UBC Ch1

Kang Eui-joo died. Kang Eui-joo, the outcast of Chowa-ri, died. Chowa-ri, Maewa-ri, Dongwa-ri—my home was in this mountain village where these three ris (villages) gathered, a place called Wari Village. According to the village chief, it used to be called “Wari Village” until the Korean War.679bd5d481426544

I had never ef7ffa5ea4 experienced the death b0c7a1af65 of anyone close 6b50784722 to me, except 926a9cfb31 for my father, a7df0f63cf who passed away 74b3263baa when I was 519258f163 a baby. So, I casually asked b325fe159f my mom about the 2f62bab1d6 proper etiquette for a 4e023789f7 funeral, just to be b6a7298201 prepared. I put ten 07d2df7dc6 thousand won in f95436b7ee a white envelope, d1793846ff took the last 5ad67a3c75 bus, and hesitantly 31f26f01e9 approached the funeral 5ac6c56f41 hall where men 6f15c9109a in black suits 4132b03c75 were smoking. Like an 8c71c43063 uninvited guest, 076c38551f I stood 041929ac6c for a d3b11751dd long time b6a544d464 in front 185b706d35 of the b6703112e4 stairs leading e2ee211183 down to 0c01589009 the underground d9104eb7de mortuary.270ddbfe5d25cd16

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Nineteen, the age of blossoming flowers, a senior in high school. I was born in a poor neighborhood in Seoul, where they say you can get your nose cut off even with your eyes open, and grew up in Chowa-ri. My mom, who always said she had a wretched fate, lost her maternal grandfather, three siblings in bizarre accidents, and ended up with only her eldest sister left. That was my aunt. Born as the youngest and having attended countless funerals, my mom embarked on a tough, single-minded life after handling her husband’s funeral. Despite being looked down upon as a widow, she strapped me to her back and went out to learn hairdressing. And just as she was about to finish her probationary period with a meager salary, she heard news of her eldest sister, who had married and moved down south.ab444b9db6b36a47

My aunt, who married the son of a brewery owner, suddenly appeared at her parents’ house one day and said, “I’m tired of being beaten and want a divorce,” and nothing more. In a time when it was difficult for older divorced women to make a living on their own, my stubborn maternal grandmother told her to endure it and sent her back empty-handed. After that, contact with my aunt, who had stopped visiting her family, was reestablished almost by chance. The story of my remarried aunt had trickled back to our hometown.57d344499b9b72d5

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I was about seven 68fd44369d years old when my 50fb5cb002 mom packed her bags 5db8968d18 and went to find 456863bf21 my aunt. Having become an a6ef755877 expert at moving 2e1546962e after working at c6128301db diners, noodle shops, a6fd078898 seolleongtang restaurants, and a3ad1f649c hair salons, my 306403e0d5 mom got boxes 7d9d6dd07b from the supermarket 11ed9a9df5 and called her fb1ae55d38 regular moving truck cef6118ad9 driver.c58608435d11435b

She even b3b27714e5 quit the 8560c95be2 hair salon 17575b2daf that had de8cbe360d allowed her a7eacefe30 to obtain 9ebc0dccb6 her official 2f209f2757 license. But instead of e1ca6ff164 diligently searching for 8bc8550643 a house, my 4a1205b669 mom impulsively bought 75a79b93aa a state-of-the-art refrigerator. To me, 6562f79f1f that double-door 011d62e536 refrigerator felt de852a12dd like an 839cf6236c omen of 0045c6c75d misfortune. The hair 879b4872ab dryer, house c5fd2f251a phone, and 76ed23d68e wardrobe that 60d5eb0b1d my mom 40a6410c5e bought on 822f113929 stressful days b207237c64 had always 4331e5f506 brought bad 11605e0ef2 luck.5ec55acdc09d22e4

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“How is it?”a057735f3803cdd1

“It’s big and nice.”c4b47c853fca30e1

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“This is our house.”67d37f9a9058979a

After a three- or four-hour drive in the moving truck, we arrived in front of a detached house. A white gate like winter snowflakes, grape vines wrapped around the shade over the faucet, six kimchi jars left by the previous owner, a yard turned into a chili pepper field, and a cozy house with a red roof were all under my mom’s name. Holding my shoulder with my rabbit bag, my mom teared up. It was my mom’s own house, who knew the hardships of living in rented rooms.d98d05f1b34d7c72

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“Hey.”6863a1ea7609aafb

“Yes?”fd1800149feb4d6f

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A woman with a c6757524cf flamboyant appearance, wearing red d39ba2ba16 lipstick and pointy heels, c7236ae0a2 came to watch the d8683ce1ca moving day. She glanced at the 768ffaf19c scene of the moving 3e3a36d380 truck driver unloading the 078eba05f3 luggage and asked with 31b9440bb1 an indifferent attitude.5b2a9ed6899f8ec6

