LM Chapter 9

I thought I had confidence in my stamina since I was still young, but 12 hours was definitely too much. When I could no longer tell if this was a convenience store or a prison, my replacement arrived. Of course, it was Mr. Kim Cheolsoo. I hurriedly handed over this prison to him and came home almost like I was running away. When I arrived, it was almost 11 PM.

Now I just had to sprawl out and sleep until 9 AM tomorrow, then go for the shift change at 10 AM and endure just one more day before it would be over. Since my body was tired, I was confident I would fall asleep quickly. However, when I finished washing up and lay down on the bed mindlessly checking my phone, the world inside it was busier than usual.

That’s when I finally realized what day it was. Ah, it’s a holiday.

Once I realized it, I only noticed stories about families gathering for the holiday. After reading people’s chatter for a while, I felt empty for no reason and put down my phone. And although I tried to sleep while lying down, strangely, I became more and more alert.

Come to think of it, today is no different from yesterday, and it won’t be different from tomorrow – it’s just an ordinary day that becomes special simply because it has a name attached to it. Looking at how I’m feeling down like this when I usually don’t really miss my family proves it.

I didn’t want to wallow in sentimentality anymore, so I turned off the lights and lay down, but this time another light disturbed me. The moon visible through the window was unusually bright. The big, round moon seemed to be facing only me, as if our eyes had met. And as if the moon had cast a spell, a text message arrived right on time. It was from my grandfather.

‘Minha, look at the moon, the moon! It’s so big and bright!’

Grandfather had been disappointed when I said I couldn’t come home for the holiday, but as always, he encouraged me with a smile. Don’t overwork yourself, and come home if it gets too hard, he said. Perhaps he wanted to make sure to let his grandson who couldn’t come know just how big and bright the moon was. I smiled at the text message that seemed to carry grandfather’s voice, but at the same time, a deep melancholy like sorrow spread through me.

“Haah.”

I looked at the moon I had been trying to ignore while letting out a deep sigh. Although it was always floating above our heads at night, it was rare for me to properly look at it. But once I became conscious of it, it felt like a lid I had kept closed inside was opening. Emotions about family that I usually kept well contained began to flow out.

I got up from my seat before they trickled down and soaked me through. Then I went outside without a plan, having nowhere to go. Yet my body moved naturally. In truth, I only had a few places to go. I don’t know why I went back to the convenience store among them.

Ding, as the convenience store door opened, I felt a slight regret. What if Cheolsoo hyung says something? But when he saw me, he just raised one eyebrow without any look of reproach. So I gathered courage and offered an excuse first.

“I’m hungry.”

Cheolsoo hyung’s expression didn’t change, but there was a subtle shift in his eyes. I quickly added.

“The lunch box I had last time was delicious.”

“…”

“Oh, there’s a convenience store near my house too, but they don’t have that lunch box. Well, I could go somewhere else nearby, but if I help boost sales at a place I know, it’s good for the manager and good for me…”

So I came to eat. I tried to act as if nothing was wrong, as if it was no big deal, but the last words came out like a mumble. And because I became conscious of how tense I was, my face stiffened instead. Cheolsoo hyung stared at me for an uncomfortably long time.

Oh no, I messed up.. Just as I was thinking about leaving because it was embarrassing, he suddenly walked out, took out the most expensive lunch box, and rang it up. He was paying with his own card. Surprised, I quickly took out my wallet.

“Huh? I’ll pay for it.”

“It’s not for free.”

He said gruffly and held out the lunch box. I couldn’t readily accept it. I’ve been working all day and now I have to work all night again? When I looked at him with fearful eyes, he seemed to understand my concern and briefly stated his condition.

“Just watch the store for 5 minutes.”

Then he went outside with his phone. He’s clutching his phone so much—is it something important? I waited with the lunch box, hoping for his return. Well, he bought me such an expensive meal, I would understand even if he took 30 minutes. But he returned in less than 3 minutes and nagged me.

“Why aren’t you eating?”

“Can I really eat it?”

Feeling like I was being scammed, I hesitated, and he said bluntly.

“You can.”

There was no further explanation, but it was a good answer. Maybe he was grateful that I covered for him all night that time, but it still felt like he acknowledged me.

“Right, I deserve to eat.”

I started eating the lunch box, brazenly accepting it to hide my embarrassment. Fortunately, since the convenience store was probably the only place open on the holiday, customers kept coming in one after another while I was eating. That gave me plenty of time not to think about this meal I was forced to eat and the awkwardness of this visit I couldn’t even understand myself.

