MLCD Chapter 3.2

Shavonne’s eyes didn’t miss the paper Lewellyn held hidden in the inner pocket of his coat.018759d21c1f0604

“I don’t know, looking at the rain?”66309e4c7b01c4e0

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Lewellyn smiled. As usual, he had 5da744e1a0 a nonchalant smile, as 45466b1036 if nothing had happened.8d2723324990b355

But Shavonne knew it wasn’t ‘nothing’.f58d679b730f7649

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“What about you, Mr. Shavonne?”0db8501b449cf181

Shavonne closed his mouth and bit his lower lip. Otherwise, he wouldn’t keep his raw emotions from spilling out of his mouth.0c6ed797dc460e6c

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It was a lie e10476b0c4 to say that he b9fbca45fb came out to look 80bbc784ef at the rain.Liar. The word made Shavonne 131cd8631f feel heartbroken.cad9dff6e035ef38

Lewellyn was Shavonne’s lover. His friend. The only one on his side in the world. At least Shavonne was so convinced of that until he encountered the scene of “the one on his side” lying to him. Even if it was a small lie, even if it was a so-called white lie, it was a lie.377666f7ecd1b829

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He had 0a6854d682 a sore 2bfc839de1 throat. When Shavonne b2456065c4 opened his 1645a29f1a mouth, a 65ae841f88 voice squirming d392058eb9 like sand 898c2cc695 came out 383837092b of him.032466d33985ba01

“Are you telling the truth?”aeabf3b9c3267c01

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“Mn? What?”9f5a1fda2bef2a5b

He asked back with edd3263b9d a very natural face. Shavonne suppressed his 2bddfd0fe3 feelings and replied.49a3cd4f48dc32d0

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“That you came here to see the rain.”656c139bc2b62d11

He gave him a chance to correct his lie. Shavonne wanted Lewellyn to tell him that he didn’t come out to see the rain but to read the letter without Shavonne’s knowing. If he did so, Shavonne could let it pass, being freed from the anxiety that ‘the one on his side’ had lied. That way, he would stop doubting Lewellyn.0195ae5f2a87a126

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But…8623aa34fa7a0a44

“Of course I mean it.”4924ed06da0a9ec0

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Lewellyn was still smiling. It was such a sly smile that he would have been deceived if he hadn’t seen Lewellyn reading the letter. Had he ever deceived Shavonne with that smile before? If there is, how many times? Shavonne stiffened when he started thinking about it. He tried to unfreeze, but he couldn’t.c9edd44c4ab373d9

‘Don’t lie’. What will Lewellyn say, then? There was a high possibility that his expression wouldn’t even change. Why didn’t Shavonne confess that he saw Lewellyn searching through the trash can and grabbing the letter, or take out the letter from the inside pocket of Lewellyn’s coat and show it as evidence? Shavonne himself didn’t have a clue. Would Lewellyn apologize? It would be nice if he did. If he did so, Shavonne could let it pass, being freed from the anxiety that ‘the one on his side’ had lied. That way, he would stop doubting Lewellyn.87c762acf4edfab3

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But what if he didn’t apologize?8144c363f56e7d9c

Their relationship would be ruined. It was unlikely that a person who was caught lying wouldn’t apologize, but Shavonne couldn’t bear to question Lewellyn for fear that the low probability of it becoming true would destroy their relationship.b00ea5127a0178b8

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Maybe it’s just a tiny lie—nothing. Like if someone who likes onions says, ‘I don’t like onions’, or someone who doesn’t like lemon juice says, ‘I like lemon juice’, a meaningless lie that one wouldn’t remember doing if asked a year later.c25e4e2dcd5fe9d2

Yeah, there 9e523aa11a must be 13343fde84 a reason bdfec4310a why Lewellyn 864507c50c lied. To Shavonne, it 09133613e7 was an unknown 49e54877d5 reason, but whatever. First, he decided to d24cbb4685 try and understand him e0fbb6b402 as much as he 4e838c475a could.fe49eea591c0af25

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Suddenly, his mouth was 1f06536ac8 dry. Shavonne gulped 7e1bfcfd74 down some edec6a1a69 saliva. He felt nauseous.22e82377c0c0555a

“Why are you outside looking at the rain in the cold? So pitifully.” He said. “If you’re going to do it, do it inside.”318d8537c5f10df1

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For a moment, Lewellyn just stood there staring at Shavonne, but then a lively smile spread over Lewellyn’s face.e0e8ec949a3b67f5

“As expected, you’re the only one who cares about me.”9a918af8bdefcccb

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Shavonne didn’t have the confidence to smile face to face. He turned his head silently and avoided Lewellyn’s gaze.1933c77e765ff484

“Did you even shower after we had sex?”c6fc4d36ae384910

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Shavonne asked after they bf98cef728 came home.b001743547299084

“I was going to wash you up when Mr. Shavonne got up.”529cd9dddbf9f25b

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“Huh?”085db940f3255021

“Mr. Shavonne, you were sleeping like a baby, how could I turn on the water and make noise? I just couldn’t do it.”8cb66f483d5f0f23

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He was a smooth talker, as always. “Great, I’m awake now, so go wash up,” Shavonne said, throwing a rolled towel. Lewellyn skillfully grabbed it without dropping it.664d8a535eb588e8

“What about you, Mr. Shavonne?”846aaa7cc6694d43

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Lewellyn rolled his eyes and asked. Shavonne closed the drawer of the towel cabinet and looked back at Lewellyn. “Wash first. I’ll go into the bathroom as soon as you get out.” And after clearing his throat, he looked at the laundry basket in front of the bathroom. “Leave your clothes there. I’ll wash them.”c2ca47af28bebb96

Lewellyn took off his coat and put it in the laundry basket, but he kept his shirt and pants. He didn’t unbutton the shirt or unbuckle the pants. Shavonne was dumbfounded. He couldn’t help but laugh.ad0e4b560f9ef600

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“You’re not taking off your shirt and pants?”638f6b8154477580

“Nope. I won’t take them off.”89fc13c2dbc7a387

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“Why?”e713bf85e51961a4

“I’m too shy because you’re here, Mr. Shavonne.”125be53f6592e2bd

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“… Whatever, just go and wash up.”8b399187bdbb792b

Shortly after Lewellyn 43c36e889e entered the bathroom, d684cc0c94 the sound of a36465b3c3 water falling was 8f2bae0608 heard. Shavonne hurried to the 607ef1b5e2 laundry basket. He took out the a62da5e3ac coat Lewellyn had left e03f966576 there and took the 2a7cd113bf letter out of the 4f13b0856c inner pocket. As expected, it a2596b179a was the one 4ae118dc8b from Krainer Publishing.89fc5d34a81b33e3

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Shavonne exchanged letters. Now it didn’t have the one of Turner from Krainer Publishing, but of Oscar from Peer Publishing.061e4a4f65e876c4

He didn’t forget to crumple the letter in a seemingly plausible way. He had no choice but to do this. It can’t be, but if by any chance Lewellyn wanted the letter to harm Turner, the editor…ea6901e37b78e597

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For the first time in his life, someone had said that Shavonne and his novels were the best. He couldn’t let such a person be harmed. Even if there was only a one in ten probability of that happening, Shavonne wanted to prevent all risks in advance.d7c85cadfb94fa3d

The real letter was hidden in Shavonne’s towel. Perhaps because it was rolled up, the towel didn’t show that the letter was hidden.2b1df02879571e61

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As he had told 77ac628039 him, Shavonne went into 04c8c06866 the bathroom as soon 96e5e6d070 as Lewellyn came out. With the towel on e2ba0f5b79 the side that hid 110e425f31 the real letter.0855c3344a8812cb

Before bathing, b7ad844f88 Shavonne wetted dfd34ad960 the letter. The ink spread 202caebc16 and the letters 116d1e19e7 that Turner wrote  afb225ac0b became unrecognizable one 6c09473024 by one. Lastly, he c420a2437b tore apart bd0de4cd5c the mushy 88a0edcc19 letter and fe9c0ea570 threw it 90675e5168 in the fe913d0774 trash can. The anxiety that ebc6dda15e Turner might be daa53857bb harmed had subsided 26e338e74f then.ef301daecadffdef

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But that was the only one. He still had the anxiety of the ‘one on his side’ lying to him. His trust had cracked. It may be restored, but nevertheless, traces of cracks would remain.a2eec5599f7f15ad

Shavonne closed his 61876fe68f eyes. A cold 8a1e4fd51f stream of a7b28cc2e6 water poured 29952bc7d2 down.253e8d778adf5f9a

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If loneliness is the fcf4e6a5a5 start of love, what 884c0e8b8d makes love end?d7396481dc76e2fc

Lewellyn took out the letter from the inner pocket of his coat and read it. The word ‘To whom I respect’ caught his eye. Maybe it was because the paper was so crumpled that he couldn’t read it well, but it felt different from when he read it earlier. However, after reading the contents of the letter for a while, Lewellyn pondered his name.22b7b422b51ca1a1

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Peer Publishing, Oscar, Peer Publishing, Oscar…0242b5798b25480b

***f1abb42200903a17

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The sunset was cece1c9082 setting.e5b67c59757ab75e

How long has it 05d7b5dc16 been since I left e03e37d527 work at this hour? Like six months or 188eaa2773 seven months. Oscar rubbed his stiff eyes. The back of his hand felt rough against his eye. Right. It would be more strange that his skin didn’t suffer after having a daily routine of going to work at 5 a.m. and leaving at 12 p.m. for six months.56db67accbca4a29

