LV Chapter 4.2

He took the first step with his hands in his pockets. Sasya noticed that his palm gripping the bag strap was slightly damp with sweat. Strangely, his vision became blurry with each step.

Sasya looked up. The hotel where he was staying was less than 500 meters from the Museum of Modern Art, and the hotel immediately came into view.

It was a distance he could have walked alone without being escorted. He wondered why Karel had offered to take him back.

Was it because he was only sixteen?

“Karel…”

Sasya gathered courage and called his name. It was the first time he’d spoken it. Sasya stumbled forward to catch up and studied his expression, but there was still no reaction.

“Karel, Karel. Mr. Clements.”

“Yes.”

Only a polite response came back.

“I’m going to have my first kiss soon.”

Karel chuckled at that.

Even Sasya himself couldn’t guess what kind of reaction he had expected, but he knew it wasn’t this one. That seemingly dismissive response filled Sasya with emptiness.

“Doesn’t it bother you at all?”

“You don’t need my permission for such things.”

“I wasn’t asking for permission.”

“Then?”

Karel stopped briefly and looked down at Sasya. With his 30-centimeter height difference, Sasya had to endlessly look up at the sky whenever he stood close. The streetlight pouring over Karel’s head made it difficult to see his expression.

“Is it really okay if I kiss someone?”

Contradicting his earlier statement that he wasn’t asking for permission, Sasya immediately posed a conflicting question.

“Of course.”

And Sasya was shocked by Karel’s light, airy agreement.

“Why…?”

“Why, you ask… I’m not sure what you’re trying to get at with such questions.”

Karel frowned while stroking his chin. It seemed to be his habit to cup his large hand around his chin and stroke its slightly rough surface where stubble had begun to appear. Without thinking, Sasya rose on his tiptoes and reached out to touch his chin as well. His thin, soft, and moist hand intertwined with Karel’s. A rare different light appeared in Karel’s expression.

And Sasya, who had suddenly touched Karel’s chin, felt satisfied. Though it looked smooth on the surface, perhaps because it was late at night, he could feel the slight stubble under his fingertips.

“Why? Why is it okay to kiss someone? A great dancer… has many things he can’t do. I have zero points for character, bad relationships, and I beat up my friend and sent him to France… So why are you okay with me kissing someone? Why?”

Sasya said this as he fell forward. His forehead hit Karel’s rock-solid chest with a thud.

And just before Sasya could collapse to the ground, he felt Karel catch him firmly by both arms. Strangely, his vision was spinning and he felt dizzy. “Haah…” When he let out a deep breath, hot air poured from his mouth.

“Oh… Was what you drank actually alcohol?”

“Why? Why don’t you stop me? If I were Karel and Karel were Sasya, I would have opposed it. Because ballet alone isn’t enough…! Why do you say it’s okay? Why?”

Already drunk, his pronunciation of ‘why, why’ sounded more like ‘we, we,’ but Sasya didn’t realize it.

“Why, you ask? Because I’ve already done it with someone else.”

“What…?”

Sasya looked up at Karel with an ‘Eh?’ He was looking down at Sasya with a slightly furrowed expression.

“I’m fair.”

Sasya opened his mouth slightly and stared endlessly at Karel. A violent shock passed through the back of his head.

“…Ah…”

As his trembling knees wobbled slightly, Karel caught Sasya again with his firm arms. Even just the slight swaying of his vision made his head throb. Sasya shook his head weakly while holding the side of his head.

“My head hurts…”

“That’s because you drank alcohol.”

“I can’t walk…”

When Sasya spoke in a trembling voice, Karel kindly turned his back and extended his hand.

“Shall I carry you?”

“No need!”

Sasya shook his head and acted stubborn. He wanted to kick Karel in the butt.

Of course, it wasn’t that he didn’t want to be carried on those broad shoulders, but for some inexplicable feeling of betrayal, his heart ached and he wanted to reject him as much as possible. As Sasya pushed Karel’s hand away and struggled, he stumbled backward and hit his back against a tree.

“Ah…”

The moment he groaned in pain from his back, Karel suddenly came closer.

“Then I’ll carry you.”

“Huh?”

And Sasya’s vision flipped upside down in an instant. It seemed that until just now, Karel had only been playing along with Sasya’s playful punches when he was pushed away. Once he made up his mind to lift Sasya, there was no way to win against his physical strength.

Something acidic refluxed in Sasya’s esophagus as his upper abdomen pressed against Karel’s solid shoulder. Suddenly being lifted upside down, Sasya almost retched, ‘ugh’, and pounded Karel’s back with his fists. The alcohol was making him irritable.

However, Karel continued taking large strides as if he hadn’t been hit at all. It was clear how slowly he had been walking earlier to match Sasya’s pace. The ground swayed and wobbled in sync with Karel’s quick steps.

“I weigh 45 kilos… Put me down.”

Sasya squirmed and mumbled against Karel’s nape. Sasya’s voice, mixed with his breath, tickled Karel’s neck.

In his drunken, blurry vision, Sasya could clearly see the white shirt collar wrapped around Karel’s neck like armor, the smooth skin of his nape, and the dense golden hair covering his neck. Every time Sasya murmured, small goosebumps rose on that nape.

Without realizing it, Sasya reached out to trace the surface of that skin.

“Put me down…”

No matter how much Sasya pleaded to be put down, Karel simply ignored him.

“My ear is so ticklish I can barely stand it.”

