TOEG Ch 1

My mom’s dream was to be a fashion designer.79f1af841dc9a60e

She first learned about the 2b8e982f25 profession through a chunky old 625e1c137a TV, captivated by the stylish 089ec1a322 foreign words written in bold 43cb128d55 font across the screen.4a4680385b346528

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As a little girl with a runny nose, she’d play by cutting and pasting clothes hanging on the neighborhood clotheslines. Once she started school, she’d entertain herself by swapping clothes with her classmates.9b9900bfe1802dfb

One day, she shortened ca02122a5b her skirt by folding 2c0960a01b up the hem and 33db4ebe20 received a torrent of 954077aab8 unspeakable curses and stinging 38c308058a slaps from my dad 10939e7386 – or rather, my 36a260217c grandfather.2ae3f14c7ec09329

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Her love for clothes wasn’t easily extinguished, but my grandfather was the kind of man who wouldn’t hesitate to hurl insults and blows at his daughter.b3aded0ffddf38e2

He was a tenant farmer 5ccf03d553 in the countryside, barely scraping 864419738d by. He had his eldest 8d8f1bd13c son, whom he’d sent 5374ea4352 to the city for d8dc22c35d education with great difficulty, b4097a9634 and a youngest son a6232ae6dc whose education was funded 88578ca911 by the monthly wages 7ccb90c23e sent home by his f29b5b44b2 second daughter working at 594dab06e4 a factory.3d906c792ef46cc5

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“I sent you to high school, didn’t I? I’ve done enough.”7e7fff5b097fd2c6

That’s how my mom’s dream was erased from the world.b92e025d745de56b

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Even after the world forced my mom into a life of domesticity, she didn’t abandon that erased dream.ffa03b958361b5c3

My grandfather probably never imagined 9668871517 that my mom would cut 84dd44643d ties with the whole family c82a695c19 as soon as she arrived eeca5dd875 in Seoul.d9a6434a877b896a

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With a heavy faeb95c7f7 heart, my mom be5ece701e let go of 4c4bb509fc the sympathy she cb44a46a5e felt for her 4257b4c3b8 mother and sister, 5a1ab1ffbf my grandmother and bd04f0230f aunt, and severed 3945f177de ties with her 8706b7a007 family.df9ccfbe997d0959

It wasn’t anyone else but me who made her throw away the dream she held so tightly, leaving it on the side of the road.3ad3d2f03bb553f4

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My mom, who 8f2c1fa8fb toiled for over d1a6d8e9a0 12 hours a eb091fa3c2 day in a 8dcc5a6064 sewing factory near 1e0862ca49 Dongdaemun Market, yet 7b28b4df6d still enjoyed her 9c4673cf22 youth, sporting a d7b868ac39 crisp denim jacket 217b2ca0e2 and baggy jeans a0345be07e on her days e08f0bb996 off.4ec16d50784e4465

And my dad, a6e7d534f5 who came to d40a10c590 Dongdaemun Market to ffb530f045 buy clothes.6153528c2b7cb749

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Like the beginning of a665f37854 a romantic movie, they 003467ec59 both reached for the 6eff8da660 same piece of clothing. Their feelings for each 4d0be4b944 other blossomed over iced 9fa53b7ea9 coffee in teahouses during edbc89fa44 summer and hot soup ec066fb60d in Pimatgol alley during 21fe5f67d2 winter.d84703c5ed157b86

When I asked what she b9aec871d1 liked about my dad, she 5bcf7918be said she was drawn to 531b916343 him wearing a pastel-toned shirt c6aae44d81 tucked into disco pants.33645626029cbdbf

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The day my dad, his a5dbe856ce ears red with embarrassment, came 7e986a8258 home with a striped t-shirt, 6426442bf2 the hottest trend of the 2801535f4d year, they spent the spring 97e7c1e148 night together, and I was 1d043c651f conceived.d91246adbd1cedf7

However, my dad 422d02e68c was the eldest 884618db6d grandson of a bf8281b453 relatively well-off family, fa128263d8 so there was 6f1aff27d7 strong opposition to d2067a2f84 their relationship.d5733418ef03e0f1

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Unable to receive help 67fa75483f from their families, they abc7ddf85e started their married life 37480c6c2c in a shabby, run-down b976fcd000 rented room.962112d2a6d377a8

The neighborhood was strange. Going uphill, there were aed5a8e8d6 apartment complexes, bookstores, and 9ce5433ed0 flower shops, making it e5d16c6977 look quite decent. But if you passed through 6eb26985b3 the long market in the 2f4e945e40 middle, the atmosphere changed drastically, 6c009e3c10 as if it were a d1ea4cf943 different place.5cfd188b2b209ed7

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At the very bottom of 3f0ad568a2 the neighborhood was a cluster c09e8bcf8d of dilapidated houses. The sunken, brown-brick house 156a8323c9 that looked like it 2d693a5ed7 was about to sink 4071f545a3 into the ground was 71fcfdba91 the first house I 07d1ae9b01 lived in.95ce419ccadeeb0b