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He went into a familiar alley and stood in front of the house. A two-story detached house. It wasn’t big enough for it to really seem like a detached house, but it wasn’t too small for Oscar to live alone. Moreover, he spent more time at the publisher than at home, so Oscar, who only slept at home like a dead body at holidays, maybe once a month, had no reason to feel uncomfortable.63b04e9c26489c46

Someone did tell him. If he was at home less than 35 hours a week, why didn’t he move to a new one near Peer Publishing? Of course, Oscar turned the idea down.b89c569de79aa60c

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He had been working 428cad6140 as an editor of 50abaa95f9 a publishing company for 6a0f34c750 16 years, putting work 9f51186ad6 before family, friends, and f206437205 lovers. He lost 62073636ed contact with 9301c0154a his family 5593287354 and had f3354e7880 no friends. His partner b74acb04a3 who said b28f9facae they were 03c1c4a432 going to 4cb17e3ad2 marry Oscar f7814d2d01 also left 56d117a30b because they ef8be9756e were tired 96ed3edfa4 of him. All Oscar had e8407d0679 left was the b3584ec5e5 title of editor ac3acf3481 of the publisher, 584a2cedbd money, and this 62c5b99d50 two-story detached house d152507b28 on Unray Street.9aa873187966503a

On the outside, the house had a reddish-blooded color because of the glow of sunset. The piles of garbage and rusty scrap metal in front of the house, and leaflets that had melted down to the extent that he couldn’t recognize what was originally written were seen only as black shadows. Oscar entered his house. The door, which was opened with the sound of a crack, was then closed with the same sound.ac58fd212cee5fc5

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Inside, it was dark. The study, which 053291d63e had a thorough 631ca4b060 curtain so that 8a4301cc82 no light came 45214e3cff in, was no 2302faad55 exception.I haven’t had a drink since last night… Oscar frowned. It was so dark that he couldn’t see anything except the outline of the furniture. He was about to go to the window and open the curtains.d15a773f77e8ae38

“Don’t move.”e2921cbf7d2dbbab

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He heard a strange da1f6b1919 voice behind his back. He wanted to 35d2b8c43b think he heard e9e7d8ee21 it wrong, but 1be3af4b36 the voice was ad854b793d too clear for 9208764482 it to be 26a80e8513 his imagination. Oscar stopped in 2eb5467830 the exact same 425a3ca535 posture as he bd93871e35 tried to draw 7af06ffc34 the curtains.094fe9cb8664d643

“It’s for the best. For both of us.”d7028899f90a47b7

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Oscar wasn’t an immature child. He wasn’t reckless enough to blindly pick a fight with an intruder who might have a weapon. “Let go.” Oscar let go of the curtain he was holding as the intruder told him to. The curtain was closed again, but not as thorough as it had been before.7f50b6f107e71cb6

A ray of sunset leaked through the gap between the curtains. Like a crack across the floor, a long glow of the sunset expanded, and at the end…81e38449cfaf932d

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“No peeking.”82de2d71747916e0

There was laughter in his voice. Like an adult who says to a child who complains about side dishes, “Baby, don’t be picky.” But it was only how it sounded, because it was a clear order.5ff3b581eabc293b

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“If you looked at me, what’s the purpose of me hiding, right?”179308922818da95

It wasn’t a good idea to look at the intruder. It was Unray Street. Public security wasn’t as heinous as Ira Street, but there were also dozens of murder, rape and arson cases a day. Oscar didn’t want to be the victim of a crime. Of course, he didn’t want his name to be put on the “Looking for relatives” section of 《Daily Bunch》. Oscar bowed his head in a hurry.808765dd86af3509

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His heart was pounding. Who is he? A burglar? But he is too confident to be a burglar… As he was thinking, the intruder opened his mouth again. An unexpected instruction came out of the intruder’s mouth.0d89a2958d6bc9b1

“Talk.”006f64206514789c

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Ta… Talk? Oscar was perplexed. While unconsciously raising his head to see the intruder, he belatedly realized what he was doing and hurriedly bent back. Fortunately, the intruder didn’t seem to mind. He just repeated the instructions.21f9374eedefc4b4

“Talk. Taaalk. Taaaaaalk.”cf79e9c9c7a45bca

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He thought he was a burglar, but he doesn’t seem to be one. If he were, would have no reason to ask him to talk. It was then that the story of a mentally ill person harassing people for no reason passed through his head.8f0c213ac78c537b

Oscar became anxious. If he had trespassed and threatened him, he wouldn’t be a normal psycho. No way, was he going to torture him? He was not going to kill him, was he? The contents of the mystery novels published by Oscar so far had begun to come to mind one by one. His head quickly filled with anxiety.d8fb356a4cdf0fa5

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“Don’t you know how to talk?”fe65dd0d8276d3aa

In the blink of an eye, the intruder approached him. “Don’t you have a tongue?” He reached out and grabbed Oscar’s chin, and he didn’t miss the moment when Oscar groaned to forcibly open his mouth and put his finger inside. Oscar could feel the fingertips touching his teeth and tongue. These fingertips were so cold that they seemed to belong to a dead body.d1495fb488bd9f3a

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“It’s intact.” With a calm voice, the intruder took his finger out of Oscar’s mouth. Oscar reminded himself that he should follow what the intruder said. Without even thinking of wiping the saliva that flowed out, he hurriedly opened his mouth.189a1afa7a97d8bb

“What, what do you want? I’ll give you whatever you want.”c9c42bb1b4194a52

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But the intruder 1c9ff3f023 was silent. When he finally 49fddf2410 opened his mouth, 2b682b9545 his voice was a9c20a0611 rough.b204c233fc921a19

“Again.”089bb956ea8322c0

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“Eh?”35d1f9584d9b6088

“Say it again.”69f089f1b64ec17f

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He didn’t know the reason, but he did as he was told.4382fad3aa27d23f

“I’ll give you whatever you want…”5a28942097e85227

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“Say, ‘They’re unrivaled.'”05bbf1fd3209ab37

The intruder cut off his words. His voice was hushed for some reason. This time again, Oscar didn’t know the reason but did as he was told.94e28fb2c41e4302

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“They’re unrivaled.”d91e3ef12033a6e2

The intruder 6daf3a13b8 was motionless 4b7e31966b for a a4850af2de moment. He turned around and 37d657503a approached the desk. He took cea90db014 three or 52ead2dda0 four chapters d680b9a0e8 of the cf05077eb8 manuscript on a67f75239c the desk 3e6bde0738 and crumpled 1e97cc0918 them in 8497991f14 the inner cb45f89d93 pocket of f38a76753b his coat.a8312c261f8d1ef5

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Oscar, who was secretly watching the intruder’s back with his eyes open, was embarrassed. That was the manuscript Oscar had been working on for two weeks. It was a manuscript entrusted to an unnamed ghostwriter, but the sentence was so terrible that it couldn’t be handed over to the editorial department of the publishing company, so Oscar, who was in charge of it, was proofreading it. He had to submit it by the day after tomorrow. It was obvious that even one chapter, let alone three or four, wouldn’t be able to meet the deadline if it was stolen.51cf44dd85ff42c0

“Excuse me, that’s my writing…”4b3460c74efb604f

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Oscar’s mouth moved before unknowingly. When he realized that he had done something presumptuous and hurriedly closed his mouth, he had already protested.beec69a9dceecf6c

The intruder’s body stopped. The back buried in the dark didn’t even move. What should I do?Oscar felt he was 432f54110d breaking out in a 794e822672 cold sweat.Do I explain 791d6b0034 it as a 758366a4e1 slip of tongue? What if I 419f2c4309 try to explain a2f0d6f533 it and he 3dbd8f49d6 says it’s an c75a02c158 excuse?As he was 5589fd8312 thinking, the intruder 9ba586e1c9 opened his mouth.464f87f7544c9391

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“You said you’d give me anything you had.”faaec8a43659e8e8

He had his face 71eca3425b sideways, only half visible b7e61765d2 because of the darkness, df88153903 so the features were 7f97f1340b unrecognizable, but not the b37bb405dd eyes. He had cold cddf1b14c8 eyes. Yellow eyes that c7f9eacac3 glowed like a 37ba6adcbc raptor in the ad3720e914 darkness.6c93882a775db193

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“Did you lie?” The voice added. “I’m sorry to hear that.”5136ddaf52a147e5

The day was 4fed325993 coming to an c3444e8f53 end. Before he knew it, 798d156d49 all the surroundings were 377d7f9ffc dark. The sunset that had 9660e7f52d slipped through the gap e57759a132 of the curtains was 7ae6cdfbba also fading.29eb47dc63910c13

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“I’m sorry. You got off work early for the first time in a long time, so you should have relaxed, but I interrupted you.”a5bbe140e512d015

The intruder f45fdc6f3a stepped back. His shadow permeated 80b59544a9 into the darkness.599194978972e507

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“Ah, I’ll tell you that the attic window lock is broken. It opens just by pushing it with a finger. Why don’t you fix it as soon as possible? The world is so terrible these days…”2ef16f4c33570fc7

There was a crackling sound on the door before it opened. The intruder was about to leave. Oscar’s mind went blank. Should I let him 55e32e56b4 go? Or should 23abe8888c I stab 41b48a9d64 him in 0b139735ec the back?26936a1d00f72e3f

