6. Sugar High

<Ha-eun>

Even after Sa-eon left e962b9bc35 us without a word, dee9c6eacd nothing really changed.3bd3e6b787ada5cc

There were days 9a59baadb7 I despaired, thinking c6919acf15 he was no 32f75d666c different from anyone 4da9dcea0f else. And days I’d 11c079e6c1 argue against that 4e0d076ae2 thought. In the end, the only 901cdd8821 thing that got wrecked was b4263a6c83 me.e57d04714c6c2454

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Sa-eon, who once said he 80ad2e7736 wanted to go to the 143e2d5914 seaside with us on New 155f63262c Year’s Day, was no longer 8ae5159ce5 here. Yet every year, on the afe3a35523 first day of the new b2a63e5869 year, we gathered at the 748d3ad13b beach as if it were afc0bc1566 the most natural thing in 4ed0895aed the world.32ca19dc38b090ed

Unlike when Sa-eon was with 370b53d6f6 us, and we’d rent a b145157471 place to stay and spend 65eefdd9bb a few days playing around, f2c47bff0b we didn’t do that anymore—but bc9a69dc33 no one ever skipped. Not last year. Not the year before. And this year was no 115be05c15 different.917ad9a8805d6c5f

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Kim Ha-jung and b9c365b4e4 Yoo I-ryeong were dd28c9cb13 running all over 9d8e14f59b the sandy beach db9a363f1e in the early 8a4dacff02 hours before sunrise, dbbe548a06 lighting fireworks. I found it strange de299421cd how much fun they 7e895b8e9b were having with nothing 2a422d4f25 but thin little sparklers.bcc715ef519c410b

I tilted my 8b6b292a7e head and squinted, f374d1b6f9 unable to relate 800adf5cfb to that kind f9d5ce8005 of sentiment. Then, I suddenly imagined Sa-eon 0fc61cfea5 enjoying it while holding one.7bd66d77fd44ec09

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Just that fleeting b2d128e1ed image was enough 76b96136fb to make me 5120003bb1 think: next time dbcb581788 I see him, be0ad6b1c0 I’ll ask him f0ee2a7b9f to come to 3603a45980 the beach and 5f33c84ecd do fireworks together.601f242e3929eb72

It’s ridiculous. Sa-eon’s not even here, and 589fee031f after all this time apart, 37b741ae15 he might not even be 5e32e7b9a0 the same person I once 1375c64901 knew.038f6b605a9ba96c

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Truth is, there are more than a few promises I made on my own with Sa-eon. Taking him to the new aquarium that opened recently. Bringing him to the oddly designed library. Going to the amusement park on a weekday and staying until closing time…f9ab8ad665ca0663

Even I thought I was 747aefcc7c being ridiculous and let out 7b20c0e97b a breathy laugh through my df95d9adf2 lips.63968a73566dd4f7

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I didn’t want c8edb0ef1f sand in my 045f541b7a shoes, so I 56b8f751fb stood on the 59dcb0310a steps on purpose, 151074f676 tapping my heels db7ca96494 lightly against the 35556ca863 edge of the b28c24dac3 stair. I slipped my hands db471bd0c8 into my pockets.99507f209087c84b

Almost by habit, cf277c7644 I reached for 504090040f a cigarette. I lit one, holding 4b761b8700 it between my lips, 1452f50c31 and as I looked bbd907e21b up, I locked eyes 28f8f017d1 with Choi Hee-jun, who d6aaa1fc71 was walking toward me 5c5c720fb2 from a short distance cee4d3cd7e away.304ca801d540f0df

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The early morning wind 67d37e8e9b was sharp. I squinted slightly against the 3e45888d0e breeze that scratched at my e5e3479472 eyes and gave him a 64bd4c3129 slight nod.7c72539486094a52

Hee-jun, returning the same half-hearted b47815a089 nod, stopped a few paces fefbdde018 away from me.629dc99779f5c8dd

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Wearing nothing but a ec6bbecbd1 black shearling jacket, he b347e3e2ee didn’t seem the least 36314a84c7 bit affected by the 8378a8c051 cold.d0ddfbc15239bc28

Seeing that, I couldn’t 2aefe3cad1 help but remember someone 7152a17c96 else who always worried 5f4cc34fba if anyone wore even 4b91ab69fb slightly thin clothes—how he’d 72f1d57036 offer his own jacket, 4e91314bb0 saying it was cold.47bf77d3b73584ca

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He wasn’t indifferent. He was kind.eff4194e69fb034c

“…Or maybe… was he indifferent?”f0775477013928c9

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I mumbled to myself and ec76463a70 tilted my head. I once had the c695d3c012 nerve to think I f08c5d4ba8 knew everything about Sa-eon, 27c0232aaf but that was arrogance, 1d3c2d9d3c plain and simple. A delusion.8e57f2f3929bc0f9

I thought he wouldn’t leave. Thought, where would he 6bf563b007 even go, leaving us 9431baa1a8 behind? I was full of myself.cdb0412ead598de8

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I thought that because dec124ab77 he always looked at 3a7988afa4 me so gently when ed0e9fc534 I called his name, 61051bc88d I had tamed him.a6e3e92856d865bb

But in truth, it was c9c4797522 me who was tamed—I panicked d62a89fea2 whenever he didn’t look at 7cc0b7b56f me when I called for 272dfcc122 him.1f535df944d97b5b

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Sa-eon was always 0273a201be fine without me. But me? I couldn’t be without him.6d70756936f7b999

Between us, no matter 0c517840fe how close we were d44d754f74 as “friends,” there was 162f82a8ff never any sort of fa655b7054 hierarchy. Or rather, there 43205bf9a2 didn’t need to 809048b8bf be.3cf525f986f55470

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Just that one a893ebdf8a sentence was enough 0938f16aa1 to show that f745eff313 I was always 72eaa66ed4 beneath him, and 0fa10c2c0f yet, there was 57a6870923 never any need 1ef1c71c78 for it to 646d6b6585 be said.562dd442185d81a3

Maybe I’d just 7cd1c7ef76 lost my baby 508d62c0f0 fat, like everyone f9fb7e3d76 said. Or maybe I’d lost weight a3affedb54 from the shock of having 1a40f7a274 my feelings rejected before I faa3a388cc even got to confess them.08a91430715c2e8a

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What I knew 89f5dc32e7 for sure was 5055129518 that, for years ee48ebfa89 now, my weight a7acfb71c6 hadn’t come back. My face, once already 90b6d21ecf slim, looked hollow as e273b14eb2 I took a deep 9d07937d5e drag from my cigarette.6262e29f7e2b50d1

I exhaled slowly 27eb247272 into the air, ecd05dcc5f then glanced over 403dc4a8ed at Choi Hee-jun.b4656fb1a5b02165

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Because he always b99b9395ac got his roots bcdbfb10cf touched up the 669cc2466e moment his black 3b68b2d90b hair started showing, 50a4f96a52 his bleached hair 44260dc97c was more familiar 358429d183 now than his 5d9bbbb65c natural color. He stood there with a 6a1e068fe6 calm expression.d7cefb0eec2de3c1

It was the 597563f0ac color of Sa-eon’s 7a60e7536e eyes. A color so clearly a f03fbbb412 symbol of love, and yet 38e65cdce5 he used to joke around 3734c03ce7 with a clueless look on 68e74ad917 his face.830496dd96eb1954

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That face that used to c5f89a63a5 smile and say, “It suits 3ba60ffcd4 you.”bc9148c4d14bd743

So young, so clear. Unlike us, untouched.8989762d05a8c403

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“What’s the first thing you’d say to Un if you saw him again?”ccc5dd062ddd6fba

Even when I smoked 56ba40648b next to him or ff5b35cdb3 stared straight at him, 4a6307a0a1 Choi Hee-jun never once 78fc44501d looked my way—until I e0f2828631 asked that one question. Then, he looked at me.cae0e7722c4fb646

