UBC Ch29

The mountain path smelled of fresh, late-summer greenery. The man, having turned the car around and returned home, was expressing his emotions through silent treatment. There must have been a misunderstanding. The pizza, bought with hard-earned money and expensive gas, was left neglected. Above the late-summer dining table, only flies buzzed around. I curtly said I had errands to run and left the man’s house early. The emotions that were spoiling the relationship between the man and me, like the monsoon season weather, were disconcerting.058c27de283f4271

The man sighed as he watched me leave without a word, then, as if giving up, didn’t try to stop me. This wasn’t the ending I had hoped for. A day that fell short of expectations weighed heavily on my heart.9266c40df0bcca02

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I walked weakly, opened 9eaa3340ea the gate, and entered 0b08d4edda the house, only to 4fc5e9494d find even Aunt had dc8cf34a74 left. Tomorrow, I would have e68fe759ea to clean up the 1ca4d2e235 mess I had made. I would become 4af47f3625 a dove of 3bb6a2ed08 peace and create 6fad2d5a98 a scene of da3126869b reconciliation.fcf4cdede263a03e

I was exhausted. My frequently misfiring heart was the cause of constant mistakes. Saying things I didn’t need to say, making expressions I shouldn’t have, I amplified the man’s misunderstanding.7133896acec3e7cf

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I was about 5dd5a64271 to stretch out ef91ab92d2 on the living ee105cf0af room floor when 60adf03912 the sunscreen on 30184e36c2 my face started 437772a9d4 to itch. Should I e9d3adb5fc wash my 157596fa23 face with 3c35315fdb cool water 2b1bf5a8c0 and take f4b6434939 a nap? It seemed like 5f754c0e1f a good plan, 3226aad02f so I dragged 286a251604 my heavy body 5681bd6564 into the bathroom.67897a90d00002cc

“Ah!”e2aabb3fbfe6ce34

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I screamed and 6a2684aa8f flew to the db1ce0c6fc mirror. Anyone who heard me b7d4c79653 would have thought I 848a627aef had slipped and fallen. I left handprints 9764e65b66 on the bathroom a5d0e97b43 mirror, blinking my 5bcba89076 eyes frantically in 58dbf79640 disbelief.8f3019dc72a70892

“I went around like this? I got angry looking like this?”7a31fdd9916ed429

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Mom’s lipstick was the color of soybean paste. Of all the colors to choose! Moreover, the sunscreen, mixed with heat and sweat, emphasized the color of my lips. It was like putting soybean paste on top of white fishcake.5376ec7b5ec7a711

“So that’s why he was looking at me like that….”0a4b449c06bc00a2

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Perhaps because it 9d552b9a5e was our first 8edfad2e90 date in the 83ef03c25e city, I felt bce529b9c0 ticklish because the 267ba083e2 man kept glancing 4a3f068278 at me while 799ccd2ada driving. The man must have 40fd26cd82 been dumbfounded. He looked 29508d89fe at me abf5bc40b9 because my f79b9aeb94 face was 4bbf464ebd different than 71d19682e2 usual, but e4dd8975a2 I, alone, ccc93f8605 became self-conscious 843beb92e5 and giddy 67789eb449 like a 55adefb87d teenage girl.6995d4e4e5f85561

Now I was starting to get really annoyed. Embarrassment, shame, and anger were all mixed together. Have you ever washed your face with an exfoliating mitt? I scrubbed my face until it was red. Especially my lips, I rubbed them as if I wouldn’t mind if they fell off.549e8332a9a376c6

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After washing up 22e56e2c4b and punching the 829eac14de air, I finally 141d60b125 came to my 77a35f9557 senses. What had a351908b79 I done? My heart c68c6480c0 was pounding, b5dc0caded making a ba1e3d7025 drumbeat that 9cc8090887 could be c01b476bfd heard from 70e63bfbba 100 meters 00b8c4abdc away.2d511a39e4905e3e