And just being in a familiar place with a colleague and customers I didn’t know made the moon feel different. The moon visible through the front window was still big and bright, but it didn’t pull me into its milky abyss. Come to think of it, I ran out because of that moon. I must have been staring at the moon for a while without realizing it. I was startled by Cheolsoo’s voice right beside me.

“You’re full?”

“Huh? Yeah, I’m full… Just leave it. I’ll clean it up.”

I quickly got up from my chair and tried to take the lunch box container from Cheolsoo hyung, but he pressed my shoulder with one hand.

“Just keep looking at the moon.”

His gruff tone seemed sarcastic when I first heard it, but once I got used to it, I could see the kindness hidden underneath. It seemed like his own way of being warm. So before I knew it, I started talking about myself. It was a silly, trivial story, but one I had never told anyone.

“Did you know that waves are created by the moon’s gravity?”

He nodded slightly. I was a bit nervous that he might offer a scientific correction, saying that it’s not just the moon’s gravity, but that was all. Reassured, I looked back at the moon and lowered my voice a bit.

“So waves are the sound created by the moon. My whole family went to the beach once and my father explained the sound of waves to me like that. He said it was the sound of the moon in the sky shouting ‘I’m here.’ He told me to listen carefully because you can only hear it at the beach. My father takes after my grandfather, so he’s quite sentimental. But it was nighttime then, and I was young and very sleepy. So I got a bit annoyed. I just said the moon was too noisy.”

My words must have sounded amusing to the adults. After that, whenever we encountered the moon in the sky, whether it was my father, mother, grandmother, or grandfather, they all teased me. Saying the noisy moon is up. It was used like a secret code among our family for a while.

But it was buried with my parents who went into the ground a few years ago.

“Even if it’s noisy, it must be nice to hear.”

His gruff voice pulled my mind back from where it had submerged in the past. When I turned around, he slightly turned his expressionless face away.

“Not many people dislike the sound of waves, right?”

I realized he was making an excuse-like explanation and felt awkward. He probably wanted to comfort me on a holiday when I couldn’t see my family, but after doing so, he seemed uncomfortable himself. If it had been someone else, I might have teased them given my personality. But I didn’t want to do that now. His reaction was so rare that I wanted to preserve it untouched.

“Yes. The sound of waves is really nice. The moon isn’t just pretty.”

It looks like it’s just floating small and distant, doing nothing, but it’s actually working hard to make its presence known. I looked up at the moon again. The moon this holiday is especially round and soft. Without realizing it, I stared at the moon for a while again, then felt a gaze and turned my eyes. Dark pupils were staring intently at me.

The gaze we shared was so hot that I felt like warm air suddenly enveloped me. I couldn’t avoid his eyes. I couldn’t move as if held by some external force. I unconsciously held my breath. The moment of tension gripped my heart tightly. I should have stepped back, but part of me didn’t want to escape this.

The feeling of my constricted heart was somehow pleasant. But I also felt like I might suffocate and die if things continued like this. Fortunately, a sound rang out that would bring both of us back to our senses.

‘Ding’

The bell attached to the convenience store door rang. I turned my eyes toward the door out of professional habit, but Cheolsoo hyung turned his body belatedly. But the reaction of the customer who came in was a bit strange. After looking around inside, he raised his hand slightly toward Cheolsoo hyung.

Is it someone he knows? A friend? While I was wondering, Cheolsoo immediately took off his vest and naturally handed it to him. The customer also seemed accustomed as he silently accepted the vest and asked.

“Same as before?”

“Yeah.”

Cheolsoo answered briefly and then turned to me, who was blinking my eyes.

“If you’re done eating, get up.”

“Why?”

“I’ll take you home.”

“Now?”

“Aren’t you going home?”

I should. I muttered, glancing at the customer. He was looking at me with curious eyes. The man, shorter than Cheolsoo hyung but taller than average, wearing glasses, had a good impression. When our eyes met, he smiled and waved his hand slightly.

“Hello.”

“Yes, hello.”

I bowed my head in greeting without realizing it. Cheolsoo hyung grabbed my arm and pulled me.

“Let’s go.”

But I unconsciously planted my feet and resisted. Wait, so he called someone to look after the convenience store? So he went out earlier to call him? Surely he wasn’t… trying to take me home? My expression must have turned serious as Cheolsoo hyung raised one eyebrow.

“It’s not because of you.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“It’s obvious what you’re thinking with that head of yours.”

