PS | Chapter 3.2

Sihoo grimaced and washed his face with his hand. It seemed he was sexually frustrated. Had he started having such fantasies about Jehyuk because their physical contact had been frequent lately? Jehyuk was a sexually unapproachable person to him.

He was an attractive person, indeed. If Jehyuk hadn’t been averse to physical contact, no one would leave him alone. Even now, that seemed to be the case. Sihoo thought about the ex-lovers Jehyuk had gone through without his knowledge.

Honestly, he was surprised. He had never imagined Jehyuk with someone else. Knowing that Jehyuk disliked being touched, he had subconsciously thought that Jehyuk wouldn’t date anyone. Although Sihoo himself never had anyone to talk about, he didn’t think Jehyuk was the type to hide such things.

Lately, he realized that was his misconception.

Maybe he had unconsciously not considered Jehyuk would be close to anyone other than him. Kim Ijun, the friend he called, and Rina, the ex-girlfriend he mentioned, weren’t the kind of people Sihoo knew to be around Jehyuk. The fact that there was a Jehyuk he didn’t know excited him, and it had led him to this moment today.

He might be the one to bring an end to their relationship with his own hands.

Deep emotions lead to conflict. Excessive camaraderie, dramatic love—none are exceptions. The conflicts they repeat ultimately lead to an end.

Yoon Sihoo hated endings. Sihoo’s endings had never been good. At the time when humans judge the world’s value and form their opinions, Sihoo only saw the worst outcomes. Memories that his grandfather dismissed as trivial became defects in Sihoo.

He was a pathetic guy who couldn’t overcome his childhood issues—that was Yoon Sihoo’s problem.

He had tried. When his father, Chairman Yoon, sent him to England disguised as a convalescence, he tried to act like a normal person. Making friends, forming something akin to romantic relationships, he tried to blend in without seeming out of place.

But relationships always touched Sihoo’s deepest wounds. Casual mentions of family by others were his Achilles’ heel. He spent years tearing off and putting back the scab of an unhealed wound.

Eventually, he resigned himself.

This problem can neither be solved nor ignored. All Sihoo could do was embrace it and distance himself from others.

“Sihoo-ya.”

His train of thought scattered at the deep, muffled voice calling him. He hadn’t realized he was lost in unnecessary memories. He snapped back to attention. Turning his head, he saw Jehyuk sitting up.

“…Something wrong?”

He was examining his expression. Worry filled the black pupils under his thick eyebrows. His sharp eyes might look fierce at first glance because they lacked double eyelids, but the pupils themselves were deep and innocent. Like a puppy. A hunting dog. But one that doesn’t bite people, somewhat different like a Doberman.

“You’re awake.”

Sihoo forced a smile. Of all times, he had to wake up when smiling was difficult. As he tried to reset his expression to usual, Jehyuk said,

“You don’t have to force a smile.”

Sihoo blinked at the unexpected comment. He thought he had misheard, but seeing Jehyuk looking at him seriously, he knew it wasn’t the case.

He had never heard such a thing before. If it were the opposite, he would have been sick of hearing it.

His father hated a gloomy expression. His grandfather forced him to smile, and his peers always said that if Sihoo didn’t smile, he looked scary. Excluding the most significant unresolved issue, Sihoo had solved the others one by one. Just always smile.

Then the problems disappeared. When he smiled prettily as told, the world seemed easier.

So, he really should smile…

Jehyuk, speaking so casually the opposite of what Sihoo had always known, hesitated before moving closer to him. Jehyuk’s fingers lightly touched the back of Sihoo’s hand that was pressing on the bed.

“I like it even when you don’t smile.”

This must have been the first time Jehyuk had touched him first.

“I don’t know what it is, but if it’s tough, you can talk about it. You helped me too.”

Jehyuk spoke as if he had made a big decision. His hair was messy from sleep, and looking so serious like that made Sihoo laugh genuinely for the first time in a while. Not a forced laugh, but a real one.

“…Why? Did I say something wrong?”

Sihoo shook his head, suddenly feeling a sense of relief. After laughing heartily enough to tear up, he caught his breath and reached for Jehyuk’s bird-nest hair, tenderly straightening it.

“It’s because your hair is a mess, Hyuk.”

“……”

Jehyuk slowly raised his hand to where Sihoo was touching his hair, a flush spreading over his baffled face. It was cute. Sihoo stroked the soft hair for a while longer before pulling his hand away, a deep sense of regret lingering but he cut it off.

“It’s nothing. Just thinking a bit.”

Having genuinely laughed in front of Jehyuk was problematic.

“I think I crossed a line yesterday.”

As much as he feared having deep emotions, Sihoo knew the signs of them beginning. Letting such feelings grow could become a poison. And Sihoo didn’t want to lose a person who brought him such joy.

“I think it’s okay now that I can touch you, and since you’ve kissed someone else…”

He said this while forcibly ignoring the rising irritation. He shouldn’t dig deeper. It was right to stop interfering and stop getting closer. Remember the things you’ve gone through.

He had made a mistake. Since Jehyuk was his only friend, he hadn’t realized his emotions were moving differently. A kiss between friends had crossed a line.

“I think we don’t need to practice anymore.”

Creating distance was the only way to keep Jehyuk by his side.

“I was thinking that too.”