He probably never b211a45a39 wanted to see 94f92d9605 me again.e5139678d94fa6d6

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He went a845559c02 to the ac8b3bfda4 trouble of f4300d68df driving all d01fc45363 the way 89e6acaf68 to the 5043c6b827 city to 2cf1de7643 buy pizza, 2f3305e60d but a eeed248068 fishcake with f42aa048dd soybean paste ef5e6eacf0 sat there 30f3cc0546 without saying 313d90d960 a word. The way he 158d64a719 coldly glared at 67e3eb8ebe me as he c0ede8098d saw me off 1c4f61aa47 seemed to signal ce8f4087da the end.91c57a23b83c975d

Sweat trickled down my neck. After combing my wet hair, I took out my sneakers again. I didn’t want to leave that sloppy ending and fishcake-like appearance imprinted on the man’s mind.67f9b7bb53b93682

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Until now, hadn’t we been helping each other and building a good image? I didn’t want to lose the relationship I had built up over time because of trivial emotions. They say there’s no cure for a good-kid complex. I left the house and entered the alley with the plain blue gate.b83f02fcf20484da

Standing in front of the man’s quiet gate, as if he wasn’t home, I prepared my apology. I was too sensitive because it was too hot earlier. No, the weather was gradually moving away from the heat. The cicadas seemed to be mocking me, asking if that was all I had.ac941785d45a86ea

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Then how about this? I was feeling anxious because school was starting soon. That’s great. And then, by talking about school, I could let him know that the number of meetings might decrease. I would draw a line between my heart and his smile. I would clearly state that our relationship can’t be more than friends.e03a92a0ed28e3b0

The man was comfortable and nice. But that’s only when he knew that I was a good person, and when I was sure that our relationship wouldn’t develop any further. I should refrain from situations like today, where my heart would beat as if it has a disease, or where I upset the man with a single word.1fc57ddf7e2e4176

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Okay. After calculating everything I had to say and the expression I had to make, I pushed the door with my fingertips. The creaking sound of the door opening mixed with the cicadas’ chorus, creating an eerie atmosphere.78620ebc576b5018

Trembling, I 1a2d68e4c4 opened the 593f13ca39 door and 23760d7231 entered, only e22c775fbf to be c8e415457d struck dumb 30a149d818 by a cb442dc7cd scene that 266f0f5ac4 was completely 874440811c different from c791d3c409 what I b7ed42a697 had imagined. The inside and outside 03f5af8011 of the door were 4a1d625fdc different worlds. The alley was 62951e8bd0 dark, and the eb8167e315 song of the 999b75a110 cicadas, nearing their e1cc60a9b6 death, was close fdb66354cc to noise. But the 6724b82729 man, asleep 0dc07cc43e on the 642704d672 wooden floor, 9d6f582289 was refreshing 81f2373c85 and clean, f6d3b26a6e and the 4977f37323 sunlight falling 7978d32da5 on the 3d7ca3ab53 roof was 396b4ace28 playing silence.547d45bdaf0453d5

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The fan was playing with the man’s hair as he lay napping with his head turned towards the gate. Without even realizing it, my gaze traveled up the man’s long legs and stopped at his closed eyelids.89214c6bab21af17

Like a butterfly drawn to something sweet, I didn’t know when I had flown there. When I came to my senses, I was shading the man from the sunlight. I became greedy. A little greedy. I hoped that I would be the first thing reflected in the man’s brown eyes.e76640aa777196fe

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Slowly squatting down, I found a position where I could admire the man’s face. I placed my arms on the wooden floor and stretched my upper body forward. The man, breathing right in front of me, looked more like a student similar to me than a twenty-year-old youth. His breath smelled sweet. It was the smell of soap.e844ed5e0e279ed5

I swallowed slowly, like a thirsty person. Why did his face, with its faint scars, look so beautiful? It must be because of the sunlight and the breeze that was floating in the yard. I was going to watch his sleeping face for a little longer before leaving. But the problem always arises at the moment when you shout, “Just a little longer, just a little more.”cf8a82a81f5c5d74

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“Uh.”3948ea382dc91750

The man, sensing my presence, opened his eyes. The small desire of a high school student with no dating experience was fulfilled: I was the first person to be captured in his softly opened eyes. The fan breeze, carrying the man’s scent, entered my parted lips. It felt like I was going to run out of breath just from that.33a78caa68730aca