He lightly tapped my forehead with his hand. It didn’t hurt, but it was as good as calling me stupid, so I raised my chin in defiance.

“Obvious? I’m such a creative person, you know?”

“So you’re not going home?”

“No, I am…”

“I have something to take care of. I’m just dropping you off along the way.”

Am I some kind of luggage? Grumbling, I was about to follow him when I caught sight of Cheolsoo’s friend. He had a strange smile. I didn’t know why he was looking at us with such an intrigued expression, but he seemed to have a good personality. Otherwise, you can’t smile like that when you’re suddenly called out to work on a holiday night. Especially when Kim Cheolsoo doesn’t even say thank you. As Cheolsoo hyung was about to take me out, his friend called as if he just remembered something.

“Hey, Sshim.”

Sshim? As if that was some kind of nickname for Cheolsoo hyung, he immediately turned around at his friend’s call. Then his friend silently threw something to Cheolsoo hyung. Something small and black, like plastic. Cheolsoo easily caught it with one hand and opened his palm so I could see it too. It was a car key.

“Take your time and come back when you’re done.”

When his friend said this, Cheolsoo hyung looked down at the car key silently and then gripped it tightly.

“Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it. It’s an honor. Everyone would freak out if they knew you were indebted to me.”

“Stop talking nonsense.”

Cheolsoo replied lightly and then brought me outside. I was slightly surprised by the fact that I had seen Cheolsoo hyung’s friend, so I didn’t think to pull my arm away even though he held onto me the whole way.

“Why Sshim?”

I asked, almost running to keep up with his fast pace, and he stopped walking. I thought he might answer, but he was busy looking around. It seemed like he was searching for something, then he set a direction and walked again. After walking a short distance, a white SUV appeared before us. It was a well-known domestic G brand car known for its sleek design.

Beep.

Cheolsoo pressed the car key to unlock the door, opened the passenger door, and commanded.

“Get in.”

It seems like it’s his friend’s car, is it okay for me to get in? When I hesitated, he seemed to read my mind and urged me.

“I won’t charge you, get in.”

Is that what you think I’m worried about? I was about to argue, but he pushed my back, so I had no choice but to get in the car. Well, it’s less than a 20-minute drive to my home anyway. I was admiring the interior of the nice car, gently touching the soft leather seat, and belatedly fastening my seatbelt when I heard his explanation.

“That guy just arbitrarily calls people by one syllable of their name with a stressed pronunciation.”

I realized it was his answer about ‘Sshim.’ Oh, so his name has Shim in it? I looked at him, and he stared straight ahead and added.

“My surname is Shim.”

“Ah… Then what’s your first name?”

After asking, I slightly regretted it. From my experience with him, there would be only one response: You don’t need to know. But his reply was unexpected.

“Guess.”

“Shim Cheolsoo?”

He let out a short, incredulous laugh.

“When you look at me, is Cheolsoo all you can think of?”

“Well, yeah. When you look at me, you probably only think of Park Ryeok too.”

At my words, Cheolsoo hyung briefly turned to look at me. And when the car stopped at a traffic light, I heard the name.

“Im Minha.”

“…”

“I’m right, aren’t I?”

He was right. I needed to confirm it, but I couldn’t respond immediately. The way my name sounded in his voice gave me slight goosebumps. It felt really unfamiliar and ticklish. I deliberately tensed my face to hide my reaction.

“I thought you said you couldn’t read my handwriting because it’s terrible?”

“Yeah, it was so terrible I thought it was a different name.”

“What?”

“Ip Geolhwa.”

Wait, what the…

“How could there be such a name in this world?”

“That’s how you wrote it.”

At his reproachful tone, I swallowed my excuse. True, I do write in a cursive, signature-like style.

“Then how did you know my name?”

After a brief pause, that characteristically gruff voice was heard.

“The manager told me.”

Somehow, it felt like he was using the manager as an excuse. But I couldn’t really press him on how he really knew, so I also used the manager as a shield and grumbled.

“He never told me your name though.”

“Want to know?”

“Yeah.”

“How badly?”

I hesitated for a moment. How badly? Just the normal amount, right? The question itself was so perplexing that my response was delayed, but then came another question.

“Desperate much?”

If his voice hadn’t been so serious, I might have laughed. But in the dark car, his low voice made it difficult to respond lightly unlike my usual self. Though I soon returned to my normal self.

“Are you some kind of government secret agent? Do I need to bet my life to ask?”

A short laugh escaped from him. While I was internally relieved that the atmosphere had lightened, he said something incredible.

