill of others. Hearing those words made him so happy.

“No matter how you look at it, he’s a good find. He’ll look great on stage, and he seems to have a good screen presence.”

The teacher nodded in agreement.

“Exactly.”

“This face is comfortable. It has a story. Even if he just stands still, the audience will instinctively think, ‘Ah, there’s something there!'”

Then Eunseo smiled brightly.

“Actually, there’s nothing.”

It was a strange comment, whether it was a compliment or not. He couldn’t say anything in response.

✦✦✦

The drama club performed two plays at the winter festival. On the day the final roles were announced, Eunseo mentioned Ryu Seongwoo’s name. The atmosphere turned cold immediately.

“He barely comes to school.”

Someone said.

Everyone was looking at him. There was no affection in those countless gazes. They were filled with curiosity and suspicion. Because he always stuck to Eunseo, he had no close friends in the club, and the members did not harbor goodwill toward him.

Since his parents’ death in elementary school, he’d grown up on the fringes, so reading others’ emotions wasn’t difficult. Especially because the students didn’t bother hiding their feelings.

The situation gave him chills. He feared everyone would end up hating him. He was terrified of hostility in shared spaces. Living with his uncle, he faced it constantly, knowing how terrible it was. When he looked at Eunseo with a helpless expression, she just smiled.

“Seongwoo, you’ll do it, right?”

“…I’ll think about it.”

She approached and handed him the script. The stares followed him.

“There are many who can’t do it even if they want to.”

“But I’m just a first-year…”

“Someone capable should do it. It’s not the lead role, so give it a try.”

His hand was stepped on and a bone broke the next morning. His uncle left for work as if nothing happened, and Sihyeon endured the pain overnight. The hospital said he needed surgery the next day.

There was no way to afford the surgery.

He tried to get an advance on his part-time pay, but failed. The boss sent him home, saying there was no work for the injured and he should come back when he healed. Maybe it was fortunate he wasn’t fired.

There was nothing Ryu Seongwoo could do. He felt utterly helpless. There was only one solution he could think of.

He contacted Eunseo that evening. He doubted a student would have such money, but she was the wealthiest person he knew.

If she asked why he got hurt… he could say he fell, right? After borrowing the money, he’d have to cut expenses further. He’d need to get rid of his phone too. And secretly work more hours.

Lost in such thoughts, he waited for Eunseo. Under the streetlight near her upscale apartment, he stared blankly at his shadow. The surroundings were so quiet that he scratched the ground with his shoe just to make some noise.

Would she lend him money? Honestly, it was unlikely. It was a huge amount.

As time passed, his hope dwindled. But there was no choice. He had no one else to rely on. He couldn’t talk to teachers who treated him like a problem child, and he didn’t have friends he could confide in, as he rarely went to school and had no money. At that time, Ryu Seongwoo had no one to rely on.

“Seongwoo.”

At the sound of Eunseo’s voice, he lifted his head. He saw her walking, as she’d said she would after tutoring. Seeing her, tears welled up involuntarily. All the excuses he’d thought of vanished.

“What’s wrong?”

Wiping his tears with his uninjured hand, Sihyeon replied.

“Can you lend me some money?”

“How much?”

“A million won…”

“Why?”

“I hurt my hand and need surgery. I’m sorry.”

Eunseo didn’t ask anything. She just looked at his injured hand and said,

“I thought you skipped school because of puberty.”

Then she smiled broadly.

“You have a story.”

As their eyes met, Eunseo said she’d lend him the money. She also said he could pay it back slowly.

“You’ll do the play, right?”

“Yes…”

He couldn’t disobey Eunseo’s words. He was too grateful and kept saying thank you. Meanwhile, his hand hurt terribly.

✦✦✦

Winter was approaching. Finals were over. He practiced separately in the studio Eunseo had rented after his weekend part-time job. He had missed many club activities as he’d increased his part-time work, but the festival was less than a week away.

The character he played, Jim, visited his friend’s house and met his friend’s sister, Laura. Eunseo, though directing the play, took on the role of Laura during practice. That day, he looked at the beautiful Laura and rehearsed his lines.

“You have an inferiority complex inside. That’s why you have trouble relating to others.”

Laura was such a person. But Eunseo was too pretty and confident to play a character trapped in her own world.

“Someone has to fill your confidence. Instead of being shy, turning away, and blushing… that person will give you confidence.”

