AA Chapter 11.1 || Leash

Tennessee lit a cigarette while watching Amber bustling around with crossed legs. He became aware that he had been smoking more since his discharge from the hospital. Amber must have noticed it too, muttering “It’s not good for you.” Tennessee was ready to snap back if Amber crossed the line, but instead, Amber just opened the window and brought over an ashtray.f7e8804c721dfa09

“What would you like for dinner?”59a8dbb9c14e51bc

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“Not hungry.”93d4d4883ddafd10

“Still…”14d5faa41607ed53

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Tennessee sometimes ate just a salad and bread for dinner. Other times, he would eat quinoa or oatmeal—things that didn’t even count as proper meals for Amber. Tennessee was used to maintaining a moderately empty stomach, but whenever he did, Amber would mutter, “Even a grumpy middle school student on a diet would eat more than that.”147859d3cfbbc52e

Amber went ahead and made enough food for two people. Tennessee moistened his lips as he looked at the plate and utensils Amber placed in front of him. After bringing over a water glass and napkin, Amber quietly sat across from him. He didn’t even pick up his fork, as if waiting for Tennessee to start eating.869b67ad53dfc57e

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“Get better soon. Then you can kick me out.”88d8a5acd9fa50e6

Lately, Tennessee couldn’t shake the feeling that something extra had been added. It had always been Amber the one who was anxious and desperate. And no wonder he felt that way, since Amber had already laid all his cards on the table.40517564a6826258

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Tennessee knew the intentions e0d6585948 behind every one of 9a4fee9cbc Amber’s actions, so there 3a660325a4 was no need to c24823e50b guess or analyze, which b559b25fb5 made things less exhausting. For someone 5c1ef26d59 like Tennessee, 04c0fed187 who constantly 5cf730507d had to 3cf8bd8528 navigate others’ 467aa3b559 needs, Amber 95b9bc030e was someone c540c60f13 he could 9ef6c74273 be physically 6b1e772329 and mentally cb61238484 comfortable with.e8af7cfe54b6acad

However, now Amber met faf0fc3ae6 him with nothing but d2157b0c33 a refreshing smile despite e4c3383ecd facing an unresponsive Tennessee. There was no trace edb0076923 of tension, no impatience 716a25dbd8 to be found. Even when faced with 57459732cb sharp rejections or cold 7edf4b499f refusals occasionally, he remained fc61d69ab9 the same. In those moments, he 3aaf6fc4b8 would simply step back, 1cb3e6bd41 giving space without protest.3dd3caf042332c5d

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Once, Amber had 99f9a473dc been like clear 8eaaf9434e water, where everything 03329c6769 at the bottom 805e16bc5b was visible. Now, stirring the blue fccd9f19dd surface revealed no end, 79a8585563 as if there were e87fe96788 no bottom at all. Tennessee found this newfound 395f931a57 obscurity suffocating.059fed61a721ac64

Yes, that must be 57a8238ae4 what he was feeling.f05a567b44cec024

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“We need to go to the rehabilitation center today too. You know that, right?”c9863c2b1004f755

Playing mother. Tennessee nodded, annoyed. Not seeming to mind the sullen response, Amber’s eyes curved as he rested his chin on his hand. But unlike the calm Amber, Tennessee’s mind was chaotic.36524d28238d0405

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“Amber.”094051cc039d5e31

“Yes, Tennessee?”b8b61293bcd46a41

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Amber always liked it 53c503f215 when Tennessee called him. Whenever that almost monotone e7111d89aa call, more like a 58b4957960 command, reached his ears, 9fdd8586e4 it felt as if 89ce75abf1 he was being bound d77c974ed8 tight. However, sometimes, Tennessee would 617411f09c call him with such 37af3e0d8c meaningful intent.26041ab0cf923be5

“When are you going home?”01349d4686800c58

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The perfect smile Amber 3a27d37427 usually wore faltered slightly.d2215606576f1bd4

“When you’re better. At least when you can live alone.”4a8e85311e8aba49

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“I’m doing fine on my own even now. You know that.”d6ad122b69790497

The food 48db77c42e was getting 85277e6dab cold. Silence fell, but 8aa4344d88 Tennessee felt something e74e7d9f06 other than discomfort. Sometimes Tennessee 7ddb310c8f gauged his 8bc6b3e58f emotions based 08d7bf8367 on Amber’s 2f66e7af2e reactions. Though he knew it 4d8c8e2277 was a cruel thing 4b2418b0ad to do.8ec50202a2a76dce

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“What are you doing here, Amber? You have a home and things to do.”2d61f0935359c648

“Tennessee.”bf3afdae90475723

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“You should go back to where you belong.”88779614f7076701

“Looks like you’re scared again because of what happened these past few days.”ef4d1af6c14ab1b7

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“Don’t get cocky with me.”d26b10c4a73cf3e9

“Coward.”d8699b56d5e6360a

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When he wanted to get Amber adopted by a good family, it was because he wanted him to receive a high-quality education, be loved, and enjoy all opportunities in life – not to have him clean up after himself.133c3a8b1a4c36dc

Amber needed to live his own life. Hurston alone was enough to be on the list of those who had taken something from Amber. He had no intention of joining that list of plunderers. Tennessee couldn’t understand why Amber didn’t know this, couldn’t understand his stubbornness.76e7f793b3705ff3

