MLCD Chapter 4.4

First day.63688ecc0405114a

Shavonne was sitting dc4620d8de leaning against the d98e43d2de wall, looking as ae272ad485 haggard as someone 0224e254ee who hadn’t slept a61e94ced9 for forty-eight nights.Is he sleeping?The closed 8d7f694f10 eyelids didn’t 98c1f82a27 move at e5b9d17110 all.60c68c83445f1e2e

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I hope he wakes up. If he wakes up, he’ll see me right away.Lewellyn sat huddled against 1ca9665c8d the wall across from a14f4d2ddb Shavonne, staring intently at 5815b73a61 the sleeping Shavonne.If I wake him up, I’ll get scolded, he thought to himself. Meanwhile, Lewellyn’s fingers were drawing circles on the floor. How will I get scolded? A lecture? If it’s just a lecture, that would be nice. Even if he swears at me, it doesn’t matter. If it’s from Shavonne, I’m willing to take even a beating.65af9061d9262cda

…But what if Shavonne punishes me by not coming here?5084fc40c648fffa

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The moment this frightening possibility crossed his mind, the hand drawing the circle abruptly stopped. The thought of having to spend another night with Shavonne not coming made him feel as if his blood had dried up. Lewellyn turned pale. He shook his head vigorously, trying to chase away the ominous thought. That’s when he realized that the awakened Shavonne was looking at him.0fec09387dbcc5f6

Lewellyn’s face flushed red. What should I say? Should I 9885c23d42 ask if 80970f43bd he slept b88f7a7876 well? But it looked like Lewellyn’s presence kept him from sleeping well. Should I ask if 03d672da53 he slept? Of course he must have slept. If he hadn’t, he wouldn’t have remained silent like this. He would have given Lewellyn an onion, handed him a workbook, or read a book to him.47378ddcaa7fe17c

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What should I say? What should I say to make the dark shadows under Shavonne’s eyes disappear, his sunken cheeks plump up, and his tightly sealed lips relax?Hesitating, he opened his 42936bc3b8 mouth.f015aa4ab25cded5

“Hey…”8216451c6c30fe68

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Hey, Shavonne. If you didn’t know, I was hurt. If you didn’t know, it hurt so much that I couldn’t call you Shavonne, that you couldn’t call me Lewellyn. If you didn’t know… Lewellyn tried to continue, but couldn’t finish his words. Shavonne had closed his eyes again.d0fc0d6608492d62

“…”de3c298885e7f60b

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If you didn’t know, the only name I want to call is Shavonne’s. The only name I can call is Shavonne’s. Only Shavonne… The words he couldn’t get out aloud kept circling in his throat.6c0b2661706e325f

Shavonne still has his eyes closed. Lewellyn just stared at him. He had thought the most unyielding thing in the world was the iron door, but he was mistaken. It wasn’t the iron door. It was Shavonne’s closed eyelids.873c4e82f5f25e31

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When the time came, Shavonne left the room without saying a word. Only Shavonne’s shadow was left behind.a4635e763bff9cfc

Second day.acdbe1f4ba38b4d2

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Shavonne leaned against the wall, eyes closed, clearly tired. It didn’t seem like he would speak or even look at Lewellyn today, just like yesterday. Lewellyn hesitated, then opened his mouth.ac7a5d0109ca2812

“…Can I talk to you?”e9d26381f6ec3bdd

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As soon as he said it, he felt guilty. Just being able to see Shavonne was already a miracle, let alone trying to have a conversation. Lewellyn must really be the “impertinent dog” the guards talked about.52a60ac099ed4c19

“Do you have something to say?”fb9d673d91c3db29

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Shavonne answered with his eyes still closed, his voice cold. Lewellyn stared at Shavonne’s closed eyelids and asked.fce0ed40494827f1

“…Can’t you look at me?”f9ae548c3520349a

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Shavonne finally opened his eyes without a word. His dry gaze was directed at Lewellyn. The request was accepted, but Lewellyn wasn’t entirely happy about it. Shavonne’s eyes still made Lewellyn’s heart flutter, just like before… but back then, they used to sparkle, and now there was a deep shadow over them, too deep to see through.52173a5120d1da08

Maybe it’s because we’re too far apart,Lewellyn thought. There were seven steps 34083a489d between Shavonne and Lewellyn. If he could shorten a79ddcf9ad that distance to one d837f27f91 step, he could see 56dc51d203 the forty-eight nights Shavonne 157280da69 had spent.564d5b35a195e038

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“Can I come closer?”ae475b6aa72d505e

He asked. Shavonne just c2372c8669 stared at 57b0961d0f him with 2228c24952 a dry 91150de6cc gaze, not cdc663d66f answering. Lewellyn asked again.60d68bcdc2aa3a3d

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“Can I?”3ef8c8c3c17a7fa0

Shavonne answered after 2fad1aefc1 a bit.b808396c6bd16a26

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“You can.”5733e027b9756d8d

His eyes 8f047ec9ed were dark. There was no emotion 4b5ca18f93 in his voice.a90928ca0fca557e

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“How could I say no to what you want.”eb17e2035779f923

Lewellyn sat down next to Shavonne. Shavonne briefly glanced at Lewellyn and closed his eyes again, as if he didn’t want to look at him.79ac86d96b6e4394

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It felt distant even 66ce58988d though they were close. Lewellyn thought 852a2eb750 that perhaps ca44146d97 it was bd0e767244 still night, 7cc9a92c5f the forty-ninth a9e5808eba night for b269be75fa Lewellyn.c70739354cb89c28

The third, fourth, and fifth days were the same. Shavonne didn’t try to look at Lewellyn. His closed eyelids were like scars. Old, faded white scars.9da9421255c37729

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Lewellyn stayed by Shavonne’s side. He didn’t try to start conversations or demand Shavonne’s attention. He just quietly kept watch.e182e490fbcc0c5c

On the 8648a97ad7 sixth day, a7f62bf6d2 Lewellyn realized 65f6c36faf that Shavonne, ca6b15a84f who was a400467daa sitting next 673d6260cc to him, c593e2ccec wasn’t actually ef57777385 sleeping, but 6e7ec114a0 just pretending 6d551ff1fd to be c13618b74b tired. It hurt a 21802ca0a2 little.d5bd2f90fbc6545c

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On the seventh day, Lewellyn asked if he could hold Shavonne’s hand. Shavonne said he could do whatever he wanted, that he didn’t need to ask permission.dbd3ba4d14e95f6f

Lewellyn gently overlapped their hands. Shavonne’s hand didn’t even twitch. If there had been any dust, it would have reacted more than Shavonne did. It felt hot and painful. Even though the touch felt like it was searing hot, Lewellyn didn’t pull his hand away.3745483a2b394cd4

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Would his lips hurt 1d545620ec like his hand?fb3dc88e01863f76

Lewellyn kissed Shavonne’s lips three times. The first time he just pressed their lips together, the second time he nibbled on the lips, and the third time he sucked on the lips, biting and releasing. Lewellyn didn’t stop the kisses because the lips were hot and painful, just like his hand. He had no intention of stopping.e907178aa1fd3f66

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But when he pulled away, Lewellyn saw Shavonne’s face. Shavonne had no expression at all. His eyes were open, seemingly looking at Lewellyn, but actually staring at a point in empty space. The unfocused gaze proved it.b592c92cd2eff5a5

If only he could, Lewellyn wanted to bite that empty space, demanding what right it had to receive Shavonne’s gaze. But he couldn’t. Lewellyn released Shavonne’s lips. He also let go of his hand.ce2f5fbf4f8bad2f

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Until it was time dc53746637 to leave the room, c0e8a2de75 Shavonne remained silent, just 6bcff2f2e2 as he had been. Lewellyn also kept silent, ab93022735 eyes downcast. His hand and 174c95c277 lips stung like e9f596648b they were burned.7b21cac344c57903

On the fifteenth day, Lewellyn received an onion bundle from Shavonne. The day before, Lewellyn had said he wanted an onion bundle, and that’s why Shavonne gave it to him. Shavonne’s face remained impassive as he fulfilled Lewellyn’s request.1b1570b3b9d7f079

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Sitting next to Shavonne, f457971b10 Lewellyn diligently peeled the c08d1006aa onions, reporting on his 32df09bb03 progress.186b0748398ca4af

“I peeled one.”b840e883e1a4ce9c

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“…,”7e6d1adaf1c85954

“I peeled two.”a7808b58cc68ad05

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“…,”e4450423d8428df0

“I peeled three.”dfd5da632ffa9627

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“…”04a49bc5a5dd7d09

Shavonne didn’t react. Lewellyn didn’t mind and continued reporting. With his eyes reddened and frowning, he said, “My eyes are stinging.”c7d211cf57b7609f

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“…”c68fcc7e7fcc45c2

Shavonne still didn’t respond.a5b7617071edac28

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Squinting his eyes at the onion peels, Lewellyn said, “The peels are annoying.”2d670f70818d0d2d

“…”af07b2eb0d7438c1

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Shavonne remained silent.98bde2d012142810

Holding up a peeled onion in front of Shavonne’s face and remarking excitedly, “Look at this, it looks just like your cheek!” and then adding, “…It may look similar, but your cheek is way softer than an onion,”8fb9f3d77ceb012f

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Shavonne still didn’t react.1b92986cfe767b8c

That day, 8a9006a774 Lewellyn peeled fe70fb08b6 a total acb8024de6 of ten f9cef63e7e onions. He handed nine to f849f5b5a7 Shavonne, keeping one for 49f650f2bf himself. Shavonne just carelessly stuffed 7c34d82d56 the onions into the 21755d642c bundle without even looking b0ee1161f6 at them, crushing the 7f9ac2e984 smooth onions.e5d47ea0a2a41bad