Smiling, he took Laura’s hand.

“Someone has to do it, Laura… Laura, someone has to kiss you!”

Those words felt like they were directed at himself, not at the perfect Laura standing in front of him. Next, Jim would kiss Laura. But there was no one to kiss Ryu Seongwoo. Nor was there anyone to say such things to him.

Cha Eunseo, who didn’t need Jim’s kiss, gave feedback as soon as the dialogue ended.

“Not bad just now. The problem is that your usual self is coming through.”

“What’s my usual self like?”

“Strangely gloomy.”

“…Is it that obvious?”

“I can see it. Others might not see it, but they’ll feel it.”

So, even to others, he seemed out of place. Cha Eunseo spoke to him as he felt slightly deflated.

“That’s why our Seongwoo doesn’t have friends.”

“Perhaps.”

“You need to hide that. The sadness, the difficulty. People don’t like loners.”

“I suppose so.”

“Act. Pretend to be cheerful. If it’s hard, just don’t speak at all. Always try to fit in with others.”

Cha Eunseo patted his shoulder with a smile.

“You’ve got talent, so you can handle this. Forget Ryu Seongwoo. Try to become the character you’re playing.”

After finishing her words, Cha Eunseo stood where Laura would be. She spoke with a smile, as she always did.

“The Jim you’re playing is confident and ambitious. He’s sociable too. Jim’s life would be more liveable than yours.”

He wished it wasn’t true, but that statement was one hundred percent fact.

“…Why are you so nice to me?”

“It helps me too. To direct, you need experiences like this, right?”

Cha Eunseo was always smiling. Somehow, he felt he knew what lay behind that smile, but at the same time, he didn’t want to know.

“Come with me for rehearsal tomorrow.”

That day, when he got home, his uncle was there. The sight of him sitting on the sofa with a scary expression made him shiver.

“Why are you so late?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Fuck, shouldn’t you have at least made dinner?”

“I didn’t know you were coming…”

“Do I have to report to you every time I come?”

“I was late because I was working part-time. I’m sorry.”

“Part-time work, huh. Don’t I give you living expenses?”

He couldn’t say, “You don’t,” so he just quietly watched his uncle’s mood.

“Hey.”

“Yes.”

“Come here.”

Trembling with anxiety, he approached his uncle. He couldn’t refuse. He just obeyed. When he stood before him, his uncle commanded, “Kneel.” So he knelt.

His uncle looked down at Sihyeon with a vile smile.

“Suck it.”

“What?”

“Stop acting innocent.”

He didn’t even have the energy to resist or reply. Negative emotions like helplessness and fear flooded in. Tears came out. He looked up at his uncle while crying, unable even to wipe his tears. There was no mercy in him. His uncle snapped.

“Don’t cry.”

He could see his uncle pulling his wrist to the zipper of his pants blurrily. His trembling hand grabbed the zipper.

“I… I can’t do it.”

“Do you want to do it after getting hit? Or just do it?”

Before he could answer, he got slapped. It hurt strangely because his uncle usually didn’t hit his face. It hurt like crazy because it was unfamiliar.

That day, he kept getting hit. He couldn’t go to rehearsal or even school. Only when he got used to sucking did he finally escape from him.

A few days later, when he went to school, it was noisy. It was festival day before he knew it.

In this bustling school, he was the only one not having fun. He walked through the noise, laughter, and music towards the small theater.

When he opened the door, he saw members finishing up the stage setup. They all looked at him with awkward expressions. Their awkward greetings felt off. People whispered to each other and called Cha Eunseo over.

He stood in the corridor with Cha Eunseo. The faint sound of music from outside the window was heard.

He looked at her smiling face. She was smiling, but it didn’t look like a happy expression. He understood then. Cha Eunseo was different from other high school students. She could make such complex expressions. She wore that multilayered smile and said nothing. That was scary.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t come to the rehearsal.”

He was the first to speak. He felt Cha Eunseo staring at his bruised lips.

Would Cha Eunseo… have guessed it?

He thought it would be good if she asked to some extent. Who hit you? Are you being abused? Yet, he hoped she wouldn’t ask. Because it was embarrassing, because it was pitiful. He couldn’t judge which was right.

“It’s okay. There’s an understudy. They did well in the rehearsal. They’ll go on stage today.”

