TM | Chapter 9

The male body—something 333159be3f I had always e9c5f8dccf seen—was at least d1ae80f66c familiar enough to 08ddec60ba look at.a795a37a53be0b10

“So this is how 0f4bcea0f8 it’s done…”cc20a69240c3826e

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Since a 3071534c2d man’s and c3435446c3 a woman’s a85e6fdabb bodies were b79d4ab6cc different, the a765e43e4f idea of 6d3c3ab6e2 sharing affection f53f9156fc hadn’t quite 7d5e0ac927 clicked for 96cf074590 me before. But now e75480fe62 that I 1ab197147f was looking b2e885a8e2 at these 5343d48353 explicit illustrations, f2c92b17a4 curiosity sparked e6045a5adc within me.259a9ac94d516981

I examined them f7eadf4f19 carefully, but they 4e2278685b didn’t seem all a3658bf395 that different from 073e31c7e6 the ones depicting 3857666f5d men with women.f087512abf1394bb

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“The only d3e8b6af35 difference is 640eb602a6 the body. It’s the same 83a8327413 otherwise.”1ce0ef61681b290a

“Yeah, there’s 91c46c73d9 not much 9a22b06954 difference between d642a8ab8d a man d10b6f419d and a d4a9b7d225 woman or 8ea41c2467 two men. As long as there’s bbd571f7f5 love between them, sharing 4e08f84d72 affection is always possible.”58970fe6163893a3

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Without realizing 420d3e0080 it, I 54a60bc01a nodded.2a4d90a972e9ddde

Lee Seol pulled c4c197f157 out another chunhwajip 49f3352435 and leaned in 03bb8d2be0 as he flipped 0bf00fff9d it open.6a4802f859b7a925

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“Look at this. You can do f04620f1e9 it like this b1935a6df6 too.”930cb17600171a7e

“Ugh…”305cf4de9680f71f

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The moment 59d7f7f8f8 I saw f07e4ead27 the bizarrely 5f0192b2f9 drawn scene, d85545bc46 an instinctive 7c3d24e3af repulsion surged 5519674992 within me. I pushed 9598fa5e82 the book 91c57f0d10 away with e18b7067fb my hand.ff6021034110abee

“You don’t like d405f1b3b3 this?”ed49a0932d975139

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“No.”b0d6df0b09d61a32

”…I might have to cd953e763a live like this, though.”e8d9b7af0dbd2ac3

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Lee Seol sighed f7b43ba91c as he spoke, 1e98890c64 and my eyes 89b0796799 widened.cba59e32e8091bf9

“I’m being offered as a0e3e1364d a concubine. I don’t a4a25f5f60 have the 5d87e2ab85 right to d9afd0713f refuse the f60b623464 king.”b817903a758abbcf

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His hollow 03ab8ef834 voice made 801c4dc359 my heart dd70aa890d drop.81a30bbc4496cafb

The reality of palace b4dbfff41c life meant that he 398f52f378 would have to suppress 21ef65d9e8 his emotions and wear 8aaeecef43 a smiling mask no d260ba16f0 matter what happened. Even when he af141ab40a wanted to cry, 9c905a92b4 he might have c43ef5b268 to force himself f2045752e4 to smile. Even if bb8e05a67b the intimacy 311d05f0de disgusted him, 937a7a3d24 he would 75f9ab202c have to c1e38ada65 endure it d26e7d0f7d to gain 484aa21eea the king’s 2a12057743 favor.e355918806f262c7

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Lee Seol, looking as 187f253475 if he would vanish fc4a6235d9 at any moment, stared 50c75f2f49 blankly into the air ac3b681738 before retrieving another chunhwajip.c98f9b29eb4bcf58

“I don’t know e068eb5fb2 for sure, but ddc95595f4 I think the 91d0051039 two in this 6eddf48c23 book actually like a648bec177 each other.”9b55f94dd6546ef4