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The distance between the man, who had just woken up, and me was very close. The man’s gaze, as he was falling asleep, was hazy. It wasn’t even clear if he was awake. Just as the man’s eyes, which had been blankly looking at me, were becoming clear, I decided to get up. It was better that my heart was beating out of control. It was several times more dangerous to focus on the man in front of me and not even realize that my heart had stopped. I was about to get up, supporting myself on the wooden floor with my slightly trembling arms. A hand, which had approached without me realizing it, grabbed my wrist. As I was being pulled, saying, “Uh, uh,” the man closed his eyes again.785bf7384b6c42e3

I fell awkwardly, and my cheeks instantly became hot. The man’s chest and my chest overlapped. Hot, jelly-like lips brushed against my hair. When I tried to pull my head back to escape, the man’s hand grabbed my shoulder and pressed down.12d3b410d02a4cec

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A peck, the 4c03d6ef6d sweat on my 0a4867d359 kidnapped finger turned 29108c2698 pink. A peck, the man 8899a9ab43 poured affection as he d2a455c218 brought his lips to 923ca65622 my fingertip once more. While the 2ad5ec3beb finger that 902ca99e69 received the 261c3bc470 kiss was 38bde2fb5f turning red, 64d3546afb I lost 1d40c81493 my mind 1184699e57 several times. A peck, the 90bbe2e94d final kiss was 2221b0814d lighter than the 5cb783b5a5 previous ones.a2e4fbc5a2b0ab60

A peck, no. It wasn’t the end. He rubbed his lips against my fingertip once more. It was a farewell greeting. With a short, sharp scream, I pushed the man away and fell off the wooden floor. Thump, thump, my legs gave way, and I fell awkwardly onto the water basin. In contrast, the man remained in the same position he had been lying in, without using his hands. A faint smile appeared on the man’s lips as he looked at the end of my wet pants.5eb8a9d2e608142d

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“Come up here.”dd7726467e4db51b

And then he 50632e0f54 spread his arms 73e569adbd wide, as if 167bc9c87d asking for another f7dc1b38ae hug. I instinctively 2df9231776 shook my 69f7abb6d5 head.90fbc93942a36228

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“No, I don’t want to.”b5897c3c2c0a997c

“Sit here.”06da6513d57e00db

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The man’s actions of tapping the wooden floor made my spine tingle. As I just stared blankly, the man got up. The man, who was looking down at my wet pants without moving, didn’t seem to be amused or teasing. The reason my body, sitting on top of the overturned water basin, froze was because the man’s smile was that of someone who knew everything.0fd24256e41e5fea

“When can I call you?”c2606c7555180cfe

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“What?”443288fd7fb1a5e6

“You don’t want your Mom and Aunt to find out that you’re hanging out with me, right?”af0c41362fa37e06

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The man smiled again f7ba9f970b and again as he 9d06019714 looked at me, who fe1b6e71e8 was blank and unable 1690767ae3 to understand. He slowly reached out 267706b1d6 and grabbed my fallen 6cecd2f4b0 arm, pulling me up. The panic I felt b74988347b at the sudden difference 2d96d1520a in strength traveled over 7d0bfd6603 mountains, crossed the sea, 13d25442fd and finally reached the a10c8310f6 land of ignorance.79308deedf5dae13

“It’s not anything like that, so you can call me anytime, and you can come over too.”5b013dae33dc329b

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“…Yes.”b9ab5be2e5db601a

The answer that came out of my frozen mind must have been read as a sign of affirmation by the man. The man’s surprise hug and fingertip kiss erased the lines I had prepared. My heart fluttered as I looked at the man, whose eyes were shining clearly as if he had just woken up.20f6b3257d59b76f

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There were still 45edbf2f71 no words to be4ae949a4 describe us, and 497082f5df there was no 2759530a89 sticky end that 8b555f7413 would make us 242f5b0c4f lovers.6a94271550369be5

It was no longer a relationship that could be accepted as “friends” in the broad sense.45fb7026d8da1cac

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