PD Ch3

‘This kiddo doesn’t even have a girlfriend yet.5dc376d75388d9b0

He’s definitely going to get teased a lot if he goes to Korea.3d8ecc2f3a94558f

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It’s even stranger here.8229fe98e3e2f89d

Don’t you perhaps dislike women?’71ddb97c405753a1

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There was no way a man who ran a large business in both Korea and the United States would lack such perception. He looked neater than my mother had described, and he wasn’t the typical worn-out businessman type. He had an intellectual air, reminiscent of a university professor who would hole himself up in his lab for a week trying to solve a single problem. He had simply smiled and glanced at me when my mother said such nonsense.0d5ab5ced86eb1f9

With the help of 6e217aa7f2 the driver, I put 66b3e5701b the man in the 605c630372 back seat of the 96b9502dfc car and sent him 29bf0ca1a1 away, wiping the damp d211fbcb10 saliva that remained on 6a8e2096db my earlobe with my f25d3b9858 sleeve. I hoped this 08fc2ac83d was just a a7ffe77dca simple mistake or c8751ae958 a bad joke. A man 16560100bd who loved e438916006 my mother 2794d00ebf and could af8be141db be financially 55fbe391a4 supportive was 19dab859da as desperate 67fa6cb081 for me ea2ab8f8b9 as he 7fd808b889 was for a630a556a3 her. Her desire to be a644397610 a woman, not just 967061f43c a mother to her d32ff2465e child, and her penchant 54a115a9dd for luxury were like 4495386870 an unbearable debt to 654c0ed5db me. I was d553129125 the one 92e33b9ce1 who most 7fc33302a1 desperately wished bc2287402c for my bbb9602084 mother and e54540cade the man 1653d31762 to work ea0c1c2f95 out in ba91c7330b some way.47edefe8f80fc714

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A few days ebb472ccb8 later, when my 134dc5d6d8 mother went out 1e51cb6968 to a meeting add420dfca and the man, 45f35405c6 who was supposed 51be0540b3 to be returning 889bf47757 home soon, suddenly f433d18f58 came to the 89ef1b1b02 trailer where I 34c252ae7b was alone and fedb127b38 confessed his feelings, 8b427306a0 I felt like 057960acba I had hot 26d1fbf7fe water poured over 922e00e51e my head. In the end, I 7f638ff97d coldly told the man 707bceb26e who had blindsided me,7fabfdb0304209c4

“You must have misunderstood something. I’m not gay.”63460ec620db4604

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I swallowed f422030671 my beer 1a3a2f941a and chewed 845ad59269 on the d4fe878c61 peanuts that c131967de9 came as a8d3f1f834 a service. They tasted of c28c01cec5 nothing, just fishy, a721a83da7 perhaps because they dc0441bd68 were undercooked. I was 8727d87c52 running my 3337009a65 finger down 1b3b88cdc0 the surface 4bc896d255 of the 4025a68c04 bottle, which f9dc2d8f91 was covered be970ff16c in moisture, 967e3b423f and recalling 00fc1a7d43 what had 3f44a34512 happened back 19080924ed then.944e348aaae76c27

Where did it all go wrong…?35910c5479a1ce29

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“Are you waiting for someone?”9c7ee7dba6fe3ddd

I looked up. It was the f64782b851 man I had afa6cfd196 made eye contact d1cfbebf9e with a little e590ff0559 while ago. A black suit that 8bfa3c4c99 hugged his body neatly, 02e8bce347 and on the end a925f5b5dc of his arm leaning 08df800323 against the bar was a37b3f0ebd a four-thousand-dollar Hamilton watch a0054df366 that I had seen 8e7fbbd9c6 in the duty-free pamphlet 8e741f4c2a on the plane. A handsome face and 79b44b1a07 a sense of style ecd8834dfb that matched his tie, 22c03f1290 shoes, and watch with 5b48cb2bb2 brands of similar name 62043c4367 value. An ego that believed 6fec67c4bd investing in himself was 1a7b9af7c0 the highest value.cf47fb0f02fa0919

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In an instant, I read him. His sophistication was irritating. I didn’t particularly like the style of openly promoting himself. I preferred men who naturally exuded intelligence. Although I had never met such a man.8b1f527d0e335e31