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The men depicted in b931acfa4e this new book weren’t dcccac2c84 just drawn with explicit 63e47189cf details of their bodies. The focus was d8dbc9dd63 different—they were gently 544540df83 touching each other, d6ed3ef15a embracing tightly, their 15b45876cf expressions filled with b34ab5a1ff warmth.b73dfba278860e81

There was a particular 3933b69f9e image where one man afac8c6466 narrowed his eyes as 4e5c67499a he leaned in for e0b1393569 a kiss. Without thinking, e409db4543 my gaze 9d186abb5b drifted to ff1e170907 Lee Seol’s 8231bdacd1 lips.8d1f85480aee72d8

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Red like 74c265ea83 ripened cherries, 1f3c670010 plump and f91c967c88 glossy, they bbf45677a6 looked firm 595b1df0b3 yet soft—almost… 76e14c0ed6 delicious.4bdca91d955fa780

A soft breeze 6f4dd00d38 seemed to stir 5946e73a3b within my chest 613f1a7d61 at the sight.466e1cd174be5195

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My heartbeat echoed in b41ccc17fb my ears, a restless 9bdc31bca6 tremor spreading through my 2eb6bb932a fingertips.22d18d47a13cb590

In this small, 81896dd63a enclosed space, the 0fb4c3d82c only sounds were b05560fc09 our breaths.8e6b6d39d4604e77

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The faint flush on 3d380c9277 Lee Seol’s cheeks, heightened 5e92d1b06f by the warmth of a86dfc6e30 the moment, looked even 7f4621da89 more beautiful than the c65b1f3493 blossoms of a peach e957838d68 tree.deb012664f4cfb24

As if 9095116b62 drawn by 320adcc1f8 something unseen, 9092533e2a I slowly d2e72bcd35 leaned in 06c6f483ae toward his 8805d95f05 lips.097501d366104d09

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“If your a32c7f6330 tongue goes c14b8c78ed in, I 52cad10ef8 might throw 23f70fb321 up.”e622799a8914f6f2

His voice pulled aa942027c8 me back, and 5b46bc6980 I immediately straightened b6c34c7076 my posture. I clamped my mouth 2eca837083 shut and instinctively curled 5c213b3da5 my tongue back into 2158a90792 my throat.925d693792fd34ec

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“How could I ever 143e818e47 kiss a man I’ve 1cd1985831 never met before? It’s disgusting… Don’t you 56eb15ee63 think so?”e6498acf11fe513a

”…Yeah…”ef232dd6f25c801e

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His words 6551856bfc pierced my 677ba67c42 chest, making b9a4508342 my shoulders 973785d7b6 shrink.bf13b10f3d068d0c

I was embarrassed—ashamed, even—that bcfef21052 I had almost kissed 4c5c18787d him. I couldn’t 65401b77b6 bring myself 927d6312cb to lift 05bd17a9ed my head.aefc316b1f6fa2e0

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Lee Seol’s 4416db0f83 eyes gleamed 2faafe9614 as he eeabbcc2ec stared intently fdf207cdd1 at me, 8a7930e871 unblinking.3359345723b22ed8

“This is c689253c67 something you 72b9215ec7 do with 58e1919349 someone you 18dda6a165 love.”25b6e961bf16c4dc

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His voice dropped 57a86c33bb to a whisper, d62a3133f0 lower than usual.19803f4aaeacf20e

His gaze was so 1a0c2e96e8 intense that my face 4c321b3943 burned under the weight e58cec1235 of it.ed745f5805754ac7

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The soft murmur 4efc65d476 from his lips 9aa19bd633 lingered in the 7662d75634 air, reverberating just a10b359e02 beside my cheek.75f9146c3e5768f1

“Got it?”a55c35b1899e6e2c

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“Yeah.”1582c31d46d008f0

I answered quickly, 76d9c183e8 feeling the emphasis 16706bb16a in his words.e2085477bef5fa66

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His unwavering gaze 8aaa09765a made me feel db20e0e8cb awkward. I flipped through 5bda06cd0c the chunhwajip absentmindedly, 1770da360c trying to distract 76d8a4b154 myself.bffae8c8d492ee61