Thinking that Karel might throw him onto the street if he sneezed from the tickling sensation in his ear caused by Sasya’s mumbling, Sasya clung tightly to his neck and shoulders.

His body, which had been upside down, had somehow slid forward and ended up in a position where he was being held face-to-face like a baby.

Feeling warm and comfortable, Sasya nuzzled against his warm, dry neck, rubbing his eyes against it.

“Am I not heavy…?”

“You’re light as a feather. 100 pounds, you say? I could probably devour that much meat in a week.”

In his hazy mind, Sasya thought Karel’s jokes were difficult to understand. Then suddenly, imagining Karel dissecting and devouring him with a knife, he shuddered.

Whether it was his imagination or not, the path to the hotel lobby seemed unfamiliar. And it wasn’t Sasya’s imagination. Instead of using the private door guarded by Michael, Karel went down to the basement through the bar’s entrance. Then he took the elevator connected from the basement to the 23rd floor, and switched to the elevator that connected to the penthouse.

Not understanding why he was taking this troublesome route to his nest, Sasya just thought he was happy to be held by Karel for longer.

“We’re here.”

When the warm halogen light of the entrance hall touched his eyelids, Karel whispered.

Even without him saying so, Sasya could tell by the sound of the door closing as soon as he entered. Afraid that he would put him down, Sasya clung more tightly to Karel’s neck.

Seeming to understand his gesture of not wanting to let go, Karel kept holding Sasya while removing the boy’s worn Converse shoes one by one. After taking off the dirty Converse that had been worn all over the streets, he carefully placed them at the entrance and headed to the living room.

Then, holding Sasya with one arm and showing no sign of strain, he spread out the bedding where Sasya always slept, patting it down.

“Now it’s time to sleep.”

“…”

“You’ve cried, had a massage, and drunk alcohol, so you should fall asleep quickly tonight.”

“…”

“Ah, you might feel a bit sore after getting a massage. It’s nothing strange, so if your body starts to ache, loosen your muscles with warm water.”

He’s such a kind sponsor.

Sasya rubbed his forehead against Karel’s neck. He was 32. He had lived exactly twice as long as Sasya had lived. It would have been stranger if someone like him hadn’t had any past lovers. It was natural and obvious, and yet…

But as soon as that thought crossed his mind, Sasya’s heart rate suddenly increased. It was due to an overwhelming sense of jealousy, but Sasya didn’t understand why he suddenly felt short of breath.

At the same time, Karel, who was supporting Sasya’s back with his hand, noticed the violent heartbeat resonating through the small body. He asked with a puzzled expression.

“Why is your heart suddenly beating so fast?”

“I’m angry…”

“You don’t have tachycardia, do you?”

Karel touched Sasya’s fluttering chest with his fingertips. Not knowing what tachycardia was and finding his touch annoying, Sasya swatted his arm away.

“It’s unfair that I’m the only one drunk.”

Karel just chuckled at Sasya’s grumbling.

“Hurry up and drink more… Get drunk too.”

“What are you planning to do by getting me drunk too?”

“Then we’ll be embarrassed together.”

“I see you’re aware that your current drunken behavior is embarrassing?”

While scolding him, Karel slightly pinched and wiggled Sasya’s nose. Sasya, afraid that Karel would find him annoying and push him away, clung to him again.

However, far from pushing him away, Karel just gently patted Sasya’s thin back. It seemed he intended to do this until Sasya fell asleep.

Feeling a bit more at ease, Sasya comfortably leaned into his embrace.

“Will you hold me tighter?”

“…”

“Even my mother hasn’t held me like this. Not since I was a very small baby… But my brother would hold me sometimes. When he held me tight enough for our hearts to touch, it felt so warm and tingly, and I loved it.”

“It seems what my sponsored student needs right now isn’t a home or money… but affection.”

At those words, Sasya nodded slightly.

Usually, he would have denied it out of embarrassment, but today for some reason, he just wanted to agree. He wanted to act childish. Perhaps it was because the more he threw tantrums and the more troublesome he became, the more he came to completely trust his sponsor who remained kind and patted his back. The belief that he wouldn’t abandon him…

“I wish you would stay and sleep, Mr. Clements.”

“…”

“I want to sleep while being held like this.”

Instead of answering, Karel slowly stroked Sasya’s head. He only muttered, “Why did you suddenly change from Karel to Mr. Clements?”

A large hand gently touched the back of his head. As the careful touch stroked his head, parting the thin hair and cradling his small skull, Sasya squirmed a little. He wanted to cling to him more and more.

“Your birthday is next month, right?”

Instead of answering, Karel asked a question instead. Sasya nodded and completely wrapped his legs around the waist of the annoying Karel who wouldn’t give a clear answer about staying over. His slim, long legs hidden in jogger pants firmly squeezed Karel’s waist. Karel’s hand that had been stroking Sasya’s head hesitated. Sasya, unbothered, pressed his waist against Karel’s stomach as if trying to stick to it.

At the same time, Sasya congratulated himself on having a good idea. This way, even if Karel tried to leave this room, he would have to take Sasya with him.

“…Tell me… what birthday present you’d like.”

At his question, Sasya recalled the things he wished for.

Enough time for a vacation and money for his mother to come stay in New York without worry, submitting at least a video test for this year’s Lausanne Competition, and a future where after winning the competition, countless ballet companies would be eyeing him, allowing him to choose and join whichever company he wanted…

But more than anything else.

“I want Karel to live here.”

