EOL | Chapter 2.3

Maybe I should have run when our eyes met. Seeing him walk towards me, I froze.

Was he really waiting for me all this time?

How should I react to seem calm?

My mind was filled with error messages like an overloaded computer. The countless deaths I experienced during regression flashed before my eyes.

The place where Lee Gyeon and I stood was no longer the gray entrance of the Guide Center. It was a battlefield. A hell filled with blood and monsters.

“Did the matching test go well?”

“Matching test…”

I stupidly repeated his words, then snapped back to reality. I stepped aside awkwardly and forced a smile.

“I’m a bit busy right now.”

It was the best excuse I could think of, but it didn’t work on him.

“I heard you didn’t participate in the morning training.”

“I need to eat lunch.”

“It’s 10 AM.”

“Brunch…”

“Guide Han Haegyeol.”

Standing awkwardly, I met his gaze. It was better to make eye contact. Looking at him gave me a sense of stability, like a trained dog.

The reason I could regress so many times was because he saved me that many times.

Lee Gyeon is the kind of guy who gives you the disease and the cure. Of course, I was the fool wagging my tail even if he gave me the disease.

“Are you thinking of becoming another esper’s guide?”

He seemed to know I had come here for the matching test. Maybe that’s why he was at the Guide Center since morning.

“Whether I become another esper’s dedicated guide or stay in the backup team, that’s my choice.”

I put strength into my voice to avoid showing I was intimidated.

“Besides, the compatibility with you isn’t good…”

“Not good compatibility?”

“I mean, the rank…”

“Why worry about rank? Who cares? If I’m okay with it, why?”

“I’m not okay with it.”

He seemed eager to match with me. It was hard to understand, yet I wondered, “What if?”

Was there a reason I had to be his dedicated guide?

In countless regressions, I was just a D-rank. A D-rank becoming an S-rank esper’s pair was either a miracle or intentional.

Maybe he had a special reason. A reason he had to hold onto even my insignificant hand.

“Why, why do you want this? Is there a reason I have to match with you?”

If I wanted to act uninterested, I shouldn’t have asked that. But I couldn’t take back what I said.

He checked his device nervously and leaned towards me. He couldn’t easily speak.

Is it a secret? Yeah, I know. He’s not the kind of person who would kindly explain something important to someone like me.

“If you came to find me like this, it must be important, but I don’t want to. Being your dedicated guide. S-rank gates are too much for me. It might sound stupid, but I’m scared of being dispatched to high-rank gates…”

Even now, if I close my eyes, I see dying comrades and you covered in blood. You don’t know how hard I’m breathing to feel that I’m grounded in reality.

I looked up and met his eyes. His gaze was calm and settled.

“Do you know? That’s why you should be my guide.”

His device rang loudly. It was a mission call.

“You should go.”

I spoke curtly and started walking. He matched my pace and followed.

“You haven’t accepted any dedicated guide offers yet, right?”

“I’ll decide that myself.”

“You say S-rank is burdensome, but isn’t A-rank Cha Eunha?”

I stopped abruptly.

He knew. He knew I had done a matching test with Cha Eunha.

“How did you know?”

“The A-rank esper’s matching was too sudden. It came up as a meeting agenda at dawn, even if I didn’t want to know.”

“You could just ignore it.”

“Guide Han Haegyeol.”

He called me to a stop. Ignoring him was difficult after being under his influence for so long. Unconsciously, I stopped and looked up at him. He had a gentle expression, as if handling a child.

“A-rank gates are as dangerous as S-rank gates. It’s best not to pair with Cha Eunha. Or any other esper.”

“Why bother…”

Why bother saying this? We were nothing to each other.

To be precise, I was nothing to him. He probably doesn’t even remember saving me when I was young.

One of the hundreds or thousands he saved. A speck of dust he didn’t need to notice.

“Do you want me to be your pair guide?”

“Yes. Right now, even.”

“Ha.”

Nonsense. He’ll refuse guiding anyway.

I wasn’t someone who suddenly gave up on guiding him in this life. I gradually let go.

“Guiding was fine.”

It was a lie. I hadn’t guided Cha Eunha today. We just did a basic check of each other’s states.

Saying guiding was fine was just out of spite.

“I felt like I matched well with Cha Eunha. He was satisfied with my guiding. He even said we seemed meant for each other.”

Of course, I think that’s nonsense. But once I started, I couldn’t stop.

“There were no difficulties during guiding. The wave circulation was smooth. Unlike with you, my matching rate with him exceeded 92%.”

“…”

“I thought working as a pair wouldn’t be bad. It seemed like it would be good. Going on missions with Cha Eunha…”

He looked at me with a cold gaze, unlike before. It was the face he made when refusing my guiding.

“Keep talking.”

“Going on missions, I thought it might be good, or maybe not…”

A chill ran through my body.

“You only held hands, right?”

He lifted the corners of his mouth as if smiling, but I could see it was twisted.

“Did Cha Eunha ask for more than that?”

“No, no, it wasn’t like that.”

Intimidated by his fierce demeanor, I mumbled.

“Even holding hands can be different. If your hands sweat, it feels like mucous guiding, or, well, what I mean is…”

He sighed shortly and leaned forward to meet my eyes. His face was backlit. It was a bit scary.