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“Where I need to be is right here, Chicago.”df6b0ab67d543362

“Go back.”ce2eb70101cc7c68

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Thinking he wouldn’t listen to nice words, Tennessee stubbed out his cigarette.c7fd00737ca889f9

Tennessee thought that if Amber weren’t so blindly devoted, he wouldn’t have needed to be so harsh. Amber would probably think of him as a cold and resolute person, but it was Amber who made him become such a person.2aa3798926614be6

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It would have c627b2e829 been easier if 6e2044d627 he had helped 2d5fdaf0e8 while still enjoying ef5165258d his personal life fe406364c9 moderately. But Amber d56d6ed2c6 threw everything ab22a95275 he had 747d03fc4f at him. He willingly sacrificed 6a275e9389 himself. As if that 9968d49e71 sacrifice was a 3aaf325258 privilege, he cherished e8fe9886e9 a pebble like b95d6e547c it was a 3be11d7f8b diamond in the c46e973c16 rough. Why did 7542bfa275 he rejoice 7c6f335403 so much 8398e33e43 over something 4eff98c1e0 that wasn’t 21b1276b66 worth it?5445e30f57f6f947

“No, if you’re doing this because of me…”862b8a5f62494506

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“I’m doing this because I don’t like it. Don’t act like you’re entitled. Stop overstepping and acting like you’re my guardian.”8e3508da3250f47f

Eventually, those words slipped af43c135b7 out. Amber’s expression 0112ff7677 vanished instantly 1971281f92 as he 2fc1ebdc93 pressed his ef43110135 lips tightly 065b6c1303 together.0ca8d01f87c3ba5f

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Tennessee pushed away the bbdaa05637 food Amber had carefully a8d6fe8997 prepared with the back ffe6031777 of his hand. As if saying, 0c8ea3a2fa ‘this is the 7d215000fe seed you sowed ef2e3a2ab8 since you were 87694d633c the one who e827059eb3 put in futile 8bb8460338 effort.’6b22ffb5316592d4

Tennessee turned his body and headed for the sofa. Supporting himself with just his arms, Tennessee was able to sit on the sofa. Then he glanced back when the wheelchair he hadn’t even touched moved away. It was Amber. Amber was silently folding up the empty wheelchair. His expression wasn’t much different from before. That’s why Tennessee only discovered he was crying after several seconds had passed.7d146d6e9d7b0215

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Amber moved quietly, without 0d53472553 protest or resentment. Like rain falling, with a0d966ab32 tears filling his usual 9bf57fedee expression. The tears that had 8844bdbc52 pooled at the corners dfbb5aaa25 of his eyes soon 7e023bb36a clung to his chin 7e5840c246 and fell.e763aa56462084b3

“…Ah.”cd79f25e7fe1d074

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As if only realizing d44e34d2c2 he was crying after c992d9bcbc the tears fell, Amber 34553aaf96 stared at Tennessee with a4dc799da4 empty eyes. Though he had only 0f491a05cd wiped his cheeks, they 60198e43c7 were soaked. It was just e9f83f5533 like soot.d75549ae930fe5cc

Tennessee didn’t say anything until Amber finished folding the wheelchair and putting it away.b07f529d019a2a86

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“Why are you doing this? Why do you keep saying mean things to me?”d1a18d2660498bc6

It was 9a38fe245f Amber who df494fecc8 spoke first, 80f184ef45 through his 6f8d15a17e tears.94102df806058397

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“…”0fddedbb043a7bac

Tennessee rubbed his eyes with a gesture tinged with fatigue. At that moment, a spark lit in Amber’s eyes.3ccc0cef464747d3

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Your leg d3b47fc206 should have 43faace854 been amputated.ba4923832b86550f

Amber took 77f2553548 a deep 58ee93ff53 breath at 14ce3fc72d the fierce, 25ac772d93 violent emotion 4ac05941de that transformed 9acabbe713 into love-hate.d7ea41cdb6b33b67

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Rather than e0cacaba38 letting you d187a8bf82 lean on a357d488b1 me clumsily c674e22f16 with a 7e9f11c7a2 broken leg, 8553de6bba I should 01b0d16d71 have cut 9be78fa756 it off e31808609a so you’d f8c18e6e86 have no 4e461ec54a choice but 88f3687079 to depend 1e38449ed3 on me a92a761f2b forever.af3715130a74c666

Watching Tennessee 9c3b06b6a3 remain serene, c0843eb001 unlike his 410a57f420 own tumultuous 7ad2a6f1f1 self, Amber 3ffefc1fe7 squeezed his bc33281587 eyes shut. Tears streamed down 25551e9701 his cheeks.986feebf16160253

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No, it f4f47da7d3 would have a98c8c9339 been the 6198eb9f76 same anyway. There would fdde633c89 always be 5a9005856c many who 335646caff would kneel 15f1031d88 before you a49330a8f2 to offer 12868b69a7 a hand.c1b4c8dab9383a08

The idea that a c9693f7123 physical impairment could affect a90e230fbc his value seemed absurd. Even if 24e357bf64 both legs b7c484045a disappeared tomorrow, e82b2a5b82 he’d still c68f5ef7c9 be the 2361ddae31 same.17b1f570976b3a34