“Are you Yang Ji-eon?”4afa6834b952eb42

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“Yes.”9f08f671762a3efc

Later, I found out 17f9596e4d that a significant portion 3fedfffe9c of the money for db7843df52 the house we moved 2a4cea3c2b into came from my 057de8cc2a aunt. Like a landlord of 6cf14eb875 a rented house, my e702a688de aunt leisurely looked around 26eeffe0be the house and told 967fef96ac me not to let fb16160b1c anyone outside know that f37780a5cc she was my aunt. She insisted d415d115be that I 964f8db13d should tell 997365d127 people she 46e0864394 was just 82200cf8a6 a neighborhood d1aa8aa912 lady or d74e6dfad8 a friend 6221cb3f04 of my 8b70810845 mom.4bca8b460e8dedd6

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I learned around the time of my elementary school graduation that my divorced aunt had married a wealthy man in Wari and was living cautiously, that her husband thought she had cut ties with her family, that she had actually lived that way for quite a long time, and that despite all that, she couldn’t ignore my mom who had come to find her and had lent her the money to buy the hair salon and the house.df8232ae9fcd1649

Our mother and daughter started a new life sitting on such complicated adult circumstances like a cushion. In this Chowa-ri, where you had to walk 30 minutes to the bus stop to get to the city, I had to wake up at 5 a.m. every day to get to high school on time. Although the difficulty of life was quite high, I didn’t mind it that much. My goal was my mom’s happiness, my happiness, and therefore, the happiness of all of us.6de616fc0b0b455e

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Entering a city high school with strict divisions between girls’ and boys’ schools, I began to dream of going to college, a dream that didn’t fit our circumstances. I wanted to go to college in Seoul, get a decent job, and open a rose-scented flower shop after retirement. Spending my old age with a watering can had become my ultimate goal.2c2c8b359580ea01

This new goal of going to college was born because my homeroom teacher in the third year of middle school had filled my mom’s lungs with air. The dream I had of learning hairdressing and following in my mom’s footsteps was hit with a fierce gust of wind. The aforementioned Seoul University, job, and flower shop were all part of it.01feba9da09a8385

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With the support of my aunt, who wasn’t supposed to be my aunt, and the encouragement of my mom, who had become bold enough to grab the hair of customers who picked fights, I, who had grown up receiving the sorrow and tears of two women, sang flower songs until I was seventeen. That was definitely the case until Kang Eui-joo, seventeen, moved into the abandoned house in Chowa-ri.46432f8088892ad5

Kang Eui-joo.d080666b0ed9a790

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After confirming dcc5cbf504 the name 319e357db9 on the 1746045fab funeral hall a18db14581 lobby screen, fdfe95cf9c I slowly fe8bb2b6ed took a ae49132bd5 step. In some rooms, there 645be562de were cries of injustice, 0417e79d07 in others, the sound a3e17300bb of stomping feet, and 215462e1ad in others, silence was 935171bdc7 drying up hearts. I stood in front 5cc1fa888f of room 101, the 1564a77ff9 darkest, most secluded, and 30fdfe64f8 the only one without 31f40348aa a chrysanthemum wreath.26fc718c0284e34c

I didn’t know if a funeral was being held, or if there was a chief mourner. As expected, only flies buzzed around the funeral hall for Eui-joo, the outcast of Chowa-ri. There was only one pair of old men’s dress shoes in the shoe rack. Looking at the emptiness of the desolate shoe rack, I thought of Eui-joo’s sneakers with his worn-out heels.06f5bb111c3b8d39

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“Idiot.”bec4f16f9764702c

I didn’t want to cry, so I pressed my finger against the tip of my nose, which was starting to sting. I should have told Eui-joo. I think of you as a friend, I’m not ashamed of you at all, I’m not pitying you, I should have said that.29f9390edc9d7f15

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Thinking about how lonely Eui-joo’s last moments must have been, I didn’t dare stand here.c24e3c35998d8bf0

“Here to pay your respects?”10eaf964ab1cd362

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Then, a voice that sounded like it had just woken up from a nap in the darkened funeral hall came. I didn’t know anyone was there, so I was startled and looked up. Inside the chilly funeral hall, in the area lined with white tables, a person was sitting.96f2d4fa5a3c4e28

“I actually have an older brother.”Eui-joo had once told fd76a8a8db me.8accf072ee70d129

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The villagers gossiped, suspecting Eui-joo’s background. Even I, who only verbally protested that it wasn’t true, didn’t fully believe Eui-joo’s words. His mother ran away when he was five, his father ran away three years ago, and his brother left for work last year. Still, he said that his brother was the only one who found him a house, sent him money, and sometimes called.b76b1fc1651fce3a