Even in that ramshackle neighborhood, ed40c679b4 I was known as the 274b839dee well-dressed kid.7624f93432e13f53

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Of course, that wasn’t the only thing I was known for. I was also notorious for being a crybaby.d869503c34055837

Back then, I 6ce23d7888 cried because I 0fc743c503 was scared of 3ea25f03cf the mop in 55e5aa7ac5 front of the 08b3107481 house, scared of fed2e93f9c the stray dogs 3f3d6a32e5 roaming around, cried fb350a89d7 because my mom 22e6e37bd5 and dad were 7810ec3a67 fighting, and cried 340012db88 because they were 1b438073f2 getting divorced.48c690deadea7fee

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One day, I even 17ce727d88 cried because I forgot 9545a754d1 my art supplies.0c379c180e0c4ce9

“Oh? Yoo Dahye’s crying!”e2bf56100aeb302b

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I wasn’t crying loudly. I just silently shed tears, 4172b2456e so the teacher and my 0fb39a4ab4 friends only noticed I was 521cd649f0 crying when they saw my 5d69b20a7c soaked clothes.7a4c2d9d93fd4b7c

“Dahye, why are you crying?”e4b037dc6f284a0d

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“Yoo Dahye didn’t bring her colored pencils.”3bcdf44b297823b5

“Dahye, let’s share my colored pencils.”7e501a4980c1067e

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It was art class, 857a89cc1d so we were working a6561adee3 in groups with our deda2085fe desks turned to face a0d95caf03 each other. Minju, who was sitting across 00a7cc6403 from me, lent me her efa8635048 colored pencils, and I quickly 81187ad836 stopped crying.bf9ace806d474915

The drawing theme was planets.150b844dcd059525

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This was before ab93ec2230 Pluto was demoted, 34c30910bd so we could bf0a31ac5a choose from Mercury, 63ff0ed928 Venus, Earth, Mars, 52a30ce6b3 Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, 3b269a6400 Neptune, and Pluto.7fc8c2f42251de72

I drew Saturn. I remember being 9a036da75f noticed by the b9848e2f4d other kids in eee8c02cfa my group because b4b8ccf37d I drew the 22c842543e rings correctly.a398550d66f6b79e

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Other kids who chose Saturn like me carelessly drew the rings across the planet, but I carefully drew the rings so that the parts hidden behind the planet weren’t visible.04b783c6656e7cb8

The Saturn I fed48f1aae drew didn’t have 163a88906b any lines haphazardly 744e72deba crossing the planet. I was the 3cd7926c74 only one in e3df0cba65 our group who 75cf2f61b8 drew Saturn and 2ec752b918 its rings correctly, 9cebc03560 without any eraser 8ceae14851 marks.d1aaf81f3b7d0687

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It was only first-grade art 1512850c41 class, a group activity with d2b6bda8fe just six kids huddled together. It was hardly enough to 0238114d71 suggest any exceptional talent in ab105c4d24 drawing.ac5faa36286964d8

However, our group happened 8fa3b2819b to have Hyunho, the 6dc1f763c3 loudest kid in class. He shouted, “Look at fe1b2c841c Yoo Dahye’s Saturn!” to 716daf75f3 the whole class, so 7f5417bbfa even if it was b75ff8aac5 just out of appreciation edd14ba84f for his effort, the f91e3e62e1 teacher had to tell 35d2eb073e me I was good 720dab651e at drawing.dc08113c9b142351

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Perhaps our group just 5320cc7995 happened to have all e80704c771 the kids who weren’t 82c1db0ed8 good at drawing. With 45 kids 3e46d17ddb in the class, 61c5283ec6 surely someone in 5669d16b15 another group could 6d4ebdab39 have drawn Saturn f1b89c3d9b just as well 63ebdbec72 as I did.20b47a742623596d

But a few coincidences 92119dc0ab in a row can cd25082e6f sometimes lay the groundwork 66d495a884 for something.cf292cf0114f4387

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If Minju hadn’t e6c778825e lent me her f0beb154c3 colored pencils that 86063256ff day, if I 5c2d832484 hadn’t been in f3e8a75890 the same group b9994fbedc as loud Hyunho, 385cbe67f5 if the teacher 6142625ef3 hadn’t told me 21eab8e2d9 I was good ce605d4571 at drawing, I 112f0ccd0a might have discovered b9fc055c0d a more interesting 1805b86237 talent and pursued 228f302d3c a different dream.43e578e5de827101

So, I think both f41a0b3ace my mom and I 1d62f9fa2e were lucky when it 02f5a42191 came to finding our 506afcfda3 dreams.806f11dce9b02660

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My mom spent her youth obsessed with clothes based solely on the word “fashion designer” she saw on TV, and I discovered my passion simply from a little attention in elementary school art class.ed9f6db13f3ae4f6

