PD Ch2

“So, what are you going to do in the future?”5217d2cfb3376b80

At my senior’s question, I opened my mouth as if asking for the last lifeline.30a8c2205f510771

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“…If you need translation, please give me some work.”b1d8992efc0af515

“…”ef6def8ad24b1c64

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Senior Hwang, who had asked so casually, paused mid-sip of his coffee. He looked puzzled. Though we hadn’t known each other long, Senior Hwang knew my personality to some extent. I was awkward with requests. Like those who aren’t good at asking for favors, I was fundamentally the type with excessive pride.b207e68e3c76f316

I was ashamed. Asking for work out of the blue. The hand gripping the mug tightened, knuckles protruding. Senior Hwang seemed unsure what expression to make. I hadn’t come to trouble him. I awkwardly swept back my hair. After a moment of thought, he stood up and abruptly handed me a book.0a74f159d06313cb

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“Talk of the devil. Take this.”eab5df7441b9b5c4

I looked back and 3f29afa057 forth between Senior Hwang 1bd9f48f58 and the book he ef0865d92c was offering, my face 63066fcbc9 questioning.fee477b15d7c147a

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“There’s this children’s book that blew up in the States recently, right? We bought the rights. We’re planning a massive advertising campaign, from broadcasting to printing, subways to streets, so give it a read. We were looking for a translator anyway.”fdfad5b3140374a9

It was a sudden proposal I hadn’t expected at all. I shook my head.2c8d9581395d9ae0

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“No, I haven’t done anything this big yet.”64bd1f264d05c682

“I didn’t say I was going to entrust it to you.”c523bdfd465edc75

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“…”f800b3d2100f98bf

“It’s not the main translation, it’s a sub-project. And we’re a small company here, so I can’t pay much. But I’ll try my best.”201e9e13b233327a

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“…”28b1a1b27c54b87e

“Why, are you too moved?”627b3b7b93512ab9

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I couldn’t bring myself to speak. I gripped the innocent mug as if it would break. I looked down at the brown liquid swaying with each clench of my hand, and finally opened my mouth.104c85e83e906521

“Forget the money, instead…”d2d4b1ee69399e40

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“Instead? Instead, what? Huh? What?”cdcc2c2545e22099

The impatient Senior Hwang f6cc393185 leaned forward, pressing me.b2fe8866c78a9e0f

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“I need a place to live.”d2ee3a46415cb727

“What?”aaf19ead18127bc4

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He frowned slightly, tilting his head as if he hadn’t heard me properly.a071cdf351690db5

“A house.”50691c1a6315dff8

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“Are you asking for an apartment right now? Look at this guy’s nerve.”e490a5f75e2bdd74

“Not an apartment, just a place. I’m not asking for it, I’m asking to borrow it.”f349bbe67ec863c8

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“Where are you staying now? And where’s your mother?”ce5c6a7472e998d8

“A friend’s house is empty, so I’m staying there for a bit. My mother is… elsewhere.”a4cc319b008d6186

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“Suddenly asking me to find you a place, what’s that supposed to mean? You came to Korea without finding a place to live? Is there something wrong?”a846cf4609566d5a

Senior Hwang, finally realizing the seriousness of the situation, asked with a darkened face. I couldn’t answer his questions, nor could I handle them. I put the half-drunk coffee on the table and stood up. I also left the children’s book Senior Hwang had given me on the table.ec3e70f7ae100d77

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“I’ll be going.”e6c9e693101ef58d

“I need to know what’s going on to find you a house or sell one. What’s wrong?”ecb71299e0e73242

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“It’s nothing.”901753403fcf17f5

“Nothing? A guy who claims it’s nothing comes looking for me first thing in the morning with a face like he’s about to die, asking me to find him a house?”906c3306aab88294

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“Give the translation to someone else. I don’t think I can do it.”c6ce9eb686895816

“What’s wrong with you? You need to tell me what’s going on so I can help.”8f143b7a7b0586e2

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“I don’t need it.”704df423343f4b06

“Yoon Junghyun.”9b20a70381fade42

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“…I’m sorry. I’ll be going.”eefffeceef21816c

As I turned, Senior bbc4e710ce Hwang slammed his mug 84cd325f8a on the desk and 17b891a5e5 stood up. The bang 0d1a948f25 sounded like 0eb217a69e a threat b6ab9080af to stay 314a2be909 put. I stopped, my 43b06a0cfc hand on the 54f0b46eb0 doorknob.ee6cbb848cc670f8

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“Take the book.”8b5e99dc8cd6f658

“…”853dfd917f7e37ed

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“I’ll look for a place for you, and if I can’t find one, you can come to my house. I have a spare room.”856bb7d4f4cbc932

Senior Hwang had been married for only about a year. Even if there were more rooms in his apartment, I didn’t want to go in. Only after thinking about that did I realize.7685d4b45e7e4a8a

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Hwang Minho and I had met briefly while studying in the United States and shared a few drinks on the weekends. We weren’t actually close enough to be having this kind of conversation. It felt like my mind had gone haywire.0b4f43a71e471d13