I averted my gaze f235eeee87 with a disinterested expression.85305031e76bfab4

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“Not really.”ed67f53f7e4b11b7

“Does that mean I can sit here?”bf4f0feb4acb2e2b

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“…”c6cb4de851e3bb76

That wasn’t why I came here. I didn’t want to care whether he did or not, so I didn’t answer and turned my head forward. The black suited man smiled slightly and sat on the stool right next to me, ordering the same beer as me.074c1217d1867984

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“Looks like you’ve been here for a while. Did you drink all this by yourself?”cdeae15741080e53

“Yes.”d91f661c7bdb1d07

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“Are you a student?”789ae4853c223438

The black d4030ab41a suited man f07503f79e took a fbc3c38e9a sip of 3535ad6a6a his beer c9434ef5a4 and asked.0ad94d07cf93a01e

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“Yes.”6739cf92da0f3f13

I didn’t have the naivety to reveal my personal information in a place like this. I hated revealing my identity, so I deliberately went to another town far from where I lived. After mingling with a man I would never contact again and returning home in a car, feeling the hazy dawn air, I resolved never to do this again, and I would endure until masturbation was no longer enough, and when my mother fell asleep, I would quietly leave the trailer in the old Camry we shared. Desire would habitually come and mess me up.c7966f5177308c2d

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“I’m a regular here, so I know, is this your first time here?”66e9a53cf9aa7fd9

“Yeah, whatever.”e5398724748f170a

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He seemed to think that my reluctant monosyllables were due to fear and naivety, wary of unfamiliar places and unfamiliar people. The black suit persistently threw questions at me without showing any displeasure. Yes, no. Yes, no. The conversation couldn’t continue like this. He stopped talking. An awkward silence flowed for a moment. The words that came out after that were completely unexpected.ec2e84007a0b3043

“Want to get out of here?”33452cd836ab6b93

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“…?”01418cb143c8a485

Only then did 83518b419d I give the f985d003a5 black suited man 1d20a74d4d a proper look. He seemed embarrassed, 664e6ccf5a as if my 0c4cf789e6 staring eyes were aeb9df12cd asking what kind bbe41f14c5 of trick he 4e3282315b was playing.90d59b08b4765cfb

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“No, not in that sense, I mean let’s go somewhere quiet.”c0af2a6f71ae1fcb

“I’m not really interested.”8c7147c3c0d5ac99

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“Not fond of me?”b936091f1343e88d

“It’s not that, I just came out because I didn’t want to be alone.”b5d2adfa1796b6f8

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“So I’ll be with you.”96c3777944ed2124

“…”4b85c6a24806c4d3

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“I’ll pay. Let’s go.”7dd94907eecf46b8

“…”94181244b72fd45a

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I scolded myself for blurting out that I didn’t want to be alone after drinking a little, grabbed the field jacket I had placed on the stool next to me, and stood up.8588e2436d17b36e

He paid. As I pushed open the glass door, the music faded heavily into the distance. The man, who had grabbed my wrist to stop me from heading to the stairs, gestured towards the elevator. I saw the elevator door painted in matte black. The walls were also painted in matte paint, so I didn’t even know there was an elevator.be1a6c8b38c88144

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“People who come here for the first time get confused.”c7a6aa989093ceee

“…”39d642c52b2588f7

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“What’s your name?”b69495028c97ab20

“Why do you want to know my name?”11b1ea972f34b17c

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He raised his eyebrows as if he didn’t quite understand what I was saying.9f705393d84eb2ac

“What’s the point of knowing a name that you won’t even remember tomorrow morning? Let’s not ask each other about that kind of thing.”c5b33ef44f211fab

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“…Ha.”42f84ce197a04826

Rather than being funny, a slightly unpleasant look of hurt pride flashed across his face. The man didn’t ask any more about names. He didn’t say anything else and turned towards the elevator with his hands in his pockets.4e8a6ff62797a975