“…”

“It wouldn’t even cost any money…”

“…”

“Right? I won’t ask for much. I’m not a greedy kid… But I don’t want just a birthday card. No, a card is fine too. But I’ve already received that…”

Sasya said this while pulling Karel closer with force from his side. He could only feel the rhythmic patting on his back. Sasya resented Karel for trying to put him to sleep without answering.

And shortly after, Sasya tried to force his heavily closing eyes open but soon drifted off to sleep. His arms that had been tightly holding Karel’s neck fell limp. Karel carefully lifted the sleeping boy and laid him on the bed.

“Good night.”

After a brief kiss on his forehead, the living room lights went out.

• **

When he opened his eyes the next day, Karel was gone.

He must have put him to sleep and escaped in the meantime to his ‘own home’ that he loved so much. To his real home that Sasya didn’t even know where it was. Feeling somehow wronged, Sasya rolled around restlessly on the bed.

“Oh…”

However, at the end of his fist that had been beating the blanket, Sasya felt the texture of something rustling. It didn’t take long to realize it was a note Karel had left behind.

“Wow…”

Sasya gently stroked the paper where he could feel the pressure of the pen. The note with the hotel logo printed on it had been indeed placed on the living room table. After rolling around on the bed for a while, basking in happiness, Sasya jumped up and went to the bathroom. He splashed water everywhere on the sink as he washed his face aggressively. Before going to school, he downed a glass of kale and apple juice and practically inhaled an omelet.

Just because Karel had kept his promise, energy surged through his entire body. It felt like he couldn’t handle this energy without running. While trying to calm his thumping heart with deep breaths, Sasya put on clothes that smelled of fabric softener. As soon as he slipped his feet into worn canvas sneakers, Sasya headed outside. Even inside the elevator, he anxiously jogged in place, completely ignoring Michael, who greeted him with a morning hello. His black hair swung lively as he ran.

Sasya ran all the way to Lincoln Center without stopping. He passed countless men in fancy suits and rushed past a celebrity who was just leaving his hotel surrounded by paparazzi. As he got closer to Lincoln Center, the surroundings became quieter, and as he headed deeper toward the school building, he started seeing his classmates here and there.

“Sasya Shchedrin!”

Hearing someone calling him from somewhere, Sasya barely managed to stop right in front of the stairs. As he grabbed the stair railing while panting, his breath finally came out as if he was about to cough up his heart. While he was coughing repeatedly, Oksana came running lightly.

「What’s going on so early in the morning? Did you catch a lung disease?」

「What are you talking about? I just ran.」

Sasya answered quickly while frowning. He could see José passing by in the distance, glancing this way. He had a rather wary expression.

‘Was José interested in Oksana too?’

While thinking that, Oksana led Sasya to the back of the building. Upon arriving, he realized it was where they had discussed their ‘first kiss date’ recently. Sasya suddenly rummaged through his bag and took out the new phone, still neatly packed in its box. When he turned it on, the date and time immediately caught his eye. There was still some time left until morning class.

「It’s new?」

Thinking he must have been distracted by the new phone while having a girl right in front of him, Oksana’s eyes turned sharp. Sasya was nodding when he asked as if suddenly remembering something.

「Oksana, what do you think about fair relationships?」

「Fair relationships?」

「You said last time that you were ‘concerned’ because I hadn’t kissed before. If we were to kiss, it would be your first kiss and my first kiss too… But what would you think if I had already kissed someone else? Would that be better for you? Or would it be unfair? Is it better for kisses to be fair?」

Sasya asked while rambling. Oksana openly frowned and made a face showing she didn’t understand.

「What does that matter? It’s not like I really like you anyway.」

「…Yeah…」

That seemed to make sense too. Sasya awkwardly touched the back of his head.

「But why are you suddenly saying this? Did someone tell you something like that?」

「Yeah. Yesterday they said that… since they’ve already had his first kiss, they wouldn’t mind if I kissed someone else too. That it would be fair…」

「What? Do you have a girlfriend?」

Sasya shook his head in surprise.

「You’re ‘deceiving’ me when you have a girl who talks to you like that?」

「It’s not a girl! And not my girlfriend either!」

When Oksana suddenly became fierce, Sasya shook his head several times while panicking. Seeing Sasya flustering, Oksana quickly calmed down. Sasya watched Oksana’s reaction carefully, thinking it was fortunate.

「So someone who’s not even dating you is saying things like that? That’s a ‘push and pull’ technique… It seems like they’re playing with you.」

「What? That can’t be…」

「Think about it if you have a brain. They’re raising their own value by talking like that. The goal is to make you desperate.」

「Why would they want to make me desperate?」

「Because they want to hear you say you like them first.」

「Really…?」

Oksana’s words were logical, but Sasya found them hard to believe.

Karel wasn’t a woman, and he had no reason to play ‘push and pull’ with him… Everything Oksana said felt unrealistic and like a wrong analogy.

“That person is an adult.”

At Sasya’s blurted words, Oksana’s eyes sparkled with interest. Sasya, who considered an ‘adult’ as a romantic interest, appeared somewhat different in her eyes. It seemed to explain why he didn’t mix well with his peers and was indifferent to childish pranks.

「There’s no reason for them to play such games…」

「Why? You never know about these things.」

「They’re over thirty.」

Oksana made a disgusted sound and muttered, ‘That’s practically a grandma!’

At those words, Sasya became dejected, and naturally, silence fell between the two. He came to his senses when he realized there were only 7 minutes left until morning class. Vadim would already be prowling around the practice room, checking with eagle eyes the students who were stretching.