“Yes…”

Eunseo approached him. With a very kind face, slowly smiling, she said,

“You owe me a big debt.”

It was a soft and beautiful voice with no anger.

“Just don’t forget that.”

He slowly nodded at her words. To a child who didn’t know the weight of a debt, it was a very sweet forgiveness.

✦✦✦

He managed to pay back all the surgery costs he borrowed from Eunseo just before she graduated. Having been accepted to the prestigious P University’s theater and film department, she seemed to have a bright future ahead, just as she always had.

He bought a single rose and attended Eunseo’s graduation ceremony. Seeing the countless bouquets in her arms, that single rose seemed really pathetic. Eunseo said, “Why did you even bring this?”

“I’ll contact you later, Seongwoo.”

“I don’t have a phone.”

“Ah, right. Can you at least give me your home address?”

“Yes.”

He hastily found paper and a pen, wrote down the address, and handed it to her.

“But be careful. My uncle might be there. He’s… quite strict.”

“Is that so?”

“When will you come?”

“I’ll come when I need to.”

It was an indefinite promise. And indeed, Eunseo never came.

He tried to tell himself that she was just busy now that she was a college student… But the more he thought about it, the simpler the reason was: there was no need or reason for her to come. Ryu Seongwoo was just one of the many insignificant people around her. Just as she had said, “You are useful to me,” she had taught and taken him around because it benefitted her.

High school senior year, endless days where there was nothing to do but think. That was the time he realized it every moment.

The reason he had so much time was that he couldn’t go to school often. The more his uncle beat him, the more scared he was that someone would report him. So, he gradually kept a closer watch and prevented him from going to school.

“Why do you think your uncle did that?”

A few years later, one day when he had grown up and changed his name, he asked the counselor.

“People like that build their self-esteem by trampling others. As you know, it’s never your fault, Sihyeon.”

But back then, Ryu Seongwoo was just a high school student. A child waiting to become an adult. His uncle said he would reveal the location of the columbarium where his grandmother was when he became an adult. He also threatened to dispose of the urn if he told anyone or reported him. He couldn’t resist because he felt too sorry for his innocent grandmother. After all, she didn’t want to have such a despicable son.

The hostages weren’t just his grandmother. The threat of “I’ll destroy everything if you don’t listen” also included his parents. All photos of his mom and dad were torn apart by his uncle. Naturally, there were no digital photos left. He hid the one remaining photo secretly under his mattress.

As a high school senior who rarely attended school, his teachers and people around him often asked if something was wrong. Every time, he lied, saying there was nothing. “I’m struggling financially and doing part-time jobs. I’m not going to college.” He practically scripted these lines and repeated them. And he always smiled as if nothing was wrong.

He knew nothing but how to act like an ordinary person. It was a time when everything regressed.

He didn’t even expect to inherit the wealth his uncle held as a guardian. He only hoped to find out where his grandmother was and escape somehow when he became an adult. He endured with that thought. He barely managed to complete his attendance and graduate.

But he couldn’t attend the graduation ceremony.

On the morning of the graduation day, his uncle happened to be home. He asked his uncle about his grandmother’s whereabouts. It was a weak form of resistance. His uncle laughed as if he had heard a joke. He had never seen such a despicable smile.

“So you think you’re an adult now?”

He got up from his seat.

“Stop fooling around.”

It was disgusting to see his uncle approaching. As soon as he got close, he was kicked and fell. When his uncle raised his hand, he instinctively curled up. Seeing that, his uncle laughed.

“Take it off.”

“What?”

“Shall I take it off for you?”

It felt ominous. His body reacted first, stepping back. Soon, he was blocked by a wall. Anyway, running would only get him beaten. It was a relief he couldn’t go further. His uncle laughed again, seeing him.

“You really don’t learn, do you?”

“Wait… just wait.”

Of course, it was useless to say that. While trembling, he saw his uncle approach. A blunt hand grabbed his pants.

“I’m quite a conscientious guy, you know. I’ve let you off easy so far.”

He blankly stared at his pants being pulled down. He could guess what would happen next.

“I’ll make you a real adult.”

He tightly shut his eyes. At least it was better than getting beaten. It would end soon anyway. No tears came anymore.

Around that time, his uncle quit his job and stayed home every day, while Ryu Seongwoo lived a life of nothing. He bowed, begged, and submitted; submitted, begged, and bowed.

He endured the pain every day but never found out where his grandmother was.