“You seem to be mistaken, Guide Han Haegyeol. I’m giving you a chance. You only have two choices. Become my dedicated guide willingly, or be forced to.”

“Isn’t that just one choice? Don’t be ridiculous.”

“I’m actually someone who can be ridiculous.”

His unique arrogance as an S-rank esper, adored by everyone, was evident. I opened my lips but no words came out.

I thought I shouldn’t be swayed, yet part of me wanted to hold on.

Do you need me?

Do you really need me this time?

Is it really true this time?

Get a grip, Han Haegyeol. It’s been 88 times. You’ve been abandoned 88 times and revived for the 89th. If a game doesn’t work after this much effort, it’s time to quit.

I’ve done enough. I shouldn’t hope anymore.

“I said I don’t want to. I didn’t want to before, and now I want it even less. I don’t want to be a dedicated guide, whether the esper is S-rank or A-rank.”

Strangely, he seemed relieved by my words and smiled slightly. I couldn’t understand what part of my blunt answer pleased him.

“That’s a good thought. I’ll give you a third option. Stay as backup without guiding anyone. If you keep this condition, I’ll give you the same rewards as being my dedicated guide. Salary, benefits, whatever.”

“What kind of nonsense is that…”

His device rang loudly again. While he was distracted by it, I observed him closely. It wasn’t my imagination.

Every time he frowned, the area around him distorted like computer pixels and returned. It meant he was on the verge of losing control.

He needed guiding. My hand instinctively reached out but I held it back.

Tsk, he clicked his tongue and put away his device.

“I have to go, but remember. There’s no option to become someone else’s guide.”

He spoke in a calm tone, but I read the hidden agitation in his expression.

“Esper Lee Gyeon, guiding…”

How long has it been since he received guiding? If he’s in this state, he must have held out for quite a while.

The man before me was a peculiar one who refused guiding from other guides. Going back now would be dangerous.

“You should receive guiding today.”

He frowned and looked at me.

“I’ll handle my affairs. Guide Han Haegyeol, focus on the choices before you. I trust you’ll make a wise decision.”

“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.”

I bowed to him as if saying a final goodbye.

“Take care.”

He looked at me disapprovingly, then disappeared, chased by his noisy device.

❖ ❖ ❖

A week after the matching test, my device kept ringing annoyingly. The calls were from the Esper Center, persistently requesting me to guide Lee Gyeon due to our high matching rate.

I pressed the ‘reject’ button and ignored them all. Even when asked to back up missions involving him, I refused.

Each time, penalty points accumulated. It was the price for a mere D-rank daring to refuse the nation’s call. Accumulating penalties could lead to salary cuts, demotion, or even imprisonment.

Still, I stubbornly pressed the reject button.

I knew they weren’t calling because they genuinely needed guiding.

Knowing that, I felt no guilt. Even if I went, they’d just stand me beside him like a decoration and refuse the actual guiding. It was obvious.

“What’s wrong with a guide doing guiding!”

Every time I shouted that, he answered with his expression. His characteristic, discontented look was tiresome. Just imagining it made my stomach churn and my pride get scratched.

Most of all, I hated how thinking of him made my heart race and ache.

He wasn’t always cold to me. Each time I refused him, small memories surfaced under the name of guilt.

The water bottle he handed me, the hand that stopped me from stepping on a trap, the rare jokes he made…

I had too many memories I remembered alone.

“You’re lucky you don’t remember any of this.”

The regrets and self-pity were all mine.

Meanwhile, there was a new distraction.

[What are you doing?]

[What are you doing, doing?]

[Did you eat?]

[A stray cat appeared at the main building ㄷㄷ]

[(photo)]

[Looks like Guide Han Haegyeol]

[Do you hate being told you look like a cat? No reply]

[But you do look like a cat]

[You think so too, right? That’s why no reply]

As if dealing with Lee Gyeon wasn’t complicated enough, Cha Eunha kept sending messages.

What a jobless guy…

Even while thinking that, I found myself checking the message window. Reading his messages made me feel like a normal 23-year-old again. Not that I sent any replies thanking him for the messages.

Without intending to reply, I read and reread Cha Eunha’s messages.

If I hadn’t known Lee Gyeon, could I have sent innocent replies to these messages? I wondered.

❖ ❖ ❖

“Shooting practice again today?”

In the locker room, Dohun sunbae, an A-rank guide, spoke to me. He was someone who had always reached out to me from when I first became a guide until I died. A veteran and leader of the backup guides, active since middle school. My reliable support.

I nodded in greeting, lowering the hand holding my device. Sunbae was in a martial arts uniform, probably from judo training. His sweat-drenched chest glistened between the open collar.

“You’re doing a lot of shooting lately? You’re good at it. Is endless practice the secret?”

“Uh, yeah, sort of.”

“Or is there someone you want to blow their head off?”

“Not really. It’s just that focusing on the target clears my mind.”

Sunbae changed into a dull uniform, moving slower than usual.

“Haegyeol.”

He seemed to be hesitating. He had something to say.

“There’s a weird rumor going around. That you refused to be Lee Gyeon’s dedicated guide.”

“….”