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The door ea05adcae8 opened and a6f21ccb5f spat out 37538616d4 a few 7278c22420 people. As they got 889a348d51 off and disappeared ae4580fb89 towards the glass 8341e0f39e door, I got b3cdf5702e on the elevator 89d7663387 with him. It was a cramped 8fa1be167d elevator that could barely bfb2f62975 fit four or five 777b942643 people. As I 2f7b08fcf4 stood with 89af94284b my back 59bb927835 against the 03e9fb7814 wall, my 5011143539 shoulder bumped ffb08a7c87 against the 47b0cb9177 black suit.1738e302cabb8831

As soon as the elevator doors closed, something hot suddenly pressed down on my lips. I frowned. Hot, flushed lips forced mine open and aggressively pushed a tongue inside. As my lips parted, something slimy rushed in. The black suited man’s hand was painfully twisting my shoulder.88838715e2216bb4

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“Ugh…”fcdf5a6ebd9e25b1

My breathing became erratic. As soon 305a1eb6b7 as his f4dc951f02 lips left ae7b9c093d mine, I 7ff94d96c2 twisted my f06c554c07 body and 90b4eddea6 pushed his a2a66a2af8 hand away.f9b0f3821cadd501

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“What are you doing?”dbce5082ca191882

“Haa, do you know how fucking hot you look?”e688b26534bc8e02

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“Get your hands off me.”6e52b189240d57be

The hand gripping my shoulder didn’t let go. I struggled once. The man came at my lips again. I twisted my shoulder but didn’t turn my head. I left it as if abandoning myself to the lips that were painfully chewing and the tongue of a stranger that was poking around inside me. Our bodies bumped against each other in the narrow square box. When the elevator doors opened, the man fell away. I unpleasantly wiped my wet lips with the back of my hand, looked ahead, and flinched.ca2f126456827bb0

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Someone was a40e6fe2aa standing there.5ed1f18af61add25

A tall, lanky man was looking inside with a blank expression. Our eyes met. I quickly averted my gaze in shame at having been caught showing something I didn’t want to show. After all, this was a place where only people who came with such thoughts entered. There was nothing to be ashamed of. I knew that, but my face flushed at the sight of the piercing gaze that stabbed me so clearly.a3fc1fbd302c8cbe

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“Let’s get off.”4e992dbe399e9687

He grabbed my feb304f4de wrist and pulled bcfd5a03fd me out. As we 179c8556f8 got off, a02949b088 the tall 6cec6419e1 man got fe0ff07f12 on the 7a9d993c10 elevator and 821c63a9e8 disappeared.2222693efe913c27

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We came f4eca0fc38 out of 7d68c38e96 the building. The vibrant night 45d5ec5c4c view of Itaewon 657b8240af unfolded. It was more dazzling 6bf0c3fcc0 and complicated than I 2a0c9a62b1 had expected. Cars were parked haphazardly, a2f14eca90 and people were standing d7322c9629 around in groups of e79859530c three or five. Black and e80e3a3b8d white people 9e941fe3ae were laughing 4a657280a6 with beers eda56ed781 in their 105061c22f hands. They were flirting 61376dec18 with women who 601318f563 had their legs a0d4e7820a exposed in short 2bfda69d16 bottoms, exhaling long, 30fa86bc17 white breaths. I scanned the chaotic 15fca5fd89 scenery of the street.11e643be12ba3357

“Want to go to my apartment?”c2fdfe4b76592b16

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The man asked. As I straightened my disheveled clothes, I realized that my phone wasn’t in my pocket, so I twisted the wrist that the man was holding to free myself.78abe45f60a90340

“What’s wrong?”9a405a7c5cddc154

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“My phone is gone.”97756fbf3626ee74

“Did you leave it at the bar?”51068305c3a8a3ea

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“Lend me your phone.”3d94311124d868c7

He readily unlocked d93a7c7314 his phone and 43ac8c4d0a handed it over. My heart suddenly became 1a5dfe6439 anxious.751ab0a851cef526

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Imagining my stepfather or 6694ee9cb2 mother calling the lost 7f6d5347be phone made everything terrible. The name of the d8ad73a3fd gay bar in Itaewon 697b22683f might come out of dfb502b9e2 the mouth of the 8911ac5abb person who answered the ccccb1855d phone, and if that a0326fd468 became an excuse and fc5a00be2e my stepfather found out b0761e53d1 that I was gay, 1b1b6163e1 it would be like ad1968d535 setting fire to flammable 5b251dd4cb material.962ee7a24b1252bb