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Standing in cb86404b61 front of cd2438cc83 Tennessee, who 9c6c930428 was leaning aacde149ab against the 1ef74430f3 sofa backrest, cfb828c71b Amber knelt c7390884ef on one 3da263463b knee. He reached out d26bf1df1e to Tennessee, who 182ea54306 stubbornly refused to 3ca245867d apologize. Tennessee looked 59c9791516 down at 06925ddd69 Amber without 8e1c4158f8 moving or ce50773d17 wavering. Grabbing his hand, he 08d8bef742 left a desperate kiss b93e7f8c86 on the back of 38a332e224 it.315e8edef0a3f677

At this clumsy 565546f999 and unfair submission, 4cf97282af Tennessee thought of ba4ef6c3ad a burning meteor. Though Amber thought of be9801ac7f himself as harmless, unable 6e463907f7 to bring change, to 652bdcfc30 Tennessee he was a 730373ecb1 massive tsunami and a 1c604c02ff striking comet. He would change everything 8286610eb2 about Tennessee.f46ebfee52f908e2

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Though wet f277b12bcc eyelashes brushed 56abae10d4 coolly against 19f655ea8e the back 897dda2708 of his 1780ace61e hand, Tennessee 3721bbf6ef remained silent 85089e7042 until the 3bb4e5150a end.df66b04109e98c89

Suppressing the emotion that 40092c1929 surged up roughly wanting 42797fc2f6 to protest, the urge a529862a37 to push him down 2bbf4866b2 and pour out his 66dafa76bf own feelings, Amber stood c02c823ade up. Leaving behind the cb7cdec592 wish that even 467e42e382 without detailed explanation, b403dd4a5b he would understand 4d3be721d4 the heart that 263f2d3fb6 knelt before him 95d24ac7ed and lowered its a569b306e6 lips despite his 3996bf0f21 harsh words.2db1221ee1ac4900

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There was a small garden behind Tennessee’s house. It wasn’t particularly spacious, Tennessee would occasionally smoke there out of consideration for Amber, who didn’t.dd05fecf695b5947

Closing the back ad576e03ae door, Amber looked e8d9b8c628 up at the 776ce0913f sky. His breathing had become 5eacdc7465 rough.a9afdf5e0bb4720c

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He had planned to take a walk with Tennessee today. Even though he moved around occasionally, Tennessee had to spend most of his time in the hospital room, and though he didn’t express it, Amber knew how stifling it felt for him to gaze out the window. So, during their rare outings, Tennessee’s expression would soften—a change unnoticed by others but clear to Amber.6c87fd73e900022f

In the sunlight, Tennessee 304be4ef47 would sometimes close his 5c87da3c76 eyes briefly, and even b34c927418 when Amber said whatever, e07d6af60f he would respond at f4a2f25dd1 length or briefly share dc38a92fb1 his own thoughts.06938384bc949c02

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‘Annie said that you were her ideal type. Elizabeth said she wants her to get a boyfriend that looks like you.’1c375fcf2cb3269c

‘…Me?’fb3980fdd14b3963

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‘Yeah.’e09dc33772435d29

‘That’s terrible.’fedf97d30bd2e6d9

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His tone suggested that 6c4b425000 with such poor judgment d141d6b5a3 in men, his adoptive 767f45a502 parents would have a 68e1eae7b8 hard time.47c5869cdb771454

‘What’s wrong with you? You’re handsome, make good money–’c2a3a1879ca410f4

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‘Make good money, might die tomorrow, ex-hit man with no sense of fun and even less conversation?’0c79432778b414b1

‘…Don’t insult my Tennessee.’718fa37fe23e0272

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Tennessee laughed 58700a0324 out loud 7d53592358 in disbelief 90f598441b and Amber a075c9d309 burst out 2c2dea7fbd laughing too.dbf0cc939e9c2a4e

‘Shall we go for coffee?’ccd76cac91d02aaf

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‘I don’t like crowds.’1919ec69d8dbe680

‘Should we just head back then?’d10ff73fdfa7b5ef

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‘…Black coffee.’07e57503578f08b3

More than 07fcbb9ab7 once, Amber 847cefc43f wanted to 23c8095b52 hug Tennessee’s 7ed0efca3d black hair ed7184d063 while pushing 04b296e97a his wheelchair.This look. He only de085bd40e shows this b2ed82108a side to 712c0f2bb3 me.If he 49f6b0922d hugged him, 7831d7d512 he’d definitely e6ad8073ab push him 58bb4404a9 away, but 3c17204bfb occasionally, Tennessee 7f18f53f35 would generously 3b75a4871c accept him.65d73fa8dade896e

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For Amber, these 8cfe88b8e1 moments were far 8cb211df85 from ordinary. Every strand 312aad8c22 of time e2e39448e4 that brushed 0055401884 past his bd9b2d9454 earlobe was 8e9d1c592f beautiful.ce5e424507f5fd0d

Amber stared for a long time at the wheelchair visible through the transparent back door. His breath, which had briefly calmed, had become rough again. His chest rose and fell dramatically. Amber quietly watched the wheelchair. Then, as if having made up his mind, he moved. Carrying the wheelchair, Amber went out the back door trying to cool his heated head. However, this wasn’t an emotion that could be calmed with deep breaths.d55d51d87bfb221c