“Your life isn’t necessary. But you’ll need to be desperate for me to tell you.”

“Ha, wow…”

This time I burst out with an incredulous laugh. Kim Cheolsoo, I didn’t see you that way, but you can be quite childish too?

“You’re not aspiring to be a loan shark, are you? You know, the kind where you have to use your real name to receive a loan so desperate people can borrow money?”

At my speculation, he slightly twisted his lips.

“Similar.”

What is? Your dream? I wracked my brain trying to think of jobs similar to loan sharks.

“Are you in the rental business?”

“No, just playing with money.”

This time I tried to think about what kind of job involves playing with money, but could only think of stacking coins, so I kept quiet.

“What about you?”

“Me?”

When he pointed at me with his finger, he turned to look at me as if to say ‘yes, you.’ I rarely received personal questions from him before, so this conversation felt weird.

“My dream isn’t anything special. I just want to love painting and keep painting until I die. Ah, of course, you might think it’s easy since you can paint anytime, but loving something until the end isn’t easy, so. Uhm, I mean…”

It didn’t seem like I explained it properly, and I wondered how I should say it. And since I’d never told this to anyone, I wasn’t sure if I should. But then he said this.

“Continue.”

“When you love something, you become greedy, right? And when you’re greedy, you eventually want to be rewarded. Whether it’s people’s attention, recognition, or competition prizes. But you can’t always get what you want, right? You might not get any reward at all. That’s really bitter. You know what’s even more futile? When you’re frustrated, you give up, and the greed disappears. But the problem is, the greed takes away the love along with it.”

That’s why ambition is important. Grandfather always says that ambition for what you love is passion. When passion disappears, you start painting out of habit, and he said that’s when it’s time to put down the brush.

“Are you afraid of the results after being ambitious?”

“That, and I also lack the courage to follow my ambitions.”

Courage. He muttered and then spoke as if sympathizing with this part.

“I lack that courage too.”

Was it because of his particularly subdued voice? While I felt like I had revealed a worry as small as a pebble, it felt like he had shown me a massive glacier whose end couldn’t be seen. Well, if your dream is playing with money, you’d need courage. You could end up completely broke if you mess up. I offered words of comfort, partly to lift his spirits.

“Let’s be courageous together, Mr. Shim.”

He threw an irritated glance at me after a long time.

“You’re getting cheeky, Im Minha.”

“Ah, that name is a bit… Please call me Park Ryeok.”

That’s kind of my identity in the convenience store.

“Im Minha suits you better.”

“Ha, no it doesn’t! Do you know how much of a Park Ryeok I am… Huh? Wait, this isn’t the right way.”

I belatedly noticed through the window that we were going in a different direction from my house.

“I know.”

Know what? Looking back, he briefly added while staring straight ahead.

“Let’s go for a drive.”

“Now?”

“Sleep if you’re tired. I’ll wake you up.”

No, I’m not tired but… I mumbled and looked out the window again. The car was dark, but I wanted to hide my face that had probably stiffened from bewilderment. He had definitely said that he had business to take care of and would drop me off at home.

When I heard those words, I had thrown away the doubts that were filling my mind. Whether he had really left the convenience store to his friend because of me. This feeling was similar to when I faced Euiyun. The feeling of noticing the emotions filling up in the other person.

But Euiyun was like the rippling surface of water to me. I wanted to just keep backing away, uncomfortable with the fear of it overflowing. In contrast, Cheolsoo hyung was like a protruding frozen glacier. It was scary not being able to gauge how much larger the glacier beneath might be, but I wanted to keep looking at it, and wanted to touch it too.

Of course, all of this could be my misunderstanding. The thrilling fantasy that he might have good feelings, perhaps even more than that, towards me. I didn’t want to break this. I don’t know why I’m like this either. It was unfamiliar and somewhat embarrassing that I reacted differently only to Cheolsoo hyung. As if compromising with myself forcefully, I asked him.

“What about your business?”

“I’m taking care of it now.”

Taking me home? Or just a simple drive? I needed to ask clearly and break the fantasy, but I was too scared and stopped there. Instead, I looked out the window again. The good thing about holidays is that cars and people disappear from the city like an ebbing tide. The road was empty like a deserted national highway.

“Don’t like it?”

Despite his blunt tone, that question fueled my fantasy again because if he were his usual self, he wouldn’t ask for my opinion but would just coldly say ‘If you don’t like it, get out.’ When I hesitated, not knowing how to answer, he glanced at me briefly from the corner of his eye.

“Tired?”