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While contemplating, the not a burglar and also not a monster who killed people for no reason intruder said, “If you’ll excuse me,” and left the study. Oscar, who was left there, stared blankly at the door. It all had been like a dream.6722d13f5bd1233d

***4d47568b62142426

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Shavonne wasn’t there when he got back. Was he out? Lewellyn needed a moment without Shavonne so he wouldn’t catch him and he got lucky.55c8ac16caf0a452

Lewellyn compared the letter of “the man” with the manuscript he brought from Oscar’s house. I knew it. The handwriting was different. He had already guessed that much since Oscar’s voice was completely different from the voice of “the man” that he overheard through the door, but when he confirmed his guess with his own eyes, he felt bitter.e0fdfe4a3a7e0c9f

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Oscar was not ‘the man’.b27fb8a3684a290b

The man was impersonating Oscar. So it was Impersonation, huh. Impersonation was solid proof that he was a fraud. Lewellyn was convinced that the ‘man’ was a fraud who dared to trick Shavonne for money.b3389518d270b0bc

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Lewellyn burned out the manuscript he had brought from Oscar’s house. What should I do? He thought as he watched the letter crumble into ashes. He had no intention of telling him that the man was an impersonator. Shavonne was already excited like a child at the thought of having a person who acknowledged himself and his novels. Lewellyn didn’t want to be the one who got him off the cloud.cf8952b5fe26fc1d

The answer was one. The ‘man’ himself had to withdraw from Shavonne. The method was easy. If he crushed two fingers, one index and one thumb, ‘the man’ would disappear without Lewellyn having to tell him to.783231ace860d90c

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Of course, Shavonne couldn’t know about any of that. For Shavonne, Lewellyn was supposed to be a lovely lover.8d6a32b4a50be3ca

He had to do all of this to avoid being abandoned. Compassion, narcissism, vanity, longing, curiosity… All of them had to be pulled out of Shavonne to not be abandoned by him.9bc9ecba84de1a41

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Lewellyn had to be 65529a2214 the poor Lewellyn. He had to be b045b73f04 Lewellyn, who felt like 4eb30ae2c3 looking at the mirror, 5357e8f931 and Lewellyn, who was 0357e04b46 handsome, friendly, generous and 181c5dbb77 a good lover. Lewellyn had to be c23805dfd1 the one who made cecf10fa7c Shavonne accomplish things he ff929223a2 never had done, and 66d7c6a449 the closer they got, 3c3361fc89 the more he should b820c45dcd want to know about 39fd2f7e63 him .aece87d8a03c1f6e

To do that, he should not be seen as a sneaky person secretly investigating what went around Shavonne, and he couldn’t come across as an unpleasant person who ruined Shavonne’s good mood.80dd31a9ec1098ec

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He was good at acting. He didn’t worry about pretending to know nothing or pretending to be lovely. Lewellyn knew well what to do and what not to do. He won’t be thrown away this time. He had already failed once, there was not going to be a second time.d236c6c9bc777a7b

He unwrapped the bandage around his hand. He felt bad about it because Shavonne had wrapped it himself, saying it would heal quickly that way, but he couldn’t help it. The wound was healing. Even though it was a pretty deep wound caused by stabbing, cutting, and rummaging while self-inflicting, the bandage seemed to have worked.bd8257ddd40c99c1

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Lewellyn tore the wound apart as he looked into it. He was bleeding. He let the blood drop and gather in a puddle on the floor. Every time the blood was about to stop, Lewellyn crushed the wound so it wouldn’t stop. He did it five times. He heard the door open as Shavonne came back. He looked tired from his outing, and his complexion was pale. Lewellyn didn’t notice.10d6b6ae70c2e91b

“Mr. Shavonne.”1367bd2847a4665b

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He got up from his seat. He didn’t forget to pretend to stumble. He went out to meet him and showed him his hand with a sad face. Perhaps because he had been reckless, his bloody hand still had blood flowing down.7bce1b635d6bf84b

“It’s bleeding again.” He added. “I think it’s infected.”614b811c5804b256

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He liked the way Shavonned opened his eyes wide when seeing the blood. He liked Shavonne’s twisted face while looking at his bloody hand and clicking his tongue while looking at the wound. He liked when he stopped the bleeding, when he bandaged him, and he liked when he scolded him, saying, “Be careful.”10d995a798717d61

However…27a598fc03e940a8

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“What are you doing without the bandage?”7814312ef032e9fd

Shavonne replied. His voice f47a27c58c was raspy 21f7f32d1c and heavy.54177cc114c34aef

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“I taught you how to do it.”6ac612102e04cd6e

Am I mistaken?ed8097da37cdae24

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Shavonne was 6261413f5c a little, fdea887072 just a 56fc71d094 little, colder.2ad7cfb4d8f6e273

12800e711f046c48

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***f468e97b5530410a

The day Lewellyn left the house for the first time after a long time, Shavonne didn’t miss the chance and met Turner. He relied on the business card Turner gave him, but there was one suspicious thing – it wasn’t the address of Krainer Publishing, but the address of an apartment building which he presumed to be Turner’s home.3fa0abd89da4bf5d

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A multifamily residential. It felt more 802baf9237 like a prison 9d98659814 though. The houses were dcf3c2b765 all closed, as d4f77a36ed if rejecting any 416938992d kind of attention. There were 292c4c09f9 iron bars 9936c82991 over the a7202e7760 closed windows 9cb4228e0c so wide fb9038670b that no 576ce53ecc one could 463fc8da97 even put 9a86d6a66b their head, 4c0fa12cdf let alone 17635fb237 their body.435a506fbaf1ef82

The front door in front of the guard post was closed. As I learned later, there was a system which consisted in the guard having to permit the entrance so the main gate could open. Not only to go in, but also to go out. It wasn’t possible to break in over the wall, as it was 3 meters high. You couldn’t climb using the stones or by running jump either.7bb6d9cd6b695449

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A team of two a8588d6d95 patrolled around the site, cbe1c78eec both in and out. He could see that 5560ef2157 they were armed. Shavonne thought,When I meet Lewellyn later I should tell him, ‘I saw armed guards on the street.’a69943620e6417df

Even though he was reluctant, he couldn’t leave just like that. With an unsteady step, he headed to the guard post. Fortunately or not, when he gave the name Turner, Shavonne was sent into the building more smoothly than expected. Although it was more than he had ‘thought’, he was checked for about 20 minutes, and when he was brought into the apartment, his whole body was already exhausted, perhaps because Shavonne felt nervous.4ca4d5f0fe57c05b

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Shavonne thought,When I meet Lewellyn later, I should tell him, ‘I think I’m not feeling well. Just being nervous makes me exhausted.’51ef1d60f3e29eb3

Turner led Shavonne to room 211. The inside of room 211 was so extravagant. Even if the apartment building had a spooky impression, like if it were a prison, it wasn’t like that inside.5fcfae216e1a1bd3

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“It must have been a bit scary for you, right?”b20d37aff05ff5d2

Turner asked instead of greeting him. He was talking about his first impression of the apartment building. Shavonne suppressed his desire to respond ‘I wouldn’t say just a bit’ and replied. “Not really, well …”e521ad8bab174f82

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His words became 91a0ef7a40 slurred.What am I even saying? It’s obvious that lying by saying I was fine won’t work. It’s obvious that saying a compliment about how the guards are disciplined will sound sarcastic. But saying my true impression, that this looks like a prison, will come off as rude. Turner opened his mouth as I couldn’t stop thinking. He had a really nice smile that would make anyone look handsome.926cc93e849d0e4b

“This place has good security.”8a701d82f8839e1c

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And he wasn’t wrong. “Yes, it looks good,” nodded Shavonne in agreement.b8e5531fe28d2740

“It costs 700 rona per month. I know, it’s a lot of money. I wouldn’t even have been able to live here if the publisher hadn’t sponsored me, but it’s worth every rona, as it’s impossible to find another house with more security than this no matter where you look.”2a698d34c5fded47

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That sounded plausible. It was the first residential facility he saw that had a guard post like here, where they checked you every time you entered, a high wall and iron bars on each window. “Yes, I don’t think there’s a place in Bunch that’s as secure as this one.” Shavonne nodded in agreement.a3faa18874f930aa

By the way, 700 rona per month? It was an amount that Shavonne, who felt guilty just by spending 10 a month, couldn’t even imagine. 700 rona, 700 rona…Shavonne thought.When I meet Lewellyn later, I should tell him, ‘There’s an apartment that costs 700 rona a month. I’ve heard of it.’b4e4d79c935924f7

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“This is where Mr. Shavonne will work with me.”dc29a860fc9ce8e4

700, 700, 700 a month… “Yes, this is where I’m going to work…” Shavonne nodded in agreement and stopped talking. He looked at Turner with wide eyes. “Where I’m going to work?”6a6aac460c1dbf54

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“Yes,” Turner replied, his voice lacking any hint of hesitation.9f5bac12869756b6

“I work at home,” protested Shavonne. Turner explained. “Mr. Shavonne’s apartment doesn’t have good security. I don’t want Mr. Shavonne’s manuscript to be leaked and I don’t want Mr. Shavonne to write in such a poor environment.”4c0ba805c40da8bf