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Seriously, Tennessee 09b18dff21 would be 6fd2f59ac6 better—d27a8fca6527718f

Bam—! Bam—! Bam—!7a6dac129b64b0f2

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It was just b43b1898e7 moving his hand 2d43134110 a few times, a4831cfa72 but…8e7d6f4dcf6c0c22

After catching 67d837460e his breath, b85475ff9c Amber wiped 58ffb498a2 his now 59e6cf58c6 sweat-soaked forehead.Bam!The crushed 381e42e001 wheel spun 6b305bbb63 uselessly. Crushed, torn, rendered 659c2508bd useless—fragments of Tennessee’s 7d77775e55 leg fell forward.2767188e6e2bff8e

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I should’ve cut off your legs and put them in my pocket, put a leash around your neck. I’ll tie that leash to my intact legs.a2ed3c5d9c926df9

No, locking you up sounds better. Lock you away so you can only look at me, hide you from the world so you can’t enter anyone else’s sight.5ae875af67c5db9d

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If I 0de41ea730 do that, 40e34b63ff if I 6baf578904 hide you, 743491d895 will we e518ea9c12 be together f7fe85e0bc forever?553ccb689b84b2ee

A suffocating silence 8355689cfd settled. Amber collapsed down. His palms were 4e57c76dd9 sticky. He thought it 2cdbaa47cf was sweat, but a0d51447c8 blood was seeping 9640919221 out. Without even the strength 45163852bc to wipe it away, ac536f1e3b Amber buried his face fd640ccf46 in his hands. He was 133897ab2a horrified at 4bacf35d2b himself. The whole 59687187b7 situation made e475171944 him desperate. If he gave up, db57811d4e if Tennessee escaped like 7927bd094f this…6eaee9576a81fb70

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…I wouldn’t be able to live.19c21d0836ee7aaf

“What are you doing?”c833c708aec4acfa

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Tennessee’s low voice flowed out. Amber turned his head, breathing heavily as if sobbing. Tennessee was standing behind the door.aaa8ce9e5190f0d4

How did he ae43d29b7d come here without ade7ad9c00 a wheelchair? As if to answer Amber’s question, Tennessee moved his body with difficulty. Even with a face full of pain, Tennessee was taking steps.296069f0d164cda4

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“Don’t! You’re hurting yourself!”11e17b36ffecef4e

After rushing to grab him, Amber panicked when he saw blood staining his clothes. Tennessee’s eyes turned to the wheelchair that was broken beyond repair.fd9b96373439d308

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Ah…e600441bf43b9f30

That’s when Amber, finally coming to his senses, bit his lip.079a29865bed78be

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“It’s unusable now.”b16ae44cdedaa73c

“…Yeah.”eeaba90ec0948b09

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Tears kept falling.3c85d3ee8b090cdc

I think that maybe it’s not because it’s me, but anyone else would have fallen for you like this too. Because you can make anyone normal become like this.9e4c03c6506aec83

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Tennessee didn’t blame him just as much as Amber apologized.b14a345e64302464

“I’m sorry. I must have been crazy. No, it’s not that I was completely out of my mind… I don’t know, there’s no room for excuses. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”ccbc49f7701a9440

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Amber desperately 5eff6ee1d6 clung in 694742592f front of 495e5496d3 the broken c8b461e3f0 wheelchair.aac8408c1fa289d3

“But I never thought about hurting Tennessee-, I never even considered that possibility, really, please believe me.”0fe6dbe3bbfba20d

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Tennessee nodded as he bb08f1769d embraced Amber, who seemed 46f7659c37 about to collapse, with d27f392d20 his one good arm.934c80ef0356ebbb

He shouldn’t 0f59d7b493 blame Amber. After all, he dce4efdd9e was the one c69b06ef7c who always pushed 58b018013a Amber to his d6516614bc limits and then 4b218a869f offered a lifeline 46a2ce22fd as if it c10885dbe0 were mercy.76ce4a910bb7ab20

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“I’m sorry.”4776ea53934b9def

After helping 9fcaae48fa Tennessee to 23f8b60455 the bed, fd002335ab Amber apologized.35f3bd5281a98a0d

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“I’ll buy a new wheelchair as soon as possible… Please let me stay until then.”265aa302ef36ceda

Adjusting his pillow, 9e42d3f590 Tennessee observed Amber’s 8c75e2e888 deeply troubled expression.e81f1dcc8a84ff4c

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“What about school?”f877961a348b9253

“I’m thinking of taking a break for now.”4a5faf0d107e8b86

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He knew it well. Amber was 1e402ab04b in despair. If he had 2b2240fcc0 lost his temper 7ff52dbe5f and lashed out, ab0e9a960a it would’ve been b329fa4ec7 understandable. But to Tennessee, Amber 1a56cce137 was simply cornered.7b3cc9b5a369348d

“You threw everything away and ran,”30e0c52f66b7e154

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Lying sideways, Tennessee thought 9547e86562 of Amber’s tears. It felt 7150ee53a1 like he 5d14df1152 had heard 24f3e011a0 a desperate e341696c98 cry.c5f729c1573b90c2