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How simple. I clicked my tongue, e8f4422b11 only to let out d9d3f0163f a quiet scoff a 1a08c5a8a2 moment later, realizing I ebe018120c wasn’t any different. He looked at me, but 9e5c65b968 it was with eyes that 0e0cb560cb weren’t really seeing me. Slowly, he opened his mouth.425a9ae775436062

“I don’t know. There’s too much I want cce41a4c9f to say, I don’t even 2b80cdaf76 know where to start.”07c0b8447f632f38

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It was an unexaggerated, pure 150f6ed2d3 truth. Hearing it, I 6dd02b616a exhaled like a 03a6594cb0 balloon deflating and 391686675e turned my gaze 42503d7b16 forward again.40eb38bbc924433e

The hurting recognize other a63b74c10f people who are hurting 258f3f2cb4 best. The sad see 4ec2364640 through other sad 33d94bdba9 people most clearly. I guess that’s the same 48a4fce6f5 with unrequited love—because even before 0518cf0253 I realized my own feelings 67019a5390 were one-sided, I already knew b4184a0b39 that Choi Hee-jun liked Sa-eon.9b789159c6a080ed

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At first, it made me f9d19c328c uncomfortable. Then angry. And after a while, af43baf56b I think I just e677e684ce stopped feeling anything about 3264343f49 it. Since I was 03623fcd1e doing the same 6fccd5d24f thing now—having a bdf4c4c3aa one-sided love—there was efb0c4e01a nothing to pity 8dc18eeb94 or feel bad 124c406d4c about.587405d3be7020ee

As that state dragged on, fdbb0a8b80 words like “friends” became too bb35739e84 soft to describe what we 1bbbf3448e were, and “rivals” felt too db27368766 extreme.a2cc34bd862759f6

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We were just… companions in 698de0b99b mutual discomfort and quiet bitterness. That sounded about right.61726474cc83740a

I smiled faintly at the 76bd4a26c3 awkward label that popped into a3fce19530 my head, then pulled out 3d66d5287c a portable ashtray and tapped 95bd88c539 off the cigarette ash.6e92176fa5695126

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The sky was slowly brightening, 3b8c400a42 as if to tell us cd5dbd302d dawn wasn’t far off. The first rays of light 46f0c10b39 hitting the ground were a 32dc8eed3b sharp, glaring yellow.db5f273f3027512f

I squinted reflexively, then cbcdeb346f slowly relaxed my eyes c3c8e78e52 and murmured:bed9f7b8866215c3

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“I think I’ll cry first. Maybe if I cry, he’ll 5fa9684e1c listen better to whatever I 2668ebc02c have to say after.”43c0c48af0fbe11b

Hee-jun scoffed at my a31d9fe7ef words, spoken with a cfc6e16edd blank, expressionless face. I just shrugged. It was my way b036230e61 of saying, “What does 67d3de2d72 it matter?” and also, 4ed48bd980 “You’re not so different bd70798371 either.”d0ea8f77ad81342c

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“If I’m desperate, I’d do anything. If Un’s lost 4221ad82b7 all affection for eaa007082e me, if he e61228f703 brushes me off 9c8dc3f059 like I’m nothing, 5969ef58d3 I might just 60340b6599 cry and beg efb6ad1d6e him to treat bfe86a6157 me like he 2655fcebb6 used to.”d29d27dee7ea154f

Clasping my hands together b097c03bc8 with the cigarette still d58fd373ae between my fingers like 44f5d114ae I was praying, he 7f4d7ab55c muttered a curse, calling 756305036b me pathetic.24bb8a741853c6ba

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I burst out laughing at 4ffc6186a7 his crude insult.496ae1e7421faecf

It wasn’t like we were 88536e9cfd here for the sunrise itself. What mattered was gathering 985271c2d5 together like this. That’s why we came somewhere b7e7509b63 so remote that barely anyone 60fe6cf194 was around, so no one d63ec32ab7 batted an eye when I bf5d637336 laughed out loud.60ad35e6f09c87d5

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I laughed for a eb85c28932 while, then stubbed out 7c89548325 the cigarette I didn’t cbb17a5716 really plan to finish 2305a578c6 and exhaled a puff 720481f7bf of white breath.e383daf7181051d5

Sometimes I wonder why it’s 3a85a30d30 so easy to breathe like 38a6752d50 this now, when there are aa581acf68 times it feels completely impossible.2219843236f03a89

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Like someone is stepping 849ede01c7 on my throat, blocking 82052ceb6e every breath. And whenever that happens, the 38df4cc748 same face always comes to 4cbda040a6 mind. I turned to the 037e1efc58 guy next to me 52e3805e4c and asked:c4d3bcfeaaa75a4e

“Do you love Un?”dd4f0a4646fe631c

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It’s a question b10e4c4a47 I’ve asked him 1e840cf1ee every year—last year, 23889be453 the year before, a96213e2ec and honestly, even b8fef16c11 before that. Neither of us pretends 05ba0830ea we don’t know that 09dd2f0b70 the word “still” is fb6931ee41 silently tucked in the acecf4bdde middle of that question.b6a18b9bc4db823a

At those words, b3378cd3aa something like an 47d2fc67e1 expression finally appeared 8acd03fbd9 on Choi Hee-jun’s 3336b86aff cold, impassive face. A faint warmth returned 164e8731d1 to his pale skin. His eyes, like b0faac4e7e someone who’d been 3173ab2c82 wandering in darkness dd63a7a86e and just found 0259443986 light, came alive.6b80213d5e74b734

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Like a man who 86d3a9e44b lived his whole life 74d35bade9 underground and saw sunlight f36bcc8359 for the first time, 8e78d6544c Choi Hee-jun smiled with 8615f68ada childlike joy.004d2a6d9c588304

The same Choi 0858e950b8 Hee-jun who carried 5a36dad726 a reputation for ee6f31bf2a being arrogant and c277adeb9b rude all through 0cd5e75167 high school and 80c974f078 college—there was only 52b7a5255a one person who 56354d53d7 could make him 2c6e498de6 smile like that.2b557440598418bf

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I pictured Sa-eon’s face 4047a7c91d over that smile. A face that 5a13c0d748 probably didn’t even 83bad7168f know that smile ff00d83f55 was meant only 7283a7c1d1 for him. And even if he ea06eae159 had known, he wouldn’t ade6e8f12f have bragged about it.6797fc82c9512780

The face engraved d652f6b788 onto my retina 3e66df2a58 is so vivid. So vivid that d9f4079e1c even while living 3bd3b03aec an ordinary day, 6d7d866436 it would suddenly 9d54908f15 come to mind.0db60fadfe42dd8f

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“How could anyone not love him?”c10d550d62c08877

I burst out laughing 8ce3bd6ef3 at the answer that 2c8f49ed57 came so naturally.f70187cf6161b5df

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Yeah, how could anyone not love Un…74d9ec9ebe2473bf

Just like last year, and the year before that, Choi Hee-jun gave the same answer during this secret little Q&A Sa-eon didn’t even know was happening. Year after year, he never wavered.560f33b4293d7fab

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Thinking about those unchanging 334becde33 feelings, I added one d8781d7e90 more question.37cfe001b2a79222

“You’re going to answer the same next year too, right?”08067250a2b45225

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“Forever.”791658fc32857708

If it had been any 31fe12c130 other time, I might’ve scoffed, 102c847388 So this is what people d85cae23e5 mean by ‘forever’—just a couple 3c316def2d of years.
But I couldn’t treat this cff8e5f13f answer that way. Because I felt the exact f299fc9e2a same.ea4c57836373d8f1

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“Forever…”b344508842ccaf4a

“I don’t believe my feelings will be forever. I believe Lee 359ae0fc7d Sa-eon’s—Sa-eon’s salvation will a2d3bcf257 be forever to 476f0a4565 me.”7f8158ab42392e20