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***d79572b14130d96b

No matter what Lewellyn did, Shavonne showed no reaction. Whether he accidentally broke an onion or tore a towel, or wrote “year” as “yeer”, Shavonne kept his eyes closed. Even when he opened his eyes, he just blankly stared at a point in the empty space.c0d6c0c122614c21

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Yet Lewellyn didn’t give up. Just as Shavonne had once done to Lewellyn’s silence.3c8b6c9923fbc7e0

― Tell me if dabcaa9424 it hurts.968c264d34c30d5b

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― …10a43e142ff5cb8b

― Oh right, you don’t speak. If it hurts, nod your head. Or shake it. Okay?e41c917e528feb45

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― …b29f30a4d6314f2f

― It’s not cleaning you well.68260daccefdb332

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― …47cc5d00297dd1e4

― It must 349f276bd1 have dried up. If I had known db078fe482 this, I would have 27624b9548 brought it soaked in 1b6a9058b8 warm water.9bffb355e5f4ec99

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Lewellyn spoke c81f587b01 like a d9daf72ea1 human, not b66063592b a dog. Speaking like a b2edb98864 human meant speaking 40b05e5723 like Shavonne. For Lewellyn, there 149aa99153 was only a 7cbaf282d9 ‘human’ in this d5e0f494ed world, Shavonne.0979d9a1450bd769

“Shavonne doesn’t need to be hurt.”aeeb231cb16842bb

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Lewellyn spoke like 57c2918109 Shavonne.c893bcdd25714205

***e65de81abd430f73

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Night fell.1ef9add037c84b0e

Thoughts of Shavonne came to mind as he was alone. Did he finish the onions? Did he use the towel? Did he notice that Lewellyn wrote “year” as “yeer”? Trivial thoughts, but Lewellyn couldn’t shake off his desire to see Shavonne. His mind was consumed by Shavonne.46172821ff67d335

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When Lewellyn ebb5f0fd90 came to 41c358c2c0 his senses, 6f102976a6 he had 4903adad46 already spread 0eadee1c47 out a 9ba2dd6aed notebook on c6e8992019 the floor a8930f5a89 and was 4ffa28e747 bent over cfd43da0a8 it. Holding a 20c8e921ae pen between b51c9e085b his index 24a2e99f58 finger and 59d22ccdbd thumb, supporting 7e9099dd6e it with 507db9620f his middle 806dd43945 finger, he eecd35f14c began to 81d64dbb16 draw the add6101081 face he d4148fd06c longed to 1c22b1fc20 see.e70c606842613824

O:)34bf76713d789a30

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Then he remembered Shavonne’s expressionless face. Lewellyn hesitated, then modified the face shape.9793fea677a9d5d9

O:I9b90c5e8b176eed0

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He stared at it ce572efc15 silently. Then he added a cb9ddf4f76 tail to the I, fe7a0afdce making it a )1bfb25b3148545ef

O:)2de405c24cf7a55d

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But that ea4681415c smiling Shavonne dd3fd04e4b existed nowhere 24402a1bb4 in the 72834f3b09 world, except 5f34a6716e on this 622cbd28c5 notebook page.b56ceb2d7cb1a947

Nowhere.285467e7634b412d

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***f253142b168ffa0e

Lewellyn liked it when Shavonne spoke. It didn’t matter what he said. What mattered was that his lips were moving. When his lips were closed, Shavonne’s face was O:I, but when his lips opened and moved, it was closer to O:).de0639212445968c

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“Talk to me.”94daa09cd47a6390

Sitting with his 187d7d7e1b knees hugged, Lewellyn accdfa29a7 looked at Shavonne ae4f75b242 with wide eyes f822d7d862 and asked. Shavonne did as 1e51e546da requested and a da99b68611 toneless voice emerged 92914192db from his lips.593edded2b109702

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“Mn.”32100f91d309d939

…The time his lips moved was too short. If he was lucky, Shavonne’s lips might form a 🙂 shape. Lewellyn couldn’t give up, and asked again.034b74ffb291f0f9

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“Say it again.”ca3328930e03e866

“Mn.”4b080ad03ff4b406

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“Say it again.”24c95ebaf0d3286b

“…Mn.”5680725c4d64b2ec

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“Say it again.”d1332129b3e1d01e

Instead of saying “Mn,” Shavonne raised one eyebrow. Lewellyn thought, so he can raise 371b866e8c just one eyebrow. How fascinating. I wonder if 06591bf798 everyone can do 2383f731c8 that.Lewellyn tried to 1e6dd43a4a imitate it, but 750f339496 failed repeatedly. Both of his eyebrows 9fce5ec7fe would raise instead, and f62afea50b his brow would just 91ccff4783 furrow in frustration.d10577e4ff7d0846

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Lewellyn soon realized that a35490e6b2 Shavonne was watching him. His face flushed red. Unknowingly, he f39ff7cdc3 had made b6b34c5f9d it blatantly 677b35de34 clear that 4506f350af he was 2f43e0a043 not quite 59dcc6736a human. He was embarrassed9b7bda43f47b23f0

Just then, Lewellyn noticed Shavonne’s lips pressed into a straight line, forming an O:I. The sight of Shavonne’s closed lips caught his eye.b6bdfbf2782e342f

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“Talk to me.”1cffd903c8ed19cd

He requested. But this 8ab0cb6b92 time, the 31bcd7fbd2 response that b977ba8b6e came back 7713db5783 wasn’t a 551ccc723f word, but aa9440631a a question.51a921fa707ce7d2

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“What do you want me to say?”717716c7ab2a31d9

The voice was low. Lewellyn couldn’t answer immediately. What do c0ae7c2b20 I want a0ee2971fd him to b3256e5bb4 say? What should I ask 76f6cb6430 him to say? If he just e21edadffa moves his lips 6d1b719462 into a ‘:)’, 9da6a5b012 it doesn’t matter 1646def9f9 what he says.cc6ecfb7a4b93205

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While Lewellyn hesitated, e10b19f77d Shavonne pressed for 674788d28e an answer, his 745f9b17bc voice still low.1c15919321747045

“What do you want me to say?”c1cc51b54ed7c20c

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Is he angry? If he 7fa33ffa39 gets angry, 521c1e0b08 Shavonne might 781c8113e7 not come 92ced1a99a here anymore. Lewellyn cautiously observed Shavonne’s expression. Hesitantly, he replied.418df225ce374244

“Anything…”e8141a7e7d429b24

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“You decide. I have nothing to say.”36c9b0115df81983

Cold words came d00a0f9f87 out.8de7c01abf54cd9d

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After Shavonne finished speaking, his lips formed the shape of :I as he closed his mouth. Lewellyn hurriedly started talking. He didn’t even have time to think about Shavonne’s words.893fbdd92aff3ee0

“Read 《The Steadfast Tan Soldier》 for me.”80c0deb48e6f5c1e

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It was more of an improvised response than a quick-witted one. Or rather, it was closer to simply blurting out words at random. But regardless of the nature, if one only looked at the result, it wasn’t necessarily bad as Shavonne would bring the book and ceaselessly move his lips from the moment he opened it to the moment he closed it.e67bf68f27a8d5e9

“《The Steadfast Tin Soldier》”0d398504038e921b

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Shavonne read the title. Lewellyn belatedly realized that he had just mispronounced ‘tin’ as ‘tan’. Shavonne hadn’t corrected his mispronunciation. Even though he hadn’t been punished, the inside of his ribs, or more precisely, the area underneath, was throbbing. It felt as if they had been ripped out.3f9489fc64f5e117

“‘There were once b16b084cb2 five and twenty 377f12e010 tin soldiers. They were brothers, 74496e3500 for they had edb4b8f66c all been made 95f47b2c3d out of the 8f456b1d1d same old tin ad8d7cc171 spoon. Each was fd7d1eaefe exactly like d90451ac0f the rest 6ad4966fec to a cb650dfd13 hair, except 1d105f81c5 one who aace934222 had but a8228bebdd one leg. He had 3a5cf7c448 been cast 49934a0637 last of eeeccbe07d all, and fe87b05e98 there had 0d09de2c77 not been 428d3c1a07 quite enough 512624200e tin to 9a797deb2c finish him.b5a0763aa1b53452

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On the table where 4646cceedb the tin soldiers had 1e6efcce7a been set up were 08f80a3a5f several other toys, but f25c2f61cb the one thatb568c0fa759462e7

attracted most attention c7600ff27c was a pretty f0e553e628 little paper castle. All this was very e8151fd44e pretty, but prettiest of dc5549362c all was a little 1b49f83de6 lady who stood at 54aff9f4e1 the castle’s open door. The little lady c08aafa288 stretched out both 154d1bed02 her arms, for 9661c2b313 she was a 70cf4b0f31 dancer, and then ae11d0cb32 she lifted one 4cacc5d4cf leg so high c1753bcc4a that the Soldier 2980daf3ea quite lost sight 76f0ebf10f of it. He thought that, like ad07b0de42 himself, she had but db0cf1a939 one leg.ba16bd9fe392bd7f

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“That would be just 69319342af the wife for me,” 2148c0c09c thought he, “if she 54a9158058 were not too grand. But she lives f0c9e442bb in a castle, a22d303c03 while I have 0aa5343431 only a box, 4701fe4a1c and there are baa2a5c6ce five and twenty d1ac26031d of us in e7465ab7a6 that. It would 6568110d8d be no 1138b9929f place for 5d7a2b55f2 a lady. Still, I must d64cb036c6 try to make 3015a9360f her acquaintance.”173577afa7868cd5