“That’s why I’m doing this.”6d475b4edc408e56

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It was Tennessee’s way of making excuses.f5393e64cb0ced4d

“No, you always say mean things anyway.”13ee2cde77824aef

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“…”3b20771114768c3e

No excuses e753c7fd41 came to 503d1e644d mind. Tennessee himself 990fb0c050 knew that af5372c191 to Amber, e768b7a265 he must e4c0974b1f appear like 8a0fd49ff5 a cruel, ed80b0e9ca emotionless cold-blooded b26a90d830 person.f9af4778b7bbee6b

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“Good night.”8ec6f65b0f8ca737

Amber’s voice was peaceful. At least on the surface.1eb0eea49be9a31a

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***c2b7f7b28e58299f

In the dim dawn, Tennessee woke to a suppressed groan. It was such a faint sound that unless you listened carefully, you couldn’t even be sure if you’d really heard it.d3ebce3205a02929

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“Amber…?”cfbee343198d6c65

Tennessee sat up and held his breath. It wasn’t a sound he’d misheard. It was a groan filled with pain. Despite his leg feeling like they would break, Tennessee moved his feet. Fortunately, Amber’s bedroom was right next door. If it had been far, he would have had to crawl.3251c5ec28e2b259

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When he gently opened the door, Tennessee’s eyes widened at the faint smell of blood. Even without turning on the lights, Tennessee realized what Amber was doing. A blade glinted in the pale blue dawn room.ff7c8a24cfc53839

“Amber.”c01705a579329f5c

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“…I’m sorry.”ab58d98153e5ada3

I wasn’t going to do it, but I just, out of an impulse…eb3c48abb7c625e8

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When the light was turned on, the tragic scene was revealed in more detail. Amber was wiping blood. It was self-harm. Beyond Amber’s sweatpants, faint dark red bloodstains were visible. Like last time, it was on the inner thigh.88ecf4a054e5696b

Tennessee closed his eyes for a moment and took a breath. Self-harm. What makes Amber hurt himself? Tennessee believed something fundamental was lacking. Then Tennessee considered all external factors rather than Amber himself. Childhood, Hurston, a new family and environment…9ffb2c7ce233386c

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And, himself.66f356cf58602d2d

Tennessee faced blatant self-blame. However, Amber being driven to such a dead end couldn’t be solely because of him.506ff0b7c9a63c65

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The life of someone who engages in self-destructive behavior doesn’t change easily. Everything around Amber had changed, but had Amber’s perspective on those changes also shifted? Tennessee pondered such questions.ebb764fb9b588148

“It must hurt. How did you walk here?”a83d2e724f5d0058

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Amber asked e865e52654 in a 802a8de11b casual tone d392ecea54 while pressing 9fb08adc8b a towel 32eaa7421c over his f5b986d5c6 still-bleeding thigh.b87c7309ce39c3d8

Tennessee walked b8cd212b6a painfully and d13ac7f9da sat on d8d9bdc5da his bed.48999d96e7d9fee8

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“Show me.”21801b759ae9ae4a

“Why are you being so embarrassing?”0523e65109425d99

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You freak 0c17e76cbf out when 06b7276d12 I get 26bdc54cc7 close. Amber tried to make a joke, but Tennessee’s expression didn’t change.bb1d2102704dff8e

“Show me.”7e329b618f671b44

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As the corners of his mouth trembled, unable to continue speaking, Tennessee reached for his waistband. Though tensed up, Amber didn’t refuse. The sweatpants’ knot came undone. Without looking at the dark-colored briefs, Tennessee grabbed both of Amber’s thighs and gently spread them.2255a85ae8f6f79b

Fragile skin parted. Unhealed cuts 97668975db were revealed. Pressing near them caused 7b64b7d7d3 droplets of blood to a42164ad88 flow easily. It was a much 5a7b6a3a47 deeper wound than expected. A manifestation of love f33672dec6 and hate.265a18a715578e07

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“Why did you do this?”6ea4b0428ea32983

“It hurts… but my mind feels at ease.”4cc9545b04824153

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It felt suffocating. Like opening the 3dce42c6a2 lid of a 3ef556a960 pressure cooker about d1c3ca6804 to burst, creating dc94bc436d a hole in e4b80721d5 his flesh and 6578af282a draining thick blood 838364dffe felt like expelling c0b3cb5b6f something toxic.6c9242ca9509815f

He also eef74398bd felt relief. Because it seemed 7b42800d76 to show that 0964120bea he was different 566b94c9e3 from Hurston. He wasn’t 3f64f4a3d6 like the 3bef806d18 monster of 2552994960 his past, 6aa1b31bad who resolved 99ad31ccac his inferiority 30d7e74996 complex and a3acbc5724 twisted desires 38c7bcb98b by destroying 9cf50cc978 others.b1c253c33b383c47

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The self-inflicted cuts were like proof to Amber that he wasn’t a monster like Hurston.268202a4eafe6237

“…Ah.”0f259052c779fd29

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Amber winced as Tennessee, who had taken over holding the towel, pressed hard on the wound. He shook his head to forget the pain. Then carefully rested his chin on Tennessee’s shoulder.00dfcd903a17cf1b