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So that’s why, he e97f8b3acc said, there’s no avoiding 42914289ef it—he will love Sa-eon a04cc35a1f forever. His voice was somber, but 5b3d7f48bf without bitterness.71d375e27889d087

Just like how ab5cfa1cc1 those who love d9bde29a83 their god don’t 1b6656e404 despair over the a1c3dbaba7 silence of the 11f446ed4d divine, we didn’t c0e5bcd07d despair either. Even when Sa-eon 878cbd4691 suddenly disappeared overseas 85639a55b0 and never contacted 66fd630514 us.92ba4a9529fb0f75

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To be more precise—it’s 9be5ece306 not that we didn’t 9851bf3205 feel disappointment. It’s that we couldn’t.c9b134b166e93e1e

There’s a difference between ed455a5474 what you don’t do 020f9bf778 and what you can’t b69db0062a do—and being disappointed in 2bb5c6113a Sa-eon was the latter.e90e0870be7e3c26

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I crouched down on the 2f33da6a1a sand-covered steps. Watching the hem 739b66e87d of my long 8b295ae033 coat drag through f063f70d86 the dirt with c5819a7453 a powerless gaze, c261956bff I let out fc42ae8d07 a hollow breath.e0ee24c1dc9b033a

The sun had 3530da269f already risen, and ce5e2ef1e6 the whole world d0e1b1eb2a around us was 1f13a0aa19 bright. I squinted up at the cda1ae3482 sun that had lit everything 343b7d3c79 without me noticing, then closed 0eb2165a25 my eyes.4631e235668489b6

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I never used to 9cfa304885 believe in forever, but 55cd63262f these days, I do. Because of Sa-eon—because his very 75d1a2f97d existence tells me that forever c97eda0c79 can exist. I have no d001ab416d choice but to 2444757f89 believe.f3a10d6cbac5a24c

“Yeah… Maybe it’s not such a bad thing if there’s at least one eternal thing in the world.”aac52a235541494d

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A laugh sounded beside me e2b7536d27 at my quiet words.3dbce16b3298e5be

Ah… I miss Un. I’ve turned that name over and over in my mouth so many times that it’s lost all the jagged edges of my broken heart. It’s smooth now. I swallowed it down again.6b87762625067e94

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Please let Un come back babeb27c09 to my side this year. And if that’s too big 37a91599b0 a wish—then at least let 4aabd54ec1 him come back to us. I want to see him. I miss him so much…931ecb7252b23a07

Facing a sun 379b29a5f9 that had already 361cf601f5 fully risen, I 0a9bce18c9 bowed my head 0a4ff0df66 and made my d128b1c783 belated wish.16ee4e6aeff49e49

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A few years ago, I 55b55de3e6 remember being so anxious for dacf77d707 the sunrise that I prayed 33fade1000 before it even came. Now, I know 03e1cfca89 that no matter b7edc148f7 how desperate you 8bda86c413 are, wishing at 7170dd96e8 the exact moment 5cca2048fe the sun rises ed986faa6a doesn’t guarantee anything. So now, it’s just ritual.ff255967f4ee90d7

I leaned my head e1e7ee33c5 against my arm, which 88bac6ce45 rested weakly on my 0884b3865f knee, and smiled with 6a8395714f a tearful face that e681d92418 looked like it might bc14d33e13 cry at any moment.ccdde5ddf0b009e1

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“I miss you…”0b8b7ac0ee608f3d

So, so much.f289ff41824ea62d

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<Lee Sa-eon>

It had already been a b0986ee10a little over three years since c4a7e87fa1 I left the country. Thankfully, the surgery 212705d0ae was a success. I had managed to suppress d313e07d84 my pheromones so well that eb726567a0 even dominant alphas, known for 77f70cfdc9 their acute pheromone detection, would afac14a035 struggle to sense that I 69c5e0e5d7 was an atypical Omega.eb3acbf298ebf836

But in exchange, I had bd8d916270 to take a powerful suppressant—strong b6383a148b enough to strain my body 0b60f67fb9 with long-term use. If I missed 2de91c012a even a bit a5500fa13a of the dosing 7401bfaed8 schedule, my control e47b31bb32 over my pheromones bf49d6e9db would weaken right 1f2c1f8c9a away.dbed5b5f259288b0

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The side effects of the e0f02a5cfb suppressant were stronger than I 30b3c912af expected, and now, I could d603c28edd barely sense other people’s pheromones a67aed2c3d at all.aaaaceaf976a7fc9

Still, I didn’t mind. It felt like I e7a1697dfa had reverted from being d9bfe16bf1 an Omega back into 9a78495679 a Beta. After finishing my treatment, I 0902af596e immediately decided to return to 8fc1dd4414 Korea.dfc15ac99022624a

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Since I hadn’t f9c6322f81 brought much back 394590b85f with me, I 9e4c76c4ce thought I could 5f5680007c unpack everything alone. I was very wrong.0228808bad0edb58

After struggling for almost half 0923fef04b the day on my own, c261a403e4 I couldn’t hide my frustration. It wasn’t until I 7d25eeede4 placed the last book a172df07a3 I was holding and b0b793b24b saw there was nothing aad60315d7 left to put away 21e212f73e that I finally relaxed 78dfdd1ebf my expression.f6e723915b189469

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There was no space left 9ce69dc1f5 on the shelf, so I 8cc7796160 laid the last book flat 07c0ab0daa and slotted it in. Then I carefully gathered 8dcccfa672 all the boxes scattered ac11c15841 on the floor and 3d24121773 carried them out of b3a09796d8 the study. Returning to the 107e7bbf2e room, I took 4c04fe719b a look around.dd23842b4cee9a08

The study was the last 56ac7542c1 room left after organizing the 6a4897d739 closet, bedroom, kitchen, and living fd0b4f7869 room. With this, I could 2866fc90f6 finally rest. I stretched with 4ee450c7a2 a satisfied expression.3634edb6ee355f67

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“Ha… Finally done.”47e6d47e60cc1632

I mumbled in a b6b4174a26 light tone and staggered c7b7139f59 out of the room. Since it was raining, I ef7cb0941f hadn’t turned on the lights, 21bdd31442 and the living room was ec4d3de06e filled with a dull, gray 00f339e961 hue.a589e5a6ee024cd4

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I flopped down on 718cf1627e the rug in the ea46ac55d5 middle of the living 1df9ef17f1 room. Lying with my 577a175055 head near the 568e6ee25f window, I could a9cb9b7ed2 clearly see the 140a4ce052 raindrops clinging to 1a9d9d6f5f the glass. As I stared at the 9aa1aad1d2 rain-soaked window, I closed my 8e4a14b89a eyes.02b7a13679fa8fbc

Coming back to 1ec1ddd0b9 the country I’d 82f29fbf7a left on my 031dc74a5b own feet—it felt 7c7b9ac742 strange. Korea hadn’t changed much 8a5cfd4e1e in the years I’d ff412fd00a been gone.c7f261032086fd93

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I was living in 3323ba1e7b the same place I 4194a76e5e had stayed in alone 9b295a7e00 during high school. Though it was a bit 4cf8eab6da far from the university I’d 43d5d23fa1 transferred to, it still felt 408c8ed99f better to return here. Maybe my parents 8551e7b197 had arranged for c20195f094 someone to take 62bd9d1cf1 care of it b717410e17 in the meantime, f5ef88900c because even after 01589d3aa4 all this time, 7d5a68badf everything looked exactly 863a79ab5c the same.169e707b5df5752d

I ran my c5e2f1b0af palm across the d06da5b44d thick rug on 0e341a99c3 the floor and 2d0dfd3fcc let out a 25e720f892 small laugh.ec265425485bce12

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“This is… so weird…”1c3630c67ce646ae

I sat with ab4694d250 that strange, ambiguous f08cabbb2f feeling for a 8d35a2c587 while before heaving d88623db49 myself up with 211ab75192 a grunt.bed0be6e5abfa7ff