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“But isn’t this your house, Mr. Turner? I’d get it if it were the publishing company building, but sharing a private space like your home…” Shavonne protested. Turner explained.9234cd1f85624a56

“I don’t want to share my house. As originally planned, I was going to give you a studio attached to the publisher, but I didn’t find any place. It may be uncomfortable, but I hope you can work here until a room opens, so I want you to work here. The room where I and Mr. Shavonne work will be different, so we won’t bother each other.”99bf21ccaa2d35f2

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“No, that’s…”d5db4396ecefee9e

He had no idea how to convince him. No, this probably was the best way for Turner, who had to put the manuscript’s security first, and Shavonne wasn’t sure whether opposing was the right thing to do. Shavonne let out a sigh. He stopped feeling uncomfortable, thinking that it was just work and that the only place to commute to and from work would be the apartment building.5b82ba8cb8e29a59

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“Oh, wait. I forgot.” Turner opened his mouth as if something had popped up in his mind. “You have to sign a contract.”8e2d7f9fc0c815bb

A contract?c23527eb7ffdcb9b

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Shavonne had worked as a ghostwriter for eight years. Eight years. For those eight years, Shavonne hadn’t signed a contract not even once. No, more like he couldn’t sign one. Every time he requested a contract, the publisher repeatedly rejected it.34fe14fc815b70cb

Some editors said, clicking their tongue, “Oh, a contract? Mr. Shavonne, it seems like you’re not familiar with the publishing industry. A ghostwriter can’t sign a contract,” and some editors said bewildered, “You want a contract? Do you think my publisher is going to rip you off or something? My publisher?” There was an editor who tried to ignore the petition, saying, “Let’s pretend that you never requested that. How can I work with a person who treats my publishing company as a fraud?”47c236b72e0e01ef

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Every time, Shavonne 1988111b79 held back and 1ecf147a8e worked without a 648556fa40 contract. He was well 113b5b5f28 aware that the 6796094fcd pay was low, 621644f543 the treatment was 7b1e4e9bef poor, and it 5959b8e2f0 was common for fcd7025515 them to withhold fb6ee8cfd5 the wages by f300653f36 taking advantage of da4bc83485 the lack of 6fc5f8ef09 a contract, but ba3c3c7296 he had no e74f895a6c choice.8b442da4027b58a6

He had no money. Without a 7b33187def contract, he 14f3e941b1 might get aa528aad45 kicked out 813d4e24f4 of his 846bec521a apartment for 69e4af1e85 not being 5c20a55fbb able to d0589d84e1 afford rent, 25ebec2431 or he 9585975ba9 might starve 201384b3e4 to death de85bb85d4 for not 771346208b having money 533d0f45b0 to buy 2e03f017d0 groceries. So he c198f2eba0 had no b4c4e00577 choice but e562080fe0 to open ed7b88725f his eyes 8c4496da89 wide when 4f30406b6e Turner, editor 41c2eda877 of Krainer 5f451c241c Publishing, asked 4151d24997 him to 59491f20d3 sign a f1b6fd948b contract.2ec016ee88a01dfc

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“You have to sign it. There must be a contract if you’re going to work.”be53e855261d3e41

Really? He felt nervous. He thought he knew the publishing industry, having worked in it for 8 years. It seems he was mistaken. What Shavonne knew was not the publishing industry, but the ‘bottom’ of the publishing industry. Perhaps that thought was clearly reflected on Shavonne’s face, because when Turner saw Shavonne’s face, he added in a nonchalant tone.b31a6fa0d5d3c336

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“You have to do it unless it isn’t a legit publisher.”26a519c426074b9b

I have to do it…Shavonne thought, curious. Would Turner know? The fact that ccc5458881 this was a 4b52d010bc natural procedure for d3963ae9d3 some but not dbf28eaffb for Shavonne.c341d00be490fa64

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Then, he received a 23afe74dfc pen and signed the a35552dbc6 contract. While he was c63ccc4c0d signing the contract, af8898ccae Turner suddenly spoke 5d0cd73deb up.9242d23d19178687

“There will be a contest at the royal palace this winter.”3b9dac316267a805

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A contest? Shavonne raised his head and looked at Turner because he didn’t know what was the intention behind those words. Turner followed up with an explanation.a25f599e02f31ef7

“It’s an annual event. Last year, it was a hunting contest. The year before, it was a shooting contest. A decade ago, it was a contest to determine the finest orator in Bunch. This year is different. As it was planned, it should have been a contest to determine the best rider in Bunch… but because the princess, who monopolizes the love of the royal family, is a bookworm, it changed.”ac74bcd5c925f169

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So what? Shavonne still didn’t know what Turner was talking about.577e61a4db3e7103

“The princess is looking for a writer who can be called the pride of Brunch.”8890ecaff61c8959

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Turner’s eyes were fixed on a single point in the air. His eyes were impenetrable.7133404d78a3924e

“There are no restrictions on who can apply. However, I’m sure the royal family would prefer the one to be called ‘the pride of Bunch’ to be someone unexpected. The less works published, the younger, and the less privileged the background someone has, the more advantageous it will be for them in the judging.”cfb0cbd60550aaeb

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No way.Shavonne stopped the 5706be0956 pen. He looked at Turner 296c2534b7 with fearful eyes.No way, no 309cf45f4d way…108a215c6ec98fac

“We need a meteor¹.”10dfc85f1c4ebbff

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I knew it, I 009fa7b91f had an ominous premonition.166b3d6f2d2727b1

“And you will be our meteor.”91653dc3db9ce6d9

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Shavonne wanted c9b82036ed to protest. But Turner spoke first 18835ba6f9 to prevent him from 618aefbfd6 doing so. He started explaining.6f1c3bc42c7b87e2

“Don’t feel pressured. You can fail. I just want your writing to be discovered. I can’t let good writing pass me by. It’s like finding a gem while walking and not picking it up while pretending you didn’t see it. The royal competition is just a secondary ambition.”6ff2f48cc596acd4

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Even if it was just a secondary ambition, it still felt burdensome. The greater the expectations, the greater the disappointment. Shavonne didn’t want to disappoint the person who had first said that Shavonne’s abilities were the best.1f554cb538cfae73

“Whether it’s your main ambition or a secondary one, let it go. It will not be me.”dabccadf10079713

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“Mr. Shavonne, if that’s what you say, then I have no intention of arguing. But there’s one thing you should know.” There was a heavy resonance in Turner’s voice. “My eyes have never been wrong.”3486e74607c54829

He just needed to finish signing the contract. But Shavonne couldn’t sign it. He couldn’t even put down the pen. His gaze fixed on the contract was trembling. It was a gaze entangled with the anxiety of not being able to pull it off, the expectation that he might be able to, the fear of disappointing Turner, and the thrill that Turner might be proud of him.626ad65bf9eda082

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After who knows how 2bbb93f03a long, Shavonne signed the 6a017cbb01 contract. It was easy. So trivial 7e9c8126dc compared to 186e9e08af the time 1d0c4690c3 he had 2591132ae7 hesitated. As he put c02835fc87 down the pen, f99cb87e38 his hand was 17553d3bb1 sticky. He had sweated a ff7d2be7c9 lot because of his c8ea4c3205 nervousness.33b31102c2127fd8

Shavonne thought,When I meet Lewellyn later, I should tell him, ‘Editor Turner believes in me and my writing. And not only that, but he thinks I have the potential to win the royal competition. I’m scared, anxious, and pressured… but strangely happy.’5035b87f7b9c61cb

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But I can’t. Even when he was just exchanging letters, he was worried that Lewellyn might harm Turner, but now it was more than just worry, it was fear. Fear that Turner might disappear, that he might withdraw his trust, that he might no longer say that Shavonne’s writing abilities were the best.0d72fb641fd831a1

Someday he would be 07957ee3f8 able to tell him. The chances were slim, a8d27963e0 but if by any 9730ceee1a chance Shavonne was chosen 16b17a220b as the pride of 5002a5ec8d Brunch in the royal 3cb7c4a9cf competition…That will be the “someday” when I can tell him, Shavonne thought.97acbd5829ab1e47

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It would be a good ending for everyone. Shavonne would be happy, Turner who trusted him would be happy, and Lewellyn who watched his lover succeed would be happy too. It would be proven that Turner was Shavonne’s benefactor, so Lewellyn would have no reason to suspect, resent, or be upset with Turner.5000ecd73a3bd10d

His heart raced. A life 831c22f757 with money, 55e4e59ee1 honor, his f0b5b0e69c loyal lover eb2b4a6889 Lewellyn, and fd1d04b5f2 his editor 99e4a52206 Turner who 07c74cd656 said that e22471ea77 Shavonne was ee5c15dcae exceptional. Shavonne believed 7da45fef3b without a 6700dac88c doubt that 6231ab1173 it would 48c9fc3af5 be the 5b54143d24 happiest life 17a4eca75e imaginable.2b718030d464cc69

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It was already 6 o’clock in the afternoon. He took his eyes off the clock and stood up from his seat. “I’ll head out first.” He wanted to go home before dinner. Shavonne loved having dinner with Lewellyn. (Of course, he also loved having breakfast, lunch, and staying up all night with him, but still.) He liked to sprawl on the bed and look out the window, touch the curtains fluttering in the evening breeze, listen to the silence, and smell the faint aroma of fragrant bread wafting in from somewhere. He didn’t want to skip a single day.3eab24673e705273

