PD Ch5

The sky lounge c6d1d1a405 restaurant was filled 8f5dcb42cd with dinner guests.ce42498dc428ad79

My mother recognized bd89b545f4 me as I 6660b66bdb entered and raised a5d45a0a49 her hand slightly. She had taken 1b6b45109b a cruise along 5beffb9295 the Han River 0249654f32 and visited some 703cc5edc4 department store, and bffc582e10 on her lap 49ce5cc9ef was a handbag 0a3dee4704 I had never 43cb4f17e7 seen before. Having worked ea104f057b part-time in 4976a034a4 the luxury be1f956cb1 goods section b0675e9f11 of a eed928dafa shopping center, 7046140103 I knew 7dc961247e most of 3c1b7b18dc the brands 5ef75bb29d and product 8e06eb3e9a characteristics. What she was holding 7eb1330ab0 was a so-called luxury 7fd78d19ec bag. It was an f095a273c7 H brand bag, 1c57f086f4 considered one of f012208004 the most luxurious.c8c7c73c1a1e4b9a

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“You’re just arriving?”d9c2295876f772ba

My mother got up and gave me a light hug. It wasn’t that I had a phobia, but it felt as if her scent was transferring to me, along with the man’s scent, so I frowned without realizing it and carefully pulled away from her shoulder.a41735bb117d142f

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“I’m a little late.”b1171a318f7c6826

“Mr. Lee gave me a lot of sightseeing in Seoul today. You know, when I said this bag was pretty, he gave it to me right there. It takes months to order, but I was really lucky.”c03d73747050cc63

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My mother couldn’t contain her joy. It was my mother, but it was hard to listen to her frivolousness. I felt humiliated, as if I had been insulted.e69fd6c28fae5a67

“Is that so.”6ac8630c4fb15f10

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I showed the minimum 1f9fed013c amount of interest I edec3a3c97 could and replied with 36b085ecc1 a blank expression.66adfabbb67bfa04

Mr. Lee.5b1184bdaa9d86f5

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The man who my mother called Mr. Lee when she was in a good mood, and President Lee when she was in a slightly bad mood, the man who would soon become my stepfather, smiled kindly and sent me a look. I sat up straight in my chair and deliberately cast my gaze elsewhere. I didn’t want to make eye contact. If our eyes met, it could only be described as a disaster. The man’s gaze, which seemed to scratch at my brow, was so obvious that the frown on my face deepened a little more.507994ec856f8f13

“Junghyun, tell me if there’s anything you want to eat.”672e86cb215b597c

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The man asked, efaf593ceb persistently giving me d279acf991 a look.6df9214a831aedc3

“What did you order?”23f10e790984187f

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Ignoring the man’s question, I looked at my mother and asked.3fee722bf8a516cc

“I just ordered the set menu. They say the sirloin steak is good here. Do you want steak?”6cdb9671d49255c8

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“Okay.”ea46fdb2b895086b

I answered my mother, 6536c4b64a but this time the b926069526 man asked.8008fa6f643fb938

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“What about wine?”bb9feb835d8fd110

“I’m fine.”ceb786c60bd8a9cb

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Without realizing it, a cold tone came out. My mother’s expression subtly distorted, as if she was worried that the man would notice my dislike of him. The face that I resembled, I was probably making a similar expression to her now.da8a02e7fec35e0c

“Next time.”b52b1d9b70fdb6d5

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I didn’t want to provoke the dry and neurotic side of my mother. I forced a smile, smoothing out my hardened face, and barely managed to say the words.a37bd3b450d03a5c

The man placed an a67a97cd54 order. Listening to the 6d505e97fe dry piano melody, 0dcebf024d I sat numbly, a0f242d180 staring at my be2851b560 mother who was 8dabba5673 chattering incessantly. In a foreign country 917d740eee where communication was difficult, e487ebd939 my mother had used 562e89f531 that land as a c8438b318a refuge, yet she always f462bceaf2 wanted to return to 4d2fd7ef2c Korea, the place she a43ce533c6 had fled from. Finally back in 556de15930 Korea as she d1714353af had long wished, 86b5e2afaa she was in a76ab5e542 a state of af1827278b excitement. She was with a 95a786c5d7 man who had the 04bbf3c3ed financial means to solidly ae8801e734 support their lifestyle. He was a man 82be42d9e5 who had forgiven our 82d53acb48 debt without any conditions, 7f8a557103 even though it had e3feae5831 touched my school tuition. To her, a7c428a768 he was 4bbd11bb1a light, hope, 0c0f105a88 and salvation.ab3c68d600fa72f8