“We’re late!”

Oksana ran straight to the practice room, while Sasya, who hadn’t even put on his tights yet, hurriedly went into the locker room.

Fortunately, he managed to get to the practice room right on time and find his spot. While avoiding Vadim’s sharp gaze that pierced his face, Sasya quietly stood in the remaining space.

“Now, plié. Demi plié, demi plié, repeat twice. And grand plié deeply… Up, stretch forward…”

While Vadim was reciting the plié sequence, Sasya fell into thought again.

Oksana’s speculation still felt unrealistic. However, one small change was blooming in Sasya’s heart.

He kept remembering Karel’s firm body that he had touched under the influence of alcohol last night, and the sensation of his dry yet warm neck. The way he had patted him to sleep with his large, heavy hands, and how he had gently pressed and massaged his ears and neck…

“Other side!”

At Vadim’s words, Sasya mechanically did a sostenu turn, and his cheeks were flushed pink.

• **

All day long, Sasya was unusually preoccupied with one thought. Of course, Sasya, at sixteen, was always full of worries. Concerns about his current skill level, whether he could become a dancer who could earn enough to support himself in the future—those were the usual ones.

However, the thought that captured Sasya today was somewhat different from his recent worries.

It was about his relationship with a specific person.

He wondered what kind of existence he was to Karel Clements.

As far as Sasya was aware, this was his first experience like this outside of family. A very long time ago, Sasya had wondered what kind of existence he was to his father. He wanted to know why his father, who would hurl verbal abuse at his youngest son like ‘burden,’ ‘food waste,’ and ‘defective failure’ hated him so much. Much later, after learning that having him had been unplanned, he could somewhat understand that hatred.

He had also wondered how his mother thought of him. When Sasya would chatter about what had happened to him that day, his mother Galina would show no reaction with an indifferent and tired expression. Naturally, Sasya became less talkative, and like the classmates who ostracized him for being annoying, he thought she also found him bothersome.

However, his mother couldn’t stand by anymore watching Sasya being abused by his father and went through with divorcing him. So at least she must value him more than his father did, Sasya had reached that conclusion.

For a while, Sasya thought a lot about what he meant to his brother Levin, who had run away from home unable to endure his father’s violence anymore. His brother had said he loved him. He told him that he cherished him more than anything in the world and hoped Sasya wouldn’t inherit the pain he had experienced.

The day before leaving home, his brother bought Sasya, who had just turned ten, a bag of cookies and hugged him so tightly that his fragile chest almost crushed. At that time, his brother was crying silently. Sasya could only tell because his shoulder felt hot and damp.

And the next day, his brother left, leaving behind Sasya, who had fallen asleep inside his bundled blanket after eating cookies, trying not to get caught by his parents, with cookie crumbs scattered around.

And he never came back.

Sasya still wondered. How much did his brother love him? Was there at least as much affection as a bag of cookies? Did he think he could abandon Sasya if it meant he could escape that hell forever?

Anyway, Karel was the first person outside of his family that made Sasya contemplate how someone else thought about him.

Even while getting his food in the cafeteria where theater staff ate lunch, surrounded by much taller adults, Sasya was lost in thought. Someone sitting across from him might have asked to eat together, but Sasya didn’t respond, absent-mindedly moving his spoon.

It was the same during regular classes. Although Sasya wasn’t interested in studying, he always watched the blackboard intently. He sat straight with his ballet-trained posture, always observing the teacher. Above all, he liked the sound of chalk writing on the blackboard, and found it fascinating how teachers could talk almost non-stop for 50 minutes.

However, that day, he couldn’t even tell what he had been looking at. Even though his eyes were open, all he could see was Karel’s face.

After finishing the last class of the afternoon, Character Dance, Sasya walked out into the noisy hallway. Much slower than the other students who were heading to the dormitory in groups or going out for dinner.

With his hands in his stretched-out pockets, he left school and headed toward the plaza. Water fountains were beautifully shooting up in Lincoln Center Plaza as the sunset approached.

‘I need time alone.’

Lost in thought, Sasya crossed beyond Lincoln Center and headed into Central Park. For some reason, today he wanted to sit and look at the lake.

However, that plan ultimately failed. Even after multiple visits, Sasya still hadn’t learned the geography of Central Park’s interior and ended up just walking wherever his feet took him, never reaching the large lake. Sasya was only wandering around the southernmost path of the park on the map. In the end, all Sasya found was a small pond where a few ducks were swimming.

Unable to find peace on the paths crowded with pedestrians and tourists, Sasya gave up looking for the lake and climbed onto a large rock. Lying against the rock that had been warmed by the sun during the day made him drowsy.

In his view were the tall buildings that lined Central Park like a fence, looking down at the park. Among them, he could see the window of the hotel where he was staying.

With sleepy eyes, Sasya looked up at the top floor of the hotel, searching for the familiar window. Indeed, he could see the window where the ballet barre was faintly visible. Originally, it would have been difficult to notice the barre, but he could spot it because he knew what to look for.

Just as Sasya’s heart was warming to the thought that there was at least one space for him in this strange land…

“Uh…”

Sasya suddenly sat up straight. If he wasn’t mistaken, something was faintly moving by the window. The strap of his sports bag that had been resting on his shoulder fell to the ground.

Who’s that?

I don’t have the private lesson with Ms. Brown today.