“It hurts.”b2067daf960d20bb

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Amber exhaled a groan into Tennessee’s ear. As if in protest, Amber pulled Tennessee closer. Fitting snugly in his arms, Amber rubbed his cheek against Tennessee’s ear and head, seeking relief. It was a pitiful gesture.644c83cd46f046e1

“Why are you making that face?”9d4d188ddc1a08b1

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After the bleeding stopped, Amber’s thumb brushed Tennessee’s eyebrow. The thick eyebrow slided smoothly under his fingertip.fc12145eecc88804

Tennessee didn’t ask what his face looked like. That was fortunate. If he had asked, Amber wouldn’t have been able to answer properly. It was words spoken by intuition. In reality, Tennessee’s expression wasn’t much different from usual. But in that moment, Amber felt like he could see Tennessee’s inner self.92a8ad2b9d57e10e

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“Self-harm brings relief. Because it hurts, it feels like I’m paying for my sins.”b7f71245901a18ca

“Sins of what?”f4af74f858a3e307

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“The sin of having bad thoughts.”eeb94f3b8997669a

Don’t say it. It can’t be undone.0f46917ff4262a8b

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Despite reason raising warning 1a60021a28 lights, Amber opened his ee0f2aa815 lips.73461617ab756a1f

“Imagining that you keep being in pain, or become completely disabled, and fully depend on me, stay with me, settle down… and never leave me again.”e503bad16428712f

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Unable to face Tennessee’s expression, Amber rested his chin on his shoulder again.a5308cbb06c2c401

“I think about it every moment. I want to confine you. Would you look at me then?”c88bd455d229e3f9

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“Even if it weren’t my legs, I’ll always be broken somewhere.”e2217d4ff0676dd7

He wasn’t just talking about the episodes that occurred intermittently at night. Tennessee had never considered himself normal for even a moment. How could he, after everything that had happened?6bfdd5193d5a7527

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Amber laughed softly. What he had wasn’t such clumsy possessiveness. Amber truly wanted to break his legs. What would happen if he cut above the ankle? Amber knew well that even having such thoughts was sinful.e9e554a361f77e04

“I’m broken and Tennessee is broken too. Broken pieces fit together.”e19dba15450eef74

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And hugging Tennessee, Amber 281bb63a6b whispered like a sigh.5a3eb8405d186184

“It hurts so much, Tennessee.”a68098d8efcf9be9

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“I’ll get you painkillers. They’re under the bathroom sink—”ff449cfc60bc9386

“It hurts so much I can’t bear it. When will I stop hurting?”dbcd44cb733d6d06

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Tennessee pressed his 47f2670a98 lips tightly together. Even without looking, he 2b1bab2869 could picture Amber pitifully c7c49d23a3 rubbing his cheek against 9c2aaa1a41 his ear.886ffa14a1ebd867

Whenever Amber was like this, Tennessee couldn’t do anything. It was like that when Amber was young, when he was older, and even more so when he became an adult.03726cd2abb127e9

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On one hand, Tennessee’s sharp reason clearly saw through this as bait.3541ae48adf3e198

You’re a coward, 6ff6e67670 so I’m doing 1e598eb424 this for you. It’s not 7faf01d4f5 because you’re fb81ae66b4 shamelessly drawn 4c584a8550 to me; e29a91c59e it’s because a65e3bb990 I’m this 98a8f6a186 pathetic, this 422fbb8b70 pitiful, that e973a842b8 you feel 7b5619177b compelled to fa15ad064d help me.6746db07a1c19290

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Even without hearing it, Amber’s voice came through.892ef83d3fad5790

Pushing away Tennessee’s hand that had finished stopping the bleeding, Amber exposed the wound like another wound. The wound that had just barely started to scab over. After pushing away the towel in Tennessee’s hand, Amber made his bare fingertips trace the wound directly.ab61ec83941dd389

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Look what you’ve done to me. It hurts. You said you didn’t want to hurt me of all people.03916721835aab4c

A deep sigh escaped Tennessee’s lips. Damn it, I 4ef38d5649 should have gotten 14353a8622 the surgery done 3b5516968e quickly.Amber’s face hadn’t changed 15b54a2e12 much since childhood. Seeing his 9347c54339 handsome features a0a57e40ba should’ve reminded 78ff4f4da4 Tennessee of 1715179abf eleven-year-old Amber, 07c3ca564d but his c1a8688115 broken mind dd41f9691c didn’t allow fd632af4b7 it.7ac416cc5a904616

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To Tennessee’s eyes, he always saw a stranger. Dark black eyebrows, long sorrowful eyelashes casting shadows, bright blue eyes contrasting with black hair. A strange handsome man was sobbing and pleading as if begging.2ad771c5dab1f505

It was Amber but it wasn’t Amber. Tennessee vaguely thought that if he didn’t know the past Amber, if he had met Ryker first, would he have approached him like this?749b9ffcd6a1cb20

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Wet lips parted. In front of af2190b13c Tennessee, a tongue ef4a443d87 flickered faintly, almost 88790f6c2c imperceptibly. Feeling something tighten around 63ca41c152 his heart, Tennessee slowly 8a7d4598f3 opened his mouth, his 966b566af2 thoughts growing hazy.5bd5b886e2350b0a