“A little. But it’s not polite to sleep in the passenger seat…”

“You can sleep.”

He quickly cut off my words and added as if scolding me,

“I don’t care about that kind of politeness, so sleep.”

Come on, how can I sleep? When I don’t even know where we’re going …? Where are we going?

“Are you heading somewhere?”

“Yeah.”

He should have told me the destination by now, but no matter how long I waited, there was no explanation. I couldn’t hold back and was about to ask, but I missed the timing again.

“I’ll wake you when we arrive.”

He kept encouraging me to sleep. Hey, do you think I’m someone who just sleeps all the time? Just as I was starting to feel disgruntled, I immediately fell asleep. In my defense, I was really tired. I had worked for 12 hours, gone home, then rushed back to the convenience store. And I seemed to have slept really well.

Expensive cars must really be different, the ride was so smooth that when I briefly came to, I couldn’t tell if I was at home or in the car. But I soon realized I had woken up somewhere that wasn’t home. The air was different. The smell carrying the cold dawn air gave me the first sense of unfamiliarity.

The atmosphere touching my skin was all strange. While trying to understand the situation with my eyes barely open from drowsiness, I belatedly realized I was in the car. All the windows were wide open. That was why I could smell the unfamiliar scent. But the sky was still dark, so I couldn’t see outside properly.

Where the car was parked seemed to be slightly outside the realm of streetlights, which were sparse. Where is this? As I was about to raise my body, I belatedly saw someone standing in front of the car. Although they were standing away from the car in a darker spot, I could tell who it was just by the tall figure’s back view.

When I spotted Cheolsoo hyung, all anxiety seemed to dissipate as relief rushed in. Then, as I was belatedly coming to my senses and raising my upper body, I hesitated. Along with the unfamiliar air, a sound was also coming in.  It wasn’t loud, but I definitely recognized it.

Swoosh~ Splash.

It was the sound of waves. I was momentarily dazed by the unexpected greeting from the sea. I held my breath in surprise as I belatedly realized the destination of this drive. I remained frozen for a while, fixing my gaze on his back figure. If I went out and called him now, I felt like I might burst into tears and make a fool of myself.

I don’t know why he brought me here. He wouldn’t know how much the sound of waves meant to me, so it was probably just a casual thought. Maybe he acted on impulse when he heard about waves while wanting to go for a drive. But he wouldn’t have known that the result would take my breath away.

The gentle sound of waves announced the presence of a vast, invisible ocean beyond that darkness. How deep blue, how deep, how vast. But right now, only the backside of one person, looking like a black silhouette, caught my eye.

The human figure, infinitely small compared to the ocean, looked like a giant to me. As if tall enough to reach the moon, like he could break off a piece of it. The comfort he gave me right now was exactly like that. It felt like receiving that piece of moon as a gift in my hands.

Maybe it’s because it’s a holiday. I was trying to suppress my emotions by holding my breath. But then as he turned his body, his gaze happened to turn and stop in my direction. Even though the car interior where I was must be dark and he probably couldn’t see me well, it felt like he was staring directly at me. Did he really know I was awake?

Then he slowly walked towards me. He stood at the open window and placed his hand on the window frame, bending down. This time our eyes definitely met. He was too close. Although the dawn air was definitely cool, at this moment it felt like being in an airless sealed room.

I don’t know why I was so nervous. Not wanting to show it, I hastily opened my mouth. I swear these words came out without passing through my brain,

“It smells fishy.”

Cheolsoo hyung’s eyebrow twitched again. How can he move just one eyebrow so well? It’s amazing. I put aside my momentary admiration. I quickly added words to make up for my mistake.

“Where is this?”

“The sea.”

“I know that. I can hear it.”

“What can you hear?”

I twisted my upper body backward, trying to create some distance.

“The sound… of waves.”

“Right.”

He straightened up and stepped back as if that had been his purpose all along. Then he returned to his original spot and gazed at the dark sea. I inhaled quietly, trying to relax my tense body. Scolding myself repeatedly for acting unlike myself, I opened the door and went to stand beside Cheolsoo hyung.

Even though I wasn’t looking at his side, his presence made me so nervous that my skin felt itchy. Fortunately, once I stepped outside, the seaside air hit me more forcefully, enveloping me and reducing my tension. The sound of waves was also more distinct now.

“The moon is so diligent. Even in the middle of the night when no one is watching, it’s working hard to stir the sea.”