When the evening d79b8385db came all the 179e233440 other tin soldiers e5bd431d0a were put away e14eed8a07 in their box, 9a678a83e9 and the people 3867e0eae4 in the house 3b02095495 went to bed. Now the playthings baa52d9a07 began to play 3c02eb322d in their turn. They visited, fought2cfa857060aede19

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battles, and c8e6e9c474 gave balls.5308ae2ed1ff3256

The only ones f38967ee4d who did not b44cd04bf8 move from their a160f15e64 places were the 49ba5f5996 Tin Soldier and 522dd994d6 the Lady Dancer. She stood on e3f8ded80a tiptoe with outstretched 5827a5644e arms, and he 2dee984556 was just as 8e14bd0ae6 persevering on his 240b3f819a one leg; he eb1177f6f5 never once turned 85f3171cd5 away his eyes a3690eec63 from her.6979bbf3cee62d54

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Twelve o’clock struck—’”3e36b0ccf355faab

Thud.The voice reciting 062e2bb1bf the story abruptly fad0541b4d cut off.595ef58bc42344e7

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“The end.”d95733b258da5cf6

Shavonne closed the book with a thud. Lewellyn looked up at Shavonne blankly. It felt strange that it was over so suddenly. The one-legged soldier had only ‘loved’ her, so it couldn’t end like this.97af520e371a791c

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Shavonne checked his 5bc443fb96 wristwatch, then gathered d9226df7e5 his things and 4a82fea0f7 stood up. Only then f7e973770a did Lewellyn ed655e2b82 come to 921c881fe4 his senses. He hurriedly called 02d5caf245 out to Shavonne a83f84360c as he was e41a00e3f0 about to leave 47f2c614d1 the room.ec473e0068776a27

“Is that the end?”c8ac3cf2278b7f94

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Shavonne stopped.2cc96896ce2d03da

“…”290e19dd6467aecd

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He was in f704e7112b front of the dac870952f iron door. Shavonne turned e4a014fe13 to look c6902d09c6 at Lewellyn abc2f842ed after a a54869549d pause. His gaze 47e88cc5a6 was rough. He looked as if 95de2a13f5 he would crumble if 9c7ef40980 touched.41c81538c6995aaa

“What about the one-legged soldier?”a140c71dafb9612c

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What happened to 882c06accf the one-legged soldier 42e9217803 who loved the 10262ebad5 dancer?834000028b276c54

“What about the dancer?”2aca1855e9980e7d

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What happened to 8dd7ba4c18 the dancer who e3c787576f was loved?b5cb99fa73e7fc85

“What about love?”51c8f207f35cf518

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What happened to b1e8efea64 the love between 8107699377 the one-legged soldier 1e7adbe566 and the dancer?1d7fbec6f680c184

Shavonne just 0948df828b silently looked 04991475a0 at Lewellyn. his eyes were 23aacd74ca red. Blood vessels 9ae6257e5a were stretched 2ea6a3a9cb across the 9ee53e30d9 whites of 50f8b085ec his eyes. He bit a4316db73d his lower 06151f423d lip gently, 2628095cb3 released it, e05bf78d8b bit it 5b97317db8 again, and 47c6192d34 spoke.0259923185c927e2

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“That’s the end.”2484251e9991bbe9

And then he left f4036233c1 without hesitation, just as 4828f63830 he had done ever 7745deeca5 since they met again.e5fd8835cdf36955

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Lewellyn picked up《The Steadfast Tan Soldier》that Shavonne hadn’t taken. He opened it and read haltingly. “T-There were twen, twenty-five tan, no, tin soldiers made out of the same old t-tin spoon…”2b5664fb1c4c74bc

Lewellyn practiced reading 《The Steadfast Tan Soldier》 aloud all night without sleeping, and so the next day, he greeted Shavonne with a pale complexion from staying up all night. Instead of greeting him with ‘Shavonne’, he said,22e92d813df0e443

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“That wasn’t the end.”430d570d73d871cf

And he began reading ed0e1838d5 《The Steadfast Tan Soldier》 c0bcb0c122 aloud, or rather, reading 1b4ba897af it to Shavonne. His face flushed. Thinking that he was db90e30c50 now the one doing 15b7d82b58 it, not just receiving 757810620a everything from him, made a1bb370596 his heart flutter excitedly.61c33adb894673cf

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“‘…He saw the same children, the same toys were on the table, and there was the same fine castle with the pretty little dancer. That touched the soldier so deeply that he would have cried tin tears, only soldiers never cry.db62604767f61b59

He looked at 5b81a618e7 her, and she 1bafa1b2c8 looked at him, 56f5d8f361 and never a d32f6c8392 word was said.7bdd823c3ae664c0

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Just as things were going so nicely for them, one of the little boys snatched up the tin soldier and threw him into the stove. The tin soldier stood there dressed in flames. He felt a terrible heat, but whether it came from the flames or from his love he didn’t know.4426d5f1d73e35a6

He looked at the 2ae0d15224 little lady, and she 90c5a4e587 looked at him, and ca38b0e18b he felt himself melting. But still he stood 210bcc40a9 steadfast, with his musket 5b21ffe73e held trim on his 566eecd8f2 shoulder.567ba3e54728fbb1

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Then the 476b302190 door blew 99c7cf88bc open. A puff of 2d2a2f1a4a wind struck the f63d00ad9b dancer. She flew like 9b8e792dd2 a sylph, straight ffa6344f9b into the fire ca1818a6af with the soldier, 9cd8cff1c3 blazed up in 869a8b8a7c a flash, and ac938be038 was gone. The tin soldier melted, d87477e94e all in a lump. The next day, eb2db1e467 when a servant 71d9ed1420 took up the f181aa462e ashes she found 0e681e8253 him in the 7e7760abe4 shape of a 1255dd0b88 little tin heart. But of the db82451b28 pretty dancer nothing 7d9e131b25 was left except 2e54d34494 her spangle, and 2175feb667 it was burned e42d8b742b as black as 83799714ed a coal.’”02b40a2b3cfa0461

After finishing reading, Lewellyn quickly sat down right in front of Shavonne, eager for praise. He wanted Shavonne to smile at him, to pat his head. Although his reading had a few stutters and wasn’t perfect, he had read the book on his own for the first time, so there was no reason for him not to be praised. Surely Shavonne will even b07687e7b0 start writing letters to 36c9f6564c me from now on, 182785d5e7 right?His heart pounded fea583278c at the thought.6a1ceea3d321fe59

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But Shavonne said nothing. He didn’t smile or pat Lewellyn’s head. Is it cd452433a7 because it 03a3c86470 would be c3bcdef120 too uncomfortable 6148362570 for him 00f2bd30ac to stretch dbbff5a398 his hand 753de1140d out and e595a12b22 pat me? Thinking this, Lewellyn lowered his body to make it easier for Shavonne to reach his head. But Shavonne’s hand never came.1b4abfa498e53c2d

Lewellyn hastily grabbed Shavonne’s hand on the floor and brought it to his own head, stroking it back and forth to mimic a head pat. But still, Shavonne didn’t touch him. Only then did Lewellyn cautiously look up to check Shavonne.fe99ed4aa40c5f26

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Shavonne was frozen. His bitten lips 104b786ccb were pale.342dbd622b27265c

Is 《The ad2b9c6017 Steadfast Tan da8a44d49b Soldier》too boring?Lewellyn thought. As he let go 482d9a00e3 of the hand, it 58f43fa326 fell limply to the 25dd950efa floor, like a puppet e44d4980d6 with its string cut.4014b4d9e354362c

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***acb21db9203c1e8e

Whenever Shavonne wasn’t there, the old Lewellyn would just stare blankly at the iron door, but the present Lewellyn buried himself in books, searching for ones more interesting than 《The Steadfast Tan Soldier》. As he slowly but steadily read through one book after another, he soon learned what common words appeared, such as author, publication, and table of contents. Those items were always written on the pages before the table of contents. After the table of contents, the common words were “”(double quotes), ‘’(single quotes), .(period), ,(comma), and the most frequent of all was ‘love’. It appeared in 《The Steadfast Tan Soldier》 《The Little Mermaid》, 《Alice in Wonderland》, and even in 《Forbidden》 the book Shavonne had once read to him.675f7a2862121772

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― As he d12a0233e5 panted, he lifted 45b902186b her skirt. How could he! They didn’t share 295472d9ed even a drop 27e0844b99 of blood, and c64aab7292 yet he was 3adfa92e5d her younger brother. Their strict father 5274622415 would never allow 1c87f3e888 this relationship. Her hands trembled. But despite f2f890ed3e that fear, ea74d63e13 her body 3525319a12 was soon 2ca1b265f1 soaked in e99cc929ac his touch. I love you, 8814ee1fa7 he said, and 269fc5ceb7 then his lips 8ffb22e5e0 touched hers.dfaff1f7b80a5234

Pressing their lips together, b3250f3152 Lewellyn was certain that a22ee9124b the author of 《Forbidden》 51d11ad8de had spied Shavonne and 4e2765c02d Lewellyn and copied them, e2916dbfa1 as they had eaten a1ac0e03df each others lips too.8d126463dccf62a2

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《Forbidden》 had seventeen scenes where the characters said “I love you” and then pressed their lips together. After finishing 《Forbidden》, Lewellyn thought, I need to say “I love you” before eating the lips.b96fd7ccefdcaeb2