Although he had been planning to go home as late as possible because he didn’t want to be alone, if someone was there, that changed things. Sasya quickly jumped down from the rock while fixing his fallen bag strap. As Sasya slid down the rock like a squirrel and finally landed with a thump on the grass, the impact shot through his feet. If he hadn’t instinctively bent his knees in a plié, the shock would have traveled up to his spine.

Bouncing back up like a high-performance spring, Sasya quickly escaped through the Central Park exit toward Fifth Avenue.

Once he entered the familiar path from Fifth Avenue, the hotel was right there. Passing by the doorman who automatically opened the door, Sasya headed to the private door where Michael was waiting as usual. The elevator happened to be on the first floor, so Sasya pressed the button right away.

“The elevator might be a bit messy, but it’ll be cleaned up soon. Don’t be surprised.”

“The elevator?”

Michael showed his white teeth in a grin. At the same time, the elevator doors opened.

As Sasya stepped inside, he discovered that all four walls of the elevator were covered with blue cushions to prevent friction.

Sasya’s heart pounded with a premonition, though he couldn’t exactly tell why.

Then, as soon as he reached the floor where Sasya’s room was, the doors opened with a chime. Sasya noticed that the corridor he entered was also covered with dark gray non-woven fabric. Deliberately stepping on the fabric, Sasya approached the door and held up his key card.

With a small noise, the door unlocked. Sasya pulled the handle and opened the door.

“Mr. Cle…ments.”

The door closed silently behind the dazed Sasya. In the middle of the living room, which looked quite different from when he had left that morning, stood Karel.

“Karel.”

At Sasya’s call, Karel turned around. Wearing a light gray three-piece suit that matched well with his blonde hair, Karel turned to look at him with his hands in his pockets. Although there were several workers and George beside him, Sasya could only see Karel.

“Welcome back. You’re early today.”

Even such an ordinary greeting made his heart flutter. Sasya hastily kicked off his shoes and ran to him in bare feet, not even putting on slippers.

As Sasya ran across the living room, he thought about wanting to jump up and hang onto Karel’s neck. Then, just like last night, Karel would catch him without even swaying and hold him tight. He wanted to act spoiled with him to his heart’s content. Even then, Karel wouldn’t mock him for acting like a child.

However, for some unknown reason, Sasya’s steps slowed as he approached the middle of the living room, his heart shrinking. It was because some reason had kicked in once the effects of alcohol had worn off.

Moreover, by the time he stopped in front of Karel, his legs were practically trembling.

“I didn’t know you’d be here.”

Sasya awkwardly covered his cracking voice with a fake cough. Karel turned toward the living room with a faint smile, as if suggesting Sasya should check it out.

“You must have gotten used to the arrangement, I’m sorry. I made some changes.”

“I don’t mind.”

Where Sasya’s nest had been, made from bundled blankets, there was now a large queen-size bed positioned to have a good view. There was an antique-style lamp within reach to illuminate the surroundings, and even a movable table that could be pushed away or pulled close to the bed for having breakfast while sitting.

And around it were various items whose purposes Sasya couldn’t identify: a large golden trumpet, electronic devices that looked like he belonged in the 90s, and dark wooden boxes scattered here and there.

No way, no way!

Sasya’s heart pounded heavily. Sasya pressed his hand firmly against his chest. His heart was beating irregularly with what might be called tachycardia or whatever it was.

“I was planning to move in when I had some free time, but the dates weren’t working out. Today I moved some things in, but I’ll actually move in about a week from now. …Oh, why that expression?”

“Karel.”

Sasya called his name, panting. Not crying was the maximum emotional control Sasya could manage.

Then he trudged over and clung to Karel’s waist, hugging him tightly.

“Thank you for the birthday present.”

As Sasya pressed his forehead against him, his fine hair scattered messily against Karel’s shirt front. Instead of hugging Sasya back, Karel casually ran his hand through the much shorter boy’s hair and replied.

“I thought I was the only one who remembered since you didn’t look too good.”

“No, no…”

“You were drunk back then.”

“No. I remember everything. But I’ll never drink alcohol again, ever.”

Karel just laughed at Sasya’s mumbling.

At that moment, George, who had been helping arrange things with the workers, came close and asked.

“Where should we put the phonograph?”

“Over there by the table would be good.”

“Should we put it right against the table? Or leave some space?”

At George’s question, Karel gently shook off Sasya and headed in that direction.

“Since it has a beautiful shape and it’s decorative, let’s place it a bit away from the corner so it’s visible, but not right in the corner.”

Feeling sulky that the phonograph or whatever seemed more important than hugging him, Sasya watched the direction Karel had walked.

“Will you actually use it? If you want to play it, we’ll need to call someone to set it up.”

“Hmm. Let’s do that tomorrow.”

Following carefully behind Karel, Sasya realized that what he had seen earlier as a huge golden trumpet was called a ‘phonograph.’ Karel had great interest in old things and owned many curious items. Although it was a machine Sasya didn’t even know how to use, thinking that it was something Karel cared enough about to bring when moving made him somewhat interested too. He thought he might try touching it a bit when Karel wasn’t around.

The workers and George left after the sun had completely set. Sasya held his anxious heart, worried that Karel might leave with them.

However, fortunately, Karel seemed to be planning to stay for dinner.

“Sit down.”

With one phone call from Karel, a luxurious dinner was sent up within 30 minutes. It was completely different from the meals Sasya usually ordered, rotating through the room service menu.