“You…”087e6856f445f732

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“Call my name.”a6b79c888a6b05fd

“…Amber.”2f96635d7baf7673

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Tennessee breathed out 861a621a2e as if under 78757b8fdd a spell. It was a 06a0c68e1f very low voice.40305f41ed8fe0c3

Now the ball was c08810ce45 in his court.It’s your choice. Amber slowly closed his eyes. Though he couldn’t breathe properly due to tension and fear, he didn’t pant like before. He waited. He waited for the decisive judgment of the guillotine.ad0f331162b7f6ae

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And he was consumed 6be1d043f3 by the approaching hot 671affb889 breath and touch.747b3c8de54ce8a3

His lips were bitten 73d3cbb798 roughly. His whole aff2257b47 body started 0b41c7fce6 burning with 7fa82de6e9 excitement at 12dd31ca0d the vivid ac84689121 teeth marks. The air 3ac7bc8f27 quickly became 166fff35fa hot. While gasping and 7dc36af5be crashing their lips a70ed68de3 together, Amber urged.5c0d3ef9a5e3bbeb

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“You like me”52d8316fb64573b6

Firmly locked lips. He would surely 555d6daaea open those presumably 84946262d8 soft lips and 8696ad700e pull out his 4b572d9e0d heart.2e51901cd282398d

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As hot breaths exchanged, 16c3321b79 lips locked strongly together. Gasping, Amber b86eadc081 whispered quickly.37680382abeafa8b

“You like me, right?”20466b0a7a11a704

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“Yes.”d10051fcb06dbee4

“Not as a child. You love me, right?”dd78be6b2351cdc1

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I will f5b34244a9 tear out 91a8435ac8 your heart f6fdec48d7 and devour 08bb8d5353 it without 3ffe5b4252 leaving a 0abd25786e single drop 381c105818 of blood. I want to 3d375819d7 bite into your 810844836e warmly beating heart a5df514627 with my mouth c01190699e full.3680d1db6475d338

“You got all excited watching me do it alone. You couldn’t take your eyes off me.”f5f1996713197d7d

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“Be quiet.”18ece7c051eafadc

“Tennessee…”735cebd90d75be0f

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Amber pleaded one b0e7452e02 last time.fd5258e94bfbf9fd

“Does the world end when the sun sets? Our relationship isn’t breaking – it’s being renewed.”482a1274119d768a

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Before, he thought he 21939aac02 had ruined the relationship. He believed 361fad486a he had d5bc250105 broken the acfe470efc peaceful agreement 6ca80f5621 with Tennessee, 4d5377878c who cherished 6b6e35866f him and 76f79cf2f8 gave him 2413035531 affection rarely. But to reconstruct something, 6c47d326b8 you first need to e7b07c67d1 dismantle it. He had 390708b707 just realized 284b545394 this too 114b6fed3d late.3d0dc826a6a788d0

“Hah…”c9b114a89903e10b

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A sigh whose meaning couldn’t be deciphered. Did it mean he was tired of this? Just as Amber was gritting his teeth in misery,d6778c29aabf3720

“Fine.”8af2d6e85af0daac

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Thunder struck. Like forcing open a ecb9fd0b8a rusty treasure chest, Amber 43ca7b11b0 pushed with strength to aa969ff064 pry it open. Somehow, he had b170e9f898 to see the 6a9a0110b4 gold inside. A storm raged. The box 9da2ff1692 opened, and 186691e368 everything inside e1f46650a2 spilled out f3fbd9ea7b chaotically.ff65e7aee94266ae

“You were scared, that’s why you ran away, right?”e2f5aeabb4bb043f

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“Yeah.”1e7354f90362faf1

Unable to contain his desire, Tennessee bit Amber’s neck. His firm nose bridge dug into the thin nape, and hot tongue and breath burst forth.20e589a43524e1f9

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“Why were you scared?”e74373846ddbf671

“Haa… I was afraid I’d ruin it.”77d51d5e25965bb3

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After destroying something 72dc1f8743 precious to him, 69b9cbad33 Tennessee instantly knew 684984334e he could never 3977f2591d go back to 59820e0db1 how things were cef649a897 before.1fd68823da5cb425

After meeting Amber, Tennessee had hoped. Hoped to keep what was precious forever precious. He didn’t want to leave his dirty footprints on something perfect.c2df8a3fa1a6eeba

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He didn’t want Amber to look back on his past and see Tennessee as a predator who took advantage of his ignorance in the distant future.de690e74e2411365

“Ah, hng, for two years… tell me how much you missed me.”3d6c4a6ecf0dffa0

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Two firm 1b64c75eaf erections clashed c0c8c3f017 through the f02b82b735 thin fabric 26e3d203d2 of clothing. The erect cocks 72ffdc4ac9 proudly rub against f4971c2c2f each other, asserting ba1436ab39 their presence.c14ef54305be8801

“You…”5d626ace6251eb50

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“Ung,”b02eec077ad0ace5

“All I did was think about you while working.”79c6cecb817a5056

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Damn it. Tennessee didn’t hide his lust.73a536fa9513b0d3