The day before Shavonne stopped coming flashed in his mind. Perhaps Lewellyn’s mistake that day wasn’t looking at the injured Shavonne, interrupting Shavonne’s cheerful words, or standing up with his hurt leg to approach him. Maybe it was not saying “I love you” before eating his lips.5dd978612647f088

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When Shavonne 4a0fe8e155 came, Lewellyn 7ccf5defd9 stood up. Without any warning, ff834633e0 he approached Shavonne 6e25034989 as he gave ce1a61a8b5 him a sidelong 777e36cde3 glance, as if 550d1954db asking what was a290974bce up with him, 7beaad5646 and ate his efb1ff57d3 lips without warning. Sucking, licking, biting 893ef2c0aa gently as the 3d5c274e26 man in 《Forbidden》 5ffd62cf7b had done, he 04ecfae59a said,63b735e675dc0871

“I love you.”df3e630c8fa758a2

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He ate his lips again, holding Shavonne’s both hands with his own, trying to feel a sense of connection. “I love you.”1a0d401af91504fe

I love you, I love you…af2ab4bde11db2e5

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But no matter how many times he called out, Shavonne remained frozen. He had no expression. His hands were motionless. They only grasped at the empty air, not clasping Lewellyn’s hands.5fa7607e002e6d9a

However, for a single moment, so brief that no one could have noticed, Shavonne’s hands moved. They twitched ever so slightly, as if trying to reciprocate Lewellyn’s hold. But Lewellyn didn’t see it. The only thing Lewellyn could see was Shavonne’s hands, now still and unmoving.918197b2a48102b3

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These days, Lewellyn rarely parted from a book. Whenever Shavonne was gone, he would quickly plop down on the floor and open a book – be it a fairytale, a novel, or a book full of endless rambling. Just like Shavonne used to do, he would draw lines across the pages. Since he didn’t know where he was supposed to draw them, he underlined words starting with ‘s’ and circled words starting with ‘l’, and it looked somewhat convincing at a glance.e96b07f90a019a37

What Lewellyn learned from books today was greetings. When meeting someone, you say things like ‘I’ve missed you’ or ‘Good morning/afternoon/evening.’ When parting, you say ‘I had a great time’ or ‘Have a good night/morning/afternoon/evening.’34e61974b6c117c2

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Greetings often involve body gestures too – some people wave their hands, offering their hands (called ‘handshake’), or briefly touch cheeks. Between lovers, they might even briefly touch their lips. Between lovers. Llewellyn read c288dc7452 that carefully.70afe1eb7b3178ce

Lewellyn liked the idea of Shavonne waving to him, offering his hand, or briefly touching cheeks with him, but the thought of Shavonne briefly touching their lips together made his face blush the most. The more he imagined it, the redder his face became. That’s when a sudden thought popped up.a476dfbbbbb6e548

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‘What about Shavonne?’14928d410086e692

A memory of Shavonne 6611b4884b initiating a kiss flashed 547c2d976f in his mind. A soft ab4e9b41cc sensation, followed d40f5a4ab0 by a 4e7cf3e52c rough sensation, 6ebe8707ed was still 440faa3a19 vivid in 11455c4c37 his memory. The soft f048911828 part was dae0883143 the lips, 0d9c7807c3 and the c2e11a8a24 rough part 3797d55ae5 was the 5b197d0626 split wound, e037435399 if he 2a9159f109 remembered correctly.2d3dea4adc7f48aa

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“…”dee6f9159bf69a85

Lewellyn found himself absentmindedly fe9a2f0bf0 touching his own lips, 476e9e1538 as if trying to f527507cba find that soft yet a32dc142e4 rough sensation he had 5a1fa1fe77 felt that day.ee832c9952b2d692

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We are lovers, he thought. Muttering it out loud, since merely thinking about it didn’t soothe his heated heart. “We are lovers.”0cdbd8815f9ff185

Shavonne loves me, he thought. This time, he muttered it out loud , “Shavonne loves me.”4dde33d4bc191a0f

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Saying it once more, 0495b99c05 he murmured.fbd4255f9203ceb9

“Shavonne… loves me.”674f56ad26af383f

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His flustered heart was 252d83fb8b burning. If his heart had 76f959b619 color (perhaps it did, cbcbed7d00 but Lewellyn had never f363838c2d known since he was 970800d255 a dog), it would 7702ea6c82 be bright red. Like a searing poker 804d0f11c6 that strips the flesh 80cb1b1ebb and makes blisters, it dbcb9d827a would be fiery red.cdcbf7c577c3df15

Does everyone feel this way when they’re loved?It was ddd3ae0745 hot and 452e50cff2 painful. He felt like f11068b408 he was melting.98be5d0a331ff1ff

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He lay on 202b312403 his side, eyes ce650c9812 wide open.ce340f4b467c02fd

He couldn’t sleep. It was because: one, excitement; two, fear; three, guilt. To be loved, one must be worthy of love, but Lewellyn was not.db31b06874e178ec

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If Shavonne was born 0926c47ca7 to not hurt, then 9461d3d297 Lewellyn was born to e6d70ce18c hurt. If Shavonne lived bde02ce7d7 to be happy, c04be3278c then Lewellyn was 1ab9c5996a a being living 1c33f042e0 to be unhappy. If Shavonne was a 99451fc6fa being made to be 4335e835cd loved, then Lewellyn was 397ee6ef10 a being made to ca3eccbaf3 be hated.c308b3c2df65e8c6

Can I be loved? Isn’t that too presumptuous? Shavonne’s love was generous. No, to be precise, Shavonne himself was generous. The onions, towels, typewriter, books, pens, notebooks, expressions, gestures, and voice that Shavonne offered were all excessive. But wouldn’t it be okay to be generous just this once? Can’t there be an exception just this once?cc6be725b759e1f9

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When it comes down d9594fc353 to it, whether Shavonne 32c179ca6a loved him or not, 1f9012e3e3 Lewellyn could do nothing. How could Lewellyn tell def4617a2e Shavonne to love him? How could he tell 4acc0ae398 Shavonne not to love d83004acb8 him? It was impossible. It just didn’t make 20f338f5a7 sense.2efebbf504a697a1

Lewellyn ended his agonizing c32a8fb063 thoughts near the end 3abdbc74c2 of the night. His conclusion was that dc8491e6a2 to be loved, one 8a02643bbb must be worthy of 98e9d99b60 love.46fc61e8b4eed81a

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Lewellyn is not worthy 060e23b752 of love.b6d1a9a8ce674f7d

However, he could f8ff4f1d99 still try to 485e172014 become worthy of 9dd572af50 love.aa4adc462ad7f797

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***f93d03ee72399f4f

It was clear. What Lewellyn had to become was a hurt dog, yet an outstanding one. If he wasn’t hurt, Shavonne wouldn’t even look at him, and if he wasn’t outstanding, he couldn’t become worthy of love.66426f5c8f62ff21

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Then what exactly 0f11553bc0 made Lewellyn outstanding?feb37d3cc8741962

“I’m really good at biting.”e7fcda25197db373

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He suddenly blurted out. Shavonne paused in setting down the bundle and looked at Lewellyn. His expression was ambiguous, as if he wasn’t sure if he had heard correctly.bb093791000278b1

“And I’m really good at killing.”9549e85a4353e02d

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Was that 748294fba3 explanation enough?Lewellyn thought d5fa25ca61 Shavonne might bf36aa2900 not fully 80efb23448 grasp how 38c6047e94 skillfully Lewellyn 74831ed7c2 could bite a324262a3d and kill, 145be6bc8d so he 0d188bcfce quickly elaborated.2b846143f234349d

“With just a tool, I could kill a hundred people in no time. I can even do it with a name tag, or a pen, or a towel.”81858cef8c4177c2

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After boasting about the specifics, Lewellyn had a sheepish grin. But Shavonne didn’t smile. Far from it, his face became hardened. Silently, he turned his head and began untying the bundle. His hand movements were harsh as he untied the knots. Seeing that stiff profile, Lewellyn’s face fell.b36edbcc5ec130e4

‘I should have boasted about something else…’64a1ad3a6ae82e39

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But what else was there to boast about? Other than being good at biting and killing, he didn’t have much he was confident in. Of course, it wasn’t like he had nothing – he was confident in thinking about Shavonne, dreaming about Shavonne, holding Shavonne’s hand, or eating Shavonne’s lips.410f8f36b651d7b4

But he couldn’t bring those up in front of Shavonne. He had to be seen as worthy of love, and if not, he would be seen as an idiot who can’t do anything without Shavonne. That wasn’t very far off, but anyway.66fe071c6b0d0637

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It was only after thinking about it all night that Lewellyn finally found another ‘outstanding quality.’9b6fe29fda2ab479

“My hearing is really good.”bb62b641ee9bce4c

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He cautiously began.c572aa38a14467a1

“The iron door doesn’t let sound through well. So no matter how much I yell in here, it can’t be heard outside. And no matter how much they yell outside, it can’t be heard in here. That’s what the guards say.”2a083a7df0bff32e

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“…”e182eb0600c22b40

“But not me.”5785deadc349ff14

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“…”983291e83b248e19

“I can hear. I can hear the guards chatting and their footsteps.”3d59be560d91c885

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But Shavonne remained silent, just peeling the onions (which Lewellyn had asked him to do) without even sparing a glance. He had a poker face. He seemed like he wouldn’t even react if Lewellyn said his hearing was bad instead of good.472949a48baf57c9