There was a simple herring dish braised in olive oil with fennel, sautéed scallops with broccoli, and tender, juicy lamb chops. In front of wide-eyed Sasya, Karel spread plenty of quality cream cheese on lightly toasted rye bread as an appetizer and offered it to him.

“Ah, it tastes even better with this on top.”

Just as Sasya was about to bite into the bread with cream cheese with an ‘ahh,’ a cherry tomato slightly pickled in vinegar suddenly rolled into his open mouth. Karel had timed it perfectly to roll it into Sasya’s open mouth.

When he chewed the food Karel had pushed in before he could stop him, the fresh cherry tomato burst in his mouth. It was a harmonious taste he had never experienced before.

Sasya answered while chewing,

“It’s delicious. Really delicious.”

Karel, who had been watching Sasya munching on the bread, ate his own bread with cherry tomato in the same way. Thinking that they were eating the same food in the same way made warmth quickly fill Sasya’s heart.

What kind of existence am I to Karel?

Am I someone he wants to teach how to eat delicious food?

Someone he’d willingly give a birthday present to if asked?

What if, by any chance, I made an incredibly difficult request?

Would he then find me annoying and bothersome and brush me off like dust?

In Sasya’s heart, there coexisted the desire to test what kind of existence he was to Karel and the reluctance to take such a risk. The question he had been pondering all day since hearing Oksana’s words surfaced again.

Having Karel in front of him while trying to think about him, Sasya couldn’t take his eyes off Karel even while eating. He was so focused on Karel while eating with his gaze fixed on him, the area around Sasya’s plate was once again surrounded with spilled food.

In contrast, Karel ate cleanly with efficient movements, immediately wiping any trace of sauce from his lips with a napkin. When Sasya unconsciously followed suit and wiped his lips with a napkin, he was shocked to see how dirty his napkin had become compared to Karel’s, and hid it on his lap.

“Uhm, Mr. Clements?”

Suddenly wanting to be formal, Sasya called him respectfully. Unconsciously, he wanted to imitate adults’ proper dates.

“Yes?”

“When was your first kiss?”

“Hmm…”

At Sasya’s question, Karel put down his utensils and stroked his chin. Sasya’s heart started pounding heavily again.

“Is this an exchange of information?”

“Eh?”

“You shared when you will have your first kiss with me so I thought… you meant you wanted me to tell you mine too.”

Hearing it put that way made sense, so Sasya nodded vigorously.

“Unfortunately, I don’t remember.”

“Really? I can’t believe it.”

“It was too long ago. I think I was about your age now.”

“How can you not remember?”

“Hmm… Perhaps because I didn’t attach much significance to it.”

“Wow…”

Sasya felt deep respect for him, finding him very adult-like for having casually gotten his first kiss over with. Then Sasya asked another thing he was curious about. Somehow, it felt like today he might answer many things.

“What kind of person do you like, Karel?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know, people you’re attracted to. Like feeling sexual desire… or wanting to kiss.”

Wanting to act as adult as Karel, Sasya imitated the words that José always used. José would always talk loudly about how the brain and lower body were separate things, going on about sexual desire. While the girls would frown at this, Karel would understand since he was a man.

“Sexual desire?”

Karel made a subtle expression and crossed his arms. His biceps bulged slightly as he let out a soft sigh.

“Everyone knows it, so I suppose there’s no need to hide it.”

Karel muttered that, then continued,

“Black hair, white skin. And someone who is physically trained.”

Listening carefully and unconsciously nodding with an ‘Ah…’ Sasya suddenly realized something.

“Like me?”

Perhaps the question was too hasty. Karel remained silent instead of answering. Feeling a bit embarrassed, Sasya fiddled with his hair.

“Just that I thought I was somewhat similar…”

“I like mature people.”

Karel drew a sharp line.

“Mature… mature?”

Sasya looked at Karel while rolling that word around in his mouth.

Even though it was a word he knew well, its exact meaning didn’t quite register. Figuring out the precise definition of words had always been difficult for Sasya. Even when speaking his native language, Sasya had a pitiful vocabulary, often communicating with just around 500 words.

Karel smoothly continued, as if to help with understanding a little,

“Yes. Mature, someone who knows his own charm well, has confidence that comes from having a firm position… like a finished piece of craftsmanship… I like that kind of person.”

“Craftsmanship?”

Vadim had said that being a dancer was a profession of crafting the raw stone of the human body into a jewel. He had also said that the essence of ballet was obsessing until the end about what lines your body creates. Then perhaps there might be some possibility for himself, being a ballet dancer.

Touching his ear, Sasya asked again:

“What about… you said you like physically trained people? Why did that drop out?”

At Sasya’s question, Karel shrugged.

“That’s not a preference, it’s a requirement.”

“Why?”

“Because that’s what it takes to endure.”

“…?”

Filled with questions, Sasya lowered his gaze back to his plate.

One thing was clear: the ‘maturity’ Karel defined was a word far removed from himself. Sasya’s jaw gradually slowed as he mechanically chewed his food with round eyes.

“Sixteen, huh. Right, that’s the age when you’re curious about such things.”

Saying this, Karel indirectly generalized and packaged Sasya’s unique, somewhat rude way of speaking. Feeling a faint sense of his considerate yet not-so-considerate care, Sasya grew sulky. Instinctively, he felt Karel was trying to block having deeper conversations.

“Is that so? Yes… I guess so. José talks about this kind of thing all day.”

“Right. If you have any questions, feel free to ask anytime. Think of it as asking your ‘big brother.'”