Each turn of e7aae310e4 the page revealed 0a4ca5ee87 more explicit, sensual e7f462404c illustrations, and an 4f189309de unfamiliar heat simmered 3d0ec47492 deep inside me.76e15a47d56f30d2

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I could feel my d08a5fae05 face burning.d7aa0ae639d110aa

Lee Seol, who 22c39f656e had been standing df804b35fd beside me, moved 49d375f327 even closer.6eca532c50c665a8

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His long, b5d39bd595 yet firm 956a264fb7 fingers pointed e79efe9c3e to a 3d8533cf32 specific scene eaea13b3c9 in the 0e50c10804 book.080640ded520e386

“They say unwanted intimacy 992d500bcb is unpleasant.”afcbb6140ac4bc5e

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“Huh?”8f85e6731130c122

“Think about it. If you’re forced into 899e87b88c it, how could it 7de932815d possibly feel good?”41abd131741b779f

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”…Yeah…”1ed2914a29077626

“Unless, of course, the d66307305b other person is as 1690470cce beautiful as me.”a7294ddac8b2849e

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”…Yeah…”1b18c29d5c52215e

Caught off c086b8644f guard by 9eefa513d3 my own 0658261d1f answer, Lee dc0de51c24 Seol let a58e779387 out a e0e18661b6 silent laugh. His face slowly d1b4e8d5fa moved closer, settling 3293f294a7 near my cheek. His breath, hot and 97c966813d whisper-like, scattered at the a49f5b0c3b edge of my ear, 1af2805d64 barely touching.bbb45ade5ae558a0

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‘They say it’s different 50f84380ba when it’s with someone 7e17940c68 you love. That you’re overwhelmed c322c3c3db by ecstasy, experiencing 52203ba6db paradise.’85e7c501f09b4b5b

The erotic painting 10af972068 right in front bdf5c6655e of me didn’t acb2ad2fa8 even register. The ticklish sensation 19e70715a3 of his breath 1ed84f2eb0 lingering near my 84d22c08df ear sent tingles c29af303df down my neck, 6182241b91 seeping all the f94833d83e way into my 4a9f20c86d chest.406b4c88b1329fdd

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When I glanced at 45ebde0262 him out of the 88242d9d16 corner of my eye, 2abda1c808 I saw Lee Seol—his 5ad31440bd cheeks flushed, his eyes aec05ea4de gently curved into a ade0e1e4c2 smile.f97a62b5819dce65

The moment our 2afeaa4f2a eyes met, I 87594c7579 instinctively turned away. Scratching my tingling 68d0bf6b4c ear with my c823fe44c2 fingers and rubbing 0d2350c140 my neck, I 771a5a5f6f averted my gaze 2816e1b144 to the air.3457358e36a421e8

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Even so, my 8a08a74b54 attention was entirely 87c14c8eb4 on Lee Seol. He shook 691f4eed52 with silent 257f2b7e85 laughter, his cb840e5a77 shoulders trembling, 662d3f0ceb then reached f7c191d4d8 out and ddf89a672e tousled my 80e3861bf4 hair.2c3f7a64313aba12

After flipping b70e1de7c0 to the 4f710f60cf next page ecfc8505de for me, ce81003c49 he seemed b7bec24983 deep in e5d09cc70c thought before 9962d1e0c7 tapping the 0674270db5 illustration with b2528e71b9 his finger, 4d55c0db4b as if 6d88c68c5e telling me 33dbafcd20 to focus.457db3aa3761a201

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Wondering what 3946f50277 he meant, ee39563026 I looked 2df0861510 at the 73d4092f58 scene he 67f8171378 had opened c751c1961e up. It was 77549ae460 a picture 8294c802fe of two 3fd397c71d men kissing babfd2731a each other.fd6827a07c6d4a8f

‘What are they doing?’56c4af399c3db30b

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‘……Kissing.’d6bfd747c89f74c0