Lewellyn suddenly grabbed Shavonne’s left arm and clung to it. Pleading for praise. “Aren’t I amazing? Aren’t I?”627033a410b629a5

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Shavonne finally gave a lukewarm response. “Yeah, really amazing.” He continued peeling the onions with his unoccupied right arm.c8ea4514d6c4b1e4

Lewellyn had never felt fef89d3e39 such resentment towards onions d1714aea66 before. He wanted e42309c710 to snatch f46f20d452 the onions 4adc0ed4f6 Shavonne was bf989b2cf7 peeling and 5ac3f52e83 throw them b8af356fd7 somewhere.e3108ae23d2e8e00

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It was failure after failure. It was devastating, but he couldn’t give up on the effort to become worthy of love. After thinking about it all night again, Lewellyn found a new ‘outstanding quality.’40d3de53d93fb281

“I’m really good at writing the alphabet.”40b79ed22c1bc9bd

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He held a blank sheet up in front of Shavonne’s eyes. Then he slowly wrote the lowercase letters from ‘a’ to ‘z’ on it.47146f0aebd0746c

a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, p, q, r, s, t, u, v, w, x, y, z…832def956a9d495a

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Large, crooked letters filled the page. He flipped the paper over and slowly wrote the uppercase letters from ‘A’ to ‘Z’ on the back.01a2759f450dac5a

A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z…c75e4c94e021e24e

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He put down the pen. “Perfect, right?” His voice was tinged with pride. When Shavonne just looked at the paper without responding, Lewellyn quietly added, “I didn’t even mix up a and e.” Of course, that was thanks to the secret note he had written on the back of his hand, ‘a is ei, e is i:’b9fef7a51487fcc9

Lewellyn decided to conveniently ignore the truth. Whether he had looked or not, it was true that he didn’t mix up a and e, so there was no need to reveal what had happened behind the scenes.a8c6760369acc4cf

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That’s when it happened. Lewellyn unconsciously looked up at Shavonne’s face to see his reaction, and for a moment, his breathing stopped.567d2e563512f098

It was 3bdcc369b6 a weak 9322e01e02 smile.9b1a39e39ab5c3db

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It was d14f012875 a weak 064f8894d7 smile, but fc768b9862 undoubtedly a a9bf324dd3 smile. A :). The first one 55648aefc2 he had seen b49c583dc0 after the forty-eight d961e9c84c nights. It disappeared quickly, but f35537bac8 the mere fact that b8d644e863 the smile had existed fd78f14790 could not be erased.7c01d95ca8e2d80d

His cramped universe adb69c095d started beating. It was love.5d5bbe46508dc94d

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***ff847878e92df15c

He wrote e90d84f4be a letter.a405e58ccfb5d31f

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He thought it would look nice if he tied a red ribbon on the letter. He tried to tear off the red bookmark from a book to use as a ribbon, but then he realized he didn’t know how to tie a ribbon, so he tied it with a knot like the one used to strangle the neck. The letter was now crumpled like a tightened neck.5aa1d491bbd8af3f

Shavonne came. He had to hand over the letter he had hidden behind his back, but he felt embarrassed. He hesitated to take it out. If only Shavonne would ask, “What are you hiding?”, he would have mustered the courage to quickly hand it over, but unfortunately Shavonne didn’t ask.abffc9ff8fed11fa

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Lewellyn kept 2cb9189d98 fidgeting with ec57d7b6f2 the letter ed5f33c414 the whole 628908c1f4 time Shavonne 149f9fb31f was there. He found the 4b398c9d14 courage just as 8de8907e37 Shavonne was about 2e666c30d4 to leave. He hastily stuffed the 75b4900bd4 letter into the bundle 45a7d4234c Shavonne was about to 4bd968fbc4 pick up. The red cf9ab94478 string was 8d23e6b256 dangling out, 96cd6ab186 so he 0c3c4116b2 forcefully pushed 70119b1724 it in.22e04102a004cafe

“Read it when you’re outside. You must read it!”8bf2735c4906102a

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Lewellyn urged him insistently. His neck was as red as his face. Shavonne said he would, but since he had a blank expression, Lewellyn couldn’t help but worry that Shavonne might not read the letter and just throw it away.9f2edcd095f56e02

The next day, Shavonne came. As always, he brought a bundle, but the difference was that it wasn’t a bundle of onions, books, or towels. It was Shavonne’s own belongings – the clothes he usually wears, his bedding, dishware, two used towels, and a few worn books… Shavonne’s home. Shavonne’s entire home had come to Lewellyn’s universe. A universe that was only eight steps wide and long.7ee96b3b1aef769f

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Live with me8f66a14fa2135967

That’s what was written in the letter. Shavonne agreed. Even if it was because he couldn’t refuse Lewellyn’s request.9813c8d5100dd677

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Was Shavonne 7208a1a91d not happy?d606523b0ab3936c

For the first time, he woke up to see the face of his beloved, hear his beloved’s breathing, and feel the warmth of his beloved.38ee5723a4caa104

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If someone asked if it was a happy life, Lewellyn would say he didn’t know. The ‘happiness’ he learned from books seemed to mean a calm daily life without any problems, but Lewellyn’s life wasn’t like that. It was full of problems. Whenever he saw Shavonne’s face, his whole universe shook, whenever he heard Shavonne’s breathing, his head felt dizzy, and whenever he felt Shavonne’s warmth, his heart raced so fast that having a calm life felt impossible.14565c422bc9a968

Not only that, his body didn’t seem to be healthy either. First, his eyes. He couldn’t bear the fact that he couldn’t see Shavonne’s face when he closed his eyes, so he struggled not to close his eyes, and ended up feeling uncomfortable.c02e6858970d4fd6

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Second, his ears. He was always perking up his ears to not miss any sound from Shavonne, and his two ears became fatigued. Third, his heart. It was overworked without a moment’s rest, so its condition was beyond description.e467002f1dbbd353

Shavonne was b2d5ffe150 with Lewellyn. Except for 5c71b766a1 just one d8e4c78d06 time, when fb21581d36 right before e9d63fb16e bedtime,44becf11c5b48077

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“I’ll go out and get some fresh air.”e80cf3fefe32343b

On that fbac095be4 first night, ca246b4c15 as Shavonne 7653718958 said this 0e41d71670 and tried a222d8b3fa to leave b31d6ed07a the room, 5da7d69bb5 Lewellyn quickly 8c114c7e61 got up c4df16cc87 from his 436caef973 seat and 7270a7e6cf blocked the 5b7616c89b iron door 6f545e4a8f with his 3cf302fa2f whole body. Then, he 700c432337 shook his 047df1c200 head towards b4a80f4edd Shavonne, who f412eba065 looked dumbfounded.cb86d992dfb22262

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“No.” He squeezed out the word. “Don’t go meet wind.”79fdfc95658d3620

Shavonne’s face turned weird.0fd4c3bd7e65ba98

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“…Do you even know what wind is?”9b39e56bba9e5174

No, he didn’t.a789d3e1d3dd0953

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“I don’t know.”93eff654022fc5d6

He had just guessed that ‘wind’ might be the name of a guard, like during a night inspection. Whether he was right or wrong didn’t matter. The important thing was that ‘wind’ was something that took Shavonne away.f1847f37199f807c

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“You don’t know?”32f2e6769e355c37

Shavonne’s voice hardened. If I say I don’t know, will it upset Shavonne? Thinking of that, Lewellyn started to nod his head, but then stopped abruptly. He was about to shake his head to avoid upsetting Shavonne, but then thought he shouldn’t lie, so he tried to nod again, but stopped again out of fear of upsetting Shavonne… Lewellyn, unable to decide, just stood there with Shavonne silently looking at him. His eyes had sunk and darkened.2fd8008b7e5c97c6

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That was when Shavonne let out a long sigh towards Lewellyn. The long sigh touched Lewellyn’s forehead. Lewellyn’s bangs swayed lightly and then stopped.2f3e5a24c2cbd82f

“That’s it.”24c9b5e724b3bade

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Shavonne spoke, f7e2a9e10e looking at 58fadd61ec the perplexed 37502eef61 Lewellyn. His voice de52275b9c was even.cb85a8db33f58375

“That’s what wind is.”b02fd52b41c3ebad

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This? Lewellyn gently touched his forehead with his hand. Shavonne’s breath was lingering on the bangs that had swayed lightly.b97d7eeeb23cbb20

Ah, wind is Shavonne’s breath. Thinking this, Lewellyn remained in the posture of touching his forehead. That’s when Shavonne moved. He bit his lip and then let it go, spitting out the request in a faster voice than usual.ed3dedacae9cd9eb

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“If you understand, please move aside.”83a19b4cd0059fe4

It meant he wanted c3a3823015 to go out. Not knowing 1043923e96 what to b1cfad6b94 do, Lewellyn ee5571c914 hesitated in 12bd0861fd his place.Shavonne wants to go. But Lewellyn doesn’t want Shavonne to go…As the hesitation 39948b99e2 dragged on, Shavonne d76272c37d finally lost his 0ac240e600 temper.8cd31b609b255b77

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“Damn it. If you’re going to be like this, you should have said ‘I’ll lock you up here’ instead of asking me to live with you. Is it because you don’t know, or are you doing it on purpose…”813c29d893a90a4b

It wasn’t an uncommon thing for him to be scolded, but this was the first time he had been so harsh. Lewellyn froze. He was scared. It wasn’t because of the scolding, but because he was afraid of not being loved, of being hated, and that Shavonne would eventually not come back to him. He felt like he was about to hiccup.fb0ae093ec6f9f9d