Sihoo made up his mind as he sorted out his feelings. Jehyuk listened to his soft yet firm words in silence for a long while, not even blinking as he stared intently at Sihoo. After a prolonged silence, a faint sigh escaped Jehyuk, and his usually upturned eye corners drooped slightly.

For a moment, Jehyuk’s expression of disappointment was so pronounced that it could be mistaken as him having feelings for Sihoo. It seemed he had misunderstood. That made sense. Jehyuk was always sensitive to Sihoo’s reactions.

“Last night, Hyuk-ah, the way I acted towards you was excessive. Even if you were okay with it, I shouldn’t have said or done those things.”

To prevent any misunderstanding, Sihoo explained in detail. He wanted to say he regretted the kiss too, but he held back, fearing it might hurt Jehyuk.

“…I was okay with it.”

Jehyuk’s voice was low and subdued. A wave of guilt washed over Sihoo as it seemed Jehyuk took this as a rejection.

No, Hyuk-ah. I’m doing this because I want to keep you by my side.

“Hyuk-ah, it’s because you’re too kind.”

He whispered with concern, making sure Jehyuk wouldn’t misconstrue his average response as anything but.

“Anyone else would have cursed me out, calling me crazy.”

The best reaction to someone who spouts such things without being drunk is that. It was the right thing.

“I’m sorry, Hyuk-ah.”

“Don’t apologize.”

Jehyuk’s face hardened, an uncommon expression for him, which made Sihoo blink in surprise. After a few seconds of silence, Jehyuk returned to his usual demeanor.

“Don’t apologize for something you didn’t do wrong, Sihoo-ya. Let’s do as you said. I’ve been thinking… maybe I’ve been too bothersome to you anyway…”

True to form, Jehyuk understood well. However, the idea that he had been bothersome was incorrect.

“I’ve never been bothered by you.”

Jehyuk had never been a source of negative feelings for Sihoo.

“…Yeah. Anyway, I thought I was fine with it too. Thanks.”

Without showing any lingering attachment, Jehyuk readily accepted Sihoo’s words. Sihoo scrutinized his face, wondering if Jehyuk was hiding hurt feelings, but no signs of turmoil or dejection appeared anymore. Jehyuk was as composed as ever.

“Thank you.”

Sihoo whispered sincerely.

“I should be the one thanking you.”

Jehyuk replied. He was good-natured. With that thought, Sihoo’s fingers twitched, tempted to touch Jehyuk again, but he restrained himself and looked away, checking the time on his phone’s screen to change the subject.

“It’s getting late, let’s go. I don’t want to see you get scolded again, Hyuk-ah.”

“Okay.”

Jehyuk’s lips twitched as he stood up.

“Can I shower first?”

“Yeah.”

“Thanks.”

Wondering if there was something more to say, Jehyuk then left the bed. His back as he walked to the bathroom looked even more graceful than it had the night before. Sihoo watched his retreating figure with a blank expression, then got up from the bed and absentmindedly read a text from Han Bada, who had been trying to reach him all night.

It’s about time I met someone.

As he pressed the reply button, his fingers moved mechanically, obeying a command devoid of any emotion.

***

There are moments like this. You feel like you’ve messed something up, but you just can’t figure out what the other person is thinking. Ji Jehyuk felt this sort of distance when he first started to be disliked by his uncle and cousins. He still remembered that feeling of helplessness from back then.

After this morning, Ji Jehyuk couldn’t fully focus on his practice. Because of that, Coach Shin called him aside for a lecture. With a match tomorrow, Coach Shin erupted, questioning what he was doing. Ji Jehyuk, admitting fault, silently endured the scolding.

The important spring federation match for the soccer team was already over. Ji Jehyuk had scored one goal and made two assists in the finals. His effective shots and possession were good, but still slightly below his rival strikers.

Therefore, Ji Jehyuk needed to thoroughly prepare for the upcoming Taebaeksan Cup. Coach Shin wanted to debut underclassmen in the K League for their sake and aimed even higher—to create Premier League players.

Thus, tomorrow’s regional tournament was actually more about showcasing players to scouts and officials than a team competition, as per Coach Shin’s strategy. Though it stemmed from his own ambitions, this was beneficial for the players needing to debut.

After being told countless times to get his act together, practice finally ended. With the tournament tomorrow, they wrapped up after some light exercises and tactical training to avoid injuries. The team dispersed early with a reminder to rest up since they had to head to Uijeongbu.

With some time on his hands and no classes today, Ji Jehyuk aimlessly wandered down from the gym and stopped near the business school. Originally heading for the library, he ended up by the business school lounge instead.

The business school was indeed different. Ji Jehyuk looked around. Despite not being far from the college of education, he rarely entered despite often passing by. Four grand buildings, including a newly built one, belonged to the business school. Kim Ijun’s words popped into his head: “Rich kids sure are different.”

No need to wonder why he came here. He probably hoped to run into Yoon Sihoo. His phone had been smashed yesterday, cutting off all contact all morning. With the tournament tomorrow, he had to buy a new phone, but Ji Jehyuk found himself sitting on the grass near the business school instead. It was quieter here than the main gate lawn.

Sitting on the grass, Ji Jehyuk buried his face in his knees. Had Sihoo really cooled down? That nagging thought tormented him all day. Maybe it was because he always received more than he gave, it wouldn’t be strange if Sihoo was tired of him.