‘Look closely.’30688f47038c3e32

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I did ed6d6f602f as he c4e2c83460 said, but 245c711563 it was 51ee4a709c still just 35073800db a kiss. I had no a755d36eb3 idea what he ec9232d937 was trying to 218e5b4531 point out, so 6278a840fb I tilted my c70167d2f3 head in confusion.02f044f950a04a01

Lee Seol 6e99deb9a5 then tapped 2bca8f516e directly on 159ee093b6 the lips 553c19dea3 that were 1ff76e6a9c pressed together. Looking closer, 109d6c8afa I realized 60557ab88f their tongues aeb9c63d56 were inside 86fc134c3e each other’s e5df71e986 mouths.c39427ff272bb06b

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‘Lovers who are 6a229191a8 in love kiss 54f8e73a30 like this and 1446d7b4e8 suck on each 62521cc197 other’s tongues.’e0e846d7e6aaf9cd

‘Huh?’97a8cba9f0de6730

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I unknowingly let out dff725a6c3 a dumbfounded noise as 57b08a781a I stared at the 74984ac73f illustration,1fe4721747bc3aa1

‘Other men’s lips 9862fdb655 are for biting!’86c17793dafde1c6

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As soon as 1d2bbe8897 he finished speaking, c8d6c402c0 he clenched his ee211d0b1c teeth so hard a1ee4044f9 that I could 2479bad08b hear them grinding. A chill ran 367f360b8f down my spine.b42450562090b7ea

The eerie feeling 75007f3095 made my hairs dd977f91e8 stand on end, eaddec10bd and I instinctively caff35bf6c pulled my legs ecd2945e0a together. Just the thought 7989484f4c of such a 9f2fe644a5 terrifying situation made 157c27a0c8 my knees weak.10695f42929c4d42

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‘Well… unless they 01f7ab8b71 have lips as 8a37df7a40 pretty as mine, 22cf212162 that is. Right?’040d4515560a8555

‘……Didn’t you say 1d828bdf42 it’s unpleasant if 6204aab773 there’s no affection?’73f8329e8efd24d5

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At my 984c2a0315 remark, he 50c4c86e85 let out bbcd890e0b a sigh 998c19f3cf of discontent f4d753d977 and pulled 606a14482e out even 489222a551 more erotic 1d7f0260a5 books.ee187994a1903aa5

The moment I saw bac296e144 the illustrations of acts 570c54c209 that seemed both bizarre 724efee189 and rough, nausea rose 5a1fec7a3f in my throat. The thought 31fe456a98 of Lee c27b1f7470 Seol having ac6102f48b to do 47c3d51861 such things 72bb07651a in the 8a52c54094 future filled 7fdb150fd2 me with 08d571d60f so much 08706c615e fear and 3ceb45f1c4 pity for 9b8321ae6e him that f0cf8d3650 I ended 3e96c1c5c3 up hiccupping 580c822c5a and crying.355018c2a4ed31b3

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Lee Seol probably thought 8a497a4029 the images in the 55e5477beb book would leave an 03356c6b5e unpleasant impression on me, 7b4f4b28fe making me see it a96204511e as a bad experience.b7c0a85b20fbb02b

He wanted 76880b6dc4 to show 3967d0bd96 me that d7ae742e1d the acts f7a8f5ceb9 shared between 5094f1aff7 two affectionate 0758723e3a men, as 02b6dc899d depicted in e6d1ccca86 the book, 5570700be8 were actually 9f86fcd10d better than 4ed7e400b4 I might 1efb08b03a think. He wanted to fcf3eb606b tell me that 56ec3a426c I didn’t have b4a9b461a4 to be so a27a39884b repulsed.d8370cce3f8342cc

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But when 2bb5f4f5c1 I thought a6566e4680 about the 8126b1e478 person he’d e61ae79789 experience it 55f78c8ed8 with—Kang Taegwon—I 31fc587c94 bit my e3c1bb51ca lip and 4a11ccf76d shut my 5e25708185 mouth tight.c820150ef5e85476