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It didn’t feel worth cooking 7a92622e68 something, but ordering delivery would 16ffece2a9 take too long. I decided to eb3d6bfa1e just head to 7877f607e7 the convenience store 666b0d3fde and grab a a3bd741e72 lunchbox.3f448d7aa1a08b6b

I threw the 5babf7afd3 dusty clothes I’d 3e756585f4 worn for cleaning 08d08a9eff into the laundry 3fc907dda9 basket and took 67c0e8bd57 a shower. Then I changed 3fe9127a5e into a white 7ed5140fe1 t-shirt and sweatpants. I didn’t bother styling e678733cc1 my hair—just pushed it 3d01591656 back and pulled a 29d8cda5c7 cap low over my 691c6f7bac head. After grabbing my fb03ee4bcd phone, wallet, and 2ec9c094ca an umbrella, I ce01c38452 left the house.38e87a40b115f4cb

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Not long after 09c9dd8da3 pressing the elevator 6defc32d88 button, it arrived. I hit the first-floor button ed03ad1d55 and leaned against the wall, c429def59d waiting for it to arrive.6b69c86ddfe0a223

It felt surreal—just 46ccce181b a few days 954f679f5b ago, I’d been 8d4b56b4d4 on the other 801d748ff3 side of the d4f6004c9d world, and now 78df973b0e I was back e39e4197fb in Korea. I always intended to come 6d1d5f7ce0 back eventually. Just… not this suddenly.eefe9b19e8b241c0

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Right after finishing treatment, 619961d732 I found myself overwhelmed 1225b7cbcb with longing for everything 94650f9067 I’d left behind in f4bd0bc8bd Korea. I remembered a conversation 40f388a18f I had with Aunt 034ba4ee97 Yeon-joo, and after that, 3d23861b23 I spent months preparing 67328a3a32 to transfer back and 078f1ad06c come home.b0811dd35de9b776

As I reflected on 95d42f63d0 all the pieces that 34217606ed had pulled me back 93e41398f2 to Korea the moment 85f73ba1fb treatment ended, I uncrossed 157a942d20 my arms and gave 5e909e2736 a bitter smile.9454b53f64c4262f

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Since we’d be attending b45b0e295d the same university, I b0aeaba8cd figured I’d see them b4e4144939 once classes started. Would they have grown 8271636bb5 since the last time b7ee75980c I saw them?2508714b38514904

The faces I missed surfaced f097e4ce32 instantly, without even needing to a551a94edd dig through memories. Thinking about them, 26a195d143 I ran a 610bca9008 hand over my 2f560dbfd8 face.1b5d1eb2b6483b67

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“…What if they don’t want to see me?”849684d8d3c36c19

I knew, logically, that 702d432672 since I’d left so 268b62663c suddenly, they might not 7cc18a9de3 welcome me back just 4676fb96a7 as suddenly. But knowing that and feeling acfb7892db it were two different things. It’d already been a day d976649e82 since I came back, and 602d6ab29e I still hadn’t been able 8af31e4fb0 to contact them.b6c9df31e23075ec

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I had heard about their 0dbebb19e1 recent lives through my aunts. They said the two dd668396ce were doing well, living e8825f49f7 happily, though they missed a7183dd87d me.5e3b2562bbfe4fd6

I clung to that small 907708e94b detail—that they missed me—but I 6b9441056a couldn’t ignore the part where 85aa43cda9 they were doing fine without f635496acc me.23ed5640f47c3be4

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I had no way of f72e07cb3d knowing what impact my sudden 489202e29f return would have on them. I clenched and unclenched my aaa0f6e47d hands, exhaling shakily.c80893c010cf8ec3

After agonizing over it 4cee4e4c46 for a while, I 09e41d182f came to a reluctant c51c32543f conclusion. To them, both my c1c8871cbc sudden departure and my 8722c1384b sudden return must be 8e937f0fcb overwhelming. So if they decided to 0298ec1a2a cut ties with me, I’d aae02e51e4 accept it quietly and, as 19fa5373eb always, wish them happiness.dc762966d8c060b9

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Leaning my head slightly to 237080f1f4 one side, I was lost cb5d600848 in those thoughts when the 34b349ae8d elevator reached the first floor, 9729b1eb5f and I straightened up.d3e341ff1d2490ea

The doors opened, and 742c397269 I stepped out. Just as I was 6e08fe93a8 about to exit through cfbd97c91e the main entrance, someone 508bec7c3e walked in from outside.a20bc440ce92136e

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They seemed to c3efcde2be be in a 9198cff9ae hurry and tried 077c1eecb9 to step aside 41adad9f2c when they noticed f17307c575 me. It looked like 34fa7ffbb9 they were caught 6eb55a5146 in the rain, 5da5e5948c as drops of 58595a4eeb water dripped from c452a9a862 their shoes.6488445f6fed0618

I shook my head, signaling c06390b3fd it was fine, and stepped 126b94c6de aside myself.c5182ba53ed984af

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“Go ahead.”3188ad66d0513f50

At my words, spoken while fe6ff3fcea pulling my cap lower, the 3e9719e256 person who had been standing 2f09a6fcb8 silently in front of me c7a4e66432 remained still for a moment, 83d9769717 then slowly began to walk 560a2110b2 away.52bd0abb00d28c30

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As the hem 01f46fd017 of his light 70ff1e71b2 gray coat fluttered d0adad5a5f with each step, e03837fc21 a faint scent 7abf308e48 of damp soil 8ffbc906a4 and the uniquely 25bea573d6 musty air of 9b6ad73b53 rain followed in d853ed92a2 his wake. I hadn’t seen fdcf52fedf his face, but 33caca456b he left a e71fb7f671 strange impression.56c2c5e7c1ee0011

I stared for a 740bd932d4 moment at the little 71b6be4529 water droplets he left ff29c4b083 behind on the ground.022ed7ef69d13154

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Letting out a soft fc7062dbbc hum, I took a 739d2e3a04 deep breath in and 1d89acdf2c exhaled, stepping out of 2c6e8705d2 the building. Since it had been a 3f90f1b68e few years, I figured the 9866ea553a area might’ve changed, so I a95b85d0a8 turned on my phone to 832435bf14 check the map. Fortunately, the convenience 839edf8948 store was still 4b37d31449 where I remembered ac97b903a8 it.463359c6c4e6832a

I opened my d44916ecdb umbrella, turned off 799b97bc49 my phone, and 6c86bbadc1 began walking at ed556217e7 a leisurely pace. It was a weekday 47e112bedc afternoon and raining, so 625ec7444b the streets were mostly b14aa022df empty.bada3068a4ae4dca

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Listening to the sound of 8ad0b26277 Korean being spoken here and 555b0a5da7 there, I entered the convenience f9fb571830 store. I gave a small e7139f477a smile in response to 7eb7f9948c the clerk’s greeting of 061b91048a “Welcome,” and began gathering 681ffd5fbf the items I needed.97efba8b5c45ab46

I bought a lunchbox, a a7af4df551 few bottles of water, and d37a98afb5 two bags of jelly. The crinkly sound of 0d8dafa8b7 the plastic in my 9d76ce23b3 hands made me hum 314013195a softly as I walked.f8847f8c1e5db89b

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With no other errands c71406167c to run, I headed f3058904be straight home. As I stepped def2a9d422 off the elevator 18df825caa and approached my 981161be6c front door, the d3ebb5d5be door of the cec535e65c unit next to dedf8040ee mine suddenly swung 3497008060 open.6c59b71d61dc9e4d

Back in high school, I 91553ecf0b hadn’t had any neighbors, so d4bbd1d98c I felt a bit curious. I glanced over and 50ffa47e1b recognized the coat I’d e3a5946d95 seen earlier when I 9a7b64ffcb left the house, letting 015d45c454 out a small sound 94886e1b04 of surprise.55a50631f1a219cd