“Yes…”

“I suppose it’s better than satisfying curiosity in strange ways.”

Also, the moment Karel positioned himself as a ‘big brother,’ Sasya felt the conversation became uninteresting for some reason.

Having lost interest in this topic, Sasya tried to recall the recent context of how they’d arrived at this conversation. Though it might have been a misunderstanding, Karel seemed to give answers that slightly missed the point of what was asked. The most obvious example was when Sasya asked about sexual desire, and Karel somehow smoothly transformed it into a discussion about ideal types.

While Sasya was lost in thought, Karel pushed back his chair and left the table.

Had he already finished dinner? For someone who claimed he could devour 100 pounds of meat in a week, he seemed to have an unusually small appetite.

Looking at the still-warm food left abundantly on the table, Sasya thought he might have talked too much. Having few friends might be because he talked too much during meals, making others tired, or making conversations awkward with out of place topics.

He had always been careful about this… but around Karel, he got excited. Bad habits kept emerging. Feeling disgusted with himself, Sasya put down his dinner spoon while keeping even his breathing quiet.

“Why are you finishing dinner already? Are you full?”

Karel returned with a dark green wine bottle in his hand, looking completely natural.

“Are… are you going to drink?”

“I think sparkling wine would go well with the food.”

Saying this, Karel sat back down and poured wine into an elegant glass. The dark green bottle resembled Karel’s eye color in darkness, and the clear pale yellow liquid in the glass was the same color as the light that bloomed in his iris when sunlight hit it. Small bubbles boiled along the bottle before settling. Sasya unconsciously swallowed his saliva.

“Will you continue eating?”

“Of course. I haven’t even started.”

“I’m not finished either.”

Sasya gripped his spoon again with renewed fighting spirit.

Just having Karel sit across from him again energized Sasya, who took a big bite of the herring. This was a fish he often ate in his homeland, but the luxurious texture without any small bones was surprising. Meanwhile, Karel cut up a large piece of lamb chop and offered the carefully deboned meat to Sasya.

“You need to consume lots of good protein. That’s how you improve your muscle quality.”

“Muscle quality?”

“I mean the quality of muscles. The strength to extend is important for dancers, isn’t it?”

“Wow. How do you know so much? Thank you for being so thoughtful.”

“This much investment is nothing for a future outstanding dancer.”

Karel took a sip of wine with a smiling eyes.

And during dinner, Karel finished the entire bottle of wine by himself. Without offering even a single glass to Sasya.

• **

That day, Karel said he would stay over, which made Sasya jump with joy. But then, Karel immediately added that he would use the master bedroom, not just today but also after he fully moved in, which immediately crushed Sasya’s mood.

Sasya cautiously tried to reason with him.

“The bed in the living room is very big too.”

“Yes. I ordered a big bed so you could sleep comfortably.”

But Karel was a man with absolutely no openings when it came to logical attacks.

Sasya wished there would be thunder and lightning right now. Then he could sneak into his bed, saying he was too scared to sleep because of the rain sounds and sky-splitting lightning. Even Sasya needed that level of excuse when not drunk.

Whether aware of Sasya’s thoughts or not, Karel looked around the hotel room once and pointed to one of the bathrooms.

“I’ll use that bathroom. Would that be inconvenient?”

Karel’s posture was slightly tilted as he held a neatly folded white towel, preparing to wash up.

“…Use whichever you like.”

“It might be troublesome if it overlaps with where you usually go.”

“It’s fine. I use anywhere, so you can use anywhere too, Karel.”

As if trying to soothe the somehow sulky Sasya, Karel gently stroked his head once more before heading to the bathroom. Sasya shook his head while watching his back. His straight, flowing hair fell softly along his round head.

And Karel entered the bathroom within Sasya’s sight without removing a single piece of clothing, keeping even his buttons fully fastened. It was a rigid appearance complete with a vest.

Sasya, who had secretly been curious about seeing a fully matured adult’s naked body, became dejected. He had been a bit curious about Karel’s naked body, which had muscles thicker and larger than those of dancers comparable to boxers. He wondered if the skin hidden under clothes was smooth like the exposed parts, and if his body hair was also golden.

‘But since we’ll be living together, there will be plenty of opportunities anytime.’

While having such brazen thoughts, Sasya repeatedly walked from one end of the living room to the other.

Then one idea occurred to Sasya.

Just before, Karel’s walk to the bathroom was slow and somewhat unstable. Moreover, his eyelids covering kind eyes seemed slightly reddened, and his eyes appeared bloodshot. This must be because he drank an entire bottle of wine during dinner earlier.

Sasya walked to the cellar as if entranced and brought out another bottle of wine. He was curious about what would happen if Karel drank more.

Simultaneously, a scene Sasya had unintentionally witnessed shortly after arriving here unfolded in his mind. A black-haired man with skin as pale as a vampire’s. That thief who had emptied Karel’s wallet while saying ‘jackpot’ had whispered ‘darling’ into the drunk and sleeping Karel’s ear.

If he hadn’t stopped him then, what would have happened after…? Sasya couldn’t contain his curiosity. That man surely met Karel’s criteria for ‘arousing sexual desire.’ Was he physically fit? Although he wasn’t certain about that, he was definitely tall and appeared sturdy.

Imagining two adult men embracing made Sasya’s body strangely tremble, so he went to his new bed in the living room and curled up. Come to think of it, his lower half had become stiff at some point, making it uncomfortable to walk.