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My mother’s frivolous excitement seemed to keep stimulating my sore spots. I occasionally responded to her words, barely managing to lift the corners of my lips in what could barely be called a smile. My mother, who never knew how to let anything pass quietly, kept prodding at the feelings I was trying not to touch. After talking and laughing for a while, she changed her expression and asked me, who had been indifferent throughout. No, she attacked.34f901638494729b

“Are you uncomfortable?”9e64cfff1e699a89

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“I’m not uncomfortable.”c133b5138cfcae26

“You’re making a face like you’ve eaten something sour.”94d9d1d7da2be096

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“It’s not that. I’m just not used to Seoul. I didn’t grow up here. I feel like I’m in a foreign country the whole time.”d5616ac6d97e8dc1

Yeah, maybe that’s why.9633a28b741be17f

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This place called Seoul, afa1c68833 where people of the 20a22fa160 same race with the bdabc38b36 same skin color using a7c8810529 the same language gathered, 980228b8f5 was still foreign to 78af535ca2 me and unfamiliar even 7e54e05237 after several days had b4939989ed passed.c967da07c913418a

I felt suffocated. I could barely endure this short time, and I doubted how long I could put up with such a shameless mother and the man who couldn’t take his eyes off me. I couldn’t sit here in my right mind.2c9d193b72a73756

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“You wanted to come to Seoul too, didn’t you?”e8ed577a8cab6a1e

“That was when I was young. I said I didn’t want to come. You forced me even though I said I didn’t want to. You should understand that to some extent.”197eccdf435ecc49

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“How dare you!”4080bffd51a5c176

“Grace, that’s enough.”c101796b8745d7e3

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My mother’s Korean name was Jiyoung. She hated her Korean name. Grace was the third English name she had changed to. When someone wanted to introduce themselves, my mother introduced herself as Grace. With a noticeably changed voice and expression, my mother sweetly apologized to the man.c06bcce71acb7258

“I’m sorry. This child is so unsociable. You understand, right?”cfd686e238bad5b7

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“Having grown up in America, Seoul might feel a bit stifling. And suddenly having a father is not an easy thing. I understand, Junghyun.”9a6945f25224fe11

“…”17c8c7d6d2010845

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Only then did I turn my gaze towards the man for the first time. The face of the middle-aged man who had divorced his wife long ago and become single didn’t just show the expectation of starting a family with a woman he liked. It was mixed with consideration, showing that he could fully understand the side effects and conflicts commonly seen in remarried families. A strong fishy smell emanated from the man who was acting kindly while pursuing dirty betrayal. It was a stench. It was the smell of rotting fish and decaying corpses that made one’s nose crumple. Violently rejecting him, I found myself glaring at the man with an expression as if I had smelled something foul.bd7425daccc43220

“This child is getting…! What kind of disrespectful look is that?”a7dd0de996213fd0

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My mother’s hand slapped my shoulder.18ac3621d8ab2e09

“I’ll be going now.”f78658b66ef3348c

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I couldn’t stand it anymore. I abruptly stood up and left the table. A waiter approaching the table with the ordered food stopped in his tracks and gave way to me. When I quickly left the restaurant where people were quietly talking and busy cutting their food, and stood in front of the elevator, the man who had followed me suddenly grabbed my wrist. As if a snake’s tail was coiling around my wrist, I shook him off in horror. My arm drew a large semicircle. My voice trembled, choked with anger.a15149e08c850b8a

“My mom isn’t that stupid. She’ll soon find out. She’ll soon realize what kind of intentions you have for remarrying, what dirty thoughts you’re harboring inside. If she doesn’t seem to know, I’ll tell her. I’ll tell her with my own mouth what you did to me.”75a82e0360cde4b1

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“Junghyun.”102b1b88a4930d6d

“Are you really crazy?”b3ded8844c671803

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“Junghyun.”208a9e0470316513

“Don’t touch me!”e62c22974b9269ee

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I stepped back a couple of steps to avoid the man’s hand reaching out to me. I was wary of him like prey facing a predator. The man’s outstretched hand curled into a pitiful shape. Just as his hand shape was pitiful, so was his expression. Despite my obvious disgust, desire was thickly coated in his eyes, and he didn’t even try to hide it. That was the truly disgusting part.b4c5acaa6047e2fd

“That’s not how I feel.”121781ccecc73b5b

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“Should I tell mom what you did to me? That you want to remarry? Are you really in your right mind? Sort yourself out. It’s horrifying just to think about it.”b6992995578bc222

“This is the first time I’ve felt this way.”b858bcf7d91d453a

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“…”a83b32aff4c2aa20

“I’ve never experienced this in my entire life. Even I’m bewildered.”c280ba1deb2c6164

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“…”55a1aca04d347d21

“I don’t know what to do. I just want to keep you close. That’s all I feel.”e7489b36208e19ab

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“…Don’t touch my body.”3da5a9fab62436d7