Instead, the day of liberation came.

The liberation had nothing to do with his will. One day it suddenly came. His drunk uncle went out to buy more liquor and was hit by a car while jaywalking. It was night, and the car fled, they said. His uncle bled too much and died on the spot.

Thanks to that, he got to see his uncle’s corpse, which he had only imagined. Seeing him dead and lying there, the once formidable man looked so pathetic. He was such a huge barrier, but he fell so easily. Was he nothing special after all?

It wasn’t a big deal.

Ah, it really wasn’t a big deal, I guess. Yet,

it was an insurmountable wall for him.

He looked at his uncle’s corpse laid out in the hospital. Half of his face was split, and his head was badly smashed. Aside from that, frustratingly, he seemed intact.

Did it hurt when he died? He hoped it had hurt a lot. More than what it looked like.

He signed the body release form. Very slowly, moving the pen deliberately to savor the joy as long as possible. He had never been this happy in his life. If feeling happy about someone’s death makes you a bad person, then he decided to be a bad person.

That day was the start of the monsoon season. Torrential rain poured down with a roar. Walking through the drizzling rain, his whole body felt cold. As his body grew heavy from the rain, he thought, please let him have gone to hell. Death should not be the end of life.

Hell had to exist.

At night, he fell asleep listening to the faint sound of the rain. That night, too, he had a dream.

In the dream, he was an elementary school student, falling endlessly. Inside the falling car, his mother was holding him. Even in the moment before death, she tried to protect her son. Her embrace was warm until the very end. Or, to say ‘the end’ was not quite right. In reality, there was an end to the fall, but in the dream, it just kept falling without end.

Before, he thought he should live hard because his mother had given her life to save him. But now, even those feelings had faded. He felt sorry for his mother, but… he had such selfish thoughts. He felt like he couldn’t be a good person either. It wouldn’t be bad if he just died like this. Why should he keep living?

He endured all the suffering as it was. Every time he closed his eyes, he dreamed of falling. He woke up repeatedly from shallow sleep. Still, he tried to keep sleeping. He ignored hunger and thirst, thinking that he might die in his sleep. The room was filled with silence. In that thick, heavy emptiness, he was dying.

But then,

There was a sound that broke the silence. At first, he didn’t recognize it. It was such a subtle stimulus. Maybe because he had submerged in silence, blocking all his senses, his perception was slow.

Ding-dong.

Listening again, it was the sound of the doorbell. He thought it was a mistake because no one was supposed to come. Anyway, he didn’t have the energy to move. So he just lay there. He thought he heard someone knocking on the door.

“Seongwoo! Are you home?”

Then he opened his eyes. There was someone who broke the silence and called his name. Someone wanted him. Just thinking that, tears streamed down his face.

Wiping away the tears, he struggled to get up. With no strength, he moved by holding onto tables, chairs, anything. Like a bird instinctively seeking its mother, he headed towards the door where the bell was ringing. When he finally opened the door, there was one person standing there.

It was Cha Eunseo. That vibrant, beautiful person was his first savior in life.

That’s what he thought then.

✦✦✦

Cha Eunseo was now a proper university student. He followed her to wash up and go outside. The outside was so bright it hurt his eyes.

Cha Eunseo bought him food, took him to a café, and ordered a drink for him. While sipping on some unknown sweet coffee, he talked about what had happened.

He listened quietly to the story of how his family was all gone. He heard about his uncle, the abuse he suffered, and how he had nothing left.

Then he realized that he had never told anyone about this. And he also realized that he wanted to tell someone.

“It’s best not to tell others about this. Their view of you would change.”

That was her initial reaction.

“Don’t trust others. I’m probably the only one who wouldn’t care about hearing this.”

They’ll despise and mock you. They’ll pretend to sympathize and be nice, but only on the surface. Cha Eunseo whispered so.

“Are there others like you?”

“Well, there might be. But can you find them?”

Her sweet voice said. The only person to trust was her.

“What are you going to do now?”

“I… don’t know. Everything’s just annoying.”

“You don’t really want to live, huh?”

Cha Eunseo pondered for a moment before making a new suggestion.

“Then let’s die.”

She said this with a bright smile.

“And be reborn.”

“What?”

“Think of yourself as a new person. Let’s start by changing your name.”

“…Does it have meaning?”

“Try it first, it’ll feel different.”