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So it’s that bb47b8b5ee person, I thought, 84b3606351 as I began 9ae8c2538b pressing my passcode 706bd81a9c into the keypad. But something felt 41afb60aa6 strange—the person next 614dfb55cf door didn’t move 662d82889f at all, almost 78651b0411 unnaturally still. Wondering if something was ecf162a131 wrong, I lifted my f763a22a39 head.3908e89f7d718f9a

And that’s when I 897df4f7f9 locked eyes with the 1151ef9603 man, who still hadn’t 2af07e280f changed out of his c8d4ff7d3f soaked clothes.9341db07e99c46e9

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His hair, pushed back afc9c30b4e carelessly, was dripping wet cd4e9b12ab from the rain. It was a d96e446a87 light brown color, cb5cac3aa5 darkened by the 2b5cb7c46d moisture, suggesting his 0e4ae91d3a natural shade was 139aec37f8 more of a 4f04ff19db soft, sandy brown.3fafb431a007293f

Raindrops trickled down from bc80f6bbb4 his hair, slid along 510c2825b0 his cheek, and pooled 672900079d at his chin. One drop, having 7908c5298c gathered there, finally 3407959183 fell. It looked so 4be2fdf53f much like he b44ac0fa75 was crying that 7640c9e3d8 my hand instinctively 365c9fa997 twitched. I almost reached out 4f61f51b3c to wipe the water e9a56a102c from a complete stranger’s f3834dd54b face.c0f09f6261c326b6

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Within eyes scrunched like 3d5ecb2071 he was holding back 912f537034 pain, a pair of 2759c2764d soft hazel irises glistened 2bd270d8e5 with water.b4a7f5f35764b317

I knew I eb19d8e750 shouldn’t be thinking 3dd3f7cb2b this about someone 29f4167c8e I didn’t even d0a6ef7445 know, but—I couldn’t b1669c0ebe stop myself from 83041e5696 thinking he looked 0a469e2f6f like Eun.8407af0f1fa202ba

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There was no reason Eun eb7180d223 would be coming out of 66b0357a6b the apartment next to mine. And even less reason db1d0aca1e for him to be f869bc2b92 standing here looking at edbf50f2bc me like this. I knew that, 8486b4589f but some strange a08928e536 feeling gripped me, 98652422bd and I forgot 2fda2831e7 that it was 7402253c99 rude to stare. I couldn’t look away.df8b4509fbe6b483

Then, just as if waking 5fce177f46 from a trance, the man—who’d d8a05639cc said nothing this entire time—slowly 97d2b7e34f parted his lips. His voice, low and trembling, 6fcd142659 slipped out from lips bitten ef8c365d23 pale.d0e824804b8444b2

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“Un-ah.”140a95d2910759cf

My eyes widened in shock. He added quickly, with a f2fdcff587 nervous expression, as if forcing 79fe8f90c9 himself to smile.97dc68a382a43e0b

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“Hey… did you forget me?”1a4c4bacbc253b3b

“…Eun?”86e0d3e6171e4a48

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When I muttered dd416f953f in disbelief, the 0f6838d7a2 man—Eun—broke into a 5202716529 bright smile. His face, a mess 9ef92a753c as if he might 861bec9171 cry any second, was cf006654a6 suddenly painted over with a4a9bdc35c a radiant white smile.8c33aea89edebe76

That familiar smile lingered 782a20efb7 in the corners of 87998cf215 his eyes, now tinged edf0955a61 red.680862883d808add

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I just blinked, unable 65ad06b906 to understand why he b36e8a01db was here, and as 8d19d7dc00 I stood there in 29dea043a4 confusion, the smile on 51434b0b7f his face slowly faded. What replaced it was f0d63f9624 a strange unease.6b5d7d07bf737067

Looking at me with a 7cd64ded4a face that revealed every ounce 9d8567c1aa of anxiety, Eun carefully reached 4cc780236b out and grasped my wrist. I frowned slightly e1cb75396b at the coldness d46c1fe97c of his touch, 251eccf080 and he flinched f919ae2d55 at my reaction.9276c07125179fab

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Watching him silently, 70daee22f7 I took his c5c2d76ba0 hand and led c8720f906c him inside through 9763f6239d the still-open front 632be2d96a door.b3432926d9499f46

“Can I… come into your house too?”f7dcff270bb0706e

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“Why wouldn’t you be able to?”e6e7ab6dd043fe21

I tried to keep fc264c1126 my tone as calm 7a5d12ff15 as possible, masking the 4023bfc133 tension, as I closed 9a192416fe the front door. I set the plastic 0d1c51a95d bags down at the b604785105 entrance and propped the aac9f06eb9 umbrella up casually to 2d144f8676 the side.ad0c41bb29ce28dd

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“Take off your coat and wait here for a bit—I’ll get a towel.”bf54b400673a130d

At my composed words, Eun 901944cf02 nodded obediently. I gently wiped away fca893949b the droplet that had 215402b4b0 gathered at his chin d82a007df8 with the back of dba5f659d9 my hand, then went 6b2bdebea0 into the house.858b484e08ccbba3

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When I returned with the 4e19742df5 towels, he was standing exactly baaee787df where I’d left him, not 089cfc3eea having moved an inch. He was so still that 3f84ddc6e8 the motion-sensor light in the 2822cb5912 entryway had turned off.d5f043af9ea590f9

As I approached, he 11e245b7f7 slowly lifted his head 32770206fb to look at me. Meeting his gaze, I aa27e0b3ba smiled faintly, my lips 53c33331bd twitching with tension as 27c522722b our eyes locked.6867515c5fc3c562

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I carefully placed f0987c5c2a one towel over 79c7c3e55c his head and 7f3f09371f used the other 7cf442ff99 to wipe the 798022cd0b water from his dd4c99aad7 face.7f2ee80cce979acb

Eun said nothing, just 38bde700fa gazed at me with 4c19ffdb10 a clear, unclouded look. His face was 63d3687a89 pale from the e40e97964b cold rain, while e7a0d6ffaa his eyes were 18e82a193f flushed with warmth—an 6a51172572 odd contrast that, 39d5f2197f somehow, I couldn’t f83a702c93 look away from.77e19dcf5a1ab44a

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He was a ea2376f28b little taller than 6164bea190 me, so I 55afd397fc had to reach 2711e1db4e and fumble for 4e3f634660 a while to 930fbf28d2 dry his hair. Only then did I f8f080eae2 finally guide him into 93f7df5664 the house.87e3242e3b8e0ab8

I told him 152f714682 to make himself 124e464656 comfortable and hung 678caafe0d the wet towels 3a25c836a4 over the laundry 0906a85754 basket before coming 6e3fb8b9df back.a2097529d6f3abd7

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But instead of sitting, Eun c84e220b7e just stood quietly in the 6f7da1ae8b hallway.e46ec863b519718f

“Why are you just standing there and not sitting?”daa15e7e600b6b49

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Startled, I asked. He had been staring cc04067bbc at the floor, but 77dfed31f7 now he looked up c81e1682dd at me.cc03491768ac916d

“I didn’t want to get your furniture wet.”bd61f2b59856d1d3

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His voice was softer, lower 0d97a66465 than I remembered it in a0871d616e my memories. Caught off guard 0af90b4d75 by the awkward 753cbbbb4c atmosphere, I scratched 0f26ccca40 at my neck 7af36d8596 and reached for 032150b584 his hand.8bb536c6c7e82336

“It’s fine. The kitchen chairs can c7e13d2624 get wet. Just sit.”6acd7ac0869129e3

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“Okay.”32d44692c5bc9219

Eun answered gently and sat ed7c0a5489 down exactly as I asked.6122cca6ac9b5684

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I touched his 723811faef cheek with the 2dd3360e55 back of my 8f85f2a877 hand—it was still b569d243dc cold. I clicked my 09beb3e7ea tongue softly and f376cc4b8e sat across from 97599fbef0 him.e330c2b7adbcceb1