This was nonsense again, but at least it was a thought-out comment. I needed to lighten the mood with such remarks to stop myself from trembling. Yes, strangely my fingertips were trembling, and I clasped my hands tightly behind my back. I wasn’t sure if this trembling was due to the emotion he stirred in me or because of him himself. Right now, I mostly just didn’t want him to notice that I wasn’t acting normal.

“Yeah, needlessly so.”

He responded coldly. I, who had spoken first, shook my head thinking that wasn’t right.

“Not needlessly. If there’s even one person listening, it has meaning.”

I could feel him looking in my direction. I thought he would ask whether it had meaning, but there was no question. Actually, since waking up in this unfamiliar place, I had many questions. Where is this place, can we return by morning, did he bring me to the sea because of me, does he perhaps… have feelings for me?

But I didn’t want to ask practical questions. While listening to the sound of the sea and watching the dark waves, it seemed wasteful to tarnish this moment with such words. As I continued gazing forward, I understood why Cheolsoo hyung had been standing silently. My mind emptied, and everything felt peaceful. So it was only after quite some time that I finally uttered something practical.

“Hyung.”

I still wasn’t looking at him, but I could feel that he had been watching me all along.

“Thanks.”

I mumbled, releasing my hands from behind my back and stretching one to the side. My gaze still fixed straight ahead, I moved my hand that way. Because Cheolsoo hyung was wearing his usual uniform-like short-sleeved shirt even in this weather, my fingertips touched his skin. I fumbled along his firm arm, moving down until I held his hand.

I don’t know why I did that. When I belatedly realized what I had done, I was embarrassed, but I summoned my courage and didn’t let go. As the price for my courage, my heart felt like it would jump out through my mouth. If there was any consolation, it was that the darkness hid how red my face must have been.

Though my face and heart felt like they would burst, all my attention was focused on my hand. I remained still, holding his larger hand. At first, the large hand showed no movement, like a mannequin’s. Then it twitched hesitantly. The twitch transmitted clearly through my hand.

But that was all. He didn’t hold my hand back. After staying like that for a while, he twisted his body and coldly pulled his hand away.

“It’s late.”

That one phrase was his only response. Belatedly regaining my senses, I deliberately replied loudly.

“Ah, yes, we, we should go!”

In the car on the way back, I kept my eyes closed the entire time. But I wasn’t asleep. With a clear mind, I just pretended to sleep by closing my eyes. Thinking it was the price I had to pay for my embarrassing act, I couldn’t help it, but somehow I also felt incredibly, deeply sad.

***

I spent a few days seriously contemplating what this feeling was. Was I just moved by Cheolsoo hyung’s kindness? It was so unlike him, after all. Maybe I had fallen completely into a trap set by the holiday melancholy and was mistaken.

So I tried to find various excuses to avoid one hypothesis at all costs: that I had come to like him. At the time, I half-considered myself asexual so I was convinced it couldn’t be love, and I also had an aversion to love due to the sense of loss from losing my parents.

But the biggest reason was Kim Cheolsoo himself, who might be an Alpha and had many secrets. Since he didn’t hold my hand back and let it go, I felt rejected even before confessing. Going further would only cause pain. I think I made that judgment instinctively.

So when the manager introduced a new night shift part-timer a few days after the holiday break, despite an indescribable great disappointment, there was also relief in one corner of my heart.

“Did Cheolsoo hyung quit?”

I had hoped until the end that the answer would be that he was just a temporary replacement. But the manager immediately nodded.

“Yes, something came up at home so he says he can’t work nights anymore. There’s some issue with Cheolsoo’s grandfather…”

He didn’t give a detailed explanation but shook his head with a displeased expression. Ah, could it be because of me? Hope rose again. Even though I wasn’t certain about my feelings for him, this hope grew obnoxiously large. However, the manager was exceptionally skilled at breaking the mood.

“But it’s strange. Before, he used to come to work even when there were problems with his grandfather, so I don’t know why he’s suddenly using that excuse.”

…Maybe it is because of me. I swallowed a sigh and berated myself. Stupid, why did you suddenly grab his hand then? If I were Cheolsoo hyung, I would have been disgusted too. How creepy would it be if someone you showed kindness to with no particular feelings suddenly held your hand?

The entire way home, and even after I got home and lay on my bed, I kicked at the air in embarrassment. At that time, it felt like I couldn’t overcome it without such self-reproach. It seemed like I could barely stop my emotions only by doing this. So I lived diligently, going between school and work. After more than a month had passed, when I thought of Kim Cheolsoo, I felt more like cursing than nostalgia.

Just because I held his hand! He should have just thought of it as a handshake!