On the spot, they made up a new name. Taking one character from his mother’s and father’s names, they created ‘Sihyeon’. Cha Eunseo said it was good.

“Let’s take our time with the name change application, Sihyeon.”

Being called a different name suddenly felt strange.

“Say your name five times.”

“…Ryu Sihyeon.”

Ryu Sihyeon, Ryu Sihyeon, Ryu Sihyeon.

Ryu Sihyeon…

Ryu Seongwoo was a person he never wanted to be again. He had just killed off Ryu Seongwoo. And there was a beautiful accomplice to testify to that death.

Anyway, Ryu Seongwoo was nothing. No one would notice if he disappeared. So it was okay.

While thinking this, he stared blankly at the table, and a pile of bound papers came into his view. Looking up at Cha Eunseo, she spoke.

“I came here because of this today.”

“What is this?”

“A script.”

He picked it up blankly. On the cover of the script, the title was written in large letters: <Life and Death>. Life and death.

“It’s a senior’s work from school, and they’re looking for someone to play the lead. The image they’re looking for is similar to yours.”

In the café where music was playing, there were hardly any people other than himself and Cha Eunseo. Sihyeon began to read the script. The main character, Jo Yuseong, was a despicable scoundrel. However, at his core, he was someone who craved affection. Having never received proper love, he unconsciously yearned for it. Suddenly, he finds himself raising a child, and his desire for affection transforms into dedication to the child.

The music playing in the café felt alien. This work was not so romantic and calm. Jo Yuseong’s life was like that.

“Does this kind of content become popular?”

“Critics love this sort of thing. They go crazy for other people’s misfortunes.”

“I see.”

Certainly, Jo Yuseong was an unfortunate person. Nonetheless, whether as Ryu Seongwoo or Ryu Sihyeon, his life was better than mine. The fact that he had someone to pour his affection into was different from me. Also, his desire to be a good person, at least for his child.

“Rumor has it they haven’t found an actor they like for this role. I want you to do it.”

“Why?”

“I want to get closer to that senior through you.”

“Is he famous?”

“Sort of, in our department. He’s going to become even more famous. All the short films he’s made have gone to Cannes and Berlin. People say he could be the next Jung Youngwoo.”

Not knowing who Jung Youngwoo was, he just responded with an ‘Ah.’ Cha Eunseo then asked, “You don’t know?”

“He won the Palme d’Or at Cannes last year.”

“Oh, I see.”

Wanting to convince him due to his lack of reaction, Cha Eunseo said seriously:

“Let’s do this. I’ll help you prepare everything.”

“How will you help?”

“I’ve got a lot of time since it’s vacation. Let’s prepare for the audition together. Aren’t you lonely being by yourself anyway?”

…Lonely?

He had never thought about it until now. To be precise, he never had the luxury to think about it.

But after encountering Jo Yuseong, a character who craved affection and had emotions, things changed a bit. Comparing, even if both were at rock bottom, Ryu Sihyeon was more of a hollow person.

“I need that senior. I’m curious about how he directs, and he said he’d give good feedback on the script.”

He felt Cha Eunseo’s gaze on him. He couldn’t refuse in front of those eyes. He had always relied on Cha Eunseo’s help.

“Talented people like you might not understand, but some people would sell their souls to the devil for talent. That’s how I feel right now. So…”

With a beautiful smile, she said:

“Think of this as repaying a debt. Let’s live as Jo Yuseong for a while.”

Just then, the café staff brought over the ordered drinks. Cha Eunseo had ordered another one for Sihyeon to eat well. Watching Sihyeon taste the whipped cream on top of the drink, she said:

“Jo Yuseong’s life is definitely better than yours, right?”

✦✦✦

He met Director Lee Changhyeok that autumn.

He liked Sihyeon at first sight. “This is exactly the feeling I was looking for,” he said. Soon after, he asked for a reading and then a handshake, saying “I’m looking forward to working with you.”

Is this it? Sihyeon was slightly taken aback. Could something in life be this easy? This didn’t apply to either Ryu Sihyeon or Jo Yuseong.

“Mr. Ryu Sihyeon.”

“Yes.”

He had quickly adapted to the new name, but being called “actor” was still unfamiliar.

“Do you swear a lot?”

“Ah, yes.”

He mimicked his uncle’s way of saying “Shut up, you piece of shit” from the script. He received applause from the assistant director beside him. Sihyeon tried to smile like a sociable person. Cha Eunseo had taught him he should smile like that.