Kang Eui-joo, who moved 43d258d998 into the abandoned house 1b3f87851d of a con artist a9d7004617 who had committed large-scale 1b9a3e9ca2 fraud in the village 1f383953a1 and fled in the 289a418683 night, was naturally not 2079046e31 well-received by the people 5b543063cb of Chowa-ri.a6387d4e6522b2f2

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It was my well-connected aunt who told me that Eui-joo’s funeral was being held. Now that I had come here, it seems that there were no lies in Eui-joo’s words. Unless my heart that cherished Eui-joo was a lie.2e863ae73c390666

11:40 p.m. I, who had secretly run out of the study room and come all the way here, spoke with a nasal voice in front of Eui-joo’s brother. Eui-joo’s brother, who came out to greet the mourners, had broad shoulders, was tall, and looked healthy. He was 180 degrees different from Eui-joo, who had a frail physique and always coughed. I was just saddened by that dry face where no trace of Eui-joo could be found.bb6b00d6b5821009

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“You’re Eui-joo’s brother, right? Actually, Eui-joo kept waiting.”17c45ed8c997f363

Eui-joo, who was already weak, completely collapsed after the bullies at the same school threw him into the water. I had vaguely heard that his lungs or stomach were weak. Eui-joo, who didn’t want to burden his brother, only went to quack doctors in the neighborhood and eventually died on the street.caecb9a1e583ff1f

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The first person to discover him was an old woman called Jeju’s wife, and at that time, I was unaware of Eui-joo’s news because I was taking winter vacation classes. I found out late that he had died because my mom and aunt were keeping it a secret. He was taken to a hospital in the city in an ambulance, but he died, and they were holding a funeral at a remote funeral hall. He skipped school as often as he ate because he was sick, and I was his only friend and acquaintance.d152ad6c2f8b7d4a

I had no one to pour out my resentment on but Eui-joo’s brother, so I cried and cried until people from the next room looked in. Eui-joo’s brother did nothing but watch me crying in my school uniform, holding a white envelope, crying like a child throwing a tantrum.df3db476420d4e24

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It would 8cd863899b be understandable df939b0357 if a 0cf540a153 complete stranger bf53cc92b6 suddenly came 85286a09e1 and poured 03518d0813 out tears 408cbb4a09 of resentment. It would e781ecf1ef be understandable 5e8cfde41c if he aa61db543c was angry e3273dec52 at me 3781686f4f for losing 4df6863ffd my temper e936a81088 at someone 8c41fa47f2 who had 44784fae2a lost his 52bccafb44 only sibling. Perhaps resembling Eui-joo, 2e158c0469 who was foolishly f8fd521f4f kind, his brother d737054b38 guarded his spot 48a7b32afc with an indifferent cff8ebfb6a gaze.1a936dc703a45acb

“I’m sorry.”9ff407e699d685bf

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It was instantaneous 629c76d4ec that my tears, d9af226ac4 which had subsided f2372121d0 as they had dd67f65be2 no one to 2d5c3e0d54 receive them, turned fdd101a5a2 into shame. Without saying much, b05a9238d1 I handed over 4b21dc670f the white envelope 34437ba05a with both hands.bedc401dbbcb3728

“Where do I give this?”9fb1ac44db100d0a

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I hoped Eui-joo in heaven didn’t think I’m embarrassing. It would be a relief if he didn’t grab his stomach and laugh, saying, “What a disgrace.”a7f617d91e3068be

But even after a 15db00016c long time, the white 123036a398 envelope was not taken. My gaze, which c75a233006 had been unable c7e4df13bd to lift up 53a99f613c due to embarrassment, 0ed84d3fef finally reached beyond 95454ddd1f the tips of fe85f918ad my shoes. His gaze, 3a75902a12 which had 94913ea61a been fixed 1d8a97eff9 on the 9fc7d3672f white envelope, 4d762b345b also moved. I had come to 017149e608 pay my respects, but 88fc1af30c only now did I 190671e169 make eye contact for 3d20272c6e the first time. Calm-toned eyes, c7b1632c7e exotic features, c4c41e1ca5 but the 60a9c06565 impression he 5efb9f8c2d gave was 52e8df80cf that of 2464443eb8 a Korean 55cc8ddace person.07e5c14918b2f0a1

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I wondered if he was a person with only one expression. An unmoving corner of his mouth, cloudy eyes. It was as if he was telling me that he didn’t care whether I cried or not.eb7902133b5b68eb

“You’re Yang Ji-eon.”3591b5226c9f0e62

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Moreover, the fact 27ab608812 that he knew 581e200d34 my name was fcffcaa498 another shock.07159ff08e937fa7

“Want to get some food?”7f5461593d206aee

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That’s probably why I, who had to go back soon, had set foot in the funeral hall. I was as shocked by my first meeting with his brother as I was by Eui-joo’s death.2406e9c4ec09cb77