After a while, Karel came out of the bathroom and found Sasya already lying in bed covered with a blanket.

“Going to sleep already?”

“Mm… not really, but kind of.”

Mumbling a response, Sasya watched Karel walk toward the phonograph. Indeed, Karel’s steps were slower than usual. Moreover, his ears and nape seemed slightly flushed red. It must be from the remaining alcohol effects combined with the warm water.

“Have you never seen one of these?”

Sasya just nodded silently in response. The blanket made a rustling sound instead.

“It’s a machine that can play music. Quite high-end. In the past, listening to music with this was all the entertainment they had, if you can imagine how limited their options were.”

“Does it make sound?”

“It needs to be set up.”

“Is it expensive?”

“It’s hard to put a price on it. If someone wants it, they might pay a very high price, but to those who don’t need it, it’s just junk.”

“Did you buy it at a high price, Karel?”

“I inherited it.”

At his tone suggesting he got it for free, Sasya stared at him intently. Despite that implication, Karel was caressing the phonograph’s mechanism with quite affectionate hands.

“Someday when this item’s real owner appears, I’ll gladly hand it over.”

After making this puzzling statement, Karel headed toward the sofa where Sasya was lying. As always, it seemed he would do some light work or pass time until Sasya fell asleep.

And Karel, wearing a robe and sitting on the sofa, soon discovered the bottle placed side by side on the side table.

“Did you put this here?”

“Yes…”

Sasya blushed. While Karel was washing up, he had placed a bottle of wine and a glass on the side table next to the sofa. It was similar to the wine Karel had emptied earlier.

“I’ve never asked you to be my secretary… Where did this come from?”

“There are many in that small refrigerator.”

Sasya raised himself slightly and pointed to the wine cellar. Karel examined the newly taken bottle front and back, then smiled slightly.

“Like leaving a cat to watch the fish shop.”

“…?”

“It seems you intend to taste some alcohol.”

“…”

“Am I wrong?”

To Karel’s question, Sasya boldly refuted.

“No? That wasn’t my intention at all. I absolutely didn’t have such thoughts. Just… I wanted Karel to drink it.”

“…”

“Please have lots of delicious things. And sleep well.”

Karel observed the wine bottle, and after realizing it could be opened by hand, lightly twisted off the cap. Then he did something that startled Sasya. He brought the bottle directly to his lips without a glass and tilted his head back to taste it.

The distinctly masculine thick Adam’s apple moved prominently along the smooth neckline. Sasya was easily captivated by that movement.

“…Mr. Clements, you drunkard.”

At Sasya’s words, Karel furrowed his brow. Sasya shrank a bit but believed Karel’s expression was due to the wine’s aftertaste rather than because of him.

“What exactly are you planning to do while I’m asleep?”

Saying this, Karel strode over to the bed. Then he flicked Sasya’s chubby cheek with one finger and pulled the blanket up to cover Sasya’s completely stiffened neck.

“Good night.”

Sasya quietly looked up at Karel while hiding his pounding heart under the cozy blanket. Karel, who was about to turn his back and leave the bedside, seemed to read that gaze and gently turned back to Sasya.

Sasya desperately, very desperately wished he would give him a goodnight kiss.

And as if their minds were connected, Karel came closer and bent down.

He brushed aside the disheveled hair on his forehead with his hot palm and pressed down with dry lips.

This time, Sasya didn’t close his eyes. He wanted to observe his face up close.

If there was something new he learned when his lips touched his forehead, it was that Karel doesn’t close his eyes when giving goodnight kisses.

His deep green eyes, so close, seemed to swallow the darkness of the night, with faint amber streaks shimmering in his irises.

Feeling as if those eyes were piercing through them, Sasya ended up tightly closing his eyes.

“…Good night.”

Karel’s tightly closed voice followed, and his breath tickled Sasya’s forehead.

“Karel.”

Sasya impulsively raised himself and clung to Karel’s nape. Karel’s back muscles twitched, becoming more sharply defined as he supported Sasya’s weight.

As Karel, who had to bend forward significantly because of Sasya clinging to him, supported himself by leaning his arms on the bed, Sasya squeezed Karel’s neck tighter like a baby monkey climbing an old tree. The tender flesh inside Sasya’s arms clung to Karel’s root-like firm nape.

Then, Sasya traced Karel’s face with his lips, searching for his forehead. His small lips, which had brushed against Karel’s nose, easily found their place on his forehead.

After silently kissing his forehead, Sasya blurted out an excuse to Karel who was staring at them with an unreadable expression.

“…This is a goodnight kiss.”

“…”

“Good night, Karel.”

Karel carefully supported Sasya’s back with his arms as he clung to his neck looking at him, and laid them down on the bed.

Then just like before, he firmly tucked the fluffy blanket up to Sasya’s neck.

‘I’m an adult. It’s been a very long time since I stopped receiving goodnight kisses.’

It seemed as if Karel whispered that.

Of course, it was just Sasya’s delusion. Though he could have said something about Sasya’s sudden action, Karel returned to the sofa without a word.

Sasya secretly watched Karel’s sitting figure until just before falling asleep. As Sasya had hoped, he completely emptied another bottle of wine in his seat. Sasya wished Karel would get completely drunk and collapse with a thud before even reaching the bed. If that happened, if things went that way…

While not even properly knowing what he wanted to do with the sleeping Karel, Sasya blinked slowly. Unfortunately, drowsiness was washing over him, and it seemed he would fall asleep before Karel today.