Just when I thought I had overcome it rather bravely, with just a few days left before vacation, the manager suddenly proposed,

“Ryeok-ah, let’s have a company dinner.”

I silently looked at him and then carefully advised,

“If you want to drink, just go drink alone. So many people drink alone these days.”

At my words, the manager clutched his head in distress.

“Ah, I’m too introverted to drink alone! And I need an appointment to drink with dignity.”

“I don’t want to be the victim of that appointment.”

“Victim? You’re the main character. You’re quitting soon, right? You’re going home during vacation, and you might not be able to work next semester.”

I nodded. In my second year, I wanted to focus more on painting. How difficult it had been throughout my first year without time to do assignments.

“It’s your last day, so we should have a farewell party.”

I was about to say it wasn’t necessary and to give me a bonus instead, when he added as if he had just remembered,

“Oh, there’s one more person coming to the farewell party. Cheolsoo is coming too.”

I froze. I was holding a box I had been organizing, then pretended to be nonchalant and asked back.

“Which Cheolsoo?”

“Which Cheolsoo? The night shift Kim Cheolsoo… well, there are many Cheolsoos. I mean the Kim Cheolsoo who worked with you for a long time. The one who quit recently.”

“…He said he’s coming?”

“Ah, yes. He said he’d come since it’s your farewell party.”

After that, the manager talked excitedly about the dinner for a long time, but it sounded like a buzzing noise and I couldn’t hear properly. My heart, which had been fine for over a month, was pounding again as if it were broken.

***

As the time for the company dinner approached, my broken heart raced more wildly. The truth is, I hadn’t had an ambiguous relationship with Cheolsoo hyung or been in a tense emotional tug-of-war. We just went to the beach once, that’s all.

Yet I felt pathetic for being so conscious of him like this. Moreover, even as I entered the restaurant for the dinner, I couldn’t let go of my expectations. I had created dozens of scenarios in my head, preparing for how to treat him after seeing him for the first time in a long while.

In the end, it was all in vain. When I arrived at the bar, he wasn’t there. There were only the manager and other part-timers.

“Ah, Cheolsoo? I think Cheolsoo can’t come. I told him to come even for a moment if he had time…”

Another person named Cheolsoo, who was sitting nearby, interrupted with a face reddened by alcohol, asking, “Me?” The manager laughed and said it was good to have many Cheolsoos, talking nonsense even though he wasn’t drunk yet. I swallowed my disappointment and sat down.

After getting rid of my expectations, I ate diligently at the meat restaurant for about an hour and emptied about one bottle of soju. My tolerance is higher, but maybe because I wasn’t in a good mood that day, just one bottle was already making my head feel a bit foggy. Fortunately, when I get drunk, I close my mouth.

So whether people were laughing and chatting or not, I just stared at the grill. Among those pieces of meat, there were only a few of my favorite scallops left. But I was too self-conscious to eat them all myself. Even though I was tipsy, I knew it would be impolite to selectively pick out just the scallops.

Being so focused on the scallops, I didn’t immediately notice the latecomer to our party. While debating whether I should rescue a scallop from among the sizzling meat, I saw people half-rising from their seats and freezing.

Everyone except the manager had awkward expressions on their faces as they looked in one direction. I turned my head too. That’s when I saw the stoic face greeting the manager.

“Cheolsoo! I thought you couldn’t come? Good you came, good! Wait, we need to order more meat and drinks!”

The manager excitedly kept pressing the order bell.

“No drinks for me. I brought my car.”

Cheolsoo hyung, who had greeted the manager, finally turned his head and looked down at me. I just blinked at him. Since I remained silent, he greeted me as he sat down beside me.

“It’s been a while.”

“Yes.”

I nodded and turned my gaze back to the grill. Though he was the person I had been waiting for, I wasn’t as nervous as I had been at first. Rather, I felt a bit resentful. Like someone who was sulking, I didn’t look at him and instead focused my attention on finding another love.

Scallops! My only love is scallops!

Inwardly exclaiming this, I quickly pulled one scallop that looked like it was about to burn toward my side. Wouldn’t it be okay to eat one more at this point? Carefully, I moved the scallop to my plate without anyone noticing and hid it under a sesame leaf.

Then, while still looking only at the grill, I silently moved the remaining scallops toward me. Still, I could feel a gaze that occasionally watched me. No, that might be my imagination too. So what? I have scallops!

As I was enjoying my own private party while drunk, I heard a voice ordering.

“Bring us more soju glasses.”