“…”b580527c026a123d

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“Take the book.”2c42a28a448baca7

I turned around and picked up the book I had placed on the table with the mug. Senior Hwang’s frighteningly hardened expression finally loosened a little. But he was still serious. I bowed my head and tried to open the door silently. Senior Hwang urgently grabbed me.9c86bbaf3cef1888

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“We haven’t seen each other in years, and you’re just going to leave like that? You don’t have plans for dinner, do you? It’s been a while, let’s have a drink.”cf2de38e3ca3bf82

It was a metaphorical expression of his determination to find out what was going on. I didn’t dislike the intention of getting me drunk and making me spill the beans in that atmosphere. He was a kind person. The problem was that there were things I couldn’t tell even him. I refused without looking at him.baf71beec9d9a966

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“I have plans.”51607f76f897dab0

“…”20d2414b6e5089cf

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“I really do.”fdbfc4adea7d7df8

He and I both knew that I didn’t have any plans, but I added it euphemistically. He sighed.a53477faa976d6ba

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“Alright. I’ll let you go for now, but not next time. If you came to rely on me, then put on a thick face and rely on me until the end. I’m capable enough.”606e97ec0e345d30

I turned my 6cecd34f54 head to look 2484ecc98c at him. He had the bca2bce34e eyes of an fd86125218 older brother looking 30813bd9e2 at his youngest dec257f247 sibling who had 51c6aeb0ab been put out 991965c98d by the water.cd8b0b04b7764073

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“It’s not like that. I’ll be going.”b82c51ba4cb79ab8

“Call me.”2e67acd70226eb0c

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“Yes.”2b0a6e7855213b0d

I took the book and left Senior Hwang’s company. I wasn’t in my right mind, wondering what I was thinking when I made the appointment with him, what I was thinking when I went to his company. Half out of it, I walked to the subway station. The sharp, cutting wind had subsided a little. I couldn’t feel the cold at all. My thoughts weren’t going the way I wanted them to.59d076594351de0e

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***7ea5865870a206e8

Even though I e7d84ef82c was wearing a a9d8b33bcc thick military jacket, 342b81fe43 the sharp wind 57cb55b407 hit my cheeks 526b938ca3 and roughly penetrated 2a252bc3a0 my side. I crossed my 4d27880601 arms against the 14e8d84afe penetrating cold. I pushed my c672bf209a hands into my bbf0504fc9 side to try ef8fefe968 to retain some 7fe9a6a169 warmth.d79ed975b7298f3a

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There was a time when I couldn’t afford to live with my mother, so I came here alone to attend middle school in Korea. The unrenovated Gimpo Airport was very old even in my young memory. My maternal grandfather and grandmother were standing in the arrival hall with a large sign with my name on it. People I had seen once when I was a child, whom I didn’t even remember, and whom I had only seen in pictures since then, people I had only awkwardly exchanged greetings with over the phone. As a young child, I ran and hugged them as soon as I found them in the arrival hall lobby, people I could only consider as the first people I knew. It was the first time I felt a sense of relief in Korea, where I was surrounded by people who spoke a familiar language and had familiar faces, after being alone in a strange place with fear and isolation. Seoul had always remained that way for me. The only people I knew that I found in a strange airport. But not now. It was unfamiliar. Terribly unfamiliar.81a5a3c953de6808

Today was c13540da9e Friday evening. The eve cb1a5d0c63 of the 7a9581e498 weekend was 88b4075715 the same 28001ef743 all over b64f88a5d8 the world. It was a 5fc88fb4e5 time when traffic 56bfcdc52f was congested everywhere. The subway was 9615782574 crowded with people ac9aaa7d9f leaving work. I stared blankly 32bbf42d35 at the route af73fcf2c7 map, wondering where 35a1413564 to go and 6785c665c6 which train to d7a23ab10d take. Then, the 6e82f99008 name of 3e0cfd5274 one place e22e10b2ec caught my 4af1d62644 eye.9a9209d26e92f095

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“…”0e3870b56e42c5e3

I got on the 18779e021a subway that was arriving 35efa78fa3 just then. I was giving off f96839909f the gaze of a f5ac9f27ac tourist looking around the 9fa8007dc0 subway as if traveling 78285de5bd in a foreign country. There were hardly f6852a7866 any people reading d94fbc1cea newspapers or books 57b74ea35e on the subway. Most of 59b56f68ee them were 5f7cb95eea holding cell 331c244db2 phones, slightly 4064ddb42d larger than f49e12edcd their palms. Some people within my 22b92a3f2e sight seemed to be b80b922264 watching the same TV 895eacc91b program. The shoulders of e3a1efe3ae those wearing earphones 6f04f8eeaf shook intermittently at cf3e63ae4c the same time, f12c903cee and I could efb5b9e248 hear chuckling sounds.a392ed81c06b1c36

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Was it because it was Friday? There was no sharp tension or weariness of having to live another day on people’s faces. Everything was languid. Unlike those whose tension and rigidity had eased, I leaned against the opposite exit as if being chased by someone. I twisted my head to avoid the smell of other people’s bodies.50c78738b7104083