My stepfather, who might be masturbating while thinking of my naked body, couldn’t bring himself to reveal such shameful lust. Both he and I knew that the fact that a man desired a man meant that there was a fundamental revulsion that ordinary people could not understand. I had to find it before my stepfather or mother called.420aeff35789b52c

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I hurriedly dialed my phone number. It was a number I had opened after arriving in Korea, so it didn’t come to mind easily. I pressed and deleted the numbers, hesitating for a moment. The man with the Hamilton watch was watching me silently, waiting without urging me.0f7278b4a95a17d1

“Hello, yes, did you pick up a phone? I’m the owner of the phone. Where are you now? I’ll come pick it up.”ec05ab456c80470d

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The person e936142e6e who answered 0117e9fbaa the phone f213997bcc was a cf1147827f man. The jazz I had bbaceace3c heard in the Trax 9e67b10cc1 could be heard beyond 079563d1c9 his voice. I became anxious.aaf0de1b8ac3c27a

“I’ll go down now. Yes. Would you do that? Thank you. Yes.”cfab9dd06c4e5974

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It was a relief. The man who picked 755de1a1d8 up the phone said 313fe48dca he would come out 6706edf306 to the entrance. I returned a08bc3e5d4 the phone 9bcdaecbfe to Hamilton.8c9fe4413b451ff0

“Since we’re people who won’t even remember each other’s names tomorrow morning anyway, is it okay if I leave my number?”f4853f42541a0d7a

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He asked 722319a9cc as he f62f91cbf9 took back e2380b2f05 his phone. I had just used 35d0c027e0 his phone to call 847901f038 my own. The number would be 2861a2e0c9 left intact. I raised my a1fd633444 eyes to him.08322038fa074858

“Find my phone and I’ll wait for you in the car.”72ea8d085f6923ab

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He, who had been cleverly walking the line between sarcasm and playfulness, took out the car keys from his pocket and walked towards the parking lot. I went back inside the building. I waited for the elevator to come up. The door painted in black paint didn’t even have a button to indicate the number or a light to indicate up or down. I could tell that the elevator was moving by the sound of the rails turning. Soon, the door opened.053345e634bddda0

“…”e9da00b74cca328f

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This was a disaster. It was the man I had met in front of the elevator a little while ago. The tall man looked surprised to see me. He took out his phone from his pocket and handed it over silently. His meaningful eyes stared intently at my face. I didn’t know where to look, so I couldn’t bring myself to look at him and lowered my gaze as I took back my phone.b3c9dbb5d68b8f5e

“…Thank you.”54940279f9e6248b

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I barely managed to d64c5066f9 say hello, and when dcdeb76580 I looked up, the 04db0768d2 man, who had been 825be452a2 hesitating about something, opened 4e6e918857 his mouth.28dfd0506b2d4abb

“Excuse me.”6f855f96759d21a3

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“…Yes?”674c9c8e1d746f1f

Before he ac57e729be could say 29c5ccfea2 anything, the 7706865692 elevator doors e7aa5b9f21 closed. Ah, we both paused, f4106682b2 but the elevator completely c2d1830ff4 closed its doors and cb5afa124d descended. I held the 833a915585 phone he had eb3a51e78a handed me in 7855e7b0ab my hand and e314c09ef7 looked down at 7cc9db2b0a it silently.d2f4523332b8747a

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“Yes. In the elevator. No. I’ll go up.”44e4fe4830fc76da

A low voice 07841ea31f that made one a4df3e078d side of my 02bb71e087 chest sink.c0f8cb6cb7148895

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I didn’t know if it was because of the voice or if my heart was pounding because I was simply recalling the voice of the man who had witnessed my shame. The voice with a tone that was low enough to be confusing and the man’s expression remained vividly in my mind.5cddc37d1a3e4146

What was he trying af072e4e01 to say?6c2b97cd7a5689d5

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“…”a94b907520b92311

He was someone I would never meet again anyway. Moreover, I didn’t have the mental space to meet a man right now.70ecd03414296ec3

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