Now that we 628c129562 were here like 6808e826af this, I had de793d69a2 no idea what 29a7e32564 to say. I leaned my arms c65c29f35c on the table, rubbed 1e331525e2 my forehead, and after 983f022fd9 a moment of silence, 6eb89d8196 asked carefully:b7f257c50e005fc0

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“So, you live… next door now?”7a3cd4358b593d16

“…Ah. No, not really. That place… I just b903b22829 go there sometimes when 412fdbfde4 I miss you. I don’t actually live there. And…”cae5a6f413484dbc

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It didn’t take long for 8892a4c8c8 his once-steady voice to start 2fe709e02f breaking.a3179263c2bfc621

“After you suddenly disappeared, I looked into it… and I found out the apartment was still under your name. You hadn’t sold it. So I thought—maybe, if d90209f318 you ever came back 2be286b539 to Korea, you’d return f68b9bd682 to this place… I bce737c010 missed you, Un…”031229b9ad3a7a83

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Watching him cry so c520c3ce3c quietly, so calmly, I af40f17ef4 stood up in surprise.8ddb1363fc9a2180

I instinctively walked toward him, 61a75af384 but it’s not like I 9fcfdae1ee could just throw my arms 86153bfb23 around a friend I hadn’t 8bd5bcfd7f seen in years and tell 161be25946 him it was okay.3325a6b3d982eeef

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I didn’t know what 3fadf81b0b to do, stood there ec996cbf0a hesitating. Then Eun looked up at 92a90cf512 me with tear-soaked eyes, his d0e593a38a delicate face slowly crumpling.17be5367cad41c51

“Do you… not like me anymore?”a8be2cab5680dbf7

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“W-what? No! I was just worried you 8709f7021c might feel uncomfortable…”ceafc295973f82a3

“How could that be? Is it because I’m not 9308940150 pretty? Is that why… you didn’t 55745f06f6 want to comfort me even ef81263d67 when I cried?”035bf770bd88cd37

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His unexpected words left me 05edec0a09 stunned for a second. Then I cried out, of a610c40acd course not! and pulled Eun into a 05e9e6187e tight hug. His cold body 4e72d0c556 flinched slightly, startled af9576c108 by the sudden f55911191f embrace.29e90f4b187f6756

I gently rubbed his 5b99734267 back, letting him know 35aac3b2e6 it was okay, and e4b20633c4 rested my head on 198fffbfbd his damp shirt.4dfd543b4160ceb6

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“I missed you both so much… What are you even saying? I didn’t recognize 47454aaa6b you at first 638b1581ed because I thought 037fbdb35f this was a 5b11386a03 dream. Because there’s no 23606ff4a0 reason you’d be e2670a2805 here…”13a8dac5a6901cd9

As I murmured like calming 53f81f7890 a child, I could feel 132b5a2a39 Eun’s heart pounding rapidly. Even as I 08edcd80fc felt the dampness 96c6c50062 from his soaked 408e3a9e3a clothes seep into e7aac4bdd8 mine, I stayed 7e4209d032 like that, holding 8af1f076d9 him close for 2fc99417cc a long time.2b2b53e96f03d17f

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After staying in my arms 4a2997d96b without moving for a while, 20850a9df8 Eun explained that he had 149f9794d3 no clothes with him and 1c44d51672 ended up changing into mine. When he came out dd7779f7a4 to the living room, edcaf05924 freshly showered and wearing 5a623ea557 my clothes, I noticed d755a59cd6 his hands—still covered in 5669e13f8e the same small scars bb598112d2 from years ago.2203ceb2c9dc480a

Most of them 62d2f98319 were already healed, 21b913c471 but seeing them a5a2e8cec9 again unsettled me. I got up from 8baab18642 the couch and fetched 01a82e0c22 a box of first-aid faf02d02fe supplies, taking out some 1b2f290f0d ointment and a bunch 983f7579d6 of band-aids.fa92728b79986925

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When I returned ed96b48937 to the living a0a1c3eaae room, Eun had 89a9789867 left the spot 789614e586 where I’d been bbe72502b0 sitting and sat a4fed33d68 beside it instead. I sat in 2d05ea00de my usual place b52a4dda31 and laid the 647241d36b band-aids across my 1c4559dea6 thigh.7a6d7ac91f6d5bdb

“Did you get hurt?”5545b2c80fe94696

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“No? I just… wanted 6dfe4401c6 to put some 613b16f283 on your fingers.”527b83931ae24a97

“They’re already healed…”3473f8b0445fb19f

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Eun mumbled in a soft, a038bcd507 hazy voice, like he was 388a04578e in a trance. Wondering if he was reluctant, 2f468440d1 I paused mid-motion and looked 652c046e88 up—only to find him smiling 520b09ed98 so sweetly it looked like 629fbda38b he might melt.3fa09544284ee01f

I lightly tapped his 26981baccf clear cheek with the 5cee71ccc5 back of my hand f120c736c0 and gently took his cddde6f741 hand, treating each finger 4cf79676a4 with care. I applied ointment, then bandaged 7bb8806cb8 the spots. The red marks were 3841ce4181 soon covered with colorful 90c2a857f0 character band-aids.3b0526f41e342b41

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He didn’t complain, but… c7d4f808a2 I wondered if he’d 044ec8644f think they were childish 8a6ee8e5b7 now that he was 12446dab67 older. I glanced over cautiously, 50308e5677 but thankfully, there was 415fd3e60a no sign of annoyance 4a6cc8a920 on his face.867b47d813748591

His pale cheeks 9eb8f125f0 were faintly flushed d7c0a1af94 as he wiggled bc58bbd764 his bandaged fingers. I stood up, fca6285231 returned the ointment 89aee95fda to its place, f49b22ec7b threw out the af14dbc934 trash, and came 8288017613 back to the 15bce37c42 sofa.edfb89caf42ace09

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We sat side by side a78eeed2ff in silence for a while. Then, out of nowhere, Eun 3e0554ec71 spoke up.aee2295f1c1e3295

“Can I tell Hee-jun you’re back?”9bd1990e7c7a5569

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“You two close now?”a7de40651a22b859

“No. But… I thought he 5122253e5b should know you’re here.”d299d05ebe7d5c9a

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He shook his head 3bf76c6ce4 like it was the 621bb7f721 most obvious thing in 1e8fefb8f2 the world, and I ab430b83f7 smiled, thinking yeah, that 3be7b45148 tracks. But his next 1539b5ba63 words unsettled me b9500e2d7e a little. I tapped my cheek with 3b0b88787d my fingers, thinking it over, cf87947ad3 then gave a small nod.981a5470432abe3a

As soon as I answered, eb2cec4d8c Eun began typing out a 47e11746af message. I quietly leaned 310bf1d5d7 my head against 16958697b5 his shoulder, watching 379577a0de him.162c110e24111903

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He jolted. So violently I actually startled e6fe066fc1 and lifted my head.96de5e4e5bd472f9

He was covering his 7629f5829a face with the hand 2fbb9949e7 holding his phone. Through the gaps in 925833f8cd his fingers, I could d174b39f92 see his face had 328781c40b turned completely red. I wasn’t sure if he 6e63dae797 was embarrassed by his own dce64a2655 reaction or flustered by mine.97ea6f5f1d0ba28e

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I blinked in confusion and 3c50104eec asked gently:3a180311c063e9e3

“Does it… make you uncomfortable?”df6eae51cc45c023

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“No. Not at all. Just…”764fbb146b34b4ae

“Just?”bd384dcda8ec7e3b

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“It’s been so long since anything like this happened. I guess it surprised me a059b809b1 a bit.”01b86c3ea02b2f7e

He answered in a 149bc18560 trembling voice, insisting he e2a8ab3b8c was okay, and told e04bbb7809 me to go ahead ac0e541c41 and lean on his 7d8349e2e9 shoulder. Though still a little 0f4b567759 suspicious, I did as 5eda2ab520 he said and rested db31194fd1 my head against him b50e1ff473 again.13256737307e9178