After a few 55338634e2 stops, I got b3164329c2 off and transferred aefdb9a642 to another subway a4273fb88a line. It took exactly an 5b4909a568 hour after getting on 1aa4fa28f1 the subway to find 71567b92f3 the way to Tracks bbd513f858 in Itaewon, asking for f288d8f4c9 directions.9a18f97b94975ca6

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Tracks, which was sometimes d0986cc6a8 used as a performance fe84b2c886 venue, was on the 20f1546f4c third basement floor of 4e6126b7f9 a seven-story building. It was aff7f00f5b the first 75b53085e7 place I d7113e1411 had ever 68cf8e4b37 looked for b12a6ba3d6 after hearing 714b854593 that there f3e492ed32 were gay 0e59c95a97 clubs in b08bed5321 Korea. I had 9b913b29bf only seen 5593fc4708 it in b84d721e49 pictures and 3dcac7c94e texts, but 09585e473a it felt 17595bed95 strange to 0cd7d9712b stand in c2d01d3981 front of b9a479195f it in d7ed44d946 person. I stepped down the b2050a1304 spiraling stairs, opened the 469ee34ebc glass door, and went 820707f42c inside.d3976c5e7227771a

It was a little after eight o’clock, so there weren’t many customers. There were salarymen with women at one table, and most of the tables were empty. It wasn’t a place to dance and have fun. It was a little different from what I had expected, but I didn’t want to repeat the journey I had wandered for an hour to get here, so I had no other choice.f396acaea9134c96

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I wanted to forget everything, or rather, I wanted to evaporate my consciousness in the heat and madness where I couldn’t think of anything. My original purpose in coming here was to mix in with a dissolute crowd, shake my body, and let myself go. Things were going differently than planned, but I couldn’t make a different choice after coming all the way here. I walked inside, where the soft jazz melody and the low notes of the contrabass pleasantly wrapped around my body.966b923d1e969c0c

I sat on a stool and ordered a beer. I took off my jacket and put it down next to me, and drank the beer. When it was past ten o’clock, past eleven o’clock, and past twelve o’clock, people like me would fill this place one by one, waiting for someone to stick close to them and talk to them, making their pupils shine.2ad92aa43cbb9e16

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Before I knew it, four bottles of beer were placed in front of me. Three of them were empty. I rolled up my sleeves and checked the watch on my wrist. The hall was filling up faster than I thought. The population density had increased even before ten o’clock. Surprisingly, the proportion of women was high. It was a place where having a good gender ratio was of no help. There was a bit of a pathetic aspect to a city dweller with no one to meet burying themselves in the crowd and sipping alcohol alone, but I was able to escape the pressure of reality that was tightening around me. But I knew best that the effect would only last an hour or two at most.5ca6a241df36d9eb

What my mother always chose to forget reality was alcohol. I watched the fact that its effect was too short from the closest distance. So she drank again when the effect was about to disappear. She was always drunk. A reality that she and I couldn’t bear without being drunk was our lives. And I always vowed to myself, watching my mother, that I would not live that way.c98da32961cb8658

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I had to get up before I got drunk. I put the bottled beer to my mouth and drank it, thinking of finishing the beer I was drinking now and getting up. I couldn’t taste anything, as if I was forcibly stuffing the leftovers into my already full stomach. I looked around the hall and made eye contact with someone. It was a gaze that had been watching me for a long time, waiting for our eyes to meet. I stared at him and nonchalantly turned my gaze away.b6923a70b6dd475d

At first, I thought it was my stepfather playing a lewd prank. It was the day I invited him, the grateful man who had liquidated my mother’s debt without any conditions, to dinner. A public shower room where hot water flowed for five minutes if you put in fifty cents, a smelly bathroom where teenagers secretly sneaked in and were madly engrossed in sex, a trailer village where poor people gathered on unmanaged grass.838195defd9c6a60

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My mother, who was ashamed of living in the Caravan Park rather than enjoying a vacation, was in a frenzy, putting up and taking down curtains to somehow make the space, which was already bustling even if only one person moved busily, look wider. But, contrary to my mother’s concerns, he didn’t seem too surprised that people could live in a cramped cabin.cc83a6e332079ea4

My mother emptied about three bottles of expensive Bordeaux wine, and I was also quite drunk from the alcohol the man offered. I was ashamed of my mother’s appearance as she drank to the point of not being able to control her body. Before her drinking got worse, I forcibly took her, who was saying she didn’t want to, to the bedroom and laid her down, and then I supported the man, whose face was also flushed with drunkenness, to take him to his car.d0fe7a4a35cb20b6

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I thought the man’s action of putting his lips to my earlobe and sucking it slightly was a mistake. I thought he might be playing a prank because he knew my tendencies. It was because my mother had been talking loosely about me at the narrow dinner table, where it was difficult for even three people to sit, holding a half-torn rib in one hand and stirring it constantly.b52176633318ad33