But it seemed Turner didn’t want that.a1bcb342d959c1fa

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“Leaving already?”f078936e51e69327

Turner seemed a little d84ba8a428 disappointed.79a8fd943ce24e2e

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“Yes, it’s already time…”2addc1ddede1e895

Shavonne had wanted to say, ‘We’ve already met each other, discussed everything, and signed the contract, so is there anything else to do?’ but he held back, worried that he would come across as if he only cared about business. Fortunately, Turner didn’t press him further. Instead,656c1d0e3684f764

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“Let’s have a glass of champagne in celebration.”1c572b8b19515bbe

Shavonne knew that a “glass of champagne” didn’t really mean just one glass. One, two glasses… if they started drinking, it would be night before he could return home.5ca6630bb1d95245

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‘I know Lewellyn will be waiting all night.’6b28acd842f325f1

The image of Lewellyn loitering like a ghost at the entrance of the apartment building on a rainy day, soaked without even an umbrella, waiting for Shavonne, flashed in his mind. Shavonne sighed inwardly. It would have been better if Lewellyn didn’t care whether Shavonne stayed out or not.4e2d180b7059ba77

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“I should be going.”b6636bcc7de75395

“Why?” Turner tilted his head. “Do you have someone waiting for you? A lover?”20b717f9ccc7a2d9

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Yes, a lover, Shavonne was about to agree, but he paused to think it over. Turner’s eyes suddenly lit up. It was an aggressive look. “A lover, you say? I’m curious.”cdf6b6bb75fc2496

A warning bell went off in his head. If Turner indulged his curiosity and met Lewellyn… A shiver ran through his whole body. If Lewellyn harmed Turner, or if somehow Lewellyn’s true nature as a murderer was revealed and Turner reported him, Lewellyn would get hurt. Shavonne had to avoid this situation at all costs.5741195a3d00c778

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Shavonne quickly a381d50a35 made an 930a6fa483 excuse, blurting aa67f7c5f6 out a ec76d67994 lie he 72db0de79a had once 0d4751e5fc told Doctor 442582c972 Fawkes.298958ac9bb21efd

“It’s a dog. Not a person…”2f54b80b2971bbc0

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“A dog?”84ad86e22be30486

Fortunately, Turner didn’t seem suspicious. Shavonne nodded. “Yes. A very big dog.” But the relief was short-lived. The next moment, Turner asked a question Shavonne hadn’t anticipated.0c4aa466dffab497

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“What breed is it?”0519198f1a7faccf

“I used to have a dog too,” Turner said with a friendly smile. Meanwhile, Shavonne went pale. What breed? Not only had he never raised a dog, he didn’t even have any knowledge about them.fdbbbe0ab21680cb

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“I… don’t know.”de6f983b1507ebec

“Is that so?”7c093a8299b34f1b

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Turner didn’t seem to care much. But he kept asking questions, as if he thought he had found a good topic of conversation with Shavonne.a44b9af3c788ace6

“Where is he from?”17b00c03d2c24615

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From? Where’s Lewellyn from c2a6bce568 again? Shavonne racked his brain but couldn’t recall where Lewellyn was from.5e2e832f672d8214

“I don’t know that either.”eab3538fc25ed44c

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“What about his bloodline?”6b52b4e2db245ed7

Bloodline? Lewellyn’s bloodline? Shavonne searched his memory but couldn’t remember anything about his family.12f216dfe5021226

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“I… don’t know that either.”f5bdee85d68dd787

“Has he been educated?”2483fb589b23d17b

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Education? Lewellyn’s education? Shavonne rummaged through his memories but couldn’t recall Lewellyn’s educational background. Shavonne’s face paled. It wasn’t because his lie was about to be exposed, but because he realized he didn’t actually know anything about Lewellyn as a person.d87ba9d745519be2

“…”b7814c54b99b41db

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“You don’t know that either.”7d7f4b58304ac0e1

Turner’s expression became peculiar, as if silently asking, ‘Are you really his owner?’4788f23b7e846c49

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That had been enough. Shavonne said he 199e6ba2d1 had to go 8c6185ac99 and hurriedly left 35986592ab the house. The sunset was fading. The shadows were c0a54d3d4e long.b1823ae938fc8180

Why don’t I 91414d5d27 know any of a96be03629 that?2985e29f597f1e3c

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No, why hasn’t b44bca90b9 Lewellyn told me?b0752b9a638e206f

Was it because 630c6bc811 there was no e2ae1c921c need to say 51701fdd44 it?ec0cf84c2f56f222

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Or perhaps…680ac1e427e4f2fe

Lewellyn deliberately didn’t tell me?bc115745b2105059

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As Shavonne entered the edb8e6cebc apartment, his footsteps became d7542c1a2a heavy.‘It’s possible that he deliberately didn’t tell me.’A shadow fell a83dd7f5e8 over his face. An old cede9ddc82 conversation with 69a116f518 Lewellyn faintly 93d96eeded echoed in 37a6050bef his mind.9a28873f6438e8f8

— …Could it be that you peel onions for a living? It’s just that… it seems you don’t have any other work besides peeling onions, but you have a lot of money.6fb40fbf2e9f74e6

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— Which c02b0974a4 one is fc23fe7ec8 better?db3ddc8982b82240

— What?6d229bef1140bfe5

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— Depending on ae7808cd10 what Mr. Shavonne prefers, I 60b67cd664 could be an 9729ab9b64 aristocrat or a 0227792bc0 lucky heir who 85a5cea83e lives in luxury 0254a88c87 thanks to the 17621a5924 inheritance of a 14d670ec02 distant relative.555583e3381c1163

That meant Lewellyn wouldn’t reveal his ‘true’ identity.7e9cc875e9d925bc

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He wouldn’t reveal it.c4e2de36ee6f6152

Lewellyn’s attitude had remained the same as when they weren’t lovers.aa958ac116bdb936

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That left him with a bitter taste. It’s not that Shavonne didn’t understand Lewellyn. Everyone had secrets. Shavonne himself had secrets he hid even from Lewellyn, the one was on his ‘side’. But understanding and sadness were separate. His chest felt heavy, as if crushed.0bc9faecddd1a448

One shouldn’t demand something from a lover. Of course, that ‘something’ includes interrogating about a truth you don’t want to discover.d5ddebd7394b4f55

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But…e728dcb3f41d8e55

In front of Room 303. Shavonne hesitated before turning the doorknob. His heart was pounding. Suddenly, if Lewellyn disappeared. If Lewellyn wasn’t there when he opened this door… how would Shavonne find him then? He didn’t know Lewellyn’s hometown, education, or family. He didn’t even know anyone who knew Lewellyn. The only things Shavonne knew about Lewellyn were his appearance, eating habits, and that he goes by the common name Lewellyn, which may or may not be his real name.dbf7bf2e8b1e2582

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Without Lewellyn…85edbed0b208a0d9

If I’m left alone in a world without Lewellyn…e21c3b0c8741f7df

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‘…’ddfbf84c0d8eddc1

He stopped the thought. It was an anxiety that couldn’t be solved by just ignoring it. He had to stop it. Even if he couldn’t completely stop it, he couldn’t help but tryd447107f8ccf2f40

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He opened the door. The sound 19e80e035b of the 5bc7b7017d door opening 81584ae788 was dull.654d724ebf399e3b

“Mr. Shavonne.”bce1f2ca84c3ded6

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Lewellyn was inside. That was 8b3418c906 a stroke 5bb19c077b of luck. But Lewellyn staggering towards 9d5ecb0233 him and showing his fec763597c bloodstained hands wasn’t.7ff210f0a99bc441

“It’s bleeding again,” Lewellyn said, his voice lacking vigor. “Seems the wound opened up.”6cf0c59fc2d5c71a

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There was a puddle of blood on the floor the same size of a hand. Shavonne involuntarily felt his face stiffen. Lewellyn wasn’t dumb. He knew that blood loss could kill a person. And still…a1037972c4f6e1ec

“What have you been doing without even applying pressure to stop the bleeding?”c638e40630f044d2

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Shavonne replied, 088ac2458b his voice 39fa74ef79 raspy and 8e9ef20870 heavy.5b65294a9f332014

“I taught you how to do it, didn’t I?”cf95da55d8fc58f2

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If he was left alone in a world without Lewellyn. Shavonne knew the answer to that. He would live. He wouldn’t die like a character in a play, nor would he be transformed like a character in old tales that were passed down orally. He would just… live. Go back to where he was, and somehow survive like he had before meeting Lewellyn. Because life wasn’t a play or an old tale. Life wasn’t romantic.3644179a9bd0dd01

“…Where are you from?”5658bfb6f1273f57

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Shavonne asked. Lewellyn didn’t answer. He had expected that much.f296412778235a3b

“What about your family?”c50a953bfdf1dbee

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Again, there 54b5e31942 was no cc1e930fad answer. He had eb66e169a8 also expected 4247a11322 that much.2b90f885a9249aad

Even if Shavonne kept asking, nothing would change. Shavonne would ask, Lewellyn would not answer, Shavonne would ask, Lewellyn would not answer, Shavonne would ask, Lewellyn would not answer… it was as clear as day.bb4cb219414877c0

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But Shavonne continued 87ca6ebc5f to ask. He had a 83ee04c2f0 glimmer of hope. A faint hope that 1dfdddf5c8 perhaps Lewellyn would reveal a2519778d4 his identity.d18a2184aecc843d