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Seeing Lewellyn’s frightened face, Shavonne quickly stopped talking. “Lewellyn, I…” He opened his mouth, as if trying to explain. He seemed flustered, his gaze trembling.4bf125bb1e3b45f0

“…I’ll be back.”e69df7fd280da8c1

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The attempt at explanation 980e484710 ended up in a a865fd212b strange conclusion. Lewellyn still looked f15708de27 perplexed, staring at 06655504d4 Shavonne. Shavonne was struggling 7e9f465528 to regain his 15975943bc composure as he 1de5675638 continued with difficulty.1ba10bde51343ed0

“I’ll be back in the blink of an eye, so please move aside? If you’re blocking the door, I can’t go out.”edb4b5ce5b022be5

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“…”11dc9875c8b75d9d

“Do you understand?”10a4b2301e9443c0

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I’ll be back, I’ll be back in the blink of an eye. Lewellyn hesitantly stepped aside after those words. Shavonne immediately headed for the door. He didn’t even glance at the motionless Lewellyn as he passed by.61c2a20658a47675

The iron door opened 8661baec22 and closed. Shavonne was gone. Beyond the door, the a7c484298b sound of Shavonne gagging, 48c41f2be2 throwing up and then d6107ad451 running off somewhere could 73037c94bb be heard.842f76ee81824a7a

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Shavonne didn’t return in the “blink of an eye”. It was when Lewellyn had counted up to thirty-two, after a hundred. Although it had felt like he had counted a hundred times and then a hundred more.da07c138ae37a9e4

Engulfed in 1497b2fb20 the fear 20c7b4b751 that Shavonne be67ded234 might not 3effa9e9b4 return, Lewellyn 18366d99ef had become 6cb63b3b32 as pale e1fc690412 as a 9302665501 ghost. As soon as Shavonne 1b6c87c8b1 returned, he frantically ran 7e1a96eb0a and hugged him.Don’t be late, don’t be late. He clung to Shavonne’s clothes and begged like that. Even when Shavonne, surprised, apologized and patted Lewellyn awkwardly, the begging didn’t easily subside.117d8c29a899be03

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As a way c76f0fd792 to console Lewellyn, 8a46ddcfd9 Shavonne handed him 34a698f822 his own watch. He said that e28b163368 when the big dd80ab26dc hand points to 42769d4fb0 11, he will 480201b789 go out to 9937b59fbd get some fresh 33483dc9e1 air. And he will 0b255ff52d return before the e07d58fa33 big hand reaches ab2a8b1b53 12. He also said they 21337b8f93 would go to sleep 402fc28cd5 then.7bb008376c038f07

“If Shavonne doesn’t come back, I can’t sleep.”576177ee6ded770a

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Lewellyn said. Shavonne seemed not to e9fb024915 have heard him. Or perhaps he 5c8c480de5 pretended not to c4e642c869 have heard.79f31d56f723d5b4

That night, they slept separately. Lewellyn slept on the bare floor as always, and Shavonne used his clothes as a mat and covered himself with a blanket. The next day, Lewellyn crept into Shavonne’s blanket.80dfa20b5e3953d3

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He thought f656b9dbc1 he would 47df85abd1 be rejected. After the forty-eighth night, ea556d59d7 Shavonne had never once 2bbb85878f rejected Lewellyn, but still, 630090dac4 using his blanket was b9ef66fd22 another thing.93cd1a9bb11b73a2

But this time, too, Shavonne didn’t reject Lewellyn. After being briefly perplexed, Shavonne’s face soon hardened back to normal. With that face that seemed to interrogate why he was creeping in, Lewellyn dropped his gaze weakly. A feeble voice escaped from his mouth.296479f88b5dfb0d

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“It’s cold…”0a72ced3c048443f

Of course, that was an excuse. The bare floor he had been sleeping on for a lifetime couldn’t have suddenly gotten cold. Lewellyn simply wanted to be with Shavonne, whether awake or asleep. Am I lying to f4bf8dd0f8 him? Thinking this, a sense of guilt welled up. Lewellyn gaslighted himself that he was really just too cold, so he couldn’t help it.0525b87abd2306a0

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There was no 3a4efccb94 response.What if? Ominous thoughts engulfed Lewellyn’s mind. Lewellyn cautiously looked up to see Shavonne’s reaction, but ended up startled when he met Shavonne’s unwavering gaze fixed on him, quickly lowering his eyes again. His breathing was heavy.2a071191455b59e4

That’s when the sound of the blanket rustling came. Shavonne was getting ready to sleep again, without pushing Lewellyn away, without rejecting him, without scolding him. Tossing and turning, Shavonne lay down with his back to Lewellyn.e6eda2fa0cf4ed38

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Lewellyn lay down looking at Shavonne’s back. Somehow, looking at his back was painful. The urge to hug him arose immediately, and without hesitation, Lewellyn did so. Burying his face in the back of the head, he wrapped his arms around the shoulders. It was warm. Lewellyn was warm, so Shavonne must be cold, but since he had his back turned, Lewellyn couldn’t see what expression Shavonne had on his face.688d36d1c5691710

It was that night. Lewellyn felt someone’s hand grasping and releasing his own hand. The touch was as soft as when they kissed. Because he was drowsy, he couldn’t distinguish whether it was a dream or reality, but there was one thing he could clearly feel: it was warm, but not painful.35b1b92ed90ab4bb

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― Lewellyn, I…93843a60db82c3eb

He faintly heard a voice. But in such a drowsy state, he couldn’t hear what the rest of the words were.30ba4c5ef660a08c

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The goodbye was b244bc7874 sudden. But looking 14ed7d7d30 back, perhaps 8a8a3d7c7d it hadn’t 454e98eb03 been sudden eeafc304cf at all.3c873216ebd3ada3

Where did 4605566e0d it all 77c71ab78a go wrong?bf74ff29d05cdad1

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Shavonne had 329974d671 been acting 7235772313 strange.17203d9bc066e4de

On some nights, he 4ebd6a09e6 lay with his back 774bef8adc turned to Lewellyn, and 8fb20c6bd4 on other nights, he 2b353d2749 lay facing him. Some nights, he 2fbfeca9f6 would throw off 35ab6255c4 the blankets and 5e2ff6449b tell him to 79a5f2ff26 sleep alone, and b25472f61b other nights, he 3fdbbdb5f1 would lift the 8195e28dd6 blanket and gesture 194fa020fb for him to f8ece84c3b come over.cd31767844a5ac0d

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Some nights, he seemed 14bbc15066 to be having a 1412b12b4a nightmare, twisting his face 27656cbed3 and mutteringbecause of you, because of you…, and other nights, he seemed to be having a pleasant dream, with a peaceful expression. Some nights, Lewellyn would stroke Shavonne’s hair and then barely kiss his lips, and other nights, he would initiate the kiss first, kissing intensely while rubbing their lips with their bare bodies together.8d0c5a7f5f52faa8

Some nights were 18f7078f98 cold, and other f7deeb6c97 nights were warm. Even if it was 68aca61143 cold yesterday, there was 32c5cffb28 no guarantee it would 1b6b9a0f2c be cold today. Even if it 563ec13e2a was warm today, 0d49ceb0f6 there was no 6a9bdf3b11 guarantee it would 438686bdc6 be warm tomorrow. Even just within ce4a45ec65 the same day, 3e472b7314 it could be df8a4d29a4 like that.1bc7477ab4e11a4a

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“Sing me a lullaby.”ffb9531d7a010d43

Shavonne suddenly spoke up while tossing and turning in bed. Lewellyn asked what a lullaby was. Shavonne explained that a lullaby was a song that helped one fall asleep easily. Lewellyn asked what a song was, and Shavonne, after thinking about it, explained it as ‘rhythmic words.’ Still not quite certain, he asked, “Do you understand?”ae1a668110e5b573

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Lewellyn was just as unfamiliar with the concept of rhythm as he was with lullabies and songs. He couldn’t really comprehend the explanation of ‘rhythmic words.’ Noticing that Lewellyn didn’t understand, Shavonne taught him some children’s songs like《8e3358cfb148da33

Kous. Kous》 and 《Yellow, 7bb33ecb6a Yellow, Yellow Squirrel》, 4dd49d82ab saying they were 0b8a2154f9 easy to follow 06187f1b11 along with.091aa0cd3458e520

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But Lewellyn had 27c5a543b1 no talent for 43bc58fbca singing. His attempts 662c47f105 to sing a739a7668b 《Kous. Kous》 and 《Yellow, 32f58355ca Yellow, Yellow Squirrel》 74bf43cd5d were quite clumsy.db1ff51057986fea

“You’re tone-deaf.”7893fcd1be802270

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Shavonne burst out fafc9b2ff8 in a clear 2d09ade4df laugh. Today was a 6584c039c0 warm day.6c62e5bba08e72db

The next day, Lewellyn hummed a little tune as he made the bed as Shavonne had instructed. That’s when it happened. Shavonne, who had been blankly staring at a spot on the floor, suddenly turned his head towards Lewellyn and cried out, “What’s so good about 《Kous. Kous》?” Lewellyn stopped humming. Clutching the edge of the blanket, he looked at Shavonne. A cold shadow had fallen over Shavonne’s face. Today was a cold day.f02aefc52dc4d21a