Cheolsoo hyung was speaking to the employee who was bringing drinks. When I just stared blankly again, he briefly said to me.

“Drink more.”

“…”

Though my mouth wasn’t glued shut, I turned my head without responding again. I couldn’t help it if he thought I was angry. I felt both happy and embarrassed to see him, and it hurt. My emotions were tangled like a complex thread inside my chest.

But I couldn’t just keep staring at the glasses as everyone was drinking. People kept trying to talk to me. They had so many questions, asking one after another even when I gave short answers.

“As an art student, don’t you lack time for assignments? How do you manage to work part-time?”

“I just manage somehow.”

“Ah, art school must have high material costs, right? And expensive tuition too.”

I nodded politely, and sympathetic gazes flew my way. I quickly let them know it was fine.

“Tuition isn’t a problem. I have enough in my account for all 4 years.”

“Oh, so you’re rich then.” Someone said with a laugh, and I shook my head.

“I’d rather not use it if possible. It’s insurance money from when my parents died in a car accident.”

A heavy silence fell. Though I was half-drunk, I immediately thought ‘oh no’ – I’d been through this situation several times before. I shouldn’t have said that. So I didn’t mention that my grandmother was also in that car and now lies unconscious for years. Fortunately, there were no more questions directed at me after that.

I wondered if people would look at me with pity, but when I raised my eyes, no one met my gaze. No, there was one person. Kim Cheolsoo hyung looked at me. I quickly turned away, worried there might be sympathy in his eyes.

Then I seemed to spend a long time blankly watching people talk. At some point, Cheolsoo hyung’s hand caught my attention. That hand was gripping a small glass of drink so tightly it looked like it might break. Wondering why, I turned to look, but he was watching the TV news with an expressionless face.

We were close to the TV so the sound was clear. But the large text summarizing the article at the bottom of the screen caught my eye first.

‘Will Mirae Group become the winner of this chicken game¹?’

The news was about a recent hot topic that I also knew about. At its center was a mineral called A, which had become a raw material for recent trending industries. Last year, another domestic company announced they had contracted to receive this mineral at a fixed price for the next 10 years from a certain country for stable supply.

Mirae, being in the same business as that company, had already bought development rights for mineral A several years ago and was developing it. And fortunately, the deposit amount was enormous, and they began full-scale mining early this year. Afterwards, Mirae flooded the market with mineral A, drastically lowering the price.

As a result, the other company that contracted to buy the raw material at a high price for 10 years was in chaos. In just one year, their deficit had grown to an unmanageable level, and forecasts suggested losses could reach trillions of won if they continued receiving raw materials at this price for the next 10 years.

Some said Mirae was cruelly wielding its blade to eliminate competitors. There was criticism that they shouldn’t cut down a fellow domestic company like this. Moreover, while people thought Mirae was taking losses by supplying raw materials at low prices, it turned out that wasn’t the case.

Criticism intensified recently when rumors spread that hedge funds related to Mirae had bet on the weakness of raw material prices. It seemed more than just a rumor since Mirae kept quiet about it instead of explaining, fueling more suspicions. And the person at the center of these rumors was now appearing on the news screen. The caption changed as her interview appeared.

‘Mirae’s Chairwoman Bae Ian unexpectedly shows her displeasure.’

A woman with an expressionless face was answering reporters waiting in front of the headquarters building.

‘What we consider most important is the interests of our shareholders. There’s no reason to consider the circumstances of a poorly managed company out of patriotism.’

Her cold voice held no emotion, but strangely, I felt like she was annoyed. Maybe it was because I had observed someone who rarely showed emotions so closely.

And Cheolsoo hyung, watching the news now, was also expressionless but full of some emotion. It was similar to what I had seen at the theater. I didn’t know why he was watching the news with such hatred.

That evening, what I remember most is Cheolsoo hyung’s expression. Although it was a meeting I had been waiting for, we barely talked that day. I don’t remember much after that. I had a few more drinks and became like a mute doll, and I vaguely remember Cheolsoo hyung taking me home.

When I’m drunk and become like a doll, I follow others’ words well. Thanks to that, I hazily remember being held by his arm, going home, and lying down obediently on the bed. But though I lay down, my eyes were open. Then I heard a command mixed with a sigh from beside me.

“Close your eyes and sleep.”

Ah, eyes. Should close them, right. And soon darkness enveloped me. So I couldn’t be sure if the feeling of someone stroking my hair and his voice were real or my imagination because Cheolsoo hyung would never speak with such an anguished voice.

“Why do you keep making me want more?”