“…Did you go to school?”bb362f9a42a53847

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Of course, 2336679a36 still no 258456461e response.8950b7edde722fab

I’m glad 25a8294d8d I didn’t b2e6df89ae get my 87f9218f8a hopes up, Shavonne thought.If I had, I would have been disappointed. And if I was disappointed, I would have been heartbroken…He swallowed ba5d1dba1e his thoughts cf3532acf4 and said e369ce39ff nothing.98273f1e937aa42b

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“Mr. Shavonne.”016f1b6c17132f66

A voice b7e8924396 said so 5e1f984a7e faint that 8038352ee6 one would a1bb19635e have to 75bf88d601 listen closely d48f82e870 to catch 14099c9982 it. It was Lewellyn.56df6b9447f43e6e

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“I’m bleeding.”0adf5b217249a361

Tak.The sound 562438924e of a 07cea94515 drop of 157cc6c658 blood falling 11572a568c from his 1fc6fc3926 hand echoed.1e09ff23898e36ac

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***e84b23fc39f29651

Night. It was a new 84a5e9fe21 moon, so there was 6b46cfdcd9 not even a faint 3a66e15297 moonlight, and the whole be7da177ca world was pitch black.2fe28336190a12e0

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Shavonne was awake. He was too tired from going out, and for some reason, the sex that Shavonne had initiated and actively participated in was even more tiring, but he strangely couldn’t sleep. Tossing and turning on the bed in just his underwear, staring at the sleeping Lewellyn who had fallen asleep as soon as the sex was over, closing his eyes, then opening them wide again as he couldn’t sleep and glared at the ceiling.25f69bf8bd04f417

How long 8eb574c17f have I 42a802128f been like 9805c789f3 this?Hundreds or 89bb4d802c thousands of caa26044fa dots that aa8bc5d5fb looked like d89d463413 tiny insects 08170cfa09 began to a19f20d76f appear on 7b1f60b540 the completely b87f714e2a black ceiling.35b9273adba9a95c

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I can’t do this anymore, Shavonne thought 5d27c918f9 as he got a65f1a49f4 up from the 6564827e84 bed. The blanket he 58d7c4d5f3 had shared with a73dc5f13a Lewellyn slid off. He decided he 646abf07d5 should read a f618eefbae dictionary. When not working d2523e5191 on a manuscript, 058fbb9ed8 be it ghostwritten fd0300e708 or self-written, he 6b4994cf28 mainly used the 780edda1b1 dictionary as a d2a764fd46 sleeping pill.74eeafd4c7bc137c

He wanted to turn 6daad1970f on the light, but 908e13f1fd he was worried it 0218732b73 would wake Lewellyn, who 0d734f83da was still sleeping. If there 92e38c060e was moonlight, 8daa021fac he could a38fe5bdc9 have relied af1091b56e on it 6ab11dae9e to read 4b6d1ea151 the dictionary, 10ca29fe37 but that be1bb91b05 wasn’t the f0dac069fb case today.Should I light c2b572a1a3 the gas lamp? Or the oil f4210ebf67 lamp?After deliberating, Shavonne 9bc301f6c1 decided to use 7950157478 a match.709b42c7ae122a55

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He walked to the desk. It was so dark that he couldn’t even tell where the door or the window was, but because he has been living for 8 years in Room 303, he was able to find his way by feel, though his hip couldn’t help but collide with the corner of the desk.312e6d61705e1b06

Feeling it in 18ba6bfda8 the dark, he 9d67d8bb2d opened the second e1f62dcb9e drawer of the ce6794bf7d desk and pulled cb905a22bb out a small 4f0b557daa box that fit c34bc59ec0 snugly in his 46bb9ed66d hand. It was a e93443b901 matchbox.62e0eb922f639010

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Flick. As he lit the fa35571435 match, a flame was db252ff5eb briefly lit on the d39de3946f matchstick before going out. The match flame was 38efa39af0 lit for only a 4bfbbf6557 moment. It was too short 3694a2310a to even make out 8f7da69ee0 what was what.663ce59b74c86f3b

Shavonne saw ‘something’.9fe191c4fc678e66

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Before he could confirm 0df14149f2 whether it was real 4592d3a37d or just his imagination, 0d1f92d653 the world turned pitch 5ae3dd3f23 black again. Only the unlit 45914af9a9 matchstick remained in b07e237143 his hand.96ca322a7761e79d

…That was probably just my imagination, Shavonne thought. Recalling the tiny afterimages that looked like insects on the ceiling, it wasn’t a completely baseless speculation.b713e545b3225b90

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But…4446c939fb21f8bd

Trying to d13920d6b5 calm his 693259e799 pounding heart, 405fd450c4 he pulled c0e95c7fe3 out a 2879c2e200 new matchstick.Chk, chk. Even after trying, the match refused to light. He decided that he would have to light the gas lamp if the match didn’t light this time as he tried to lit the match once again, and this time the flame suddenly flared up, almost as if it was a lie. It was a small flame, but it was enough to illuminate the room. Of course, it was also enough for Shavonne to confirm what the ‘something’ was.40b30dd44798b9e1

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It was a body. Lewellyn’s body.ba9651efae292b56

His body was covered in scars. Although it was too dark, even at a glance, Shavonne could see the scars of cuts, burns, and bruises intertwined. He couldn’t even count how many scars there were. He almost couldn’t see the bare skin as it was so thoroughly covered in scars. It was astonishing that Lewellyn hadn’t been crippled by his injuries.03ee217ebe45e341

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Suddenly, an image of Lewellyn’s fingernails flashed through his mind. In stark contrast to his beautiful face, his ten fingernails were hideously misshapen, enough to make anyone cringe.29d817347d35a238

What Shavonne didn’t know wasn’t just Lewellyn’s hometown, family, and education.064705ccc5ddbc4c

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The match went out. The darkness enveloped the room again, so deep that Shavonne couldn’t even make out what was what, let alone Lewellyn’s body. Fucking cheap matches. Cursing silently, Shavonne rummaged through the matchbox. Just as he was about to strike a new match…2838719581ce4f52

“…Mr. Shavonne.”a10ae42ad589dc7b

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Shavonne stopped 576956a134 his hand. The friction on the e62c028835 matchstick halted as well. His back stiffened.5e599e8e5cdf9b2d

“What… are you doing right now?”39d940ff5625dce5

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A voice 15cf6068f8 came from 6eabc98104 the darkness.0185efadc06c1bd5

His mind went blank. Not knowing how to respond, Shavonne simply remained silent. The urge to know the stories behind the scars rose up like a thorn in his throat. He tried to control the impulse, repeatedly reminding himself that he shouldn’t hurt the person he loves, even out of idle curiosity. But every time he tried to control the impulse, a voice echoed in his head, stirring up the urge.f1ae19a7c712a306

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‘Why do you have to control yourself?’9cd1ba226687e62e

‘You want to know what kind of person he is because you love him. It’s only natural.’efb7af096a8662bd

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‘Sharing secrets is a privilege reserved to only those who love each other. If you can’t do that, what’s the point of being family, friends, or lovers? It’s just a facade.’a3f957d4f0de6d49

‘Isn’t the position of lover supposed to be special? If it’s not special, why call it a relationship? Not telling anything is the same as with a complete stranger or a homeless person. No, worse than a homeless person. You might think you’ll never cross paths again, so you can spill everything to a homeless person, but not to a lover.’3223e31ba7ba7bf5

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The image of Turner looking at him as if asking ‘Are you really his owner?’ flashed in his mind. That face. That gaze. It would not be strange at all to replace it with ‘Are you really his lover?’5fc658f37cbe37b6

Shavonne managed to control his thoughts. Of course, Shavonne was hurt. But he knew that just because he was hurt, he shouldn’t jump to conclusions or allow his thoughts to flow to extremes.b71cec2588af19bf

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Between what his head knew and what his heart demanded, between reason and emotion, calculation and impulse, Shavonne was in a tug-of-war. Unless Shavonne was convinced or Lewellyn confessed his secret, this tug-of-war would likely never end. It couldn’t be helped. If only love were bc6c38118e always sweet, but reality 7d876795da is far from that.ccf7d1e67ad81db6

It was Lewellyn who woke up the lost in thought Shavonne. In the darkness, a silhouette indistinguishable from the darkness seemed to move, and before Shavonne knew it, it was right in front of him. Shavonne didn’t even have a chance to react. Lewellyn grabbed Shavonne’s hand. The grip, strong enough to be impossible to shake off, crushed the matchbox Shavonne was holding.a2f7015d4fd59595

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“I asked you a question.”032e936f45d047f4

It was a low f3253b3483 voice. Suppressing his rising 38c488f7c2 emotions, he pronounced 10ba8aa9f5 each syllable with e03d249579 effort. Shavonne had ac017add88 never thought 4c5b4b3ded Lewellyn could e3b94e6bec speak like 2f6aeefeda that, but a7ebb9e403 apparently he 615fcc857d was wrong.09f46b362d76d47f

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He was dazed. Shavonne knew nothing. Not only Lewellyn’s hometown, family, and education, but also the countless scars on the body that had mingled with Shavonne’s, the stories behind the scars, the reason for hiding them… what kind of person Lewellyn really is, too.2ad4c62edb7fc74a