He met eyes with Director Lee Changhyeok in front of him. He was someone who smiled very quietly.

This man created Jo Yuseong. He thought so. Jo Yuseong’s wretched life, crude language, and his longing for affection – all of it came from this calm person’s mind. That was very strange.

✦✦✦

After finishing the funeral and returning from the hospital, the sun was already setting. The new agency and the newly rented house were about the same size as the old one. However, it was cleaner and felt more like a home. Normally, Sihyeon would have followed the doctor’s advice not to remain listless. He might have cleaned the house and cooked dinner. They said lying down doing nothing, like before, was poison for depression.

But today, he didn’t feel like doing any of that. There was no particular reason to live. Even taking medication felt like a miracle.

He turned on the TV and randomly flipped through channels, stopping at one broadcasting late-night news.

“Director Lee Changhyeok, whose film <Life and Death> was invited to this year’s Toronto International Film Festival…”

Sihyeon blankly stared at the screen. The portrait photo he had seen in the afternoon was used on the news. Even in that photo taken during his lifetime, Lee Changhyeok was smiling quietly. He never smiled more than that.

He hoped he didn’t suffer much at the moment of his death. He wished that in heaven, he would not be sad, depressed, or unhappy.

He turned off the TV and played some random classical music on his phone. Today’s music was a piano piece by Liszt. He remembered; Lee Changhyeok had told him to listen to classical music when he felt anxious.

“You must feel a great sense of loss from losing someone close.”

The doctor had said that today.

“It would be good to go out to gatherings, make friends, and focus on social activities.”

But he had no friends. He didn’t know how to attend gatherings if he were to go. He had no hobbies. All that was left was his social life.

Since he had become an actor… does social life mean he should be shooting something?

As with <Life and Death>, he didn’t do well in auditions. He had shot a few commercials, but with the short scripts for auditions, he didn’t know what to do. So, he always did poorly in auditions.

Lost in thought, his phone rang, and he answered. Naturally, it was his manager.

“Sihyeon.”

“Yeah.”

“When you filmed <Life and Death>, did you agree to appear in anyone’s work?”

“Um… maybe? They asked, and I couldn’t say no.”

“A man I met at the funeral keeps contacting me, saying you should appear in his work. It’s supposed to be a web drama.”

“Oh, really?”

“It’s kind of ridiculous… but you don’t have any schedule now. Want to do a meeting at least?”

“Yeah, sure. I don’t mind.”

Since doing something would help keep depression at bay. Though he didn’t think doing something would lead to making friends.

During the filming of <Life and Death>, he didn’t get close to anyone. He didn’t even have a phone then. With Cha Eunseo between him and the other staff, there weren’t long conversations. Every time they chatted casually, he would say he’d agree to appear, but it was almost always lip service. Back then, he didn’t think he’d keep acting.

Still, he had learned one thing well. How to pretend to smile brightly like an ordinary person and act socially. He did as he was told, listened well to others, and followed their words. Cha Eunseo had told him to do so, and at that time, she was the only person he could trust.

“I thought so at the time.”

Today, Sihyeon told the doctor more.

After the filming ended, Cha Eunseo no longer needed Ryu Sihyeon. She went back to school, and Sihyeon was left alone in the house he had always lived in.

He became anxious at the realization that no one was looking for him or needed him, just like before. He wasn’t like this originally. He was fine being alone and didn’t wish for anything. He was just living a life that was dying away. So why did it turn out this way?

Something was wrong. He had learned to groom his exterior and wear a facade to blend in with people, but his empty interior was never filled. Somehow, he had expected Cha Eunseo to fill that void.

He shouldn’t have expected that.

“Don’t be too disappointed. Some people don’t like forming deep relationships. They find it comfortable that way. Don’t take it too personally.”

That’s what the doctor said today.

“Yes, I think it’s like that.”

After thinking for a moment, Sihyeon added:

“It must be easier to handle people like me that way. If you get too close, you end up being sincere.”

“Then you just need to meet someone who isn’t like that.”

“Can I meet someone like that again?”

Cha Eunseo had said he couldn’t meet someone like that. And indeed, it seemed that way until he got close to Lee Changhyeok.