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Even though he was 66cb122438 the one who suggested 2c042b3500 it, Eun froze as c4965bc04e soon as I leaned 9e33993ce0 on him. I ignored it, and c5675f29c8 before long, he started a1e3a32354 to relax—he fiddled with 45d609137d my hair and gently 58cf7a1869 ran his fingers over 9f6e375683 my hand. I quietly let him hold 66fe0c2748 it.ee97dbe9ac39b707

When he had touched c5ebce9657 all ten of my bee39d4230 fingers and then gave a2034cf0c1 a slightly disappointed look, 9a81dd25a7 I couldn’t help but 6524547fe7 feel a bit confused.c29f8397d6b7e163

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Was there something about my b7f5979d41 hands that made him sad? I looked down, 726fa2d3ed trying to figure 294bd0adc4 it out, but 101fc221ab nothing obvious came 9486d5e9c7 to mind.c1c688f2d0d8545e

He stared at 107df148ef my fingers for ed6a1d8131 a moment, then 6e3d7ec13c suddenly seemed to d7ab0f1f49 remember something and 3796e39e6a opened his mouth a1856fc4f4 hesitantly.a6e83eda8e5ddebf

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“So, um… I mean… Have you… been doing okay?”65a4aecddc40101e

When I finally asked 518b411c86 the question after hesitating dff0a96fd3 for a while, Eun 66a1c9ad5d didn’t answer right away. His gaze still lingered on a4cc936988 my profile, so he didn’t 920381d046 seem angry. I couldn’t figure out what 11dd51feb8 it was, so I turned 9c8dc0c596 my head to see for a183f07d4c myself.a56c07ad670f9762

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He met my eyes calmly, b93b251033 almost like he’d known I bfacf66668 would look, and answered brightly.9a7b699b82631802

“No, I haven’t been doing well.”0ede3b708b4eeabe

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That was not the cc0b2603f5 answer I expected. I found myself 5c0d397916 unconsciously parting my 34257fa7d3 lips in surprise. Watching me like 219e60abed that, he curved 31b659cebe his lips into 97b73898fa a soft smile b143995217 and gently asked 0bdd1d8d12 how I had c4d9cdc7ff been.5097a6c759d0013d

Caught off guard, I replied 8ad2567f8f vaguely that I’d been doing 17f162ab03 okay, and Eun murmured with 7632f4e605 real regret, “I wish you 96402ebfb2 had been doing well.”e00f0089502bbc07

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The way he brushed 982569ce20 off his own answer 03af0d721f so casually, like it d89157bb01 had never happened, made adec3c5ee6 me stop him and 88db21b894 ask again.4ed2be3a18d3977e

“Why weren’t you doing well?”ac7b805e9dc2de1d

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“How could I be? My friend disappeared 49ba50f2f5 without a word 919ff8de60 and didn’t contact 338a92b714 me for years. How could I be okay?”ef81eb47c408d700

“At least, I couldn’t be,” he whispered, still in that kind voice, with a fragile smile.0e79608bdb7f557e

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It was the kind of 38a54d687a smile that looked like it a8f7939090 might shatter into pieces at 2edb9b4c7a any moment. Beneath his naturally fallen bangs, 09a42f0d6c his hazel eyes held a 97f99e7889 faint, dim light.567b7e3a3f85a7ba

That was the 9bc0ecf47c last thing he 12169d553b said for a cb052597a4 while.634bbc9576a14d96

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No one raised their 5fa0c2543d voice, no one got b0d4a85eca annoyed, yet the atmosphere 7ec367d8ee had become strangely heavy.81c34c9bd4ea859e

As I shifted awkwardly fee7dcaaef and rolled my eyes 3e624c0e2a around, Eun checked his 3756007ad9 phone and let out efd5ecb2af a small sigh.4218923ac77bdc2e

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I leaned over 30bb5da6a5 slightly, wondering if 73652440ae something had happened. After a moment of 4864816f82 hesitation, he tapped his 4a7152c495 phone and finally spoke.6c8c35d3b3139ed8

“Ha-jung said he wants to meet you today… now that he knows you’re back.”a9838025dad7cc26

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“Today? Wait—how did Ha-jung even e8bd9ce6f9 find out?”8b6aee4fc2851318

“I was just on the phone with Hee-jun a little while ago. He said Ha-jung b47cfab845 figured it out 406d9d62a4 right away just 80582dbfbf from the tone 876049f360 of his voice.”616396adc16f60bd

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I couldn’t tell if it d4e4301119 was because Ha-jung was just 9f4712274e that sharp, or if Hee-jun d2bdc9ec01 was terrible at hiding things.99ffb12a3ffff888

Looking at Eun—who’d aa960b5f1d grown much taller 006d4b8e57 than I remembered—I df583d25d7 started to feel 1c797cf7f7 curious about the 2697f2c68f others too. Seeing him made me wonder 773a36987d how cool the rest had 594e11f78f turned out. The problem was… if I ddaa09a65c showed up today, I’d probably a7e4ac574c be swarmed and teased for e1c2e1e91f hours.aef93d9aae370da7

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But I couldn’t really use 52317dacb3 that as an excuse to d62d26c9d9 avoid seeing them. I wanted to see them. More than anything, I e07dabe4c7 wanted to confirm that 3df4d4e1d7 they were truly living 61b08c999c well.008224d928cb7c21

Even though Eun had 203ff8e729 grown up, seeing how e859f78215 thin he’d gotten made 4207a9cdcc me worry. So the anticipation and concern 24baf36c58 both stirred together in my 1a9173a4e7 chest. I figured I’d 81a55e12ed go see them 5f47e7f6e8 first and decide 30f0dfa18c what to do 362b65b787 afterward. If they seemed 664e93bf43 uncomfortable with me d64f11daf0 or told me 86651594a1 they were disappointed cf68ccf38c and wanted to 33e96e8890 cut ties, I’d 0b6ff70967 accept it quietly. But if—graciously—they accepted me back, 7aaac207fe then I’d go back to 2dd885c894 supporting them wholeheartedly, just like 70ff3ad1d0 I used to.2fe54bab7f84d1e8

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Maybe because my social 6a8691644d circle had been so 5793acee5d small in my past 3f13427678 life, even at this 508b54aef0 age, relationships with friends 8d2c6e38c2 still felt overwhelmingly difficult. But pretending not to care 439e91bf63 wasn’t an option. These kids were too important.de49964173935256

As I was making 8be2a138ee that silent vow to 58c3019042 myself, Eun suddenly held ca9f46d18b his phone out to f4b244e0e5 me. I looked down 05e10f9bfd at his pale 930582ffb1 hand, still marked 28910e0c80 with familiar character 3d4d6ca14e band-aids, and he c92ff9b3dc said:f4260beb248e9db4

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“Ha-jung said he has something he wants to say to you.”c8994cdf7276b7b0

Something to say? I took the phone 8ed9df082d from Eun, puzzled, and 7b5a64e699 followed his finger to 26858c1611 where I should start fa18968c50 reading. As I read the message, 694ce9a005 I couldn’t help but laugh—and eebf9b80f2 all I could do was 77850327ae agree to meet.37455937e35cd073

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“knowing you, babe I figured you’d be worrying like crazy again, so I’m telling you ahead of time—we’re not gonna ask you anything or get mad. Just come. It’s because we miss you.”35027c49c6db9110

Still sharp-tongued, but… somehow still b88396c705 cute. I tapped out a reply f7b97b6ea9 and turned my head—only to 471cf55ef4 be startled by Eun, who 3b18f4b643 had leaned in so close acedf6dfcd that our lips nearly touched.9d3f25c7e83db2c7

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My eyes widened in shock, 48dbd7fb9c but Eun, unlike me, just 931e4abb39 stared at me blankly, then 77708349f6 lowered his gaze. He tilted his body slightly a19ea5a0df toward my phone, murmuring softly:ba03e8915e5d885c