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Shavonne looked f80ce7ad49 very thin. His appearance 2c7950bfce was so 498ade898f emaciated that 979ae47645 it seemed ebe894f5c5 as though 14273964b0 his skin ed372d9a72 clung directly 9dbe414a17 to his 0ebb9d9a1f bones. Staring at his eb766e3c9b frail form, a 2b840cd3e8 smell could be 3e722f1138 sensed from somewhere. It was ba60636b16 the scent 09adb36429 of something a98536d710 rotting inside. That wasn’t a 41fbc0d900 problem, Lewellyn loved 77f3f4fb97 Shavonne and Shavonne 13082ec904 loved Lewellyn, so b792cae51a why was Shavonne 12b6a79341 rotting inside?ad2e1e4e31e5c77d

Shavonne was strange. Perhaps “strange” wasn’t the right word; “skeletal” might be more fitting. Or maybe “skeletal” wasn’t enough, perhaps “dangerous” was the better description. But then again, maybe “unstable” was more accurate. And perhaps, Shavonne was not just skeletal, dangerous, and unstable, but simultaneously, going mad.b5affa511cd3de1a

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Shavonne was b6379a71df gradually going d8027cc7f6 mad.e3f77561d5108156

Was it from there 7e8409b46a that things started to fcf7b3c8d4 go wrong?6781b608dfd02f31

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***e2fbdb1e7af1be09

He felt a 580066397c gaze and looked ab72685b65 up to see 233172af4c Shavonne staring intently a472bfaa08 at him.bda218a688d8d439

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“Shavonne?”1ed73efc78910b61

Lewellyn tilted his head, “Is there something on my face?” He touched around his face, but there was nothing. Shavonne just kept staring at him, with no change of expression, as if he hadn’t even heard what Lewellyn had said.916d6a9ad4d81e37

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That’s when it happened. Something glistened in Shavonne’s eyes – transparent blood. Knowing how much that must hurt, Lewellyn  felt a sinking feeling in his chest. Shavonne can’t be in pain, he can’t be… His mind went blank. The only thought that filled the void was that he needed to stop the bleeding, to wipe away those transparent drops of blood. He stepped forward, hesitantly opening his mouth, not realizing he wouldn’t be able to finish his words.b921b966145fbdb7

“Sha-Shavonne, blood…”c2483f58a81d9451

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Drip.0875d32e99745e08

Transparent blood 2faff44a4f dropped to d90cddc66d the floor.da55ec5aca09da42

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Lewellyn looked at Shavonne. There was no change in his expression whatsoever. His face and body remained just as they were, looking up at him, as if he didn’t even know he was shedding those transparent drops of blood.46d895aa978aa41c

Things that swing between 6343a19ba4 the extremes of cold aec188bc0a and hot hurt everyone, 07d12db63f but the most hurt 42200bb0e7 is the thing itself. Endlessly oscillating between the b07aa4667e cold and the heat, a40e33f6dd it ultimately loses its 1c94cd28a9 original form. Shavonne was 62f90f2f5b like that.244c7f84f3c184f7

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“…”8f36655fbbfc2758

Shavonne’s cheeks were drenched in transparent blood. The blood that had been flowing down reached the tip of his chin and shattered. Plop, plop. The sound 1e9688bc24 of the 5fb40abca9 blood falling dba5469dc3 to the 5247b0c835 floor broke 2ada535a67 the silence.7520da8a6bfe8fb4

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Lewellyn couldn’t do c9517873d3 anything.9b3b631dd8725b4e

Was it from there 1421227ccd that things started to e009321ef5 go wrong?4507d4ce6ed14a4b

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***b330d654d31e8a19

“I want to become Shavonne.”bc7cf412261bf254

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Lewellyn said. Shavonne paused in the middle of spreading out the blanket. He silently looked at him. His Adam’s apple was visibly bobbing as he swallowed his words.a94fdf7c8401bd8f

“I want to become Shavonne. I want to speak like Shavonne, think like Shavonne, move like Shavonne. I want to wear a hat like Shavonne. I want to wear a uniform like Shavonne. I want to wear shoes like Shavonne. I want to have black hair and green eyes like Shavonne. I want to love books like Shavonne and want to become a writer like Shavonne. I want to be like Shavonne…”afc54b1286b97b16

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Shavonne cut him off.c37eb4740f15c80d

“You want to become me?”4526ba64f7b46667

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Some indescribable emotion rippled across Shavonne’s face. Was it contempt, revulsion, anger? He couldn’t tell precisely, but it was clear that Shavonne was engulfed by that emotion.8d1463ae82d2cbc1

“Mn.”2665479d1aa15ebe

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Lewellyn nodded.e87a16135321bbf7

“…”747115819b536a73

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Shavonne bit c223583a1d and released 1aa2c5e21e his lips. He forced d06cd22b2f the words 013c7adf78 out.0decf9916462460f

“Even though I have no family?”3d5b7dc1a6c2c779

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Lewellyn blinked. Shavonne had said 3be2ddfc16 he had a 1b3bfc36d3 family of thirty-five f7c6f55bd8 people.fbd79cc784a14489

But that thought was fleeting. Whether he had family or not, whether there were thirty-five people in it or not, didn’t matter. Lewellyn unhesitatingly nodded again.87344de4f193a188

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“Mn.”0664ddc985163f8b

“And no friends?”8e7fee2d71436fb4

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Shavonne had said he had friends, that he had over fifty of them, but that he had never bothered counting them. But that too didn’t matter. Again, Lewellyn nodded without hesitation.4bdc6abb0a571589

“Mn.”a10e9b47d732daa3

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Shavonne’s face contorted. In Lewellyn’s eyes, it looked like a pained expression.0ad67fa39ceca17d

“It’s not just that I have no friends or family. I have no money either. I ended up working here because I had to, to avoid freezing to death on the streets. It wasn’t out of a sense of mission or adventurousness. I just… had no money.”5d9939a4da74b061

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Lewellyn didn’t say anything. He just kept looking at Shavonne. Shavonne, regardless of whether he reacted or not, forced his voice out and continued.a7f173125b6ed50b

“I’m uneducated. I don’t have any special talents. I’m not handsome enough to make a living with my face, not smart enough to avoid being exploited, and not skilled enough to be just a regular person. I’m just…”a685771e7a0899f6

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Shavonne lowered his 359c42faf0 head. His voice b97a76e5de seeped out 4f3ae6fd66 in a fa94aa28eb pained tone.0cfaeb5483003db1

“…nothing.”3ac1e0da7e7eab62

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Neither was Llewellyn. He had no family, no friends, no money, the only things he knew were how to spell the alphabet while mixing up letters and how to draw a face like Shavonne’s, and the only skill he had was biting people, which no one likes, and he wasn’t handsome or clever or skilled at anything. Lewellyn had nothing either, except for having Shavonne by his side.946a7ed2da7e6a92

Lewellyn spoke again, 337fc7e9ab without elaborating further.3a477775353ab4cd

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“I want to become Shavonne.”d0e4f4a736fccc16

Was it from there 9a07d62908 that things started to 79af86d432 go wrong?ef0f2ea658f672fb

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Just where?f45fc23d46d633c0

***a386adc548e9bd0d

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One night, around 2 AM, Lewellyn stirred awake. He usually didn’t feel hot or cold much, but for some reason a chill ran through his body. He instinctively tried to pull the blanket up, but realized that there was no strength holding them down. Lewellyn quickly opened his eyes and checked the spot next to him.293eccf4a50acd34

Gone.e90c84f7b2b20e3a

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Shavonne’s spot was empty.0ee40441b3b9f9ff

A chilling sensation brushed 3daa73382c past the back of 4c59a3ff69 Lewellyn’s neck. He reached into b49ccea60d his coat pocket 0d89cb85b3 and pulled out 41f692fa3f his wristwatch. The large 305baadddd hand pointed 86ef465af7 to 2. Two in the 2ca8f4ccdd morning. Shavonne usually went fd66a7cb16 out for fresh 5aa2705062 air when the e7c8f745a9 hand was between b35f3a9fb1 11 and 12, e19debace3 so this wasn’t 5a2a5a00c0 a time when f5e1e8f62b Shavonne should be 76ae6375ab gone.2898d1069c81d9f1

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The watch trembled. More precisely, the hand f679172b1d clutching the watch shook 1550636c69 violently. The color drained c404cc8f4f from Lewellyn’s face.Shavonne… Shavonne’s gone. He disappeared. What should 9de3eb3ca2 I do? What if it 2c1997eaa5 repeats for forty-eight 2dac6b7e7a nights? What should I do…?Cold sweat 00ac954ec6 poured down 79ab02c0cd his ghostly 25973291a0 pale face.f0d21026085faa42

Then it happened. A soft 2437f19aa1 breeze, accompanied 0881b7b993 by a b256c5f6d5 hissing sound, 7fd974b104 blew gently 4b624e0e45 against Lewellyn’s 8976e0faec face. Perhaps because 8a3b896057 he was 53e9336ef0 already drenched 1bf6160256 in cold c1e5e130c3 sweat, the 740d9631b2 breeze felt bfc6f0206a so cold 0313d226a4 that it f5dc9db21d sent a 5b90f11e23 chill down 13e95bef8e his spine.0dccac6c1bef915d

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The wind 1522de55de was coming e8901b3a3b from the 1d8537c643 doorway. Apparently, Shavonne 9563a6ebe9 had forgotten 64c8c2c537 to properly 900bdee18f close the 0776dc160d door on ab833da91b his way 136e6edcf1 out. Through the half-open crack, 15b56d2607 just a handspan wide, 0ba05e8cfa nothing was visible. Only pure darkness.a62978d5cdccfcb1

A black universe.f45eebb2ec6a16da

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Beyond the iron door, 094b29aa16 an unknown black universe 4a13967413 stretched out before Lewellyn.16dea76a8f544656