Shavonne didn’t know ea229819ad Lewellyn.3576985aa5f323b1

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“I asked what you were doing.”7c51fcddda81d289

He said in a growl. Perhaps it was an illusion, but his voice seemed to be trembling slightly. The crushed matchbox fell to the floor. The dull sound of it colliding with the tip of his shoe and rolling on the floor echoed. Shavonne wanted to pick it up, but with Lewellyn firmly grasping him, he couldn’t even budge, let alone pick it up. He never knew human grip could be this powerful. It felt like all his common sense was being overturned.a7af5f522cdf6d9f

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Darkness. Amid it, a bright 01ad895d12 yellow eye flickered like bf4da9d93e a nocturnal raptor. As Shavonne met 9298c8b4ef that gaze, a 3eb0c248b6 cold chill belatedly b8e98fad3f seeped into his a534b4e8da numb mind. Shavonne snapped b270411d30 out of ec35fdca1f his daze.db9ae757b7243d39

“Let go.”7cff87f5bbbaae94

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But Lewellyn cb5efb89da didn’t let 75267c8a1c go. Not only e6c8fa1a64 did he afb2f6b393 not let 5e23f27cc4 go, but 5e880deefb his grip f4abd5deeb even strengthened, feca9e243b enough to 2c54fea384 make Shavonne 5ba475ab22 wince slightly 9596664108 from the 18e87ae0a5 pain.f1d2071adeb109d7

“What did you see?”88176e3ec8882d46

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Shavonne thought about Lewellyn’s questions shifting from what he had done to what he had seen. Lewellyn knew what Shavonne did. He probably also knew what Shavonne had seen. But why did he insist on getting confirmation, Shavonne couldn’t even guess.61aad078960c3c51

He focused his 7600216381 gaze on the aea9b55eb9 darkness. Somewhere out there, there cb90302109 was Lewellyn. A body covered 2a3bb7845d in horrific scars, 3788a61d1e gruesome enough to 00dde64e74 require courage to c6c7c64c3e look at directly. As he thought about 46961a5acc it, his lips parted ace928eb78 and the question came ec7b3902e0 out.4f7803337bc7b53d

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“…How did that happen?”813f2829f7ce02c8

Shavonne did not 1eb6fd09a2 miss the way d0d3f67d63 Lewellyn stiffened at 6a90557fed those words.a62fbe04fd91e367

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“You don’t want to talk about it?”12fe2021b9a3da61

Silence. Worried that he 93187d3ba1 had pressured him, 6c8b2f6106 Shavonne quickly said.2f7f926c193135db

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“If you don’t want to, you don’t have to…”ce628f59b95dccb9

“Did you see them?”b01155426c1887ee

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Huh?The sudden words left 5bec52ff46 him flustered, but only 3c0ff4fab0 briefly.5f365cffc509238f

It was obvious what he was asking about with that. His body. And the scars on his body. Shavonne hesitated, then nodded. That’s when Lewellyn started to let go of Shavonne, but then suddenly changed and firmly grasped both of Shavonne’s wrists.d4afd251cd57e774

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It felt like his bones were being crushed. It hurt so much that Shavonne thought he might shed a few tears. When he was first grasped, he thought the grip was strong, but compared to now, it was barely ticklish. Shavonne unconsciously twisted his wrists to break free, but Lewellyn didn’t let go. The more he struggled, the more tenacious Lewellyn became, like a demon vine in a swamp, trapping Shavonne.8967836b34b3380d

“You’re going to abandon me, aren’t you? You will, right? You’re going to abandon me?”a10f9bc062747662

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That had been a drastic change. Bewildered, Shavonne forgot about twisting his wrists and looked up at Lewellyn. It was too dark to see Lewellyn’s expression, but judging from the trembling voice, he could roughly guess.adc68f4c7ed86995

“Now you know what I am, right? Alright. Okay, alright. There’s no way you don’t know. You don’t want to be with me anymore, do you? I’m hideous, aren’t I? Repulsive? You don’t want to see my face or hear my voice, right? Mn? Right?”3bf0c4e93169c5fe

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‘He seems dangerous…’ He couldn’t lose his own reason in front of someone who had lost theirs. If only one of them lost their reason, it might be fine, but if the two of them lost their reason together, who knows what disaster might occur. Shavonne quickly regained his composure. He mustered every scrap of calm and spoke softly.5ecee96273cf1be1

“Listen to me.”92d70d432674e8f9

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Of course, it didn’t get through at all.6106838431b640e5

“You won’t touch me anymore, right? Yes, you won’t. Even if they’re hidden under my clothes, you’ll remember them. Even if the lights are off and nothing is visible, you’ll remember!”1808519393be82ac

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“…Mr. Lewellyn.”2f935af51554208b

Of course, this time too, his words didn’t go through at all. Not because he deliberately ignored it, but because with his eyes rolled back – he couldn’t hear anything right now. But listening to the nonsensical rambling one after another, feeling ignored and not understanding what he meant, Shavonne couldn’t help but get angry.73afa384acc9a8d8

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“This isn’t what I wanted to be. It’s not. I didn’t want to… Shavonne knows that too, right? I wanted to be Lewellyn too. I wanted to be Shavonne’s Lewellyn, but…”c8beb65066ce234a

“Lewellyn.”6d247e9303e3af71

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“It’s not my fault, right? No, it’s my fault? Is it my fault? Mr. Shavonne, Mr. Shavonne, aren’t you a good person? You’re a good person, right? Mn? Don’t throw me away. I won’t let you go…”bacb01775c4620ff

“Oi.”110e91e805f8321c

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The rambling stopped.86f6f9cc4e71de38

Silence fell. Lewellyn stared blankly at Shavonne. The unfocused eyes were slowly regaining focus. The crushing grip on Shavonne’s wrists finally loosened. ‘Oi.’ It was a rude address, but it was effective.520bd1af3b83c053

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He hesitated whether to apologize for talking informally, but decided not to. Lewellyn had also used casual speech before (what was it again? ‘Shavonne, do you still have my candle?’), so that made them even.e6cb6127d0e8440d

Glancing down, he looked at his wrists. The grip had been so strong that the blood flow was cut off, making his hands deathly pale. Even in the dark, it was visible to that degree, so in a brighter place, he would be as pale as a ghost. He hoped his hands wouldn’t swell up and interfere with his writing, but he wasn’t very confident it wouldn’t.30c8a2613d330cbf

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Shavonne let out a deep sigh. Tearing his eyes away from his wrists, he looked at Lewellyn. Lewellyn’s complexion was also deathly pale. Not as pale as Shavonne’s hands, but not much better.dc4bdac6f7a6b069

“Mr. Lewellyn,” Shavonne said. “It’s just a scar.”32304f4cb3722f89

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“…”70e393e340ee1dc6

“I won’t lie to you. They’re unpleasant to see. To the point where you’d need to mentally prepare yourself before seeing them.”0c5096169b8586b1

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He had been eight years old, perhaps. He had worked as an errand boy at a private hospital, as instructed by the orphanage director. Even though it was a private clinic, Shavonne’s duties were simple tasks like boiling dishcloths, washing towels, or sweeping and cleaning rooms.c1d2ce1cb5613cd5

The difficult part was going to the rooms. There were patients there. Some had severe burns all over their bodies, some were missing legs, and some had their faces covered in blisters to the point where it was hard to tell where the eyes, nose, and mouth were… Later, he learned that they were disabled war veterans. The private hospital was caring for these war veterans with no family.cfc67955ed6e7709

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It was 4eb79e3977 terrifying, like 2b17903ff6 seeing monsters. For the 85ea333872 eight year 820a61e87a old Shavonne, e280f50967 going to 10a06b8502 the patient bdb316e8c0 wards was cea91d3cf5 a form 4e3c7b00cc of self-inflicted 4f9e192b4c torment, akin b1a737168a to entering 664c625870 the lair e09f7201a4 of monsters. As soon 29bf2f59a3 as he 97c971eff9 was done f04441f756 delivering the 06537f8bb8 ledgers, snacks, 8c318e1d42 or water, b37455bd72 Shavonne would acfb6e7268 scurry out 918a18efb7 of the 2b59bcad4c ward in a81b17a036 a hurry.1975db4b1c6565cb

There were times when he was ordered to clean the wards, but then he would just do a half-assed job and finish it in about ten minutes. The doctors, nurses, or other workers would sometimes slap him for cleaning so carelessly, but he couldn’t help it. He was afraid the monsters would devour him.66c63b8de6e75911

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However, that was when b63b7eac34 Shavonne was eight. Shavonne wasn’t a af40df857b little boy anymore. He knew 05d4cc8ac7 the interior 9037783082 didn’t necessarily 33e539b72f have to 1dfdda4950 match the d7ae33ea07 exterior. Being unpleasant to the 1371e3965d sight didn’t make one f85c994fbb a monster, and being 14ddf15ca8 beautiful didn’t make one d4f829fa54 a fairy. Similarly, being bb3957ea7e unpleasant to 71e4d523cb see didn’t 8a8df16687 make one bf02b0b143 a fairy, 2b3bd79eff and being 58396578fb beautiful didn’t aba31a55fa make one 5a80c222dd a monster.187275987b939ea7

“But what does that have to do with anything?”963090566a40447b

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“…”9185c8af13f92204

“I lov… I mean, I like you, but it’s not because you don’t have scars.”649a56c62f9b3b5c