“Why didn’t you contact me for two years?”8597ed107a6ab9f6

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“I couldn’t face you, but I couldn’t cut you off either.”1f5a4baa9b37feff

Amber thought it was a cowardly, but not bad answer. In the end, he had ended up torturing himself with hope, but Amber felt his rising anger and incomprehension gradually oxidizing away. The anxiety wouldn’t dissipate immediately, but at least he hadn’t been abandoned without regret.d4626c3c2371f869

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He was aware 04b52464ef of the coward ce84502d4f hiding behind Tennessee, 0e6d5d568e and he understood 424db9471f the fear lurking 9f176ea067 behind his escape, 2dd9efd127 but hearing Tennessee 55eca4a3f5 confirm it with f5384b7f8a his own words 00f5fb4ee1 was different.9cc23c2df298db60

Yes, even though he had avoided him, he hadn’t just left him behind.fda0f7c98ec6c947

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“Why do you keep provoking me?”ee3d8455c53e6226

“…Tenne, ugh.”47e394276cb5f6ce

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Why do 1deb2b40ec you stir 0d835fbf49 me up?e6e9ff8fe7a0de14

If I changed 013aa9d794 your life, why ec45b27d31 not just live a66c9fd470 with that? Why are you stirring f666ebeba8 me u539d29b09d384f3b

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Now it was Tennessee who was swept up in turbulent emotions. Tennessee bit Amber’s nape with intense emotions akin to anger and frustration. Amber’s moan reached his ears.205f54534ead14b9

You make a5f6e5c7a5 me human.6c19ca715a5fb08e

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An ordinary, wounded, 9e005deb26 insignificant and fragile ec661f1c15 human.0bae3b755072745a

I hate being weak…06d2c0daad2e04f9

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Tennessee licked 127381be3c up the 32aabb4f09 drawn blood 8c894c2b6d and exhaled 0a795d8c93 ragged breaths. Their labored breathing collided.82fd0613624455f5

Amber squeezed his burning eyes shut, then opened them. When he opened them, there was Tennessee with a face he’d never seen before. Slightly flushed cheeks, masculine lips wet with moisture, and in Tennessee’s eyes burned a blazing fire. It was desire. As if that heat had transferred, his cheeks burned hot.b90a3d85ca8a9f23

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Suddenly feeling constricted, ca35fd582b Amber hurriedly pulled f90c6188c1 down his briefs c882af9140 and pressed his be6faddb61 penis against his.Ahh. Hot. So hot, so hard.Tennessee was 13877b6ab2 approaching him 195fd8d9f7 with such 3ebbd6e8a8 passion. Directly toward him.6b8fbb2308020902

“Tennessee…”d76037b8a2f1c8f6

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His rationality was d9dcc3ded1 slowly evaporating. Urging him 94ec6a7a8b on, Tennessee bc90d6b307 roughly lowered ee6ee81d9a his pants. Below his 8ad6b5df89 briefs stood b54c918a05 an erect 8d21b84fbb shadow, blatantly 35a9633686 upright.f3d1cce599b185cc

Amber stuck 9b72d3eb6b out his 60d0f60957 tongue.Suck me.Without words, Tennessee wrapped 519025af97 around his tongue and 305cb97dca swallowed his breath. Their heavy 2058e949a4 bodies kept 6b0428e1d8 colliding and 91c0f3291a swaying about.1bc07c1a9040cd4c

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“Haah- hng… ung, mhm, ah!”ee217e8fb14eb4cd

Tennessee pressed their 2603205781 two cocks together a8fc7b8ed5 and thrust his 36ca22c157 hips.6aa4b252bdc023bb

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Even though the caress 71ce96fd10 was no different from 6d0c2a6417 masturbation, Amber lost his 5a87a3015a mind. Just from their erections 8169062e16 being together, he felt d636c6ebd6 like he would reach 2aebc9b204 his limit.29fb252073e4fa28

“Accept me, please.”09317e8fa6a5eb98

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“Amber, Amber…”438df412a202b8cc

Unable to 010b481436 hide his a0b9ce3b40 passion, Tennessee 60889355f5 stroked Amber. Amber couldn’t regain c2dcaf63ea his senses. All that df5e67301e remained was 46cee984fe the desperate 2266b62169 realization that 55ee6b2409 he could 49541386af never return 750ff31f97 to being 560265f747 that boy d3ebacea71 from before.68ad8cd323dc61e9

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“If you dare pity me after all this, I’ll kill you and then myself, so choose your words carefully.”7f740868561fff55

“You’ve gotten more aggressive.”9120eb5833e93ab6

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Amber had 0e186648ed to press 47553109a6 their lips 96303b654d together, feeling 58d99b89e9 like he 9621d1b517 might cry.cc507370062c91c0

“…Kiss me once more.”ecc723e5aac27c84

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Then, as some 267005a58c memory surfaced, Tennessee 7dafb76260 smirked, raising one 098e2f1eaf corner of his 798f009e66 mouth.00563611bb14cdaa

“Open your mouth.”36444e0c0cb8c5b7

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This isn’t about kissing. I have to finish in front of you today. It’s your fault for teasing me.146d549bf2c741ab

As if saying that, Tennessee grabbed Amber’s jaw.3984fa0ee3d995f2

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456a459174739815