Sihyeon recalled his former self, who was alone again. It was one of those days after <Life and Death> ended when he was barely living in the empty house. The doorbell rang. Unlike before, he quickly opened the door. At that moment, he seemed to be waiting for someone to come.

The visitor was Director Lee Changhyeok.

“Are you alone?” he asked. Sihyeon answered:

“I’m always alone.”

He replied in a low, flat tone. At the time, he didn’t even have the energy to act friendly like he did outside. Yet, Lee Changhyeok didn’t find it strange.

He never knew how to hide his fragile self. Nor did he feel out of place with the true nature of a depressed person. His intentions to help Sihyeon with various things were genuinely pure. He was even ten years younger than Sihyeon, yet he was concerned for him. Sihyeon wondered if it was okay for someone like him to live in this harsh world like that.

Thinking about it… he ultimately didn’t survive.

✦✦✦

The person from P University who directly contacted the company was a fourth-year student who had been the script supervisor for <Life and Death>. The web drama he mentioned seemed like an amateur work that had received small funding from somewhere. Comparing it to the feature film <Life and Death> made it feel even more so. Not knowing much about these things, Sihyeon looked at his manager, who seemed to have no particular thoughts.

The director told Sihyeon:

“Mr. Actor, the trend is the internet! To match the film’s release! I will first boost your popularity.”

“Oh, okay.”

“Here’s the script.”

“…Okay.”

“Of course, you’ll be paid. It’s a small role, so don’t feel burdened. I won’t take up much of your busy schedule. Just consider it something special.”

“Yes.”

Noticing Sihyeon’s skeptical expression, the director said confidently:

“I will make you famous like Seo Heetae, starting with your face.”

“Ah, Seo Heetae, ha ha, okay.”

It was fascinating to think he might be placed on the same level as that name he had only heard about. He had heard Seo Heetae first became famous on the internet. Sihyeon briefly recalled the face he had seen on TV or in ads.

His straight, high nose bridge, three-dimensional facial structure, and the gentle curve of his lips. He had a cool yet intense dark brown gaze that left an impression. Even others would agree he was handsome.

Glancing at his manager Cheoljoo, it seemed he had already been swayed by the director’s eloquence. For a company without a prominent lead actor, the promise to make their actor ‘famous’ must have been sweet.

The work progressed at an unrealistically fast pace. Before he knew it, Sihyeon was sitting in a conference room at P University, waiting for his turn to read.

The tall lead actor, who was still studying at P University, came in last. Although he was expressionless, he was more approachable than Sihyeon had anticipated from his first impression. He even greeted Sihyeon who was sitting next to him.

That was Gi Yoonhyung.

Gi Yoonhyung, a student in the Media Department at P University, had been cast as the lead after catching the director’s eye while walking on campus. Sitting there with a nonchalant face, he asked Sihyeon various things, admitting he didn’t know much about acting.

After the reading, they exchanged numbers almost by accident. This was the first time Sihyeon had exchanged contacts with someone his age since getting a new phone.

Later, Yoonhyung asked to practice acting, so they met up a few times for meals. Conversations flowed naturally. Yoonhyung said he was acting because the director kept bothering him. He scoffed at the director’s claim that he would become famous with this. Seeing that, Sihyeon couldn’t help but laugh. He said he actually felt the same, finding it strange and new to share his true feelings with someone he didn’t know well.

Yoonhyung met Jinoh, a classmate he had become friends with during liberal arts classes, again on the set. Jinoh, who was in the directing department, had a friend named Jaeseong in the production department. Including Sihyeon, the four of them naturally became friends. Or more accurately, Sihyeon was swept up by the three sociable ones and ended up fitting in.

How did it happen so naturally? Sihyeon was bewildered himself. He couldn’t remember the last time he had made friends like this. For the first time, he drank with friends and watched movies with them.

“Our Sihyeon got friends.” His manager was thrilled about this fact alone. His manager knew Sihyeon as a pitiful child who had lost his parents at a young age, took care of his grandmother without making friends or going to college, and made a living through part-time jobs before dramatically starring in a promising director’s film.

To think that Sihyeon was contacting ‘friends’, drinking with ‘friends’, and spending weekends with ‘friends’! He was almost moved to tears.

“Isn’t it great that your friends are so good-looking, kind, and from good universities? Good for you, Sihyeon.”

Every time the manager repeated this, Sihyeon felt somewhat pleased. Of course, that friendship wasn’t entirely sustained.