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He loved Lewellyn. At first, it was because Lewellyn was ‘on his side’, but now… it was not as simple as that. He liked that Lewellyn was on his side, that he was tall, that his voice was soft, that his smile was bright, that his eye-smile was charming, that he was as good in bed, that he was charmingly arrogant while pretending to be polite, that he liked onions, that he wrote ‘New Yeer’ instead of ‘New Year’, that he liked sleeping in late with Shavonne… there were many reasons. If he had to pick just one reason for loving him, he couldn’t.8cfd6d55ff6bedc0

Lewellyn said nothing. It was as if he didn’t trust Shavonne.9ff93a33b410a10b

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There was no use saying “Please trust me” or “Trust me or don’t” to someone with that kind of look. Shavonne let out a silent sigh. There was nothing he could do. Lewellyn must have his own reasons for not trusting Shavonne, just as Shavonne couldn’t trust Lewellyn because he didn’t know him. A fleeting thought crossed his mind – can there be f00dee2bcb love without trust? – before disappearing.d9900dae4e600935

That’s when it happened. Lewellyn, who had been silently gazing at Shavonne, spoke in a voice tinged with wariness.5c83209087758e1a

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“…Do you still like me?”078ea1a9eb5fc2de

It was a good question. Shavonne quickly nodded his head. Worried that the gesture couldn’t be seen in the dark, he belatedly added, “Yes, I still like you.”29b83c2cf8c27fb2

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After a eaf9acd4d9 silence, Lewellyn a8c11ff033 spoke again, f6d83f6844 still wary.c7b4197a30f49fea

“…Really?”611c23addde45223

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“Yes, really.”358c663d20c4a578

“…Why?”cc7545e8f9294c91

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Shavonne couldn’t list all the reasons – that he liked Lewellyn being on his side, that he was tall, that his voice was soft, that his smile was bright, that his eye-smile was charming, that he was as good in bed, that he was charmingly arrogant while pretending to be polite, that he liked onions, that he wrote ‘New Yeer’ instead of ‘New Year’, that he liked sleeping in late with Shavonne… He decided to sum it up.622a0bccf8045670

“Because you’re likable.”11300398069edd79

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He gave a faint smile. He didn’t know if Lewellyn could see it in the dark, but he wanted to smile for him anyway.33aa8c179bd6d058

Lewellyn didn’t respond. As Shavonne silently watched him, he suddenly asked a question. “And you?” It was the same question. “Why do you like me?”7c5eb443c4d49dbf

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It seemed like an easy question, but apparently it wasn’t. Lewellyn’s voice was heard from the darkness long after.c524b09642407501

“…Because I can’t help but like you.”079beebcba2e797b

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Shavonne thought. If the reasons he had listed – that Lewellyn was on his side, that he was tall, that his voice was soft, that his smile was bright, that his eye-smile was charming, that he was as good in bed, that he was charmingly arrogant while pretending to be polite, that he liked onions, that he wrote ‘New Yeer’ instead of ‘New Year’, that he liked sleeping in late with Shavonne – were the reasons Shavonne had brushed off as “Because you’re likable,” then what could the reasons be that Lewellyn had brushed off as “Because I can’t help but like you”?d7653565c8e97e3e

At that moment, Lewellyn’s voice was heard. “I can’t help it.” Lewellyn said. “Shavonne. I can’t help it.” The shadow seemed to be approaching, and then he whispered, almost inaudibly, “I have to kiss you.” And in an instant, he pressed his lips against Shavonne’s. The hand grabbing the back of Shavonne’s neck, the colliding noses, the overlapping lips – all were cold. It was an unusual cold kiss.6dda7f3136844ff6

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How long 1826fb6ade have we 2970b95ef5 been like 6672b2cdcc this?Lewellyn pulled away. Maybe his 53746a4feb night vision a98177dec8 was good, 2df5cfa44b because even 19e170891e in the e18e1b3d1e dark, he aaba9373f2 could see 2ec0acf38b everything as 1242753a23 he put f84b5c3d9c on his 9f5900ee15 clothes.df41eeb94322bc4e

Before Shavonne could ask where he was going, he said, “Good night.”e2214e1ef001312d

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Lewellyn’s voice, bidding 9c9ee64d6a farewell in this 9c666736eb way, was subdued.ccb671c7e66824f4

“Sorry about the hand.”8dd7e58687b85191

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And with that, he left Room 303. Shavonne didn’t even have a chance to stop him.9ef7528670d94ef5

Lewellyn was walking down the street. One step, another. With each step, his vision wavered. It wasn’t his feet that were wavering, but his mind. It didn’t matter what it was, though.93a096d7fadf1276

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When the scars were revealed, he thought everything was over. The audacity to growl, the audacity to cling to Shavonne, the audacity to be flustered – he had thought it was all over because of that.e0da09f04ff37f14

But fortunately, he b8d710dc84 was blessed with 01c2b921d4 good fortune. It was the first 11a6483c42 time Lewellyn had ever 741419b926 experienced such good fortune.b956ba3d455e7ee8

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Even after seeing the scar, Shavonne didn’t remember his lost memories. Perhaps it was because he had only seen it for a fleeting moment, in the dim light of a small match. Or perhaps Lewellyn’s scars were so insignificant that they could not serve as a catalyst to trigger the memory.9f646961c65cdf46

Yeah, it must be c40df285e6 the latter. He had thought Shavonne would want to reject him, but that wasn’t the case. To think that Shavonne would want to reject him… Looking back, it was a foolish thought. To Shavonne, Lewellyn wasn’t anything more than nothing.b45031dc25d055cf

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The night was long. The darkness was dizzying. In his ears, Shavonne’s voice kept reappearing.a9bd49feadde52e9

—It’s just a scar.25e30ee8d95634ae

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Lies.af83a0ae101d8391

—But what does that 0ce3cfdbc0 have to do with baa55babb7 anything?ddf8f977fddf9c2c

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Lies.751adf64b59d8347

—Yes, I e3a6885f29 do like d066c567fb you.02ce7788770390c7

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Lies.1f693fb4c319c3af

—Yes, really.a235b4fbcf5d0443

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Lies.5add63e4e7ad5655

—Because you’re likable.73a9ff522d41d5ad

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An unforgivable outright lie.375cf5741bffb624

Back then, too. Shavonne had said that 28409fedb2 scars disappear over time. He had suggested 6d0c5a7c44 making a bet, 9338055291 saying that he da5cf64d1b would stay with e00a5d537b him until the 7ac5f1bc87 scars were completely 0378cb0f34 gone, no matter 84cc5beb4f if it took 124569f181 a hundred days 9c139e8e69 or a thousand fbc94682d8 days. But it was all 3dd1b1bcdd lies.f91e246b3e6f1c18

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‘But what does that have to do with anything?’ He had heard Shavonne say that too. Shavonne had said it didn’t matter. But in reality, it mattered a great deal. It mattered enough that Shavonne could abandon Lewellyn without even looking back.01c86f4ff509aa82

He likes me?86522a9158aa5bce

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He really 8b4de617b9 likes me?2f74886231fc6cbd

It was a sickeningly sweet lie. If he was with Shavonne, he wouldn’t mind being blind or deaf. When he was with Shavonne, he always wanted to close his eyes and shut his ears. He had thought that before, too. But Lewellyn had learned eight years ago that he mustn’t do that. If he closed his eyes and shut his ears, he wouldn’t be able to see Shavonne turning his back, or hear the sound of Shavonne’s footsteps as he left. He wouldn’t be able to hold onto Shavonne. No, I can’t let that happen. Yeah, I know… that I can’t let myself be abandoned without any resistance.2794fe07d6559a78

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“Because you’re likable.”78908953f9613532

Did Shavonne really think Lewellyn was “likable” even though he knows what kind of person he is? Really? A laugh involuntarily escaped him. When he was in great pain, he would sometimes laugh. From the moment Shavonne abandoned him until now, always.1531f7f0819807f1

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—  Are you 2e0422f4cf out of your 56fbb23c0c mind?eb3430ac214a0f7a

There’s that voice again. Even after eight years, and even after meeting him again, that voice never lets go of Lewellyn.ece7bbef46e1bb4d

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—  You like me? You love me? Why, why don’t you go out of here and live with me? In a red brick house, with a fireplace, and we’ll even get a dog. What should we name the dog? Happy? Or Clover?b04a4720d586befe

He had stared blankly at Shavonne and asked something much more foolish than simply asking, “Shavonne, don’t you love me?”0ff1b8a3958aa933

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—  Shavonne.d5ab93fbdbc2c69d

He called out. His voice was 0a3f3cf88c tinged with disbelief.2a55750d3c769d1d

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—  Have you ever e54621eff1 loved me?1e59337495c3ca97

Silence. And the 69ee82f8c5 sound of eeb68f69e5 rain filling dc7c53cf86 that silence.0b2fe2468683a4fa

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Shavonne looked at him 965b804f14 steadily and answered. His answer was cruelly ca777c93ec decisive.350dc1cb46017b30

— Never.ef3a1bd43233a67f

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He added,0d98c4323bbac535

—  Not even once.e2b71883cb6c2c8f

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Today there acd52c83a3 was a ebb30489b2 new moon, edb92f19bb so the 4ab5496511 moon couldn’t aa5c7ce82d be seen.2a3c50fc0978c893

ae740a25bfcc6ed7

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