An instinctive fear rose and fell in his throat. It was an unknown place. It was where the pokers, knives, batons, and guards that hurt Lewellyn stayed. He wasn’t curious and had never been curious about it. He didn’t want to go. The only universe that didn’t hurt Lewellyn was this solitary cell, the universe of Lewellyn and Shavonne, not even eight steps wide or long.3d39d14edd6981fd

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But…07e29a7399934f61

Again, the wind 36c4378b54 leaked through the f7a30b68b9 crack in the 4b97866e17 door. The cold air a7abbbe466 touched his forehead. The bangs f2ba7210b0 stuck to 081860af1c his forehead 79fa5f18d7 with cold 02b9ab8b41 sweat swayed 1ebd9f6d1a almost imperceptibly 5420bc5cb9 and then 7d808236b3 stopped.711c19f38c27481c

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He remembered Shavonne teaching him what wind was. Shavonne’s face, blowing out a long breath with a whooshsound, flickered 60ec6fa6cd before his ca6f572a10 eyes. The voice saying,‘That’s it. That’s what wind is,’echoed in e412a0e0c3 his ears.495906a8d557fbe5

Wind.a5ce3fe976c35374

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Shavonne’s breath.bee05821b9f0aab4

Shavonne’s breath was coming in through the crack in the door.e7ded65ac2d78910

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He staggered to his feet. One step, two steps towards the iron door, he took trembling steps. It wasn’t that he wasn’t scared. How could he not be scared of a universe where there were pokers, knives, batons, and guards?777777ac4117fdb7

But he had to go. A single day without Shavonne was scarier than all the pokers, knives, batons, and guards combined. He didn’t care if Pharrell got angry. He didn’t care if the vice warden broke his limbs and muzzled him. He had to find Shavonne.880e2937e7e3303c

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He stopped in front of the iron door. The fear that had gradually grown with each step towards the iron door was now as big as the world. Lewellyn grasped the door handle. Before opening it wide, Lewellyn closed his eyes tightly and prayed. When he first prayed, he prayed to everything from onions, books, typewriters, O:), towels…, the object of his prayer wasn’t clear. But not now. Now Lewellyn knew what he should pray to. He knew who his god was.ad1130796af80fa3

“Shavonne.”0e14cb7feb7e47a3

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That name alone 4152c0654e was enough.a11559dabbd624a8

He flung it open. The black universe 9c8843a744 poured in.b765a09a930a23b1

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***64adcc9810d28167

The black a626c41e19 universe was 7ed77b830a vast.16a98590ae27f271

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He thought it would be a room no more than thirty steps wide and long, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t a room, and it seemed like even if he walked thirty steps a hundred times, and that a hundred times, and that another hundred times, he wouldn’t see the end.1bc4dd7ccf8383a1

The world was dark ff9b0f8988 as if scorched by 9c082a03ae fire. The sound e69183f58d of rain 7238a42eea could be 4b9bdeb33b heard. The sound of 6876fd37a5 rain, similar to f68a3f3aef the sound of 11d6a6bf5e transparent blood falling, 3b40199c5c drop by drop, b3c46f6b8e permeated the surroundings. Through the glass 4498d17ec8 windows, thin, sparse 2824c37f40 streaks of rain 779997b267 were scattered hazily.a493ec0581b0bf11

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He had heard this was a detention center. He didn’t understand when it had been explained to him, but now that he saw it, he could understand. The detention center was a massive stone building. Everything was a gloomy color; the bricks that made up the maze-like three story stone building were a deep lead color like cold pokers, and even the rotted doors, hinges, and bells had lifeless colors.c9b7a8b061a99184

He wasn’t sure if he could find Shavonne, but he decided to look anyway. He opened every door he saw. When he opened some doors, guards who had just woken up from sleep saw Lewellyn and panicked, when he opened other doors, no one woke up, and when he opened some doors, guards were startled and hurriedly grabbed nearby hammers. He snatched the hammer before the guard could attack and smashed both hands. The guard screamed. Lewellyn choked him, asking where Shavonne was. The guard passed out.6717ffb2d0de79c0

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From somewhere, a voice shouted, “It’s the dog! The dog is out!” Another voice followed, “Don’t kill it!” Lewellyn paid no attention and continued to search for Shavonne. Before he knew it, his view was filled with guards. One guard who tried to strike him with a baton was subdued and fell. Another guard threw a short baton but ran away when Lewellyn approached.c7f9812f88961dae

The short baton that hit his leg fell to the floor. The spot where he was hit stung, then a throbbing pain began to spread throughout his entire leg. Lewellyn staggered but didn’t fall. He couldn’t fall when he hadn’t even found Shavonne yet.c1d62fbb0d3ac35a

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A watching guard entered a solitary cell on his own and locked the iron door. Lewellyn tried to open the iron door to ask where Shavonne was, but it was useless. He didn’t have the key. Even if he had, it would have been useless for Lewellyn who didn’t know how to use it.a7be61423e6e0422

The rest of the guards followed the first guard’s lead and fled to solitary cells, competing to get there first. When he came to his senses, there were no guards left in front of him. Except for one.b18d5aa5e7c45290

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It was Shavonne.82ac22a08d1c6ca3

Shavonne was there.62ec57cb34c9432e

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“…Shavonne.”2b469f3b041fe5e3

He called. But Shavonne didn’t answer. Is it too 77a17feac2 far for him 52452488da to hear me?Lewellyn approached. He wanted to 102e054a12 run, but because a6ec9e2648 of his numb e1833c017a leg that had de34e97d80 been hit by 805494697b the short baton, 59caa13447 he could only cb253f81d9 walk with a 5180d1fe64 limp.927acd7a414cfc8f

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“Shavonne.”d99f588121feeba2

They stood 9f8a8fc33c face to 91d0832444 face.97ad63cbda5dfbc6

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“I found you.”2f7f774ea5fccf20

Shavonne didn’t answer. He just looked at Lewellyn with dark eyes. Lewellyn, not noticing, continued speaking.82db90a3c5521a8a

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“Let’s go back to our home.”0d5222ca7716dba4

Our home. The home where both Lewellyn and Shavonne live. Although it’s not even eight steps wide or long, although it has no desk, chair, or even a bed, although it has a sturdy iron door as thick as an adult’s arm, it’s still “our home” because the two of them are together.157de71497e8c1a8

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A cold reply ce1dcf490a fell.d3cd40b13b6215cd

“Why should I?”f8cfd9ceba9d3e21

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He saidpolitely¹. As if denying 968ff943fd all the time 0515babc55 they had spent 53f6e1af87 speaking informally until e30f92980d now, he was c9bd411395 being polite. Lewellyn flinched f76beffcc2 but simply f453ef68b5 thought that 1686bdc61a Shavonne must 426fa026e0 be having 9a918e74a8 a cold 3c16036bf2 day. Since Shavonne usually a1895e474f alternated between cold b936fc0bae days and warm 4ac858ee8b days, he thought 5b70c832a2 it could happen.da01b1eeaa461934

“I like Shavonne.”7a1fa79dc4969f27

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Shavonne likes me 3199149c83 too.c39ceab2c4f58432

“I love Shavonne.”283b1b3cb0bbf528

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Shavonne loves me too.fff18960d0a47865

Lewellyn thought that eaf6af4948 was enough reason 03fe8edab8 to go back d13ff8723e home. It was only in 3b7d12d170 the next moment that 16f234ff72 he realized he had 5179d9f18d been mistaken. In a 14b3524c3c way that 7fe52f18ee was far f48234b488 too painful.0552a2e93ce153cb

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“Are you out of your mind?”3606daba715907bb

Shavonne’s voice jumps up. His eyes are glittering with contempt. Thinking he might have seen wrong, he looked at him again, but it was clear. It was contempt.745473ccbf1a504d

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Lewellyn held his breath.95685c29c684c244

“You like me? You love me? Why, why don’t you go out of here and live with me? In a red brick house, with a fireplace, and we’ll even get a dog. What should we name the dog? Happy? Or Clover?”c2898e638a103cad

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But Shavonne loves Lewellyn. He loves him… How could he do this? Lewellyn couldn’t do that. Unless he had never loved at all, he couldn’t…c1d180dd24f74d6e

The thought stops.3c4fd17e0892cbd3

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Somewhere, the black 31ebcd5aed universe is churning. It envelops Lewellyn as 69e75c84cd if wanting to drive e460d4fbde out an unwelcome guest.0e5dcd72b9f4053d

“Shavonne.”ae19372f1c2fefb0

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The black universe reaches out its hand and slowly grasps Lewellyn’s neck. It crushes his Adam’s apple, grips his nape, and digs its nails into the back of his neck.6e0a4ea4abf93e33

“Have you ever loved me?”9e7407f073b23fb7

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The hand of the black universe is hot. It’s hot but not painful. However, just because it’s not painful doesn’t mean it isn’t harmful. Just because it’s not painful doesn’t mean it doesn’t kill. Just because it’s not painful doesn’t mean it loves him.e21ce0fb17b326ea

Why hadn’t he realized that?aecf8f86f6587cb6

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“Never.”d7169389ce659f91

He added.ed163d7febead05b

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“Not even once.”77ec0494544c94d3

The sound of 8df4679317 rain was loud. The black universe swallowed 441c0599d9 Lewellyn.b8ae8b4b7b23a0e5

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Nothing was wrong.e61127425f24aaf4

The only thing that af63dd58d3 was wrong was Lewellyn 456a277fe4 alone.0783e9132886c7d5

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