I escaped into the elevator that had just arrived, avoiding the man who was gradually reducing his steps. He was a man who couldn’t be reasoned with. He was a man who lacked common sense. He didn’t care even though I was showing my disgust with my whole body. He clearly didn’t understand what I was saying. A sane person couldn’t act like that. It seemed like the worst-case scenario I had threatened and yelled at him about would unfold if I continued to deal with this man who seemed to have lost his grip on sanity somewhere. The man who couldn’t control himself and hide his emotions was literally a ticking time bomb that could explode at any moment. Ultimately, the most horrifying thing I wanted to avoid was my mother realizing the dirty desire her soon-to-be husband harbored for her son.02838a4c8b5b6be5

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I was terrified by the man’s eyes burning with desire for me. My body, frozen pale blue, moved stiffly. As I frantically pressed the elevator close button, a thin hand prevented it and entered. It was my mother.fbff4cfcaa2ea6d5

“Stay in. I’ll take the child home and come right back.”ecf39a538e88109d

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My mother smiled leisurely f26dca4025 as she got into cc9a19bde8 the elevator. As the doors closed a232d9bf21 on the image of 915da886d5 the man standing helplessly, 221130dc51 unable to stop us, c25686948f my mother immediately slapped d7aa789115 me hard across the 5249922c22 face.3b72356255d03d1c

Slap.af2bae1da5c88657

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With my 8015197259 head turned, 8012a3b98f my gaze 8df9d9395f was directed 81c86f19ab at the 556c707717 elevator floor.639a5785ab240f81

“I couldn’t even pay the trailer rent! President Lee solved everything for us, don’t you know that? You and I owe him a big debt! This isn’t polite! Why are you acting so stubbornly? What’s the reason?!”616a99bedbb43e6f

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“The fifty thousand dollars that was scammed was my money. You’re the one who owes me, Mom. I don’t owe that man anything.”55d93bdf699ae89f

“You’re putting on airs in front of your mother over a few pennies like that? I’ve endured and sacrificed my whole life for you. You know better than anyone how it was for me in America where we had no one.”c7f6780b611e8290

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“Mom, you didn’t endure for my sake. Don’t call it a sacrifice that you’ve raised me all this time while finding me burdensome like baggage. You didn’t sacrifice. You just didn’t have the courage to abandon me. You were afraid of being haunted by guilt and living as if being chased after abandoning me. And if I wasn’t there, Grandpa would have cut off the money.”a24a45ad465b52b8

“…”8337a6bf0100ba40

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“Am I wrong?”dcec51d8817c3156

The disgust that 43c3e4645c showed when I 99d1333470 looked at the 1d40909fb4 man appeared unfiltered c6fce8bfb4 on my face. She trembled 6fbcdf7317 her lips 64fc8ae1a3 as she 816b2fa6b4 looked at 586a448eba my face. After glaring at a781710b9c me for a bdd8645a8b while, my mother 3f42c761f2 opened her mouth.7cb7479c5268768f

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“Is your mother such a disgusting person to you?”4393750619bf416b

“I feel sick every time you act like this.”276b8a48747bcca9

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My mother’s lips twisted. Our life in a foreign country where we had endured with just the two of us. The symbiotic relationship where we sometimes hated each other but couldn’t let go of pity was not that of comrades, but enemies. Enemies that we couldn’t abandon despite being enemies. My mother needed me, and I needed my mother, after all. For survival, we had to endure even what we disliked, and it was a time we couldn’t easily cut off just because we were mother and son.0e621294c2f24388

“Whether I treated you like baggage or found you burdensome, I’m the mother who gave birth to you. Don’t I have the right to do this to you after giving birth to you in pain?”5dd7607cd76aae25

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“I never asked to be born as your child. I wasn’t born because I wanted to be.”29be64e11da02a51

“What is it that you hate so much, do you dislike that your mother is becoming happy?”7f6836aa18f46b91

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“That man doesn’t love you, Mom.”92c12074107beb1a

“…Do you think I love that man?”4ce96638cd458734

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My mother’s eyes wavered. I was desperate to choose the right words. My mother liked that man. Whether it was a sticky feeling of love or not was unclear, but she did like him, and she wanted to hold onto the man, using money as a superficial reason. The man used ambiguous rhetoric. He showed that he would marry her if she pushed for it. Whether he was being dragged along or voluntarily leading, it didn’t change the fact that it would take the form of marriage. My mother knew this fact better than anyone.f6a807da651a94c7

Even in this situation, I didn’t want to hurt my mother. I could tolerate the wounds I inflicted on my mother, but I couldn’t bear it when it was caused by someone else. I was afraid that my mother would get hurt because of the man. Like me, my mother was already in tatters.7b65b365353d718a

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