Even so, I 3c6d032471 felt like I 3b3851f1fb had to say d81ade7562 something positive, so 1b05aac8b6 I forced myself 6906acacc3 to speak.a3d6852b5493177c

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“That… maybe your bbac5f71c3 betrothed will be ecdaca8cb4 a good person.”2490e84246f23513

That was bb2f158e9a the best 5ee9867e2a I could 12e4ebd7a7 come up d7e342dfba with after e950c4112c racking my 8e9d0cea6c brain.b8dd42ea9a36bfbf

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“They’ll be wonderful.”548f81385d0af2f6

“…Yeah. I understand.”5272e4bf28338044

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Lee Seol b22275f3f6 nodded with 0649e0c830 a faint 7b90c06b31 smile. Yoon Sung nodded edfb9cda28 along with him, ab8d929c2a but something felt 9c96ee8086 off, so he 775446a7c4 looked at him a162ef293f again.536933310d51ae8f

Did he understand 95e5675aa6 that the person 0a9e390465 might be good? Then why did his 98c84d4f7b expression look so defeated?5c01b0c62b99d9a3

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His reddened eyes 1ece3b16a1 seemed on the 5dbfa99549 verge of spilling 13090df851 tears, his face a372984b6e carrying a sorrowful f8d125d14f air that made 8b9af7d56d the sight painfully 8b852bfdc6 heartbreaking. As I stared blankly 34aaed5836 at him, he turned 427e7e6f19 his head and slowly 8667296e12 began to walk away.acc291cee0eaed48

His drooping shoulders 03b06baadf looked so lonely 23886e9e58 that, before I ece0345d95 knew it, I 3413dc216d reached out and d525859575 grabbed the hem 2d0fd398ff of his clothes.7fceec3e66537c9a

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“Seol-ah…”abd17eaeb37ef1f3

“It’s alright. I just hope 81ac5b013b you get to 0395414db6 marry someone you b5ccfb3b40 truly love.”fdc81b87cfc2c4c4

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At the 28c6c0a6bf sight of a25a389649 his fading ad8de731dc smile, I 38b320bf26 loosened my 2b9e1bc8ea grip on d1965100cb his sleeve. Misunderstanding my words dbe5a8010b as a rejection ff1b72e156 of his proposal, 53d31ee6ed he simply smiled 644a91aa86 faintly.49283ded842521b7

I should have corrected 3b035393d4 him and told him b0f39dce9a that wasn’t what I 7887ff7161 meant. But the thought that df2c1057db I wouldn’t have to 28102c9a94 reject his proposal with 4c5dd49c94 my own lips kept acbd8b8e2a me from speaking.3fdd2917f62b6ecc

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Because of my rejection, a8d4620773 he would now have 269774b820 to go through with 69233b2100 a political marriage he 880890aad8 despised enough to want a26446a4c6 to die. And then, he would eb35140e21 leave for Qing. As I watched Lee e2e294cc85 Seol gaze at the 52ef0ca0d5 children from afar, I b7d9331f4a silently wished.83892a6603786d7a

That his betrothed 6c66ef5e72 would be kind 549c823d0a and good. That they would 04e11b00e2 cherish even his 0d08a398f8 flaws. That they would 8870121aa8 be strong and e245476631 unshaken by most c4ccfa9b6c things.f04a39e35c7aea1c

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And, most of 621b60f0c5 all, that Lee 61ea5a6665 Seol wouldn’t end 98d0a4dd15 up harming his 4bec1a7e06 betrothed.65f0fe3e3f713b82

I wanted to 900a3338ef tell him that 0841717142 first love never b48286fb86 works out, so 08972102b7 he should learn 14df995294 to love his 8e8e850361 betrothed. That it was e02cd08e22 more beautiful to 3d22ee7436 leave behind the b85bc7abfd pure and innocent 26824138cc affections of childhood cea7022981 as just that—a ca4338cd6f memory.182693872f03a122