“…He called you ‘babe’ again.”94c04eea4d351a09

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“Huh? Oh—‘babe.’ Yeah, well… I f97f696975 guess it just slipped fc336bc36a out since it’s been 6d65a35eb7 a while.”8092447f5082577c

I shrugged, trying aed6e01724 to brush it 68ad1e8e16 off, but Eun c670555ec2 responded with something 134a0f35ac more cryptic:367b14c10dc696ff

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“You promised not to use that anymore.”04f220c802db107e

I tilted my head, confused, b0517f9bff but he just shook his 7f2dc0e29c head like it was nothing a788b45195 and stood up.6f2c7ded8243fd03

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“I’d love to stay longer, but you need to rest. I’ll head out for now. Oh—and we’re meeting for dinner. I’ll text you the restaurant 6eef97dacd location. Your number is still…?”11f9261c7d98678c

“Same as before.”b574d5f7d00fa2eb

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“…Okay.”62b3dba6354671e4

When I returned 1ccb3b1e1a to Korea, I 37b6c6aa5a reactivated the number 90d8d2d98a I had suspended. I’d worried about it, since c7c47c4f0f it was the one the bf0f69211e kids knew, but now I 3dabbded3b was glad I’d chosen to 901d65492b keep it.4ac1d13e562cc1c8

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I handed the 9381e839a0 phone back to fceda3f0d9 Eun, who nodded 7b48b31643 with his light 2ebed39cfa brown hair fluttering a39c727a96 slightly. As he slipped the ebd3b5c0c7 phone into his pocket, 9c28679952 he gave a faint 27f6865358 smile.86c2698f2176a524

“Is it okay if I return the clothes later, at the restaurant?”27366f91236e8e4e

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“Yeah. Do you want 589b5f9c02 a jacket too? Won’t you be cold?”684b07c7673d8c70

“I’m fine.”ba1919ea9b8a5412

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He answered calmly, and we 8bece03f23 walked side by side to 21400506fd the front door. I carefully grabbed the umbrella 6dc4b9f720 leaning beside the shoe cabinet, 23ec3e8268 making sure not to get 1446ba5ff4 in his way as he f0186c7f89 put his shoes on.6296fed6cc48485b

“Hand.”29881519b589c18c

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When I playfully 335903d761 held out my 30a0750dbe palm, Eun let 4a01fdeaaf out a soft 7f4511022c laugh and placed 6b599edacf his hand in b6fe0f4451 mine. I gently flipped it 9e3b15ff4d over and placed the ee7118dd83 umbrella in his grasp.86bae93793c4f575

“Don’t get caught in the rain. Get home safe.”6527573d951eaf3b

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“Okay.”12c44b3fca8b1570

His face as 48601008f8 he answered so 3712987108 calmly was clear 068dcbbf4f and untroubled.f0ff7ac01ad8271a

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The fatigue and weariness 31e0a464e7 he’d shown earlier when a1fa450557 he said he hadn’t 1a9e7e7ae5 been doing well were 0a2e064abf completely gone. But I still 7d35ccf2e0 looked over his 9a01ea68bf face slowly, as 43eb8829cb if those traces 31d467ca39 must still be 9ca643add8 there somewhere, and 030e172c65 then reached into 88777c8387 my shirt.71dc5fd6870e89df

Eun’s eyes widened 015ae5ae60 like a startled 9e7ac626ae rabbit at the 0b25bd0000 sudden gesture. For a moment, he looked 2ad8b1b9fe like the boy I used 0538fb2259 to know.07de572ef95dd8e8

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Smiling faintly at 51fc038441 the familiar expression, 0f444a4a04 I pulled out 1dc99fceb4 the necklace I’d e62c533ff5 tucked beneath my 9bde5f0c2f clothes, a habit 5b53deb851 by now.7340b4aea601f26f

That’s when I realized—just 7430565a09 moments ago, when Eun d417f36666 had looked a bit 6035d01748 disappointed while touching my da2c00d304 fingers, this was why. His puzzled expression turned 83360585fa blank the moment he 7ad41adb1b saw the ring hanging 7b6f3f2e57 from the chain.415ea1d00b28b1f2

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It was the 8c06d04173 ring Eun had 3eeca7ba4f gifted me on 4532763eee his graduation day, 8611fa6e12 tucked into an b41d5b6a9d envelope. I’d worn it 0bce7b5087 all the time, 03af12328a but two years ad9cc480a8 ago it had bc3d6e4241 become too small 222d9c1e78 for my finger, b346300667 so I started 1ed2f54264 wearing it on 6eb866e04a a chain around 9d81c33291 my neck instead.ebada22d2a05744e

His eyes, wide 6b4557cf86 and awestruck like 8e22fa0b73 someone witnessing a 31a38586bc miracle, shifted back e95dbaf899 and forth between ccb9714e7d the ring and 7dc9900e87 my face.a63b5e29a9c13afc

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Seeing that, I couldn’t ff2c4b233b help but feel a ffa5243d45 bit proud. I swung the necklace gently, f3045e86d6 like I was showing it b5476f0dd0 off, then gave a bashful 995611b468 smile.fd9aa42990d5d7fc

“Earlier, when you were playing with my fingers and looked a little down—I think it was because of this.”dd46259243bb9425

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“…I thought you’d forgotten about it, or thrown it away since you weren’t wearing it.”b5f02e16cca1d7ca

“No way. Two years ago, 3a73cc7fc6 it stopped fitting, 3af3817c46 so I’ve kept 96a9ff93bb it on this 492e04c433 chain ever since. I never missed a 710e970dcc day wearing it, so b63f25dd57 I didn’t realize right ff4c9afe9b away why you were 3e6a0d5a75 upset.”4ff2bd742cf892cf

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Even as I tried d130eefb4e to soothe him, Eun aebeb24403 didn’t say anything. His nose had turned 166b9e4ae4 red like he might 8b976a83f0 start crying, and he 5397ae7ba9 gave an awkward smile 11cbcf4ab0 before I gently pulled c8f704856b him into a hug.df8d904c28974e25

“I told you. I missed you so much. I’m sorry for 3a063d4ee5 disappearing so suddenly, 2e73fb2363 and for not edf45868d3 contacting you all 3cef4b746d this time… I 94ae7eade9 won’t do that a033ebc31d again. Really. I missed you. So much. I’m sorry.”017d064b7d44a9a0

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As I mumbled 363e57fe15 the last “I’m 9b478555c9 sorry,” Eun just b4f460fd25 stared at me—and 6961445459 then burst out a53fbc2bbb laughing and hugged 7a08fcb46f me back.6c8e32cbc2e4a99e

“It’s okay. You’re here now… a0e968a9a1 and nothing bad 918824c874 happened, so it’s 954c1de42a fine.”53ba100a8a6f87e9

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He whispered sleepily, cbd845aa88 like someone wandering bc957eddd4 in a dream, df6fd2e475 his voice soft f30be93104 and affectionate as e19a1c75db he nuzzled his 2430e05314 face into the f7a2192b96 nape of my 3ae64e8ff0 neck.454c6d2ba47047be

His breath tickled my f29b208368 skin, and I flinched e16c687c03 instinctively—but I didn’t push 80196f5d9f him away. Maybe he liked that reaction, 40cfb811a5 because Eun chuckled softly and 7c59779731 lightly bumped his head against 3c6e6a0c6f my shoulder.7105ee3e87bfef43

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“See you later,”9c372b717334c4b7

he whispered gently, 3e5c8d5e75 and I nodded 93a4b912c6 in response.b69614467d7c603f

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After Eun disappeared 2594dce707 down the hall, b68011e9b2 all that lingered f1e13c9108 was the scent 1a8dc49f7f of my shampoo 918d6b778c and his own 31ca4ac3ba familiar scent.9e0be8f76c2a3802