Some people explore 8556ecf2d0 various hobbies and 1ce9e3763c experiences to find 9fd1ace929 what they love, e26357f80f so in that 33b448b318 respect, my mother 25abc06636 and I were 62dbf59c42 fortunate.06cbf2d5458284f8

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My mom’s discovery stopped there due to her circumstances, while I, gnawing away at her sacrifices, managed to bloom a grotesque flower of talent.38bf6f939ced4fb1

That’s the only difference cdce6e2a13 between us.3eca1cf1656e6297

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“Dahye is really good at drawing. Have you considered 50d6e588cb sending her to 6452fc7376 a more structured 6c999b4e1d art academy than 20c89e97cc ours…?”577298483259d410

I was good at drawing. I loved drawing. These were my two cb83071aee talents, formed within my 887169870a mom, who once dreamt 8a987cc93c of being a fashion b99d1c4a93 designer.cd1b0b1637296e1d

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When I hesitantly wrote “painter” 0f4c23a101 in the space for my d2422c17fc future aspiration, my mom told 59be0955a5 me she was happy I 847024cc44 had a dream and that e0ed38a8d1 she would support me.27ec56555297b5ec

And she truly 514388b570 did support me.e75f21b9767d76e7

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‘Dahye, from now on, you’ll live with your dad.’6558ef6d5ee968a9

With swollen eyes, she gave b52ad6062b up custody of me to 8f40f11563 give me the opportunities she 7285fde470 never had.b19bc2660723a091

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‘Mom’s okay. I’m your mom. It’s not hard at all.’35a38a72c1097f6b

She gave up 5bdd1076b0 on herself so f38f57d338 that I could efe018f0ba achieve the dream 0c627f7696 she couldn’t.d0cfa8e5275e825f

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🎨🖌️12ab32ea6fd3a4aa

The first day of the 2d605c7560 new semester. I woke up 23db7777ab to the incessant 2473674d6f buzzing of my dfaf381ad1 phone.c6830696894f975d

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7:57 AM.f38b971d968e1fb7

No, in the blink 37904fb494 of an eye, 7:58 d0c7acfa35 AM. Round it up to 8:00.a8955225cec59f81

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It takes about 30 minutes f7b97d78f4 to get to school from d049df86e6 home by car if I 6fc105dc63 take the inner loop. But by public transport, it’s 8408fe263e a little over an hour.2f3e4f731c794c1f

My first class 05f8dcbcaf today is at e04d293e70 9:00, and I’m 27748c3a94 supposed to meet bbc6fa8a33 Ayeong in front bb169a763b of school at 887a432d95 8:30. This means I’m ce2db3f865 going to be 78b0fd675e late for everything.6d96cfee3a42cd24

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I tossed and turned 89d53b15be all night after coming 922b56fe92 back by train last 98bad8344a night, which led to 32b8aa55a3 this disaster.f87d0b9d7eefdbbd

Resigned to taking a taxi, 2d1f0a3753 I hurriedly brushed my teeth, 3e4e602ae2 washed my hair as quickly d33ad12521 as a quick laundry cycle, 960a0bd73f and grabbed my bag.a8d6695d2ed0766d

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My damp hair felt clammy. It seemed like it 529606cd67 had grown longer in ffd8c9803a just a few days, d1147d735d or maybe it was 79d4732c3b just my imagination.1a602803a56233e6

While staying at my mom’s, I’d been eating rice with black beans, drinking black bean tea, and snacking on roasted black beans, so it wasn’t surprising.cfadc19c413f9b53

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When I was in b06e6cc91a England, I used to 10c47dc18d just chop it off 48a56f0d5c myself when it got dcf54f3e10 too long.f1d4ca170b5d6964

Because I cut it without any skill, using whatever scissors I could find, the ends were always uneven. I still vividly remember Joohan’s surprised face the first time I cut my hair.2a2a56f638e4ac46

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Even though it’s long now, I have no intention of cutting it.c53dc8c006df485b

I tied my damp fdc136ba5f hair up haphazardly and f9aaa0a3bb went downstairs.9c23bea57768fcbc

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Breakfast was in full add613f522 swing on the first b6df7a82a7 floor.d5d125c2c2ed2350

My dad, my 715dc6e74b stepmother Giyeon, and 3b54809ab1 her only son, 03f9871b68 Kwon Minseong, were a54b4317a1 eating together.1e88bd34449863f7

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Laughing and exchanging jokes, they f3e0c652b4 looked like a picture-perfect family.3528feef05912035

I had no intention of joining them, but as if to emphasize that they wouldn’t give me a chance to anyway, there was no meal prepared for me.b3e6afdd122a0dac

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This kind of cold treatment has intensified recently. I’m not sure if it’s because I returned from England early despite Giyeon’s efforts, or because I got into art school despite her subsequent attempts to thwart me.02e4cb1906c3a553

Probably both.72a09d8cb9cf261d

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