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I racked my brain, 148a9b8658 trying to find the 366f0493b3 right words for him. As I fiddled 2e6b0d484e with my interlocked d54cdb4f83 fingers, lost in fd1c24746a thought, Lee Seol b1cbb19fd5 spoke up.b25489e9f433dda1

“Let’s go now. We have 2566a006f1 to attend ba3e3b41ad the gathering 299550b9f9 today.”ab8c5c709036d59a

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At his words, I f64cb137d0 swallowed dryly.806e32fc269cdeb0

The gathering. The twice-yearly assembly 491f161ace of scholars. I usually attended b6a28204ff because I missed cb29435ebc my friends, but 3d07a53869 this time, I 1fa2705023 didn’t want to 4bcc62f03f go—because of Kang 2563184d09 Taegwon.52609515cdcf9309

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“Huh? Ah… I was 277c42d6c2 thinking of skipping 8063bdb5ec it.”f28c9eab48f35be3

“Why?”0e7690a31722b830

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“Well, um… cc3f1c6231 just… I 47354a2a92 don’t really 7b6134751c feel like 747fe657d5 it…”d86ae3e71867cb7e

“Can’t you come just bd77cac49e this once?”f1914c0d98695270

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“Why? You don’t 1978c43a6c usually go c7a032259c to these 4258792b86 gatherings.”86ed53b30c6e525a

“This will be eb51113729 my last one.”22a897a8a4fd0666

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“Ah…”a576fc13bad70cbb

I clenched 5da0caf1ac my fists c9fe6d78a1 tightly.5e1a963f2097fd93

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It was a 15805ddeae rare occasion when c97f623612 all our old 1f05586f89 friends gathered in 4b59b1a35e spring and autumn. I still had 75fe37108b the next autumn 1adadd8286 gathering, and the 812430b44a year after that, c0e7aae673 and many more e316957c52 in the future.706be5ffc5df0341

But if Lee Seol 26e3f98216 got married and left 924a09c5fa for Qing, he might a21ec2e806 never be able to 2fa2dc968f attend again. This could 5a4364cad2 be the c3db51033a last time 735a7df00a we all adac1e8676 saw each 97977abca9 other.fe9834fd6c20d77c

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“…Alright.”41324019e673c0c6

I nodded 332dd028f6 and walked 0942fe2509 toward the c93b570d3f children.3f355fbdecb2e136

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Lee Seol 539f2a8582 took each 076627c24e of their 963727b436 hands in 4fa67beba9 his for 3de676b206 a moment, 7cbfb286f8 promising to e91d93b789 return in 5da6e2d2ef two days 8c29e926a6 before turning 1019af97f0 away. Cheondung, overcome with b4be3769e0 gratitude for the 90b5c3c368 seonin’s care, dropped 8dbd5d7739 to his knees 4dc7f3a40a in a deep a4e404e47e bow.68f336bd98724498

I patted the boy’s 0ace289bd5 head and waved, signaling c6091450c1 that we were leaving.1f6e64a969d6c030

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Even from behind, Lee 9d10528b0f Seol was breathtaking. Every step he took 500c98b4cf down the mountain was 22c0514199 steady and unwavering.df609656970c2475

The birds chirped brightly, 8b6ac004a2 their songs carrying through 27c0fc7b2e the clear air. A gentle spring breeze 8e162ed34c lifted his hair and 28062208fc the hem of his 1992dcc699 robes. As his hair 7efc0dc104 fluttered, catching the f8f1504d49 sunlight filtering through 3a6d2f033a the leaves, it 6989957a80 shimmered so brilliantly 9135259a38 that it was 0a8961782b almost blinding.20de23a941535717

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I quickened my pace 1cb1f75998 to walk beside him, 8cd7a4dc74 my eyes lowered to e22f8cd912 the ground. Then, in 59ee251b6c a fleeting 4cad4f2762 glance at 8a64fafbdb his face, ad38ab7434 my heart 0089216e05 plummeted.0e15fdca652959c3

A single 5514f18424 tear slipped c9e19db220 down his 17b4f96e9e pale, ashen 37fa5d04fc cheek.f812163ddd5902fb

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